Ask Dr. Nerdlove

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’m 24 and male, mostly interested in women, and I feel like I’m in a weird place because I’m having trouble finding a committed partner. I feel like I’m a bit behind, and I’m not sure where to go from here.

I have a degree, I’m working towards my dream career, in my dream city, I have many friends, skills, and hobbies, and on the whole, the only thing that seems missing is a loving, committed partner.

I seek it out, and I do find connection, good connection even, and yet after a few dates, it always seems to end. They’re too busy, or they aren’t feeling it, or I’m not feeling it, and I’m back to square one in a month or less.

I feel almost “behind” in this respect, as I have old friends from College with years-long relationships, and others who are more committed and stable in this area of life than I am, and it feels like I’m doing something wrong. I do research connection-building quite a bit, but it hasn’t quite gotten me where I want to be yet.

Some would say I’ve not yet found the “right person,” but it really feels like I have, but it’s been the wrong time, or it’s my fault for not presenting myself “right.” I was also kind of an awkward nerd as a kid and into college. I didn’t have my first girlfriend until I was 22, and that lasted only two months, my longest relationship to date, and I was a virgin until 23, and I’ve never had sex with a partner, only a few casual encounters here and there. This makes me feel worse, because I feel like I’m not getting anywhere in building romantic relationships with others, and that frustrates me.

I guess my questions here are along the lines of “how do I do better?” How do I get myself in a place where I find partners trying to build something like I am? I try to date when I can, and seek out people I can talk to, and enjoy getting to know, but it seems like I’m still not quite getting it right…

-Too Old for this S--t.

DEAR TOO OLD FOR THIS S--T: I swear I’m going to have to sponsor a study about why so many guys think 24 is some sort of magic cut-off age. It comes up so frequently that it feels like a trend.

Anyway, that’s not the issue here. The issue you’re dealing with isn’t one of being ‘too far behind’ or ‘too inexperienced’, it’s about expectations. You’re working under the assumption that you’re on a particular timeline, where you’re “supposed” to have hit certain milestones by now — go to college after high-school, get a job after college and/or get an advance degree, get a relationship, get married, etc. The problem is that all of those milestones are not only self-imposed, but they’re not relevant. Expecting to hit certain events by certain ages isn’t based in some universal law about social development, it’s what some people think is normal… mostly white, upper-middle class folks, really. This narrative assumes that everyone is exactly the same, ignores any issues that might delay hitting those milestones and never stops to consider which ones are completely irrelevant to your life.

More to the point, however, is that you can’t really measure your life by how it stacks up to someone else’s. Yes, you have friends who have had years-long relationships… but you haven’t lived their lives. You have not experienced their life in the exact same time, in the exact same way as they had. People can point to Bill Gates and say “look, he founded a software company by the time he was in high-school”, but unless you had the same rich parents he did, got sent to a private school that let you skip classes in order to learn coding and did so at a time when access to computers was incredibly uncommon… you’re not going to be Bill Gates. The same thing applies to your friends and their social lives. They have had different lives from you, faced challenges you didn’t, had advantages that you didn’t (just as you had advantages they didn’t) and thus have had entirely different outcomes.

They aren’t “more advanced” than you or more established or whatever. They just had different lives. But that’s ok. You’re not following their track, nor are you expected to. You are living your life, at your pace, and with the advantages and disadvantages that you have had. You can only live your story, not anyone else’s. Trying to measure your progress by looking at other people is just a recipe for frustration because they aren’t you. Trying to be someone you aren’t is doomed to fail. You need to focus on living your life.

You’re working under the assumption that you need to make up for lost time and you really don’t. You’re still learning about who you are, what you want and who’s right for you. You may have started later than you would’ve preferred, but let’s be honest: you weren’t ready before now. You had to work on other stuff to get to this point and that’s fine. You had your first girlfriend at 22 and that only lasted a couple months. That’s not a failure, my dude, that was a learning experience. Most people’s first relationships don’t last very long, no matter how old they are at the time. This has nothing to do with age or worthiness or anything else and everything to do with it’s your first relationship. Dating and relationships are skills; you aren’t going to be an expert right out of the gate. More often than not, you’re still figuring out what you want and what you need from a partner. You may think you know, yes… but there’s a difference between what you want and what you need. Sometimes the two line up and that’s great. But often they don’t. Part of the dating experience is learning to differentiate between the two.

