DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I love all the amazing life lessons you give. I hope you can help me with my dilemma. My issue is less of a problem and more me being confused.

First, the back story: in high school, I had no issue talking or communicating with girls; in fact my best friends in the world are girls. I feel the closest to them and have had sleep overs and get togethers, something that I have not done with my guy friends in years. A while ago, they brought up that they think I could be gay or bi. Their reasons for this were my calm, sweet and feminine like personality, my best friends are all girls and other small points.

At first i dismissed it, but as the weeks/months went on, I started to wonder if there was any truth to this. I know I’m not gay because of my attraction to girls, but could I be bisexual? Or is the only reason I’m thinking of this because they brought it up?

With this being said, my second question is, how can a guy like me, who is described by quite a few people as a cute feminine guy get a girl? I spend most my time with girls, and I don’t want to send the message that I am a girl so stay away. I know this is not a normal question but I was hoping u could help with your usual dose of helpful advice. 

MaybeBiShyGuy

DEAR MAYBEBISHYGUY: So, this is one of those times when I need to qualify my advice with the fact that I’m a straight, cis man. My perspective is — by definition — not going to be the same as an LGBTQ person’s, and so there’s always the possibility of missing something critical or an angle I wouldn’t have considered.

This is why I would like to that my LGBTQ readers chime in with their thoughts and experiences regarding how they came to understand their sexuality and sexual expression. Reading their stories and experiences could help shine a light on some of your own.

Now with that in mind: it doesn’t sound like you’re bisexual, MBSG. If we go by what you’ve written, then I’d feel pretty secure in saying that you sound like you’re straight.

You’re comfortable around women and have mostly female friends. That’s not inherent to any form of sexuality; guys can relate more to their female friends just as women can relate more to their male friends. That doesn’t say anything about who you want to bang, just who you are more comfortable with.

Similarly, being a feminine guy – either in looks or personality – isn’t an indication of sexual orientation. Gender is, after all, a social construct. You can be less traditionally “masculine” in presentation or in behavior and still be straight. Being softer-spoken or less assertive doesn’t make you any less male or straight. Neither does being more nurturing or less aggressive or domineering. Those are just different ways of being a man. You can be a soft, gentle straight man, you can be an aggressive, dominant gay man or any other combination you care to imagine. You can have camp straight men and straight-acting pansexual men; the behavior may be associated with one form of sexuality, but that doesn’t make it exclusively tied to it.

By that same token, the fact that your friends think you might be less than 100% straight doesn’t mean that they’re right. Women are just as capable of having weird ideas about sexuality as straight men are. You all sound VERY young, so if I were to hazard a guess, it would be that your friends most likely think you’re gay because a) you’re less masculine presenting than other men they know and b)you’re not actively trying to f--k them the way that they seem to assume most guys would.

Well, either that or they have some really odd ideas about what being bisexual means. But then again, who knows; you may just be a straight guy who gives off a gay vibe. I’ve known plenty of guys whose behavior has given false pings on people’s gaydar; they’re straight, but because they don’t perform their masculinity in stereotypical ways, they confuse some folks at first. As people get to know them, they realize that no, that’s just who they are and it’s all part and parcel of the wondrous variety that is the human experience.

The only person who could really say whether you’re bi or pansexual is you. You’ve said that you’re attracted to women, and the only reason you even think about it is because they brought it up. While that doesn’t mean that you definitely aren’t bi, you don’t seem to have given any reason in your letter to say that you are.

Of course, one of the things to realize is that sexuality is a multi-axis spectrum, not a line where you have to be equally split in your attraction to men or women to be bi. You can be primarily attracted to women, but there’s just the occasional guy who hits that exact sweet spot for you. You could be sexually attracted to men, but are only romantically attracted to women. Or you could find yourself into a wider variety of people including folks who are non-binary or otherwise gender non-conforming.

