DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: This is absolutely the first time I’ve ever heard of you, but I read a few articles and thought, ‘Wow, I hope he’ll answer mine,’ because, while the articles I’ve already read do speak to some of the issues I’m having, I don’t think they speak to most of the issues themselves.

Let me explain. I’m 24, fairly attractive, gay, and recently just graduated with a masters degree. I feel as if, logically, I shouldn’t have a problem finding a partner. That’s really what I want, a partner to settle down with and possibly raise a family. I want to put down roots and be happy. I see it going on around me every single day, my friends and a lot of my former classmates are all getting engaged, getting married, starting families, and I (like always) am left out on the fringes of it all.

So, since I broke things off with my incredibly toxic ex in January 2020, I’ve found myself in a cycle that goes something like this: 1) I meet a guy online (that’s really the only way to meet other gay or bisexual men in my area); 2) both sides develop some kind of interest; 3) we set a date to do something together in person; and then 4) I either get rejected outright (which isn’t very frequent) or ghosted by the guy in question (which is very frequent).

It’s really starting to hammer down on my self-esteem and self-worth. If I do get rejected outright, then I’m consistently told something along the lines that I’m “too much,” “something else,” “ugly,” or whatever else fits their fancy in order to get me to stop talking to them. I don’t understand why I can never win when it comes to dating. I’ve been in situations with other guys who are pushy, persistent, and outright annoying, so I try my best not to be like them, yet somehow that’s how I’m getting described when I feel like I’m just putting my best foot forward and making a good effort.

I feel like I should also mention that I have a suspicion these guys tell me exactly what I want to hear just so they can f--k me, but I don’t know how to change that. I’ve tried being more direct and intentional. Nothing works.

Stressed the f--k out,

A Troubled Soul

DEAR A TROUBLED SOUL: Alright ATS, I’m going to say all of this with the obvious caveat: I’m a cis straight guy. I’m not going to necessarily have the same perspective as someone who’s gay or dates within the queer community, which means that there’s always going to be angles or aspects that I may miss. Take my advice with all relevant amounts of salt.

So, I’m going to pull the curtain back a bit on the whole “dating advice” biz and tell you something a lot of advice columnists and dating coaches won’t: it’s really difficult to answer the question of  “why am I getting rejected so often?” The problem — from the advice-giving end — is that, unless we follow you around like a date-seeking Richard Attenborough documentary, it’s hard to give a definitive answer.

(Incidentally, producers, I’m totally down for this. Call me!)

And even then, it’s going to be a relatively limited answer, because we will have only seen that small sliver of your life… or those of your prospective matches, for that matter. Without full 8k, sensurround data of both your internal narrative and everyone else’s and watching every second from some social panopticon… we’re only going to be able to give best and informed guesses.

This, incidentally is 60% of the reason why so much dating advice is so generic and unhelpful; people want to say something that isn’t “f--ked if I know”, but they don’t have anything useful, insightful or actionable, and so they default to either feel-good rah-rah smoke or something do broadly applicable that it’s almost meaningless.

The remaining 40% is split between wanting to just exit the conversation as quickly as possible and “I dunno… maybe you’re acting like an asshole?”

Now that having been said: here’s my best guess based on what you’ve given me to work with.

The first issue isn’t an issue, so much as a mindset: the assumption that logic comes into dating at all. If relationships were at all logical, I’d be out of a job. As the wise man once said: love isn’t brains, it’s blood screaming for you to work its will. There will always be people who seem like they have everything that would make them a perfect match on paper, and yet they still struggle… often for reasons that have nothing to do with them or that they can affect. Is that fair? Is it logical? No… but it is what it is. Adjusting your expectations accordingly helps you understand how much of dating can be a numbers game, particularly when you’re dealing with apps.

Now the second issue may well be your age and what you want from a relationship. You’re young, my dude; even if it doesn’t feel like it to you, you’re still taking those early steps out into the world… and so are so many of your peers. You’re at a stage where a sizable proportion of your peers are more interested in f--king around than finding out. A lot of people at 24 are less interested in anything long term than either dating around or short term serial-monogamy. If you’re already on the marriage-kids-white-picket-fence-in-the-suburbs track, then you may be having a harder time finding guys your age who are also looking for that. And this isn’t a straight/gay/pan thing… it tends to be a guy thing. As Jenna Birch points out in her book The Love Gap, a lot of guys tend to progress in a linear fashion: they feel like they have to hit their achievements in sequential order before they’re “ready” to start dating seriously. That tends to mean “getting to a certain point in their careers”, “achieving X place in life” and so on… which often doesn’t come around until their late 20s or later.

