DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: The previous year I wrote you a message here regarding “How to get over someone”. It was about a girl that I thought she was perfect for me but the timing was wrong. She said that even if she liked me very much, she was about to find a job in another country and she was still getting over a long term relationship, so she was not right for me at that time. I was devastated at first, but I followed all your advice. I took the nuclear option, I maintained a good relationship with our common friends, I had many new experiences, I even dated again and at some point after 4-5 months her memory started to fade. I felt tremendously good, because after a long time I could say for sure that I got over her! Your advice back then, clearly helped me to heal, learn and grow.

Then suddenly after 9 months, I met her by chance in a local event. We had a casual conversation and we started hanging out with our common friends once a month, including some Zoom sessions during the lockdown. Although I still liked her, my position was different because (a) I didn’t need her since I strongly believed (and I still do) that I can lead a very enjoyable life without her and (b) the reason she ended things was still hanging there. She didn’t move to another country yet but she was planning to. So, I maintained a very tiny contact but at the same time I was honestly thinking about how I can meet a new girl.

Before a few months, one common friend told me, that this girl decided to not leave our country, and that, surprise surprise, she found a job in my town! Then it occurred to me that the reasons she gave me for breaking up have vanished. And the question came to my mind “Since I clearly got over her back then, there was no drama between us and the reasons she gave me for ending things are not here anymore, should I try and get back with her?”

The fact that she was the one who dumped me back then holds me back. Truth to be told, the interaction between us is still a little awkward when we hang out with other friends. I can sense a cold space still existing between us. I just know that when she comes in my town in few months, since we have many common friends, we will be hanging out much more often. We never text each other, but I thought that I could give it a chance by starting one or two conversations with her and observe whether a connection is slowly evolving or not. I am just afraid to take things too slowly so as to not give the impression that I am just a friend. How should one proceed in that case?

On the other hand I could just let this go and focus on finding someone else, but the fact that I had a great time with her back then makes me think if it would be a good idea to give it a chance. The only thing that holds me back is fear and uncertainty.

Only one thing is sure. I don’t need her and I honestly think that I can happily live without her … or with her and her boyfriend if she has one! I can definitely find someone new who would be nice for me, but given the situation should I give it a chance and if yes then how?

Thank you very much

To Be or Not to Be

DEAR TO BE OR NOT TO BE: My rule of thumb is that your ex is your ex for a reason, TBNTB, and that trying to go back is frequently a bad decision. Most of the time when I hear from people who want to get back with their ex, it’s so soon after the break-up that there really hasn’t been any time for things to have changed. You need both time and distance to get perspective on the relationship, time to grow and change and — importantly — to move forward with your life. The people who are most interested in trying to get back with their ex have a tendency to try to speed-run the process and, frankly, that doesn’t work. There is no short-cut to the process; you can’t get over someone in double-time or become a different person like you’re doing a training montage in Dragon Ball Z. You have to take it at the same pace as everyone else and not let the desire for it to be done already to color your perspective.

Nine months ain’t that much time. And, frankly, some of what you’re describing sounds a lot like what’s known as motivated reasoning: you’re so hoping for a specific outcome that you’re justifying your reasoning based on what you want, rather than the facts on the ground.

I mean, for someone who got over her, you jumped right back to “well, maybe we can get together again” after having only seen her less than a handful of times. There hasn’t been any sort of transition period of getting to know each other as you are now, no real time to get reacquainted, see if you can make a platonic friendship work. As soon as you found out that she wasn’t moving after all, your immediate impulse was to try to start things up again.

Now I get the impulse. I have been there and done that more times than I care to think about. I’ve played the “I got over you first” game before. Hell, there’ve been times where I was absolutely convinced that I was over them. But I was wrong; there hadn’t been enough time, I hadn’t gotten enough distance and I sure as hell didn’t actually have enough perspective to see things differently. I had decided I was over her because I wanted to believe I was.

That lasted… oh, about three weeks before I was trying to get back with her. Which worked about as well as you might expect.

So right from the jump: no, I don’t think this is a good idea. I don’t think you’re nearly as over her as you think you are, and trying to get back together with her is going to just end in tears.