So COULD you be bi? Hell if I know, you tell me. One of the better indicators of where your interests lie is who you think about when it’s just you, your hand and your imagination. If you find yourself imagining Oscar Isaac or Li’l Nas X — and honestly, who could blame you — on occasion when you’re masturbating, then sure, I’d say you would qualify. But again: a) I’m a straight dude and b) my feelings on the subject ultimately don’t matter. Yours do.

Now as for how a feminine looking dude can get a girlfriend… well, can I assume you’ve never heard of the phrase “pretty boy” or “bishonen”? For that matter, have you seen how people respond to Timothée Chalamet or Harry Styles? Or when David Bowie was in his Ziggy Stardust phase of his career, with god-given ass?

Androgynous or feminine looking guys are like catnip to a large portion of the female population… and that segment is growing in influence. While there will always women who like their men hairy-chested and square-jawed, there are also many who like men who are softer, slimmer or otherwise less traditionally male. And there are more than a few who like their men to not just appear more feminine but to be more feminine in behavior as well.

Like I said: it’s all part and parcel of the diversity of the human experience. Some straight guys want amazons, some straight women want pretty boys.

Spending time with women or having a more feminine presentation isn’t going to keep women away, just women who aren’t compatible with you. You want the women who dig what you have to offer; if they think your being less traditionally manly is a problem… well, all that’s happened is that they’ve let you know that they’re not people you want to date.

(And if they’re s--tty about it or have awful opinions about LGBTQ folks, then they’ve doing you a favor by staying the hell away.)

The only thing I would suggest is to make sure that you’re not the passive guy that ends up being folks’ platonic BFF. Regardless of your sexuality, your gender or the way you express either… be an active participant in your own life. Don’t wait for other people to make a move for you. Make your interest known and ask people out when you’re into them.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’m a trans guy venturing out into dating women for the first time since I started transition. One of the advantages of being a trans dude is that we can tailor our genitalia to our partner’s preferences via the magic of prosthetics.

Enter my sense of humor. None of my prosthetics look like a normal penis. There are tentacles, tongues, and weirder appendages. 

It occurred to me recently to wonder at what point I should maybe mention my terrible sense of humor? Do I wait until we’re discussing what acts are even mutually agreeable and then bring up that I think tentacles are hilarious? Do I just assume that if I’ve gotten that far with someone that she knows about my sense of humor? Do I pick up a couple more normal prosthetics just in case (how boring)? I have consulted both Debrett’s and Miss Manners, but neither offered any guidance.

Help me doc, you’re my only hope! 

Cthulhu In My Pants

DEAR CTHULHU IN MY PANTS: I’m not gonna lie: the first thing I thought of when I read this is one of my favorite fan works from Stjepan Sejic, where Lois is reminded that Superman is still an alien.

But putting the pincers aside…

This is actually an interesting issue, CIMP, because it touches on a number of issues surrounding bodies, sex and worrying about what our partners will think when they see us naked for the first time. Bodies are inherently weird, and everyone has things about theirs that they think are inherently unattractive or off-putting. For some it’s cellulite or stretch marks. For others it’s scars from injuries or surgeries. Some folks have large or inverted nipples, gynecomastia or sunken chests. People have hands, feet or limbs that may be different than normal or who have limited mobility or other issues. There can be too much hair in places you think there shouldn’t be any, or not enough in others. Some feel that they’re too fat, others far too skinny. Still others have moles, birthmarks, asymmetries or countless other little quirks and differences that stand out like a glaring red light when we look in the mirror.

And this is never more true than when it comes to our junk. Some folks have pensises and clitorises of varying sizes and shapes — some that curve in odd directions, some that are much larger than normal or much smaller than the average. Same with vulvas, labia, scrotums… all of these come in such wide varieties, and almost everyone is convinced that theirs is weird or unattractive somehow.

