Ask Dr. Nerdlove

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: Last year I wrote to you via the priority email service over a crush on a guy at my gym. Quite rightly, you advised me to gather my courage and ask him out. This was tough because we had multiple lockdowns in my country, and it took me several aborted attempts – but I did it! He was really enthusiastic, gushed over my bravery and how flattered he was, and asked for my number. For that first few days, I was geared up to write a “relationship win” email for you.

But then he never called. I waited a week, and nothing. When I ran into him the next weekend, he told me that he’d just started seeing someone (something about it being ‘early days’ and how he ‘just got out of a relationship a year ago’ – he was kind of cagey about it and I didn’t want to pry). He asked if we could still be friends, and although I said yes, I’ve barely been back since, and the one time I did go, we politely ignored each other.

I’d hate for him to think I’m mad at him, but the truth is I am absolutely heartbroken. I spent the best part of a year trying to build up, questioning my feelings, doubting myself. Last summer I couldn’t even make eye contact with him, but I persevered, and hearing that initial “yes” felt like a turning point in my life. I never thought I would get there. And then, finding that I had actually missed my window has just destroyed me. It’s been 3 months now, and barely a day goes by where I don’t find myself crying over him.

This is kind of sad, I know. I’m 36 years old, but this dumb crush really has rattled me to my core. You correctly identified in your private message that I’m on the asexual spectrum (I identify as grey-ace/-aro) and I had to completely reassess my sense of my own sexuality in order to even acknowledge the possibility of these feelings. I rarely experience attraction, so this really did feel like a “one and only chance” kind of a deal. My relationships are usually more like friendships with sex bolted on, and I find it hard to connect with others in a romantic sense. Most of the time, I’m just not all that attracted to my partners. I’ve never been on a proper date, not had any sort of romantic or sexual interest in 8 years now, and the few truly passionate relationships I’ve had were deeply unhealthy. When I do fall, I fall bad. I respond really intensely to intermittent reinforcement, probably because it gives me the space to develop a real interest, and then I ultimately end up neglected and discarded. Over recent years, I have mostly accepted that romantic partnership is not for me. I have built a stable life with my best friend, and was happy with that – until now.

The truth is I miss the feeling of excitement I got from being around my crush. I miss the anticipation of getting up in the morning and going to the gym knowing I was going to see him, thinking about what I was going to say, coming away feeling exhilarated when he complimented me or shared something meaningful. I had started taking better care of my skin, bought new clothes, rediscovered a side of myself that I had neglected for many years. Now, all that has gone. I don’t want to do those things anymore. Maybe I never really did? Maybe it was all performative femininity because I wanted to ‘get a man’. I don’t know.

But the worst part is that I don’t even enjoy going to the gym now. Fitness has been a big part of my life for the past 7 years and is how I manage my mental health, boost my self-esteem and get my endorphins. Now, everything related to it reminds me of him. I even changed gyms, but found myself sitting on the bench crying because even being in that environment was enough to set me off. I just want my zeal back. I want to reclaim this thing for myself, if nothing else, but it’s like he was a drug, and now I’m in withdrawal. I hate that I’ve lost that fire and that motivation, but it feels like every time I push myself to go, something happens that makes me feel crappy (a song plays that reminds me of him, a guy makes a gross comment) and then I want to go even less.

My rational brain knows that all this really makes no difference in the long run. I was always going to be ok without a romantic partner, and I know deep down that I will be ok now. But by opening up to the possibility, even for a short while, I feel like I’ve opened up an old wound. I feel sad that I’ve never had that romantic evening with someone I felt excitement for, that I’ve never really desired anybody who hasn’t treated me like garbage; I’m frustrated that the one time I felt that mystical ‘spark’ that everybody talks about, it turned out it was all in my head (or worse still, possibly just a matter of bad timing).

This experience has made me resent my asexuality for the first time since my teens. I’m jealous that other people seem to get that feeling of excitement all the time! I keep looking around at people constantly, trying to force some sort of attraction, hoping it might happen again. I tried online dating, but everyone came on way too strong. To make matters worse, I’ve had a case of Texts From The Ex (apparently a common occurrence in the pandemic) and although I distrust him greatly, I’m engaging with him more and more as a distraction from my crush.

So where do I go from here? I really want to get my motivation back, but I don’t know how. I wish I could go back to my old gym and see him, but I don’t think he’ll even talk to me now. He probably thinks avoiding him, as I had been driving across town a couple of times a week just to see him, and now of course I am not. If I do go, I worry that I’ll only be hanging around hoping he’ll talk to me, wondering if he’ll be free again and might change his mind, and I know that’s deeply unhealthy, and that nobody wants to date a whiney stalker chick who can’t handle a polite rejection. How do I readjust to life where I /don’t/ have that starry-eyed adoration lighting a fire under my ass? I feel like he took 90% of my motivation with him, and now the thought of doing all those things I used to enjoy just makes me feel depressed and lonely, because I had been imagining doing them with him.

