DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: When I am dating a woman, I feel very frustrated in trying to decide whether to text her or if I should be absent for a day or two. Mainly because I heard that you shouldn’t contact her until she texts or sends a message to you.

Personally I think that this is not true… Or maybe not entirely true, but I’m asking this question to you, Doc.

When should we text or contact the woman we are dating without seeming needy and without being creepy?

Waiting So Long

DEAR WAITING SO LONG: Man, I could write a book about best practices when it comes to texting and DMs…

(No, really, I did. Check out “I Got Her Number… Now What?”, available from Amazon in print and for your Kindle)

You don’t say whether you mean in the context of someone you’ve been on a couple of dates with (or are trying to arrange a date with) or if you’ve just met. Either way though: you go with the flow.

Let’s say that you meant “you just got her number” and you’re not sure when to send a text or are waiting for her to make the first move. Some women will beat you to the punch, but you can’t rely on that. If you get her number and don’t text her, one of two things are likely to happen: either she’s going to forget that she gave you her number or she’s going to think that you’re not interested. Neither of these is good. 

I think waiting for her to text first is a dumb idea, as is waiting some arbitrary number of days. Personally, I’ll text someone the same night I got her number, just to keep the emotional momentum going and to solidify her memory of me as “that guy she had fun flirting with” rather than “oh right, some guy I talked to the other night, I think?”

On the other hand, if it’s someone you’ve been texting with, waiting some arbitrary time in order to not appear needy or to try to maintain the emotional upper-hand is both douchey and a stupid move. All it does is signal that you’re not confident enough in your own value and you have to play head-games in order to keep her interested. You don’t need to respond immediately – shit, you might be driving, y’know? – but you do want to keep the flow-of-conversation going. If you’re texting back and forth, then keep up a pace that works. You (or she) might be at work and can only text when you’re able to get a few minutes break. You might be having a long back-and-forth conversation before you go to bed that night.s

The only rule of thumb I would give is one text per response per day. It’s a serve and return situation. You send a text saying “Hey, had a weird dream about you last night. Just wanted to say you look good in a koala costume. And also: stay out of my dreams. ;)” and don’t hear back? You leave it. You’ve served. Now it’s up to her to return the ball. If she sends the ball back – “The koala suit? Damn it, I told them it was supposed to be a sloth!” – then you can volley it back. If it doesn’t come back, then you wait at least a day before sending another.

Just remember, one unreturned text could be anything. Two is suspicious but reasonable. Three means that either she’s ignoring you, or she lost her phone. Either way, you should stop texting until you hear from her.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: My boyfriend and I have been dating for almost a year and we’ve recently been going through some trouble. Up until this point, I’ve been so incredibly happy. We’ve gone on trips together, been through significant moments in each other’s lives, and I’ve felt really supported and healthy.

The problem is that I’m a doctoral student and he’s in law school, and the stress of school seems to be getting to both of us. He’s having trouble managing a relationship and school, while also dealing with financial stress. It’s really weighing on him and I can tell.

We’ve had a series of conversations about our relationship and he would like to “take a break” until the semester ends. I tried to suggest having a “less intense relationship” but he is worried that he’s not present enough for our relationship, that he’s not doing a good enough job and that staying together is making his anxiety worse. Staying together is also hard on me because I don’t feel as appreciated as I once did.

Do you think a “break” is a good idea? I still really love him a lot and don’t want to lose him. On the other hand, I don’t want to be waiting for someone who just doesn’t love me “enough”. I also don’t know the ground rules for a “break” and if that means we should not be in contact or remain talking. Any advance would be greatly appreciated!

-PhDepressed

DEAR PHDEPRESSED: Hang on: he’s a law student and you’re going for your doctorate and you’re dating for a year? I don’t know whether you’re both nuts or I should be asking you for time management tips. Every grad student I’ve ever known barely has time to, y’know, sleep, never mind date. The fact that the two of you have hung in there as long as you have is pretty goddamn impressive… but I’m not at all surprised that the two of you are stressed out.

And let me tell you: unrelenting stress is the death of all relationships, and the grad-student’s life is nothing but stress alternating with tedium punctuated by moments of sheer underwear-shitting panic. Multiply that by two and trying to maintain a relationship under those conditions isn’t just varsity level dating, it’s playing in the Majors.

So yeah, a break might not be a bad idea. As long as it’s not a matter of years, then you don’t have to break up per se; just take a vacation from seeing one another until your schedules ease up enough to spend some quality time together. You’ve both got enough to focus on without trying to keep a relationship alive and splitting your priorities like that is only going to mean you’re not giving any aspect of your life the attention it needs… so your studies and your dating life will suffer.