But here’s the thing: by the time we’re at the “getting naked” stage of things, it’s almost always fait accompli. When someone’s ready to start peeling your clothes off during furious makeouts, they’re already all-in; they’re into you as the holistic person you are. Whatever thing you think is a disqualifier is rarely going to turn them off or make them change their minds. As it turns out, it’s really hard to ruin the mood when you’re with someone who’s into you, specifically. Most of the time, the things that are unmissable to you are barely noticeable to anyone else, and when they do notice, they usually don’t care.

That having been said, if things go to extremes — such as, say, pulling out a prosthetic or a strap-on that looks like an outtake from Dream of the Fisherman’s Wife — there may be some moments of “wait, WHAT?” that will need to be worked through. After all, here’re a lot of sex toys, prosthetics, dildos and vibrators out there that are as much for the “What the Cinnamon Toast F--k is THAT?” factor as they are about function. Toys from companies like Bad Dragon are impressive to see during a cam show, but may be a bit much for somebody who wasn’t expecting them. Sometimes they can be absurd, sometimes you are convinced there’s no way that thing would fit, sometimes they look anatomically impossible to use, and sometimes they make people go “Wait, why does that have a bicep??”

(If you know, you know.)

But then again, part of what’s made sex toys — penetration toys in particular — more broadly acceptable has been getting away from looking like body parts. Part of why vibrators, penetration toys and insertion toys like Fleshlights got a rap for the perverted or terminally lonely was because they looked like disembodied genitalia.  These days, a lot of penetration toys don’t look sexual at all, but more like objet d’art, when function is allowed to dictate form. So pulling a tentacle or other unusually shaped prosthetics out of the drawer may not necessarily be the showstopper you might worry about.

As a general rule, I’m a big believer that the more likely an issue is going to come up — especially during sex — the sooner it should be brought up to the other person, if only so they can adjust their expectations accordingly. The odds are, by the time you’re at a point where you and your future snugglebunny are at the “your place or mine” stage, they’ll know about your sense of humor. But just as knowing my love of awful jokes doesn’t stop my friends from rolling their eyes at me when I make them, knowing that you think tentacles are hilarious doesn’t mean that they’re necessarily going to expect to see something they last saw in Urotsukidoji when you get together.

In this case, I think that during discussions about your yes’, no’s and maybe’s, your must-haves and hard limits, bringing up that most of your toys are from the exotic or novelty end of the spectrum is a good idea. fIt’s much easier for things to flow smoothly — as smooth as a first time can be, anyway — when folks know more or less what to expect. While it’s not necessarily a deal-breaker, you may have to deal with giggling fits or questions like “how does that even work?” that could slow things down.

Not, mind you, that giggles and happy laughter is a bad thing. It’s just that if they know what they’re likely in for in the first place, then you might still be getting the giggles, but it becomes part of the experience, rather than having to pause while she catches her breath.

Now, speaking strictly for myself, I’m a big believer in preparing for as many contingencies as possible. Having a more standard prosthetic as an option, while not as hilarious, may be a good thing to have on hand. They may not necessarily want that one, but it does mean that you have choices if it turns out that the Black Goat With A Thousand Tongue isn’t what they were down for that night. At the very least, it means that people who are a little more standard-issue when it comes to sex will be a bit more comfortable at the start.

But then again, who knows? Your pulling out the Dread Cthulhu Lies (Wet) Dreaming out of the drawer may not even be the weirdest thing she’s seen that week.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I have (or had, I don’t know anymore) this friend who I was deeply in love with her, but for personal reasons, I just wanted to be her friend and for a while it worked. We had good times and bad times, several times we had fights that seemed to end things, but we always came back stronger than before… She was my best friend.

But recently, everything has been getting weird.

I knew she was interested in another guy. I never brought up my feelings for her, or got clingy with her and always gave her time as she wanted. At the same time I was available when she needed it. This guy was a complete asshole to her, always treating her badly, making fun of her to the point that she was sick of him… During all of this, our friendship got even stronger. However, I never crossed the line of friendship and angling for a relationship, because her friendship was very important to me.

