DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: My husband suggested recently we move to a cheaper city so we could buy a house in cash, free and clear. He also detests this area for a number of reasons, homelessness, high cost of living, etc. But the way I look at it, it would disrupt a pretty good situation we have right now, and there are other options that he refuses to consider.

We rent in a major west coast city with our adolescent daughter and two dogs. Cost of living is exorbitant and since I started my own firm it’s been a struggle to survive financially, but we have a very large reserve to tap for a few years. Also my firm is starting to show success and I’m seeing life at the end of the tunnel.

My husband has a decent contract with local government, loves his manager and has a good opportunity to get a full time job with excellent benefits. Finding a job he likes has been a major struggle the 14 years we’ve been married so the fact he loves management is huge.

Our daughter is thriving at her middle school where she’s one of the top students and beloved by many there. The school navigated the pandemic very well and our daughter made some very close friends.

So I was stunned when my husband became committed to leaving this area ASAP because he “hates what this area represents”, seeing how many people struggle with housing (he works with the homeless). I’ve tried my best to come up with alternatives:

Move later, once my firm is stable enough to make a decent monthly income. He says that may never happen and he doesn’t trust that I’ll move if it is successful.

He moves first, buys a house, either a) with our daughter or b) without our daughter and we’ll move later. That would require my finding a cheap apartment. Again he says we should stay together and he doesn’t trust I’ll move and/or having two homes defeats the purpose of saving money.

I move first to establish my firm and he stay with our daughter here. Again we’re split up and two locations.

Find a cheaper place here but it would not be as nice as we could get in another city. But this doesn’t work because he hates the area.

My husband says I’m unwilling to compromise because his true dream is to move to Europe where he’s from but will stay in the US since I can’t run my firm from there for regulatory reasons (otherwise I’d explore it). Since I don’t want to close my firm, his compromise is staying in the US. He’s furious with me for not making a definitive answer quickly and I admit I’m all over the place, saying maybe it would work and then changing my mind when I think about how:

He’d have to quit and get a new job which he’s not good at doing.

We have limited health insurance due to his contract situation but we’d have no health insurance if we move.

He only has a network in our current home city and that took him ages to cultivate since he’s introverted

His distrusting me, saying I’m not working with him and that I won’t “prove my love to risk” a move.

That he has sacrificed too much by moving here to be with me and now it’s my turn.

My issue is not the moving part, it’s the timing and his attitude—all or nothing but seems to be characterizing me as the selfish one.

Do I risk it? Am I being too fearful? The ironic point of it is that he’s recommending towns where I have lots of relationships and could possibly build a client base (although premature). I’m likely to be the best off after a move but adding an unemployed, angry husband who doesn’t trust me and a teen who is totally against moving makes it less interesting.

He’s flipped out since our discussion that went really wrong since he won’t believe I’m willing to compromise and because I throw out different options he sees that as stalling. It ended with some really awful things said.

What do I do? I don’t want to split and we are in the best financial shape now so moving out for either of us would make things even worse. I said let’s make a decision next year and he said no it has to be in 3 months.

Torn to Pieces

DEAR TORN TO PIECES: I’m not entirely sure  what’s going on with your husband, TTP, but I’m betting that where you live isn’t the real issue he’s having.

Now there are a lot of causes or issues that are potentially in play, but I suspect that a key one is a classic: “I am not happy with some part of my life, so if something were different, everything would be better.” This is something that I’ve seen a lot, often from (but by no means exclusive to) people Of A Certain Age. The underlying belief is that one’s satisfaction is due to current circumstances, so if you make a significant change — usually something suitably dramatic like changing careers without warning, buying a luxury car, ending your marriage, redecorating your apartment, moving to an entirely different town etc. — then everything would be better.

The problem, unfortunately, is that this is often an article of faith, rather than one of experience. It’s the sort of thing that feels like a decision borne out of careful consideration, but in reality is usually a snap judgement that folks will cling to like a drowning man to a log in a river… usually unware that he’s about to go careening over Dead Man’s Falls and onto the rocks below. And, again, because it’s more of an article of faith, the person who comes to this decision will often want to act on it NOW NOW NOW NOW because it’s very clearly the solution to all of their life’s problems.

