DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: My question is, honestly, is it truly possible for men to actively seek out casual sex or hookups without being creepy? Now, let me clarify some things about this question. Theoretically, of course, the answer is obviously “yes”, but practically? How does a man even bring up the idea without ever creeping out a woman? Many women seem to be repulsed by the idea. Some may like it, but only with certain men. Of course, it’s impossible to know if a woman would like hooking up with you, or even if she wouldn’t be utterly repulsed by you asking, without asking in the first place, so even finding out that vital part of the equation seems impossible to do without creeping a woman out, unless you’re ungodly lucky and every single woman you happen to ask just happens to not be repulsed by you asking.

Another thing is even approaching. Ask on Reddit about it, every single possible venue has its detractors.

“Don’t ask me at the store, I’m just there to shop.”

“Don’t ask me at class, I’m there to learn.”

“Don’t ask me at salsa lessons, I’m there to dance salsa, and I’d be uncomfortable dancing with guys who ask me.”

“Don’t ask me at the coffee shop, I’m there to read/work.”

“Don’t ask me at the bar, I’m just there to drink with friends.”

“Don’t ask me at the club, I’m just there to dance with friends.”

It would be one thing if these were just framed as personal preference, but these always carry the implication that any guy who would do this is probably predatory. And God help you if you DARE ask any follow-up questions about any of these. If you do, it’s obviously because you want to invalidate her opinion or you think you’re entitled to women’s time. Just about the only uncontroversial venue is Tinder. But for many men, that’s just a self-esteem destroyer, of constant one-sided swiping and ghosting.

Some may say that the best thing to do is through social circles or activity groups. But because of everything else I mentioned, I REALLY do not want to do that. If I creep out a stranger, that sucks, but there’s likely no more negative consequences than that. The fact that she even would meet me again is slim to none. But if I creep out a friend or a friend or someone else in an activity group, that’s just terrible. She could tell others about how I creeped her out, my already existing friends would be more suspicious of me, any future interaction with any female member of the group would be tainted, I might even get shunned from the group. That makes me never want to look to friends or activity groups.

So basically, how is it even possible for a man to look for hookups without being creepy? It sounds like he’d need ungodly luck. First, the woman has to not be offended by a simple approach. Then, she has to not be repulsed by the idea of hooking up, and then, to not be repulsed by the idea of hooking up with him. None of those are knowable without asking in the first place. But to ask requires approaching in the first place. And then if he asks, she would then know he thinks of her like that…

Seeking Something Casual

DEAR SEEKING SOMETHING CASUAL: As is so often the case, SSC, the problem you have isn’t the problem that you think you have.

People — guys, gals and non-binary pals — regularly find folks who are looking for one night stands, friends with benefits and partners who are just looking for sex without the strings or complications of a committed relationship. And no, it’s not just about hots finding thots, nor is it about the Mythical 20% of Twitter exercising droit du seigneur over 80% of the women. They’re just people, same as everyone else, putting themselves out there, shooting their shot and finding people who are of like-minded interests.

Despite what folks would tell you, women are as interested in sex as men, including an interest in casual sex and no-strings hook-ups. Barrier that folks frequently run into is that women who sleep with men face disproportionate levels of risk than men do, the sex that they find — or are offered — is often not that good, and a lot of times, the men they hook up with prove themselves to have a nasty case of Crouching Nice Guy, Hidden Douchebag afterwards. When guys try to get someone to f--k them and then turn around and shame women for doing exactly what they were asking for, that tends to disincentivize women from being as up front or open about wanting to bang.

But when you mitigate the risks, including post-coital slut-shaming, women are emphatically down for it.

The issue that you are having, SSC, is that you’re coming at this from the angle that women don’t like sex or find casual sex repulsive, that men’s — or rather your — sexual interest is inherently unwelcome or intrusive and that the only way to find a sex partner is to creep on women until someone says “ok sure”.

Some of this is ignorance, some of it is inexperience and a whole lot of it is a combination of low self-esteem, listening to the wrong people and a heaping helping of confirmation bias.

So, let’s take this in reverse order.

Part of why you’re struggling with this is that you’re coming to this discussion under the assumption that casual sex is, by definition, mostly unwanted, unwelcome and hard to find. When you start from a base of “I want this but there’s no way to find it without being a creep,” it’s very easy for confirmation bias to seep in and cause you to give far too much credence to random people. Seeing folks on Reddit say “ewwww, no” seems more impactful because it already lines up with what you believe; you’re much more likely to take what they say as gospel, rather than seeing it as one person’s opinion.

