DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’m not sure if this is the kind of question to take on, because it’s not about me specifically, but about my brother (30) and his girlfriend (29). They’ve been in a relationship for about five years and to be blunt about it, my brother is a horrible person. I really like his GF, she’s cute and funny and a great cook. But my brother’s relationship with her is terrible, he clearly has no feelings for her, and instead only wants somebody to bully / cook and clean for him / have sex with.

One of the most concerning things that has happened recently was a short (2-3 day) breakup due to the fact she is putting on weight. I think it is important to state up front that my brother is a weightlifter / bodybuilder and he works hard and is very vain about his own looks. He boasts about how easy it is for him to up or down his weight at will. The girlfriend is not incredibly overweight, maybe a little chubby and she dresses well and always looks cute. Not long after his break-up, get-back-together routine, we spent a weekend together soon after at my mother’s house and I couldn’t stand watching the way he was controlling her life in relation to her weight. We all went out for a coffee and it was brought out with a cookie on the saucer. He took it away from her and gave it to somebody else. Whenever we went out to eat, he dictates what she orders, and throughout the trip he forced her to go on walks. A few years ago a mutual friend of ours had bariatric surgery and for dinner they’d only eat a can of tuna. He once told her to start eating a single can of tuna for dinner too, stating “If they can do it, why can’t you?”

Another thing which was concerning during the trip was the constant negging. If me and my mother complemented her, he’d tell us (in front of her) not to, so we don’t give her an ego. If something ever went wrong (he didn’t pack a jacket for the trip) he’d blame her (even though he’s working at home and she’s working onsite). He’d constantly be ridiculing her and putting her down – it was an incredibly difficult thing to watch.

Not long ago, I looked after his cat and he said that his GF would cook me something to thank me. I told her that ‘despite what he says, that wasn’t necessary’. But she went and snitched on me, and I got a message from him that said something like “She’ll do what I tell her to do.”

I honestly don’t know what to do. I’m afraid that if I approach her again about it, I’ll get a similar result as last time, and I may end up burning my relationship with him. But they’re starting to talk about marriage and to be frank – she deserves better. How do you think I should approach this?

Third Wheel

DEAR THIRD WHEEL: You know, TW, you mention that one of the possible consequences of getting involved in this mess is that you’ll burn your relationship with your brother. But if I’m being perfectly honest, I’m not entirely sure why this is a bad thing. Yes, he’s your brother. But if there’s one thing I’ve learned over the years — especially recently — it’s that family isn’t about blood, it’s about choice. Just because someone shares some DNA with you doesn’t mean that you’re obligated to have them in your life. And frankly, you’re right: your brother sounds like an awful person. He’s not directing it at you, but as many, many people point out: the true test of someone’s character is how they threat others. The guy who’s sweet to his date but is rude to waitstaff or store employees is revealing who he actually is. And in this case we have someone who may be ok with his family, but treats his girlfriend abominably.

But let’s talk about what you can do about this.

Unfortunately, the short answer is: not much.

One of the most frustrating — even maddening — truths about toxic and abusive relationships is that there’s very little people on the outside can do about it that’s actually effective. The problem is that, as an outsider, you have an entirely different perspective than the person who’s in the relationship. This is part of why we have the constant, wrong-headed discussions about “why don’t people leave their abusers?”

(This is the wrong question to ask. The right question to ask is “how do we learn to recognize abusers and abusive relationships, and how do we prevent them in the first place”.)

From an outsider’s perspective, it seems incredibly clear cut: this is horrific, grab your s--t and get the hell out. But what’s crystal clear to people on the outside looks vastly different to people who are in the relationship, and that’s where things get murky, confusing and difficult. To start with, there’s the fact that they may disagree that this is actually abuse. A lot of people — including people who are in abusive relationships — picture abusers as cartoon villains. Their concept of an abuser looks like Sensei Kreese in The Karate Kid and Cobra Kai — a thuggish, violent bully who just lives to inflict pain on everyone at the drop of a hat. Their concept of an abusive relationship means plethora of physical violence — smacking somebody around, for example. And while there are plenty of abusive relationships that are exactly like that, abuse is often subtle and insidious. Many forms of abuse are strictly emotional and psychological… constantly belittling someone, controlling them and dominating every aspect of their lives.