In practice, however, the reason why folks often will want to act on this as quickly as possible is because they want to act on it before further consideration causes the bloom to fade on this particular ill-conceived rose. If they stop to think about it, then they’d realize that no, this is actually a really bad idea and is only going to make things worse. In fact, more than a few folks have had moments like this before and have either seen their dream wither and die if they hesitate, or they’ve done it before and it didn’t help. But like someone convinced that the slot machine is finally about to pay out, they want to believe that this time it’ll all work out exactly as they’d hoped.

Unfortunately, what folks often find out is that while surface may have changed, the underlying causes of their dissatisfaction haven’t. You can’t run fast enough to get away from yourself, not when the call is coming from inside the house. So all that has happened is that their solution means that now they have two problems.

There’s also a potential side issue here: a lot of times, this sort of impulsive behavior can be the result of conditions like ADHD. With ADHD, one’s hyperfocus may engage on a concept or an idea, rather than a particular activity or interest and it takes up all the available bandwidth in your mind. This means that folks will lock onto that idea like a pitbull on unattended rashers of bacon and get incredibly pi

y if people don’t help enable them with this.

Under other circumstances, what your husband wants isn’t entirely unreasonable. Finding a place where your money goes further, especially with a lower or more sustainable standard of living isn’t the worst idea in the world. The potential benefits of a less stressful lifestyle or a region where you’re a better cultural fit can be immense. And depending on whether it is possible for you to run your business remotely, it wouldn’t necessarily be too disruptive to your career in the process.

Where this all goes off the rails is his insistence that not only does this need to be done in three months, that any resistance is tantamount to a personal insult and the fact that he has apparently done absolutely no prep-work to make this a feasible option. Any one of these would be a red flag. ALL of them at once isn’t just a red flag, it’s more red flags than the Running of the Bulls in Pamplona. And this is unreasonable. It’s one thing to take time to consider the possibility of moving, to weigh the pros and cons and do some preliminary legwork to see how feasible it would be. It’s another to demand that everyone up stakes with no warning, like he’s Pa Ingalls and y’all just got kicked out of the Kansas territories.

The part that most sets off my Spidey-sense is his absolutist, all-or-nothing/with-me-or-against-me stance he seems to be taking. That… really isn’t good. Under the most generous interpretation, those ultimatums and insistence that you’re being selfish or unsupportive comes across as the result of long-simmering resentment about something. Under less generous interpretations… it comes across as quasi-abusive. His framing this as “you’d do it if you really loved me”, downplaying both your sweat-equity investment in your firm and the growing success and his getting hostile and abusive about any resistance to his plan is disturbing. His not trusting that you’d move to join him after things were settled is even more so. That might speak volumes to how he views your relationship… and not in a good way.

If this is a sudden change — something completely out of character for him — then I’d be worried that it’s a sign of an emergent mental health issue. If this has been building over time, then I’d be more worried that it is a “frog in a boiling pot” scenario, where everything seemed fine until it wasn’t.

I think that moving just to placate him would be a horrible idea. The potential disruption to your life, your career and your kid’s life would be immense, on top of the financial drain that would come from losing your health insurance and your husband’s income. Moving with no real plan in place and no groundwork (like a professional network, a job offer in hand, etc) is a hell of a risk under the best of circumstances. When your partner is throwing tantrums over it? That’s not just no, that’s a HELL no. That’s a very good way to ensure that your marriage won’t make it through the move. It may not die as soon as you get there, but you’d almost certainly be condemning it to a long, slow and lingering death, like an inoperable emotional tumor.

Honestly, I would suggest a cautious approach. Agree to consider the move (not agree to, consider) under two conditions: first, he has to have the preparations laid out in advance. That means at least a solid job prospect for him, investingating the housing market and availability, the infrastructure that would make it possible for you to run your business remotely and so on. That may also mean finding a way to let your daughter finish out middle-school where you currently live and then join you when she’s ready to start high-school.

Second: you go to couple’s counseling. That part has to be non-negotiable. The way he’s acting has damaged the relationship, and if you want your marriage to survive the stress of uprooting your entire lives to go back east, then he needs to put in the work to help fix things. And to be clear: that’s on him. He’s not acting rationally or reasonably, and his being this aggressive and hostile about it is reason to be concerned. And hopefully, couple’s counseling would encourage him to go to solo counseling, so he can get to the root of just what it is that makes it so vital that he flee the west coast.

