DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I need an honest opinion from you on something that I feel shame and guilt, after I give some more details: am I fetishizing women?

I seem to be only attracted to very curvy women with wide hips, thick legs, “pawgs,” “bbws,” etc. I’ve dated a variety of body types throughout my twenties (30 now), and only really feel a strong sexual connection and satisfaction with women who fit those body characteristics. I also notice a pattern in that it’s mostly white women and some latina and Brazilian women, but I don’t feel sexual attraction to asian or black women. So, am I also racist? I really hope not, because I find all different types of women “beautiful” and “gorgeous,” and appreciate diversity, but I just don’t feel sexual desire for most. If it turns out I do have internalized prejudice, how do I go about reversing that outside of therapy? (Can’t afford it at the moment, and not sure how to bring the subject up with a professional)

Anyways, I’m quite cognizant about who I want to date, and I really want to get to know a person before I engage sexually with them, so I don’t have any interest in cruising, hooking up, or “trying to get laid.” I think I’m looking at the bigger picture when it comes to dating and sex, but can’t help shake off the feeling that even if I care about a wider variety of traits other than the physical, I’m still “objectifying” women because of their bodies. I honestly wish I could be attracted to thin and average sized women, because that would open up my possibilities, but it just doesn’t happen.

Not really sure how to end my message but I appreciate your writings and will be grateful if you find the time to offer your insights. Thanks!

Female Body Introspector

DEAR FEMALE BODY INTROSPECTOR: This is an interesting question that’s going to touch on a lot of issues that’s hard to distill into a single advice column, FBI. I’m gonna try to simplify things as best as I can, but keep in mind: this is a topic that involves a LOT of history, context and nuance.

There’s a lot of discussion around what it means to have a preference or a type, and when (and how) that crosses the line into objectification or fetishization, FBI. And while it can feel like folks who’re just Too Woke To Function sticking their noses into people’s love-lives and policing who people are attracted to… it really is a topic that’s worth examining. Especially when it comes to your own interests and types.

Part of the issue at hand is the fact that “beauty” is a cultural creation. None of us exist in a vacuum; we all are the sum of the culture we grow up in — often with influences we’ve been exposed to for so long that we’re not consciously aware of them. While there are some traits that are relatively commonly spread amongst cultures — mostly facial and body symmetry — what we find attractive or unattractive is shaped by cultural norms, expectations and messaging. We are bombarded on a daily basis with images that define what “beauty” or “attractive” is to us; it’s something that’s quite literally marketed to us by advertisers and pop culture. Think of the narratives of so many movies, TV shows and even advertisements about someone who’s “not attractive” having some sort of glow-up; what are the differences between the “before” and “after” stages? For that matter, think of who gets marketed to us as “hot”, such as on shows that are explicit about their purpose like, say, Too Hot To Handle. There are certain traits that we are told, over and over again, are what make someone “hot”.

And one of the things that informs this is, in fact, racism and white supremacy. It’s significant just how many body types and facial features that we’re told are attractive are centered around Northern European phenotypes — the size and shape of noses and lips, the size of eyes, prominence of cheekbones, height, waist-to-hip ratio, and so on. Generations of Black men and women have been told that darker skin, wider noses and natural hair are less desirable, including dress codes that forbid Black women from wearing their hair in dreads, bantu knots or natural hair. Similarly, consider the ways that Southeast Asian men are portrayed as being less-masculine or entirely sexless — something that has much of its origins in the racism and prejudice against Chinese immigrants in the 19th century. Similarly, there were the ways that women of various ethnicities have been portrayed for decades and even centuries — the “submissive” Asian woman, the “fiery” Latina, and so on.

Body types are part and parcel of this, with certain figures being more associated with different ethnicities. Think of the phrase you use in your letter, “PAWG”. This stands for “phat ass white girl”. While this is focusing on someone’s physique — someone with a larger butt — the body type it refers to is inherently associated with non-white women, particularly Black and Latina women… hence why “white” is part of the phrase. It marks her out as being different from other white women.

