DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I (33/Male) have been following your site for a while now and have found it enormously helpful in changing my outlook. For a long time I have had a very negative view of myself, based in part on a long struggle with being overweight, and I viewed any sort of non-platonic relationship with a woman as fantasy at best. However, your advice encouraged me to challenge many of my assumptions that I held as “fact”. I now feel a lot more encouraged about my future. I also decided to stop waiting to make changes or pursue my goals. I once believed that it was pointless to work on anything else until I had lost weight and preferably had a nice set of six-pack abs. And while I have made significant changes to my diet with the help of a nutritionist and become more physically active, I am no longer waiting for some mythical “right time” to start working on other things. I have been pursuing my passion for acting, taking classes and making many new friends. However, there are some areas I would still like to improve, namely: hygiene, fashion, and home décor. I have a number of questions and would like any advice you can give.

First, hygiene. I have never really had bad hygiene, per se. I have always showered regularly, washed clothes and sheets on a regular basis, and taken good care of my teeth. However, my goal was usually more about “not smelling bad” as opposed to “smelling good”. In your columns, you suggest using fragrance free body wash and shampoo so as not to clash with your cologne. I always viewed cologne as something saved for special occasions, like a date. Should I be wearing it every day, even just to go to work or class? And if not, should I have body wash and shampoo with fragrances? Is it okay to mix and match fragrances, or should my deodorant, body wash, and shampoo all be the same brand and scent? Also, I heard that after a while your body gets used to a given scent and it becomes less effective. Should I be switching up the scent every now and then? And as for the scents themselves (citrus, green, and spice), are there scents that are more appropriate for certain situations? For example, would one scent (like citrus) be more appropriate for work or class while another sent (like spice) be more appropriate for a date? Finally, in one column you suggest showering before bed. Does this mean I should shower twice a day? My skin is somewhat sensitive and showering twice a day might be a little harsh on it.

Now, on to fashion. My general style for the past decade is best described as “non-offensive”. Basically, jeans and a t-shirt. Usually a black t-shirt under the assumption that black is trimming. I’m white, of Scandinavian and Northern European background, with green-blue eyes and brown hair. I still need to figure out what my skin’s undertone is, but do you have any color suggestions based on my description? If I decide to go with a t-shirt and an overshirt should the colors be similar or contrasting? Are jeans okay, or should I wear slacks? Should I worry about the color of my belt? What about watches? It’s been a while since I actually wore a watch, I just use my phone for time, but when I did wear a watch it was always a digital one. Is that okay, or would a more traditional hand watch look more elegant? I don’t want to go too crazy with accessories right off the bat, but what about a necklace? I was thinking of one with Thor’s hammer on it to represent my Scandinavian roots. Or is that too phallic a symbol to be wearing around my neck?

Finally, home décor. I have a few posters and a scroll that I am definitely putting away, however, I have a couple of very nicely framed posters complete with museum glass. One is a poster of multiple connecting covers from the Street Fighter comic by Udon. The other is from one of the covers of DC’s Identity Crisis. With the framing and glass they both look very nice, but they are still pictures of animated characters mainly aimed at children (regardless of how dark and gritty DC keeps trying to make its properties). Even being nicely framed, do these still make my place look like a kids room? Do these really say “33-year-old man” or are women going to see them and just think “man-child”?

Now, before I end this long laundry list of questions that I call a letter, I have one more question that doesn’t fit into any of the aforementioned categories. One of the few things about my physical appearance that I have always actually been proud of is my smile. I am generally a very smiley person, and I have consistently gotten compliments on my smile throughout my life. However, I have read a couple of articles about apparent “studies” that suggest women find men more attractive when they don’t smile. Apparently it has something to do with smiling being considered “feminine”. Do you know if there is any truth to this? Should I stop all the smiling and try to emulate the solemn and serious faces of the guys from Twilight?

Thanks Doc!

Many Questions

DEAR MANY QUESTIONS: Brace yourselves folks, this is gonna be a LONG one.

Alright MQ, today, we’re going to do things a little differently. Usually when I pull letters for Ask Dr. NerdLove, I’m answering readers’ specific concerns or questions. Today, however, I chose your letter for two reasons. First, it’s because you provide an excellent example of something I see a lot of folks — especially men with relatively little social experience — do all the time: they overthink themselves into a sort of analysis paralysis. They become so worried that they need to perform so perfectly and specifically that they worry that even the slightest miscalculation will sink their chances at love like a U-boat sinking the Lusitania. As a result, they end up drastically over-complicating things to such a degree that they end up stuck and afraid to make a move at all.

