Ask Dr. Nerdlove

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE:

My message today is coming from a place of uncertainty, and I feel I need guidance. I’ve recently ended a six year long relationship due to it not meeting my needs, and my dating life over the past decade has been pretty vanilla in that area. 

Because of that, I’m looking to explore more of my interests on the side of finding a more dominant partner. I’ve joined a forum for my interests stating my wants, needs and hard no’s, and I have friends in the poly/swinger community I can ask, but I really have no idea on how to respectfully approach a dominatrix of any kind. Are there any tips, do’s, and don’ts? Any advice on this topic is well appreciated.

All the Best,

Rocketeer Seeking Bettie

DEAR ROCKETEER SEEKING BETTIE: Y’know, the pedantic nerd (and Dave Stevens) fan in me feels the need to point out that both Bettie in the Rocketeer and Bettie Paige, who she was based on, were pin-up models who dressed in BDSM outfits for shoots, not actual dominatrixes…

(And also Dave Stevens’ relationship with Bettie Page is an incredibly sweet story and someone should do more with that. Also, look up Stevens’ art; he was great and taken from us far too soon.)

Anyway, let’s give you some actual help instead of me just flexing my nerd cred here. You want to meet a dom or, ideally, date someone who’s more dominant in general. If that’s what you’re into then you need to go where the doms are. The most obvious place is, of course, FetLife. FetLife is very much like Facebook for kinky people and, like Facebook, it’s not explicitly a dating site. While people can and do hook up on there, it’s primarily a social media site that caters to folks who prefer whips and ropes to flowers and candy. Not only is it a good place to find kinky folks in your area, it’s also a good way to start learning some of the etiquette of BDSM and doms and subs.

What I would suggest is that you start slowly and get involved in the community. The kink community is small and very connected, so taking time to get your feet wet instead of diving straight in is a good decision, especially if you’re looking for a female dom. They tend to be rarer on the ground and, as a result, in great demand; networking within your community and establishing yourself as a safe, open-minded and trustworthy guy is going to be key to any relationship in the community, whether you’re booking a session with a professional or just meeting like-minded kinksters.

There’re three ways you can get started. The first is to find what’s known as a “munch”. These are semi-informal get-togethers in the kink community, usually at bars or restaurants, where people come to talk, trade stories or tips, meet and greet and generally establish relationships. What they aren’t are play parties. A munch tends to look more like a bunch of friends getting together for a cocktail hour or brunch, and while folks may talk shop and plan they aren’t there to pair off or tie each other up. If you go, treat it like a networking event; get to know people, let folks know that you’re new to the scene and looking to learn more. Coming in with an open mind, a willingness to listen and learn and follow the community norms will help you merge in seamlessly.

The second would be to see if someone with a dungeon is hosting an open house. Most pro dungeons are by appointment only, for obvious reasons. While there’s little to no sexual activity in a pro-domme session, that doesn’t mean that they aren’t often skirting the legal limits, and there’re always sex-negative a--holes who would take any excuse to shut them down and arrest a bunch of folks… even if no laws are actually being broken. Some dungeon owners, however, will hold open-houses that are designed specifically for the newbies and the curious; while this means that sometimes there’ll be some lookieloos who’re only there for safe “edgy” thrills, most of the people who will attend are either established within the community, newbies and curious folks like you who are intrigued and would want to learn more. These parties tend to be either by invite only or require buying a ticket; this helps keep the randos and tourists to a minimum, and makes sure that the only people who attend are folks who have read and will follow the rules.

Open houses like this can be a good way for a newbie like yourself to not only experience a scene, but also meet potential doms and play partners. If you’ve attended a munch first and met some potential doms that you click with, an open house or event at a dungeon may well be a great way to try things out and see if the two of you are a good match for one another.

As for learning the ropes (as it were), you may also want to start following some pro-dommes on Twitter and other social media, as well as check out their websites; these often will have rules and screening questions, as well as occasional etiquette guides for the new and curious. I’d also recommend checking out some books and websites for folks starting to get into kink. Bound Together, for example,  has a good resource page, and Wicked Grounds offers online classes that run the gamut from knot tying to advanced negotiation and dating while kinky, which may be exactly what you’re looking for.

Good luck!

