DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: You could very well say that I (21m straight) am in a bit of a friendship problem type situation. I find myself to be incredibly physically (but not romantically) attracted to my best friend of 14 years (21f straight) and it’s making me incredibly uncomfortable. She and I became best friends in year 2 after sitting down next to each other and stabbing each other with pencils (don’t ask me why we became friends after that moment because I don’t know). We were both bullied in primary school for being quirky and different and we both stood up to each other when we were being bullied. To this day even though we’ve gone to different schools we still remain loyal best friends, and she is the only friend I’ve kept since childhood.

Recently however, I’ve begun to become very physically attracted to her and I don’t know how to deal with this without ruining a friendship. I am not romantically attracted to her, our personalities are way too different for us to date and I don’t see her in a romantic sense. Her personality is that of an overly enthusiastic golden retriever puppy with no boundaries whereas I am extremely quiet and introverted like a cat (I have Aspergers, she doesn’t). I am not worried about being “friendzoned” but I’ve been having a lot of vivid dreams about me and her “getting it on” and I’m not sure how to deal with these feelings without potentially ruining a friendship. I really value her as a friend and I don’t want to ruin a friendship just because I admittedly have dirty and shameful feelings about her. Do you have any tips for me?

Thank you

The Ashamed Friend

DEAR THE ASHAMED FRIEND: First things first, TAF: good on you for recognizing that while you and your BFF are close, you aren’t romantically compatible. That’s actually very emotionally self-aware, and you should be proud of that; a lot of neurotypical people don’t have that level of maturity or emotional intelligence.

By that same token: there’s nothing shameful about being attracted to her. Being attracted to someone isn’t inherently good or bad, it just is. The fact that you find her attractive is just that: a fact about you. It’s not the totality of who you are, it’s not a marker of poor moral character or anything else. It’s just attraction and feeling attracted to her just means that you’re a straight male with a sex drive. It’s all about what you do with those feelings that makes all the difference.

So what do you do about it? Well, if we’re being honest, this is actually simpler than you realize.

There’s a lot of hue and cry about whether men and women can “just be friends”. The hoary chestnut — one perfectly encapsulated by When Harry Met Sally — is that men and women can’t be friends because sex and sexual attraction will “inevitably” come between them and ruin things. 

Somehow.

Nobody ever really says how, just that it does.

They also never address questions like “ok but why does nobody say this about gay men and women” or “if sex always gets in the way, then who are bi and pansexual people supposed to be friends with”. Which, honestly, is kind of the clue right there; the implication is that men can’t be authentically friends with women because if they’re attracted to her than either they’re trying to get in her pants via the Platonic Best Friend Back Door Gambit or because they’re going to try to get into her pants and their behavior is going to ruin everything because she isn’t into them.

The problem with… well, pretty much all of this is that it makes a lot of incorrect assumptions about people in general and men in particular. The first false assumption, of course is that that sex and friendship are mutually exclusive. The second — and far more relevant to your situation — assumption is that sexual attraction is synonymous with a call to action. And it’s not.

So, as I said: this is actually very simple, TAF. Let’s pull it apart for a second and you’ll see.

Here are the facts: you find your friend sexually attractive. You know that you and she aren’t romantically compatible, nor are you interested in pursuing something with her. So the obvious answer to your question of what to do is… nothing.

No, I’m not being sarcastic; you really should do nothing. Because here’s the thing: what you’re feeling is just that: feelings. They’re not a mandate, they’re not an indication that things have changed between you and — again — they’re nothing to be ashamed of. Whether these feelings are a problem or not comes down to your actions. While you can’t control your feelings, you can control what you do about them. And in this case, doing nothing is, in fact, the best course of action.

If you’ll forgive an awkward metaphor, feelings — like sexual attraction — are like running water. The more you try to affect it, the more you get results you won’t necessarily want. Trying to repress it by, say, damming it up, the more you cause pressure to build until the pressure and volume of the water becomes greater than the strength and height of the dam. At that point, the dam overflows or bursts and everything around it gets flooded and ruined. But simply let it flow, without trying to control it, direct it or stop it… and it just goes its own way.