Such as, say, what your brother is doing.

It’s often hard for people to recognize that this is a form of abuse because it doesn’t line up with what they picture as abuse. Worse, because it’s emotional and not physical, it’s much easier for abusers to gaslight their victims into thinking that “it’s not so bad”, that “they’re overreacting” or even that their abusers care, they’re just “doing this for their own good”. And honestly… it’s distressingly easy to see how somebody could buy into that. It’s all too easy to see someone saying “wait, all he does is yell at you about your weight? And you’re calling that abuse?” If you combine that with the fact that some people deal with physical abuse and someone can get caught up in what’s known as the Fallacy of Relative Privation. This is when somebody compares something to a worst-case scenario in order to diminish the the thing being compared. An example might be: “My father used to get drunk and beat me with a broomstick, so what you’re going through isn’t abuse”. But the fact that other people were physically abused — or faced other forms of abuse — doesn’t change the fact that the victim of emotional abuse is still being abused.

Another common difficulty is that people often don’t want to believe they’re being abused. Just as we have that mental image of abusers, we also have ideas of what victims of abuse look like. This is where the “why don’t they just leave” discourse gets extremely troubling; because it seems so obvious to us that someone is being abused, there’s a tendency to see victims of abuse as being stupid, weak-willed or just so beaten down and pathetic that they no longer have any agency of their own. Not only is that actively insulting to people who’ve survived and escaped abusive relationships, but it also causes people who are being abused to deny that they’re being abused. They don’t want to believe that they’re someone who could be abused, that they’re not like the mental image of a victim of abuse that they carry around in their head. And since they don’t want to believe they could be someone who would “let” that happen to them, what they’re experiencing can’t possibly be abuse.

It’s also incredibly important to recognize that abusers make it very hard for their victims to be able to leave. Many people who are in abusive relationships stay, not because they don’t recognize what’s going on or because they want to stay but because they can’t. Their abuser may have restricted their access to finances or resources that they’d need to leave — not just money, but transportation, medication, even things most people take for granted like driver’s licenses or identification. They may stay because their abuser has threatened to harm someone else, like a child or a pet. Hell, some abusers will threaten to harm themselves, making subtle or even overt threats of self-harm or suicide if their victim leaves them.

At the end of the day, a victim of abuse is only going to leave when they’re ready and able to do so, not before. And unfortunately, there’s no way for concerned friends and family members to make that happen before they’re ready.

Now all of this sounds like I’m saying to leave it alone. And I’m not. What you can do is help create the circumstances that will empower your brother’s girlfriend to be ready to leave.

To start with: talk to her. One of the worst things about being a victim of abuse is the sense of isolation. Abusers are excellent at convincing their victims that they’re alone and that nobody will help or believe them. Talking to her and saying “you know, you don’t deserve to be treated the way that he treats you” and “The way he talks to you is unacceptable,” let her know that you see what’s going on, that you recognize it for what it is and reaffirms that what he’s doing is wrong. Affirming her situation, that it’s real, that it’s wrong, and that she’s not alone is hugely important. So, for that matter, does acknowledging that this is abuse. Having someone else affirm that yes, it is bad enough to call it abuse, can often be what starts them on the path of getting out.

But you want to be careful in how you phrase and frame things. Saying something like “why do you let him treat you like this” can inadvertently reinforce the idea that she’s helpless or weak. This could cause her to get defensive — “I’m not weak” — or humiliate her by implying she should be doing things differently. By putting the emphasis on his actions — “he’s treating you abominably” — you’re telling her that you recognize and acknowledge what she’s going through. You’re not putting blame, however unintentional, on her. You also have to be careful to be non-judgmental and to avoid criticizing her choices. This can trigger feelings of shame and guilt and make her retreat from you, instead of him. What she needs is affirmation, support and someone to listen. Being the person who says “I’m ready to listen to you” is huge.