Well, lately I’ve been going through a complicated situation in my life. I’ve been dealing with cancer of a close relative on top of the pandemic, and I started to want to be more alone for a while.

But my friend started to think very badly of me, forcing me to pay attention to her, threatening that if I didn’t look for her, all our friendship would die and other things. Besides that, she made a point of being furious with me when I really went after her and asked how things were, or insisted a little in wanting to have her around.

One day, when she offered me help in something I was doing, I started to notice that she was distant, with short answers. Basically she was giving 100% attention to this other guy, who’d come back into her life while helping me.

Well, here comes the fun part: after seeing that she wasn’t very interested in providing help like she said she would, I simply replied with a grump. Believe it or not, she became furious with me and started saying hurtful things. I apologized, saying that wasn’t what I meant, and she did not reply, so I left it there and simply walked away from things…

After a month, she reappeared and tells me that she would never know what I wanted from her, that I cared more about my asshole friends and that she was sick and tired of it. At that very moment I became completely lost about everything… I already said to her that she was my best friend several times, that I cared for her and that wasn’t the first time when we’ve had these fights.

Well… I had no choice but to declare that I loved her in the most anguished way possible, and in the end I was received with silence.

One month later, she returned apologizing to me, saying that she screwed up with me, that I was just a brother to her and that she was dating the guy. I was extremely sad but I still wanted to have her as my friend, even she told me several times that if I wanted to leave, she would understand.

After that, she would pop up one time or another, asking how I was, if everything was ok. Sometimes we could talk something or another but it was getting weird, different… I felt that she was getting further and further away. She kept making a point of telling me about her relationship (even if I tried to avoid the topic) until one day she asked me to draw a picture for her and her boyfriend.

I was furious and said that she was going over the edge, she apologized and said it was just for her…

Well, things were getting more and more complicated, until a day that I was tired of everything and asked her if she wanted me to be gone from her life. She basically freaked out saying that I was mad about her relationship, that it was the only good thing that had happened to her, that she was full of problems (yes, she kept looking for me, saying she was in trouble, and when I asked what was happening she would not tell me).

I tried to reaffirm that she was my best friend, that she was a sister to me and that she could count on me and basically she sent me away after all that. Now I really don’t know what to do…

Please Dr… Help me…

– Caught In A Trap

DEAR CAUGHT IN A TRAP: Jesus CIAT, this woman has really put you through a ringer and I’m so sorry you’ve been through this.

Now, I’m going to level with you, man: I’ve read through your letter a few times and, if I’m being honest, I can’t really see why you would want to be friends with this woman. It’s understandable that when folks write in with a problem, they focus on the problems and not the good parts. It can create a specific picture of the relationship, which is understandable. But going by what you’ve written here, it sounds like this entire relationship is just one long parade of red flags and s--tty behavior from your friend.

Here’s the thing: while it can seem cold to describe it in these terms, but relationships — including friendships — are a two-way exchange. You give, but you also receive. In an ideal world, these exchanges would be roughly equal in terms of value. Yes, it’s rare that any relationship is perfectly equitable, but on the whole they should balance out if they’re going to last. When they don’t… well, that’s when things fall apart. 

And quite frankly, your friendship seems to have been walking up to the edge of breaking up, constantly. You talk about the demands she made on you or how she held the friendship hostage to your dancing in attendance on her, but you don’t mention anything you got in return. No real support, no intimacy, no real return on your emotional “investment” in her. It seems like your entire relationship was predicated on your being her on-call not-quite boyfriend, where you were expected to provide all sorts of emotional intimacy and attention and in exchange you got… well, I’m not sure. You got to keep your crush in your life and nurse that unrequited attraction for her, I guess.

Frankly this sounds more like masochism than friendship.

