DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’ve been watching a number of your videos lately, and they’ve been a great help to me so far.  However, I’m finding that I’m in a situation at the moment that I don’t think has been covered so far, and I can find very little help dealing with it specifically.

The game changer has been COVID.

Basically, early last year, I started dating a girl (we met on Tinder… Yeah, I know…) and it turned out we clicked amazingly. First date, I took her out for dessert, because I was afraid that we wouldn’t hit it off, but we really did. What should have been a 1-hr first date over ice-cream, ended up being 3 ½ hours long and we were set up immediately the next week. Our relationship went on like this really rapidly, and within a month or so, we were Facebook official. Then the s--t hit the fan, and bad things happened. Lockdown came in and were separated around 700 plus miles from each other. She had to go back to her parent house, as she couldn’t afford to pay the rent as she couldn’t work from home. We really didn’t know when we would see each other again.

At first, I thought “this is it, we’re probably going to fizzle out” turns out we didn’t! We came up with a schedule whereby we’d have ‘Netflix parties’ over the internet, watching films and shows at the same time and commenting to each other about it, and then zooming every weekend. We’d have consistent good morning and good night texts. It really felt like we were still together.

After 4 months of this purgatory, we were reunited, and everything seemed to be going ok, we finally had a lot of actual dates and day trips, but lockdown was still pretty much in place and did restrict all the things we could do. She was having to work in a new job she didn’t really enjoy, and had to put in crazy hours. I think it had a real effect on her energy and health. I noted that awkward silences had started to creep into our conversations.

One week, I’d put a plan together that were to have a dinner and movie night around my place, just a simple date to get together (due to schedules we could only see each other once or twice a week at this rate). Then the text came the day before: “we need to talk.” And that was it. I knew everything had come to an end. I was due to go out playing football that same night, but I couldn’t. As pathetic as it sounds, I collapsed. I physically hurt. We met in the park, and it all went worse than I ever expected.

We’re due to meet to pick up each other’s stuff, and I’m dreading every minute of it. As childish as it sounds, I really thought she was ‘the one’, and that I would marry this girl. I couldn’t wait to meet her family, she had wanted to meet mine earlier in the year, I just thought everything was coming together in my life.

Now, I just feel as if it’s all hopeless, I’m trying to get back into online dating again, but due to the pandemic, I feel too scared to meet people until I’m vaccinated. I loved your videos about Oneitis and how to get over it, but everything just seems to have come apart , and I can’t even go to the gym properly now!

I just feel isolated and helpless, the worst bit is that I feel like this pandemic has run down the clock on any potential future for me. I’m nearing 30, and am single without kids, I know it’s fatalistic, but I’ve gone to brimming with hope, to running on empty.

TL:DR How can I let go of who I thought was the girl of my dreams, and rebuild my confidence and hope for the future during this pandemic?

Broken Inside

DEAR BROKEN INSIDE: I’m sorry you went through this. It always sucks when you’ve got the relationship of your dreams, only to get jarred out of that dream without warning.. especially when so much of it is due to factors outside of your control.

But here’s the thing: you’ll have other dreams.

The problem you’re running into here — aside from, y’know, the pain of the break-up — is that you’re dealing with a pretty profound scarcity mentality right now. Part of what’s got you so down is that you’re treating this as though it were the last relationship you will ever have; this was the last woman you could ever love and now you’re doomed to die alone and unloved at the ripe old age of (*checks notes*) 30…

And let’s be honest: that’s not true. You feel this way because the pain is fresh and you’re treating this break up as a referendum on you as a person and honestly… it isn’t. Not in the way you think, really. What happened is that you were in a relatively young relationship — what, only a couple of months — before the difficulty setting on life got kicked up to expert mode. After having been forced into a de-facto long-distance relationship, which is hard enough as it is, you and your girlfriend reunited, only to have other life stressors hit. Something had to give… and unfortunately, that something was your relationship. And that sucks, it absolutely sucks… but sometimes life is like that.

Now it feels like you had a taste of paradise, only to have it yanked away. And look, I get it. I’ve been where you are. There was a point where I thought I’d had it all. I met a girl and things went crazy fast. I thought I had the perfect job, the perfect girlfriend and the perfect life. Then, as so often happens, it all came crashing down around me. I got fired from my perfect job and then I got dumped by my perfect girlfriend shortly afterwards and lost pretty much everything that came with both. At the time I joked that if my car broke down I’d have to learn to play guitar and start a country band… but in a very real way, it felt like I had my entire life yanked out from under me and I had to start over from scratch.

