DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: About two years ago, I started the process of getting divorced from my partner of a decade that I have a kid with. Around that time I started reading your column and I want to say how helpful and insightful it is.

I’m a woman in my 30s and I have been enjoying dating, a lot! (Although also sometimes, not a lot – that’s how it goes, right?) I’ve known for a long time that I am not 100% straight, and I have had a lot of fantasies about threesomes but I don’t think I really expected it to happen.

Very recently I met a couple, a man and a woman, who are looking for a third, let’s call them Q and T (because they are adorable). They have been looking for a few years, sounds like they wanted a real true third but now they’re not sure if that’s going to happen. I think it’s hard to know hypothetically and these things need time to develop, but it’s potentially on the table.

I have been quite honestly taken by complete surprise, but in a great way.

It feels so natural. It’s obviously very new, but I really like both of them. Physically and more than physically. Also, I like their relationship that they have. So far, we are all very open with our communication. I feel genuinely excited but I want to know what questions I should be asking myself and what I should be asking them. I know I should read The Ethical Slut, but I wondered if you in particular have any insight. I initially had a conception that my relationship would just be with them as a couple, but I think I would also want relationships with both of them individually. Obviously this is something I have to talk to them about, but I was wondering if there is anything in particular I should ask myself before broaching that, or the situation in general.

Thanks!

Unexpected Unicorn 

DEAR UNEXPECTED UNICORN: There’s a lot to consider here UU. The first is whether you’re ready for this sort of relationship. Polyamory, in some ways, is dating squared. You’re not just managing one relationship, you’re managing multiple ones… and that can be a tricky balancing act, especially if you try treat each relationship as equal to one another. That’s one level of complication.

Another is the style of polyamory and relationships you want to have. There’re almost as many forms of non-monogamous relationships as there are people. Some folks prefer a v-shaped poly relationship, where two people are dating the same person, but don’t have much of a connection aside from that shared partner. Some prefer what folks call “kitchen table” polyamory, where the polycule is like one big happy family. And then there’re poly relationships like the one you’re considering, where you’re joining a pre-existing couple and dating both of them individually and together.

That last one? That can be difficult to manage. There can be a sense of hierarchy, where the pre-existing couple feels that they’re primary in the relationship. There’s the potential for jealousy, especially if folks get caught up in the rush of that New Relationship Energy and end up neglecting their original partner. It can be hard to balance the thrill of the new with the comfort and familiarity of the old, which creates the potential for imbalances in time and emotional connections.

And that’s even assuming they want that sort of relationship. The fact that they’re looking for a sexy guest star doesn’t necessarily mean that they’re ready for a long-term addition to their relationship. Similarly, the fact that they may be interested in some sexy adventures together doesn’t necessarily mean that they’re interested in — or ready for — playing separately. Something that works as a group activity doesn’t always translate into something that works on the individual level. What often makes a threesome works is that it involves the couple as a couple; as two individuals, it could lead to jealousy and insecurity.

(Hell, that could happen during the threesome. There’s always a point where a threesome ends up temporarily becoming a two-some, and that can often stir up unexpected and uncomfortable feelings in the person who’s not currently involved.)

So right now what I would suggest is that you start by doing your research. The Ethical Slut is a good starting point. I also suggest Opening Up by Tristan Taormino and Building Open Relationships by Dr. Liz Powell (Dr. Powell is, incidentally, a friend of mine) for more about the dynamics of various non-monogamous relationships. Just as importantly though, I suggest that you talk with Q and T about what they want and expect out of this encounter — and this encounter specifically. I think it’s probably a better idea to focus on the immediate future, rather than potential relationships. If you can stick the landing on the threesome, then maybe you can talk about future plans.

And speaking of the threesome: you’re going to want to discuss that in detail. Figure out what you’re ok with as well as what they’re ok with. It may be worth putting some limits on your first encounter together — leaving penetration off the table entirely, for example, or leaving it exclusively for Q and T. Even the swinging-est of swingers can find themselves having complicated and incredibly inconvenient emotions when they see their long-term partner going to town on someone else; keeping some things for the pre-existing couple can help avoid ruffling any feathers unnecessarily.

Similarly, if — and that’s a mighty big if — they are interested in exploring the possibility of seeing you separately, then that’s something that you may need to ease into. Again, taking things slowly and keeping certain activities off the table (at first) might be the wiser course of action; this way, everybody gets a chance to see how they feel without being tossed head-first into the deep end of the pool.

And also discovering that the pool is full of sharks.

That’re also on fire.