Even giving her the benefit of the doubt, she sounds like a really s--tty friend. There you are, dealing with the stress of the pandemic and dealing with the heartbreak of a loved one’s battle with cancer and looking to do a little self-care by withdrawing a bit and marshaling your strength. And here comes your bestie, telling you that if you don’t keep giving her your time and attention RIGHT NOW then the relationship will die and it will be ALL YOUR FAULT. And later, when you ask for something from her, she half-asses it. She can’t bother to pretend to be present with you, and when you get up set over that… well, she blows up at you over it. That’s pretty f--ked up, dude.

Worse is that she comes back later and then continues to blame you for everything going wrong because… well, I’m not entirely sure. But again: it sure as hell sounds like she’s telling you it’s your fault that she’s not a better friend to you because REASONS. Even after you end up confessing how you feel, she seems to treat you more like an accessory than a person. Worse, she seems to think that your boundaries are optional at best. You say you didn’t want to hear about her relationship but she’d keep bringing it up anyway. And while I can kind of understand the reasoning —  she’s driving home that she’s with this other guy, she’s not interested in you and isn’t going to date you — it’s still something you don’t want to hear about. Not to mention, hammering it constantly means it goes from being “I just want to be clear about what you and I have together” and more about keeping you in your place.

Yes, it can be a little dickish to try to pretend that somebody’s partner doesn’t exist, especially when you have feelings for that person. But that’s not what you were doing. You weren’t trying to pretend that she didn’t have a boyfriend, you didn’t want to have it rubbed in your face, constantly. There’s really nothing wrong with drawing a boundary and saying “look, I respect you and your relationship with X, but I don’t want to hear about it or him,” especially when it’s causing you pain. He may be a part of her life, even an important part of it, but that doesn’t mean that you have to be willing to sandpaper your soul just to be friends with her. You’re allowed to draw lines and say “this bothers me, and I’d rather keep this aspect out of our friendship.” People who tell you that you’re not allowed to do so are telling you that you’re not allowed to prioritize your own emotional well-being over their desire to share things that are painful to you.

You can accept a person in their entirety without needing all the details. Everyone goes to the bathroom; being someone’s friend doesn’t mean you need to hear about the size and shape of it.

Look: the way she treats you is a recurring pattern, my dude. She makes demands and holds the friendship hostage if you don’t accede to her demands immediately and only on her terms. If you have needs, those needs are ignored or become reason for her to be pissed at you. This ain’t no way to conduct a friendship and, honestly, I don’t get why you stick around.

Well, actually, not true. I get why. Part of the problem is that it doesn’t seem like you ever tried getting over your crush on her. You don’t mention whether you dated anyone else or attempted to find someone who would actually like you back while also not being ten pounds of drama in a five pound sack. That exacerbates the problem. While I don’t doubt your sincerity in wanting to be friends and nothing more, I think you let your desire for her cloud your thinking. Your feelings for her meant that you kept excusing her bad behavior and the abominable way she’s been treating you. And it seems like she took your continued presence as license to just take and take without ever giving in return.

I know this isn’t what you were hoping to hear but I’m gonna be blunt: this isn’t going to get better. It’s only going to keep getting worse and it’s only going to keep twisting the knife in your heart. The best thing you can do right now is to finally prioritize yourself and leave. You may be her friend, but she sure as s--t isn’t yours. This friendship is toxic, my dude, and it’s far past time to call it quits. Yes, I get that you love her and want her in your life. But her presence in your life is causing you nothing but pain, and it’s not going to get better. Even after you’ve told her how you feel, she’s continued to just make demand after demand and get mad at you when you say “hey, could I get a little friendship in return?”

There’s a line from a song that I think is relevant here: “I may love you, yeah, but I love me more.”

Ending a relationship, even a friendship, can be a radical act of self-love and self-care. It’s well past time that you love yourself to let this relationship go and find both friends and lovers who actually live up to the role.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com