Second, it provides an opportunity to talk a little about how to take charge of your self-improvement, how to find answers to a lot of your questions and apply those answers in a way that’s relevant to your life, instead of looking for a universal solution or singular critical path to success.

(Don’t worry MQ, I am going to address your questions and provide answers too. This is all part of the process.)

So let’s talk a little about getting out of your own way, shall we?

One of the things I notice right off the bat from your letter is how intensely detail oriented it is. This, in my experience, tends to be one of the first indicators that someone’s undergoing analysis paralysis — that is, they’ve become so caught up in collecting as much information as possible that their brans have vaporlocked. It’s a very particular type of executive dysfunction, where you’re suddenly trying to absorb and process so much information that you find yourself unable to move for fear of getting things wrong. And, in fairness: there’s a lot of folks out there who will tell you about how sweating the details is how you get ahead and not paying enough attention to the details will ruin you.

And… well, while that’s not entirely wrong, it’s not entirely right either. Especially when it comes to dating.

The first thing to keep in mind MQ, is that getting so caught up in the details is, in fact, another form of waiting for that mythical “right time” you’re trying to avoid. It doesn’t feel the same as, say, waiting until you’re at the exact right weight or musculature to start dating. In fact, it feels more like you’re trying to just answer nagging unresolved questions that are just the last steps before you feel ready to put yourself out there. But in practice, putting so much importance on incredibly fine details ends up having the same effect as waiting until you’re at $_Perfect_Weight in order to start dating. This isn’t to say that getting answers to those questions is bad; just that all too often, folks let those seemingly minor details or last questions derail the entire process.

This is what’s known as “letting the perfect become the enemy of the good”; you end up prioritizing perfection, even when the benefits provided by perfection are so minor that you ignore that “good enough” will get you where you want to be. Now, I know folks will say “what’s wrong with seeking perfection?” After all, to quote Robert Browning, a man’s reach should exceed his grasp or what’s a heaven for? And while seeking to reach for perfection is a fine ambition, all too often what happens is that you get hung up on imperfections that the vast majority of the world will never notice.

What I can tell you, from decades of experience, is that the vast majority of the world does not give a f--k about perfection. While there will always be assholes who will insist on absurd levels of detail as a means of gatekeeping, the remaining 99% would neither notice nor care about whether or not you’re wearing the “wrong scent for the season”. The zen of “good enough” means accepting that your imperfections aren’t automatically deal-breakers and that not knowing all the “rules” doesn’t doom you to failure. It means recognizing that perfection is an ideal, not a reality. Getting bogged down in trying to make sure everything is exactly right means you’re going to spend more time picking at things that only you would notice or even care about than you are actually dating. Clothes that aren’t the exact perfect color for your skin tone aren’t going to be nearly as much of an issue as you think, nor are a couple of framed pictures going to ruin things if you bring someone home.

Rather than getting lost in the fiddly details, you want to understand the broad brushstrokes. If you’re focused on the minutia, you never see the whole picture. So it’s better to zoom out, master the basics and then worry less about “rules” and more about customizing things so that they are emblematic of who you are and help you stand out the right way.

And the key to this is simple: you focus on the basics. Get a good grasp on those… and then you f--k around and find out. When you have that understanding of the basics and fundamentals, you’re able to explore more, experiment with more and figure out what will and won’t work for you. Then, rather than worrying about getting everything exactly “right”, you’re able to relax and recognize the differences and “imperfections” as the things that make you uniquely you.

Which is actually an excellent segue into your first question: making sure you smell good. Smell is an incredibly powerful sense — the olfactory bulb is connected to the part of our brain that controls memory and emotion — so making sure you smell nice is important.  Smelling bad — and “bad” past a certain point is very much a cultural construct — is associated with sickness and disease; rotting teeth, gangrenous wounds and the like. Because hygiene is important for general health, the most obvious indicator — scent — takes on great importance.

