DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I have a question about shy nerdy guys and sex. I’m married to one of these types of guys – we’ll call him Tom – so I hope you can offer some special insight in this issue. He’s wonderful, funny, sweet, intelligent guy. With the exception of sex, our relationship is perfect. I know – BIG exception. That’s why I’m writing.

I was Tom’s first lover, and he was mine. No one is good at sex when he or she is a virgin, of course. He’s helped me through some sexual issues I had, and has always been great about learning and doing what I ask. I’ve been happy knowing that it will keep getting better–and it has. However, along the way I’ve had trouble with him being easily offended and not very motivated to improve, and so we’ve come to a bit of a standstill.

I’ve been with Tom for over five years and have had an orgasm during sex exactly 3 times. He orgasms every time, which is the determining factor for when we’re “done”. He’s not overly concerned with the fact that I don’t orgasm during sex, because he thinks it “shouldn’t be all about the orgasm” (a line from our therapist when I was working through my sexual issues), and that I’m “really difficult.” I don’t always have to orgasm, and it’s true I am very difficult to get off. I don’t expect him to be a sex god. But am I wrong or selfish to want him to care and work at it? 

Like most women, I need a lot of foreplay plus clitoral stimulation to orgasm. I’m really turned on by cunnilingus, so I’ve tried to urge him to go that route, but to be blunt with you, Doc: He’s no good at it. He doesn’t like to do it very long, doesn’t get into it, and has a pretty wimpy technique. I have a special clitoral vibrator that I use during sex sometimes, which I got in hopes to alleviate the cunnilingus issue, but so far that hasn’t done the trick either (though that might be because it’s loud and annoying). 

However, he does do things I ask, and I know he will listen to me if I bring this up. These are all things I’ve mentioned to him before, but somehow the message just isn’t getting through to him. He doesn’t totally blow me off; rather it seems like he just completely lacks confidence. He constantly tells me he doesn’t know what he’s doing, and then gets frustrated when it’s not good enough.

So my question is: How can I approach this with him without hurting his feelings? Like I said, Tom is a shy geeky guy, which are traits I love about him. I don’t want to offend him. Is there a good way to approach this with sensitive guys?

Signed,

Woman Wanting Good Sex

DEAR WOMAN WANTING GOOD SEX: No, you’re not being selfish.

However – and I hate to be the one to say it WWGS – your husband is being something of a selfish dick. I notice that when it’s YOUR orgasm on the line, he’s all about the holistic sexual experience… but I imagine if you happened to quit giving him oral sex right before the point of no return he’d be all kinds of pissed. Orgasms for me but not for thee and all that and if you complain then all the sudden his fee-fees get hurt.

Look, I can understand the frustration that comes with someone feeling like they’re not good at something that they should be (in this case: getting one’s significant other off) but there comes a point when it’s not about him being sensitive, it’s about him throwing mini-tantrums because… well who knows. So you’re going to have to sit him down and have a bit of a Come (as it were) to Jesus meeting with him. This is one of those times that I would recommend a mix of firmness and positive reinforcement with just a wee bit of appealing to his ego… and possibly the occasional boot-to-ass. It’s time to have an Awkward Conversation with him and advocate for your own needs.

Take some time and have a sit-down with your husband and explain that you just aren’t satisfied with your sex life and you really want his help with it and if he’d just do X, Y and Z which turn you on SO much, you would be ever so grateful. Make it clear: this is a solvable problem, one that you want to work on WITH him so that the sex is good for both of you.

Let’s start with the cunnilingus problem. You get turned on by oral and frankly I agree with my Dan Savage on the subject: Unless previous agreements have been made between partners, oral comes standard and any make or model that doesn’t have it should be returned to the lot. But I’m also not going to tell you to throw the man out because he’s lousy at giving head. Sometimes it’s a matter of just getting him over the hump (seriously, I guess we’re not doing phrasing anymore…) – finding out exactly what his problem is with giving oral in the first place and then teaching him how to do a proper job of it. I’m hoping, of course, that your husband’s not to bust out the whole “smell” or “taste” issue; unless you have an actual problem like vaginosis or trichomoniasis (which are pretty hard to miss), this is one of those times that a dude needs to grow the f—k up and get over it. After five years, he should be used to the fact that bodies have smells and flavors. After all I’m sure he doesn’t expect you to complain about the taste of his penis or ejaculate, which doesn’t taste like maple syrup after all.