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I came across your column this morning after having oddly enough, a very unsettling/confusing discussion with my husband of 25 years the night before, about his new sexual desires.  So I don’t drag this out too long, let me hit the highlights of what has prompted me to reach out to you.

When we first met in 1998, he told me he loves to watch his partner being pleased by another man, whether he is participating or not. I had never been exposed to such a sensual dirty little fetish but I was more than happy to engage.  This type of swinger lifestyle would continue off and on throughout the last 24 years of our marriage. We both enjoyed it very much, he never seemed to be overly excited to do the usual 2 girls one guy fantasy or a full couple swap, I mean we did it a few times but it never was really a turn on for him nor for me.  We mainly stuck to one guy pleasing me while he watched and maybe 50% of the time he would join in with kissing me, touching me, giving me oral etc, while the other guy was at it. Sometimes I would go to the other guys house or he’d come to our house or we would meet someone at a swingers club.

A year ago the dynamics changed. My hubby began to want me to play with his butt. At first I was shocked, as he was very much against any type of butt play. It first started with a small dildo, then escalated to a longer one, a wider one and more. Then he requested we invite one of my play partners over who had at one point, years ago, asked if my husband wanted to clean his unit off after he had sex with me. At the time my husband was applauding and laughed saying f--k no that would never happen! Well, 6 months later he wanted to pull the trigger and asked if I would reach out to him.  I was apprehensive and not sure how or if I would like this new type of play but I am a pretty open person sexually and was willing to give it a try at least once. I mean if neither of us liked it then we’d never have to do it again. I enjoyed parts of it and it did turn me on in a strange way to watch hubby give oral. After I think he was more in shock that he actually did it and then would be sheepish about it and say not to talk about it or bring it up. He said it was a one time thing, chalked it up to an experience and said that it was done. 

That was over a year ago and now he wants kind of the same thing. He’s now expressed elaborate fantasies about my pegging him after I’ve been with other men and telling  me these gets him excited ( for months now he says he has zero sex drive, no libido, he’ll say his junk is dead). He has even said he wants a guy to f--k him . His old thing used to be to go down on me after I’d been with someone else. That was hot but still a little odd for me but he enjoyed it so much I was happy to oblige him. 

I just don’t know what to make of this new sexual desire/drive, when I have been missing his sexual drive towards me for so long. I should also probably mention over the last 6 months or so he hasn’t been as affectionate and touchy feely with me. He has trouble maintaining an erection and will stop and either want me to go down on him or masturbate while he rubs one out. Most of the time he will masturbate at least 3 times a week by himself and not even offer to touch or play with me.  He says it is easier for him to masturbate because he can control the tightness and doesn’t need to have a full erection to have an orgasm.  I get all that, it has been an adjustment not having intimate sex with him and him not being as touchy but I get it and we have made adjustments for it.  There used to be the times when I would come home after being with another man and he was all over me, reclaiming me passionately.  Now he says it is just not as exciting for him anymore… but it still is for me. As it is, I am beginning to get my sexual excitement and fulfillment with the other men, which is dangerous. I am in no way looking to replace my husband, I just desperately miss the passion and sexual appetite he had for me.  

Where I am having the dilemma is I feel like his desire for experimenting more with another man will replace the affection and hot sex we have shared for many years, not so much recently.  I do not know how I am going to like watching him get f--ked by another guy.  He is not interested in being the top, just bottoming.

I am really very frazzled by this, I want to be totally open and willing to try and do anything but I really feel because I have lost that intimacy with him, he will imprint onto the next new hot desire. I should also mention he would always and I mean always please me either before the act of sex or after.  He would even offer to please me when his libido started to disappear but not so much anymore.  Matter of fact we can go 2+ weeks with no sexual intimacy at all, I mean sure the I love you, the quick hug in the kitchen and the little kisses in the morning and before bed.  Please understand I pretty much beg and try to tease him with wearing little outfits he used to find so sexy on me. I am not shy about asking for what I need/want. He’ll “jokingly” tell me that is what my boyfriends are for.  