By that same token is the question of objectification and fetishization. This is a topic that a lot of folks don’t fully grasp, or misunderstand. Objectification doesn’t mean “appreciating someone’s good looks” or thinking that somebody is physically attractive. There’s nothing wrong with being attracted to somebody’s body. Objectification is when you erase their personhood and focus entirely on their body; their body — and your interest in it — becomes the sole defining quality. Often it means reducing someone to a particular shape or body-part; breasts, buttocks, penis size and the like… doubly so when those are also associated with their race or ethnicity. When you look at porn featuring Black men, especially Black men in interracial scenes, the emphasis is on the fact that they’re Black and that the sex they’re having is somehow transgressive because of it. In a very real way, it dehumanizes them because it makes the entire point of the video about their skin color or the size of their penises, not about them as individuals.

Same with fetishization; handicapped and disabled people often deal with folks — called “devotees” who are attracted to them because of their disability, less so the person. This can become incredibly problematic because of how often the fetishization is about the power imbalance between the two — especially when the handicap limits their mobility or ability to function the way abled people do.

But having said all of this, these aren’t the only things that will cause us to have preferences or leanings towards particular body types, different hair colors, ethnicities and so on. Novelty and unfamiliarity can trigger interest because they’re new and different to us. Familiarity and exposure will likewise affect who we tend to date or be attracted to — the mere-exposure effect causes us to have preferences for things because they’re so familiar to us. The more common something is in your experience, the more likely you are to be comfortable with it and to prefer it… including body types and people. And of course there are shared backgrounds, shared culture, shared values and experiences — the more similarities somebody has, the more you tend to like them and be drawn to them.

And of course, people pick up preferences and interests all the time because we’ll conflate certain people or types with moments in our lives, especially with dawning awareness of sexuality. And then there are times people pick up fetishes or paraphilias and have no goddamn idea why — the development of paraphilias is still something that sexologists don’t fully understand.

Now the reason I bring all of this up isn’t to tell you that you’re wrong for your preferences or that you are somehow obligated to have as wide and diverse a dating history and sexual attraction as possible. I bring it up because it’s worth examining those interests preferences and just what it is about them that gets your motor running. Is it because your first crush was a curvy or heavy-set woman? Is there a particular emotional or sexual association you have for that,  that you don’t feel with thinner women? When it comes to the women you’re attracted to, what makes the difference for you? Is it something you associate with them culturally or socially, as opposed to the women individually? Is it just particular features that they have that others don’t? Or are there expectations you have about them based on their race or culture?

The point of this exercise isn’t to say “yes you’re racist/ no you’re not”; it’s so that you’re just a bit more mindful about who you’re into and why. Sometimes who we date is less about who we’re attracted to and who we allow ourselves to express attraction for. One of the issues that fat or BBW women face, as an example, are men who will pursue them because they think fat women have fewer options and will be “grateful” or put up with s--tty treatment because of it.  There’re also men who are attracted to fat women and will happily f--k them… but won’t date them openly, because of the cultural narrative that it’s shameful for men to f--k or date fat women. The same often applies to women of color as well — men who fetishize them for their bodies or ethnicities or perceived culture or personality type, but won’t date them or have meaningful relationships with them.

But again: having a preference for a particular body type isn’t the same as objectifying someone who has that body type. It’s just when the only thing they ARE is that body and the relationship it has with your sexual gratification that it becomes objectification.

The more you can unpack and understand who you’re into and why, the easier it is to recognize when it’s just “yup, I find sex with women with thicker thighs and wider hips more satisfying” versus something informed by race or cultural value. Similarly, it may be worth seeing if you can focus more on the individual than their race, especially if you realize that your interest or lack-thereof has a racial component. Sometimes it comes to giving yourself permission to try to get to know someone and give them a chance when you might have brushed them off without thinking. You may even surprise yourself by realizing that your interests are wider and more varied than you thought if given a chance.

Or you may just find out that this is just who you are and what you’re into. And that’s fine too.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’m in a bit of a horrible situation.

I have this female friend, which was (and I hope still is) my best and closest friend for the last six or seven years. We went to university together, we went to post-graduation together. We have the same tastes and like basically the same things. And we supported each other emotionally when the situation was bad for one or both of us. She, and now I see my error in doing this, she became the person I went to every time I had a romantic disappointment. My romantic and sexual life was virtually non-existent in those same six or seven years; I only dated one girl, and she was emphatic from the very first moment that she was interested only in casual sex (which we had, once; soon afterwards she entered in a relationship).