If he fights you on either of those conditions, then the answer is an automatic “no”; you’re not going to be bullied or browbeaten into moving when the potential costs are this high. And if he continues to be this aggressively antagonistic about it? Then it’s time to put some very serious thought into whether you and your daughter can safely stay in this relationship with him. If it gets to that point, I’d say it’s time to tell him to get the hell out; maybe, maybe he can come back once he’s fixed whatever’s eating at him, but not a moment before.

And even that would still be under probation at best.

It’s a s--tty situation to be stuck in, TTP. I hope you can resolve this happily and safely.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I tried online dating again since meeting up is relatively safe again around here and I noticed something which turned out to be also true in my non online dating related chats.  I suck at keeping the conversation going and the conversations always end up to be in my responsibility.

IRL, I am a pretty social person but the moment it turns online, I am totally at a loss of words. If the other person and I have interests in common,  like a show we both like or a game I can speak about that but the conversation then only is about that one topic which quickly starts to run dry, and even then I am always the one having to initiate it.

With a new Lockdown coming up and a few longer stays in foreign countries on the horizon I would love to know if I can do something to improve this to better stay connected with people.

Thanks

Radio Silence

DEAR RADIO SILENCE: Sounds to me like you’re making one of the classic online blunders, the most famous of which is “never go to Reddit for legal advice”, but only slightly less well known is this: you aren’t showing any interest in the other person you’re talking to.

To be fair, it also sounds like you’re having problems of compatibility. If you only have one point of commonality and that’s the only thing you can connect over, that’s going to be a problem in and of itself. One of the mistakes folks will make is that they’ll assume that similar taste in pop culture or entertainment is enough to start or maintain a connection over — especially a romantic one. But while that certainly helps, what you really want to look for are deeper, more significant commonalities: shared values and backgrounds, similar life goals and ambitions, and interests beyond what you consume. Otherwise you end up with the situation you’re currently facing: you’ve milked the one conversational topic dry and now you’ve got nothing else to pivot to.

But, again: it also sounds like you’re only directing the conversation to places that focus on what you find interesting. And that’s like talking to an opera singer who’s always warming up: “Me me me me me me me”.

If you want to keep the conversation going — and even better, never run out of things to talk about — then you have to make sure that not only does the other person get to participate in the conversation, but that it goes beyond your waiting for your turn to talk. Part of what makes someone fun to talk to is when they show genuine interest in you. After all, it’s increasingly rare to find someone who actually wants to know more about us, what we think or feel; most of the time, people are waiting for their chance to talk about themselves. This means that if you want to keep the conversation going and keep the connection alive, then you have to show genuine interest in the person you’re talking to.

You want to make a point of asking them questions — not just bare-bones surface questions, but the kinds of questions that lead to deeper and more stimulating conversations. Ones that can get to the core of who somebody is and what they’re all about. If all of your conversations stick to the factual (“Today I did x, y and z”) or surface opinions that don’t get to core values (“I wasn’t a fan of Falcon and the Winter Soldier“) then those conversations are going to end up fizzling out before long. They’re just not that stimulating or satisfying. You want conversations that have actual emotional content. Start by asking questions that can’t be answered with a couple of words. If you’re asking something that can be answered with “yes”, “no”, “fine”, “not much” and so on, then you’re asking the wrong questions. Ask something open-ended, things that naturally lead towards more questions. Part of how you never run out of things to talk about is by using people’s responses as springboards for other questions or other topics.

Now, this doesn’t mean that you want to leap in with deep and penetrating questions about their relationship with their parents or something right off the bat. Part of the point of small-talk is to act as the on-ramp to the conversational freeway; without it, you’re heading straight for a twelve-car pile-up. However, you do want the conversation to escalate in terms of depth and emotional connection — getting past surface likes and dislikes and into feelings, desires, ambitions, etc. Asking about challenges, travel, politics… even just asking for advice about something all help lead to interesting, illuminating and satisfying conversations that people enjoy having.