(This is, in fact, a common issue on Reddit, where non-representative samples are regularly held up as proof of random bulls--t…)

Despite the seeming size and authoritative nature of r/relationships or what-have-you, subreddits aren’t a meaningful sample of the population at large. You’re seeing individual people’s opinions about specific circumstances. Even if those get massive upvotes, that’s still opinions, not facts, nor are they universally held.

And to be clear: they’re very circumstantial. While I’m certainly not going to claim that there’s a Brad Pitt exception or something, there are going to be plenty of folks who will say “well, that’s how I met MY FWB”, and they’ll be telling the God’s honest truth. They did what they weren’t “supposed” to do according to your sample and yet still found success.

Which is actually leads us to the next issue: a lack of experience. Your interpretation of this seems to be predicated on the idea that finding a FWB or casual hook-up is primarily a meet-someone-and-hit-on-them scenario that leads to them going home with you that very night. And while this does happen, it’s not the most common occurrence. This is more how people tend to think it works, rather than how it actually plays out. That’s part of why you’re finding (and overvaluing) the resistance to this idea.

Here’s part of why so many of the women you bring up are very much against dudes asking them out at whatever venue: because they’re picturing the typical “nice shoes, want to f--k” approach that some folks seem to think will get them laid. It would be tempting to say this is an unfair stereotype or straw man if it weren’t for the fact that lots of dudes legitimately and literally act like this — both on dating apps and in person. But this goes back to why women frequently aren’t (openly) into casual sex: because the guys who are offering it the most often have all the social calibration and awareness of a brick. A particularly horny brick.

The issue with a lot of the examples that you listed is that approaching women for sex goes against the social contract. One doesn’t generally go to the gym, the grocery store or class in order to hook up or even expecting to. Now, you’re far more likely to meet someone who’s at least open to meeting and talking to strangers at a club or a bar; the social contract of being in those places is that this is a venue where people frequently go to socialize and meet new people.

(This does, admittedly, depend on the type of bar. A singles bar in the entertainment district is gonna be very different from the local watering hole or an Applebee’s.)

Now just being in those venues doesn’t mean that someone’s interested in being approached by all and sundry. It just means that you’re far more likely to find like-minded folks.

With that being said, let’s get back to social calibration and experience. There are ways that it’s possible to meet and even hook up with people in all of the theoretical situations you bring up. What it requires is being aware of not just the social norms, but paying attention and knowing how to read social signals. Someone who is at a bar to drink or dance with her friends is going to be giving off far different vibes than somebody who’s open to talking to people. The same is true of folks at the coffee shop, at the book store or in class. You want to give your attention (and time) to folks who are open to or actively interested in talking.  Somebody at Starbucks who’s got their headphones on and is staring intently at their laptop is giving off the nigh-universal “don’t talk to me” signal. On the other hand, if you and they are both waiting around for your orders, it’s very easy to use a general observation or comment to start a conversation.

The same is true for someone at a bar. If she’s oriented herself towards the room, you and she make eye-contact and she gives you the look-away-look-back-and-smile or other indications of interest, then she’s signaling that yes, she would like to talk to you. On the other hand, if she’s in a group of friends and they’re all standing around in an inward-facing cluster, then she’s going to be far less receptive to somebody rolling up on her.

By that same token: nobody appreciates a guy who treats a MeetUp or a dance class like a singles bar. Dudes who cruise those like horny sharks make the experience a misery for everyone. However, folks will frequently talk with other regulars that they see often; those are the folks who’ve demonstrated that they’re not there to hit on people. They’ve built up trust and social capital and — critically — they aren’t just hitting on folks. And while they may start flirting with someone or ask somebody on a date, that is far more often the culmination of previous interactions and conversations, not necessarily the first time they’ve ever spoken.

So no, you wouldn’t just hit on somebody in the middle of your conversational Spanish class. But you might go up to them afterwards — especially if they’re not rushing off to another class — and ask them about the reading. And if you and they have more than a five word conversation, it might lead to asking them if they’re free and would they like to grab a quick coffee at the Student Union? And as you and they talk, you may find that you both have a lot in common, you find that you’re laughing and joking and having a good time… and this may lead to your asking them for a date. Or it may lead to getting dinner, drinks or even eventually going back to your place or theirs’.

