DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I want to preface this by saying that, throughout the entirety of my childhood, my mother mentally abused me (even before she and my father divorced). She’d tear up my things purely because I liked them or my father’s side of the family got them for me, she’d belittle me, she’d leave me with family members (12 years old and coming home to Dad reeking of cigarette smoke so badly the dogs fled isn’t fun), and there was a time when she left 14 year old me alone in an apartment complex until 3 am. (I don’t know when she actually came home, I just know 3 AM is when I finally broke down and called my father and he came and picked me up) It was so bad to the point that even now, after 10 years of having never seen her once, I still have moments and fits where I hate everything, or I hate myself, or I feel depressed and anxious and feel like I’m bothering and offending everyone around me.

I bring that up because… I’m wondering if that’s a factor in what’s happened to me here.

Here’s the thing. I’m not sure if I actually ever want physical sex. When it comes to things like porn or roleplaying (through text, I mean), I’m about as horny and kinky of a girl as you can find. But that’s what’s bothering me some; I only ever feel that way about characters. When it comes to me (as some people have tried to cyber rather than roleplay), even just thinking about it, I really think that physical sex isn’t something I’d ever want to have. Hell, I don’t even watch REAL porn, just drawn or animated or 3D stuff; I hate seeing real people naked, too, because it just makes me feel weirdly uncomfortable and I don’t get any actual pleasure out of it.

I’ve tried to masturbate before and I’ve never really gotten any satisfaction out of it at all, either. And considering how I react even just getting, say, water from a dog dish splashed on me, I think that all the sweat and other fluids would just make me incredibly uncomfortable and generally not enjoy it.

I’m not really worried about how this would affect relationships, at least not right now; I have a boyfriend who I explained all of this to, very clearly, alongside the fact that I simply do not ever intend to have sex before marriage (it’s my belief for my body, that is; I don’t care if other people want to). His only request was that I at least try it once with him if we were married, which I agreed to, since I think it’s fair and I would like to at least attempt it to be sure (plus I know I can trust him to stop if it comes to that), but he said he completely understood the rest and was more than willing to accept it if I wasn’t interested in sex. And, if it turns out that sex is important to him and he needs it and I can’t provide it, I’d be a little jealous (who wouldn’t?) but perfectly fine with him going to other people for those needs.

I guess my question is… is this really okay? Is the fact that I have no interest in physical sex something that’s just a part of the individual I am? Or is there something that’s still wrong with me, still f--ked up in my head, that I need to get treatment for? You seem to really understand a lot, so I was hoping you could shed a little light anyway.

Confused Collie

DEAR CONFUSED COLLIE: So I want to start off by saying that I’m sorry that you were abused, Confused Collie – but it sounds to me like you’re pretty damn strong to have come through it all as well as you have. But as much as that abuse may have hurt, I’m not entirely sure that this is the cause of the issues you may be having. It sounds like there are a couple of different issues that are all coming together in one perfect storm of confusion and frustration. It’s going to be hard for me to give you a solid “this is what’s wrong” because a) human sexuality is a complex beast and it’s pretty damned hard to diagnose someone over an email and b) Doctor NerdLove is not a real doctor.

So while I can give you my thoughts, a lot of this are things that you should talk about with a trained, sex-positive therapist, especially somebody who specializes in sexual trauma and abuse.

Human sexuality tends to fall on a series of spectrums. There’s the famous Kinsey scale of sexuality, with exclusive heterosexuality on one side, exclusive homosexuality on the other and the wide range of options in between. At the same time, there’s a spectrum of sexual desire, with being hornier than a six-d

ked goat on one side and completely asexual on the other. The wide and wonderful variety of the human sexual experience means that people fall all over the place on these spectrums.

Part of what makes human sexuality interesting is how fluid it is and how it’s affected by so many different parts of the human condition. Sexual desire and arousal patterns can be affected by physical issues such as hormonal imbalances, genetic predispositions, or from mental issues such as anxiety, self-esteem or basic belief systems. And when you realize that much of what we consider a “normal” sexuality is based off of somewhat arbitrary and culturally influenced standards…

All of this is a long-winded way of saying “The human relationship to our junk is f--king complex”. And that means that it’s frequently difficult to narrow down the cause of a problem… if there’s even a problem there at all.