Ultimately it’s up to the two of you to decide what the rules are. Frankly, I’d be astounded if both of you had time to date other people, never mind each other, but you certainly don’t have to drop out of contact. Just… be willing to put one another on a back-burner for a couple of months while you get through your respective degree programs. Make plans to get together between semesters and take a long and much needed romantic getaway together… even if that getaway is locking yourselves up in the apartment with Netflix and take-out.

If it’s going to be a year or two before you’re both in a better position… well, then yes, a full break-up is probably in the cards for the both of you. You can only let a relationship lie dormant for so long before it tends to fade. This doesn’t mean that you can’t get back together afterwards, but it does mean that you should be willing to admit that neither of you are going to be able to give the other the care and attention they deserve under your current situation and that it’s better to have a clean break rather than to let what you have whither and curdle into resentment and frustration.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I need some advice, um obviously. It’s like this. I have recently started dating again, for the first time in two years. And I’ve so far gone the route of dating apps.

I met a man for a first date the other day (actually my first date in two years) and we had a connection which led to some making out and me staying at his, no sex though. I tried to be clear about not wanting to be in a relationship again right now and about talking to other guys on OKCupid, but he kept pushing me. Wanting me to say that I wouldn’t meet the other guys or that I would only have sex with him if we had sex, and that we would have sex. The weird thing is that I am pretty inexperienced, 4 partners total, and so it is really unlikely that I’m going to just go out and have a bunch of sex with anyone right away. I guess looking back there was a lot of weird boundary pushing after getting back to his place. 

So before we left the pub I agreed to a second date. And then all the stuff in the above paragraph happened and I felt like maybe I didn’t want a second date after all. He kept bringing up sex and it turns out he’s kinky, which is 100% fine, but I’m not kinky, like at all, and it just seemed like the more we talked about that the more I realized we were not at all compatible. But I still didn’t back out of the second date.

To be honest I didn’t feel like I could say no to a second date in person because I felt like there would be a lot of push back. And boy was there. He called me that day and texted me a couple of times trying to set up another date that night, but I had already told him, when we were trying to arrange the first date that I had a lot of work, which is true, so I couldn’t squeeze it in anyway. 

When I finally just told him I wasn’t up for a second date anymore I got a lot of questions texted back to me. I know I should have told him right away, but I guess I kept thinking that I was changing my mind too fast, that I wasn’t giving him a fair chance. But I can’t invent compatibility so I did tell him about 24 hours after the end of our first date that I couldn’t go out again.

So my question is really this: what do I do about these texts? The first one asks why I changed my mind, the second one asks what if it wasn’t a date and the third one says that he’s not really that surprised, that I was very clear about “wanting to meet others.” I haven’t responded to any of these messages because I don’t think he’s going to listen no matter what I say. So is that the right thing to do or was there something I should have said? And at what point should I have known that I didn’t want to see him again? I mean I don’t think I’ll go back to someone’s place again, but should I not kiss them either? I feel like it might have been the making out that made him attach himself to me so fast.

Anyway, any advice you have would be great.

Thanks,

Re-Dating

DEAR RE-DATING: Hey, Re-Dating? I hope you can forgive me, because I’ve got something of a larger point to make about socialization and I’m about to use you as an example. I promise we’re going to get back to your question, just stick with me for a minute.

Guys, whenever I talk about how women are socialized to put others’ needs – especially men’s – over their own? This is an example of what I’m talking about. RD goes out with a guy who gets insanely clingy after just one date, who’s ignoring her boundaries, and is insisting that she justify why she won’t go out with him again… and she’s wondering what SHE did wrong. She’s wondering how SHE led HIM on, as though she’s somehow responsible for his issues or his responses.

And people wonder why I’m so down on rigid gender roles.

RD, here’s the thing you need to understand: you didn’t do anything wrong. Making out with a dude on the first date? Totally kosher. Going back to his place: also cool, assuming you’re into it, you’ve got decent Spidey-sense and he’s not giving you the creeper vibes. Establishing that you’re just looking to date? Go you, you know what you want and you’re not just leaping into the first potential relationship that comes along. Decided that you don’t want a second date? Again, you’re doing great; agreeing to a second date isn’t a binding contract or a blood-oath. You’re not required to go on a date against your will. Cancel the date with as much lead-time as possible, if at all possible, and be polite about it.

(Guys: this goes for you too.)