When it comes to attraction — say, an inconvenient crush on a friend — trying to force it away or repress it inevitably backfires. Trying to force those feelings down or away just compresses and intensifies them and makes them feel stronger. Consciously trying to will it away, distract yourself from it or otherwise push it out of your mind only serves to focus more of your attention on it, making it more and more present in your consciousness. You won’t be able to stop thinking about those feelings because you’re constantly devoting time to trying to not think about them.

But if you just note those feelings, name them and just let them be, then nothing happens… and nothing is what you want. When you have those sweaty dreams or thoughts, mentally note and name them — “ah, yes, that’s the attraction I’m feeling for $BEST_FRIEND” — and then just carry on as normal. By noticing that you’re feeling this way and naming it, you are taking away its power to fuck with you. You are acknowledging its existence, labeling it for exactly what it is, and then just letting it fade into the background instead of letting its presence in your mind interfere with everything else.

Now, please notice very carefully the framing of this: “I am feeling X” or “that’s the Y I am feeling“. This is important. By naming it as a thing that you’re feeling, you are framing this as an emotion, not as a state of being or something definitional to who you are. By saying “I’m feeling attracted to $BEST_FRIEND,” rather than “I’m attracted to”, you’re giving yourself a conscious reminder that this is just a thing that you feel in that moment, not something that is a permanent part of you. You are saying that this is a feeling, something that ebbs and flows, not something that defines you and everything you do. And when you treat it that way, you take away its power to dominate you and control you. You can feel it and just let it flow past you because that’s all it is: a feeling. And feelings are transitory things; you aren’t happy all the time, nor are you sad all the time. You aren’t scared all the time, nor are you angry all the time. Sometimes feelings can come on incredibly strongly, sometimes you don’t feel them at all… and attraction acts that way too. Being mindful and just letting it be means that it’ll fade on its own, without your needing to do anything about it.

When you can accept that being attracted to someone isn’t a mandate, and that its just a feeling that will fade, then you are able to continue your friendship with your BFF without fear. Because it’s not attraction that ruins friendships. Hell, it’s not even acting on that attraction that’s the problem. It’s being an asshole about it.

If this were a different friend — someone you were compatible with, someone you could see yourself pursuing a relationship with — and you said “hey, I really value our friendship and I would never want that to change, but I find you attractive and I’d be interested in seeing if there’s more if you’re interested too…” then that’s not going to end your friendship. The thing that would end your friendship would be not taking a “no, thank you” with good grace, or letting your attraction change how you behave towards them. If everything about your friendship became about trying to get them into bed or throwing temper tantrums because they didn’t like you back, that would ruin things. But continuing to genuinely be their friend and treat them like a friend, the same as you did before? Then your friendship will survive just fine. There may be a brief period of awkwardness, but friends hit awkward patches all the time. You both resolve to grit your teeth and get through it and things return to normal sooner than you realize.

But that’s not your scenario. You want this friendship to stay a friendship. So… stay her friend. Continue to be her friend. Go on exactly as you have been doing before because, frankly, nothing has changed. You’re feeling something, that feeling will ebb and flow and fade and ultimately be just one small detail in your overall relationship with your friend… and not even a terribly important one.

Let the feeling just flow through you, without needing to do anything about it one way or the other, and this crisis-that-isn’t-actually-a-crisis will pass without incident.

You’ll both be ok. I promise.

All will be well.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

Doctor’s Note: Today’s letter discusses sexual violence and contains descriptions of sexual assault

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I had been with my partner for almost 10 years. Some significant things happened in my life and I hit a really low depression. Our relationship took a toll for it. Insert a mutual somewhat friend of ours. I liked him, he was funny, interesting to talk too, and charismatic. During our friendship he made a lot of advances. Sometimes I flirted back, but overall never let on that I was interested in having sex. My relationship with my partner was getting worse and worse. He was jealous of my relationship with this other person. He asked me to end it and I wish I had. But I stayed stubborn and ignored his request.

At some point my friend got too… suggestive. I told him I was more than just a sexual body. We stopped talking for a good while. This all took place over a year or so. During this time, I had plenty of opportunities to cheat but I did not want to. It was just nice in the beginning having someone find me attractive and more than just a mom of 3 that cleaned and did school projects all the time.