This friend of mine had, until recently, a rock-solid relationship, for eight or nine years. She and her boyfriend were only waiting for a better financial situation to get married and live together. But, in the last six months or so, she became unsatisfied, mainly because her boyfriend wasn´t making any real effort to achieve that financial security, and was abusing on alcohol and marijuana. Long history short, they ended the relationship some three weeks ago.

And then my personal hell began.

When she told me about the end of her relationship (and, as best friend, I was the one she contacted first), something, for lack of better word, awakened inside me. I discovered myself deeply attracted to her. I’m not using the L word here, because I’m not even sure that is the case. At first I decided to bury these feelings; but, as a couple of days passed, and I suffered more and more, I decided not to take this to the grave with me, and talked to her.

She was very nice, and assured me that she understand me, that she would not sever ties with me (my greatest fear, from past situations like that), but that we are only good friends.

That happened three weeks ago (she broke up on a Wednesday, and I talked to her on the same week, on the Friday). Since then, we talked little, and shared a few messages, only about our studies (we are trying to enter in the same master’s degree program).

Since then, I had very little peace of mind. I'm sleeping badly, lost my focus on the many things I have to do, and I'm feeling terrible anxious about the future of our friendship. I really, really like her as friend, and hurts me to know that probably, from now on, she will wall me out of part of her life. To make things worse, I'm almost certain that she is dating a work colleague. 

To you understand how close we are, her brother called me today at three in the morning, to ask me if I know where she was, because she doesn't got home yet (which is totally out of her normal). When I tried to call her, she don't answered, and minutes later send me a message, saying that is everything all right and that she was arriving at home. I texted back, asking where she had been, and she ignored me.

What I should do, Doc? In any other situation, I happily and gladly would be using the nuclear option. But, and I cannot emphasize that enough, she is my friend, and I accept that this situation is my fault, for I neglected my sentimental life for too long. I don't want to lose my friend.

Thanks,

– To Much Too Soon Too Fast

DEAR TOO MUCH TOO SOON TOO FAST: There are so many things to work through here.

First of all: DUDE. You have my sympathies because it sucks when someone you care for doesn’t care for you the same way… but you kinda went about it ass first. You spilled your guts when she had just gotten out of a nine year relationship and a person’s gotta heal, ya know? I mean look at it from her perspective: she’s just had an incredibly long-standing part of her life come to an end and she’s barely come to terms with the fact that the break up happened at ALL and you tell her that you’re suddenly in something with her. This is going to be a lot to handle emotionally because now not only does she have to deal with her break up but she’s trying to handle your emotions as gingerly as she can. That’s really not cool, yo.

Let’s be realistic here: even if she did have feelings for you… she literally just got out of a relationship. Unless she was jumping ship specifically to date you, she’s probably not going to want to date anyone right now.

Second: You say something suddenly ‘awoke’ in you. Maybe you’ve always had a little crush on her and you didn’t know it. Maybe it’s just that now that she’s available, she’s much more attractive to you. Maybe it’s transference because you feel like she’s the only girl in the world who understands you and could love you. Regardless, obsessing about her and losing your chance with her is only going to serve to push her away. You need to dial your s--t back. Yeah, it blows that she doesn’t like you the way you want her to but you’re going to have to accept it if you want to stay friends; losing sleep and focus means that you’re letting it gnaw away at you in ways that aren’t healthy.

You want to keep her as a friend? Then you need to calm down and give her some space.

Odds are she’s feeling weird and uncomfortable and more than a little annoyed at you right now because you picked the 2nd worst possible time to spring this on her and she doesn’t want to have to deal with the emotional tightrope of your mental health and feelings for her while she’s processing her own. If you don’t want her to wall you out of her life, then you need to act like a friend, not a guy trying to win her heart. I realize is the opposite of my usual advice for trying to avoid being “stuck in The Friend Zone” (there is no such thing as The Friend Zone), but:

A) she’s already told you she doesn’t feel the same way,

B) she’s still recovering from a break-up which is the worst time to try to jump from being friends to being lovers, and

C) she’s going to feel pressured by you, and that’s the last thing you want – no matter whether you’re hoping to stay friends or to be her lover.

