Ask Dr. Nerdlove

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’m a very average guy when it comes to dating, I feel. I go out on dates with girls once in a awhile. I don’t have any issues with asking girls out, but at the same time I’m not a “player”. The question is :

What do I do if I’m insecure about my girl’s career? Is there something to make it easier to get over?

I’ve been dating this girl for a while. I met her in a bar in downtown San Diego. She was working there as a go-go dancer. Her lifestyle of constant bars and clubs, along with getting hit on by celebrities in LA makes me insecure. In the past, she has been in shows on HBO and was a model for a long time in a TERRIBLE show called “Manswers” on Spike TV. I don’t stop her from doing anything, And I never pay for anything.

But her lifestyle, and the fact that she makes more money then me makes me insecure.

Kicking Outside My Coverage

DEAR KICKING OUTSIDE MY COVERAGE: So, there’s a reason why I pulled your question specifically, KOMC, and that’s because of how universal this actually is.

See, it’s really easy to get caught up on the flashy details of your situation: a girlfriend whose career depends on being physically attractive and desirable, who’s income is dependent on creating an illusion of being available but unobtainable, and has “high status men” – for suitably individual values of “high” as well as definitions of “status” clamoring to try to get into her pants.

But honestly, while the details are sexy and all, the problem that you’re dealing with is actually remarkably common. The problem isn’t that she’s a gogo dancer or that she’s got celebrities hitting on her. The problem is that you’re worried that you’re not good enough for her and that you can’t contend with the hordes of other men who might be competing for her time and attention.

In fact, you see a lot of this discourse these days in a lot of Manosphere circles and related social media accounts – men proclaiming how they’d never “let” their girlfriend start an OnlyFans or how women who “show off their bodies on Instagram” are less trustworthy because... reasons. 

Now if we’re being honest, much of this discourse happens because the loudest voices are very open about wanting to control their girlfriends or wives, making them less “partners” and more “property”. But another part of it comes because of how many people see dating as a competition. This undercurrent comes up all the time when we hear from men who worry that the women they want to date are “out of their league” or that they can’t outperform “players”. They worry that they don’t have the coolest car, the best or sexiest job, the biggest paycheck or the “Six Sixes” and thus can never trust that their relationship is secure.

Mix this with classic toxic and restrictive ideas about gender roles – like men having to earn more than their partners – and you’ve created a situation where someone can never feel secure in their relationship. There’s always that fear that “someone wants to take my stuff”, and worse, your “stuff” may want to be taken.

And that’s what we have here. Take away the sexy details and this is a common, even mundane problem. It’s ultimately down to the fear that dating is less about mutual attraction, respect, shared interests and values and compatibility, and more about who’s got the most points on the spreadsheet.

But that’s not how people date. While there’re always going to be individuals who are that mercenary and status-seeking in their relationships, they’re so few and far between that worrying about them is like worrying about being eaten by a great white shark… when you live in Iowa.

But hey, maybe that’s a thing to worry about for you. Johnny Theoretical may be in the Mojave, but you and your sweetie are swimming around The Great Barrier Reef… and your girlfriend’s been dousing herself in steak sauce. So how is an average non-celebrity supposed to date an incredible woman when there’re so many other people who also want her? Men who can flash fat stacks and flashy rides, wave their clout around and turn her head with all those demonstrations of higher value?

Well here’s my first question: if your girlfriend was that shallow and that easily drawn away, wouldn’t that mean that she shouldn’t be with you in the first place? Well, obviously not. It’s not as though you met her when she was a simple, naive young thing from the country, stepping off the bus and into The Big Bad City for the first time. She was a a gogo dancer and fixture in the nightlife scene when you met her. She was already living a life that brought her into contact with the rich and famous, with folks trying to woo her with their connections, cash and clout. And yet she’s with you. Has been all this time, too.