This is the sort of thing that requires a delicate hand, because one of them feeling uncomfortable, feeling neglected or otherwise not being cool with the situation could end your relationship with both or either of them. So if you’re considering dating them both individually, you should make sure whether you’re actually interested in both of them to the same degree. Not because you have to have perfectly equal feelings for them both, but because the potential for jealousy or hurt feelings is magnified and can have an outsized effect on everyone.

Now with that all being said: it sounds like all of you are putting serious thought into this, which is great. And as a general rule, I’m all in favor of new sexy adventures. Some best practices with the initial threesome can help make sure that it’s a positive experience for everyone involved. And if that ends up working out… well, who knows. You very well may be finding yourself on the verge of a new and exciting time in your life.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: Whenever I see women I’m attracted to, I often get in my head. Like, I start to think about how I could talk to her, but often, there’s some reason I shouldn’t, like she’s talking to someone else. And that gets me in my head to the point that even if something happens to make talking to her more ideal, I’m too in my head to talk to her.

The dominant cultural narrative seems to be “Just because she doesn’t say no, doesn’t mean she doesn’t mean it, because women are socialized to not say no, and because they don’t know how you’ll react to their rejection. Also, your intentions don’t matter, if she feels uncomfortable, it’s all your fault, and you are in the wrong, so you can’t determine specific actions that are wrong, it just depends on how she feels about it. Also, because you as a man have never lived in a woman’s shoes for a lifetime, you will never truly understand what it’s like, so the approach must also take into account this thing you can’t understand. Despite all of this, men are STILL expected to initiate and escalate.” When people talk about men being creepy or women being bombarded with approaches, there seems to be zero distinction between irritating and harmful given. And all of that scares me so much.

So, what do I do? I know women want to date and have sex, but all of this just puts me so much into my head.

Creepers Anonymous

DEAR CREEPERS ANONYMOUS: You have an issue a lot of folks have, CA. And like those folks, it’s not the problem that you think you have. The problem that you think you have is that you think that you’re so afraid of being a creeper and that society is so polarized with regard to talking to women that you’ll almost inevitably trigger some sort of creep alert.

The problem you actually have is that you feel like your showing any interest in women will automatically be undesirable. It’s less that the dominant cultural narrative is that approaching women is bad, it’s how much you’ve heard this or read this in places and how much it conforms to what you already believe. You’ve convinced yourself that your attraction to somebody is an inconvenience at best and actively offensive at the worst. It’s confirmation bias at its most pure: you feel as though there is no scenario in which your interest would be appreciated, desired or welcomed, so you’re much more ready to believe that this is a societal issue.

Now if we were to focus on a strictly surface-level reading and practical advice, then there’s a lot you can do. The most obvious is to look for signs of attraction; a smile, especially paired with the classic look-look-away-look-back sort of eye-contact is about as direct an invitation to come talk as you could want. Similarly, you could focus on meeting people through a warm approach — meeting people you already have a social connection to via friends, or being introduced to them directly. You could choose to use online dating as your primary source of meeting women; women on dating apps, after all, have opted in to receiving messages from folks who are interested in them.

But ultimately, those are bandages on a sucking chest wound. The deeper issue — the belief that you could never be someone that women would actually want to date — would still be there. That’s what you need to address.

To solve that particular riddle, you’re going to have to get real with yourself. What, precisely, do you feel would make you a creep if you were to talk to women? What is it about yourself that you believe keeps women from being interested in you? Understand that and you’ll be halfway to the solution. Is it your looks? 90% of being physically attractive is about your presentation and attitude; dressing well, keeping your grooming top notch and understand why women say yes to sex and you’ll find far more success than you believe possible. Is it the fear that you’ll misread the situation? Using your words, being clear and looking for active consent solve most of these problems. Is it the lack of belief in your own value? Finding the things that give you satisfaction, that feed your soul and make you feel proud of what you’ve accomplished help turn that around. When you bring value to the world, even on an individual level, by making things just a little bit better, then you remind yourself of your own value.

Even simply making friends with women — REAL friends, not using friendship as the stalking horse to get into their pants — can help ease those anxieties. The more you become comfortable with women as people, the more you’ll recognize how much you’ve amplified the idea that all approaches are inherently unwelcome beyond all reason. Yes, there’re a lot of obnoxious assholes out there. There’re guys who take “piss off” as “try a little harder.” Not only is it incredibly easy to not be them, but the fact that you’re concerned with hit means that you’re far less likely to be one of them. Jerks and creepers don’t care about the comfort of the people they’re targeting. However, avoiding women entirely isn’t the answer. Working on yourself, building your self-esteem and belief in your own value and desirability is the start. Get that taken care of, and you’ll be in a position to work on your social calibration.

