DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I (F, straight, cis, 29) am really f--king furious about something and I think I need a guy with lots of male-female insight to talk me off the ledge.

In a therapy session last night with my AMAZING sex therapist (whom I decided to start seeing a few months ago to work out some hangups I had about racial identity, body image, and sexuality), we sort of came to a bummer of a conclusion about a consistent dating hiccup I have.

Basically, I run into this problem where I’ll meet a guy, we’ll be flirty and friendly and I think maybe it could go somewhere, and then as soon as I make any sort of half-move beyond benign flirtation, he backs off with lightning speed. It’s really uncanny. And very disappointing and frustrating.

After recounting my most recent experience with this behavior and explaining how insane it is that this keeps happening and how it’s really starting to weigh on me, I wondered aloud if it could have anything to do with the fact that many of the guys in my social circles are White and I’m Black (biracial, actually), and on top of that, I’m fat (actually the national average, but that’s considered fat by cultural standards). I posited that these guys don’t even see me as a viable romantic option at all, just a “non-threatening” female that they can get something from without putting in any effort themselves–someone they don’t have to try with. Considering some of my male “friends” (I use the term loosely because of what I’m about to explain) are actually in relationships or married and still flirt with me and conveniently omit any mention of their partners when we spend time together (always platonically; I would never start something with a guy in a relationship), this seems like it could definitely be the reason. Their partners, if they did find out how these men talk to me (definitely in a way they wouldn’t interact with male friends), probably wouldn’t like it if I were a conventionally attractive White woman, but because I look the way I look they deem their flirtation harmless and safe.

I should also say that it’s not particularly difficult to find men who want to have sex with me, but as soon as anything more than that is on the table they put their hands up and back away like I might permanently injure them. Anyway, my therapist, who is also a Black woman, agreed that all of the above is totally a realistic possibility. I think hearing that from someone who looks like me, and not just a platitude of “No, you’re amazing, any guy would be lucky to have you, I honestly don’t understand why guys aren’t tripping over themselves and each other to get to you” (which I hear a lot from my female friends who don’t looks like me), was simultaneously refreshing and very depressing.

The thing is, there’s a PERSON on the other end of that flirtation. I think I’m pretty good at discerning the difference between casual flirting and something more pointed, and the times I’ve tried to nudge things in a more romantic direction have been the latter. I don’t think I’m hopeless at reading cues. These guys like getting attention from me and seem to enjoy my company. Until I indicate that I might actually want something from them, and then they WITHOUT FAIL gaslight me into thinking there was absolutely no flirtation or intent on their end. (I should say that the gaslighting happens when I call them out on it, which I don’t do often because every time I have I get the exact same shady-ass response. And, by the way, I have witnesses who attest to these guys’ flirtatious behavior.)

I hope what I’ve outlined so far is comprehensible. I’m clearly a ball of angry, anxious, sad, lonely energy. I don’t even know if I have a question, but I’d love to hear your take on why men do this and whether you think I’m totally crazy for being so f--king over it all. I’m so sick of being treated like my feelings don’t matter, and then being told that the things I’m feeling were based on nothing to begin with. I’m a writer by profession, so maybe I just need to write a book about this or something so people will believe me and maybe even start holding men more accountable. I don’t know. I feel like my anger about this is making me bitter and less open to the men who I’m sure do exist out there who would be open to–or even thrilled!–to date me. I don’t want to close myself off to them, but experiencing this same exciting-then-ultimately-disappointing interaction over and over is really starting to break me.

P.S. My amazing sex therapist also brought up the good point that it would be worth expanding my social circles, and I agree. That said, I’m stuck in my city for work and obviously the pandemic has put a damper on major socializing efforts. I do have a very diverse group of friends, but our industry is pretty overwhelmingly White and image-conscious. (Can you guess which industry I’m talking about?) I also don’t date using apps anymore because I have done that a TON in the past and I’m burnt out; plus, they’re super racist and that makes me feel very icky and I’m allowed to choose to avoid situations that make me feel that way.