Similarly, encourage her to reach out to her friends and family for support. One of the things that helps somebody decide they’re ready to leave a toxic or abusive relationship is knowing that they have a network of support that they can turn to. And that network is important. If there’s only one person in her corner — you — then there’s also a single point of failure. It’s easy to cut someone off from one source of support; it’s much harder to cut them off from multiple sources.

I would also recommend putting her in contact with other resources that can help her. The National Domestic Abuse Hotline (1-800-799-7233) has a number of ways that she can reach out to them. They have trained volunteers who are ready to listen and to help, whether via live chat, a free 800 number or texting. If she’s not comfortable talking to you, then she might be more comfortable talking to a non-judgmental stranger.

What you don’t want to do is tell her what to do. You can’t tell her to leave him or “rescue” her. Part of abuse, whether physical, emotional or psychological, is about removing control from the victim. The last thing you want is to play into a similar dynamic; if she feels like you would be equally controlling, then she’s likely to pull away. Instead, let her know that she can reach out to you and that you’re ready to help or support her in the way she needs. That may mean being the shoulder to cry on and to listen quietly when she needs to talk. It may mean giving her a place where she can work through her incredibly complicated and difficult emotions and feelings regarding her relationship with your brother. In time it may mean helping her figure out how to end things with him… but that’s got to be her choice and on her timeline. Supporting her decisions, providing her with reassurance and affirmation is going to be far more important than trying to get her to agree that it’s time to go.

You also don’t want to give up over her “ratting you out”. As I said: toxic and abusive relationships are tricky things and sometimes people will refuse help or cling harder to their abusers. If that’s the case, then let her know you’re there to listen without judgment if she ever wants to talk, and leave it there. If she’s not ready or doesn’t want to talk, then don’t push it. Just keep the lines of communication open if she ever needs them.

Now I’m of two minds about whether confronting your brother will help. On the one hand, openly calling out his s--tty behavior in the moment reinforces both that his behavior is wrong and that people recognize what he’s doing. Social opprobrium is a powerful tool and it takes away from his ability to minimize his treatment of her. Similarly, telling him that he’s talking about and to her disrespectfully or that the way he treats her is unhealthy can possibly start the chain of events that would lead to his getting help and changing his ways. It’s a very slight chance… but it’s there.

However, it also runs the risk of causing him to isolate her further… especially from you. One of the ways that abusers will cut their victims off from their networks is to claim that the people who’re speaking out against them have ulterior motives. He could, for example, tell her that of course you’re talking s--t about him; you’ve always been jealous of him and you try to sabotage his relationships because you’re a hater. Or he could come up with some other reason why you would try to sabotage their relationship.

(This, incidentally, is another reason why it’s good to encourage her to reach out to friends and relatives besides you. Even if he successfully makes her think that you’re just doing this because you want to get into her pants, it’s harder to pull that same move on her entire social circle. Not impossible, but harder).

It could also just cause him to change his behavior in public, while being just as awful to her in private.

Incidentally: you may want to contact the Hotline yourself. They have resources for friends and family members of people who are in abusive relationships, and having someone who can guide you through best practices may be helpful for you as well. After all, this is your brother you’re talking about. That level of complication can make things feel more daunting. Having people who are specifically trained to help and can point you towards resources you may need will be invaluable for you as well. Plus, dealing with this situation and navigating the thorny issue of his being your brother can take its toll on you. You need to take care of yourself too; it doesn’t do his girlfriend any good if you burn yourself out in the process.