How can I overcome this setback and return to contented singledom? I’m tired of crying, tired of feeling jealous and listless, tired of missing out on things that used to bring me quiet, solitary joy. I know I can’t change the way my sexuality works, but how can I go about rebuilding myself?

Ace in a Hole (36, she/her)

DEAR ACE IN THE HOLE: Ok, this is going to sound like a complete digression AiaH, but stick with me for a second.

One of my favorite TV series’ back in college was Babylon 5, in no small part because of how many times they had these fascinating side stories focusing on background characters. One in particular stands out — an episode that focused, in part, on a man named Jinxo who had been a survivor of all of the previous Babylon space stations. Whether the station was destroyed in an enemy attack, blew up because of an industrial accident or just straight-up vanished, it always occurred when Jinxo left the station. As a result, people had begun to believe that he was cursed; if he left the station, then the station was doomed.

However, a recent traveler to Babylon 5 points out that Jinxo was looking at things from the wrong perspective. After all, he managed to escape disaster four separate times; by all rights, he should be called “Lucky” instead. His leaving the stations before the worst happened wasn’t what caused the disaster, he was surviving each time. That’s not a curse, but a blessing; he was just seeing things in an incredibly negative light.

That’s the issue you’re having right now AiaH: it’s not that you failed or waited too long or whatever. You did something you have previously struggled to do: you talked to your crush! You opened your mouth, words fell out, everything went well and there was no earth-shattering kaboom. You summoned your courage and took your shot! Even though you were terrified, your knees were shaking and your voice quavered, you did it anyway. That is something to be celebrated! Yes, it didn’t turn out the way you’d hoped, but honestly, the fact that you made your move is the most important thing here!

And here’s the thing: the fact that you’ve done this once means that you can do it again. You’ve proven to yourself that you have this power within you, and you’ve had it all along. While this time didn’t work out, you now know that when you do develop a crush on someone new, you’re capable of doing something about it. And having struggled through the first time, now you’re better able to do so when the opportunity presents itself instead of having to build up to it over days or weeks. And that means that, in the future, you’ll be less likely to miss any particular window.

The other thing to keep in mind: just because you and he didn’t hit it off doesn’t mean that you have to avoid him. In fact, avoiding him is actually part of what makes things harder; avoidance actually just increases the anxiety and stress of it all. Seeing him will sting — possibly a lot — but like ripping off a bandage, that sting will fade faster than it would if you just try to peel it off one millimeter at a time. And while you and he may never be a couple, he could very well be a great and important friend. And just importantly: it’s a reminder that the worst can happen — he had a girlfriend — but the world didn’t end. It sucked, but you survived and you recovered. That’s an important lesson to learn.

Now all that joie de vivre and excitement you were feeling about taking care of yourself, dressing well, etc? You can get that back. But the key here is, again, to change your perspective. Instead of doing it as a form of “performative femininity” or “to get a man”, consider doing it for yourself, because it makes you feel awesome. Dressing up sharp can feel amazing when you do it just for yourself, rather than for the sake of others. The same with exercise, skin care and so on — doing things because it makes your body work and feel better is an excellent reason to keep at it. The side-benefits — it may make you more attractive to others — are just that: a bonus. A side-effect of the joy of taking care of yourself and keeping your body as a well-oiled, high-performance machine.

Focusing on the joy of movement, the pride of taking care of yourself, the simple pleasures of dressing well because they make you feel good will help you reconnect with that part of yourself. Treating yourself well will remind you that you deserve good things and that, while life can be difficult… it can be great too. And doing so will also help you maintain the confidence and courage to make your move the next time the stars align and you find another crush.

Because here is a truth: this guy was just one person that happened to hit your buttons in this particular way. And while guys like that may be few and far between for you… there are more. All of this was you learning that you’re capable of far more than you ever gave yourself credit for.

This wasn’t the end. This wasn’t even the beginning of the end for you. This was merely the end of the beginning.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

Doctor’s Note: today’s column talks about stalkers and stalking behavior.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: A friend of mine is being stalked by a man some thirty years her senior that she met though a college social organization. He has gone so far as to find where she is studying abroad and show up at her apartment.

She is taking the proper steps with authorities both in this country and the one where she resides, but there is little they can do at this point. She occasionally reaches out to the people in the student organization for information on his whereabouts and online activity as she has blocked him in every way possible and thus does not have access to his pages either.

However, recently some members have attempted to tell her to “just ignore him” and that she’ll be “a lot less stressed” if she just stops paying attention to him. They also asked “doesn’t she have a boyfriend?” and “it sounds like what she needs is a strong man”.

I just- I can’t. How- ARGH.