(Side note: smoking can affect the taste and smell of both men and women’s secretions. If you smoke, this can be a very good way to help motivate you to quit…)

But assuming that it isn’t about that little immaturity, let’s nail down the specifics. Is he bothered by how long it takes? Does he get fatigued midway through or feel like his jaw’s killing him? These are things that take practice… and you’d be more than willing to help him practice. With technique, explain exactly what it is you need, where you need it and just how hard it has to be. It may help if, as a bit of foreplay, you show him what you need on yourself with your fingers, then demonstrating the necessary tongue action on a sensitive bit of his anatomy, especially the neck or nipples. If you’re the (lucky, rare) sort who tends to orgasm vaginally or needs vaginal stimulation as well as clitoral, encourage him to get his fingers involved (gently). While he’s practicing, make sure to offer vocal encouragement: he’s doing great, you’re getting so hot, just a little harder here baby, etc. He’s probably not going to get you off at first, but don’t let that discourage him (or you) – tell him how close you’re getting and how next time, with just a little more work, he can totally get you there. The more he feels like he’s performing like a sex god, the more he’s going to want to continue and get you off.

If it takes a while for you to get going even with oral, then it might help to pre-game things (as it were) with a vibrator. Your current one isn’t doing the trick, so you should consider trying a different one. Sex shops like Good Vibrations or Toys in Babeland have toys that are specifically supposed to be discrete – helping to eliminate that annoying buzzing sound that may be throwing you off. They also have reviews and suggestions that can help you find your match.

Speaking of which:

Most women can’t have an orgasm through penetration alone; they need clitoral stimulation as well and that’s very difficult to do through penetrative sex. If your husband wants to get you off (and I would certainly hope he does…), then it’s going to take going the extra mile or two. If you aren’t already, I would recommend touching yourself during sex to help things along. Now admittedly, some guys can get a little weird about this; after all, porn has taught them all the wrong lessons including that women can have “Look Ma, No Hands” orgasms at the drop of a hat, so the implication that a woman is going to need some extra assistance can feel like a condemnation of their virility and sexual prowess.

This is one reason why sex toys can be of use – teaching him how to use one on you can be incredibly sexy and helps take the intimidation/ego-deflation out of the equation. Make it about how he’s getting you off, not the toy; the toy is nothing without him. There are also a number of couple’s vibrators, including rings that are meant to be worn on the base of the penis that help stimulate the clit during penetration.

Emphasize how important it is that you both enjoy sex as much as possible – and how you want him to please you. And if he starts to get butthurt about it, even with your being encouraging and open… well, then it’s time to drop the hammer. No oral for you means no oral for him. Period.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I need an honest opinion from you on something that I feel shame and guilt, after I give some more details: am I fetishizing women?

I seem to be only attracted to very curvy women with wide hips, thick legs, “pawgs,” “bbws,” etc. I’ve dated a variety of body types throughout my twenties (30 now), and only really feel a strong sexual connection and satisfaction with women who fit those body characteristics. I also notice a pattern in that it’s mostly white women and some latina and Brazilian women, but I don’t feel sexual attraction to asian or black women. So, am I also racist? I really hope not, because I find all different types of women “beautiful” and “gorgeous,” and appreciate diversity, but I just don’t feel sexual desire for most. If it turns out I do have internalized prejudice, how do I go about reversing that outside of therapy? (Can’t afford it at the moment, and not sure how to bring the subject up with a professional)

Anyways, I’m quite cognizant about who I want to date, and I really want to get to know a person before I engage sexually with them, so I don’t have any interest in cruising, hooking up, or “trying to get laid.” I think I’m looking at the bigger picture when it comes to dating and sex, but can’t help shake off the feeling that even if I care about a wider variety of traits other than the physical, I’m still “objectifying” women because of their bodies. I honestly wish I could be attracted to thin and average sized women, because that would open up my possibilities, but it just doesn’t happen.

Not really sure how to end my message but I appreciate your writings and will be grateful if you find the time to offer your insights. Thanks!

Female Body Introspector

DEAR FEMALE BODY INTROSPECTOR: This is an interesting question that’s going to touch on a lot of issues that’s hard to distill into a single advice column, FBI. I’m gonna try to simplify things as best as I can, but keep in mind: this is a topic that involves a LOT of history, context and nuance.

