Ask Dr. Nerdlove

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I am an average geekboy looking for love. Okay, not quite average. For one, I’m looking to find love with another geekboy. For two, I’m transgender. I used to be The Nerd Girl who a lot of guys idolised, which was awkward for all parties, because she didn’t exist – I was pretending I could be the perfect girl as much as they were.

Now, well, I’m in my twenties and I’m happier in my body and I’m lonely. I want a boyfriend. But I don’t know how to find one. Where are the actual gays among the guys who used to call things gay? And moreover, how can I find a nice gay geek boy who doesn’t treat my gender issues as an intellectual exercise to be pondered, explored, and constantly discussed – I’m not a science project.

Shouldn’t Be This Hard

DEAR SHOULDN’T BE THIS HARD: So, like I told Jammed Gaydar yesterday, I want to give an obvious caveat: I’m a straight cis dude. This means I’m not going to have the same perspective or experiences as a gay, trans ma, and there may well be aspects that I miss or wouldn’t have thought to bring up. As per usual, I recommend taking my advice with suitable amounts of salt.

I also want to invite my LGBTQ readers — especially those who sleep with men — to share their thoughts on where and how you could find yourself a nice gay geeky boyfriend.

So with that all in mind: good news! As time and society has moved on, geek culture’s had the doors blown clean off and there’re more and more LGBTQ geeks of all stripes and gender identities out there. While the culture still has issues, especially surrounding trans folks (see, also: Rowling, J.K) there are plenty of bi and gay geeks out there, as well as trans men and women across the sexual spectrum. Some of them may keep their heads down in their daily lives since society still has a problem with gender norms and sexual identity, but they’re definitely there to be found.

Now, I’m going to be honest: the fact that there’re more and more open queer and trans geeks — not to mention high-profile LGBTQ geek YouTubers, Twitch streamers, TikTokers etc. — there’re still folks out there who get weird about trans people. There’re gay men out there who’re capable of being just as shitty about trans folks as straight men can be. There’re also people who are cool with it in concept, but who may not have had much exposure to trans people in person and may not necessarily be as familiar with the day to day realities of a trans person’s life.

As a result, some folks — guys with the best intentions at heart — may want or need a little time and may not realize that they’re making you uncomfortable by treating you as The Representative For All Trans People.

That, needless to say, can be a bit awkward. It may well be a dealbreaker for you and hey, that’s completely legit.

If it’s not, then you may need to be a little patient at first – sometimes the well-meaning don’t realize that they’re being a little intrusive and need the occasional prodding to get the point – but don’t be afraid to set some firm boundaries.

Of course, all of this is well and good but doesn’t necessarily help on a practical level — that is: actually FINDING a gay, bi or pansexual geek who’s looking to date and wants to date you, specifically.

The first thing I would tell you is that you’re going to have better luck in larger cities; if you’re living in Dog’s Breath, Arkansas, you may very well find that the total LGBTQ population is in the single digits. Just based on sheer population, the more people who live there, the more men who sleep with men there will be. Certain cities are going to have a larger and more vibrant queer population – New York and San Francisco obviously, but also Seattle, Portland, Austin, Houston, Phoenix and Boston all have significant gay communities. The larger the communities, the more gay, bi and pan geeks you’re going to find. In addition, the more liberal and cosmopolitan the city, the more likely that you’re going to find a population that’s going to treat your gender identity as a non-issue.

The next – and really, obvious – step to finding the people you want to date is to go where the people you want to date hang out. This means you may want to get involved in the local geek community, especially in an organizational role. If there’s a convention held in your area, getting involved with that can be a good way of getting to know lots of geeks really damn fast.

Like I’ve said before: the more you involve yourself in your passions, the more you’re going to meet people who share those passions and who you’re going to be compatible with. Even if you’re not necessarily meeting people who are boyfriend material right off the bat, you’re going to be meeting cool people who will also know cool people and can introduce you to them.

It’s also worth getting involved with the local LGBTQ community and attending groups and meetups specifically for gay, bi and pan men — queer amateur sports leagues, hiking groups, even tabletop gaming groups. While this doesn’t guarantee that you’re going to meet queer male geeks, it will definitely increase the number of folks you’re meeting and help expand your social circle… which in turn, helps increase the number of folks you meet who you may well want to date.

Beyond that, I recommend that you pursue online dating – after all, you can screen for geeks or the geek-curious very easily in your profile. OKCupid is an obvious choice, as are apps like Grindr, but you may also want to look into dating sites for people who are specifically looking for (or open to) dating trans men.

Another possibility, and one that’s a bit outside the box: don’t forget MMOs. It’s easy to forget that the friendships and relationship people make in MMOs are real and valid. While I don’t recommend using them as a DATING app, per se, more people have met, dated and married because of World of Warcraft and Final Fantasy XIV than Grindr and Tinder.

It can take some time and effort but if you stack the deck as much as possible (big city, online dating, involvement in the geek community) in your favor, you’ll start meeting some awesome geek boys soon.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: There is a guy who is attractive and as a gay person I find it difficult to tell if others are gay. We “jokingly” flirting and I’m not sure if he is serious or not. He doesn’t know that I’m gay. How could I find out? How can I ask without revealing my sexuality?