I guess what it comes down to, now that I have typed this all out, is am I willing to share him with another man in our bed?  He would do anything for me, no matter how dirty or perverse. If it was something I really wanted to try or make a part of our sex life, he’d be game for at least trying it once. Maybe because I am feeling not as desired, or wanted, or lusted over, pawed over, moaned over anymore is why I am apprehensive. Has he been working up to this in his mind for over a year now? Has he subconsciously been ever so slowly pushing me away or at the very least encouraging me that it is ok to f--k who I want when I want and planting the “that is want your boyfriend is for” seed,  because he as been wanting to satisfy this urge inside of him that he has had probably had his whole life? The other odd/weird thing is years ago I said if he ever were to “come out” or “become gay” (kind of like those stories you hear of husband who were married for 25 years and then left their wives for another man), I would still want him to be my best friend.  Of course he laughed and said why the hell would you ever think that?  

Part of me just wants to roll the dice, let it happen, see where it goes.  I can hear him now afterwards saying, well at least I can say I did it and tried it.  He’ll shut down the desire again for another year or so and then it will come back.  It always seems to come back.  I guess I will ever know unless I try it with him and neither will he for that matter…..I mean, he wants to try it and he’d do it for me.  Hell, who knows maybe my weird hang up about this turns out to be the most erotic sensual thing we have ever done.

Apprehensive in Florida

DEAR APPREHENSIVE IN FLORIDA: Well I think this set a record for the most amount of editing I’ve had to do to someone’s letter in a long time…

And on that note, I’m once again going to point out my general philosophy of potential fake letters: I’m not terribly fussed about them. Some folks will write letters to advice columns in order to see if they can get something past the columnist while others want to have their fantasies in print and get off on it.

But as the saying goes, EVERY letter in an advice column is basically fake or theoretical to everyone but the letter-writer and if there’s something that others can learn from, then hey, there’s a benefit there too.

So with that in mind: as odd or “Dear Penthouse, I never thought your letters were real until…” as this can sound, what you’re describing, AIF, is a man — possibly a man who’s coming to terms with being gay, bi or pansexual — with a cuckolding and humiliation fetish.

There’re a number of different ways that folks will enjoy group sex. Some people like having sex in the same room as other couples who are ALSO having sex. Others like full-participation – threesomes, for example, or full-swapping between couples. Others are into what’s called Stag and Doe or Hot-Wifeing, where one person (usually the husband) watches as someone has sex with their partner. Then there’s cuckolding, like your husband is into. Cuckolding and Stag and Doe are superficially similar, but there’s a critical difference: cuckolding comes with an element of humiliation for the non-participating partner.

The idea in cuckolding isn’t “Hey, look how hot my wife is, I love watching her have sex with other folks,” it’s “this other person is f--king my wife and making me watch” or “This other person is f--king my wife better than me”. The humiliation and degradation of the voyeuristic partner is key. Sometimes, as with your husband, the cuckold is “dragged” or “forced” to interact with the bull (the guest star who’s brought in to f--k the other partner) in ways that are seen as degrading – having to clean off the bull’s penis with his mouth or clean the semen out of his partner. The whole point is the eroticization of shame, making the cuckold feel like less of a man and rubbing his inadequacy in his face… sometimes literally.

One thing that’s worth noting is that while the “forced” aspects of interaction with the bull have elements of homo- or bisexuality, usually the cuckold is straight; the “forced bi” aspect is part of the humiliation. Your husband may well have discovered that he is, in fact, bi or pansexual during these encounters. Or he may have just learned that he likes buttplay, that insertion toys and prostate play are fun for him and he’s willing to take the cuckoldry further to new levels. It’s significant that he wants to bottom for these theoretical encounters; the casting the cuck in the submissive role is part of the submission and domination aspect of cuckoldry after all. But honestly, the only person who could say for sure is… well, him. He is, after all, the only person who knows what’s going on in between his ears during all of this.

Now part of where this is getting slightly sus is how little sex you’re having outside of these encounters. This could be a case of him being less interested in sex with you and more about him being interested in exploring these emerging sides of his sexuality because it’s the new shiny thing. The Coolidge Effect – where dopamine production during sex drops over time with the same partner, but spikes with a new one – is very real. Or it could be that he’s starting to be less attracted to you in general and this has become his way of slow-walking you (or him) out of a sexual relationship and either towards a more companionate marriage or out of the relationship entirely. It’s decidedly passive-aggressive and not cool, but… well, it’s something a lot of folks do when they don’t want to be the one to pull the trigger on ending the relationship.