(Would it make more sense to work on some of those in parallel instead? Yes, of course it would. Would it make even more sense to realize that they don’t need to be at 6th level before they unlock the “steady relationship” feat? Of course. But remember what I said about the place logic and sense has in this…)

So part of what you’re bumping into is simply the people you’re most interested in dating have different priorities right now… priorities that, unfortunately, clash with yours.

Now this ties into a potential third issue: demographics. You mention that you live in a place where the only reliable way to meet gay, bi or pan men is via dating apps. Men who sleep with men are already a relatively small portion of the general population; you might be in a place where they’re a fraction of a fraction. If that’s the case, then that can contribute to having a more difficult time finding guys who want the same kind of relationship you do. In areas with larger gay populations, the odds of finding folks who are on the same track as you tilts more in your favor, just by dint of sheer numbers. But if you’re in an area where the local LGBTQ community is split amongst three or four towns within driving distance of one another, then you have a smaller pool of potential candidates.

The fourth potential issue is a little thornier… in part because we only have your perspective to go on. You say that the guys who reject you directly tell you that “you’re too much” or what-not, presumably to get you to drop it and go away. The problem here is that whatever they tell you may or may not be accurate. What, exactly does “too much”  mean, in this case? Are you being too pushy and not taking “no” — or “being ghosted” — for an answer? Is it that you have a strong, even overbearing personality and they just don’t vibe with it? Are you particularly campy in an area where the local gay and bi men are more straight-presenting? Or is it that you want something more settled and heteronormative and most of the guys you’re running into on the apps just don’t?

It’s impossible to say, and if we’re all being honest… the guys rejecting you may well not be able to say, either. This is one of the reasons why I tell guys that asking the people who reject them what they did wrong isn’t helpful. A lot of times, the person who rejected you either isn’t going to tell you the truth… or they may well not know themselves. A lot of times, people honestly think it’s one thing when, with time and perspective, they realize that it was something else entirely.

Now that having been said: you say you suspect that a lot of guys are, in the run-up to the date, are telling you what you want to hear in order to get into your pants. Unfortunately, that’s a common issue. A lot of men across the sexuality spectrum tend to cling to a philosophy of “man, the s--t I’ll say to get laid,” where they will put on whatever facade it takes to get up in someone. Part of the issue you’re dealing with may be that you aren’t looking for a short-term hook-up… but other dudes are. If the guys you’re talking to are only interested in getting laid, finding another guy who’s also up for it means less work than trying to wine you and dine you until they can get what they want… and so they ghost like Walter Peck shut down the containment field.

The frustrating thing about all of this is that there’re relatively few actionable things to take away from this besides “keep trying” and “maybe consider looking in places where the demographics are more in your favor.”You could dial back the aspects of trying to get answers from folks who just aren’t into you… but if you’re not compatible in the first place, that’s not going to change their minds and make them decide that they are looking for someone to settle down with. Hell, you could be doing everything right and it could just be “look, you want X, everyone around you wants Y”.  As the saying goes: it’s possible to commit no mistakes and still lose.

You could change what you’re looking for and accept the short-term, less, committed types, but that probably won’t make you happy. You can keep beating your head against this particular wall and frustrate yourself while you wait for your peers to get to the point where they’re ready for something more committed… but that’s not going to change much.

What I suggest for now — at least for the short term — is to de-prioritize dating for a while. You say that this is starting to hammer on your self-esteem; taking a break will go a long way towards giving you time to recover. After all, if it keeps hurting when you do something, it’s often a good idea to stop doing it.

This isn’t to say that you should give up on dating or finding someone… just that you may need to get off the apps and give some room for serendipity while you focus on the things that feed your soul and make your life awesome. This is one of the reasons why I recommend building your social circle; it gives you more opportunities to meet people through your day to day life — people who are more likely to be compatible with you and your long-term relationship goals — than swiping regularly.

And here’s one more thing to keep in mind, my dude: you’re young. You’re not even vaguely close to “running out of time”; you’ve got literal decades ahead of you. While I get the “want this now” impulse, this may be a case where patience is going to be your best virtue. One of the things that people your age and in your situation often don’t realize is that the whole 18-24 demographic isn’t prime relationship time. More often than not, you still have a lot of learning and self-discovery coming down the line; the things you prioritize in your mid 20s change when you hit your 30s. And while I know it feels like everyone else is coupling up and starting families… that doesn’t mean you’re the last one out, nor that you need to be on their timeline. Take a deep breath, let it out slowly and just prepare to commit to yourself and your awesome life for now. Let the dating apps be something you do briefly during downtime; if you match with someone, great, if not, no great loss.