Yeah, the Usual Suspects can make noises about “betabux” or weird cuckoo logic (literal cuckoo logic, at that) about banging celebrities behind your back while dating you, but none of that actually makes a lick of damn sense when you think about it for half a second. If her whole thing would be banging all these “better” men… why would she be doing so while dating you? Clearly it would be better for her to actually be single and maximize her opportunities. Nor would it make much sense for her to be buying you things with the money she’s earning in these flashy, sexy jobs, if you’re just the “beta” who’s ultimately providing support for the lifestyle to which she intends to be come accustomed.

I think you have to take a deep breath and look at how she’s actually behaving. Unless you left some significant details out of your letter, it sounds like this is much more about the potential that some celebrity will finally break down her defenses and sweep her off her feet than an actual worry. If she’s been with you, a non-celebrity, for all this time (and again, in a career that she’s had from before you met her) and stayed with you as she’s had TV gigs, modeling jobs and other occasions to mix and mingle amongst the glamorous… well maybe she’s with you because she likes you for who you are. She didn’t start dating you because you’re the New Hotness on the Hollywood scene, she started dating you because you’re you and she likes you, specifically. 

Plus, I can guarantee you that she finds a lot of the celebrities to be obnoxious. I’ve got friends who’ve been in similar situations – friends who dated folks who you would’ve heard of – who’ve said the same thing: 9 times out of 10, the celebrities who’re hitting on the dancers or models tend to be tedious at best, or their behavior and attitudes render them utterly unfuckable.

So I think what you need, to help get over this hump, is to focus on that. She started dating you because of who you are and how you make her feel. Trusting her and trusting that connection will do much more for easing your anxiety and realizing that hey, she’s fully capable of recognizing that she’s got a good thing going here.

Now as for the money issue… look, it’s hard to undo a literal lifetime of social programming that gets so deeply embedded in male psyches that some men get erectile dysfunction when their partners outearn them. But while your disparity in income may mean that you can’t split the bills 50/50, you can contribute in other ways. Even if it means saving up so you can splurge on her on occasion, finding different ways to provide in the relationship and actually valuing those contributions will help immensely. Your bank accounts may have similar balances, but you can make sure that the balance of your participation in your shared life makes up the difference.

And honestly? That’s going to mean a lot more to her than anything with a price tag on it.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I am a 29 year old male in a 7 month relationship with a 27 year old female. As per attachment theory I’m an anxious preoccupied and my girlfriend is a Fearful Avoidant. My girlfriend is away in another city 7 hours away for a short course that she is in with 7 other batchmates and they have all become fast friends.

I do have high amounts of jealousy and insecurity that stems from my attachment trauma from childhood and am working on it with a therapist. My girlfriend has been going out drinking a lot with these new friends that are both male and female. I’ve been jealous of how she gets to do fun things with them and since I have no social life of my own in the small town I’m in, and I feel she is exceptionally more exuberant with them and doesn’t have that same kind of fun with me although things have been romantic between us so far. I keep constantly comparing her time with friends with the time she has had with me before leaving for this course. Since the anxiety was building up a lot I decided to communicate with her how due to some issues of mine I’ve been feeling jealous and anxious and that it was my personal responsibility to work on these things but nonetheless I feel that way. To which she replied it’s my problem and just to test my limits says the following thing

” Right after you called a platonic friend of mine who I had a crush on 4 or 5 years back was hugging me coz we had argued and was apologetic. And after all of us batchmates got drunk we slept on the same bed. On because we are asleep bodies are in contact and limbs are intertwined and I don’t see them as male and female bodies. In fact hypothetically if one of my male batchmate (1 month of knowing him) decided to kiss my cheek with a brotherly vibe, I don’t mind it at all. I have no problem with this kind of physical intimacy. I know my boundaries mentally and a girl would know if a guy is touching her with a different intention. I’m perfect and I’m happy and for my mental health I need both friends and the relationship I have with you. I’m not going to change for anybody”��My question is despite my deep insecurity and jealousy is the scenario that she mentioned normal? Of platonic opposite sex friends sharing the same bed? ‘Cuz in sleep body parts can go here and there. And despite trying to be non-confrontationally communicative, there seems to be no understanding. I have been in quite a few relationships and this is her first. I like whatever is going with us but I seem to obsessively now thinking about her being in physical contact with her opposite sex friends, cuddling/ spooning her and don’t feel like I can bring this up again without killing her attraction and respect towards me. Going alone to Google these doesn’t help one bit. Am I being irrational? Or is what she mentioned completely normal?