But on top of everything else, there doesn’t seem to be any indication that she wants to get back with you. Having had a good time talking with her isn’t a sign that it’s a good time to try to pursue things with her again. That’s a sign that things were cordial and friendly. She may not be leaving the country any more, but the fact that she hasn’t made any serious attempt to reach out or get back in touch with you is a pretty good indicator that she’s not looking to rekindle things. Now whether this means that her plans to leave provided her a convenient excuse for a break-up she wanted anyway or her feelings have changed over the intervening months is ultimately irrelevant; what matters is that there haven’t been any signs of interest from her. In fact, you mention that you never text and you still feel “a cold space” from her side. All of that seems like a more reliable indicator that no, she’s not thinking that maybe she made a mistake and wants to try again.

As a general rule, TBNTB: when folks want to be with you, there’s very rarely any need to guess. People who are interested and want to date you tend to be pretty clear that yes, that’s what they want. Especially when the two of you have dated briefly before. You’re not getting any of that from her. Hell, it doesn’t sound like you’re getting any sort of attention from her that you could interpret as potential interest if you squint hard enough.

I don’t think you’re as over her as you think, and I really don’t think trying to get back with her is a good idea. I think your best move is to be polite and friendly when you see her at group hang-outs, but to let go of the idea of getting back together. You need to be moving forward… and you can’t do that while you’re constantly looking back at something that never even got off the ground in the first place.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’m a recently turned 30 cis woman. I am also a recovering alcoholic who worked at the rehab that helped me. Recently I relapsed, due to several factors, but the big one was helping a fellow person with substance abuse.

This man went to the same place shortly before I did, and was one of two people I trusted to get in a car with. I drove him to detox in May, and before the end of June he had relapsed. I had done nothing sexual with him (even though I wanted to) for over 3 years, but I have loved him for nearly that long. I never met anyone I connected with more, and I was the only person he could talk to about his drinking, nerdiness, and trauma as his use drove everyone away but me. He would go months without replying, but I always sent him “I hope you are doing well” text at the beginning and end of each month.

After he relapsed, I had a bunch of hits in life and relapsed on the 4th of July with him, even though he didn’t know I was drinking. We had sex, fun, and nerded out. Best I had felt in years. However, when I was honest and told him and tried talking, he acted like I had corrupted myself and treated me with disgust and hurt. I tried to apologise and talk to him, not very often,  just once every two weeks like I had before. He finally responded and he asked I call him. I did and got too emotional by crying and shedding “crocodile tears”.

He informed me that I was now blocked. I can take rejection, but he is going to kill himself drinking. He is at least 20 pounds underweight and has had multiple seizures when trying to quit. I am the only one who knows how bad he is. I blame myself for not being more patient and just waiting again.

Do I have a duty to tell anyone about how bad he is, or should I just cut him out like he has me? I don’t want him to die or worse. Do you have any advice?

Regrets, I Have A Few

DEAR REGRETS, I HAVE A FEW: So if I’m understanding things correctly, RIHF: you’ve known him for more than 3 years, had unrequited feelings for him for pretty much that entire time, and most of that time was while you both were in rehab. You were one of the few people he could talk with because his trauma and addiction issues pushed people away, but even then, he wasn’t terribly responsive when you would text him.

He relapsed in June, and then on July 4th, unbeknownst to him, you relapsed too. Then, while you were still in the middle of your relapse, you and he finally hooked up. Then he found out you’d been drinking again — especially while you two were involved sexually — and this freaked him out. Since then, he’s blocked you, apparently in no small part because of how you reacted when you called him.

Now you’re wondering how to reach out to others about him.