Give yourself some time for your self-esteem to recover and your peers to catch up. It’s frustrating now, but it won’t be forever.

And if you need to improve your odds of finding someone righthehellnownownow… well, that’s when looking at larger metropolitan areas may be a better idea for you.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: My early 30’s niece told me last night that she’s bisexual. She also told me she’s involved with a couple (M&F). Apparently she told her mom (my only sister) a couple months ago, and their relationship has been strained since. My sis has not told me this because, well, it’s not my business, but also because my niece is very private and has reacted angrily to her mom telling me about even simple things (her being furloughed at the beginning of the pandemic, for example).

When my niece told me (by phone) I did not verbally react despite my feeling of ‘O.M.G!’ I love her dearly, always will, and I want her to always know I’m here for her. But I’d be lying if I said I don’t have weird feelings about this (I didn’t tell her that). 

I do not consider myself to be homophobic. But I did find this news shocking and it’s taking me a minute to process it. I think it’s more about learning something different about someone I’ve known since the day she was born. She’s never given me any indication she was bisexual. She has a child and has had long-term relationships with men. And honestly, I don’t have a problem with it. I’m just really surprised.

And if I feel this way, I can imagine how my sis feels (though in fairness, idk if this is the first time she’s become aware of her daughter’s sexuality). To be honest, my sis is a little homophobic. That said, I assure you this will not be a case of family banishment from my sis. My sister loves her daughter and she will always be welcomed and loved. The rest of their family accepts it and has no issues with it. It may sound like I’m giving my sis a pass, but I know my sister and our family history. My brother was estranged from our family for years and it hurt us (including my parents) deeply. My sis does not want that for her family. 

I said all that for some context. I’m writing because I have a few concerns.

1. What if my niece wants to talk to me about it again? I’ve assured her that her mom loves her and will come around. And she agrees with that. My concern is that I don’t know if it’s fair for me to give the impression that I think this should be easy to process when I’m struggling a bit with it myself. I have no intention of trying to change her or give her a hard time. But is it wrong to be struggling with this a little? Am I homophobic? I’m not a member of the LGBTQIA community so I’m not sure how this would be received. I’ve seen where some think that anything less than complete unquestioning acceptance from moment #1 is reason for completely cutting people off. While I don’t believe in judging or attempting to alter other people, I don’t think it’s terrible to admit to struggling with something as long as I’m willing to be open-minded. Everybody’s different. It can take time to get used to a ‘new normal’. 

2. I gotta admit, couples having a girlfriend/boyfriend provokes a real ick response in me. There’s a couple reasons for this. One involves just my personal preferences, so it’s not relevant to this matter. The second reason is that I feel there’s risk to the third participant. My feeling is that the couple was established prior to meeting the third party, and so their allegiance is to each other first and foremost. If one or both parties were to develop malicious intents, it would effectively be two against one. Put simply, I’m worried about my niece’s safety: sexual, physical, emotional and mental.

The ick response for me is genuine, but I realize a big part of my worry for her safety is due to an experience I had many years ago. A boyfriend convinced me to engage in a threesome with another woman. I really didn’t want to, but I was young and wanted desperately to please him. So I did. It did not go well. Long story short: she also thought she was ‘The Girlfriend’ and that I was the ‘woman’ being invited to engage with them. She didn’t know we’d been dating and screwing for a while already. She found out that night. Yeah. He and I continued seeing each other. Although things didn’t turn violent that night (no, really), things did eventually turn violent. No one was seriously injured but it could’ve been worse. But what I remember most was the emotional damage. They aligned against me. To realize that my (very real) feelings didn’t matter was devastating. While I was ‘a girlfriend’, she was ‘THE girlfriend’. (He definitely wasn’t worth the drama but I was too inexperienced and insecure to realize it at the time.)

So those are my two quandaries. If she doesn’t elicit my opinion about her mom’s reaction, I won’t say anything. She’s very sensitive and has been known to hold hard grudges for a lonnnnngg time (yet she calls her mom stubborn without a hint of irony). But if she does, should I be honest? I want to be honest mostly to make the point that taking time to process something doesn’t equate to rejection. And should I voice my concerns about her safety? I mentioned the importance of safety during our conversation, but should I revisit it? Would I just be projecting?