Yeah, the women in the examples you bring up probably don’t want a dude who just asks them if they’d like to f--k. But if you were to ask them if they would be open to talking to somebody who was nice and funny or charming and warm… they would very likely say “ok, in that case, maybe.”

(Obvious disclaimer is obvious: this is not the same as “all women would be down for this type of approach”.)

The difference here is that the guy who has the most success isn’t shotgunning an approach at everyone who he finds vaguely attractive. He’s paying attention to the people who are most open or interested in talking to somebody. He’s not hitting on her, he’s having a conversation. There’s flirting, yes, but it’s flirting with an eye towards whether she’s interested in flirting; if she isn’t, then he dials it back. By paying attention, being appropriate to the moment and the location and being mindful of her interest and comfort, he doesn’t have to worry about being creepy.

This same approach applies to people in your social circle too. You don’t start from a position of “hey wanna f--k,” you start from a position of paying attention to folks, seeing who is or isn’t attracted to you and might be interested in more. You talk, you flirt, and if there’s mutual interest, see about a date.

“But what if they’re not interested?” I hear you cry. “Wouldn’t that lead to everyone getting weird and destroying your friendships?”

I’m glad you asked, convenient rhetorical device. The answer is “no, not if you don’t make it weird first”. If you and a friend were vibing, and you were to say “hey, I really enjoy what we have, but I’m curious to see if there’s more. If you’re interested — and it’s absolutely cool if you’re not — I’d love to take you on a date,” that’s not a friendship killer in and of itself. If they were to say “thank you, but I’d really rather be friends” and you respond with “I totally understand, not a problem,” and continue to act like a friend? Then things are gonna be fine. It’s only going to be weird or uncomfortable if you don’t take “no” with good grace or make your entire friendship about “BUT WHYYYYY WON’T YOU F--k ME?”

And, incidentally, the same approach applies to dating apps. First and foremost: much of why dudes have less success on dating apps is completely down to how people use those apps — bad pictures and profiles, engaging in behavior that downgrades them in the algorithm, poor messaging behaviors and treating each potential match as the end-all-be-all of dating. But even when you do match with people, you don’t want to lead with “so who’s up for a little f--ky-f--ky” — which, I hate to say, isn’t an exaggeration. Even women who are actively looking for NSA sex don’t appreciate being treated like a foregone conclusion or a human Fleshlight. You come to that first meeting with an attitude of “let’s start by seeing if we have chemistry in person”, not “it’s all done but the squishy noises”. Meet up for 15 minutes for coffee or ice cream and see if you have as much of a connection in person as you do over text. From there plan an actual date and see where it goes from there.

Just as importantly though: you need to be willing to own your interest and what you’re looking for. If what you want is a casual relationship without an expectation of commitment, then you have to be willing to put that out there. Yes, people who aren’t into this will say “thank you but no”. That’s good. That’s what you want. You want people who are on the same page as you. Pretending that you might be open to a relationship or looking for something long term just to avoid chasing people away will only lead to heartache and annoyance. It also means that you stop casting your interest as something unfortunate or to be hidden or that makes you undesirable. That outlook will make it next to impossible for you to actually find a partner because nobody appreciates an offer of “um, I know this is going to disgust you and you’re probably going to say no anyway but if you can stand it, would you very much mind having sex?” Not only will you not be able to act with confidence, but you’ll be seeing the world through a filter of “nobody could possibly want this” — which means that you’ll miss the folks who are interested in what you have to offer.

Now, I’ve written a lot about casual sex, about flirting, what women look for in a casual hook-up relationship, how to approach women… I suggest that you check out my books or go through the archives and read up.

But here’s the thing: all of the reading and study in the world doesn’t matter if you don’t put it into practice. This is where ignorance and inexperience comes into play. The only way you can actually succeed is to get in the game in the first place. There is no reward without risk, nor is there any way of getting what you want without taking a chance at being rejected. The way you learn is through trying, making mistakes, learning, trying again and succeeding and learning from that, too. If you’re going to spend all your time looking for a way to get a 100% guarantee of success… you’re going to be looking for a long, long time.