Thanks,

Black Ladies Have Feelings Too

DEAR BLACK LADIES HAVE FEELINGS TOO: Before we get started, BLHFT, I want to give my standard disclaimer: I’m a cis, hetero white guy. As a result, I’m not going to have the same perspective or experiences on the intersection of race and gender that a BIPOC woman would, and there’re likely going to be nuances that I wouldn’t immediately think of or recognize. As such, I’d love for my female readers — especially women of color — to share their perspective in the comments.

So with that in mind: I think that you’re right. I think there’s a certain amount of “this person is safe to flirt with because nothing could possibly happen” going on here, and unfortunately, I think that quite a bit of it comes down to race and weight. Now, some of this could sound mystifying; why would dudes — straight, white dudes, specifically — be flirting with you specifically because they assume nothing could happen? Wouldn’t the point of flirting be moving things towards sexytimes?

Well… not always.

There’re two general types of flirting: flirting with and without intent. Flirting with intent is fairly self-evident; the whole point is to build attraction and move things towards a less platonic dimension. Flirting without intent, on the other hand, is a somewhat different beast. The people who flirt without intent (that is, they don’t have any intent to take things further than just flirting) do so for a number of reasons. The most common reason is that flirting is fun, and doesn’t necessarily need to lead anywhere. People can and often do flirt with one another just because they enjoy the banter and the back-and-forth of it, even though there’s a tacit acknowledgement that this is all there is and all there’s likely to be.

However, there’re also folks who flirt without intent because they like the charge they get from knowing others still find them attractive. This behavior knows neither gender nor sexuality; straight, gay, bi and pan folks do it, cis, trans and nonbinary folks do it, and it can often be an incredibly confusing and frustrating experience. There’re straight dudes who will flirt with gay dudes, despite not being interested in them, straight women who’ll flirt with men despite being in a monogamous relationship and so on. The problem here is that the folks who’re flirting without intent… usually aren’t making a point of letting the folks they’re flirting with know what’s up.  That, after all, would change the dynamic of the flirting and thus ruin the game. So as a result, you have people who are flirting in good faith, under the assumption that this other person is interested in them… only to make a move and have them pull back like “Woaaaah, who said anything about doing stuff?”

(That being said: I suspect that at least a couple of the dudes flirting with you probably are attracted to you, but haven’t gotten past the social messaging bulls--t around dating fat women. They may be down to clown, but only if nobody knows about it. Which is its own ball of dehumanizing bulls--t.)

And part of what’s especially frustrating for people on the receiving end of this behavior — people like you, BLHFT — is that folks who flirt like this will often deliberately choose people they’re not attracted to. They might rationalize it to themselves as “look at how open-minded I am,” but part of the point is that because they’re unattracted to their flirting partners, they feel free to be to flirt in ways they might not if the stakes were “real”. After all, if they flirt with someone they wanted to hook up with and it didn’t work… well, they just burned that connection didn’t they? But with someone who’s “safe”? Sky’s the limit because hey, who cares if it doesn’t work out. Paradoxically, that exact attitude is part of why the person being flirted with would assume that this person is flirting with intent and gets frustrated and angry to find out that they were misled.

As an aside: as someone who does recommend that people treat flirting as practice… one of the things to recognize is that there’s a difference between “practice” and “flirting with someone who doesn’t know you’re not interested in them”. It’s the difference between a pair of boxers sparring for practice and arranging a match with someone who isn’t a challenge, purely for hype; one is mutually agreed upon, the other is using another person to boost your own profile and ego. The point of flirting for practice is to not get invested in the outcome, so you can relax instead of analyzing every micro-expression for meaning. If it works out, excellent; if it doesn’t… well, hey, it’s practice, so don’t get bent out of shape about it. Learn from it, try again some other time.

Now, for the bad news: unfortunately, there’s not really much that you can do. A--holes are gonna ass, and as long as they can get what they want — the thrill of someone finding them attractive — then there’s no real incentive for them to stop. The problem, of course, is how many of them play it off like they’re serious right up until you reciprocate. While it’s a curious game and the only way to win is not to play… it can be difficult to tell that it’s a game in the first place. I think in this case, the best option is to assume that your “friends” and colleagues who pull this aren’t serious… unless or until they can actually demonstrate their sincerity. If and only if they do so, would I say that you could start flirting back.