And hey, that’s fine. That’s normal. A lot of learning about yourself involves figuring out that what you think you want doesn’t actually work for you. Back when I was starting out and I joined the pick-up scene, I thought I needed to be the Bars And Clubs Guy and spent several years doing just that. But hey, turns out the people I actually wanted to sleep with and to date weren’t the folks I met at bars and clubs. It took time and experience to develop that self-awareness; once I understood I was — quite literally — looking for love in all the wrong places, I was able to adjust things accordingly and was much happier all around. Would it have been nice to figure all that out sooner? Sure. But that’s not how it played out for me.

Same with discovering I have ADHD as an adult. If I’d gotten diagnosed earlier in life, things would’ve been different. But I didn’t. That created challenges for me that a lot of my other peers didn’t have to face. But again: their journey wasn’t my journey and my journey has taken me to places they couldn’t go. Just as it is with you.

Another thing to realize is that while you may be a late bloomer, that’s not necessarily a bad thing. While pop culture may tell us that high-school’s supposed to be this sublime social experience… it really isn’t. It’s honestly the worst time to try to date. You have little agency over your own life, you have no life experience to speak of, you have no idea who you are as a person so you’re trying to figure out your identity while also dealing with all the hormonal changes in your body and trying to figure out social roles that are constantly changing. You’re always excessively tired, anxious, confused and feeling like you’re about to destroy your entire life, but you don’t know how.

It’s less of a beautiful coming-of-age story and more “trying to survive four years in gen-pop at Rikers”, really.

The fact that you had a later start than others doesn’t put you at a disadvantage. What it does mean is that you have more self-knowledge, more self-awareness and more self-knowledge than a lot of your peers did when they started dating. That means that you’re not going to be fumbling around the same ways they were or having to live through as many mistakes and misadventures… which aren’t all the “fun, character-building” kind. You’re in a position to make fewer errors and fewer bad choices than they did and get to where you want to be faster than they did, with fewer false starts. It functionally means that you need a shorter runway than they did.

And if we’re being honest…you ain’t doing half-bad for yourself, my dude. You’ve had a short term relationship and a handful of casual hook-ups. That’s pretty good, especially for someone who’s just starting out. That’s not a sign that you’re doing badly, that’s a sign you’re doing better than you realize. Give yourself a bit more credit, man; that’s a very respectable beginning. But just as importantly, the thing to realize is that the numbers don’t mean what you think they do. You aren’t more or less developed for not having a years-long relationship or a string of ex-girlfriends. Lots of exes isn’t automatically a sign of progress. It could be an indication of a problem that needs to be resolved. Or it could just be how that person rolls; some folks are more wired for serial monogamy and short term relationships.

Which brings us back to your question: “how do you get better?” Well… you do what you’re currently doing: you meet people, you ask them out on dates, you see what happens. The thing you don’t seem to realize is that while it feels like you’re Doing It Wrong, somehow, you really aren’t. You’re learning. You feel like you met the right person but it didn’t work out… well, yes. That’s how it goes sometimes; right person, wrong time, wrong place. You can’t control that. It’s just part of life. As a wise man once said: it is possible to commit no mistakes and still lose. That’s not weakness. That’s life.

What you learn in those circumstances is what matters. And one of the most important things you can learn is that there is no one right person. There are many right people out there, and who is right for you and who isn’t can and does change. It’ll change with who you are at this moment and where you are in life. It’ll change as you grow in life and social experience and with circumstance. You’ll also learn that some people who may be right for you in this moment won’t be right for you down the line as you grow and change. That’s fine. By that same token, you’ll often find that people who weren’t right for you back in the day will be right for you in the future. You can’t predict who those will be, you can’t control the whens and hows of it. You just learn how to roll with it as it happens.