Most colognes and perfumes, for example, have very complex and layered scents; these actually change over the course of the day as the carrier liquid evaporates and your body heat and chemistry interacts with the scent. Expensive colognes, in particular, tend to have scents that develop over time; a hint of amber at the start, turning to more sandalwood as it warms against your skin. This is why the perfume counters at department stores will have little strips of paper that are used to sample the scents. You spray the cologne on the paper, then take the strip with you and see how it smells as the initial layer evaporates.

However, smelling nice is deeply personal and variable, in part because of individual body chemistry and because of emotional associations. Plenty of folks will have preferences, especially on people they date. Many prefer minimal or no scent if at all possible, especially if they have sensory issues. And while there’s value in making sure that your scent isn’t offensive or overwhelming to the person you’re hoping to date, trying to tailor your scent to the occasion or the person is a great way to drive yourself mad.

What I suggest is that you worry less about finding the “right” scent for others, and instead, look to find a scent that speaks to you as a person. Some folks like spicier scents for the sense of the exotic, while others like woodsier scents that invoke feelings of nature. Some like florals or fruiter scents like berries. The best scent for you is one that you think smells best on you and is in line with your identity. If you like the classics, a muskier scent might work. If you like smelling light and fresh, then a floral scent is excellent. There’re even scents that just smell “clean”  — subtle hints of ozone and petrichor, rather than plants or spices. Personally I’m a fan of amber, sandalwood and vanilla, but that’s just me.

What I suggest is that instead of switching one out for day and night or work vs. date, I would recommend finding a scent that speaks to you and let that be your signature — something that folks associate with you. It is less about following the “rules” and more about cultivating a personal, signature style, one that screams “this is MQ”. Now, this is something that can take time and experimentation, and I recommend figuring out the general scent family and working out from there; the sales associates at the perfume and cologne counters will be able to help you pick one or two candidates to try. However, when it comes to scent there’s one rule that’s inviolate: nobody  should be able to smell you unless they’re close enough to kiss. The problem with Axe isn’t the scent so much as the amount. Part of why it became synonymous with douchebaggery (outside of an atrocious ad campaign) is that people would douse themself with the stuff and became ambulatory Stinking Clouds. Your personal scent should never have an area of effect beyond your embrace; too much of any scent, no matter how nice, ends up becoming a chemical weapon instead.

Clothing is, likewise, an issue of expression as much as it is about following the right “rules”. Understanding the basics — formal wear vs. casual wear, for example — is important. There are some decent guides to clothing basics out there, such as Debrett’s Guide For The Modern Gentleman; they can be a little on the conservative side, but they’re a good way of picking up the fundamentals. However, when you understand the basics, you’re in a position to start bending — or even breaking — the rules to meet your personal style and sense of expression. Confidence and a sense of personal style let you ignore or twist the so-called “rules” in ways that make it possible to express your individual identity. This is part of how celebrities will often “get away” with wearing unusual or unorthodox outfits that still look great; they know which rules can be bent, which can be broken and what makes them all work.

And the one rule that absolutely cannot be broken is very simple: fit trumps literally everything else. If your clothes don’t fit properly, it doesn’t matter how expensive or cheap they are, what color they are or what style. A hundred dollar suit from JC Penny’s that’s been tailored to fit you properly will look far better than an Armani that makes you look like you’re a ten year old playing dress up in Daddy’s clothes. Part of why Billy Porter and Harry Styles look amazing even when they’re wearing outré couture is because they’re still wearing clothes that fit them. Porter isn’t just wearing a dress, he’s wearing a dress that fits him perfectly. That alone makes it look less like a bid for attention; he didn’t just grab a remaindered prom dress and call it a day, he got a dress that is very clearly for him.

If your clothes fit you correctly, then everything else is far more flexible. You’re in a better position to experiment with color, texture or breaking other rules. Confidence and individuality — especially consistency in style — tend to mean that what would look unusual or out of place on one person will look perfectly natural on the right person. If I wear a three-piece suit with a v-neck tee, I’m doing so because it’s a calculated style choice and I understand how it all fits together. If I dress in a way to emphasize my visible tattoos, it’s because I’m deliberately drawing attention to them and contrasting them with the outfit. It looks right on me because it matches my personality and I’m doing it with intention and care.

One thing that helps: find yourself a role model. Pick a celebrity that has coloring similar to yours and see what stylists put him in. What colors is he wearing most often, what sorts of clothes look good on him? These can give you ideas about what you might want to try next or how you might want to break those rules. However, it’s important to remember: that’s a starting point and a guide, not iron clad law. It’s for inspiration, not restriction.