As I’ve said: don’t come at this from a place of trying to get laid off the bat. That is unquestionably part of why this freaks you out. Take it step by step, not trying to get a place on the varsity team on your very first time on the field. Come at this from a place of having conversations and getting to know people. If there’s a vibe, then go on a date. The more experiences you have, the more your skills will develop. The more you develop those skills, the more success you will have.

And seriously, stop looking at subreddits as proof of anything but the opinion of that person on that subreddit… and half the time, not even as that.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: My partner is an adjunct instructor of Sociology at a local community college. He is a brilliant social scientist and a great teacher, but he is terrible at the bureaucratic side of things: he loses track of emails, has a crazy disorganized mess of files on his computer, and struggles to navigate online systems to double check his work and connect with his colleagues and supervisors. I don’t think this is a terribly unusual persuasion for a professor-type, but the early stages of his career coupled with the digital demands of the pandemic have really brought this issue to the forefront lately.

Last spring, there was a huge problem when he failed to keep track of emails about an online certification program that his school was requiring. It almost resulted in him losing his job. He has missed notifications for in-service dates (and subsequently failed to show up), missed emails from supervisors and submitted the wrong copy of forms. So far he hasn’t suffered any lasting consequences, but that’s mostly because of the patience of his supervising staff. Those same supervisors are becoming increasingly (unsurprisingly) frustrated, and I worry that this could easily derail his career.

This would all be a problem within itself, but it’s doubly stressful because of his struggles with mental health. My partner suffers from body dysmorphia (a delusional disorder that affects all-over self esteem, not just body image) and anxiety. While he takes medication and mostly manages these issues, when a “crisis” arises (usually as a result of him missing an email or important date) he flies into a downward spiral. Instead of being disappointed and frustrated like any of us would be, his self-esteem plummets off a cliff and he starts talking about what a failure he is as a human and how he should just give up and resign. Sometimes this nears suicidal-levels, or includes a generalized rage which he doesn’t direct at me, but which makes it impossible to talk to him and sometimes results in rash actions like sending unprofessional emails to supervisors or throwing his phone down and breaking it. 

I am also a disorganized person, but I’ve realized through trial and error that I can head off these kinds of crises by forcing myself into habits. I keep my work email open on my computer 24/7 to ensure I don’t miss emails, set alarms for important dates, and always place my belongings in the same spots so I don’t lose them, etc. I’ve tried to offer advice to help him avoid these issues in the future, but he mostly refuses. In the moment he thinks it’s totally hopeless and he should give up altogether, and later he seems to pretend the issues never happened. He claims he’s trying to be more on top of things, but I don’t see any evidence of that. As it is, I have to exist in a constant state of fear that his failure to keep track of his professional life will send our household into chaotic crisis mode at any minute.

How do we get to a place where he can cope with and prevent these mishaps? Is there help he can seek out for this kind of tendency to screw up the “mundane” tasks of his professional life? 

Sincerely, 

All Crisis-ed Out

DEAR ALL CRISIS-ED OUT: This is a tough one ACO, in part because it sounds like your partner is refusing to deal with the underlying issues. If some form of disruption causes him to fly either into a deep depression or unfocused rage and he refuses to talk about things afterwards… well, that makes it really goddamn difficult to solve anything. It gets especially bad if he refuses to either admit that there’s a problem or to actually deal with it in a meaningful manner.

So with the obvious caveat that Dr. NerdLove is NOT a real doctor, I am of a mind that this needs a two-prong approach: a practical one to deal with the disorganization, and a systematic one to deal with the underlying causes. If the disorganization and consequences thereof are a major trigger for these outbursts or breakdowns, then getting that under control may make it easier for him (and for you) to work on his anxiety and dysmorphia.

I’m like you, ACO; I’m incredibly disorganized under the best of circumstances. I’ve got ADHD, which means that — amongst other things — I have a bad case of “out of sight, out of mind”. This has required a host of compensating behaviors and systems, including calendar alerts on top of alerts and automating everything I possibly can. So I get where you’re coming from with this. However, I can also tell you that things can slip through the cracks, and it requires being on top of things in a way that can be really difficult without outside help on occasion. Thus far, your partner hasn’t been willing to set up a system like yours, or to accept your help in setting one up. I suspect that, even if he does accept your help or sets something up, he’ll still have things fall through, resulting in more crises for him and more stress for you. That’s why my suggestion is to take the American approach and outsource the organizing to somebody else.