I think there’s also a benefit to taking a break and deciding that you’re closed for business (as it were) for a while. Dating can be frustrating enough; it’s that much worse when folks are actively f--king with you and then gaslighting you when you call them out on it. Taking a break gives you a chance to recoup your energy, let your frustrations fade and keep you from developing a callus on your soul. Prioritizing yourself for a bit can be helpful, both as self-care and also giving yourself the emotional space to recalibrate your Spidey-sense to better detect the games-players out there.

I also think that your therapist is correct: it’s well worth expanding your social circle, especially if your industry “friends” are playing games like this. While the ongoing pandemic does make it trickier, it’s still possible to socialize and find groups and organizations that are not only your speed, but have folks who don’t treat their single friends like dopamine dispensers. It also means you’re more likely to find folks who do want to date someone awesome like you, instead of just faking it for s--ts and giggles. You deserve better than that and you know what you’re worth. So give yourself time, find a better class of friend and when you’re ready, go out and get what you’re worth.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’m a 43 year old single dad who has a lot on his plate right now. Probably too much, at least the way I see it, to pursue a serious relationship. I’m also a late bloomer, so in my case dates and sexual encounters have been rare, other than the one relationship I’ve been in, which surprisingly to me lasted over seven years.

At present I’ve been single for close to eight and in this time period I’ve been on five dates which didn’t lead to anything and sex (yes, it was with my ex) has happened two or three times. Also, I’ll mention that most of my experience has been from online dating, which may or may not hold relevance to the issue at hand in this letter.

I keep snakes (6) and tarantulas (5) as pets. I also have a cat, but cats usually aren’t an issue with most women I’ve met. The other ones though… Oh my. I’ve had several women abruptly quit messaging me because of them. I mean immediately after mentioning them when they ask about my hobbies and passions. I understand why. Not many women in my age group want to date the crazy snake man. Not to intentionally quote Chandler from Friends. The thing is, keeping and learning about these animals has been a lifelong passion of mine. I even tried to make a career of it by studying Zoology as an undergrad, though it didn’t work out due to other problems.

So on top of the other stuff on my plate, which has led me to avoid anything serious, I have a fairly unusual hobby that makes it difficult to even pursue something casual. I don’t want to give it up. Yet snakes don’t make for good companions.

How does one bring up things like unusual hobbies in a conversation, or really anything that isn’t mainstream or maybe taboo (I have a couple uncommon kinks as well) which could easily turn someone away? To note, I’ve tried to seek out women who are into the hobby and the few I’ve met were either young enough to be my daughter or in a relationship.

I’ll add further that it’s not something that I can hide. I live in a small apartment (house hunting is something I’m working on) and the only place for their enclosures is right next to my bed.

I mean, should I even be trying at this point?

Snake Dad Guy

DEAR SNAKE DAD GUY: This, as I’m often saying, is a classic case of “the problem you have isn’t the problem you think you have,” SDG. But before I get to that, let’s talk about dealbreakers and disclosure.

Everybody is going to have things that, for them, are dealbreakers; things that turn a “yes” into a “NOPE”, regardless of everything else that potential partner has to offer. Those dealbreakers are going to vary from person to person. Some people will never date a guy who smokes. Some folks are very clear that they only want to date someone who shares (or is willing to convert to) their religion and values. Some folks won’t date Republicans, some won’t date Democrats, some poly folks won’t date people who’re married and everyone should refuse to date anti-vaxxers and folks who refuse to get the COVID vaccine.

Everybody’s dealbreakers are valid… for them, at least. You might think somebody’s hard ‘no’ is absurd or overly picky, but that’s the thing about people’s boundaries and limits: they ain’t a democracy. If someone has decided that they will never date a person who’s under 6’5″ and isn’t a countertenor, then that’s their business.

(If they go around telling people unprompted that they’d never date a person who is X or who does Y… well, that’s generally a sign they’ve got something else going on, but that’s a different topic all together.)

Now, some dealbreakers are going to be more common than others. It’s not going to be that unusual to encounter folks who, for example, just simply aren’t interested in dating someone who’s in a committed relationship. Doesn’t matter that this person is ethically non-monogamous and it’s all on the up and up; that’s going to be a hard pass for a lot of folks. The same is going to be true for someone who — in your case — owns and raises multiple snakes and spiders. There’re a whole lot of women out there who have an aversion to snakes, arachnids, or both. Or they may be ok with a snake or a spider but not multiples.