Going Crazy

DEAR GOING CRAZY: Well someone call the bellhop because there’s a lot to unpack here.

Let’s start with the immediate question: yes, two people sharing a bed can be completely platonic. No, parts don’t “accidentally” go into other parts when people are asleep, even when snuggled right up against one another. And yes, people can be physically and demonstrably affectionate with their friends; a guy kissing his female friend on the cheek isn’t automatically a sign of sexual or romantic interest, nor is it automatically intended that way.

Now, if the dude is trying to use a “frog-in-a-boiling-pot” approach to getting the person he’s crushing on comfortable with an escalating level of physical affection… well that’s when things get sus. But that isn’t the fault of the person who’s being kissed, and the person on the receiving end is fully capable of saying “hey, knock that off.”

But those are symptoms, not the real issues here. The way I see it, there’re three big problems that need to be dealt with. 

The first is your jealousy and envy –– which I don’t think is entirely about your girlfriend sharing a bed with someone. I suspect a big part of it is that you’re feeling isolated and left out. Your girlfriend, who’s hours away, is having an active social life while you’re at home in a small town and feeling lonely. It’s entirely understandable that you’re feeling worried that she’s having these great experiences and growing closer with her friends and that this means that she will also be growing distant from you.

But I think your feeling lonely and bored is the bigger contributing factor. It seems as though she’s your only source of socialization and fun when she’s around, so the idea that she’s having fun with other folks is leaving her with less time for you, and possibly even making the time she spends with you “less special”. If you had more of a social life, with your own and were out doing fun things yourself, you wouldn’t feel quite as uncomfortable that she’s enjoying herself with her friends. Amongst other things, you’d see that the fun she’s having doesn’t take away from the fun she has with you, in part because the fun you would be having with your friends wouldn’t take away from the fun you have with her.

So I think part of the solution here is fairly simple: you want to work on making new friends and having a more active social life. This will be helpful on a number of levels – amongst other things, being the only social outlet for someone can be exhausting. But just having more friends, more adventures of your own and more people you can turn to for emotional intimacy and connection will make you feel better overall and ease that sense of FOMO.

Now to be sure, making friends as an adult isn’t as simple as when you’re in school, but the process itself can be valuable and enriching as well. So, putting yourself out there, finding more things to do and connecting with people and letting those connections build to acquaintances and then to friendships will do wonders for you.

The next thing that I think you need to focus on is communication. The way your girlfriend responded seems… oddly aggressive. Now, if those are her actual words and not a summary and interpretation, then I’m torn between whether she’s that confrontational or if you were a little overly aggressive in how you were telling her how you feel. It’s not a bad thing to say “hey, I’m feeling a bit jealous right now”. It’s what you ask for next that determines whether things become a problem or not. If you framed it as “I need a little reassurance, could you give me a bit more affection or sweetness?” then yeah, her response seems a bit much. However if it was “I want you to stop doing X, because it makes me upset”… well then you’re going to run into problems.

See, your girlfriend – an independent person with her own agency – isn’t going to appreciate being told how to live her life, especially when there’s not really anything untoward happening. Between being told what she is or isn’t allowed to do and the underlying message of “I don’t trust you”, it’s understandable that she’s going to be irked.

Knowing how to communicate your feelings and what to ask for to help – and being able to express why it would make things better – is an important skill to cultivate for the long-term success of your relationship. Saying “You need to change how you relate to your friends because I don’t like it” isn’t good, constructive or helpful. Saying “I miss you and I worry that we’re drifting apart while you’re away, so I could use some reassurance and affirmation please”, on the other hand, is.