There’s a lot of discussion around what it means to have a preference or a type, and when (and how) that crosses the line into objectification or fetishization, FBI. And while it can feel like folks who’re just Too Woke To Function sticking their noses into people’s love-lives and policing who people are attracted to… it really is a topic that’s worth examining. Especially when it comes to your own interests and types.

Part of the issue at hand is the fact that “beauty” is a cultural creation. None of us exist in a vacuum; we all are the sum of the culture we grow up in — often with influences we’ve been exposed to for so long that we’re not consciously aware of them. While there are some traits that are relatively commonly spread amongst cultures — mostly facial and body symmetry — what we find attractive or unattractive is shaped by cultural norms, expectations and messaging. We are bombarded on a daily basis with images that define what “beauty” or “attractive” is to us; it’s something that’s quite literally marketed to us by advertisers and pop culture. Think of the narratives of so many movies, TV shows and even advertisements about someone who’s “not attractive” having some sort of glow-up; what are the differences between the “before” and “after” stages? For that matter, think of who gets marketed to us as “hot”, such as on shows that are explicit about their purpose like, say, Too Hot To Handle. There are certain traits that we are told, over and over again, are what make someone “hot”.

And one of the things that informs this is, in fact, racism and white supremacy. It’s significant just how many body types and facial features that we’re told are attractive are centered around Northern European phenotypes — the size and shape of noses and lips, the size of eyes, prominence of cheekbones, height, waist-to-hip ratio, and so on. Generations of Black men and women have been told that darker skin, wider noses and natural hair are less desirable, including dress codes that forbid Black women from wearing their hair in dreads, bantu knots or natural hair. Similarly, consider the ways that Southeast Asian men are portrayed as being less-masculine or entirely sexless — something that has much of its origins in the racism and prejudice against Chinese immigrants in the 19th century. Similarly, there were the ways that women of various ethnicities have been portrayed for decades and even centuries — the “submissive” Asian woman, the “fiery” Latina, and so on.

Body types are part and parcel of this, with certain figures being more associated with different ethnicities. Think of the phrase you use in your letter, “PAWG”. This stands for “phat ass white girl”. While this is focusing on someone’s physique — someone with a larger butt — the body type it refers to is inherently associated with non-white women, particularly Black and Latina women… hence why “white” is part of the phrase. It marks her out as being different from other white women.

By that same token is the question of objectification and fetishization. This is a topic that a lot of folks don’t fully grasp, or misunderstand. Objectification doesn’t mean “appreciating someone’s good looks” or thinking that somebody is physically attractive. There’s nothing wrong with being attracted to somebody’s body. Objectification is when you erase their personhood and focus entirely on their body; their body — and your interest in it — becomes the sole defining quality. Often it means reducing someone to a particular shape or body-part; breasts, buttocks, penis size and the like… doubly so when those are also associated with their race or ethnicity. When you look at porn featuring Black men, especially Black men in interracial scenes, the emphasis is on the fact that they’re Black and that the sex they’re having is somehow transgressive because of it. In a very real way, it dehumanizes them because it makes the entire point of the video about their skin color or the size of their penises, not about them as individuals.

Same with fetishization; handicapped and disabled people often deal with folks — called “devotees” who are attracted to them because of their disability, less so the person. This can become incredibly problematic because of how often the fetishization is about the power imbalance between the two — especially when the handicap limits their mobility or ability to function the way abled people do.

But having said all of this, these aren’t the only things that will cause us to have preferences or leanings towards particular body types, different hair colors, ethnicities and so on. Novelty and unfamiliarity can trigger interest because they’re new and different to us. Familiarity and exposure will likewise affect who we tend to date or be attracted to — the mere-exposure effect causes us to have preferences for things because they’re so familiar to us. The more common something is in your experience, the more likely you are to be comfortable with it and to prefer it… including body types and people. And of course there are shared backgrounds, shared culture, shared values and experiences — the more similarities somebody has, the more you tend to like them and be drawn to them.

And of course, people pick up preferences and interests all the time because we’ll conflate certain people or types with moments in our lives, especially with dawning awareness of sexuality. And then there are times people pick up fetishes or paraphilias and have no goddamn idea why — the development of paraphilias is still something that sexologists don’t fully understand.