Plus: you don’t want to make her think that you were only friends with her because you were waiting for your window of opportunity.

This means that you need to not get crazy and acting jealous. Things like asking her where she’s been? Just between you, me and all the strangers reading this… level with me here. Yeah, you were a concerned since her brother called you up but c’mon, how much of that was because you were afraid she was out f--king someone? Because I can guarantee you that’s exactly how SHE took it. You told her that her brother was worried about her – fine, mission accomplished. Asking her what she’d been up to: none of your damn business. That’s why she ignored you: she doesn’t need you freaking out at her right now. She needs a friend and from the sounds of things, you haven’t really been acting like one.

If you can’t dial your feelings back enough that you can give her the support and comfort she needs – because, as I said, she just got out of a relationship that was lasted nearly a third of her life – without making it about how you feel, then you need to spend some time away from her until you can. Do NOT announce this to her. Just take a step back and do your thing. You don’t need to cut all ties, just… let a little distance happen. You’ve been friends for nearly a decade; you can survive a little space.

Not every friendship is going to turn to love and especially not if she feels like the price of entry for your friendship is having to manage your feelings for you. If you want to maintain your friendship then you need to take a deep breath and let go.

What I recommend most right now is that you get busy. You’re trying to get into a Master’s program, which should be getting the lion’s share of your attention right now. Concentrate on your studies; when you can’t stop thinking about her, get up and get physical. Go for a run, jump rope, do something cardiovascular that will exhaust you. Drown your pain in the sensations of your body. It’ll make you feel better, sleep better and help you get in better shape, which will make you feel better about yourself. 

I also recommend throwing yourself back into the dating pool. You shouldn’t look for anything serious – after all, that’s unfair to your prospective girlfriend – just enough to remind yourself that there are other women out there and that there are many who are just as awesome as your friend… except they’re going to be open to dating you.

Spend a little time improving your life and you won’t be feeling crushed by her not loving you the way you’d prefer.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: So, I’ve been focusing on digging myself out of my inaction, depression, and general negativity.

I’m feeling better, happier, more hopeful. I had a great date the other day with a lovely, smart, dorky girl I met through OKCupid, and we had the most romantic and totally ad hoc time ever. Now that I’m in the aftermath of that, I’m worried naturally about screwing everything up.

I’m worried about texting too much. Worried about not texting enough. Worried that, since we are both only free on weekends, having to wait 5-6 days after a date will lead to things petering out too quickly for a relationship to take root. I recognize that so much of this really depends on her as fully half the equation, and fully anticipating her reactions is impossible, but I’d like some advice on how one ought to maintain optimal levels of mutual interest and anticipation for the next meeting. I’d add that I was pretty energetic and dynamic for our date, funny and spontaneous, but I’m just quite worried that I won’t be able to keep it up. Thus, more articles and advice on post-first date and longer term maintenance would be great!

– 2nd Date Nerves

DEAR SECOND DATE NERVES: Dude. DUDE. Chill.

This is my big advice for you.  Calm the holy f--k down. You had an awesome date, which is terrific! But you’re clearly so tense with nervous energy that you’re one espresso away from vibrating through space and time and I really rather like parts of this timeline so I’d appreciate your not Barry-Allen-ing it into non-existence.

(Though hey, if there’s some way of undoing 2020 without making it manifestly worse, I wouldn’t say no…)

Take a breath, do some yoga and calm the hell down, because you’re going to give yourself an aneurysm long before you can potentially screw things up.

No that doesn’t mean you’re going to screw things up, work with me here.

Calm? OK. Here’s what you do.

First: Quit treating this like it’s a life or death matter. Believe me I understand the way things feel: you’ve had an awesome date with an incredible woman and you haven’t had much success romantically so everything in your body is alternately screaming “DON’T F--K THIS UP OR YOU’LL BE ALONE FOREVER” and “LOCK THIS DOWN BEFORE SHE WISES UP NOW NOWNOWNOWNOWNOWNOW!” and that’s going to screw you over if you don’t get control of it. You’re working on a scarcity mindset right now and that’s going to color how you interact with her.  You’re feeling like she’s the only woman in the world who will ever be this awesome and that’s making you feel like you’re constantly walking on eggshells.