But that leads to our third issue: do you trust your girlfriend or not? Yes, you’ve got jealousy and attachment issues, I get that. But there comes a point where either you trust your girlfriend to be monogamous, to tell you the truth and to not do things that would hurt you, or you don’t. And if you don’t… well, that’s a you problem, not a her problem, and that makes it your issue to fix. That includes not constantly going to her for reassurance. It’s one thing to ask for a little help, but if you’re not working on giving yourself that reassurance, then you’re making it her problem to fix.

Now this is another place where having more people in your life would be helpful. Having more friends and loved ones means that you have more people to turn to for support, affirmation and to be talked back from the ledge. You’re better able to spread your need for intimacy and connection around, instead of piling it all onto one or two people. It creates a more stable base for you and keeps you from accidentally dumping all over others, putting too much stress on your relationship with them. Plus, having more people to do things with means you have less time to spend just letting your jerk brain running wild with all kinds of unpleasant or unwelcome fantasies and intrusive thoughts.

But again, you still have to be able to soothe yourself and sort your own feels. You can lean on others, but also have to be your own hero and the person you can rely on to pull yourself out of the spiral.

So do yourself a favor: talk to your therapist about some self-soothing and reassurance, while you work on building a social life. The less alone you feel, the less you’ll worry that you’ll lose your only connection. Having an abundance of people in your life helps ease that desire to cling to your girlfriend like a lovesick lamprey.

Plus, you’ll have a much better life overall. And that’s always a good thing.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’m a 50-something married guy who as a result of medical issues has permanent erectile dysfunction (pills don’t work, injections don’t work) and as a result of a lot of dating trauma, has huge self-confidence issues. I have no problems making friends, I’ve got lots of them, but I’ve had a lot of trouble finding and sustaining romantic connections.

I mean, yes, I’ve been married for over 20 years, so arguably I *have* sustained a romantic connection, but my wife, always less interested in sex, basically just gave it up about five years ago, and I decided, after listening to a fair amount of Dan Savage and discussing with my wife, to try polyamory. I found a welcoming community, but getting into polyamory just for a sexual connection your wife abandoned was frowned upon, and it turns out that I’m largely attracted to/attracted by people who are demisexual and often on the ace spectrum.

So I dated a few people, and I met and fell in love with someone else. But her needs for polyamory changed, and what was a loving, sustained relationship dissolved into a lot of fighting as she realized what she needed had changed quite a bit from when we first got started. She needed a nesting partner and a dad for her kids, and much as we loved each other, I can’t do that without a divorce I don’t want and becoming a dad to young kids again, which I also don’t want. Finally, in the last month, I had to break my own heart and break up with her. We remain friends, but it’s really hard.

After all of this, I honestly just want to shut down dating altogether. I’ve always been terrible at it, I’ve already met two loves of my life, and at my age I don’t see any real possibility that I’m going to meet another. And casual dating is out, in large part, because I’ll have to break down my sexual issues to new partners, which is difficult to do with casual partners. I’m too much of an extra hassle for someone to have a one night stand or FWB relationship. As Dan Savage has often noted, dick is plentiful, and yes, I may be a kind and funny guy, but that’s not in that short of a supply either, as far as I’ve seen.

So the issue I have is that I have sexual and affection/physical needs that are not being met, and I cannot for the life of me figure out a way to get them met. I’ve even considered hiring sex workers, but given FOSTA/SESTA, I have no idea how I’d even go about finding someone ethically in a way that I can afford anyway.

I feel pretty trapped here, Doc. I think I’m a pretty smart guy, I think I’ve considered the angles, I’ve done the therapy, and I think I’m legitimately in a place where the only answer is to shut down those emotional and physical needs, and I’m not entirely sure how to do that.

Deal-Broken

DEAR DEAL-BROKEN: There’s a lot to unpack here, DB, but I think one of the most important things to focus on is how you’re defining things. I realize that you’re coming from a complicated relationship situation and you’re dealing with a freshly broken heart, so the pain and negativity is weighing down on you. This entirely understandable; it’s hard to have an upbeat outlook when it feels like you had to pull a Mola Ram and yanked your own still-beating heart out of your chest. But let’s look at it from a different angle, shall we?

