Ask Dr. Nerdlove

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I am a 68 year old man, dating a 59 year old woman. After dating my girlfriend for almost a year and a half she told me that she had 5 or 6 threesomes in her past. This occurred when her husband was ill and gave her permission to seek satisfaction outside of the marriage. She got on Plenty of Fish and hooked up with a FWB that after a while proceeded to set up MMF threesomes. They both enjoyed the one-on-one sex and the threesomes for about 6 months or almost a year. His illness got worse and she walked away from that lifestyle.��She says it was just sex with FWBs, very detached. They hardly ever kissed, rarely spent time outside the hotel room etc.

Her husband eventually passed and she didn’t see anyone for 8 years before dating me. I really value this relationship and need to process this information that she’s shared with me.��I seem to be experiencing retroactive jealousy over something I had absolutely no control or involvement in. Need help dealing with my jealousy so I can continue to grow this relationship.��Thanks�The Past Is A Foreign Country

DEAR THE PAST IS A FOREIGN COUNTRY: What you’re experiencing is called “retroactive jealousy”, TPFC. Usually when we experience jealousy in a relationship – something that happens to everybody – it’s because of something happening either in the present or in our shared past with our partners.

Retroactive jealousy, on the other hand, involves feeling jealousy over experiences that your partner had long before you two ever met, never mind started dating. And while it’s tempting to write retroactive jealousy off as insecurity and tell people “look, build yourself a bridge and get over it”, it’s worth digging into.

More often than not, feelings of jealousy are the “check engine” light of relationships; they’re a signal that something is off, somewhere. But, like the check engine light, that doesn’t mean that the “something” is serious or threatening. Just like the check engine light could mean that your engine is about to drop out of the car if you drive over 55 MPH or you didn’t tighten the gas cap until it clicked, sometimes those feelings of jealousy may mean that there’s actual danger to the relationship… or it may mean that you’re feeling an unmet need somewhere.

This is especially true when it comes to retroactive jealousy; after all, it seems a bit silly to feel upset about things that were done long before you two were an item. How rational is it to be upset about somebody’s actions before you two were in a relationship? But as the saying goes: your feelings are valid.

That is: the way that you feel is valid. You are definitely feeling the thing you’re feeling and people can’t tell you not to feel them. That doesn’t mean that the reason for those feelings are sensible, logical or even real.

So, much like when dealing with contemporary jealousy, it’s worth digging down and figuring out just why you’re feeling the way you feel. What, precisely, about your girlfriend’s sexual past is bothering you so much and why?

Folks who, for example, feel threatened by a partner’s past relationships are often dealing with issues in their own lives, often in their own pasts. If they had a partner who cheated on them with or left them for an ex, then seeing pictures of their current partner with someone from their past might bring up the worry that they might get hurt again.

Getting hung up on a partner’s sexual history is another common source of retroactive jealousy and also tends to involve issues from that person’s own past. Sometimes being aware of their partner’s sexual adventures in previous relationships can affect the idealized image of who their partner is. Other times, it could mean that they feel inadequate; their partner had all these crazy adventures with people before now, so why not with them? Or it could bring up feelings of not being able to measure up, not being able to perform to the same standard or simply feeling as though being more sexually experienced gives them an edge in the relationship… somehow.

Does that make sense? Of course not. But that’s jealousy and insecurity for you; if it made sense, I’d be out of a job.

So, right now, you’re feeling jealous and weird because your partner – with her husband’s permission – had some wild times, including threesomes with two men before she started dating you. The place to start digging would be exactly where those negative feelings start in that sentence. Which part of this is the trigger? The fact that she was married at the time? The fact that her husband was chronically ill at the time? Could it be that he gave her permission to go seek sex outside their marriage because he was ill? Was it the fact that she had an open relationship? Or is it the exact acts that bother you? Would you feel as jealous if she had been with a hetero couple instead?

To be clear: I’m asking you these without judgement. There’s no right or wrong answer here, no choice in this that is more acceptable or less bad. It’s not about “well, if this is what’s bothering you, that just means you’re a bad person”, it’s about figuring out what’s making that check engine light come on so it can be addressed.