Similarly, you’ll run into more people who aren’t right for you than who are. That’s just dating. Part of dating isn’t just figuring out what you want, it’s finding the people who are a good match for you. Sometimes you’ll figure that out early on. Sometimes you don’t. Again: that’s part of the individual journey, not a sign of who’s better/ more advanced/ falling behind. It’s all part of your own, unique story.

So stop beating yourself up for no reason TOFTS. You aren’t falling behind, you don’t need to “make up for lost time” or anything else like that. You just need to continue doing what you’re doing: living your life, meeting awesome people, going on dates and seeing what happens. You’ll date some folks, you’ll pass on others. You’ll have short term relationships and longer term ones. It’s all part of the process, and you’re doing far better than you give yourself credit for.

So tell your jerkbrain to shut the hell up and to stop dripping poison in your ear. You’re having more success than you realize, and I suspect you’ll find that it’s going to pay off for you sooner, rather than later.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I need help with a tricky situation.

We’re going to call my best friend Noel. Noel is a heterosexual woman, and I’m a heterosexual man, and we’re roommates. People think we’re a couple, and they have good reason to. We do everything together–dinner every night, coffee in the morning, tennis lessons, walking a mile to the Post Office whenever one of us needs to mail a package, etc. We have made plans for our future together. Whenever I see a Tumblr post about how friendships should be assigned as much value as romantic relationships, I feel like they’re talking about us.

You’re probably thinking this is the part where I want to confess my love to her, but nothing could be further from the truth. I have no feelings for her whatsoever. We click alarmingly well, we share a sense of humor and two cats, and she’s really cute, but I don’t get butterflies in my stomach whenever I see her or anything like that. I doubt she’s into me either (I’m not her type, and I’m a lot older than her).

She doesn’t have relationships with men that last longer than a night, and even those went away with the threat of COVID-19, but she did try about a year ago. This guy really did not like me. He was nothing short of cordial to me, but you can just tell. I tried to be social and engaging whenever he came around (which is especially hard when you’re a four-alarm introvert like I am), and I did find him interesting. The reason their relationship ended was because she had no time for him; meanwhile she had time to hang out and watch movies with me or for us to go on long walks or visit friends in a neighboring city.

Did they break up because of me? Probably not—she had set boundaries, and he crossed them too many times. But I will bet money that I did not help. I know she wants to get married and maybe have kids. And I fear that she will never get there if I’m in the picture. I mentioned her recent ex to a friend of mine, who stated that if she were dating me, Noel would absolutely be a problem. And now that she’s started dating again, where does that leave me? I’m not concerned that she won’t prioritize me anymore if she finds a guy who works, I’m worried that she will.

tl;dr: I’m worried that I’m going to make someone jealous and interfere with my best friend’s love life. I’m worried that the nature of our relationship will be discouraging to men she might be interested in. On the other side of that, I’m worried that, if she does find what she’s looking for, I won’t have a best friend anymore, and since I’m not interested in looking for romance, I’ll be alone.

Tell me, Doc, is it serious? Am I sitting around and freaking out over a problem that isn’t there? Is this relationship only fulfilling a need that she’d rather have fulfilled with someone she can have naked sweaty times with? Or will we remain besties until the end of time? Tell me I’m overthinking this, please. Thank you.

BFF

DEAR BFF: One of the things I tell my readers regularly is “don’t borrow trouble from the future”. That is: you don’t want to make the mistake of looking for problems that don’t exist yet but you can imagine coming to pass in the future. The point is, of course, that if you spend all your time worrying about what may happen, you miss what you have in the present. Today, I think I’m going to need to add another stock phrase: “don’t invent trouble where it doesn’t exist.”

It’s great that you and your best friend are so close, BFF. I’m a big proponent of the idea that platonic friendships can be just as important, just as fulfilling and just as meaningful as romantic relationships. I’m also a big proponent of the concept that men and women can be platonic friends without sex “getting in the way”. However, it seems like you may be having issues with the idea that romantic relationships are inherently more meaningful or important in someone’s life than their friendships.