Jammed Gaydar

DEAR JAMMED GAYDAR: Let’s start with an obvious caveat, JG: I’m a cis, straight guy. For obvious reasons, there’s a strong chance that there’re aspects that I would never think of, by virtue of the fact that I’m not going to have the same lived experiences, concerns or perspective as an out gay man. So please be sure to take my advice with all appropriate levels of salt.

I also would like to invite my gay, bi and pansexual male (and male-bodied non-binary folks) chime in with their suggestions in the comments.

Now with that being said: this is a tough one, even in the (theoretically) more enlightened future of 2022. In an ideal world, I’d tell you “just ask him out” and let the chips fall where they may. Unfortunately, this isn’t an ideal world and for LBGTQ people; asking someone out can be a genuine risk to their personal safety. I have several gay friends who live in areas where “gay panic” is still considered a viable defense for assault as far as the cops are concerned.

However, I think in your case, you’re on slightly safer ground with this guy. While there’re always dudes who are ok with JOKING about being attracted to dudes but will lose their goddamn minds if you actually ask them out on a date… this is a guy who you’ve been “play” flirting with for a while. If you and this guy have been jokingly flirting back and forth (“ha ha, just kidding… unless…?”), then I’m willing to bet that if he’s not gay, then he’s at least someone who isn’t going to freak out if you mention that maybe he’s kinda givin’ off the gay vibe a little. Homophobes and other ass--les who fear being mistaken for closet cases aren’t the ones who’re going to be willing to indulge in some flirty banter with another dude. They’re usually the most dedicated of the gender police, wanting to make sure everybody knows just how much they luuuuurve the ladies.

Now, how do you find out if someone is gay without giving away your sexuality? It’s fairly simple: you just ask. “Hey, just out of curiosity, are you gay?”

Is this the BEST option? Not always. But it’s certainly the simplest.

How do you find out if someone is gay, without automatically revealing your own sexuality AND without being kinda rude about it? Slightly more difficult, but again it comes down to using your words.

Sure, there are other ways you could go about finding out. You could check who’s on Grindr in your vicinity or troll through the gay and bi male profiles on OKCupid and see if his pops up. Once the latest surge subsides and things are safer, you could hang around the gay bars in your area and see if he happens to wander in for the two-for-one drink specials and buffalo wings. You could try telling stories about exes and seeing if he’s going to play the pronoun game.

Of course, all of these have their own drawbacks and risks of false positives or false negatives and also, honestly, who has the TIME?

In all seriousness and with all joking aside, I’d recommend just asking him. “Hey, I know we kinda joke back and forth and that’s cool but I’m kinda getting a vibe here and you seem like you might be into guys? I mean, it’s cool either way, I’m just curious.”

And like I said: I understand why you might want to keep your sexual orientation under wraps but if he’s the type who’s willing to flirt with another guy – even jokingly – I’m more than willing to bet that he’s not going to freak out over the fact that you’re gay, even if he isn’t.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’ve never made out with a girl and I’m 19 turning 20 this year.

My biggest fear (besides it never happening) is that once I do, I’ll be so embarrassingly horrible that I’ll completely turn the girl off because I assume she’ll have more experience than me. This makes me especially afraid to even try anything with a girl that I might want to date because even if I do get that far it’ll just blow up in my face. Do you have any tips or advice?

Thanks for reading, I hope to hear from you soon.

N00B3

DEAR NOOB3: Dude. You’re 19. Chill out. Being inexperienced isn’t a horrible deal-breaker; if it was, nobody would be dating or having sex. We all start with zero experience and stumble our way forward from there. Some of us find partners who are just as inexperienced as we are and fumble our way through the dark together, others find partners who are more experienced and willing to give some guidance and still others learn through trial and error.

Occasionally you will run into an a--hole who will treat your being inexperienced as a huge problem. That’s fine: this has nothing to do with you and everything to do with the fact that they’re an a--hole. Most people aren’t going to freak out if you’ve never made out with anyone before and the ones who do aren’t people you want to date in the first place, so f--k ’em.

The keys to successfully making the transition from noob to experienced is to relax and ready to learn. What you need more than anything else is a willingness to go slow and take direction. No two people kiss the same way or necessarily like the same kissing style – every time with someone new is a learning experience. The best way to avoid awkwardness is to not be overly aggressive or intense; better to keep it light and follow your partner’s lead rather than attacking her face like an overly affectionate golden retriever.

If things do get awkward – you bump teeth, get the nose when aiming for the lips – stay relaxed and just laugh it off. If you don’t act like it’s a big deal, she won’t treat it like a big deal. If you do something she doesn’t like – too much tongue, grabbing the back of the head like a dying man, something – apologize and ask her how she likes to be kissed. Or, better: ask her to SHOW you how she likes to be kissed.