But as it turned out… all that misery was more or less what I needed. Here’s what I didn’t know at the time: that relationship was never going to work. While a lot of what happened was due to circumstances outside of my control, at the end of the day, the reason why my relationship fell apart was because, quite frankly, I wasn’t ready for it. I had a lot of growing, learning and changing to do. Even if outside forces hadn’t been at play — I hadn’t lost my job, stuff in my girlfriend’s life hadn’t happened on her end — we still would’ve broken up sooner rather than later because I wasn’t who I needed to be just yet. If things had progressed slower or I hadn’t decided that this was The One, Absolutely Perfect Relationship, then things might’ve played out differently. But they didn’t.

(Now, this story does have a happy ending; that break up ultimately put me on the path to where I am today, and my ex and I are actually good friends now. In fact, she’s probably getting a little tired how often this story ends up being relevant to the column…)

What does this mean for you? Well, it’s going to be a learning experience. Not one that you wanted, granted. But you’re going to learn a lot from this, and the things you’re going to learn are going to serve you for your next relationship.

And the most important thing you can learn right now is you’re looking at things from the wrong angle. Your ex wasn’t The One because there is no One. As awesome as she was — and I have no doubts that she was great — there are other women out there who are just as amazing, if not more so. Similarly, the fact that this relationship ended doesn’t mean that you’re doomed. It’s quite the opposite, in fact. What all of this shows is how much you’re capable of. I mean, dude. First, you met an awesome woman off Tinder, planned and executed some great dates and the two of you became an actual thing. Then, after you were forced apart by the pandemic, you kept things going for four months — and you handled it perfectly, I might add. Yeah, the stress of COVID and all the various knock-on effects exacerbated any stress points in your relationship… but that’s been happening to a lot of people right now. You lasted longer than a lot of folks did under what are unquestionably unprecedented circumstances.

But what all of this means is that the fact that you’ve found this amazing relationship is proof that you are capable of doing this again. This wasn’t some one-time fluke, BI. You didn’t find your girlfriend because the heavens aligned just right. You demonstrated that you are more than capable of meeting and dating awesome women, and when you’re ready to get back out there, you’ll be able to meet more.

So what do you do right now? Well, first, you give yourself some time to feel the f--k out of your feels. This relationship ended and that’s something that should be mourned. After a couple of weeks of letting yourself have a decent wallow, it’ll be time to get back up and start rebuilding. Start with a good old-fashioned deep clean of your place. I’m a big believer in symbolic gestures as a way of programming the brain, and there’s nothing that screams “renewal and hope” like going HAM with the steam cleaner. While you’re at it: start looking for ways to refill your dopamine reserves. Part of why you’re hurting right now is because your girlfriend was your single biggest source of dopamine. You got cut off from your happy-brain-drug dealer and now you’re in withdrawal. But she doesn’t need to be your only fix. We generate dopamine through touch, through laughter and conversation with friends and through sex. Sex may be off the table, but the others aren’t. A massage (within safe parameters), spending time with friends (distanced, outside or via Zoom)… these all help recharge your dopamine reserves and ease that sense of loss.

Then pick a project — something that will make a positive difference in your life. Maybe you’ll pick up a new hobby or start a new exercise routine. Maybe you’ll start learning a new language or learn how to cook. These not only give you something to focus on, but they help build a brighter, better future. They make you feel like you’re doing something that improves your life, something that’ll give you a leg up once you’ve got your shots and you’re ready to start stepping out into society again. Because you will have a future. This isn’t the end. It’s not even the beginning of the end.

It’s just the end of the beginning.

You’re going through some hard times, but these are times that can help you become who you need to be. Just as long as you make sure you’re learning the right lessons from all of this. Because like I said my dude: you did far better than you realize. Your success before means that you can succeed again.

There will be other women and there will be other dreams. And this time, you’ll be in a much better position to handle what life throws at you.

You’ve got this.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: My girlfriend and I are are best friends who started dating right after high-school — having graduated just recently. Everything is amazing. Sure we have a day when the one of use can annoy the other, but generally everything is just bliss. I love being around her and she loves being around me, we also share a lot of interests which is why we were such good friends before we started dating.

Now this question might seem a little of the blue but here it goes….