One of the benefits of our increasingly connected world has been the rise of virtual assistants — people whose job it is to take the scutwork you can’t deal with or that you struggle with and take care of it for you, even without being physically present. Having someone who can, for example, help with filing paperwork, making sure bills get paid, organize your files and so on, can be a huge benefit both to your emotional and mental health and to your overall productivity. Having the metaphorical weight taken off your shoulders — along with the time and stress of dealing with all of these small but critical tasks — can free up your time and your mental bandwidth. And in the case of your partner, this can hopefully help keep his triggers at bay by helping everything run smoothly, which will give him the bandwidth and motivation to treat his condition more effectively.

The other benefit is that these services are often far more affordable than you’d realize. You can find a licensed and bonded assistant for anywhere around $15 – $30 per hour on services like Care; a few hours a week could make the difference between career-threatening lost emails and keeping everything running smoothly. That means less stress for the both of you, on top of the time saved trying to get everything accomplished and putting out the fires that crop up.

Now the second approach is going to be harder. It sounds like your partner is seeing a therapist and is getting treatment, which is great. However, the behavior you mention and his triggers make me wonder if there’s another condition that’s either co-morbid with his dysmorphia or may be masked by the conditions you already know about. Or it could be that the current course of treatment isn’t working as effectively on all aspects of his dysmorphia and anxiety. Regardless, he really needs to talk about with his doctor about how easily stress triggers a spiral and how much it’s been disrupting his life and work. There’re a lot of ways that he can learn how to manage his emotions and try not to let things rage out of control, but triggers are rarely rational and can hit a lot harder and faster than people can respond in the moment. Even if it’s just a case of running out of cope, the fact that the reactions are this extreme and this disruptive means that they run the risk of having profound consequences to his life and yours. It may be an awkward or even embarrassing thing to talk about, especially if his dysmorphia is f--king with his self-esteem, but it’s necessary.

In both cases, I suspect a lot is going to come down to how you present these options to your partner. Sometimes the difference between stubborn refusal and a willingness to listen all depends on how you pitch it.

The virtual assistant may actually be the easier lift, particularly if you frame it as “how about we find someone who can take these things off your plate and make it so that you don’t have to worry about it anymore?”  While I wouldn’t suggest hiring an assistant for your partner, it may be worth checking out some of the profiles in the link I provided in advance and interviewing some potential prospects. If you are able to present your partner with specific examples of what a VA could do for your husband, it may be easier than saying “hey, have you considered hiring somebody to take care of all of this?”

Alternately, you could hire someone to help with your organization and then be able to wax rhapsodic about how much they’ve done for you. At that point, you both win.

Getting your partner to talk to his doctor may be a little harder, especially if he’s resistant. That is a talk you may have to structure like an Awkward Conversation, where you lay out why this has been concerning you, what you think would help (talking to his doctor) and how this would make things better (less anxiety, less depression, less rage, less risk to his career).  Then he can share his side, including why he may have a hard time discussing these things or why he has a hard time bringing them up.

Now, I’m not gonna lie. It’s going to be a struggle. Men in particular tend to be resistant to dealing with issues that strike their anxiety or sense of competence and self-esteem. The shame of feeling like you can’t handle life like a grown-ass adult can be immense and paralyzing. But at the same time, having an actionable solution and one that you can lay out on a cost/benefit ratio may help him get over that particular hump and start the process of making his life (and yours) easier, happier and less stressful.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I have known about your site for a while and have really appreciated your advice, with some of the advice I’ve transitioned from incredibly socially awkward to having a girlfriend.

Unfortunately now I have a different issue, whether or not I should break up. I’ll spare the granular details but on a high level, girlfriend and I have been together for 2.5 years and lived together for about 6 months. In the past 6 months we’ve broken up and gotten back together about 3 times. I like to think it’s mutual love that keeps us coming back.

But the breakups get caused by arguments, where fights get toxic and escalate to a point where lines are crossed and one of us says we can’t take it anymore and we break up, only to get back together.

Every time it happens I feel a small sense of regret, as if it’s not the right thing to do. I have been doubting this relationship for 6 months and one of the main reasons is our fights get really toxic. She crossed a few lines like physical violence, insults. We have tried to address it several times but no meaningful changes have been made. I feel like I lie in wait for the next argument to see if something has changed.

I also sometimes get a longing for the single life but once we break up I feel devastated and can’t let her go. So now I’m stuck in this cycle.