I want to give my niece and my sister as much love and support as needed. I believe I can do both but I’m worried about my own feelings getting in the way.

— Loving Sister & Aunt

DEAR LOVING SISTER AND AUNT: Well, first things first, LSA: you say you didn’t react verbally, but I hope you told your niece that you love her and you’re proud of her. Considering the rest of your letter, I’m going to assume that you did; that seems pretty in keeping with you and your feelings about your niece.

Now let’s talk about your worries for a minute.

First of all: it’s certainly possible that you’re wrestling with a little homophobia. I mean, for the leaps and bounds that society has made in our love and acceptance of LGBTQ people, we’ve all been swimming in a culture that has spent literal centuries demonizing queer folks. I’m old enough to remember when the president and his press secretary laughed and cracked jokes about gay people dying of AIDS. It wasn’t that long ago that someone being gay or trans was an acceptable punchline for a joke in blockbuster movies that everyone went to see. And frankly, there’s still a lot of homophobia and transphobia out there; just look at the moral panic over trans kids in sports or using the bathroom and the way the GOP has made trans rights the latest front in the culture war.

Unfortunately cultural absorption is a motherf--ker and it can be hard to uproot all the last bits of bulls--t that it instilled in you… especially when it leaps up seemingly out of nowhere.

But I suspect the bigger reason for your reaction isn’t because she’s bi but because you’re having to adjust your mental image of your niece. You’ve spent her entire life seeing her in one particular light and now that you have this new information, you’re having to go back and retroactively adjust everything. So you’re having complicated and uncomfortable feelings, in no small part because you’re examining what you know and wondering if there’s something you missed. How is it possible that you didn’t know this critical aspect about your niece? Well… rather easily, honestly. We’re not perfect observers, and we regularly miss things that, with the benefit of time and perspective, feel like they should’ve been glaringly obvious. But they weren’t; they only are obvious in retrospect. Life isn’t a carefully crafted puzzle-box movie where the clues are all there if you just pay attention. It’s messy, chaotic, and there’s often s--t that not only did we miss, but so did the people who are living through it.

So I think it’s fair to say that you’re just having complex feelings about things as you start to update your mental definition of who your niece is. And that will pass, especially as you continue to talk to your niece and see that this is another facet of who she is. It may take a bit while you put that knowledge into muscle memory, but you’ll get there.

But I suspect another part of why you’re having complex feelings is the fact that your niece is also polyamorous and evidently a unicorn — that is, a bi or pan woman who is interested in sleeping with or dating a heterosexual couple.

And to be fair: I can understand your worry, especially based on the manipulative bulls--t your boyfriend pulled on you. That’s a s--tty thing to have gone through and I’m sorry it happened to you. However, one of the things that’s worth keeping in mind is the difference between what he did to you and what your niece is doing. Your boyfriend had been lying to you and, apparently, his other girlfriend. He was a cheating piece of s--t who dragged you into a situation under false pretenses and then dropped you like a cigarette butt. Your niece, on the other hand is in a non-monogamous relationship and (presumably) knew the dynamic going in. That’s a very different situation than the one you faced.

You also don’t know any details of their relationship, outside of “it exists” and “the others were an established couple before she started dating them”. You don’t know what sort of discussions they’ve had, what sort of poly they practice (and trust me, the number of polyamorous arrangements out there would require a spreadsheet, charts and infographics to document them fully) or even who initiated things. You don’t know, for example, whether she was the one who brought up being part of a triad, rather than being lured in, Svengali-like.  Yes, she may be the secondary partner and someone else may be the primary partner… or she might end up becoming the primary. I’ve seen that happen with people in open marriages. Alternately, it may be a relationship-anarchy model, where everyone is of roughly equal importance.

Could she get hurt, manipulated or excluded by the couple? Of course. But getting hurt, excluded or manipulated isn’t exclusive to non-monogamy; plenty of folks in committed, monogamous relationships get hurt by toxic, s--tty people. That’s just one of the risks of dating and making yourself vulnerable to someone else.

And just as importantly: your niece isn’t some babe in the woods, some lost lamb being naively lead away by a salivating coyote. She’s in her 30s. While your worry is understandable, she’s well old enough to take care of herself and has been for quite some time.

What do you do going forward? Well, let your niece know you love her, approve of her and you’re proud of her. Tell her you want her to be happy and you hope that she’s taking care of herself. If she wants to know why it took you a bit to tell her you were cool with things, let her know that it was just a matter of processing unexpected information, not disapproval. And if you want to jumpstart the process of letting her know that everything’s cool… make the first move yourself. You don’t need to call her up and say “Just FYI, I love you and accept you” — though it certainly wouldn’t hurt — but treating her the same way you did before she came out to you will be a pretty strong signal that things aren’t strained.