There’re a few things going on here, and, honestly, they seem to all stem from the same place. This is going to sound harsh at first, and I promise this isn’t going to be about dunking on you; there will be a point to all of this that’s going to be very important for you. But here’s the thing: you’re making all of this more about you than about her. And to be blunt, this really isn’t about you at all. Not in in the way you think, anyway.

Since you brought up her recent relationships, let’s start there. You’re assuming a lot of facts that aren’t in evidence, starting with the idea that you’re somehow “holding her back” from dating other guys or that your presence in her life is interfering in her love life somehow. What you have is a lot of speculation and assumptions, but no actual evidence. Look at her most recent ex — this dude was an asshole. He thought that boundaries were things that happened to other people, he was threatened by her having people in her life that weren’t him and it’s pretty clear that Noel didn’t really like spending time with him that much. However, literally none of this had anything to do with you. Maybe he didn’t like you specifically; you say he was doing that “cold politeness” thing that some folks do, so we’ll assume you’re right. The thing is: while he he may not have liked you as an individual, I can promise you that he would’ve disliked anyone who was important to Noel. The individual didn’t matter so much as what they represented to him: someone who was an obstacle to being the only person in her life. The fact that it was you is, like as not, just a quirk of fate. Maybe he would’ve been slightly less s--tty to her roommate if she were living with another woman… but ultimately it doesn’t matter. You were there, you got slotted into “him as what is getting in the way”. You didn’t contribute to their break-up, you were just the excuse he had to be upset.

Similarly, you’re assuming that your presence is keeping her from  looking for longer term relationships instead of more casual encounters. But what I’m not hearing is that this is somehow a problem for her. Some folks just like having no-strings hook-ups and aren’t interested in having folks come back for a return engagement. If she’s cool with one night stands or a string of bootie calls for when she has an itch that needs scratching, more power to her. That sounds like how she likes to roll. Maybe that will change in time, maybe it won’t, but she’s a grown-ass woman and fully capable of managing her own affairs.

Er, as it were.

Now is it possible that people would see you as a potential problem? Well, sure, there’re plenty of insecure folks out there who can’t grasp the concept of close, mixed-gender friendships. Your own friend told you that she would have similar qualms about Noel being in your life if you and your friend were dating. But again: that’s a them, problem, not a you problem. Their insecurities are their responsibility, not yours. The fact that they get jealous because you have the temerity to exist and be close with her — and vice versa — isn’t something you need to resolve. They can either sort their own s--t out or kick rocks; your friendship with Noel is between the two of you. Someone who’s going to dictate who their partner can and can’t be friends with is someone who’s demonstrating why they should be single.

And while yes, it’s understandable that they would be upset that their partner’s BFF gets higher priority than they do, that seems more like a mismatch in expectations. They may feel one way about how relationships are supposed to work, but Noel clearly feels differently. If she prioritizes a platonic relationship with her bestie over the person she’s currently banging, that’s not an inherent flaw. It just means that she sees your relationship as being more important and meaningful than that one. And honestly, the fact that you’re bumping uglies with someone doesn’t mean you automatically jump the line. Sex is awesome, but it doesn’t automatically outrank years of friendship, and we devalue friendship when we assume it does.

Which brings us to the next issue: why are you assuming this is a problem? I would assume that, if Noel had issues with guys not wanting to date her because you’re in her life, she would have said something. Since you don’t say that she did, I have to work under the assumption that no, it’s not a problem. At the very least, it’s not a problem that she sees that needs to be brought up, never mind fixed. So we can safely assume one of two things: either she’s not finding you to be a hinderance to her love life, or she’s made her choice and she chose you. Either way: still not your problem.

So why are you making it your problem?

Well, I think you nail it right here: “I’m worried that, if she does find what she’s looking for, I won’t have a best friend anymore, and, since I’m not interested in looking for romance, I’ll be alone.”

This isn’t about her relationships with other dudes, it’s about you worrying about her leaving you. And, like so many other folks out there, you’re trying to control your anxiety in the most ass-backwards way possible: by looking for signs that s--t’s about to fall apart.