It’s also possible that you may not know, precisely, what the issue is. It could be that the whole thing is tangled up in your head and you may knee-jerk to an answer just to have one. Landing on “she had threesomes with two men” would be an easy one to default to, especially if you grew up with the idea that women are less sexual than men and that women aren’t supposed to be sexually adventurous or that sleeping with two men, instead of a man and a woman or two women, is somehow dirtier or more degrading.

But the fact that culturally this is the easier answer doesn’t mean that’s what’s actually bothering you.It could well be, for example, that you worry that this means that if something happened to you – you were stricken with Long COVID or became bedridden or disabled – that she’d leave you to be with someone else. Or you might worry that the fact that they opened their marriage means that she can’t or won’t be satisfied with a monogamous commitment. Or you might feel left out; she had these great adventures in the past, but seemingly has no interest to have them with you.

This is why it’s important to dig deep and not just immediately assume that the first thing that comes to mind is the correct one. There’s a saying that I like: your first reaction is what you were taught; your second reaction is how you actually feel. Separating your actual feelings from what you were told to feel is incredibly important.

Take some time and put some serious introspection into this. Once you feel like you have a pretty good grasp on what’s actually bothering you about this, then it’s time to start processing and handling things.

Now, depending on what, precisely is triggering these feelings for you, there are a few things to do. If, for example, you’re feeling retroactive jealousy because of past traumas in your own relationships, the most obvious answer is to talk to a counselor or therapist to help heal those particular wounds. On the other hand, if the issue is that you feel insecure in your relationship – you worry that this means she will cheat on you or that you won’t be “enough” for her – then you should talk a little with your partner about those feelings. Letting her know that you worry about this and you’d appreciate a little reassurance or for her to love you a bit louder when those worries crop up can help ease the fear that her past is an inevitable future for you.

You should also make a point of doing some things that make you feel good about yourself. Much of insecurity, especially when you find yourself feeling jealous of past exes or past experiences, comes from how you see yourself. Doing the things that make you feel good about who you are, whether it’s dressing better, accomplishing some goal or just finding things that make you feel like a sexy badass, help ease the feeling of not being “good enough”.

In those cases, yes, some reassurance from your partner can help… but only if you believe her. And it’s a lot harder to believe that she means it when she says you’re enough or all she wants when you don’t feel that way about yourself. So, like the hot dog vendor said to the monk with a fifty dollar bill: true change must come from within.

The other thing I would suggest is to sit down with your partner and talk about those experiences. Not so much in the nitty-gritty ‘Dear Penthouse’ way, but about what those experiences meant to her, how she feels about them now, and so on. You want to be non-judgmental and accepting in these conversations; after all, you want her to be honest with you, not just telling you reassuring things that you want to hear. Knowing how she actually feels – if, for example, she would ever want to have those experiences again, or it was a “glad I did it, but that’s done now” – can help you get more of a handle on your own feelings. Knowing how she feels about it all helps chase away the whispers from your jerk-brain that say “she’s just waiting for a chance to cheat on you” or “she’d never be that adventurous with you.”

The thing to keep in mind, though, is that this is a you problem, not a her problem, and it’s not on her to solve it for you. Her past may be the trigger for these feelings, but they’re your feelings, and that means you have to be the one to resolve them. She can help by giving you the extra love and support you need on occasion if those feelings flare up, but you’re the one who has to manage them, process them and ultimately resolve them.

Now, the good news is that if you treat this as an opportunity for growth, you have the chance to turn this discomfort into a moment to improve and strengthen your relationship. Open, honest and non-judgmental communication are all vital parts of a successful relationship, as are being able to express your needs, worries and fears. But so too are acceptance and understanding – both of your partner and her past, and of yourself. Keep that in mind, and you’ll find that you and your partner will have a relationship that doesn’t just succeed but flourishes.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’m looking to find a woman to enjoy my tickling fetish with. Are there any sites that you can recommend to help to find such a lady with a tickling fetish?

Kackling Kinkster

DEAR KACKLING KINKSTER: This one’s easy KK. The site you’re looking for is OKCupid.