But here’s the thing: THOSE are all your responsibilities. You’re not responsible for how he responds or how quickly he decides he’s gotten attached to you, nor do you owe him an explanation for why you don’t want to see him again. And, quite frankly, the “I don’t want to” is the ONLY reason you need. If you aren’t feeling it or you’ve changed your mind, that’s a perfectly legitimate reason to decide to cancel. You don’t need to provide a thesis as to why, you don’t need to run your explanation before the High Council of Dating. You just have to decide that nah, you’re not interested in seeing him again.

(And again: guys, this also applies to you.)

From everything you’ve said, you were up-front about what you had to offer, what you were up for and what your availability would be. Meanwhile, lover-boy… whooo, man, he takes the taco. During your first date he’s pushing for exclusivity and demanding that you promise that you’re going to f

k him. I realize you’ve been off the dating market for a while but that behavior? So very not cool. He was waving more red flags than a military parade in Tiananmen Square. At the most generous reading, he’s showing insanely low emotional and social intelligence and has a hard time respecting boundaries and understanding social mores, which means he’s not exactly dating material to start with. At worst… well, frankly, pushing for exclusivity that quickly is often a sign of a potential abuser; they’re trying to lock you into a relationship before you have time to recognize that something might be wrong.

Right now though, you’re letting the bulls

t conditioning that says women are somehow responsible for managing men’s emotional lives tell you that you’re at fault for his s

tty behavior. You are not. You didn’t lead him on. You weren’t giving mixed signals. You didn’t “move too fast” or “take too long” to change your mind about how you felt. The problem was there’s something wrong with HIM.

So here’s what you do now: you block his number and you forget about him. He’s a s

tty date that you’ll laugh about later with your friends over drinks when you’re swapping horror stories. As for your next dates… you do what feels right to you and at a pace you’re comfortable with. If you’d rather not go back to somebody’s place on a first date, I could hardly blame you after this experience; I could totally understand wanting to take a bit more time to be sure that you trust them and that there’s some genuine chemistry and compatibility there. Somebody who’s worth dating is going to respect your boundaries and limits. Someone who’s not on the same page as you – but is emotionally healthy and socially intelligent – will move on to find somebody else, not push and push and push at you to get what he wants.

But you need to keep in mind: YOU are not responsible for how THEY respond. If they get weird, that’s their problem, not yours.

Good luck, RD. There’re better guys out there than that.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’m a dude.

I fell for my friends girlfriend.

She fell for me.

They broke up after 4 year relationship.

She’s a neurotic type, feeling like the whole world depends on her (I think I like her because we are so much alike). She wants me, she says I’m the only person that makes her happy, but she’s not ready yet to engage in such a relationship. After she had broken up with him, she’s been drinking and partying, as a way to forget, I guess. 

The only thing that comes to my mind is simply: wait. But I cannot be her friend, nor I think should I be her friend (especially since we both like each other, it seems like a cheat). Is waiting the best option or should I do something?

— My Best Friend’s Girlfriend

DEAR MY BEST FRIEND’S GIRLFRIEND: There are a couple things to keep in mind.

First of all, she just got out of a four year relationship. That alone means she’s probably going to need some time to adjust to the end of the relationship. Even in an ugly, unpleasant break-up, it takes time to not just process your feelings, but to start getting used to being single and NOT having that person in your life any more. So that alone is going to slow things down between the two of you.

But your relationship to her ex adds another wrinkle. Because you were her boyfriend’s best friend, she may well feel awkward about using you as a landing pad after ejecting. If she’s still interested in something with you, then she may want to give it time, if only so it doesn’t look like she was cheating, or to make things awkward between you and your best friend. So, you may well be in for a long haul if you’re waiting for her to get over things.

But to be perfectly honest…

The old saying “deeds, not words” applies here, and her actions here are not necessarily the actions of a woman who’s fallen for you and left a relationship because of you. She may say that she wants you and that you’re the only person who makes her happy, but the way she’s acting says “I’m out of a long-term relationship and by God I’m going to celebrate my newfound freedom!”

Could it be that what she’s actually doing is acting out as a form of handling the aftermath of an ugly break-up? I mean… sure, that’s not entirely outside of the realm of possibility. But that strikes me as being more motivated reasoning on your part, rather than her dealing with complicated feelings before she decides to get into another committed relationship.

You need to ask yourself some hard questions: Did she really fall for you, or was this the thrill of the novel and different? Or, for that matter, is it possible that you provided a convenient excuse to exit a relationship that was already on its downward spiral?

Is she really not ready for another relationship or is she giving you a soft “no”? And if she does just need time to sort things out, you need to ask yourself just how long are you willing to put your life on hold while you wait for her?