Yes, I know that on the surface, this doesn’t make a lick of goddamn sense. It doesn’t have to, because it’s not about fixing things or looking for reassurance. It’s about dealing with the discomfort of the uncertainty. You can’t get the brainweasels to quit s--tting anxiety all over your head, so rather than waiting for the Sword of Damocles to fall, you’re trying to get that string to f--kin’ snap already and get it over with.

Yes, I know this seems absurd; why in pluperfect f--kery would someone be eager for their nightmare to come true? The answer is simple: because then it will have happened and you can quit waiting for it and dealing with all the build-up and fear of “what if”. Think of it like a horror game where all the signs are pointing to a major scare coming. You keep hearing the encounter music that suggests something’s waiting in the wings, the level design seems to have an almost infinite number of opportunities for a primo jump scare… but it never happens.

So now you’re waiting and waiting and waiting and it just keeps getting worse because if there’s this much build up, how f--kin’ bad will this encounter be?

There comes a point where the tension gets so bad that you start looking for the tripwire that’s going to trigger the scare because COME ON LET’S GET IT OVER WITH ALREADY.

(This, incidentally, is why Gone Home was one of the scariest games of the past decade. Not because it was an actual horror game but because you have the constant sense of tension building and no relief because it just wasn’t that kinda game.)

Which brings us back to what I said at the top: you’re creating trouble where there isn’t any and making it all about you. Not because you’re inherently bad or self-involved but because you’re worried. Noel’s clearly an important person in your life and you’re terrified that she’s going to leave you. That anxiety may have started as a nagging little voice, but it’s grown and grown until it’s started to consume you. Now the anxiety’s gotten so bad that you can’t ignore it any more. You’ve become so worried that your platonic lifemate is about to leave that you’ve resorted to reading the tea leaves for proof that it’s already over.

Now the thing you don’t seem to have grasped is that Noel isn’t going anywhere. My dude, she has continually prioritized you and your friendship over other people, including her only foray into a long-term sexual relationship. She’s made it clear that you and she’ve got both history and a future together. You seem to have fallen for the same belief that a platonic relationship is inherently inferior or less desirable or important than a sexual one and that she — despite your entire history together — is going to choose sex. She hasn’t before, and she’s chosen you again and again… but WHAT IF?

That is the disconnect you’re having. Your anxiety has you so convinced that she’s going to choose getting d--ked down over you that you’ve missed something obvious. Yes, she’s said she wants to get married some day and maybe have kids. But that doesn’t mean that you and she are gonna be quits. If her future does mean marriage and kids — something that may never come to pass — that doesn’t mean you get left in the cold, man. Leaving aside the part where she can get married and raise a family with you still there as the cool live-in uncle, there’s also the fact that you and she can get married too. Companionate marriages — where the marriage is based on respect, companionship and affection but not a sexual connection — are a thing. Co-parenting with your best friend instead of your husband or wife is also a thing.

Seriously my guy, you need to stop listening to those brainweasels and start listening to what Noel is telling you: she ain’t going anywhere. She’s demonstrated that she’s perfectly capable of stating her mind and letting you know if you’re messing up her chances or if she’s looking for a traditional relationship instead of life with her best friend. But she’s also demonstrated that she likes her men like she likes her burgers: in-and-out. They come and go, but you’re still there and she’s made it pretty clear that’s where her priorities lie.

You’re fine. She’s fine. Everybody’s fine. You’ve got brainweasels that’re f--king you up, that’s all.

Sometimes you gotta just take “yes” for an answer.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I am what you might call a stereotypical 16-year-old nerd, geek, or nobody in high school. I love comics, movies, video games, and geek stuff in general. I have a 4.0 gpa, and in between playing sports and reading classic literature I can usually be found browsing through blogs and listening to podcasts. At school I have one or two good friends who sort of understand my geeky passion, but from what I can tell I’m the only person in school who knows the origins of just about every goddamn major Marvel superhero. I’m even complete with some bad-ass (in my opinion) Marvel t-shirts, glasses which will soon require tape repair, and really bad acne problems that Proactiv and soap can’t seem to fix.