“Hang on,” I hear you cry, “OKCupid? The dating app? Not something for fetishists, like Fetlife?”

Yes, I mean OKCupid. First, if you’re online enough to find me to ask questions about your kink, then I have to assume that you’re already aware that Fetlife exists; that’s going to be one of the first sites to come up if you’re searching for places to meet kinky people.

However, part of finding someone who either shares your kink already or is kink-curious means putting yourself out there as a kinkster, looking for same. And while sites like FetLife are going to be the obvious, already-opted-in locale for fellow fetishists, there’re more kinky and potentially kinky people in the world than are on the dedicated sites. There will always be people who are at least open to experimenting with fetishes or kinks, but aren’t part of the kink community, per se. Many may not even realize that this is a thing that they’re into, but would be interested in giving it a try.

So my recommendation would be to pick one or two standard dating apps and creating profiles on there that lead with what you’re looking for: someone who’s interested in tickling fetishes, whether giving or receiving.

Yes, I know there’s a feeling that you “need” to wall off your kinks to a specific area, as though they were somehow taboo or unhealthy. I also know that there’s an understandable desire to avoid turning off potential matches, so as to have the widest pool of potentials possible. But – leaving aside that tickling is pretty damn tame as far as kins go – turning people away from the jump is a good thing, especially here. You’re looking for specific people, people who are going to be compatible with you. Telling people right from the jump that you’re looking for this specific thing is going to wave off anyone who’s not open to it. This is good; it means that they’re not wasting your time, time that could be better spent talking with potential tickle partners. If people see “I’m looking for someone who’s interested in tickling kink” and get turned off, then they’re clearly not right for you.

It also means that the people who do respond are good matches. It may be a smaller number than if you were casting your net far and wide, but the corollary is that those people are going to be much more motivated to meet up. As I’m often saying: you don’t want to be everyone’s cup of tea, you want to be a few people’s shot of whiskey. Or in the case of a kinkster, their glass of absinthe.

However, don’t neglect FetLife. In fact, I’d recommend not just having a profile on there, but that you use it to find the munches in your area and connecting with the friendly fetishists in your community. Going to the munches, getting to know the people in the local kink scene will help you find kinksters who may want to expand their horizons and try your kink too. Just remember: munches are networking events, places for people to get together and socialize. They’re not play parties, nor are they singles events. You’re not going to them to try to hook up, you’re going to meet people, build connections and learn more about the community. There will be dedicated parties, dungeons, etc. where you can actively pursue or engage in your kink.

And regardless of where you meet any potential kink partners, make sure to follow the best practices: spend time getting to know each other instead of trying to jump right to the tickling, meet in a public space first, plan out the scene in advance and make sure everyone feels safe, secure and comfortable before you get started.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’m (33F) writing in regard to my relationship with my husband (36M). We’ve been married for almost six years after dating for three. We’ve always had a solid relationship built on friendship and trust. We have shared interests that make our time together robust. We frequently travel, go for hikes, enjoy theater and film along with healthy intellectual debate, and have a solid, expansive social network. We make a point of scheduling time away from each other to maintain our senses of individuality. We’ve had friends call us #relationshipgoals and, truly, I feel so fortunate to have found a wonderful, kind, caring, intelligent, sociable, likable partner.

But lately, things have been difficult. In terms of family, his mom was recently diagnosed with cancer. Meanwhile, my mom has discovered the far-right and is becoming increasingly difficult to spend time with. Neither live nearby, but my mom has co-dependency issues and refuses to give us much space, resulting in us spending way too much time with her and not enough with his family. We’ve tried to draw boundaries and limit our time with her but, so far, these efforts haven’t been effective.

Right before the pandemic, we purchased a large house in a nice neighborhood for a steal because it needs a lot of work. A LOT of work. This moved along swiftly during the pandemic, but since then, my husband has moved between jobs every few months. He isn’t lazy and is an excellent worker, but he hit his late 30s and realized that he still doesn’t know what he wants to be when he grows up. He’s started his own business recently and it’s going well, but the house is causing a financial strain and increasing our burden of work, all while the money we originally budgeted to pay for the renovation has dried up. I try not to be resentful of my role as the financial support of the household, but it’s difficult to watch him have the freedom to make changes while I have to stay in my corporate office job to pay for it. I’d love to spend time exploring other career paths or creative outlets, but if I quit my job, we literally wouldn’t be able to afford, well, anything. Even taking a pay cut at this point is unrealistic.