One thing that I find helps is to try to find a person’s “insert-coin-recieve-rant” topic — a topic that they will go off about if given half a chance. This may be the socio-implications of the Steward of Gondor vs. a king, the fact that the crab-shape has developed so many times that scientists have a specific name for it, fascinating crime stories from history… anything. Finding that topic and then engaging with the person on that has two benefits: first, it means that keeping the conversation going gets profoundly easier. Second is that they’ll enjoy the conversation more and want to keep talking to you. The more they enjoy talking to you, the more they’ll want to see you in person. After all, we prioritize relationships with people who make us feel good; this is what’s known as The Reward Theory of Attraction. Knowing how to get someone talking about a topic they love and showing that you actually want to hear about it means that you’ll never lack for people to talk to.

And the nice thing is: more often than not, this ends up working both ways. Someone who finally gets a chance to talk to someone who wants to listen will usually return the favor. They’ll usually make a point of trying to find your favorite topics or want to know more about you. Not just out of a sense of obligation — “oh no, I’ve gone on and on about me, I’m being rude!” — but because they’ll be more interested in you. Because here’s the neat thing:  interested is interesting. Show interest in what someone else thinks or has to say, and they’ll find you more interesting and fun to talk to too… and they’ll want to know more.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: So, I’m a 34 year old lesbian in a somewhat unusual situation. I’ve been happily married to my wife for the last five years; however, she’s asexual. Fortunately, we’re poly, and so she’s encouraged me to find sexual fulfillment outside of our relationship. Unfortunately, it turns out this is much easier said than done.

In the past few months, I have swiped through every profile in my area on no less than three major dating apps (Tinder, OKC, and HER, if you’re wondering) with no luck. I don’t frequently get matches, and on the occasion that someone does match with me, the conversation goes dead pretty quickly, no matter how hard I try. I should also note that I live in one of the top five most populous cities in the US, so it’s not for having a small dating pool! At this point, I’m more perplexed about why this might be happening, and if there’s anything to do be done about it.

In my opinion, I’m pretty average looking, but I make up for it by doing my best to be really interesting (professionally, I’m a researcher trying to figure out better ways of detecting life on other planets, and in my spare time I’m a burlesque dancer, singer and a professionally published science fiction author). I’m trans, but I don’t explicitly reveal that on my dating profiles (my theory being you should at least take me on a first date before being privy to that information; plus, in any case, I’m post-op anyway).

Is my situation just that convoluted that most queer women aren’t going to be interested? Am I more visibly trans than I realized, and that’s what’s turning people off? Do I need to lower my standards even lower? Or is this the sort of thing that sapphic women on dating apps just kind of experience in general, and it has nothing to do with me personally?

Any and all advice is appreciated!

Thanks!

Just Trying To Get Action

DEAR JUST TRYING TO GET ACTION: This is one of those questions where there just aren’t any good answers. Not because you’re particularly f--ked, JTTA, but because… well, ultimately this would require my being able to read the minds of literally everyone who’s seen your profile. Which means that, unfortunately, what I can offer you is advice on how to start trying to diagnose your problem, rather than being able to provide you with an answer.

Now my standard disclaimer for situations like yours is that I’m a cis-gendered, heterosexual man; there are likely angles or nuances to your situation that I am likely to miss or not even realize are there in the first place. So not only do I recommend taking my advice with suitable amounts of salt, but I invite my female readers who sleep with women to share their advice or suggestions, especially those who’ve dealt with similar issues.

So with that in mind, let’s roll it from the top.

The first thing I always, always recommend to folks who struggle with dating apps is to make sure you’re on the right apps. Every app has a different vibe and caters to a different audience. OKCupid, once the scrappy young upstart, is the 500 lb gorilla; it’s worth being on there because pretty much everyone is on there, and it caters to the widest audience. Because OKC goes out of its way to provide options for folks who are LGBTQ, folks who are polyamorous, and so on, it’s got something of an anything-goes vibe to it. Tinder, on the other hand, has never fully escaped its hook-up app origins; that plus it’s swipe mechanics tend to prioritize photos over everything else, which means that you tend to get more folks who will never look past your photos. Bumble and Hinge tend to be lower key and more tuned towards folks who are looking for something a bit more committed and Plenty of Fish… exists.

One of the things that may be useful to you, specifically JTTGL, is to look towards apps that specifically cater not just to women who love women but to apps that cater to folks in open and polyamorous relationships. Ones like Feeld and #Open — both of which focus on non-monogamous relationships — may have a user base that’s more conducive to what you’re looking for.