This all feels far more daunting than it actually is. Working on yourself, developing yourself as a person and learning how to love yourself can seem like a nigh-impossible challenge. And in fairness: it does take work and dedication. But challenging isn’t the same as impossible. And as I’m always saying: nobody said it was easy. What we said is that it would be worth it.

Focus on being your best self, CA, and those fears will fade.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’ll get right to it. I’m 44. A virgin. Never had a girlfriend, haven’t even made out with a girl in 15 years. Admittedly for years I was indifferent and didn’t even try to date, just thought it wasn’t in the cards and for years it was less stressful.

Well, women are like a drug. If you don’t bother with it it’s no big deal. Then you get a taste of it and you want more and go through withdrawal if you don’t get it. Somehow landed a couple dates with a cute girl a few months ago, thought it went great but ended up in the Friend Zone. I’ve only texted her once during the pandemic and no response. I know not to bother trying again, so I don’t show I’m needy. Inside I am, along with insecure and anxious. And obsessive because I don’t have abundance.

I have a fear of rejection after the fact. By that I mean if I asked someone out and they say no, I don’t care. I’m afraid if I actually do meet someone what will happen if they eventually find out I’ve never had a past relationship. I’m anxious if I get her in the bedroom I will come across like an awkward fool and turn her off. I’m worried I’ll be rejected when she finds out I don’t make much money, or live in a dinky basement apartment with no couch. It would be easier if I had a clear direction in my own life, but I have various jobs, and don’t know what I ultimately want to do. That is a problem when dating in my age group, because a woman wondering if I’m husband/father material and what I want out of life is a factor. If it comes up I have no answers.

I simply don’t have much of a social life. My friends are all married homebodies. My only option is going out alone, which makes me self-conscious. What chance would I have if I approached a group of women? They would think I’m pathetic I’m there alone and there would be no chance of establishing attraction. I simply have no one to go out with to lounges or clubs, and I am never invited to any parties to speak of. Advice on dating sites always comes down to saying I should just go out and talk to women everywhere. How is that not creepy? I have no chance of getting a phone number from a woman on the street in the middle of winter, or waiting on line at a grocery store. I just don’t see how that’s possible. I have started trying the apps, but that’s been a dead end so far.

Obviously this all applies to when the world opens up, but how do I retrain my brain from scratch to at least see if I can meet and get in a relationship? And again in terms of the bedroom, I really have no clue what to do. I would like to think natural instincts would take over but who knows. Funny thing is I’m a good talker with great sense of humor, but it has never translated into a relationship/sex. So I’m putting it all out there, what should I do when I have no idea where to start?

Starting From Scratch

DEAR STARTING FROM SCRATCH: Alright, SFS, there’s a lot in here that needs to be addressed, so let’s take it from the top.

To start with, you should be taking a look at the language you’re using. As any writer can tell you: words have power, and the words one uses and the way one chooses to describe things shapes how you see the world. That’s why there’s a world of difference between “police shot a reporter in the eye and blinded her” and “a reporter was struck by a rubber bullet and blinded”.

When you describe women as a drug and “going through withdrawal” when “you don’t get it”… well, it makes for a not-bad single by Roxy Music but it’s a shitty way to view people and it’s going to affect how you interact with people you might be into. The same goes with talking about “ending up in the Friend Zone.” You didn’t end up in the Friend Zone, she just wasn’t interested after a couple of dates and she ghosted you. It’d be nice if ghosting were less of a thing, but it’d also be nice if I had a winning Powerball ticket.

This ties to the bigger issue that you’re having and are going to continue having is that you’ve crafted a narrative out of your anxieties and assumed that it’s the truth without corresponding evidence. The anxieties and worries you have are very common, especially among inexperienced guys, but have very very little relationship to reality. While yes, in a world of billions of people, there are probably folks who would refuse to date someone who had no experience, the odds of encountering someone who actually gives more than half a damn are lower than your odds of getting eaten by a shark. The same goes for her discovering that you’re a virgin or that you live in a basement apartment. These are the things that you feel bad about, being projected out onto the world around you.

(And incidentally: women deal with this too. Plenty of women out there who’re late-bloomers or older virgins get guys who don’t want to date them for fear that being her first would cause her to imprint on them like a gosling.)