To start with, you and your wife took a complicated situation – you want sex, she doesn’t, you both don’t want to get divorced – and found a solution that works for the both of you. This requires a lot of emotional intelligence, trust and clear communication, as well as maintaining a great deal of respect for one another. That, in and of itself, is commendable. The seemingly “easy” answer – get divorced – wasn’t right for you, and so you two found a way of making things work on your terms.

That’s something you should be proud of. Making this sort of pivot in a multi-decade relationship is difficult under the best of circumstances. Doing so when you also have other complicating factors – medical-related disabilities, erectile dysfunction, dating trauma – makes it even more complicated. So the fact that you two collaborated to find a solution and threaded that particular needle says a lot about the two of you. Even if your new relationship isn’t typical, the fact that you two were able to collaborate like this says a lot of good things about you.

Similarly, we have your recent break up. It’s rough, no question about that. But it was also necessary. You recognized that you were in an untenable situation, where your needs and your partner’s needs weren’t compatible, and you did the hard, but required thing: you chose to end it. It broke your heart, sure. But that heart break, as bad as it is right now, as much as it hurts right now, is lesser than what the both of you would’ve experienced if you had tried to force yourself to stay in this relationship. This was a quick, clean break, not a prolonged, dragged out ordeal. It sucked – it probably sucked than anything has sucked before for you – but it was the best decision you could make in a bad situation. You wisely, rightly, chose to cut things off. Not because you didn’t love her enough, but because you did love her – and yourself – enough to do the incredibly hard thing.

That’s not just admirable, that’s brave. And quite frankly, a lot of people wouldn’t have been able to make that choice. And honestly, making that decision will go a long way towards not just helping keep a good relationship with your ex, but it’ll help clear the path for your next relationship.

Because here’s the thing: you may love your ex, but ending the relationship was the most loving thing you could do for the both of you. You made the hard decision that freed the both of you to find the people who are right for each of you, as you are now. Instead of spending more time trying to shove a square peg into a round hole, you set her free… and freed yourself in the process.

Those are all good things. It doesn’t feel like it right now, to be sure. But it is. Because here’s what’s going to happen:

This pain will fade. It doesn’t feel like it. It feels like you’re going to be living with this forever. But I am here from the future to tell you: you’re wrong. It will get better, with time and care.

What you need to do right now is give yourself a break. Give yourself permission to get out of the dating scene for a bit. You’re hurting and you need to heal. Facing the dating scene right now is very much like someone who just tore their ACL trying to compete in an Ironman race. You aren’t in any shape to date, not because you’re flawed, but because you’re injured. The injury isn’t self-inflicted so much as one that was necessary for the healing to start – like pulling debris out of a wound. It may hurt like the tortures of Lucifer and the entire infernal Host, it may have ripped and torn on the way out… but you couldn’t actually heal until it was gone. All that would have happened is that shard would’ve wedged deeper and deeper, doing more damage until you faced even more dire circumstances.

But now you’ve cleaned and debrided the wound, and the next step is to let it close. Taking a break from dating is a big part of that. Like the aforementioned athlete, trying to leap back into the race will just make things worse. Time off for recovery is precisely what the (fake) doctor ordered.

Now let’s get back to that outlook issue, shall we? You have medically induced erectile dysfunction on a mechanical level. That’s rough… but it’s not necessarily a disqualifier. It just makes you unique, and recognizing that uniqueness is going to be important. Because your uniqueness is going to serve as a super power: it’s going to filter out the people who aren’t right for you. If someone isn’t willing to take you as you are with all the quirks and oddities that make you you, then they’re out of your dating pool. Yes, this feels bad and makes you feel unwanted or unloveable. But consider this: someone who can’t take you as you are? They’re someone who is doing you a favor. You don’t want something casual, and they’re not someone who could hang for something serious or even semi-serious. So f--k ’em – or, don’t f--k ’em, as it were. They saved you time and heartache and you didn’t have to invest in them to find this out about them. That’s inherently a good thing.