So let’s start with the physical: you say that you masturbate but it doesn’t really satisfy you. You don’t say whether this means you’re unable to achieve orgasm, or whether the orgasms you do have aren’t satisfying. This isn’t actually all that uncommon; upwards of 10% of women haven’t had an orgasm, ever, either by themselves or with a partner. Sometimes it’s a medical issue – insufficient blood-flow to the genitals, for example, or a side-effect from commonly prescribed antidepressants. Other times it’s mental – the person may have a hang-up that means they can’t allow themselves to feel pleasure or they feel overwhelming amounts of guilt or shame. Still other times it’s simply how they’re wired – they may need incredibly intense amounts of direct clitoral stimulation that’s virtually impossible to get without mechanical assistance. Seeing an OB-GYN can help you figure out if there’s a physical issue that can be corrected.

But before I say “go off and see a real doctor”, let me ask a serious question: is this an actual problem for you?

You see, the rest of what you say makes me wonder if you might be asexual. Many people simply have very low or even nonexistent sex drives; sex just doesn’t interest them. Sometimes it’s a physical thing – they don’t get aroused. Sometimes it’s a mental thing – they don’t find sex exciting or even see it as being disgusting. Sometimes it’s both. People who are asexual may become aroused but have no interest in partnered sex. They may not become aroused at all. They may masturbate for reasons besides pleasure (helping you fall asleep, general prostate health, etc.). The fact that you don’t like the reality of sex – with the physical contact, the bodily fluids, the exertion and so forth – but find it arousing when it’s highly fictionalized falls well within the spectrum of asexuality. I think it may well be worth your while to check out the Asexuality Visibility and Education Network website at asexuality.org – it may well help you become more comfortable with your situation.

Now, could all of this be because you were emotionally abused by your mother as a child? It certainly seems like a strong possibility in my still-not-a-doctor’s opinion. Like I said: human sexuality is incredibly complex and is directly affected by cultural and emotional issues. So yes, it’s entirely possible that you’re internalizing some self-loathing brought on by your mother’s abuse – you say yourself that you have prolonged bouts of low self-esteem and feeling worthless. It’s not unthinkable that you’re better able to relate sexually to fictional characters because you don’t believe that you yourself are “worthy” of love or desire or sexual fulfillment. But abuse doesn’t necessarily automatically lead to sexual dysfunction (which I fully realize is a loaded term), no matter what Freud may have said.

For what it’s worth, I do think it’d be a good idea to talk to a therapist to help you with those feelings of self-loathing and anxiety that still plague you. But I don’t think it’s an absolute necessity to see a doctor to address your views about sex. Here’s my big question: how do YOU feel about your lack of interest in physical sex? Is it something that you’re concerned about – you want to have sex, but are bothered by how much it disgusts you? Or is it more of a case that you feel like you should want it, but you don’t?

If it’s the former, then yes, it may be worth talking to someone. You may not suddenly become a sexual dynamo by unpacking your feelings about sex, but it could help you become more comfortable with yourself. If it’s the latter… well, then it’s not actually a problem, it’s just part of what makes you, you.

And honestly? I think you’re handling it well, especially within your relationship. It sounds like your boyfriend is patient and understanding and that the two of you have clearly communicated your feelings with one another and have found a working compromise. That’s a huge part of what makes a relationship work.

I would suggest going to a doctor for a medical screening just to make sure that everything’s ok – some forms of sexual dysfunction and a lack of libido or arousal are signs of medical issues – but if you’re comfortable with how you feel about sex then go ahead and embrace it. It’s part of who you are, something that makes you another unique part of the vast wonderland that is the human sexual experience.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: As of the beginning of last month I’ve been reading your website and finding myself amazed at the knowledge of dating that had remained in the dark to me until now. I understand that the concept of, “me,” is a fluid concept that is ever changing due to my true efforts and wants, and from that I understand that in order to be who I want to be, I’m going to have to perform a personal overhaul.

The part that gets me is where to start. Actually…let me rephrase that, where is the best to start? Should I start with improving myself physically: begin using quality deodorant, skin care products, bath supplies, and begin a healthy lifestyle, mentally: mastering the abundance mentality, warding off my negativity, building my confidence, and mentally preparing myself for rejection, or socially: mastering the art of conversation, learning how to tell stories, relate my geeky interests, how and when to approach women, and so on. Or should I start with fashion?

Now I’m not saying I’ll go full out one aspect while ignoring the others, I’m just looking for some guidance.