Once you have some answers to these questions, you may want to talk to her. Explain to her how you feel, and tell her that you’d appreciate an idea of where the two of you stand. How long does she expect you to wait for her, especially while she’s out drinking and partying. If it really is the case that she wants to date you, but she’s not ready yet, then you’d appreciate a little reassurance, and maybe an idea of when she thinks she might be ready to pursue something with you. If it’s not… well, you’d really appreciate it if she told you, because otherwise it’s not really fair to either of you.

And after you two have that potentially awkward conversation, you need to be willing to walk away. Waiting around in hopes that she’ll eventually change her mind doesn’t do you any good; all it does is waste your time and potentially alienate any future friendship the two of you could have.

It may well be that her attraction to you was just a momentary infatuation, born out of the moment when you were forbidden fruit. Or it could well be that her grieving and adjustment period will be longer than you’re willing to wait. In that case, you’re well within your rights to move on; nobody says you resign yourself to being single until someone else is ready to date.

Or it could be that the prospect of losing you as well will snap her out of it and finally make up her mind.

But none of that can happen until the two of you actually talk things out.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’m a freshman in college and thanks to the advice given to me by basically everyone, I found a girl who was gorgeous and seemed my type and started a conversation.

Things went pretty well from there, I hung out in her room for several hours at a time every other day or so as we talked about various things, until the time came to actually ask her out, about a week after we’d met and a total of around 10 hours hanging out in her room talking.  

I started out by simply asking her if she had a boyfriend, and she responded with “no, I do not” and left it at that as we went to her room to hang out.  An hour or so later, when I was about to leave, I mustered the courage to actually ask her out, and a vague transcript would be something like this (some probable inaccuracies given my mental state at the time, but I think it’s pretty close):

Me: I was wondering if you’d like to go an an actual date sometime.

Her: No, I mean, I have no idea how to date and barely know how to hang out.

Me: Would you be willing to at least give it a try?

Her: No (some other words followed, nothing nasty, but I can’t fully recall them).

Since then, we’ve hung out a few times and have gone to lunch and dinner with and without her roommate/friend, and I haven’t mentioned dating since then. I’m very bad at interpreting body language and can’t give any reliable information on that regard, but I was wondering if there would be any way to salvage the situation or if the most I can realistically hope for is having her as a friend (wouldn’t be a bad option, she’s an amazing person and just being around her is fun, but I’d like more).

- First Impression, Second Chance

DEAR FIRST IMPRESSION, SECOND CHANCE: You made a couple fairly common mistakes, FISC.

First and foremost: you did the classic “Let’s go do something, sometime” line. This is something I see folks do all the time and it drives me up a wall.

To start with, it’s pretty wishy-washy. Most of the time, when I see people use some variation of that line — usually “let’s hang out” or “get together sometime” — it’s because they don’t fully want to commit to the idea of actually asking someone out on a date. It’s Schrodinger’s Date, where you are both on and are not on a date, and you won’t know until it seems like it’s going well enough that you can risk collapsing the quantum wave and calling it a date after the fact.

Not only is that lack of confidence or assertiveness not terribly attractive, but trying to surf the ambiguity wave of “is this a date? Is it not a date?” is kinda s

tty to do to someone, especially if THEY think they’re just hanging with a friend, only to find out hey, guess what? It’s a date! Surprise!

But just as importantly, it’s so vague and unspecific as to be meaningless. Now, you get points for actually using the word “date”… but you still left it undefined. Many times, it just serves to put the onus on suggesting an idea and a time on the person you’re asking out.

So next time, don’t ask for “a date, some time”. Have a specific activity and a specific time in mind. For example, you could ask: “Hey, how do you feel about cocktails and pinball? There’s an amazing arcade that has a full bar and craft cocktails, and I’d love to take you. How does Saturday work for you?”

Alternately, you could propose the activity, but give a range of times where you’re available, so that she has a little more flexibility in terms of days. “I’m free this Friday and next Saturday; how about you?”

Your other mistake is that you’re missing that she gave you a soft “no” — a way of turning you down without actually saying “no, thanks”. While it’d be great if more women felt safe and secure to say “no” directly, not only are women still taught that saying “no” straight up is rude, but many, MANY women have experienced dudes freaking out at them when they’ve said “I’m not interested, thanks”. A soft no, with a plausible excuse why it can’t happen, is a way of staying safe.

Now, the fact that you and she still hang out on occasion is a good sign; it’s an indication that you’re on friendly terms. However, unless she specifically indicates that she’s changed her mind — and I mean telling you directly, not through your trying to read the tea leaves — you should accept that you and she are friends, not potential lovers, and you should look elsewhere to find a date.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com