And even the folks who are ok with it may well draw the line at having them near where sex is gonna happen.

(That’s not all that unusual in general; I mean, how many people do you know would be uncomfortable if the dog or cat were in the room when they were having sex?)

As a general rule of thumb, I believe that, if there’s something about you that is going to be a dealbreaker for folks, then the best thing you can do is be up front about it and bring it up early on, ideally in your profile on dating apps or before you get together for a date. This allows folks  to make an informed decision as to whether or not they’re willing to consider you as a potential partner, knowing that you have this factor that might affect their decision. It means that more people are going to pass on you than they might otherwise… but then again, if it was a hard limit for them before they met you, it’s likely to remain one after.

Now with that being said, there is a school of thought — and one that I somewhat agree with — that it’s not necessarily a bad thing to give it a date or two before bringing it up so that people can have a chance to know you rather than whatever mental image they have about people who do X or have Y. It’s a divisive position (to put it mildly) and one that I think is only selectively appropriate, but it’s an option that exists.

I don’t, however, think that applies in your case, SDG. You have an unusual hobby, and it’s one that’s gonna trigger a pretty strong emotional response from folks. Leaving aside stereotypes propped up by pop-culture, lots of folks are just ooged out by snakes, insects, arachnids and other non-traditional pets. That, unfortunately, is going to just be a thing you’re going to have to contend with. You really only have two options here: you either rehome the snakes and spiders and accept that this hobby was too much of an obstacle and your other goals were ultimately more important, or you accept that lots and lots of women are gonna nope out so fast that they leave a human-shaped cloud behind.

However, let’s get back to the “problem you have isn’t the problem you think you have” part. Here’s the real problem that you’re dealing with: you’re marketing yourself to the wrong people. There’s a saying that I quote a lot that’s applicable here: “you don’t want to be everyone’s cup of tea; you want to be a few people’s shot of whiskey”. The problem with broad appeal is that it tends to be shallow appeal. It’s nice… but generally people aren’t attracted to “nice”, nor does “nice” translate into something that last. That more acquired taste, however, tends to have a much deeper appeal for the folks who have gone out of their way to acquire it. Lots of folks think that Scotch tastes like bandages soaked in iodine… but for some, there’s nothing finer than a dram of a good Highland or Speyside. And for those folks, only Scotch will do.

You’re functionally an acquired taste, SDG. Your hobby is intensely polarizing and provokes a strong reaction in a lot of people. However, there’re women out there who love them some creepy-crawlies. They think snakes are precious noodle-friends with adorable snoots, that spiders are fascinating and tarantulas are unjustly maligned. Your biggest issue isn’t that women find your hobby unusual and off-putting, it’s that you’re making it harder for women who love reptiles and arachnids to find you. And I promise you: they’re out there. Trust me, I know several folks who squee over the stuff that squicks others out.

Now I know you said you’ve looked for other folks in the hobby and found women who were either too young or partnered up. But that’s only half the battle. Those are the folks who you found, not the sum totality of the people who’re out there. The other half of this particular battle is to make sure that others — the ones you don’t know about or who may not travel in the same circles as you — are able to find you.

This is why you want to be up front about your less traditional pets, especially in your dating profile: it not only waves off folks who aren’t compatible with you — the various women who go radio silent on you — but it makes it much easier for folks who love reptiles and arachnids to find you. It’s good dating app SEO, as it were. While yes, this will cut down the number of messages and matches, it also means that when you do match with someone, it’ll be because you’re the shot of whiskey they’ve been looking for, when everyone else has been offering them tea.

Though, honestly: finding a bigger place is a smart idea too; it’ll be easier to find folks who might be willing to take a chance on you if staying the night didn’t mean running the risk of bumping into the tarantula enclosure when they get up to use the bathroom in the middle of the night.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I am getting to know a girl who I feel is very compatible with me. We have similar interests, she’s attractive, and most importantly we share similar views on future life goals. She is very kind, empathetic, and fun to talk to.