- Young Man at the Crossroads

DEAR YOUNG MAN AT THE CROSSROADS: So I’m going to be honest here: every time someone refers to themselves as coming to me at a crossroads, I immediately picture myself as Mark Sheppard.This has absolutely nothing to do with your question and everything to do with how my mind works.

Anyway.

The thing to keep in mind is that dating success is a hollistic process. The problems you have in your dating life are inevitably problems you have in your everyday life. You want to improve yourself as a person overall, rather than focusing like a laser on specific aspects. But performing a full-life overhaul is rather like building a house. Whether you’re performing a back-to-the-studs remodel or scraping the whole thing and starting over, you need a good foundation before you can start making it pretty.  If you don’t, the whole thing comes crashing down around your ears.

Like I always say: dating success is 80% attitude, 20% skill. That attitude is what gives you the strong foundation to build upon. So when it comes to a life overhaul, you want to work from the inside out.

Now I go into much greater detail about this in my book “New Game Plus: The Geeks Guide To Love, Sex and Dating”, but the way I recommend you go about fixing things is to start by working on your confidence, developing an abundance mentality and dealing with issues around negativity before you work on issues of skill such as how to approach women. My suggested order is mental issues (attitude, abundance, entitlement, etc) > external issues (lifestyle, fashion, etc) > skills. The thing that’s great about this approach is that each subsequent step helps bolster the previous ones. Learning how to dress better, makes you feel more attractive, which in turn helps boost your confidence, which means more people will notice you which in turn helps cement that abundance mentality.

It’s tempting to leap straight to the skills – after all, it’s only natural to want to get better with women as quickly as humanly possible – but if you don’t have that strong foundation to being with, you end up propping up a false facade. Women aren’t stupid; they’ll see through that fake front quickly, and you’ll be left worse of than you were before. This is actually one of the issues I have with a lot of discussion about meeting women and dating that you can find online. The focus on magic bullets and “this powerful technique that will make women putty in your hands” takes away attention from growing and changing as a person. Focusing on techniques at the expense of everything else just makes you manipulative and shallow, trying to borrow somebody else’s life instead of improving your own. It’s a great recipe for an impending mental meltdown.

This doesn’t mean that you do it in a strict step by step order; you’re not prohibited from getting better clothes or working on your hygiene as you’re trying to cultivate your internal validation. But you do want to put the lion’s share of attention on internal matters rather than the external. The more solid a base that you have, the better off you will do.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’ve been reading several of your advice pages and have found them incredibly helpful, so much thanks for that!

I have a few questions relating to texting in the early stages of meeting a girl: If she doesn’t reply with any questions after I have asked a few is this a polite way of saying ‘no’? Also, how many texts is generally acceptable to send without a reply & when would be an optimum time to ask to meet in person again? Say even if she hasn’t replied to a previous text?

Also, if there’s one piece of advice I could give you, it’s play Dark Forces again. That game is drenched in quality.

Confounded Communicator

DEAR CONFOUNDED COMMUNICATOR: Hate to say it CC, but no response is a response. This is what’s known as a “soft” no, a way of refusing without actually saying the words. A direct and unambiguous refusal is often seen as being overly harsh and rude so many people will use a “soft” no as a way to turn someone down. These may include being “busy” or having plans that they can’t otherwise shake, deliberately pretending to not understand the question or simply not responding at all.

While the specifics will vary depending on the personalities and writing styles of everyone involved, the basic rule of thumb is “one unanswered text per day”; if you text her something and she doesn’t respond, then you get one more attempt. If she still doesn’t respond, then you’re done for the day. Blowing up her phone with text after text after text when she isn’t responding to you is not going to make her any more likely to write back. Quite the opposite in fact; when you respond to radio silence with a barrage of texts, all you’re doing is signaling that you’re desperate and needy – very unattractive traits in anyone. It means that she’s even less likely to respond than she was before.

It often helps to think of texting (or phone calls, or instant messaging) as playing tennis or volleyball. You’re volleying the conversation back and forth: you serve, she volleys back, you bounce it back to her, etc. If you serve or volley it to her and get nothing back, then you get to try once more. If you’re still not getting your serve sent back to you, then it’s pretty clear she’s left the court or has stopped paying attention to the game.At that point, the ball’s in her court; if she wants to serve one back, she can. Otherwise, it’s best to move on and play with someone else. Throwing even more balls at her is only going to annoy her at best.