This is all compounded by the weather. We live in an area notorious for snowfall, but climate change is really making the reputation nefarious. I have severe seasonal affective disorder. I do it all – CBT, lightbox therapy, meditation, supplements, but regardless, every year, post-holiday, I fall into a deep depression that lasts until the weather turns sunny again. The changing light cycles disrupt my circadian rhythm, so I’m hardly able to sleep, despite being exhausted all the time. I am not a fun person to be around this time of year, no matter how hard I try to be better.

We talk about our overall lack of happiness all the time, but it’s always in circles. There is no clear path forward or back into the time when we were happy. Neither of us is adept at visualizing the future. I’m leaning toward having kids but all of the issues above are giving him pause. My clockwork depression is making me a miserable partner and I understand why he can’t imagine adding a squalling infant to the household right now. He continues to bring up the idea of moving to a warmer area, which I’m open to, but leaving our support network and community is terrifying, especially if we plan on starting a family once we get there.

All the stress is weighing on our marriage, sexually, emotionally, and mentally. We’ve always had an easy relationship, but moving into the next phase of life is really testing our marriage in ways I hadn’t anticipated. I just don’t know how to find a way back into the sun.

Any feedback is appreciated.�Snowbound Wife

DEAR SNOWBOUND WIFE: Ever have one of those days that where nothing would go right if you held a gun to its head, and some part of you says “could be worse, could be raining”, only to for the skies darken and the pillars of Heaven shake as soon as the last syllable escapes your lips?

It sounds like that’s been the last several years for you and your husband, SW. If it were just one thing here – parental issues, financial stresses, chronic SAD – then it would be ok. Frustrating, but ok. But when each one just gets stacked on top of the other, you suddenly have a deep and intimate understanding of the metaphor involving camels, straw and weight limits.

The most frustrating thing about, well, any of this is how there’s simply not a break from it. You turn around from one life stressor just to be smacked in the face by another, like pies being hurled by a passive-aggressive clown.

Small wonder that you and your husband are at wits end and worried about… well, everything. These are the sort of constant not-so-petty complaints that just stack up until you worry that your marriage is going to break under the strain of it all.

The good news is: this is all temporary, even if it doesn’t feel like it right now. A mantra to keep running in the back of your minds is “This too, shall pass.” One of the things to keep yourselves afloat through all of this is to remind yourselves that this isn’t permanent, that you two won’t feel like this forever, and if you can hang on, you’ll make it through.

So what do you do to help ensure that your marriage actually makes it through to the other side intact?

Well, there’re a couple of things – some practical, some more emotional.

First and foremost is going to be about the story you and your husband tell yourselves about your marriage and this time of crisis. I realize this sounds like some “just put positive energy out there” embrace-The-Secret woo, but there’s actually a point to it. The way we think about our relationships and the story we tell about them affects how we feel. When we look at the turbulent times in our relationship and think “we’re barely keeping it together, if we get through this, it’ll be a miracle…”, we are subconsciously emphasizing the idea that the relationship itself is being irreparably damaged by the stress. This ends up being a sort of self-fulfilling prophecy; you’re priming your brain to latch on to things as signs of irreparable harm, wounds that never fully heal when the crisis has passed.

Instead, you and your husband want to remind yourselves that you’re in this together as a team, and you’ll get through it because you’re a team. You’re functionally telling yourself to look not for signs of damage, but for ways that the two of you to come together and figure things out together, instead of addressing each issue as individuals… especially when it feels like that aspect of the crisis is more about one person than the other. And when you emphasize the “we’re a team and that’s how we’re going to get through this”, you are priming yourself to look to this as something that will ultimately strengthen your bond, rather than damaging it.