The next thing I suggest is to make sure that your photos are on point. As frustrating as it can be, photos will tank interest in your profile before they can learn how awesome you are. And you’ve got a lot of awesomeness to share! However, especially as more and more apps move to the swipe-based mechanics that Tinder popularized, people tend to make a lot of gut reactions based off that first photo or couple of photos, before moving on to read the profile. That means you want to make sure that your first couple photos are ready to catch people’s attention and draw them in. This means you want to make sure that the first couple pictures of you are your best photos and — importantly — just you. I can’t tell you the number of times that I’ve seen group shots as the first photo on a profile, or even the first couple photos. Trust me, nobody wants to play “Where’s Waldo” or “Spot The Difference” to try to figure out whose profile they’re looking at.

Now, you mention you’re average looking and you make up for it by being interesting. While that’s an excellent philosophy and one I recommend — being fun and interesting is more attractive in the long run than just looks after all — that doesn’t work as well off the bat on dating apps. That may mean that your photos aren’t the best; a lot of folks I know across the gender and sexuality spectrum tend to fall into this. As a result, folks never find out how awesome they are because they didn’t present their best self in their pics.

That having being said, don’t write off your looks, especially in your pictures. One of the things people continually under estimate is how much lighting, angle, makeup and even the choice of lens can affect how you look in photos.

I would recommend taking new pictures specifically for your profile, where you would be done up as you would be for a date: so an outfit you would conceivably wear on that first date, makeup (if you wear it) and grooming like you’re about to meet your dream date, etc. There are a number of photographers out there who specialize in photos for apps — both portraits but also “candids” that help show you at your most charismatic and interesting. That might well be something worth pursuing. If you aren’t in a position to try that, you can try doing some photos on your own. If you go that route, I would recommend that for your first couple pics, you want to make sure that you have a low f-stop so that you get that nifty shallow depth of field that will help you pop. If you’re going to go the selfie route — or your partner is going to help you out, then consider the lighting; a ring light is helpful here, but you can still get great results just from facing a window that gets plenty of sun. This will help give you nice, even, lighting that will show you off to best effect. Beware overhead lighting and especially overhead fluorescent lighting; that s--t will bring out every single pore, blemish, and shadow possible and will make even Ryan Gosling or Lupita Nyong’o look like a bridge troll.

The third thing I would suggest is have a friend whose judgement and taste you trust go over your profile. Sometimes part of the problem is that things you think work may, in fact, be turning people off. Part of the problem, of course, is that this can be so personal to everyone that it’s really difficult to pin down. However, one way you can address this is to do a little A/B testing; have your profile written one way for a month or two, then try it again another way and see what results you get. One of the benefits to this approach is that it keeps you active on the app, which gives you a bit of an algorithmic boost; the apps want people who are active on their service and so fine-tuning your profile helps make sure more people see it.

The fourth thing I tell people is that the goal of messaging someone on an app is ultimately to get off the app. That doesn’t mean to push for meeting up in person ASAP (though I recommend this); it means moving the conversation off the app and either to a messenger app like WhatsApp or to texting. The longer you’re messaging over the app, the greater the odds that the conversation is going to die off. Not only does staying on the app increase the likelihood that your message may get lost in the churn of other folks messaging your matches, but moving off the app implies a greater level of interest. It’s a small thing, but a significant one. It doesn’t magically change people’s minds and make them decide that they want to date you, but it does mean that you’re much more interested in meeting up.

If your conversations are dying on the vine fairly quickly, then the odds are that either you’re not having great conversations, or there’s something you’re saying that’s pushing people off. One thing I see fairly often with folks who struggle with messaging folks on dating apps is that the conversation is… fairly dry. “hey, what’re you up to?” “NM, u” and so on. I recommend not just asking questions, but interesting questions, ones that lead to interesting conversations. I’m always a fan of asking about stuff that people have positive associations with — vacations, bookshelves,  childhood ambitions — that also get to the heart of who people are. You can also have generalized fun with some of them. “If we were to rob a museum, what would you go for first?” These can also lead to some low-key flirting if you play your cards right.