So, assuming I’ve got all this right… well, I’m gonna be honest with you RIHF: I understand why he blocked you. Recovering from addiction issues can be incredibly difficult; it’s a process that can often take months under the best of circumstances, and requires a careful plan to stay sober afterwards. Your friend had already relapsed shortly before you two hooked up, which is, in and of itself, a tricky area. There’re a number of reasons why many addiction therapy programs suggest that people in recovery shouldn’t be in romantic relationships for the first year: recovery and staying sober should be their number one priority. The early stages of a relationship can be exciting, even overwhelming, and it’s very easy to get lost in the thrill of the new relationship energy. It’s very tempting to devote more and more of your energy and attention to spending time with your partner instead of caring for yourself. That in and of itself can impede their recovery and make it that much harder to stay sober.

Moreover, relationships with someone who’s also in recovery have the potential to be problematic; after all, if one partner relapses, it increases the likelihood of the other partner relapsing as well. Trying to stay sober when your partner is relapsing becomes an even greater challenge, especially if one partner’s addiction has triggers associated with relationships or stress.

So, the fact that a) you hooked up with him so soon after he relapsed and b) you had just relapsed yourself are all pretty damn good reasons for him to not just call it quits with you but to get some very much-needed distance. But the fact that you were being performatively remorseful — those “crocodile tears” you mentioned — is another very good reason for him to decide to block you. The former are a matter of bad judgement. The latter, however, marks a point where you were being manipulative with him. That’s not the sort of behavior that says “I’m sorry, I realize what I did wrong and I’m sorry I hurt you.” That’s behavior that says “I’m going to try to make you feel sorry for me so you forgive me or take me back.”

Fortunately for him, it seems like he’s recognized that and he drew a very firm boundary: you were bad for his recovery, you were being manipulative and he didn’t want you in his life. It hurts, I get that, but that’s his call and it’s one I can understand.

But those crocodile tears are also part of why I have to side-eye your concern for him and your desire to reach out to others about him. On the surface, it’s a noble and understandable desire: you care for him, you’ve seen him struggle and you don’t want him to be hurt while he’s going through recovery. But your attempts at manipulating him make it hard to take your concern at face value; it’s very easy to dress up a desire to reconnect with him as concern for his safety. Reaching out to others because one is “worried” is a fairly common way of weaseling one’s way into the life of someone who’s cut them out. To be perfectly blunt: this sounds an awful lot like wanting to get around the fact that he blocked you.

However, let’s say that you’re sincere and that your only desire is to see to his well-being. On a strictly practical level… who are you going to reach out to? You mentioned that he’s driven other people away; if he’s isolated himself again, then there aren’t folks you to reach out to in the first place. If he’s in treatment or in a recovery program somewhere, I also can’t imagine that they’re going to be terribly receptive to someone getting in touch to talk about his status or his health. I’m not exactly sure how you’d be in a position to help him, even if your motives are as pure as the driven snow.

And then there’s the fact that, frankly, he’s made it clear that he doesn’t want you in his life and feels that your involvement is bad for him. The important codicil to step 9 in the twelve steps is that making amends to someone shouldn’t be done if it would cause more harm. The last thing you want is to make things worse for him, even if your only goal is to try to help.

It would be one thing if you saw that he was about to be hit by a speeding car and you were the only person close enough to pull him out of the way. But your concern is about the possibility of harm, the fear of what might happen. While the odds may or may not be in his favor, they’re also not guaranteed.

As much as it sucks, you don’t really have a play here, and I don’t think it would be wise to do anything even if you did. As of this writing, you’re barely over a month out of your own relapse. There’s a reason why people are taught to make sure their own mask is secure before helping others with theirs. Your priority needs to be your own recovery, not trying to help other people with theirs… especially people who have made it clear that they don’t want anything to do with you.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I really love your blog and I have used it a lot to gain confidence in dating and put myself out there over the years. I am an overweight 27 year old male, I am trying to lose weight and work on myself.

Recently I met an amazing girl before COVID, we have been able to make it work. I have to say that I really like her a lot. However, my girlfriend told me she had shared her bed with a long time ex-lover last week while we were still together. Apparently, she was going to take him to the airport the next morning. The house that she is living in has a guest room and there is always the couch where her “friend” could have stayed. I have to say that I am devastated, I feel like a fool. I know that I don’t own my girlfriend and she’s entitled to do whatever she wants especially in her own home, but I feel completely blindsided.