Well, my friend and I were a part of a group that ran a spring event in the woods. We saw each other during the meetings, I kept things platonic. The night before the spring event kicks off, we always have a staff night. Drinking, dancing, good food, just a nice stress reliever from all the planning. My partner didn’t come with me to the event that year. I was really sad, depressed, somewhat suicidal and I drink. A lot. I’m not a huge drinker and I was chugging this stuff back. At one point, I’m just dancing and joking around. But the night gets fuzzier and fuzzier. I remember at some point, 2 other people from my group dragging me along the pathway to the cabins. Then next moment, one of them is kissing me and taking my clothes off. I remember stumbling back. Then the next memory is one of them pushing my face into their partners genitals (unclothed). I remember gagging and throwing up a bit, swallowing it down. I got up and ran. I didn’t have a shirt or bra on. It was dark and I ran into my friend, asked him for help. I didn’t have a flashlight, didn’t know where my clothes were. I don’t know if I walked or he half carried me, but I ended up at my cabin. And next thing, we’re having sex. I didn’t say no. I went with it. Afterwards, I just laid there. Completely numb.

And then I made this dumb choice, after getting home, I messaged him about the event. Like, that I enjoyed it and when we’re going to do it again. But deep down, I felt grossed out and just dead inside. My partner found out, via reading the message. We separated and it’s been hell since. I never told him the fullness of that night. I was afraid because of what it mean to our group (the event group), that my partner wouldn’t believe me, that given all the events that lead up to it, it definitely looks like I cheated. And I feel like I did. But through therapy, I guess I’ve come to conclude it’s more complicated than that. How do I talk to my ex about this situation? I love him and want him home. I want to heal and move on from this.

What Did I Do?

DEAR WHAT DID I DO: I am so, SO sorry that you’ve gone through all of this, WDID. You’ve been hurt so very deeply and you deserve NONE of it.

Here’s how you talk to your ex about this: you tell him that you were assaulted and raped.

Because that’s exactly what happened.

Here’s the thing WDID: what happened to you was rape. It doesn’t matter that you had depression. It doesn’t matter that you had a flirty relationship with your buddy. Nor does it matter that you were flattered by the attention and got a charge from being seen as desirable by someone. Or that you had been drinking at the spring event. Literally none of that matters.

What matters is that two people apparently tried to assault you while you were inebriated. And when you got away from them and went to your friend for help… he also took advantage and assaulted you. You were in no shape to know what was going on, nor to give consent, and what happened to you was not your fault. End of story. No ifs, no buts, no quibbling.

The only people who are at fault here are the people who assaulted you; your “friend” and the two other people who also attacked you.

Here’s the other thing to recognize: your behavior — during the act and after — is entirely normal. People talk about “the fight or flight” response, but it’s really “fight, flight, freeze or fawn“. The freeze and fawn responses are very common responses to crisis situations; in both cases, it’s a way people — especially women and femme-bodied people — protect themselves and survive. Freezing is often caused by a reaction to adrenaline; your body functionally locks up because you aren’t used to dealing with the sudden surge. Similarly, fawning — behaving in an ingratiating manner — is an unconscious attempt to de-escalate and defuse the situation and prevent things from getting worse.

“Letting” the assault happen (and to be clear: you didn’t let anything happen; you were non-responsive, which is very different) is very much the freeze response. Texting afterwards is, likewise, a fawn response. It’s equal parts trying to avoid angering or antagonizing the person who assaulted you and a way of your brain trying to protect you from the idea that you were assaulted. It’s not an abdication of responsibility or an admission of guilt but a way of trying to protect yourself emotionally and physically and it is incredibly common. This is a very common response from people who haven’t had a chance to process what happened, deal with their understandably complex and complicated feelings and who have legitimate reason to worry that bringing things up would make things worse.

Does it seem illogical? Absolutely. Does it make a lick of damn sense? Nope. But our brains aren’t logical. They don’t give a f--k about sense. Our brains don’t care about our happiness, our brains care about safety and getting you out of a dangerous situation is a much higher priority to them than worrying that our method of doing so may f--k up relationships or make legal issues harder.