Now, it does help to start by going simple. Part of what sinks folks who get hung up on “what about this detail? What about this?” is that they try to do too much when they should be doing less. When you go with simple and basic, you have a canvas on which to paint, and it makes those small details pop more instead of overwhelming things. So having a basic outfit — say, black jeans, a white button-down shirt, simple leather sneakers — means that the personal touch you do put to it will jump out at folks. If, for example, you add a silk knit tie with a tiebar and a black bomber jacket over that, you have a deceptively simple outfit that stands out in an understated way. It’s classy and stylish and different from what most folks would wear, but not so outrageous that you feel like you’re wearing a costume. But as you grow and gain experience and confidence, you can take bigger and more significant risks — maybe that jacket would have a pattern to make it stand out, or you may swap out the jacket for a victorian-style red and black waistcoat for a pop of color. Simplicity allows you to dress up or dress down as needed, and makes the rest stand out in the way that you intend.

However, again: start slowly. Pick one thing to stand out, until you get your metaphorical sea-legs under you. That one statement piece — which may be a jacket, a flashy watch, something — is there to catch the eye; everything else supports it. As you get more experienced, you can add more and find the things that fit your sense of self, your sense of style and your personality. That way, when you break the rules, you’re doing so deliberately and with a purpose.

(And as an aside: be aware that how you dress and what you wear does convey messages about who you are, and that can work against you. The Mjolnir pendant you mention thinking of wearing isn’t going to come across as too phallic… but it may cause folks to make unwarranted assumptions about your politics and racial views. Nazis have appropriated a lot of Nordic symbology — including the Valknut, Odin’s ravens, the Othala and the Wolfsangel runes. Some, like the Mjolnir pendant, can be edge-cases, but it’s worth being aware of how folks will take it.)

That guide of “understand the fundamentals, then let your personality shine through” applies to decor as well. Once again, focusing on specific pieces risks missing the forest for the trees. Yes, how you decorate your place will affect how potential dates see you… but it’s far less about what you have on your walls and more about the holistic living space and overall vibe.  The reason why women will talk about man-children — and why there’re so many folks who enjoy laughing at single dudes’ living spaces — is because of how little care and effort guys will put into their pad. The stereotypical “manchild” apartment doesn’t look like Steve Carell in The 40 Year Old Virgin, it looks like the Delta Tau Chi frathouse.

For all that it’s crammed with toys and gear, Carrell’s apartment is fairly neat and organized. It’s clearly not intended to be a shared living space, which is its own issue, but it’s not egregious by any stretch, except to folks who think that growing up means not loving the things you did as a kid. The Animal House look, on the other hand, tends to be far more common and screams that the people who live there never progressed past having other people taking care of things for them while they live like slobs. Part of what singles out the manchildren from everyone else is how little care or personality goes into where they live and where their priorities lie. When their hierarchy of needs is “TV, gaming system, sound system, everything else”, it tells people what they consider to be important, and how little concern they give to anything outside of those specific interests.

That, in turn, tells folks a lot of what life would be like dating them.

While finances will obviously affect your ability to decorate your place, there’s a difference between financially-induced minimalism and “just doesn’t give a s--t.” There’s little care, less effort and even less personality; just bare walls, a carpet that makes distressing crunching noises and a bedroom that even the cockroaches abandoned in favor of a place more upscale. Putting even the barest effort — even just a painted accent wall and a couple of living plants — can make the difference between “manchild” and “spartan but comfortable”.

This is part of why having a few curated geek-interest pieces isn’t going to be a dealbreaker… with some caveats. Framed posters, for example, show care and effort, rather than sticking them straight to the wall with blu tack. It immediately moves things up from “freshman dorm room” to “a functioning adult lives here,” simply because it implies a greater level of care. Now, some posters or framed art is going to work better than others; a Mondo or Nakatomi print is going to come across as classier than the “got it out of the two-for-one bin at FYE”, but lots of movie posters and lobby cards are works of art in and of themselves. Sometimes the difference is to get a foreign language version. A vintage James Bond poster is one thing — not bad at all and it speaks to your personality. A vintage Italian James Bond movie poster elevates it, in part because of how it stands out.