Paradoxically, this attitude – the constant worry and fear that you’re about to screw things up – is going to cause most of your problems. You’re going to be expending so much mental energy trying to gauge how you’re doing with her by going over everything she says like it was the Zapruder film that you’re going to miss the forest for the trees. You’re going to worry that you’ve texted too much or that you’ve said something wrong and you’re going to end up living out that scene from Swingers where John Favreau calls that girl a dozen times and you’re not going to be able to sleep until you get another text from her to reassure yourself that you HAVEN’T f--ked up. You’re going to be radiating neediness like a radioactive chihuahua with separation anxiety and a cocaine habit.

On the other hand, if you accept that there are thousands upon thousands of awesome women out there and that she is just one of many who will dig you… you’re going to have an easier time. You’ll be able to enjoy talking to her and be your best self instead of trying to curate every single thing you do or say. You’ll be able to accept “yes” for an answer because you’ll be able to relax and appreciate that yeah, she digs you too. 

Start by realizing that she is not the last woman on Earth and every single interaction with her isn’t potentially the last time you’ll ever feel this way again and you’ll start to relax.

Second: 99.99% of the world is only free to date on weekends. Somehow they manage to make it work. Don’t feel like you need a date every two days to keep the emotional momentum going.

Third: The way you keep things going is to simply keep the conversation going. You don’t want to bowl her over with texts or WhatsApp messages, but you can send a (A. SINGULAR.) text about something related to the things you talked about or did on your date. If the two of you were kicking off like you said, then the chemistry between the two of you will help keep the conversation going. You can also send a (again, SINGULAR) cute meme or adorable short video that made you think of her or that you thought she would like. In a worst case scenario, here’s a text you can send that I’ve had great success with in getting the conversational ball rolling: “You just popped into my head, so I wanted to say ‘Hey’. Oh, and stay out of my head.”

Just stick to the basic ratio: one text per reply per day. If she doesn’t reply immediately, it’s not the end of the world, despite the worst-case scenarios playing out in your head. It likely just means she’s busy and will get back to you later. Flooding her with texts trying to provoke a response will only seem needy and unattractive.

So just chill out and be the cool guy who she had such a great time with on your date and all will be well. And plan another date already.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’m a woman and I’ve recently started online dating and I wanted to know whether you think it’s okay for a woman to make the first move online. How do you think it comes across online, if I was to make the first contact? In my view, I think it’s a bit aggressive. What is your view and advice?

– Rules? What Rules?

DEAR RULES? WHAT RULES?: While there can be the occasional risk, in my opinion, it’s always ok for a woman to make the first move, online or off.

To start with: there will be plenty of people who will be relieved that you’re taking the pressure off them to approach.

Second, consider it like a way of screening out the insecure and overly old-fashioned. If folks are too intimidated or otherwise put off by the fact that you took the initiative instead of them and thus have totally upset the gender-role apple cart… well, it’s probably a safe bet you didn’t want to date them in the first place.

Now that having been said, one of the reasons why a lot of women DON’T make the first move is because some men take it badly. Either they assume it’s some sort of trick or trap, or they think that she is FAR more interested in them than is actually warranted; after all, she wouldn’t have made the first move, right?

Once again, that’s going to be your filter: those are going to be guys that have, by dint of their responses, self-selected right out of your dating pool.

The other thing I would suggest that you should keep in mind: men and women tend to use dating apps differently, especially dating apps with a swipe mechanic. Because social mores tend to follow us online, men tend to initiate more with women on apps, just as in physical space. That means that women tend to be deluged with matches and messages and are incentivized to be more selective with who they respond to.

However, that means that a large number of men will swipe right on EVERYONE in hopes of maximizing their chances of making matches and then decide who they’re into after they match. So you could well match with someone on Tinder or Bumble, only to find out that they weren’t looking for you after all. It’s a lousy dynamic that makes everyone miserable — and it downgrades their profiles in the algorithm — but it’s still a thing that happens and it’s worth being aware of.

Oh, and as a general rule: if they only respond with a “hey” or a single sentence? That’s a match that’s probably not going to go anywhere good.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com