She is my first girlfriend, and things are just amazing as stated above. We both agree on how we want to go forward with our lives, from how we would raise our kids to parenting styles and a type of wedding. This is probably the section where you sigh and shake your head, which is why I’m asking this question.

Can young love really stand the test of time, or are they bound to fail because of a lack of experience and knowledge outside of the relationship.

Unfortunately the only thing that has given me hints on how it turns out is movies and TV which is that it really does not turn out well. So could you explain how my worries are unjustified and explain how so, or tell me the likelihood of people who try the same thing and fail. 

— Total Noob

P.S. Friends have stated that they think its a little odd thinking this way about my first relationship, adding to my need to ask this question

DEAR TOTAL NOOB: This is one of those times where I feel like I need the disclaimer that just because you ask for my advice doesn’t mean you’re going to necessarily like what I’m gonna say.

That’s why this is called “advice” and not “binding arbitration”; you’re free to think I’m full of s--t — I frequently am — and that there’s no way I could understand what you and your girlfriend have.

But here it goes anyway:

You and your girlfriend are barely out of high-school. You don’t say if you’ve started college yet, or if things have been put off by, y’know, everything, but honestly, you’re close enough that I feel that my general advice about dating in high-school is still relevant: don’t stress about it. Whether you’ve got a high-school sweetheart (or two, or three) or if you didn’t date at all, dating in high-school isn’t something to take all that seriously.

Why? Because to start with, you don’t know who the hell you are when you’re in high-school. With very few exceptions, you’re living almost entirely in an artificial reality with no real responsibilities or real-world experience. It’s a time when everyone’s confused, everyone’s lost, nobody knows how to handle all the weirdness and feelings they’re dealing with and everyone thinks it’s far more important and significant than it actually is, because nearly a century of pop culture makes high-school seem like the alpha and omega of existence. And it’s not.

Plus, more often than not, graduating means that you’re off to a place where you’re supposed to explore and experiment with your identity and discover new experiences. Trying to start college with a relationship is frequently a recipe for drama and heartache and the ignominy of breaking up over text or Skype.

Straight talk, Noob: you’re 18, 19 at a stretch. Under the best of circumstances, you’re way too goddamn young to be thinking about things like marriage.

(To be honest, I think most people are too young to be thinking about marriage when they’re in their mid-20s, but that’s neither here nor there.)

This is not a time to be thinking about marriage and children. You should be spending more time thinking about where you’re going to score fake ids and primo weed and finding the side-hustle that’ll mean you’re able to pay for said fake ID and primo weed — not to mention books, classes… y’know. The important stuff.

Making even half-serious plans for kids and weddings… well it’s all great fun and it can feel exciting, but you simply don’t have the life experience to make it a good idea. Certainly not without a hell of a lot of support from your family and community.

Now can young love or a first relationship survive? Yes, technically speaking. You have the same odds that everyone else has, which is to say that every relationship you will ever be in will end… until one doesn’t and you die in the metaphorical saddle. But the cold hard truth is that some relationships are more likely to go the distance than others.

Is this the one that’s going to beat the odds?

Well, I’m going to be bluntly honest with you Noob: I kind of doubt it. You’re heading into college, which will be throwing all sorts of new trials and temptations your way. Even if the two of you are planning on going to the same school, I think you’re going to find that you’ll be drifting apart in short order through no fault of your own. This, in all likelihood, is going to be the first time you and your girlfriend have ever had a life outside of the immediate control of your parents, and you’re going to be trying new things, having new experiences and realizing that who you are and who you THOUGHT you were are two very different things.

And come on. You don’t want to be That Guy. You know. The one who peaked 17, married his high-school sweetheart and ended up as manager of a dodgy used-car dealership and dreams about the glory days in high-school.

Even if you’re not planning on college, you’re still facing down a life that you have no frame of reference for yet. It’s nice to have a partner in crime, but I think you’re going to find that this isn’t necessarily going to be a love to last the ages.

But hey, I could be wrong! God knows I have been before.

That being said, even if that’s the case: that doesn’t mean that this relationship will FAIL. A relationship ending isn’t the same as failing. If this relationship ends and you and your girlfriend still have affection for each other — you may even be good friends — and respect for one another and you look at your relationship with fondness… that’s a VERY successful relationship in my book.

Now, my advice — which, let’s be fair, you don’t have to take — is to take a mutual break. Enjoy college. Sample everything life has to offer for a few years and get a good grasp on who you are and what the future holds for you.