Can you please help me with my words? How can I articulate how NON-TRIVIAL an issue this is?

Thanks Doc.

Friend In Deed 

DEAR FRIEND IN DEED: Letters like this are not good for my rage. I’ve had people close to me who have been victims of stalking, and the number of folks who refuse to treat their VERY REAL concerns seriously makes me want to set them on fire with my brain.

You (the general audience, not you, Friend In Deed) want to know why women are on the look out for creeper behavior? You want to know why I don’t have much sympathy for people who complain that women over-use “creepy” to describe men and how unfair it is that men have to approach women and still worry about being called “creepy”? You want to know why I have no tolerance for the bullshit “Creepy behavior is anything an ‘ugly’ guy does” argument?

This is why.

Numbers time, Stalking Edition!

According to the CDC:

1,006,970 women are stalked in the US annually.

1 in 6 women have been stalked in their lifetime.

87% of stalkers are men

Weapons are used to harm or threaten victims in 1 out of 5 cases.

76% of female murder victims had been stalked.

Stalkers frequently vandalize property, threaten family members, kill family pets, and have assaulted, raped and murdered their victims. Even when the stalker doesn’t attack his victims physically, they suffer emotionally and financially as well. Over a quarter of stalking victims have lost time from work or even lost their jobs because of their stalker and a third require psychological counseling because of their ordeal.

This is why I have no patience for people who try to dismiss women’s concerns as “overblown” or “overreacting” and they should relax. This is why I don’t have any regard for those who complain about creep-shaming and that they need to be more considerate to someone who may be socially awkward for fear of offending their feelings.

Guess what folks? Your feelings being hurt doesn’t rank as important as not wanting to be stalked or assaulted.

Case in point: FID’s friend who had a stalker follow her out of the goddamned country.

FID, your friend is doing everything right. If she hasn’t already, I would recommend that she look into getting a protective order or whatever the equivalent of a restraining order would be in the country where she’s staying. The United States Embassy should have resources to help her navigate the legal system as someone who’s there under a student visa.

I would also HIGHLY recommend getting a restraining order against him back in the states, including prohibitions against contacting her in any way. It would make the difference between the cops saying “Well, he’s done nothing wrong” and having them haul his ass away for violating an RO when he decides to “surprise” her on campus.

And again, assuming that she hasn’t already, she should make sure to inform her university that she’s being stalked. Campus security, faculty and staff should be alerted to her stalker’s behavior; it would hardly be the first time that a stalker tried to get information from staffers who didn’t realize the seriousness of the threat.

And speaking of seriousness:

The student organization is doing your friend a massive disservice by dismissing her concerns. Telling her she should “ignore” him and suggesting that “she needs a strong man” is telling her not to worry her pretty little head because she’s “overreacting“; they’re patronizing her for having a very real fear for her safety for her safety from someone who is continuing to present a real and present danger to her. This isn’t about a bad break-up, this is about someone who is legitimately afraid for her life.

You might want to point out to the student organization that the fact that her stalker tracked her down and showed up on her doorstep in ANOTHER GODDAMN COUNTRY is a sign that his behavior is escalating to dangerous levels. Hit them with numbers. Point out just how many times stalkers have threatened to hurt their victims (over 45% of cases) and how many stalkers violated restraining orders (80%).

And, assuming your friend has retained a lawyer (and I strongly suggest that she does), then I would suggest that she have him make some very pointed suggestions about the potential liability to the university and the student organization in particular if she would be hurt -or worse – by a member of their group. Quite frankly, if it takes making veiled legal threats to get them to quit treating this as a joke and actually help keep your friend apprised of her stalker’s whereabouts, I’m all in favor of it.

Good luck, and please keep us updated.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’ve been a fan since the League of Extremely Ordinary Gentlemen days and while I realize your column seems to be mostly aimed at helping guys get girls, I was hoping for some general dating advice anyway. I tend to be addicted to dating nerdy guys, I’m nerd girl and I like to date guys that have similar interests and hobbies. 

The problem I run into more often than not is I either start dating the socially awkward guy who because he doesn’t have a social life expects me to spend all my free time with them, the guy who can’t carry on a decent conversation or is really arrogant and talks down to me. The other type tends to be the guy who ends up wanting to “just be friends”. 

I have identified two areas that are problematic one is that I can’t seem to say no when someone asks me out I always say yes thinking well maybe I’ll be surprised and they will end up being someone I could have a long term relationship with. The other is I tend to sleep with guys pretty fast and that always ends up biting me in the end. I always fall for that line of “Oh I’m different than other guys” when I try to explain I want to go slowly and not just sleep around. I want to be trusting and give people a chance but they almost always end up being what they first appear to be. 