Now the reason I bring all of this up isn’t to tell you that you’re wrong for your preferences or that you are somehow obligated to have as wide and diverse a dating history and sexual attraction as possible. I bring it up because it’s worth examining those interests preferences and just what it is about them that gets your motor running. Is it because your first crush was a curvy or heavy-set woman? Is there a particular emotional or sexual association you have for that,  that you don’t feel with thinner women? When it comes to the women you’re attracted to, what makes the difference for you? Is it something you associate with them culturally or socially, as opposed to the women individually? Is it just particular features that they have that others don’t? Or are there expectations you have about them based on their race or culture?

The point of this exercise isn’t to say “yes you’re racist/ no you’re not”; it’s so that you’re just a bit more mindful about who you’re into and why. Sometimes who we date is less about who we’re attracted to and who we allow ourselves to express attraction for. One of the issues that fat or BBW women face, as an example, are men who will pursue them because they think fat women have fewer options and will be “grateful” or put up with s--tty treatment because of it.  There’re also men who are attracted to fat women and will happily f--k them… but won’t date them openly, because of the cultural narrative that it’s shameful for men to f--k or date fat women. The same often applies to women of color as well — men who fetishize them for their bodies or ethnicities or perceived culture or personality type, but won’t date them or have meaningful relationships with them.

But again: having a preference for a particular body type isn’t the same as objectifying someone who has that body type. It’s just when the only thing they ARE is that body and the relationship it has with your sexual gratification that it becomes objectification.

The more you can unpack and understand who you’re into and why, the easier it is to recognize when it’s just “yup, I find sex with women with thicker thighs and wider hips more satisfying” versus something informed by race or cultural value. Similarly, it may be worth seeing if you can focus more on the individual than their race, especially if you realize that your interest or lack-thereof has a racial component. Sometimes it comes to giving yourself permission to try to get to know someone and give them a chance when you might have brushed them off without thinking. You may even surprise yourself by realizing that your interests are wider and more varied than you thought if given a chance.

Or you may just find out that this is just who you are and what you’re into. And that’s fine too.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’m in a bit of a horrible situation.

I have this female friend, which was (and I hope still is) my best and closest friend for the last six or seven years. We went to university together, we went to post-graduation together. We have the same tastes and like basically the same things. And we supported each other emotionally when the situation was bad for one or both of us. She, and now I see my error in doing this, she became the person I went to every time I had a romantic disappointment. My romantic and sexual life was virtually non-existent in those same six or seven years; I only dated one girl, and she was emphatic from the very first moment that she was interested only in casual sex (which we had, once; soon afterwards she entered in a relationship).

This friend of mine had, until recently, a rock-solid relationship, for eight or nine years. She and her boyfriend were only waiting for a better financial situation to get married and live together. But, in the last six months or so, she became unsatisfied, mainly because her boyfriend wasn´t making any real effort to achieve that financial security, and was abusing on alcohol and marijuana. Long history short, they ended the relationship some three weeks ago.

And then my personal hell began.

When she told me about the end of her relationship (and, as best friend, I was the one she contacted first), something, for lack of better word, awakened inside me. I discovered myself deeply attracted to her. I’m not using the L word here, because I’m not even sure that is the case. At first I decided to bury these feelings; but, as a couple of days passed, and I suffered more and more, I decided not to take this to the grave with me, and talked to her.

She was very nice, and assured me that she understand me, that she would not sever ties with me (my greatest fear, from past situations like that), but that we are only good friends.

That happened three weeks ago (she broke up on a Wednesday, and I talked to her on the same week, on the Friday). Since then, we talked little, and shared a few messages, only about our studies (we are trying to enter in the same master’s degree program).

Since then, I had very little peace of mind. I'm sleeping badly, lost my focus on the many things I have to do, and I'm feeling terrible anxious about the future of our friendship. I really, really like her as friend, and hurts me to know that probably, from now on, she will wall me out of part of her life. To make things worse, I'm almost certain that she is dating a work colleague. 

To you understand how close we are, her brother called me today at three in the morning, to ask me if I know where she was, because she doesn't got home yet (which is totally out of her normal). When I tried to call her, she don't answered, and minutes later send me a message, saying that is everything all right and that she was arriving at home. I texted back, asking where she had been, and she ignored me.