Comic art can work the same way. I have framed pages from The Rocketeer and Xenozoic Tales, proudly displayed on my walls, along with tattoo prints and framed concert posters. They look great, in part because I had them professionally framed and matted. But some works lend themselves more to display than others. It doesn’t matter how you frame it, having Lady Death, Verotika or Zombie Tramp on your walls is likely to raise a few eyebrows. However, this also is where individual taste comes in. Personally, I don’t find the Udon Street Fighter covers to my taste, and I really didn’t like Identity Crisis overall, so I wouldn’t hang those on my wall. However, those can help demarcate a particular space or niche in your place — say, where you keep your graphic novels, shelved and organized. As long as that’s not the overarching theme of the entire apartment, then you’d be fine.

However, as I said: how you decorate and arrange things will tell folk a lot about what your priorities are. Having a space that’s neat, clean, inviting and comfortable goes a very long way to helping folks decide they want to spend time there. A little effort to create a space that invites people to relax in comfort goes a very long way. That includes a couch with some comfortable throw pillows, a bed that’s more than just a mattress on the ground and some plants that show you can keep a living thing alive. Browsing Pinterest can give you some excellent inspiration for how you can decorate a place — even on a budget — that is welcoming and appealing.

Now, you may notice how little direct recommendations I’ve given you. This is, in part, because one of the keys to all of this is to explore and find your own answers. Part of getting yourself in a good place to date is finding your own way, finding your own inspiration and taking chances. I can tell you how to dress like everyone else… but only you can dress like you. I have a lot of guides for you in my archives if you need a starting point, but part of the dating game is becoming the best, most polished version of yourself — and that requires seeking out ideas and trying new things, even if they may seem risky. It means being less worried about getting everything perfect and more about learning how to make mistakes. Sometimes that initial screw up can be a blessing in disguise.

Oh and one more thing: yes, for f--k’s sake, smile.  You’re not the goddamn Terminator, dude. You’ve gotten compliments on your smile, which should tell you something. A smile is warm, inviting and friendly. That whole “don’t show emotions, it’s too feminine” s--t just makes you look like you’re contemplating licking the inside of their ribcage.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: This is a question with a lot of background, so thanks for your patience.

I’m a 57 yo woman who has had an ongoing… thing… with a 71 yo career cop for 30 years. We met I was trying to get sober (I did shortly thereafter) and was just out of two quick, consecutive, abusive marriages. He didn’t tell me he was married at first; I found that out after sleeping with him a few times. I continued to see him over the next three decades. His wife died a dozen years ago and he took up with a girlfriend. He refused a traditional relationship with me but was happy to continue what we had.

I finally recognized that for me, he was the embodiment of the pinnacle of success that every NYC girl from a working-class immigrant family dreamt of – except that I never wanted the policeman/fireman husband and the house in East Cupcake with the barbecue in the backyard. I went to school and have forged my own path.

I have kept going back to him, though, because in many ways, he is a connection with a loving past that I never had (my childhood was horrific). I recently wound up living with him in his house for several months, and I have found out a few things.

He continues his pattern of disingenuousness. He did not tell his girlfriend he was sleeping with me, and he told me he knows she wishes he would change his mind and marry her, but he won’t, and he stays with her because it’s convenient. He went out and shagged some other woman while I was staying with him. When he owned up to it, his response was full of a lack of agency: “I really didn’t want to,” “we usually wind up sleeping together,” etc. Then he compared me to this woman and told me the sex was better with me!

From my viewpoint, the sex with him is lousy. When he touches me, it’s as though he is trying to wrestle with a rusty lug nut. It may have been better in the past, or I may have been less experienced, but it’s terrible now.

I had a separate bedroom in his house but mostly slept in his room. The few times he slept in “my” room, he said things like, “I’ll catch up with you later,” and “I hope I didn’t forget anything,” as though he were leaving my apartment to drive home instead of going down the hall to his own room.

His habits are so engrained. He has health problems: diabetes, HBP, bad back and knees. He smokes cigars, drinks too much, lies to his girlfriend, hangs out at Hooters, and sleeps around. I suspect he tries to fill in empty spaces within himself but that the effects are only temporary.

He has stated he does not want to remarry, and despite the fact that I wanted a relationship with him for many years, I see now that it would not work with him. He told me I am a square peg (I am, it’s true), and that I would have to sand off my edges to fit into his round hole. I can’t do that, so that’s that. I agreed with him that it wouldn’t work, and he seemed surprised. I think he’s also confused because he is not in touch with any of his other affairs. I moved away, but I kept in touch over the years. I see that he breadcrumbed me for years and allowed me to entertain fantasies about a future with him that he knew he had no intention of fulfilling, as he is doing with his girlfriend.