I expressed my feelings towards her and while she understands and likes me, she said that any semblance of long distance relationships give her feelings of trauma due to past relationships. I don’t want to force her to unpack anything she doesn’t want to just because I want a shot at being with her. But right now we’re at this stage of flirty friends. I want to give the situation more time before formulating anything concrete, but I feel like I have to just go with the flow and see if an opportunity presents itself where distance isn’t an issue (e.g. a trip where one of us visits the city of the other). She’s expressed that if we so happen to be in the same city she’d love to date me, but doesn’t want me to be the only reason I visit her city.

I could use another perspective because on one hand, long distance sucks. But on the other, with so many people in this world, who’s to say the right person for you necessarily lives in the same city as you?

Thanks for your time.

Somewhere Across the Sea

DEAR SOMEWHERE ACROSS THE SEA: There really isn’t much to be done here, SAS. Your potential honeybunny has made per position pretty clear: she may like you and would date you if you two lived in the same city, but she won’t do long distance. Like I just said to Snake Dad Guy, everyone’s going to have their dealbreakers; one of hers just happens to be long-distance relationships. And honestly, I can’t really blame her in this case; LDRs are hard to do in general and especially hard when the relationship starts as long-distance and doesn’t have a projected end date. So, unfortunately, you’re kind of stuck for an answer here. Unless you or she are willing to move, you’re just SOL.

Now with that having been said, I think you’ve got more issues here than you realize. Going by your letter, it sounds like you and she haven’t met in person yet. That changes the math rather significantly, and not in your favor. I realize that in the year of our Lord 2021, people strike up relationships with folks they haven’t met in the flesh yet. Hell, I have friends that I’ve known for decades who I’ve yet to actually meet in person. However, as the sage once said: love isn’t brains, children, it’s blood screaming at you to work its will. That is: while you and this woman may have great emotional chemistry, romantic and sexual relationships have a physical component to them as well.

I’m sure you’ve heard the old saw about how only 7% of communication is verbal. This is 100% true… and that applies to dating and attraction. There is a vast array of signals that dictate who we are and aren’t attracted to, long before we ever talk to them, that we can only perceive in person; even Zoom and Skype sessions aren’t going to make up the difference. This includes things like the timbre of their voice, how they treat the waitstaff, how they smell… things that can only be picked up on when you are in physical proximity to one another. This is part of why, for example, you’ll meet people on dating apps who are perfect for you on paper but who are about as arousing as dry toast when you meet in person. The emotional and intellectual engagement was there, but there were factors make your limbic system go “nah” when you were together in the flesh.

This is why I’m a firm believer that, until you meet in person, you’re not actually dating yet. The last thing you want is to invest emotionally in someone and in a relationship, only to have it all fall apart when you discover that you and they simply aren’t physically compatible with one another when you finally meet up.

Incidentally, I’d also note that her interest in seeing you is somewhat conditional. She says that she doesn’t want you to be the only reason you visit. That, in my experience, tends to be a sign that you’ve been coming on too strong and putting strain on your budding relationship. Generally, someone who’s eager to date you isn’t going to say “I’d love to see you but not if I’m the only reason you’re coming to visit”. They tend to be excited for you to come and to show you around and so on. Someone putting a condition on it — “I don’t want to be the only reason you’re here” — is telling you that your coming just to see them would make them uncomfortable. And in fairness, they’re not wrong. If the only reason you’re going somewhere is to see one particular person — especially someone you’re romantically or sexually interested in — that can put a lot of pressure on them, intentionally or otherwise. That can be really uncomfortable, especially if they’re not necessarily feeling things to the same degree you are.

If there were some (non-contrived) reason for you to be in the same place, that would be one thing. She’s not the sole focus of your time, attention or presence, nor would she feel like she’s responsible for your enjoyment while you’re there. But if you’re just coming to see her… well, that runs a really high risk of things going in a direction you wouldn’t like.

(And let me tell you: been there, done that, 0/10 would get in a TARDIS to retroactively undo it.)

So my suggestion: slow your roll, my dude. Keep your friendship with her, keep talking to her, flirting (if she’s comfortable with it) and so on. But at the same time: diversify your attention and give other people priority in your search for a partner. She may be an awesome person, but current circumstances mean that you and she aren’t in the right place at the right time… metaphorically and literally.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com