And remember: one unreturned text is could be anything. Two unreturned texts is worrying. Three unreturned texts is enemy act… er, is her sending you a message. And that message is “I’m not interested”.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE:

With another polarizing election behind us, it is pretty obvious that the political divide isn’t going to mend anytime soon. We all see it on dating apps when women write “don’t bother if you voted for [insert candidate here].” But my question isn’t about the view differences between myself and a potential lover… it’s about the view differences between her and the rest of my family.

A majority of my family (plus extended family) don’t exactly share the views I have when it comes to politics. Despite this and plenty of heated debates, we still manage to have a great relationship. However, when it comes to dating I’m concerned about being guilty by association.

I have sabotaged several communications with women who really liked me only because of the worry that I’d be pitting their political & social views against my family’s…. and eventually ruining both relationships. It’s a fear that has held me back so much that I even had to speak to a therapist about it. Am I overthinking this? How can my love life and family life live in harmony? I wouldn’t want to put her in an uncomfortable setting and can only dream of both parties really loving each other.

Thanks in advance!

Two Party System

DEAR TWO PARTY SYSTEM: Seeing as we’ve just come out of a historic election followed an equally historic attempted insurrection as Trump’s fanbase tried to take senators hostage and murder the House Majority leader AND Mike Pence in the span of three months… I think “political divide” is putting it a little too goddamn mildly.

But let’s leave that aside for a second.

What you’re doing, TPS, is what’s known as “borrowing trouble from the future”. You’ve taken this vague worry — that you and your future partner’s politics will conflict with your family’s and this will destroy your entire relationship — and turned it into prophecy. Either they won’t believe that you don’t have the same politics as them — that whole guilt by association thing — or that this potential future fight will be so horrific and all-consuming that you will lose both your family and your future partner.

Except… you don’t actually have any experience of this happening at all. You’ve got a lot of speculation, a lot of imagination and pretty much no actual experience with it in real life. And while I’m sure you can find any number of random anecdotes or Am I The A

hole posts on Reddit that may seem to back this fear up, those don’t actually count. Even leaving aside the ones that are pure creative writing exercises: the people involved aren’t your family, nor are they any future girlfriend. There’re reasons why the plural of “anecdote” isn’t “data”, after all.

But let’s look at the actual facts here. You and your family, despite having wildly different political views, have managed to keep your relationship strong. Like a lot of folks in mixed religious/atheist households, vegetarian/carnivore households or other diametrically opposed issues, you’re able to make things work, even your different stances make everyone want to grind their teeth into powder and smack the other up with a Howard Zinn omnibus. Assuming that you and/or your family aren’t, say, QAnons or COVID deniers, think that there were “very good people on both sides” at the Unite The Right event in Charlottesville or think that the attempted insurrection is an Antifa false-flag operation, it is theoretically possible to at least have a “we’re going to draw a line and we do not cross this line no matter how heated things get” sort of set up. That can go a long way to keeping a family as a family… even if you’re back to the “dual-wielding Disobedience and Democracy, roll for initiative” stage over dinner.

And I’d point out: there are lots of folks who date and marry people whose families are gold-plated s--theads. Sometimes everyone is able to come together or even help bring people around. Sometimes it ends with the couple deciding that they’re not going to spend time with the fam until said fam gets their act together.

But that’s all theoretical, not actual. One of the bigger things to realize is that this, presumably isn’t going to just be you throwing your new girlfriend into the deep end with no warning. Ignoring how long it may or may not take you to get to the “meet the family” stage, I can’t imagine that you wouldn’t be giving your theoretical future girlfriend a heads up that you’re the political black sheep of the family. Giving your squeeze the basic rundown of the family dynamic is — or should be — standard issue before bringing her to your cousin’s wedding/nephew’s bat mitzvah/little brother’s birthday. That gives you time to work out how you’re going to handle any thorny topics that need to be avoided or handled with care — political or otherwise.

And, I would hope it goes without saying, that I hope neither your family or anyone you date is the sort who goes out of their way to pick fights with folks over politics; that’s a headache of a different color entirely.

TL;DR: stop writing your break-up story before you’ve even had your first date. Focus on finding someone awesome that you click with, build a relationship to the point of actually introducing her to the folks, then figure out how to navigate family functions. And hey: it’s much easier to weather the slings and arrows of family political arguments when the two of you can present a united front and give each other the backup you need.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com