Now this doesn’t mean that positive thinking will get you through this on its own. Nah, that part’s going to take work – a lot of it – compromise, and collaboration. But the “this is temporary, it’s going to be rough but we’re gonna do it” mindset is part of how you motivate yourselves to white knuckle your way through and hold on while you do the hard work.

Which brings us to the next part: figuring out what the precise stresses are and how you can mitigate them wherever possible. Some of it is fairly obvious, like dealing with your mother’s dalliances with the fascist right and her demands on your time and energy.

I wish you’d said a bit more about how she’s refusing to respect your boundaries, so I don’t waste your time by throwing out ideas you’ve already tried. However, one thing I will say is that enforcing boundaries isn’t about asking nicely and hoping the other person will comply. It’s about making it clear that your boundaries are not optional and being willing to do things that may be unpleasant or uncomfortable in the name of enforcing them.

One of the reasons why some people will ignore stated boundaries is because not only are their no consequences for doing so, but because the person violating them will threaten consequences of their own for having those boundaries in the first place. This is especially common with parents or people who see themselves as having some form of authority over us – real or not. They rely on the inherent discomfort of saying “no” and the possibility of their opprobrium to push past our “no”. But unless your mother has some legitimate hold over you – you’re financially dependent on her in some form, for example – the only hold she has is what you’re willing to give her. So enforcing those boundaries means refusing to give into the threat of her disapproval and making it clear that her presence in your life is contingent on her good behavior and avoiding your disapproval.

Drawing lines – things like we’re only available on these occasions, we’re not going to jump just because you said frog, if you’re going to act like this or say these things in our presence, one of us will be leaving – is the start. The next step is to do it, with neither warning, nor negotiation, nor explanation. If you draw the line of “If you repeat that Tucker Carlson bulls--t around us, we’re out“, then you have to be willing to grab your things and say “we’re out” as soon as she says it. If she’s demanding you show up to do things after you said you can’t or won’t, then you have to be willing to stick to that. This includes saying “we said no” and “we told you exactly what our availability was”, over and over again in the face of her persistence or goading. And I mean it when I say “no explanation”. As soon as you’re explaining or rationalizing, you’re no longer enforcing a boundary; you’ve entered the first stages of a negotiation.

No, as the saying goes, is a complete sentence. You don’t need to justify the existence of your boundaries. Justifying them frames them as something that can only exist as long as your mother agrees that they exist. Instead, it’s time for your mother to be on the receiving end of something children have heard since time immemorial: “Because I said so”. And you and your husband should be as one on this, each backing up the other.

Remember: your presence in her life is entirely contingent on her good behavior. If she doesn’t want to abide by a “our house, our lives, our rules” policy, that’s her choice… but it means that she won’t be a part of your lives until she does.

Another thing that seems to be stressing you both out is the unknown. Right now, there’s a lot of ambiguity about your future – your husband’s career path, the possibility of moving to some place that’s less likely to trigger your SAD, etc. As a general rule, people don’t like ambiguity and the uncertain; it stresses us out because we ultimately feel powerless. Addressing this ambiguity and getting some clarity is going to be a big part of how to lessen the toll it takes on you. This doesn’t mean that you’re going to find certainty or guaranteed answers, but tackling those ambiguous areas together will help you both gain a sense of control.

Your husband’s career and the financial strain it’s causing is a good place to start. Part of the problem is that this seems to be a big gray area, a map of the future that is mostly blank except for “here be dragons”. That empty space is a stressor in and of itself, because you have no idea how long you’ll have to hold on for until things lessen up. Just the idea of “you’ll just have to stick this out and hope your endurance holds out” is enough to drain the willpower from many, if not most people.

This is why I one thing that I think will help would be for the two of you to sit down and map things out as best as you can. Taking a long, hard look at his business and trying to calculate a timeline of when and how it’ll come to enough profitability that he’ll be able to shoulder his share of the financial burden will help. The idea that there’s a distinct end point, where things will get better makes it much easier to hang on. You have something to look to, a metric to measure progress by and milestones that tell you how much closer you are to the end. If you know that things will get better in a year, two years, whatever, then you know how to better manage your energy, instead of feeling like you have to throw everything you have at it and hope for the best. And seeing that day of release coming closer and closer can renew your strength and give you that last little bit that you need to hang in there.