He does have good points. He has given me job references and helped me financially over the years. I have repaid all the money. He allowed me to stay in his home, even when he went out of town for several weeks. On the other hand, while he did attend two funerals with me in the past, he ditched me for my son’s wedding.

I am confused about why he trusts me and tells me the truth when he lies to his girlfriend. He trusted me not to tell his wife about the affair, and now, not to tell his girlfriend. I feel icky about the lies and complicit in his dishonesty. Also, I wonder about whether I was a victim. Was he taking advantage of an emotionally vulnerable person? Did I participate in that? I spent a lot of time over the years wondering why I was always available when he called.

Now I’m not sure what to think or feel, although I do feel kind of dumb to be dealing with these issues at my age. I would appreciate your perspective.

Not Lost Anymore

DEAR NOT LOST ANYMORE: Not gonna like NLA: I have no goddamn idea why you kept going back to this dude. I mean, the sex is lousy, he treated you with contempt, he was cheating on all of his partners with you and made it clear that he had absolutely no interest in treating you like an equal, a partner or even with anything other than the bare minimum of whatever it took to keep you coming back around.

And why should he? I mean, look at all the s--t you write about him and the way he treated you and you still kept going back. Even from a strictly utilitarian point of view, dude had absolutely no reason or incentive to change his ways. Leaving “maybe it’s good to not treat someone I sleep with like s--t” or “I am hurting someone and I should stop” aside and looking at this with pure, cold-blooded calculation… there’s no motivation or incentive on his part to change. There’s not even a glimmer of “well, if I want NLA to stay, I have to change things up”.

That’s part of why he’s continued to trust you and tell you about how he’s been lying to his wife and to his girlfriend. He trusts you with all of this because you’ve never gave him reason not to. You never told any of his partners that you exist, you’ve never advocated for your own needs, your own pleasure… he gets exactly what he wants from you with no pushback.

Though, to be blunt: I don’t exactly see that there’s any value in pushing back. I mean, I’m sorry, the person you’ve described is garbage. Bad sex, s--tty treatment, disrespect and he’s cheating on his partners with you? Woah, what a total catch! And again, in the spirit of blunt honesty: his “good points” are baseline at best and certainly doesn’t make up for the giant pile of steaming sentient horse s--t that is the rest of him.

I don’t think you were victimized or being taken advantage of; at least, I don’t think this guy was some Svengali who was manipulating you in secret and sinister ways. I think that you were trying to fill a need and there was something about him that at least felt like it was fulfilling you. A lot of times, we end up in s--tty relationships because there’s that one thing that we’re getting from it. The problem is when we let that one thing blind us to the rest of their bulls--t and, worse, we fail to realize that we can get that need met without the death of a thousand mistreatments that comes with them.

In your case, it may well be as you say: it felt like a way of connecting with an idealized past you never had. Problem is, the present was s--tty and the future ain’t showing any signs of change. Which, again, brings the question of “why in pluperfect hell is he even vaguely in your life again?”

I think the best thing you can do for yourself is figure out exactly what this dude is bringing in your life. Not the relationship — that’s clearly not great  — but just the thing that makes you come back again and again. Get to the root of that, and you’ll be in a much better place. Specifically, a place where a) you can figure out a healthier way to meet this need, b) and find a better partner in the future and c) where he is nowhere to be seen.

The next best thing you can do for yourself is dump this guy. Dump him so hard his ancestors feel it. Cut all ties, burn all the bridges behind you and don’t bother roasting marshmallows in the blaze because the smoke is probably gonna be enough to turn the whole area into a relationship Superfund site. And if he does reach back out or tries to pull you back into his orbit, do yourself a favor and light the dude up so much that people will speak of what happened to him in hushed tones, leaving his shattered remains as a lesson to children in the future about how not to behave with people who care about you.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: Is it true that flirting and attraction are skills, and like all skills, require making mistakes and learning from them?