Now I do recommend meeting in person sooner rather than later — again, this helps keep the momentum going. My personal choice would be to propose a pre-date date — a 15 minute meet-up for coffee or ice cream or something at a venue of their choice, to gauge whether you have chemistry in person as well as online. This has the benefit of being a relatively lift; it’s a low investment of time with a hard cut-off. If things go well, then great! If not… well, you’re out 15 minutes and the price of a cup of coffee or a cone. And also you have coffee or ice cream. Win/win.

With the more broadly applicable stuff out of the way, let’s talk about a few things that are more specific to you and how this may be affecting things. Part of the issue could well be that you have a more restrictive dating pool. As a woman who dates other women, you’re in a smaller general pool than straight or bi/pan women. That is likewise further filtered by the fact that you’re in a non-monogamous relationship. That’s going to cut down on the number of potentials out there. There’re a lot of folks across the sexuality spectrum for whom that’s just going to be a no-go — either because they don’t do non-monogamy themselves, or because they aren’t interested in starting an ethically non-monogamous relationship with someone who’s already partnered — especially if they already have a primary/nesting-partner/spouse.

(Yes, I realize that seems absurd, but it’s a thing; there are lots of ethically non-monogamous folks who refuse to date people who are married, for a multitude of reasons.)

In and of itself, this isn’t necessarily a bad thing; you don’t want to date folks who aren’t cool with your relationship and relationship style. It just means that, unless you’re willing to fake being single (… and please don’t), you’re going to have a smaller pool of potentials, which is going to slow down the process. This is why checking out Open or Feeld may help.

With that in mind, one thing that jumped out at me is the dichotomy between how you label your relationship (poly) vs. your sign-off. You mention you’re just looking to get laid; if you’re listing or describing yourself as polyamorous, that might be an issue. While the terms poly or polyamorous and open are often used interchangeably, for a lot of folks there’s a pretty significant difference, especially if they’re already in the ENM community. Polyamorous would imply that you’re open to a potentially romantic or committed relationship, while open tends to imply that you’re more interested in a sexual connection, rather than a romantic one. If your profile suggests one but your messaging suggests the other, that disconnect could be what turns folks off. Similarly, if you say you’re poly but you’re mostly just looking for sex, then people who see your profile may think you’re looking for something you’re not; as a result, you may be missing folks who are interested in what you have to offer, but think that you’re not looking for them.

As for whether or not people are swiping left because you may or may not be as femme-presenting as some would prefer… that, unfortunately, is one of those situations where s--t’s mixed. On the one hand, the last thing you want is to be dating someone who is going to have issues with your being trans — and there’re a lot of s--tty folks right now who are actively TERFs or transphobic. Their swiping left is a gift to you; they aren’t inflicting their s--ttiness on you and you aren’t wasting the gift of your awesomeness on them. On the other… it still hurts. And, again, figuring that part would necessitate being able to read their minds. It’s easy to make assumptions about why folks are passing on you — especially if those assumptions tie into worries or insecurities you may already have — but the truth is that most of the time there’s no way to know. I’m of a mind that you should take the pictures that make you feel like you’re ten pounds of sexy goodness in a five pound sack, and worry less about how other folks see it. But again: cis hetero dude here, which means I don’t have your experiences nor do I face the same risks, so all the necessary salt with said advice.

There’s also what I tell everyone: use dating apps as a supplement to how you meet people, not the only way. Even in the 21st century, we still mostly meet our partners — sexual or romantic — in person, and usually through mutual interests or friends. One of the drawbacks to apps is that they rarely leave room for serendipity; we often meet people who we might not vibe with if we saw them on Tinder, but who we REALLY dig in the flesh. And while I know that a lot of — possibly even most — LGBTQ dating starts on the apps (especially as lesbian bars disappear), there’s still a lot to be said for the in-person meet-cute. Especially if you’re having a hard time connecting via text.

The last thing I would say is that dating is and always will be a numbers game; there will be more people you don’t match with than ones you do. That’s not a flaw in you — or anyone else; that’s just about compatibility and meshing properly with folks. While it can be frustrating, especially if you’re not getting results that you want, it’s important to remember that this is a marathon, not a sprint. Taking it personally, especially when so often it isn’t personal, gets demoralizing fast. But take some time polishing your pics and fine tuning your profile and you’ll not only cut the frustration factor immensely, but you’ll make it that much easier to find your sexy match… and to help them find you.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com