As for her triad… it may help ease your worries to let your niece explain things, to the extent that she’s comfortable doing so. It may also help if you do your own research about polyamory and non-monogamy. I’d recommend checking out “Opening Up” by Tristan Taormino, “The Ethical Slut” by Janet W. Hardy and Dossie Easton and “Building Open Relationships” by Dr. Liz Powell  as starting points for understanding how ethically non-monogamous relationships work.

(Full disclosure: Dr. Liz is a friend and frequent collaborator and guest expert in this column)

But more than anything else: she’s a grown-ass woman. You have to trust her to know how to take care of herself, to handle her own affairs and to be able to get through any potential bumps and dings on the road of life.

So give yourself a minute to process, then call up your niece and just say “so… what’s up?”

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’m a 30-year old professional nerd/gamer-but-it’s-complicated woman who’s read your column for years for both the advice and the comments. I was wondering if you could help shed some light on an issue I’ve had ever since I started trying to date.

Although I’ve always looked to date men who are nerdy and similarly invested into the hobbies I am, I inevitably end up feeling we have nothing in common, because the “way” they enjoy their lives is too different from the way I enjoy mine. For example, the main way I show my appreciation for games and shows is by analyzing character interactions and relationships, discussing them with close friends, and using them as inspiration for creating fan content. In contrast, my male dates just talk about the challenge of games or the spectacle of action, often focusing on their multiplayer win-loss ratios, tales of hijinx with friends, or talking about tough game challenges they beat. Although I do understand having pride in your skills, and there’s indie/roguelike games I’ve spent way too long on, that’s not a topic that interests me when talking to other people-who-I-want-to-date.

“I beat Pokemon Gold with a Magikarp!”

“That’s cool! But that says little about who you are as a person… and I could just watch a YouTube video of that?”

I think another element of it is that traditionally, “female oriented fandom” which produces fanworks, shares personal experiences and headcanons about characters, and generally indulges in the creativity I enjoy, has been looked down as being silly or “fake fans” by male nerds because they don’t focus on hardcore skill. This naturally makes it harder for me to change the topic to “but, cool s--t aside, who did you ship in the cast of characters? I really enjoyed the emotional arc this guy went through…”, and I end up nodding and smiling through dates as a result. Even when I do change the conversation to character interactions successfully, the level of discussion I’ve gotten has been very surface-level and “Oh, I loved Asuka because she was just doing her best, and I like tsunderes.”

Doc, I want to be able to share my experiences with the person I date and have a supportive mutual rapport with them, but I don’t know how to get it. I don’t want to date non-nerds (who I have even less in common with), but dating nerds has been an exercise in frustration and being reminded that my way of enjoying things is “wrong” because it’s feminine. In about 20 years of nerddom, I have found one single male friend who is just as happy to talk about fictional character relationships as I am, and I can’t date him for other reasons. So it would be easier if I dated women who shared my experiences… but I’m pretty sure I’m not attracted to them.

Do you have any advice, or perspective from the male side? Any suggestions would be appreciated.

Thanks,

Fangirl Filter

DEAR FANGIRL FILTER: This is a common issue a lot of female geeks have: guys who want a geek girlfriend… but one who is geeky the exact same way they are. Part of the problem has been the deliberate segmentation of the market in the late 80s and early 90s; boys were seen as being an easier market to reach,  were more prone to be early adopters and show more interest in action and tech-oriented activities, including computer and console gaming, in no small part because of decades of sexism that made women unwelcome in STEM fields. Despite women having been in fandom and geek communities since before the 20th century, geek culture has been marketed as male culture and male-coded activities have been treated as dominant or superior, with the female versions being seen as lesser somehow.

(Ironically enough, things like coding and computation were seen as female-coded responsibilities and delegated to secretaries and the typing pool… until computers started to become more and more important. At this point, men claimed it as their domain and put up a sign saying “no girls allowed”…)

As a result, you have a lot of guys who are geeks, but who engage in their fandom and their interests in a very particular way. Moreover, the geek or gamer identity is literally marketed to them as being about consumption rather than how you interact with the things you love. They’re “gamers” because of the specific games they play and the way they play them. The isolation and societal exclusion becomes a mark of pride; they, ironically, recreate the very social hierarchies and behaviors that excluded them in the first place, just with them on top. It becomes less of a matter of exclusion than of exclusivity. Their accomplishments become the marker of their worth. Hence you get people losing their goddamn minds over, say, a game having an optional mode to lower the difficulty, making it more accessible to others. How can you be special for beating a Souls game when anyone could? How special could their hobby be if anyone could access it without having to “prove” their worth by “gittin gud”?