I realize all of this is frustrating, TW. But I want you to know: you’re being a good friend to your brother’s girlfriend. She needs someone like you on her side. Give her the help and support she needs and hopefully you and her support network can help her realize this is a s--tty situation and it’s time for her to leave.

Write back to let us know how things are going.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: The previous year I wrote you a message here regarding “How to get over someone”. It was about a girl that I thought she was perfect for me but the timing was wrong. She said that even if she liked me very much, she was about to find a job in another country and she was still getting over a long term relationship, so she was not right for me at that time. I was devastated at first, but I followed all your advice. I took the nuclear option, I maintained a good relationship with our common friends, I had many new experiences, I even dated again and at some point after 4-5 months her memory started to fade. I felt tremendously good, because after a long time I could say for sure that I got over her! Your advice back then, clearly helped me to heal, learn and grow.

Then suddenly after 9 months, I met her by chance in a local event. We had a casual conversation and we started hanging out with our common friends once a month, including some Zoom sessions during the lockdown. Although I still liked her, my position was different because (a) I didn’t need her since I strongly believed (and I still do) that I can lead a very enjoyable life without her and (b) the reason she ended things was still hanging there. She didn’t move to another country yet but she was planning to. So, I maintained a very tiny contact but at the same time I was honestly thinking about how I can meet a new girl.

Before a few months, one common friend told me, that this girl decided to not leave our country, and that, surprise surprise, she found a job in my town! Then it occurred to me that the reasons she gave me for breaking up have vanished. And the question came to my mind “Since I clearly got over her back then, there was no drama between us and the reasons she gave me for ending things are not here anymore, should I try and get back with her?”

The fact that she was the one who dumped me back then holds me back. Truth to be told, the interaction between us is still a little awkward when we hang out with other friends. I can sense a cold space still existing between us. I just know that when she comes in my town in few months, since we have many common friends, we will be hanging out much more often. We never text each other, but I thought that I could give it a chance by starting one or two conversations with her and observe whether a connection is slowly evolving or not. I am just afraid to take things too slowly so as to not give the impression that I am just a friend. How should one proceed in that case?

On the other hand I could just let this go and focus on finding someone else, but the fact that I had a great time with her back then makes me think if it would be a good idea to give it a chance. The only thing that holds me back is fear and uncertainty.

Only one thing is sure. I don’t need her and I honestly think that I can happily live without her … or with her and her boyfriend if she has one! I can definitely find someone new who would be nice for me, but given the situation should I give it a chance and if yes then how?

Thank you very much

To Be or Not to Be

DEAR TO BE OR NOT TO BE: My rule of thumb is that your ex is your ex for a reason, TBNTB, and that trying to go back is frequently a bad decision. Most of the time when I hear from people who want to get back with their ex, it’s so soon after the break-up that there really hasn’t been any time for things to have changed. You need both time and distance to get perspective on the relationship, time to grow and change and — importantly — to move forward with your life. The people who are most interested in trying to get back with their ex have a tendency to try to speed-run the process and, frankly, that doesn’t work. There is no short-cut to the process; you can’t get over someone in double-time or become a different person like you’re doing a training montage in Dragon Ball Z. You have to take it at the same pace as everyone else and not let the desire for it to be done already to color your perspective.

Nine months ain’t that much time. And, frankly, some of what you’re describing sounds a lot like what’s known as motivated reasoning: you’re so hoping for a specific outcome that you’re justifying your reasoning based on what you want, rather than the facts on the ground.

I mean, for someone who got over her, you jumped right back to “well, maybe we can get together again” after having only seen her less than a handful of times. There hasn’t been any sort of transition period of getting to know each other as you are now, no real time to get reacquainted, see if you can make a platonic friendship work. As soon as you found out that she wasn’t moving after all, your immediate impulse was to try to start things up again.

Now I get the impulse. I have been there and done that more times than I care to think about. I’ve played the “I got over you first” game before. Hell, there’ve been times where I was absolutely convinced that I was over them. But I was wrong; there hadn’t been enough time, I hadn’t gotten enough distance and I sure as hell didn’t actually have enough perspective to see things differently. I had decided I was over her because I wanted to believe I was.