At that point, not only will you have a better grasp of who you are, you’ll be in a much better position to make this relationship work in the long term.

If the two of you are meant to be – if this IS a love that can beat the odds – then it’ll still be meant to be after you have your bachelor’s degree.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: Let’s start this off with I screwed up… I screwed up massively.  I’m 23, I got married a year and half ago to a man from the US and I’m from Canada. The distance was always an issue but we made due. Meaning he lead me on to believe he was moving until 6 months ago. Then I began the prep work from me to move to him. He started ignoring me, literately no answer to texts, phones or messages. And being shoved away like that, I ended up doing the unthinkable. I cheated.

Then I made it even worse, I told my husband. So he completely ignored me. I ended up showing up at his doorstep. Everything was rocky. Good then bad, back and forth. Eventually, he decided that me being there a week was enough time for us to try again, he wants to send me on my way to “see how he feels without me” It’s been a month, I think that it should have been enough time to come to some answer.

On top of all this, the guy I cheated with wants some sort of relationship and I haven’t exactly made it clear that I don’t want that, but I have made it clear who comes first (My husband). So Dr. NerdLove… What the frig do I do?

The Other, Other Woman

DEAR THE OTHER, OTHER WOMAN: I have a lot of questions, starting with “you got married while still long distance?” How the hell was THAT going to work?

Not that it matters, honestly because, well, I hate to say it, TOO, but you’ve got your answer right in front of you: you end things.

This, I hate to say, was not a relationship that was ever going to go the distance. Leaving aside the whole “got married while still living separately” part — which is still leaving me with questions — you were in a long-distance relationship a guy who clearly wasn’t trustworthy. LDRs are difficult enough in and of themselves, but you were in one with a guy who made all sorts of promises to move to be with you, and clearly never intended to.

Then, once you started making concrete plans to pull up stakes and immigrating to the US, he went radio silent on you.

I’m sorry, but that really should’ve been the sign that nothing was right here. A guy who makes promises that he never intends to keep and who ices you out when you take the initiative to fulfill those promises is a guy who is demonstrably NOT marriage material… or any kind of material really.

Maybe landfill material. If you compost him properly first.

Quite frankly, I’m not terribly surprised that you cheated, and honestly, I think it was justified. I’m willing to give you a pass on that, even if I think you should’ve just dumped him so hard his grandparents divorced retroactively.

Hell, I’m not even that surprised that you told him. Let’s be honest, just you, me and the entire Internet: you really just wanted to get some sort of reaction out of him. But unfortunately, the reaction you got was… nothing. Which, again, is not a good indicator of the long-term viability of this relationship. Anger, hurt, confusion… any of these would at least have been a sign that he cared, at least a little. But instead, he just continued to ignore you.

Showing up on his doorstep made sure he couldn’t ignore you but it didn’t solve anything, did it?

Now, do you know why?

I hate to say it, but the cold hard truth is that your relationship’s already over and it’s been over for a while.

(STILL not getting past the whole “got married while living separately in separate countries” thing. Was this a drunken quickie-wedding with Elvis in Vegas?)

The only reason why it’s been hard to accept that this is over — and has been over for quite some time — is because your hubby just doesn’t seem to have the balls to actually take steps like, say, hiring a lawyer or actually filing for divorce. Maybe he was hoping that you would do the work for him. Maybe he doesn’t think your marriage is “real”. Maybe he seemed to be under the impression that a citizen’s divorce is a thing and if he just pretends you’re not there, it’ll take kick in.

In the end, what he’s thinking doesn’t make a lick of difference because it all comes down to a fundamental truth: he’s a douchebag. The best thing you can do right now is to do yourself a favor and hire a good divorce lawyer who is experienced in international marriages. Hell, maybe you can get the whole thing annulled and then YOU can pretend it never happened and shove this entire incident down the memory hole. Because, quite frankly, forgetting you were ever involved with this guy in the first place is the treatment he deserves. He tried to ignore you, you forget he ever existed in the first place. Seems fair to me.

Just don’t make the mistake of running back to your man on the side either. He may have caught feelings for you, but that’s no better. He’s not a potential relationship, he’s the tool you were using to try to get a reaction out of your husband.

Take some time off from relationships, recover, see what your legal options are when it comes to whether you can (or even want to) stay in the states versus heading back to Canada.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com