How do I get out of this? Do I have to break up? Or do I need to change my mindset?

Thanks so much!

One Foot Out The Door

DEAR ONE FOOT OUT THE DOOR: First things first: Breaking up and getting back together is usually an indication that something is wrong. What that something is can vary. Sometimes there’s a fundamental but fixable conflict, like incompatible communication styles. Other times, the problem could be that you’re trying to force a relationship to follow a model that’s just not a good fit. Couples who fight like cats and dogs when they live together may find that living separately means they aren’t flint and steel in a dynamite factory.

And then there are the times when the conflict is that this relationship is over and has been for quite some time. Getting back together multiple times is more about postponing the inevitable and not accepting the issue at hand.

It can be hard to break up with someone, OFOTD, even when you know it’s what needs to happen. There’re a lot of factors that can keep us in relationships that are long past their expiration date, and a lot of them can feel like regret… even though they aren’t.

The sunk cost fallacy is a big one — if you’ve spent X number of years together, then breaking up is just like tossing all that time and energy in the trash! Another common one is simply feeling like you don’t have the right “reason” to end it. A lot of folks have stayed in relationships they actually wanted to leave because they felt like they needed a casus belli that would justify a break-up to an outside audience.

And then, of course, there’s the classic fear of being single; this in and of itself, has kept people in relationships for far longer than they should have. And in fairness, it’s an understandable anxiety. The longer you haven’t been single, the harder it is to imagine going back to that. In a very real way, your relationship has become part of your identity. Being single again would mean having to relearn who you are without your partner and build a new life after years of having shaped yours around sharing it with somebody else. That is legitimately intimidating. Hell, if you’re in a relationship for long enough, it goes from intimidating to “balls-shrinkingly terrifying”. Worse, there’s that fear of “well, what if this was my last chance at love?” “How do I learn how to date again after not having to think about it for all this time?”

But it’s important that you don’t let the fact that it’s difficult to do overshadow the “but it needs to happen” part. And honestly, OFOTD, you are well past the part the threshold of “needs to happen”. This relationship has been over for a while now. It’s shuffling along like a zombie, causing misery and pain in its wake and somebody needs to put two in its dome and put it down for good.

I’m not gonna lie; there was a point where I was ready to tell you that this was ugly but fixable. A lot of times, couples have less of a problem with the relationship per se but in how they express themselves. Every couple has fights, but some folks fight the wrong way — they fight to wound and to hurt, rather than to fix things. They may not realize that this is what they’re doing; it’s often a dynamic that they either picked up from childhood or toxic past relationships. While this can damage the relationship, it’s damage that can still be healed, as long as everybody is willing to work at it.

But then we hit the needle-scratch part of your letter:

“I have been doubting this relationship for 6 months and one of the main reasons is our fights get really toxic. She crossed a few lines like physical violence, insults.”

Nope, nuh uh, stop. Violence is hard no; crossing it once is almost always a relationship extinction event. More than once is a “peace out so fast you leave a human-shaped cloud behind” situation. Once (non-consensual) violence and insults have become part of the relationship, it’s done, it’s over, it’s a ghost and it’s time to exorcise the damn thing. The fact that you now worry about what the next fight will bring is as glaring a sign as you could want, and that sign reads “EMERGENCY EXIT”.

This isn’t a “change your mindset” situation, unless the mindset you’re changing to is “this s--t is unacceptable and it is time to pack my things and GTFO”. Or, alternately, packing her s--t, dropping it out on the step and changing the locks, depending on whose name is on the lease.

Here’s the thing, man: whether there’s love there or not is entirely besides the point. The fact that she’s gotten physically and emotionally violent is. That’s not something you tolerate or put up with, that’s the sign that you need to LEAVE. Even if — and that is a mighty f--king big if — her becoming violent is something that she can change with therapy and work, that’s work that she can do elsewhere. As in: anywhere that’s not near you.

Even if there’s a lot of mutual love, her behavior and your safety trump that. And seeing as her behavior hasn’t changed despite having addressed the issue several times, that’s as sure a sign as any that it’s time to get the f--k out.

Dump her with the quickness, OFOTD. This relationship is well past being over. Whatever regret you feel about ending it or any despair at dumping her will pass. Because the rest of the s--t you’re going through isn’t going to change. You’ve already seen that.

It’s time to put this zombie relationship down. You’ll be much, much happier in the long run.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com