That lasted… oh, about three weeks before I was trying to get back with her. Which worked about as well as you might expect.

So right from the jump: no, I don’t think this is a good idea. I don’t think you’re nearly as over her as you think you are, and trying to get back together with her is going to just end in tears.

But on top of everything else, there doesn’t seem to be any indication that she wants to get back with you. Having had a good time talking with her isn’t a sign that it’s a good time to try to pursue things with her again. That’s a sign that things were cordial and friendly. She may not be leaving the country any more, but the fact that she hasn’t made any serious attempt to reach out or get back in touch with you is a pretty good indicator that she’s not looking to rekindle things. Now whether this means that her plans to leave provided her a convenient excuse for a break-up she wanted anyway or her feelings have changed over the intervening months is ultimately irrelevant; what matters is that there haven’t been any signs of interest from her. In fact, you mention that you never text and you still feel “a cold space” from her side. All of that seems like a more reliable indicator that no, she’s not thinking that maybe she made a mistake and wants to try again.

As a general rule, TBNTB: when folks want to be with you, there’s very rarely any need to guess. People who are interested and want to date you tend to be pretty clear that yes, that’s what they want. Especially when the two of you have dated briefly before. You’re not getting any of that from her. Hell, it doesn’t sound like you’re getting any sort of attention from her that you could interpret as potential interest if you squint hard enough.

I don’t think you’re as over her as you think, and I really don’t think trying to get back with her is a good idea. I think your best move is to be polite and friendly when you see her at group hang-outs, but to let go of the idea of getting back together. You need to be moving forward… and you can’t do that while you’re constantly looking back at something that never even got off the ground in the first place.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’m a recently turned 30 cis woman. I am also a recovering alcoholic who worked at the rehab that helped me. Recently I relapsed, due to several factors, but the big one was helping a fellow person with substance abuse.

This man went to the same place shortly before I did, and was one of two people I trusted to get in a car with. I drove him to detox in May, and before the end of June he had relapsed. I had done nothing sexual with him (even though I wanted to) for over 3 years, but I have loved him for nearly that long. I never met anyone I connected with more, and I was the only person he could talk to about his drinking, nerdiness, and trauma as his use drove everyone away but me. He would go months without replying, but I always sent him “I hope you are doing well” text at the beginning and end of each month.

After he relapsed, I had a bunch of hits in life and relapsed on the 4th of July with him, even though he didn’t know I was drinking. We had sex, fun, and nerded out. Best I had felt in years. However, when I was honest and told him and tried talking, he acted like I had corrupted myself and treated me with disgust and hurt. I tried to apologise and talk to him, not very often,  just once every two weeks like I had before. He finally responded and he asked I call him. I did and got too emotional by crying and shedding “crocodile tears”.

He informed me that I was now blocked. I can take rejection, but he is going to kill himself drinking. He is at least 20 pounds underweight and has had multiple seizures when trying to quit. I am the only one who knows how bad he is. I blame myself for not being more patient and just waiting again.

Do I have a duty to tell anyone about how bad he is, or should I just cut him out like he has me? I don’t want him to die or worse. Do you have any advice?

Regrets, I Have A Few

DEAR REGRETS, I HAVE A FEW: So if I’m understanding things correctly, RIHF: you’ve known him for more than 3 years, had unrequited feelings for him for pretty much that entire time, and most of that time was while you both were in rehab. You were one of the few people he could talk with because his trauma and addiction issues pushed people away, but even then, he wasn’t terribly responsive when you would text him.

He relapsed in June, and then on July 4th, unbeknownst to him, you relapsed too. Then, while you were still in the middle of your relapse, you and he finally hooked up. Then he found out you’d been drinking again — especially while you two were involved sexually — and this freaked him out. Since then, he’s blocked you, apparently in no small part because of how you reacted when you called him.