You’ve defined the world as having set parameters, parameters based around the areas in your life where you feel deficient, and you’re treating them as being universal without actual evidence. But because you’ve chosen to describe the world in this way, you’re going to react to it that way… and your reactions are going to color how other people react to you. If, for example, you work with the assumption that women aren’t going to like you because you’re inexperienced, you’re going to come into every interaction with them with that on your mind. Not only are you going to be behaving in an almost apologetic way — as if you had to apologize for your existence and lack of experience — but you’re going to have far more negative interpretations of their behavior. You’ll be much quicker to assume that they did X, Y or Z because of your inexperience, when the odds are greater that the problem is in the way you behaved or presented yourself.

Case in point: you’re starting off by assuming that women are looking at you and trying to gauge whether you’re husband/father material… except they aren’t. When women meet you for the first time, they’re not measuring you to see if you fit in the hole marked “husband”, they’re just trying to see if they like you and you like them. And trust me: women are just as nervous and anxious when going on dates as men are. They don’t go on a date assuming that the guy has to prove his worth, they’re going thinking things like”I hope I have a good time” and “I hope I like him” and “I hope he’s not disappointed when he sees me”. The question of whether you might be a good husband or father is gonna come way the hell down the line.

And frankly, if her first criteria is “is this person husband material y/n?” then they’re doing you a favor; they’re not right for you and you’re not right for them and it’s far better to figure that out early on than after you’ve invested in each other. Complaining about that is like complaining that bicycle tires don’t fit on your car’s rims.

Those same self-limiting beliefs are keeping you from doing… well, anything. What would women think if you were at a bar by yourself? Likely nothing at all. The odds that they’d notice or even care are miniscule. While going out with friends makes it easier because hey, you’re out with friends and having a good time, I’ve rolled solo with plenty of success. The people I’ve talked to have almost never asked about where my friends were or even gave a damn if I told them that I was there on my own. I just didn’t treat it like anything weird. “I just felt like going out and having a good time tonight,” was all I needed to say.

(Hell, last time I went out on my own, I ended up making friends with a couple and having an insane adventure in L.A’s underground bar scene.)

Similarly, the advice of going out and talking to people isn’t to roll up on women like you’re Leisure Suit Larry, it’s simply to be social. Are you capable of having a two minute conversation with someone while you’re both waiting in line at Starbucks? What about talking to somebody sitting next to you at the counter at a restaurant or bar? That’s what those interactions look like: simple conversations with people as though they were people and not the Celestials waiting to pass judgement on your worthiness as a man.

All of the things you’re worried about have easy solutions, my dude. You just have to stop treating them as universal, unsolvable problems. The problems you have are internal, and that’s how you solve them. Start by simply focusing on just what it is you want out of life. That doesn’t mean that you need a dream job — just goals and ambitions. Women don’t want a guy who pulls six figure salaries, they want someone who wants more from life than just work and/or lounging in front of the Playstation. You may not have the perfect job, but having things you’re working towards, hobbies and activities that fulfill you, intellectual curiosity and ambition are all desirable traits in a man. You don’t have a penthouse apartment? Dunno if you noticed but most people don’t, especially in this economy.

You don’t have friends to go out with? Well, first of all: you don’t NEED to go to bars or clubs to meet people. You’re just as capable of meeting people at meet-ups, amateur sports leagues, conventions, continuing education courses and so-on. But even so: you can also make new friends… frequently in the exact same places you can meet women that aren’t bars or clubs. Those may be friends who like going to bars or clubs… or they may be friends who just like to hang out, maybe go to the park and throw barbecues.

All things that YOU can do too, by the way.

And as I’ve said many times before: being a virgin doesn’t mean you’re doomed to be a lousy lover. Good sex isn’t in knowing the Swirly-Go-Round or the Rusty Venture or the Transylvanian Twist, it’s in knowing your own body and communicating with your partner.

Like the bodega cashier said to the Buddhist monk after being given a $50 bill: true change must come from within. Focus on the things in your life that you feel are somehow lacking — the lack of focus, the ambition, your lifestyle, and the like — and start fixing those. Start putting in the effort to live a great life, one with ambition, drive, friends and goals. While you’re doing that: simply talk to women. Don’t try to pick them up. Just get to know them as people and realize just how many of the things you’re afraid of are projection and fantasy. The more you feel confident in your life and the more you learn to feel comfortable around women, the more you’ll realize that your anxieties are a paper tiger. They seem fierce and terrible, but they’re utterly fake, a Potemkin village masquerading as the real thing.

You’ve got the power in your hands to transform your life. You just have to be willing to accept that it’s there and actually do it, instead of crafting reasons why you’ve failed before you even started.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com