She is acting like it is completely normal to share an intimate part of her space with an old flame and I am supposed to just accept it.

I asked a friend and he told me if stayed with her I would only be enabling her to act this way and that I would be a cuck haha.

Am I the a--hole for feeling this way?

Thank you for all the advice you have given over the years,

Feeling Like A Fool

DEAR FEELING LIKE A FOOL: As is so often the case, this is a time when the question you’re asking me isn’t really the question you want the answer to. But hey, let’s start with the surface question before we get to what you really mean.

To start with, no, you’re NOT an a--hole for the way you feel. You feel blindsided and upset, and those feelings are real. Telling you that you’re an a--hole for having those feelings would be counterproductive at best; it’d be demanding something from you that you aren’t really in a position to give. While there are plenty of folks who will tell you that having those feelings makes you a bad person, the truth is that it’s very clear that you’ve been blindsided by circumstances you’ve never faced before, and you’re having very complicated emotions because of it. That’s normal. Even the hardest of the hardcore poly crowd deal with jealousy and difficult emotions, and virtually nobody can say that they’re going to be ok with a situation they’ve never encountered before until they’ve actually experienced it.

It seems pretty clear to me that this is the first time you’ve dealt with this, so it’s understandable that you’re gonna feel weird (at best). That doesn’t make you an a--hole. And honestly, having strong issues with your partner choosing to share the bed with her ex when there’re other options isn’t unreasonable.

Now, what you do because of those emotions is what makes you an a--hole or not. Discussing things with her, expressing your reservations (in as calm and collected a manner as possible) and trying to work things out, for example, would be a fairly mature thing to do, NOT an a--hole move. So, for that matter, would be deciding that this is a boundary for you, that you don’t think this is something you could be cool with and that if that’s a thing that she’s going to insist on, then it’s better for both of you to break up.

Yelling, insulting her or throwing around wild accusations, on the other hand WOULD make you an a--hole.

(I’m not saying that you did this; I’m saying that these are examples of a--hole behavior resulting from those feelings).

However, all that isn’t what you’re really asking about. What you’re actually asking me is “is it ok that she did this, is it ok for you to get upset about it and do I think she cheated on you?” Which is a different issue all together. And that is going to depend on a lot of things.

But while it’s easy to dig into the rabbit hole of “did she cheat on you”, let’s take a slightly different tact and address a different issue entirely: a question of safety. Right now, not only is the COVID-19 pandemic still rampaging through the country, but cases are trending steadily up. And while a vaccine is around the corner, immunity is still months away at the earliest. Which means that we have to continue to be very careful in order to check the spread of the disease, especially when people are (foolishly, irresponsibly) insisting on travelling for the holidays, seeing families in large indoor gatherings and so on. And while people have formed quarantine pods with people who are supposedly safe… I’ve seen people who don’t seem to realize just how many people are actually in their pod or bubble. Because when one person in that group is part of someone else’s group and someone in that group has somebody who’s in yet another group, the number of people who are all being exposed to one another goes up exponentially. And while you and your crew might be rigorously safe, you can’t say the same for everyone in those secondary or tertiary groups. So I’ve got some serious side-eye for your girlfriend for bringing someone else around that could potentially lead to her or you getting exposed.

And while this may seem like a nit-picky thing to get upset about, I’ve literally seen people I know get exposed this way. So if the two of you didn’t have a conversation about safety precautions and acceptable levels of risk, especially when seeing other people… well, that’s not cool and a conversation you need to have — with her and with anyone else you may end up dating before the pandemic is over or you get vaccinated.

With that out of the way… let’s talk exes, beds and whether this was ok or not.

If we’re being honest, I’m of two minds. On the one hand, sharing a bed doesn’t automatically equal cheating or even an egregious violation of trust. I know plenty of partnered folks — people in monogamous, closed relationships — who’ve shared beds with people they weren’t dating or in relationships. It was literally two people using the same bed and honestly, that’s not really that big of a deal. There can be a lot of personal variation in whether somebody might be comfortable doing that themselves but honestly, it’s not an inherently intimate act.