Or it could be that he’s in the process of realizing he’s less straight than he thought and having sex with a woman isn’t what he wants anymore.

The only person who can tell you is your husband. So while you may still give this reverse stag and doe a try if that’s your thing, I’d suggest that you talk to your husband first. At the very least, this is a time for an Awkward Conversation, where you lay out exactly what your concerns are, why they bother you and what you think would make things better. However, I think you’d probably have better results by going to a sex-positive marriage counselor and having the conversation mediated by a trained third party. If you don’t have a marriage counselor already or you don’t feel like they’d understand the kink dynamics in your marriage, then I’d suggest visiting the American Association of Sex Educators, Counselors and Therapists at aasect.org. They have a referral directory of sex-positive counselors in your area who can help the two of you work through exactly what’s going on here, how to move forward and – if necessary – how to wind the marriage down with a minimum of complications and hurt feelings.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: In 2012-ish I was dating my first serious boyfriend. We were talking marriage, future, the whole thing. In retrospect there were A LOT of red flags that I ignored because it was my first real relationship and I didn’t want to listen to other people because I was just so in love with him. We had been together about a year and a half. He’d met my entire extended family. He told me he had a previous fiance and a child who died in a car accident. I was on my way home from college for the summer and I get a text from him. Oops wait… not him, his fiance of 3 fricking years. Not dead and no children either. He lied to me about pretty much everything except his name. I told the fiance that if he kept me on the hook for that long, there were probably others. She said he had photo albums with pictures of naked women who weren’t her. I tried to convince her to leave him as well, but they ended up getting married a few years later. Anyway, I dumped the douche canoe the next day and didn’t look back. There’s a lot more traumatizing details and events that would take too long to explain here. Long story short, this dude ruined me for a while.

Anyway, flash forward to 2022. I’m happily married. We’ve just had our second child. Who pops up in an unsolicited DM? His friggin’ wife. She’s on some rampage trying to get me to write a character statement for a judge or something about what a piece of s--t he was 10 years ago. I don’t know how she found my private profile or even knew my married name. I shut her down, block her, and think it was weird but over. No. Then Douche Canoe himself messages me separately and apologizes for her behavior. He bombards me with messages about how they are splitting up and he’s fresh out of his 4th stay in the mental health ward. He tells me how sorry he is and that he really screwed up by lying to the wrong girl blah blah blah. I still, and will continue, to hate him for what he did to me.

The problem is, hearing from him has reopened old wounds all over again. I feel like I am finding all this out for the first time. My husband is understanding of my moods and is supporting me as best as he can. He told me he understands and that I’m allowed to feel hurt and confused.

I feel guilty for even being affected by the whole thing since I thought I had those feelings dead and buried long ago. What can I do to stop reopening old wounds? Why does it still hurt so much? Will I ever be completely rid of him? I feel like a failure as a wife and mother for having these strong, unexpected emotional ties to someone who I don’t even want to be downwind of again.

The Past Isn’t Even Past

DEAR THE PAST ISN’T EVEN PAST: This is fairly easy, TPIEP: you didn’t reopen old wounds, they did.

But let’s jump back for a second: this dude hurt you. He told you absurd f--king lies that made him seem deep and significant and carrying wounds, in no small part so that you would feel like you were part of a grand romantic narrative… but mostly because it made him seem special. This was equal parts to get you, but also to bolster up his own ego. You believed him because honestly who the actual f--k lies about these things? Well, as we’ve seen from shows like Bad Vegan and The Tinder Swindler… lots of toxic, manipulative assholes.

It’s bad enough that he was a liar and a cheat, but the fact that you believed his lies? That’s what makes it hurt even worse. The fact that you were taken in by him is like the kiss of eau de f--k you, the squeeze of fresh lemon juice on the open wound that was finding out that he was a s--tty, lying, cheating bag of prolapsed rectums. It hurts so much more because it strikes you straight to your core; how could you have been so naive, so trusting, so whatever that he was able to mislead you like this? Well, not because you were stupid or too trusting or too whatever, but because he was a skilled manipulator. That’s not on you, that’s entirely on him.