The people who frowned on your reasons for entering the poly community? They’re a perfect example of folks who aren’t right for you. While I’m a proponent of polyamory or ethical non-monogamy (when its right for people), I tend to side-eye a lot of the organized communities I’ve seen, who just want to trade one series of restrictive and contradictory rules for another. But again: the folks who’re going to judge you for not having what they would consider to be “good enough” reasons to be poly are also people who aren’t good enough for you.

Now here’s the thing about having a mechanical issue when it comes to erections: that doesn’t mean you’re doomed to live a sexless existence. It just means that you’re going to get creative, and you’re going to want a partner who’s equally creative. As I’m often saying: your junk may not be able to get hard, but your fingers, hands and mouth don’t go limp. Neither, for that matter, do toys. Vibrators, clitoral vacuums, dildos… these will work on demand, without even so much as an inconvenient refractory period. You can even get toys that strap to your thigh or your pubic bone so that you can have the same thrusting action for PiV sex if that’s what you and your partner want. And erectile dysfunction doesn’t mean you have to go without orgasms either. There’re toys designed specifically for folks who can’t get erections – prostate massagers, vibrating sheaths specifically for folks with penises and more. It just means that one of your must-haves for any future partner – short or long term – is going to be on the creative and adventurous side of the sheets.

And, bonus! That sort of adventurous nature tends to be very good for the long-term satisfaction of your relationships.

But before that can happen, you have to come to terms with the fact that you’re defining yourself by your despair and your belief that your circumstances make you unlovable. Part of the issue here is that you’re only letting yourself see parts of the picture, not the whole. You’re not just your genitals, nor are you just a kind and funny guy; you are far more than the sum of your parts. Those components may be common… but the way they combine with the rest of you is part of what makes you, specifically, special and desirable.

That’s the part I think you’re missing. Your wife didn’t marry you for one thing, nor did your ex date you for some other thing. They were with you because you’re you. Anyone you date will be dating the holistic man. They will love and be into the entire person, the uniqueness that makes you you and not some other 50-something guy. The more you can remember that, the more you can lean into your uniqueness and specialness, instead of treating it like a net negative. Yes, there will be more folks who aren’t into you than are, but that’s a good thing. You don’t want to be everyone’s cup of tea, you want to be a few people’s shot of whiskey. A lot of folks who kind of like you is worth far less, even by volume, than a few folks who crave you, specifically.

So for now, take dating off the table and focus on healing and recovery. This will take time. It may take talking to a counselor or therapist for a bit. I would suggest that this is a good time to explore some of your options for sexual fulfillment – from toys, to working with a sexual surrogate to help with mechanical issues, to possibly even visiting some legal sex workers in Nevada. Feeling like you’ve got a handle and understanding of how sex works best for you and making it more normal for you will go a very long way towards making it easier to discuss with potential partners.

And hey, when you’re ready to get back into dating, then you may discover that the fact that you’re frequently attracted to demisexual people might well be the advantage you didn’t realize you had. After all, demisexual people don’t feel strong (or any) sexual attraction until they’ve built trust and an emotional connection with their partner. Taking this approach can take the pressure to perform away, especially right away. It gives you more of a chance to ensure that they’re actually someone who’s right for you and that the two of you are compatible, instead of causing you feel like you need to prove something from the jump.

Oh, and one more thing: you’ve had two great loves in your life, which is admirable. But what this means isn’t that you got your two and now you’re SOL. It means you have a great capacity for love, and at many stages of your life. Your age doesn’t mean you’re out of chances, it’s just a measure of time spent on this rock. People can and do find love – world-altering, life-changing, pillars-of-heaven-shaking love – at any age. Having had two at this point is just a number, a measure of experiences in this particular space and time. And if anything, it should serve as a reminder that after 20 years of marriage, you found love again. And if you did it twice? That strongly suggests that a third, or even fourth time are possible.

But again, this is for the future. Right now, you need to rest, heal and rehab your heart. Everything seems dark yeah, but you’re not facing the blackest night. The light is still out there. There’s still hope. I promise.

All will be well.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com