Keep your cool and it’ll all go so smoothly that you’ll be wondering why you were getting so weirded out over it.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’m not sure if I’ve just lost what seemed to be shaping up to be a really good friend. I am 22yo, she is 24yo

She’s a woman I met in a class about a year or so ago when the both of us were in school, after our class finished we stayed friendly but we would only see each other once in a (long) while. Long story short, I move out of town, I move back, time passes and we are beginning to hang out more often. I wouldn’t say we were “close” but recently we were getting closer as we were helping each other with things here and there and finding a lot of enjoyment spending time together as friends.

I had spoken to her just over a week ago and told her that I was attracted to her but she told me that she was currently in a “friends with benefits” kind of situation with another individual and there were perhaps thoughts to get more serious. That and another reason or two was why our relationship wouldn’t be going past friendship; not what I wanted but hey its not the end of the world either. So one evening a few days later we’re hanging out again, I’d accepted that I was in the friend zone and had no plans or expectations for things to move past that. However, after a few drinks it just so happens that we ended up having sex.

I’m fairly confident it was a pleasant experience for the both of us that night, however the morning after although things weren’t bad I didn’t get the feeling that everything was okay. I’m aware that this was a mistake and a lot that wasn’t supposed to happen, happened real fast; as such I imagine she’s going to want some space and some time to herself. It’s been about four days since that night at the time I’m sending this and I haven’t heard anything from her. I don’t want to hassle her with calls/texts but I also don’t want to stay so silent that she might think I’m oblivious and or don’t care.

Thus I ask, should I expect to be able to salvage our friendship? and how should I go about doing so?

Friend Zone Escapee

DEAR FRIEND ZONE ESCAPEE: Hoo boy. This is the sort of letter that could be either a “well, things got awkward” or it could be a “this isn’t awkward, this is literally a crime.”

I’m hoping that it’s the former. Really, REALLY hoping.

Normally I would say “Congratulations for escaping the Friend Zone“, except I’m not entirely sure you did.

(Also there’s no such thing as The Friend Zone, there’re just people who don’t want to sleep with you or date you.)

You leave a lot of details out, FZE, and those can make all the difference. She’s in a friends with benefits relationship with a dude that may be getting serious… plus some “other unnamed reasons”. Ya’ll got drunk and you “just so happened” to have sex… but again, without more details here, it’s really hard to make any sort of judgement about what happened. Did she make the first move, or did you? Was it a moment of alcohol-inspired loosening of the ol’ inhibitions, the culmination of months of an unspoken yet growing sexual tension between the two of you, FZE? Or perhaps she had a falling out with her friend-with-benefits and needed some comfort? Maybe she was feeling unattractive for some reason and was a little vulnerable? Did you see an opening and wear her down until she decided to sleep with you? Details like these can radically change one’s interpretation of the events.

Regardless of the events – and when you say “I’m confident it was a pleasant experience for both of us”, that does seem to imply you’re not too clear on things yourself – it’s the morning after that can make all the difference.

I’m not gonna sugar-coat it, FZE. You kinda blew it here.

You said yourself that things were uncomfortable the next day; you both weren’t tearing your hair out wailing “Oh God, what did we do?”, but clearly things were a little strained. You did something neither of you planned on last night – when booze is involved, boundaries can be blurred, decisions were made that may not have been made otherwise – and she may have been feeling some very complicated feelings afterwards.

(I am giving you the benefit of the doubt and assuming that this was a MUTUAL decision to have sex while you were both hammered. Otherwise this isn’t a “ok, things went in a way we didn’t expect, feelings are complicated,” but a “she did NOT consent to sex with you and this is very VERY bad and — depending on laws in your state — literally the definition of rape” situation)

The best thing you could have done is to at least make the offer to talk about it. You could have said “Hey, things got a little crazy last night. I mean, I enjoyed it, and I hope you did too, but I think that we should talk about it.” And then you leave the ball in her court. She may not have wanted to discuss it; in fact, the only thing she wanted to do was pretend that both of you got drunk on the couch and passed out and nothing happened. She may have wanted to pretend that she didn’t remember anything and that you didn’t either. But by making the offer to talk, you would have at least been signaling that you were willing to make the tacit agreement that things got a little weird and you’re making an effort to meet her half-way on it.

Christ, I hope you didn’t just go “Well, that was awesome” and take off in the morning.

Giving her space and time to herself MIGHT have been the right idea… if she had been the one to say that she needs it. Unilaterally deciding to let her make the first move is sending a completely different signal. It’s entirely possible that your willingness to give her space is coming off as “Well, I got what I wanted, so I’m outta here.” It may give her the impression that you feel guilty for what happened and blame her. It’s impossible to say how she’s taking it because – again – you haven’t given her the chance to tell you how she feels about things.

I can understand that you don’t want to harass her or make her feel pressured to talk to you, but you should at least reach out to her. I’d recommend calling her; if you’re especially nervous, you can try to arrange it at a time when you can leave a voice mail. You should acknowledge that yeah, things are a little weird and you both did something you didn’t expect, but you hope she’s ok, you miss her and you’re here for her if she wants to talk about it, and that you hope she calls you back.

And then you leave it at that. If she wants to talk to you, she’ll let you know. Then, if you’re lucky, you’ll hopefully be able to salvage things.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com