So there he is, exposed as the liar and cheat he is. After a year and a half of being with this guy, you’re learning that nothing that you believed about him was true. The guy you thought you were dating never existed and it turns out that you never knew who he was at all. Yeah I’m absolutely not surprised how much this f--ked you up. You had your sense of reality turned upside down and given a shake and oh look a talking turd fell out. That’s going to screw with anyone.

But you recovered from this. You lived, you learned, you didn’t let this put a callous on your soul and you were able to trust and find someone so much better. Now here you are, a decade later, with a much better relationship and a much better life, happily relegating him to the garbage dump of S--tty Boyfriends Past and having done what I imagine was a significant amount of work to heal the damage he did. And lo and behold, his wife comes screaming out of the clear blue sky again and tries to drag you into her bulls--t and drama. So now the past is no longer prologue, nor is it even past any more; it’s very much the present and it’s stinking up your inbox like The Worst Toilet in Scotland. And I want to stress: this isn’t your mess to deal with, it’s his wife trying to push you back into this because you had the misfortune of believing a lying liar who tells lies when you were younger and less experienced.

Yeah, that’s gonna hurt. It’s gonna hurt, not just because it’s a reminder of an awful experience you’ve tried to move on from, but because his wife isn’t seeing you like a person. She sees you as a hammer that she can use to sack-tap her husband during the divorce. How f--king insulting is that? To go to one of his victims and try to drag them back into her drama with no regard for your healing or well-being.

But in case that wasn’t enough, apparently it was two-for-one day at the self-centered-a--hole store because here he comes, a decade later and he doesn’t even have the dignity to be wearing a top hat and tails because while the notes may have changed, he’s trying to give you the same ol’ song and dance. So not only are they both opening old wounds like you’re stuck with scurvy on The Terror, but he’s got the f--king audacity to think that you might buy his bulls--t again? That ten years on, after he betrayed you in such a deep and fundamental way, thinking that you would ever want to hear from him again?

(Fun fact: while “making amends to the ones you harmed” may be a key part of various 12-step programs, the critical part folks often leave out is “unless attempting to do so will cause more harm.” Which is precisely what this dude is doing.)

So yeah, I’m not surprised that you’re feeling like this is a flashback to the trauma from the first time this happened. That’s exactly what this is. It’s the toxic relationship equivalent of The Matrix Resurrections, except instead of being an exploration and continuation of themes from a complex cyberpunk movie, it’s a couple of assholes hauling you back into their bulls--t and demonstrating that for them not a damn thing has changed. Second verse, same as the first, a whole lot louder and a whole lot worse.

And if I may: I want to applaud your husband, because he’s exactly right: you absolutely are allowed to be hurt and confused and also f--king angry about this.

What you shouldn’t do is blame yourself. Not for having fallen for his bulls--t, not for being hurt again or having deeply unpleasant feelings about all of this. None of this – literally none – is your fault. You didn’t seek them out. You didn’t ask for this. This was something they did to you. The fact that this hurts doesn’t mean that you’re a failure as a wife and mother, it hurts because they hurt you. If someone breaks your nose, then, after it’s healed, punches you in the nose again, you’re not a failure for being in pain. You didn’t fail to, I dunno, turn off your nerve endings or something.

This is the quintessential “this is a them problem, not a you problem.” You didn’t reopen old wounds. They did. You’re (rightfully) hurt, confused and upset by this because you got sucker-punched straight in an old emotional wound. You have done nothing to feel guilty about. I’m sorry that you’ve had to go through this, twice, but you need to remember: it’s not your fault. It’s theirs. Tattoo this backwards on your forehead so you can see it when you wash your face. Shave your head if you need the room: this is not your fault. It’s theirs.

Cut them out of your life like you’re excising a tumor. Block them on every possible way that they can get ahold of you, set up filters to send their s--t straight to spam folders or the trash where you never have to see it. If he continues to try to get around your blocks and filters, consider talking to a lawyer about some form of a no-contact order. It may be a hard lift to achieve, but having a judge say “shut the f--k up and go away” may be the open-palm slap across the mouth that tells them to never so much as blink in your general direction, never mind message you again.

This is not your fault. It’s theirs.

All will be well.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com