(Really the issue that would give ME pause would be one of comfort, rather than intimacy. But that’s because I’ve got joint pain issues, so I need my space.)

Similarly, I don’t think there’s anything inherently untrustworthy or sketchy about being friends, even close friends, with an ex. I think the idea that if you break up with someone, they’re given the damnatio ex memorae and you exile them from your life can be short-sighted. Her being close with someone who was important to her isn’t weird or something to be worried about. Under normal circumstances, being friends with one’s exes tends to be a sign of maturity and emotional intelligence.

Where I start to side-eye her is the fact that there wasn’t a need to share the same bed. You say she’s got a guest room and a couch, so it’s not a case of being in a studio apartment with just the one bed. That makes it a little hinky to me. Not enough to issue some declaratory statement that This Was Wrong, but certainly enough for me to say “did you really need to invite this drama?”

I have more of an issue with the fact that it seems like she’s dismissing your feelings out of hand. While there’s been a lot of ink and pixels spilled about the concept of “emotional labor” and what is and isn’t asking too much from our partners, I don’t think it’s unreasonable to talk things out, to provide some reassurance and hopefully find, if not common ground, then at least some understanding between the two of you. Maybe she could have explained her reasoning better, in a way that would help you understand her position and help you feel better. You could have explained why this makes you uncomfortable and the two of you could have found some form of accommodation for the future.

But dropping this on you from the clear blue sky and then (apparently) saying “deal with it lol” isn’t the coolest way to handle it. Maybe this is just the way she rolls, sure. But if that’s not something you knew about or that she was gonna share the bed with him, then it’s not unreasonable that you’re going to be a bit gobsmacked when it comes out of nowhere. While someone with a little more experience under their belt might have a different emotional reaction… that person isn’t you. Expecting you to react the way that person would isn’t reasonable. And while your girlfriend isn’t responsible for managing your emotions, you both do have a responsibility to each other and trying to work through issues like this falls very firmly into that category.

Now the question that’s hanging around like a fart in a closet is: did she f--k him? Honestly, I have no idea and I wouldn’t feel comfortable making a guess. Like I said: being close with an ex doesn’t mean that those pantsfeels are still there. And even if one of them still had the horn for the other, that doesn’t mean that anything was going to happen; it takes two to tango, after all. Having close friends who correspond to your sexuality doesn’t mean sex is going to happen, even if you’re sleeping in the same bed. So I think that question comes down to “do you trust your girlfriend or not”. If you do, and she tells you that nothing happened, then take her at her word. If you don’t trust her… well, then you’ve got a bigger issue than her sleeping arrangements and that’s usually relationship-ending problem.

(Incidentally, your friend’s take is kinda s--tty and calling someone a cuck is generally a great indicator that you no longer have to take their opinion seriously.)

The question of “Is it ok that she shared a bed with him?” is an edge case. I’m inclined to say “it’s not great“, but more because of how it seems that she’s handled this. If she had brought up that this is how she does things before hand, then you could’ve hashed it out and at least started trying to work on your feelings about it. Similarly, presenting it as fait accompli and telling you that you just need to be cool with it, end of discussion isn’t not cool of her either. Even if she’s used to dating dudes who’ve been ok with it before, you aren’t them.

That’s why yes, it is ok that you’re upset about this. Like I said: you’re dealing with a new situation, and it’s understandable that you have a lot of complex and uncomfortable emotions about it.

What matters now is how you both handle things moving forward. If you and she can have that Awkward Conversation and you can explain — without judgement or accusations — why this bothers you, how you’d like this to be handled in an ideal world, and what sort of compromises you could be comfortable with… then that’s progress. Similarly, if she can accept that you feel this way and need a little reassurance from her and actually give you that reassurance and the two of you can find a compromise that works for both of you, then hey: you got through a rough patch you didn’t see coming. Now you’ve improved your communication, identified some sensitive areas in your relationship and are hopefully coming out of it stronger than before. But if you lose your s--t at her or she dismisses your feelings out of hand and tells you to just get over it? Then that’s a sign that the two of you aren’t right for each other and it’s better that you end things now.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com