It seems based on everything, these are skills that can be worked on. However, all skills require making mistakes and learning from them so the person learning doesn’t do them again. However, unlike most skills, flirting and attraction have the very real risk of hurting women when learning them, things like sexual harassment, bringing up trauma, or just being creepy is definitely possible. These can lead to, at the very least, a worse reputation, ostracization, or worse. I’m pretty sure if dancing had these kinds of risks, and the people who did these kinds of things to people who were still learning dancing weren’t just seen as assholes, there would be a lot less people who are into dancing.

But when it comes to flirting and attraction, that seems to be the one skill where people expect perfection from the beginning when trying it. So how is a man supposed to get better at it?

Beginner’s Nerves

DEAR BEGINNER’S NERVES: Gonna level with you BN: what you’re doing here isn’t jumping to conclusions so much as vaulting past them and ending up in different territory entirely.

Yes, flirting, knowing how to connect with someone and understanding how to build chemistry and attraction are skills. This is, literally, why they’re called social skills. And yes, as with all skills, you improve them through deliberate practice. There are no skillsets that are built or improved without practice, and the way you practice those skillsets is through using them.

The disconnect that you’re having is that you’re assuming results that are not only not typical, they’re edge-cases at best. This is akin to someone being worried that if they take a chemistry class in high-school, the logical conclusion is that they’re almost inevitably going to blow up the lab if they make the slightest mistake. You’re not looking at the logical extension of the situation, you’re looking at worst-case scenarios born out of anxiety. The things you’re imagining — sexually harassing someone by accident, causing trauma, getting ostracized — are all fears, and it’s blown so far out of proportion that you’re looking at a funhouse mirror version of reality.

I think part of the issue here is that you seem to have a distorted idea of exactly how one learns how to connect with women, how to flirt with them or otherwise get to a place to start dating. It seems that you’re expecting to have to go full-tilt boogie from the jump, charging into the dating scene like an oversexed Pepe LePew, latching yourself onto the first attractive woman you see and begging them to come with you to zee Casbah.

(Nevermind that this is a reference to the movie Algiers and the line is never actually said by anyone…)

Now, if that is how you’re practicing flirting, then yes, you’re far more likely to get into trouble. But honestly… that’s not how it works. That’s not how folks learn how to flirt, nor is it how folks ask people out for dates. Flirting is conversation. While there are many, many ways to flirt and many different styles of flirting, at its core, all flirting is just letting someone know you find them attractive in a fun and engaging manner. That’s it. Can you pay your friends a compliment or tell them that they look good today? Can you make jokes with people without offending them or pissing them off? Then guess what? You can flirt without worrying that you’re about to get a visit from the Slap Fairy.

I think you’re having two issues here.

The first issue is simple: you’re assuming that flirting is relentlessly sexual to an absurd degree. And, in fairness, there’re dudes out there who think that the key to flirting is to constantly be bringing up sex, steering conversations towards sex or turning everything into innuendo a la Austin Powers. However, those are people who tend to be bad at flirting. The folks who are good at flirting, even incredibly sexual flirting understand that flirting is about having fun and keeping things light and playful. You don’t go hammer and tongs with the sexual aspect; you use it incredibly lightly and sparingly and in ways that allow folks to either build on it or ignore it. Craig Ferguson is famous for his sexually tinged flirting during interviews, but part of what makes him fun instead of creepy is that he reads the room. If you watch some of the clips of him interviewing various actresses, you’ll notice that he’ll either make a mild innuendo or ribald joke and then wait for the other person to respond. If she gives a positive response  — especially if she flirts back — then he’ll build on the moment. If she doesn’t, then he drops things and moves on. That allows his interactions to have a playful give-and-take, one that is premised on everyone having a good time and being in on the joke.

You’ll also notice how rarely he flirts in a way that makes someone uncomfortable. He never comes across as the horny guy, nor are his comments about how much he wants to dick someone down. It’s often either about how awesome the other person is or an intentional comedic misunderstanding.

Another key to understanding flirting is that, in a real way, flirting is about creating a permission structure for someone to do something they want to do. As I’ve said before: think of being at the pool on a hot day. The pool is nice and cool, but someone isn’t sure that they want to get in. Flirting is how you persuade someone that they should get in. Maybe you talk about how nice and refreshing the water is and how great it is to float in the sun. Maybe you encourage them to get into a splash-fight with you. Or perhaps you use a joking form of reverse psychology, telling them that it’s like ice and they’d be miserable if they got in so it’s better that they stay out in the sweltering heat.