What I should do, Doc? In any other situation, I happily and gladly would be using the nuclear option. But, and I cannot emphasize that enough, she is my friend, and I accept that this situation is my fault, for I neglected my sentimental life for too long. I don't want to lose my friend.

Thanks,

– To Much Too Soon Too Fast

DEAR TOO MUCH TOO SOON TOO FAST: There are so many things to work through here.

First of all: DUDE. You have my sympathies because it sucks when someone you care for doesn’t care for you the same way… but you kinda went about it ass first. You spilled your guts when she had just gotten out of a nine year relationship and a person’s gotta heal, ya know? I mean look at it from her perspective: she’s just had an incredibly long-standing part of her life come to an end and she’s barely come to terms with the fact that the break up happened at ALL and you tell her that you’re suddenly in something with her. This is going to be a lot to handle emotionally because now not only does she have to deal with her break up but she’s trying to handle your emotions as gingerly as she can. That’s really not cool, yo.

Let’s be realistic here: even if she did have feelings for you… she literally just got out of a relationship. Unless she was jumping ship specifically to date you, she’s probably not going to want to date anyone right now.

Second: You say something suddenly ‘awoke’ in you. Maybe you’ve always had a little crush on her and you didn’t know it. Maybe it’s just that now that she’s available, she’s much more attractive to you. Maybe it’s transference because you feel like she’s the only girl in the world who understands you and could love you. Regardless, obsessing about her and losing your chance with her is only going to serve to push her away. You need to dial your s--t back. Yeah, it blows that she doesn’t like you the way you want her to but you’re going to have to accept it if you want to stay friends; losing sleep and focus means that you’re letting it gnaw away at you in ways that aren’t healthy.

You want to keep her as a friend? Then you need to calm down and give her some space.

Odds are she’s feeling weird and uncomfortable and more than a little annoyed at you right now because you picked the 2nd worst possible time to spring this on her and she doesn’t want to have to deal with the emotional tightrope of your mental health and feelings for her while she’s processing her own. If you don’t want her to wall you out of her life, then you need to act like a friend, not a guy trying to win her heart. I realize is the opposite of my usual advice for trying to avoid being “stuck in The Friend Zone” (there is no such thing as The Friend Zone), but:

A) she’s already told you she doesn’t feel the same way,

B) she’s still recovering from a break-up which is the worst time to try to jump from being friends to being lovers, and

C) she’s going to feel pressured by you, and that’s the last thing you want – no matter whether you’re hoping to stay friends or to be her lover.

Plus: you don’t want to make her think that you were only friends with her because you were waiting for your window of opportunity.

This means that you need to not get crazy and acting jealous. Things like asking her where she’s been? Just between you, me and all the strangers reading this… level with me here. Yeah, you were a concerned since her brother called you up but c’mon, how much of that was because you were afraid she was out f--king someone? Because I can guarantee you that’s exactly how SHE took it. You told her that her brother was worried about her – fine, mission accomplished. Asking her what she’d been up to: none of your damn business. That’s why she ignored you: she doesn’t need you freaking out at her right now. She needs a friend and from the sounds of things, you haven’t really been acting like one.

If you can’t dial your feelings back enough that you can give her the support and comfort she needs – because, as I said, she just got out of a relationship that was lasted nearly a third of her life – without making it about how you feel, then you need to spend some time away from her until you can. Do NOT announce this to her. Just take a step back and do your thing. You don’t need to cut all ties, just… let a little distance happen. You’ve been friends for nearly a decade; you can survive a little space.

Not every friendship is going to turn to love and especially not if she feels like the price of entry for your friendship is having to manage your feelings for you. If you want to maintain your friendship then you need to take a deep breath and let go.

What I recommend most right now is that you get busy. You’re trying to get into a Master’s program, which should be getting the lion’s share of your attention right now. Concentrate on your studies; when you can’t stop thinking about her, get up and get physical. Go for a run, jump rope, do something cardiovascular that will exhaust you. Drown your pain in the sensations of your body. It’ll make you feel better, sleep better and help you get in better shape, which will make you feel better about yourself. 

I also recommend throwing yourself back into the dating pool. You shouldn’t look for anything serious – after all, that’s unfair to your prospective girlfriend – just enough to remind yourself that there are other women out there and that there are many who are just as awesome as your friend… except they’re going to be open to dating you.

Spend a little time improving your life and you won’t be feeling crushed by her not loving you the way you’d prefer.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com