Of course all of these traits make me quite an unattractive specimen for girls in high school, of whom which I have yet to actually gain romantic experience with. I hold doors open for them, I pick up their books when they drop them, I complement them on their new shoes, but for whatever reason I just seem to be invisible to the opposite sex. I’ve also noticed that my frustration with this hasn’t gone unnoticed with some girls, and now I try to avoid appearing as that “pissed off little prick that reads comics”. Even my dad has been jumping on my ass for not having a girlfriend, and I don’t need to take his s--t since I’m pretty sure he was never a nerd who was ignored by his peers. 

So now I suppose I should ask the wise Doctor a question. What am I doing wrong? Yes, probably a very vague question, but sitting in my room raging about the situation with parents who haven’t been any help isn’t what I’d call progress. Is it just teen angst? Do I need to stop reading the latest Green Lantern issue or quoting the previous Archer episode just to be deemed socially acceptable?

Nerd In Training

DEAR NERD IN TRAINING: First things first, NIT, I want to remind you of my standard advice when it comes to dating in high-school: don’t get too hung up about it. While I realize that high-school feels like the most important and influential time of your life… it really isn’t. Treating this as THE time when you NEED to accomplish everything or else is part of how people end up tying themselves up in knots, convinced that they missed their window and are doomed to die alone and unloved.

And it isn’t. Leaving aside that high-school is barely-controlled chaos full of kids in the throes of puberty, hormones coursing through their bodies while also trying to figure out who they are and how social dynamics work… it’s also a transition period, rather than an end-state. More often than not, the romantic or sexual relationships you have in high-school aren’t going to last, especially not past graduation.

High-school isn’t the time to try to date seriously, in my opinion. It is, however, a great time to start laying the groundwork for the skills, talents and behaviors that’ll help you date successfully later on.

Now with that in mind: you, my friend, need to be more zen when it comes to girls. Frustration and annoyance are unattractive in anyone who isn’t Dr. Gregory House, and since you’re not popping Vicodin and nearly killing patients every 50 minutes, I suggest you try to relax a little. As I said, your best move is to not obsess about girls and spend more time working on yourself. Despite what television and movies keep telling us – not the critical time of your life. And frankly, if high-school is the best time of your life, all that indicates is that you need to do things differently so that your life gets better, both now and in the future.

Now here’s the thing: I’m a huge geek. I mean, it’s not like the “Nerd” in my branding stands for France, after all. But being a nerd or geek shouldn’t be the ONLY thing that defines you. I love me some MCU movies and I can talk your ear off about my favorite comic writers and video games, but that’s just one part of who I am.

One thing far too many nerds and geeks do that cuts their knees out from under them is that they define themselves almost exclusively by what they consume instead of by what they do. All work and no play may make Jack a dull boy, but so does making your life all about the games you play or the books you read. You don’t want to just be able to spout facts about stuff, you want to DO stuff too.

That’s why you don’t need to quit reading comics, but you DO need to be able to talk about things that aren’t comics or making “DANGER ZOOOOONE!” jokes. And that’s coming from someone who uses “Wait, are we not doing phrasing anymore?” like it’s punctuation.

And while holding doors and picking up books are noble and chivalrous, they’re not exactly going to make you the Don Juan you hope to be, especially if girls can tell you’re simmering with resentment. Neither is venting in your room by yourself. So dial it all back a notch.

What you need to do is take this time and use it productively by working on your personal development. Go to a dermatologist to work on the acne issues, get some new glasses and clothes, study the basics of social interaction (you can check out “The Basics” tag on doctornerdlove.com for a good starting point) and focus make yourself a more interesting person overall. Sports and literature are a great start! You want to be healthy and active (and healthy comes in many different shapes and sizes) as well as well-rounded, intellectually. I recommend that you look into cultivating some hobbies that encourage you to be social as well; theater, music, volunteer work, after-school jobs… you’re at an age where much of your life should be about collecting experiences and stories and getting into social shape for the years to come. As you calm down and feel more confident and secure in yourself, you’ll find people’s attitudes towards you changing.

And don’t worry about your parents; in two years you’ll be headed off to college and ready to start your new life out in the great wide world.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com