Sorry this message is a bit long winded but ultimately my question is I’m not sure what to do in order to weed out guys that are worthwhile dating vs. guys who should just stay friends. Should I make a list that has more criteria and only date people who fit into that? I always hear my guy friends complain they want girlfriends who have more in common with them but whenever I date guys that I share almost all their hobbies and interests with it never works out and I’m left wondering why.

Nerd Bait

DEAR NERD BAIT: Yes, guys DO want women who have things in common with them; despite the what the cliche (and Paula Abdul song) says, opposites don’t attract. But that doesn’t necessarily mean that simply having hobbies in common is enough for a relationship, especially in geek culture. More often than not, nerd boys who want girls who share all of their hobbies and interests aren’t looking for actual women; frequently what they’re actually looking for is a fantasy that justifies their interests, rather than a real relationship with all of it’s complications and complexities.

But that’s a separate issue entirely. Let’s take a look at your problem.

First of all: You seem to have managed to date through some of the major personality types that you can find in nerd circles; shy and awkward, possessive and clingy and the ever popular condescending know-it-all… All you really need is the White Knight and the Incredibly Off-putting Fetishist and you’ll have Nerd Bingo.

As I’ve said before, I don’t like trading in stereotypes, but certain activities and lifestyles tend to attract certain personality types; because geek culture is still seen (incorrectly) as being outside the accepted mainstream, you’re much more likely to find dudes who aren’t the most socially experienced. Well-socialized, charming nerds exist, but you have to be willing to put in some time and effort into looking for them. And while you do seem to have been putting in the hours, Nerd Bait, your methodology could use some work.

I do applaud your willingness to go on dates and to be willing to give guys a chance; in many circumstances, this is quite admirable and says a lot for your willing to be looking past the surface when it comes to finding a relationship. However, in this case it seems to me that your focus is less on finding a partner in crime and a lot more on finding a long-term-relationship with a blank spot marked “Insert Partner Here”. It’s not uncommon for geeks of both genders to be in love with the idea of BEING in love; just about every form of entertainment we partake in glorifies the concept of romance and Twu Wuv. We’re taught that finding a girlfriend/boyfriend is one of the most important things for a geek and that all of life’s adventures lead towards being part of a couple. If you’re exposed to that for long enough, the message can tend to embed itself in your brain.

(See also: Nerd boys and chronic Nice Guy Syndrome. I blame John Cusack.)

Now don’t get me wrong: I’m not down on you for wanting to find a long term relationship, and I’m certainly not going to fault you for being willing to cast your net wide in your search, but you’e taken things to an extreme. A willingness to take chances and be surprised is one thing. Taking on all comers because, hey, you never know, is quite another. You can’t be faulted for the thoroughness of your search for love, NB, but you need to change how you’re going about it.

Now to be 100% clear: I don’t want you to think I’m shaming you for having sex (when you’re comfortable having it) or for dating lots and lots of men. There’s nothing wrong or shameful with that if that’s how you roll. It does, however, seem that feeling like you can’t turn down dates and your willingness to have sex quicker than you might feel comfortable with is getting in the way of what you actually want.

It would be one thing if you prefer to have a very full social calendar or if you’re down to get down with new people. However, the way you describe your social life makes it sound as though you may be more concerned about getting the guys to like you rather than making sure THEY are worthy of YOUR affections in the first place. This is not a stable place to build a relationship from; a relationship should be a partnership between equals, not with one person supplicating to the other in hopes of gaining their approval and affection — regardless of the genders involved.

You’re obviously intelligent and self-aware to realize that these are problems, and I think you’re also well aware of the answers. You don’t need to set up a check-list and stick to it exclusively, NB, but you do need to be willing to be more discerning in who you’re willing to date. The good news is that your experience means that you should be better able to filter out what you don’t want as you look for what you do. Being choosey about romance isn’t a fault; just because someone asks you out in the first place doesn’t mean you’re obligated to consider them.

As for the sex, there’s no reason not to take things to that level at the pace you’re comfortable with. If you’re a sexual person and you like having sex on the first or second date, more power to you! If you prefer to take things slowly and wait until you’re sure, then by all means, take things slowly! You’re under no obligation to proceed at anyone’s speed except your own, no matter how much the guy may protest that “they’re not like that”. If the guy you’re on a date with — or starting to date seriously — isn’t willing to be patient and prioritize your interest and comfort when it comes to sex, than you can take it for granted that they’re not a guy you want to be dating in the first place, and you’re free to dump them as needed.

Don’t let a fear of “but what if he’s The One” push you into dates (or sex) you don’t want with guys you don’t like. There is no One, so much as there are MANY The Ones; saying no to people you aren’t into just means that you’ll be free to find someone who IS right for you.

Don’t let a scarcity mindset or fear of missing out lead you turn into a fear of being Forever Alone. You have a lot going for you, and you won’t find yourself at a loss for terribly long.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com