It will also give the two of you more of a sense of control in your own lives, especially at a time when everything feels like its spiraling out of control.

Another thing that I think would be helpful would be for you two to collect information for potential future plans. You mention, for example, that you’d love a career change yourself, but the damage it could do to your financial situation is prohibitive. This is entirely understandable… but I wonder (since you don’t mention it) if this worry is keeping you from even looking. Doing some research, seeing what may be available to you, now or in the near future, costs very little. At worst, all that happens is that you confirm that this is a goal that may need to be put on hold for a little while – making it to the point of that more equitable share with your husband. At best, you may find that there’re opportunities out there that you didn’t know about, ones that won’t devastate you.

The same goes for the possibility of moving. Yeah, leaving your support network is incredibly intimidating, and it’s entirely understandable why that would be a disincentive. But doing some research – looking into cost of living differences, potential job opportunities, even the possibility of finding a new support network in the area – can help you feel like you at least know what your options are. Knowing what the actual pros and cons are, versus the potential ones, helps eliminate that uncomfortable ambiguity. As weird as it sounds, knowing for sure that moving to X city or Y state would not work at all is a relief. It means that at least now you can deal with the disappointment, instead of being hung up in this quantum state of “possible/not possible” and feeling the worst of both. You and your husband can even prioritize your searches by the possibility of a pre-existing support network – friends of friends, more distant family members, etc. – or the likelihood of being able to build a new one.

The benefit to some of this is that you take advantage of the part of your brain that treats the imagined future as having already happened. The act of doing the research often feels like you’re doing the work already. In most cases, this ends up being a form of procrastination. In your case, however, you’re deliberately invoking that aspect of human psychology; you’re giving yourself a feeling of progress specifically to make it possible for you to hang in through the roughest parts. You get a sense of relief that a decision has been made, that the results are already here… a feeling that can help restore your sense of hope and shore up your emotional endurance.

And, of course, this means that you may well find that there are options that you weren’t aware of that could make life that much better for the two of you.

The final thing I would suggest is that you and your husband both ensure that you treat each other like you’re in this together. This is a two-prong approach, and both aspects will be important.

The first is that you two regularly sit down and make sure that you’re both shouldering a roughly equal amount of the burden for one another. This doesn’t mean that all tasks and responsibilities need to be split perfectly evenly, but it does mean that what you take on and what he takes on balances out more or less.

For example, right now, you’re the primary provider to the household income. That’s a pretty significant burden. Finding ways for your husband to take up burdens in other areas so that you aren’t overloaded will be important. That may mean that be takes on the lion’s share of the household maintenance – especially for any renovation or work that can be done without a contractor, for example – or he handles things that you’re too stressed or busy to manage on top of your full-time job. The specifics aren’t as important as the feeling that you’re both pitching in roughly equally, and neither feels like they’re being cheated.

The other prong is for both of you to find ways to support and reaffirm your connection with each other. There’re lots of ways this can be done. Doing things for one another to help the other de-stress is a great start. Your husband can take a day to pamper you and give you a chance to rest, for example. You may find little things for him, just because you know he’d like them. And of course, the two of you should take time when you can to treat yourselves as a couple, not just two individuals. Part of making a relationship last through the hard times is to remember that you’re not just two people, you’re a gestalt entity that is your relationship together – a sort of fleshy, emotional Voltron. Doing things for the relationship, even if it’s just a romantic date night every few weeks, helps reinforce that s--t may be hard, but you have each other and that’s important.

Some of this may be made easier if you have some outside help. Couple’s counseling isn’t just about fixing things that may be broken; sometimes it’s about helping facilitate things and finding solutions before they become problems. If you have the time and financial wherewithal, I’d recommend it.

To be sure: this is easy to say from the comfort of my computer, less easy to do from the messy reality that is your lives. But even if you approach this in small steps, rather than big sweeping gestures, those little moments of connection, reassurance, rest and balance go a very long way towards easing the stress on your relationship.

Just remember though: you’re both a team, and you’ll get through this together. S--t’s rough, but it can’t rain all the time. This too, shall pass.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com