And flirting doesn’t even need to be sexual. One of the best examples of non-sexual flirting I’d seen recently was someone who jokingly asked his Hinge match if she’d want to steal his comfiest hoodie and whether she’d prefer the olive green or burgundy one. When she said the olive green one, he responded with “Sweet, I’ll wear that on our first date. Speaking of, when is that?”

His match was impressed with the smoothness of the line and the humor. He got the date.

What makes this work is how low-key and low-stakes the interaction is. To start with, he’s flirting with someone that he met in a dating context — so a place where flirting isn’t just normal but expected. Similarly, it’s clearly playful, based on the common experience of women “borrowing” their boyfriend’s hoodies or sweatshirts and keeping them. By framing the situation as a hypothetical — would she be interested in stealing his comfiest hoodie — he’s creating a mini role-play game, where she’s already his girlfriend and thus likely to abscond with his sweatshirt. By playing along — saying yes she would, saying which she would rather take — she’s engaging him at that level. By playing along, she’s demonstrating her own interest and building on the scenario he created. The pivot at the end — “I’ll wear this on our first date”  — is both a display of confidence and underlining his romantic interest in her. By saying “which is when, again?” he’s now making it clear: he’s asking her on a date, and doing so in a way that lets her say “yes” or “no” as she chooses.

The second issue you’re having is that you’re assuming that your interest is inherently unwanted, offensive or otherwise an imposition on others. You’re coming to this from a place where you think that you have to work to get yourself out of a hole and hope that you can build to “neutral” before actually getting to “attracted”. This isn’t an issue with flirting or even learning how to flirt and everything to do with the belief that you’re undesirable or that people would be offended by your being interested in them. And while I can understand that anxiety — been there, done that, built my entire career off learning how to overcome it — it’s still just anxiety. Part of learning how to build your social skills is understanding that being attracted to someone is inherently neutral. It’s what you do about that attraction that makes the difference.

If you talk with someone, vibe with them and then ask them on a date? Then odds are that the worst you’re likely to experience is someone saying “thank you, but no.” People don’t sexually harass folks unintentionally, and being a creeper tends to involve being almost willfully oblivious to the other person’s comfort or lack of interest. The folks who end up being creepers are the folks who ignore someone’s disinterest or treat it as something that they can get around. The guy who keeps taking “no” for “try harder”, the guy who thinks it’s appropriate to track someone down on social media after she swiped left on Bumble, or who gets inappropriate on social media? Those are folks who are being creepy; they disregard someone else’s disinterest because they feel entitled to her time and attention. If you can read the room, prioritize people’s comfort and — importantly — take “no thanks” with good grace? Then you’re gonna be fine.

And here’s the thing to keep in mind: most of the time, the mistakes you’re going to make aren’t going to be the world-enders you’re imagining. If you realize that you’ve stepped on a metaphorical landmine, touched a nerve or otherwise said or done something offensive, then you apologize.  You don’t give a non-apology or a passive-voice “sorry you were offended” apology, you say “oh, hey, I’m sorry” and then you don’t do it again. People, as a rule, are willing to give you the benefit of the doubt and interact with you in good faith. If you demonstrate that you recognize that you made a mistake and step back from it, then they’re usually going to accept that apology. It may mean any chance of a date is gone, but it’s still not the disaster that you think it’ll be.

You’ve almost certainly made jokes with your friends that fell flat. It’s not the greatest feeling in the world, but a moment of “ugh, that was awkward” isn’t going to destroy you. More often than not, everyone moves on and the moment is forgotten. That’s what most mistakes are like when you’re developing your social skills; momentary awkwardness that’s soon forgotten. Flirting with someone who turns out not to be interested? Not that big a deal, certainly not going to lead to your getting kicked out of society — assuming that, again, you take “no thank you” or “not interested” with grace and move on.

If you’re making incredibly offensive, hurtful or obscene comments, jokes or gestures or becoming Captain Bad Touch, then yeah, you’re going to get bounced. But most folks, especially people trying to polish their social skills aren’t doing that. They’re just talking, trying to ping for interest and asking people out on dates. So, seriously: turn the dial down a few notches, king. You’re inventing trouble where it doesn’t exist, based on exaggerated fears and unrealistic ideas about what flirting and socializing look like. Focus on just getting comfortable talking to people and find the flirting style that works with your personality. Everything else is just conversation.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com