But the problem — for them, at least — is that capitalism knows no loyalty. Women, especially in the 18-35 range — have long been an economically desirable demographic and they have never stopped being interested in geeky things. Where there is money to be had, there are vested financial interests in catering to the people who have that money, and so traditionally “male” marketed properties and activities have been moving to expand their reach and be more inclusive. But with change comes conflict; the expansion of the market to previously underserved audiences has led to men who mistakenly think women are “invading” what is supposed to be “their” space, rather than no no longer being the sole focus of the market. And it’s led to issues like the ones you face: trying to connect with people who interact with their passions in a completely different way. And unfortunately, the difference in how people interact with their passions and with fandom leads to inadvertent moments of bouncing off each other; it’s akin to cats and dogs wondering why the other doesn’t understand them.

Case in point: the guy who is proud of having beaten Pokemon Gold with Magikarp is trying to impress you with his mighty e-peen; he has accomplished these legendary deeds that mark him as one of the elite. This, in his social circle, is a significant and meaningful accomplishment. And to be fair: it is difficult and requires an investment of his time and effort.

(Without even evolving it to Gyarados? Freaking masochist…)

But the problem is that value is subjective; that may be something that marks him as high-status amongst his friends, but it’s not something that matters to you. You don’t interact with your interests the same way, you don’t value that sort of accomplishment the way he does. As a result: you have this disconnect: you’re both geeks, but your geekiness doesn’t mesh the way it would need to, in order to spark your interest.

Now, the good news is that while this difference is common… it’s not universal. There are men who get more into the social or interpersonal aspects of their interests, men who dig the characterization and relationships over Doing Cool S--t In The Game or what-have-you. The trick is finding them.

So how do you go about doing that?

Well, as I’m always fond of saying: you want to go where the people you want to date are more likely to hang out. When it comes to men who are more open to the way you interact with your geeky interests, it can help to focus on games or media that lend themselves more to the way you geek out. Narrative heavy games — tabletop RPGs like Vampire or Mage, video games like Persona or Mass Effect and the like — are more likely to have folks who like relationships and in-depth character analysis. Fans of podcasts or Twitch shows like Critical Role, The Adventure Zone, LA By Night are, likewise, more likely to appreciate the story and relationships of the characters, rather than Doing Cool S--t. Yeah, Caleb blowing dudes away with a well-timed fireball is awesome, but most of the Critters are there for the moments of Beau trying to talk him through his PTSD.

The same goes for people who tend to be on the more creative side of things. Writers and artists with a geeky bent tend to be more invested in the relationships or character development — even graphic artists who love drawing dramatic and exciting scenes tend to think about the story behind whatever they’re depicting on screen or canvas. And while you’ll still find people who think things like fanfic are “girly” or “pointless”, you’re much more likely to find people who are, at the very least, open to the sort of things you’re into.

It’s also worth noting that it can be worth your time to talk to non-nerds. While having interests in common is good in general, you don’t need to be into the exact same things to make a relationship work. As you’ve seen, just being a geek doesn’t mean you’re gonna work as a couple. By that same token, a guy not being an active geek doesn’t automatically mean you two can’t click. You don’t need to share all the same interests, you want someone who can at least understand why you like the things you like and respect them. It’s also worth noting that more people are at least geek curious than you’d realize. Geek culture is mainstream culture  these days; you can’t swing a stick without hitting a Marvel or DC property these days. The CW is 90% genre programming, and the must-see, cultural conversations these days focus on shows like Falcon and the Winter Soldier, Shadow and Bone, Warrior, Wandavision, The Nevers, etc. Someone who can understand why “On your left…” or “I’m still worthy!” can provoke an emotional reaction out of people is someone who is more likely to be open to checking out Nausicaa and the Valley of the Wind or Carole and Tuesday.

Yeah, this may mean that you’d have to look a little further afield than usual or diversifying where you spend your time. But by focusing on areas and social groups that are more in line with your flavor of geekiness, you’re much more likely to find folks who engage with them in ways that are compatible with you. Or you might find a non-geek who might be interested in checking out some of the stuff you enjoy too.

It can take some doing… but as the saying goes: nobody said it’d be easy, just that it’s worth it.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com