So that’s why the very first thing you need to do is forgive yourself and quit repeating this narrative that you cheated or that you “went along” with it. You were assaulted. People tried to take advantage of your being drunk to ignore your wishes or your consent and use you for their own desires. That isn’t cheating, that’s rape.

The second thing I would strongly suggest is to talk to a counselor or therapist, especially someone who specializes or is experienced in dealing with the aftermath of sexual assault. If you don’t have a therapist already or know where to turn, then the American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors and Therapists has an excellent referral directory to help you find an understanding, sex-positive counselor or therapist in your area. I would also recommend calling the National Sexual Assault hotline at 1-800-656-4673 and talking to some of the trained staff. The Rape, Assault and Incest National Network can help you find support and assistance in your community, as well as help you determine next steps and provide you with some much-needed resources.

I would highly recommend talking to them — and possibly a therapist — before taking further steps, because the best thing you can do is focus on yourself and your mental and emotional health first. Coming to terms, dealing with what happened, realizing that this was not your fault, that this was done to you and you are not responsible for their actions is vital. Talking to them will help you process your reactions, understand that these are known responses and not indicators of consent and help you realize that you are not at fault here. There are a lot of s--tty people out there who will try to weaponize your responses or circumstances against you and use them to shift the blame. Armoring yourself against that now will be important, if only for your own mental well being.

Talking with the staff at RAINN and/or your own counselor will also help you figure out how best to talk to your ex, give you the vocabulary to explain things and — importantly — help get you ready to face the difficulty of talking about these events.

Now, there is the obvious question of what steps do you take with the folks who assaulted you. This, unfortunately, is where things start to range outside of my pay grade and will depend entirely on what you feel safe and capable of doing. My personal feeling is that you should absolutely bring up your assault with the organizers of the spring event. It’s a safety issue for you and for others at these events; if the two who pulled you away are regulars in the organization, alerting folks to the missing stair is important.

However: this can also be incredibly difficult and traumatic and you may well not be in a place to face this. If — and it’s a pretty damn big if — you feel like you’re able to do this and that it won’t cause you more trauma and damage, then please be sure to proceed with caution.

As for your ex-friend who raped you… well, honestly, it still comes back to your own sense of safety and emotional and mental health. Confronting him with what he did — that you weren’t consenting, that you texted afterwards out of a sense of self-protection, that he assaulted you — can be important, but it can also be incredibly difficult for you. If you don’t feel like you can confront him, even at a remove, then that’s entirely understandable. I would, however, say that you can and should utterly excise him from your life and cut off all access he may have to you. That means blocking him on all social media you use, blocking his number, filtering his texts and emails into the trash, etc. Your safety and well-being is a priority.

Again: RAINN and a trained counselor will be able to work with you and help you decide what the best course of actions are for you and how to execute them.

But more than anything else, here’s what I want you to take away from this: THIS WAS NOT YOUR FAULT. YOU WERE RAPED. This was something that was DONE TO YOU, and nothing that came before — not the flirting, the drinking, even the feeling flattered by his attraction — excuses what he did or means that you were to blame. Because, again: THIS WAS NOT YOUR FAULT.

I also want you to recognize this very important truth: you are much stronger than you know. You have come through this horrific experience and survived. You have wounds and scars, but you survived. You will heal and things will feel better. There are hardships now and likely others in your future. However, there are better days to come, and that is in no small part because of how incredibly brave and strong you are.

And I want to emphasize this one more time: THIS WAS NOT YOUR FAULT.

You’ve been through the fires of hell and you’ve got the ashes to prove it. But you’ve come through. Now it’s time to start the healing process and to take care of yourself.

You are very strong. You will heal.

Write back and let us know how you’re doing.

All will be well.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’m a 33 year old male from the Midwest. Just your average nerdy white guy who works in healthcare. Don’t have a particular interest in travel and have your typical nerdy interests like books, games and the like. I’m making myself sound dull but I present it better on my profile of course.

I have over a hundred matches on OKCupid and I’m not having much luck finding who they are blindly swiping. I didn’t want to spend money but I’ve spent forty bucks on dumber stuff. I said to myself: “Hey, maybe I’ll find someone relatively close among a hundred people!”