Now you’re wondering how to reach out to others about him.

So, assuming I’ve got all this right… well, I’m gonna be honest with you RIHF: I understand why he blocked you. Recovering from addiction issues can be incredibly difficult; it’s a process that can often take months under the best of circumstances, and requires a careful plan to stay sober afterwards. Your friend had already relapsed shortly before you two hooked up, which is, in and of itself, a tricky area. There’re a number of reasons why many addiction therapy programs suggest that people in recovery shouldn’t be in romantic relationships for the first year: recovery and staying sober should be their number one priority. The early stages of a relationship can be exciting, even overwhelming, and it’s very easy to get lost in the thrill of the new relationship energy. It’s very tempting to devote more and more of your energy and attention to spending time with your partner instead of caring for yourself. That in and of itself can impede their recovery and make it that much harder to stay sober.

Moreover, relationships with someone who’s also in recovery have the potential to be problematic; after all, if one partner relapses, it increases the likelihood of the other partner relapsing as well. Trying to stay sober when your partner is relapsing becomes an even greater challenge, especially if one partner’s addiction has triggers associated with relationships or stress.

So, the fact that a) you hooked up with him so soon after he relapsed and b) you had just relapsed yourself are all pretty damn good reasons for him to not just call it quits with you but to get some very much-needed distance. But the fact that you were being performatively remorseful — those “crocodile tears” you mentioned — is another very good reason for him to decide to block you. The former are a matter of bad judgement. The latter, however, marks a point where you were being manipulative with him. That’s not the sort of behavior that says “I’m sorry, I realize what I did wrong and I’m sorry I hurt you.” That’s behavior that says “I’m going to try to make you feel sorry for me so you forgive me or take me back.”

Fortunately for him, it seems like he’s recognized that and he drew a very firm boundary: you were bad for his recovery, you were being manipulative and he didn’t want you in his life. It hurts, I get that, but that’s his call and it’s one I can understand.

But those crocodile tears are also part of why I have to side-eye your concern for him and your desire to reach out to others about him. On the surface, it’s a noble and understandable desire: you care for him, you’ve seen him struggle and you don’t want him to be hurt while he’s going through recovery. But your attempts at manipulating him make it hard to take your concern at face value; it’s very easy to dress up a desire to reconnect with him as concern for his safety. Reaching out to others because one is “worried” is a fairly common way of weaseling one’s way into the life of someone who’s cut them out. To be perfectly blunt: this sounds an awful lot like wanting to get around the fact that he blocked you.

However, let’s say that you’re sincere and that your only desire is to see to his well-being. On a strictly practical level… who are you going to reach out to? You mentioned that he’s driven other people away; if he’s isolated himself again, then there aren’t folks you to reach out to in the first place. If he’s in treatment or in a recovery program somewhere, I also can’t imagine that they’re going to be terribly receptive to someone getting in touch to talk about his status or his health. I’m not exactly sure how you’d be in a position to help him, even if your motives are as pure as the driven snow.

And then there’s the fact that, frankly, he’s made it clear that he doesn’t want you in his life and feels that your involvement is bad for him. The important codicil to step 9 in the twelve steps is that making amends to someone shouldn’t be done if it would cause more harm. The last thing you want is to make things worse for him, even if your only goal is to try to help.

It would be one thing if you saw that he was about to be hit by a speeding car and you were the only person close enough to pull him out of the way. But your concern is about the possibility of harm, the fear of what might happen. While the odds may or may not be in his favor, they’re also not guaranteed.

As much as it sucks, you don’t really have a play here, and I don’t think it would be wise to do anything even if you did. As of this writing, you’re barely over a month out of your own relapse. There’s a reason why people are taught to make sure their own mask is secure before helping others with theirs. Your priority needs to be your own recovery, not trying to help other people with theirs… especially people who have made it clear that they don’t want anything to do with you.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com