The vast majority of my matches were international, predominantly from the Philippines, Indonesia, and Thailand. There were very few people from my state among my matches, and they weren’t people I was interested in or attracted to. I think there were maybe six Americans.

I’ve noticed before that I tend to match a lot with people from overseas, particularly the Philippines. It isn’t that I dislike the attention per se, it’s just I find the lack of enthusiasm and interest from people in my home country… disheartening. I’ve met some lovely people from overseas don’t get me wrong, but while I’m open to some distance I’m thinking like maybe a hundred miles not three thousand! But very few people that I’m actually interested in here show me any interest.

Is this an odd problem to have? Should I just…get a passport and roll with it or what? I am really not sure what to make of it.

Unlucky in the States 

DEAR UNLUCKY IN THE STATES: As much as I hate to say it, UITS, most of those aren’t real profiles or real matches. While I’m sure some of these have actual people behind them, very few of them are lonely women overseas looking for love. Some are scammers and grifters, some are folks looking for matches to get them a form of financial security and many are going to be shady “check out my webcam” bait-and-switch profiles.

Plus the occasional genuine person.

First thing you need to do, UITS, is change your profile settings. It sounds like you’ve set things to look for matches in a massive search area, and that means you’re going to be getting matches from bots, fake accounts and overseas profiles. While keeping your search radius to, say, a 25-50 mile region isn’t going to keep bots and scams from matching with you, it will cut down the number immensely. It’ll also mean that you’ll feel much better about nixing the folks who’re overseas; their swiping on you will be an indication that they didn’t actually read your profile. That would imply either someone who doesn’t care what you said, or that it’s not a real match.

The next thing to do is consider whether OKCupid is the right site for you. One of the reasons why folks will often struggle with online dating is that, quite frankly, they’re on the wrong apps. Different apps have different user bases and cater towards different relationship types. OKCupid is very much the “anything goes” app, the 500 lb gorilla that gets by in part on being the app that everyone uses. That massive user base means you’re likely to find folks on there, but it also means it’s going to have the highest per-capita bot/fake account ratio — possibly only exceeded by Tinder. You may find that you get better results off Hinge or Bumble, especially since Bumble mandates that women initiate messaging after matching.

Now, the next thing to do, regardless of whether you stay on OKC or move elsewhere, is to delete your profile and start over. I realize this sounds harsh, but part of what you’re going to be doing is functionally resetting the algorithm and changing who your profile gets placed in front of. By rebooting your account, you get the “new profile” algorithmic boost, which will help put you in front of more potential matches in your (very carefully chosen) area. It’s also a good time to do some polishing on your account and a little A/B testing on photos, questions, etc.

The third thing to do is, paradoxically, use online dating less. While dating apps are very much a boon to meeting folks, they’re still not a replacement for meeting people in person, especially when the ways men and women use swiping apps can work at cross purposes. Dating apps are best used as a supplement to meeting women, not a replacement; something that you do when you have a few minutes of downtime, rather than something you devote hours of each day towards. By deprioritizing the apps, you don’t invest your self-esteem as heavily in the results you do or don’t get; it’s a bonus, not the sum totality of dating. And by de-prioritizing how important the apps are, you won’t find yourself focusing so much on any one match, especially when you don’t know anything about them other than what’s in their profile. The people you meet on OKCupid may awesome… but they’re not the only people in the world.

Just as importantly: consider the power of your social network. Even in 2021, most people meet their partners through friends and shared activities, not dating apps. Telling your friends that you’re single and looking and to let you know if they know someone they think you’d click with can help you meet far more eligible (and compatible) folks, more efficiently than hoping that this random person from Kiev is, in fact, a real woman and not a cam-site honey trap.

And don’t worry if your friends only know married women or folks who are coupled up. Making friends, especially female friends, regardless of their marital or relationship status increases your chances of meeting the singles you’re hoping to find. After all, folks tend to run in packs and the cute women you befriend also have single friends who are as cute as they are. Making new  (genuine)friends means that you up the number of folks who can introduce you to the people who may well end up being the match of your dreams.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com