DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: So I met this guy on Bumble. We go for dinner, we hit it off, he’s super attractive, he’s a tall, rich, charming guy and seemed very sweet. He travels a lot for work, and because he didn’t want to wait a whole month to see me again, he invites me to come with him to Miami, Sao Paulo and Seoul. I told him there’s no freakin way I’m going traveling with a stranger and that I need to take it slow, get to know him better before he sweeps me off to an adventure around the world. He said okay, and the next day he comes by to drop a small present and asks again to come with him. I said no but he made me feel special, it was nice to get all of this attention. He left for his travels, and we kept talking.

Every day that we talk, he keeps insisting that I join him and saying how he wishes I was there with him. I keep telling him no over and over. Until one day he pushes one more time and I snap, I tell him that if he brings it up again, I will stop talking to him. He told me I’m overreacting, and that I’m probably very protective and closed because of my past relationships, but that he’s not like that.

I told him that he’s not respecting my boundaries and just keeps pushing them and that doesn’t make me feel heard or safe. His response is that he was only being this intense because he hasn’t felt like this about a girl for years and that he can’t wait to see me again. I said I understand, but he doesn’t seem to care about how I feel or about my safety, and he again just keeps saying that “he’s not like other guys” and “he’s not even inviting me for sex or whatever”. Then he says I’m being too sensitive and explosive and that his intentions were good, and that I’m just lashing out on him because of my past experiences. 

I told him I wanted to be with somebody who listens to me, who takes responsibility and doesn’t try to turn the conflict around on me and make me be the crazy one for setting boundaries. He kept saying that this was only because of my trauma and it was not applicable to him and that I’m ruining something that could’ve been great. 

I got mad that he seem to think that none of this applies to him so I said “You wanting to take things too fast is a red flag. You pushing and insisting and not caring about what I need is a red flag. Turning the conflict around on me is a red flag” and he responded by saying this was just “my point of view” and explaining point by point why I was wrong and that he only tried to “turn it around on me” once. 

He said it was too bad that I wouldn’t give him a chance when he likes me so much and can’t stop thinking about me, but this whole conflict was like PTSD from when I was married to a narcissist. 

So my question is, am I overreacting because of past trauma or is my Spidey-sense spot on?

-PTSD

DEAR PTSD: Oh hey, this is an easy one. You made the right call here because HOLY HOPPING SHEEP S--T YES THOSE ARE RED FLAGS, PTSD, WHAT THE F--K, ACTUAL? Those aren’t just red flags, that’s more red flags than a military parade in Beijing. Those are more red flags than the Running of the Bulls in Pamplona. That’s… ok, I think you get my point.

But I’m going to break this down a bit, both for you and other people who may be reading this because here’s the thing: the red flag that folks really need to pay attention may not necessarily the one they think.

First and foremost, I’m gonna be honest: when I see someone talking about having met a dude on a dating app who’s waving their jet-setting lifestyle like a cape in front of a bull, complete with business trips to all these various exotic locales, my first instinct is to ask if they’ve ever seen The Tinder Swindler.

In cae you haven’t seen it, PTSD, I’d suggest giving it a watch. Shimon Hayut would present himself on Tinder as Simon Leviev, son of Israeli diamond magnate Lev Leviev, and would whisk his matches off on private jets to glamorous trips around the world. Over time, however, he’d start to hit them up for their assistance in various financial schemes, ultimately soaking them for thousands to tens of thousands of dollars. The money served to finance his jet-setting lifestyle and allowed him to sucker in his next mark, each of whom thought she was having a fairy tale romance, only to realize that her prince was really Rumpelstiltskin instead.

Do I think your beau’s trying to con you out of money? That I can’t say. But there’s a lot going on here that is rightfully setting off your Spidey-sense. First and foremost is…

Ok, look I’m going to preface this by saying that this is going to sound insulting and I don’t mean it to be. But I would have to ask: why you? I have no doubt that you’re really f--king amazing and deserve a hot dude who wants nothing more than to dote on you and spoil you rotten. But one does have to wonder why someone that tall, handsome and rich is not just on Bumble, but having so hard at time at meeting potential partners that he falls head over heels for someone on the first date? Someone he literally only just met?

Yeah, your Spidey-sense should be going off like the Green Goblin’s about to chuck a pumpkin bomb through your window.

In and of itself, that reaction to a first date is pretty sus. It’s not out of the realm of possibility, but my cynical ass is always going to look at a scenario from a f--king Hallmark Christmas movie and wonder just what the catch is. If it wasn’t for the ‘stupidly rich’ part, one could possibly write it off as just… really enthusiastic and maybe twitterpated to the point that his judgment was a bit off. Maybe he’s just a all-gas-no-brakes kinda guy, emotionally. That’s not a red red flag, but it’s certainly a “proceed with caution” sign.

But that wasn’t the only thing, and he is claiming to be this rich jet-setting businessman. Which leads us to the next issue.

Part of what he’s doing is trying to overwhelm you and your judgement by painting this picture of glamour and excitement and access to a life you likely could only imagine and inviting you to be a part of it. Which is a red flag.

I’m sure you’ve heard the term “love-bombing” – it’s something that folks started throwing around on social media, usually inaccurately. Love-bombing is a technique when someone tries to manipulate you into a relationship through actions that are beyond what would be appropriate for that stage of your relationship. This often involves things like early and intense conversations about the future with you, expressing deep and passionate feelings well above what would be reasonable for how long they’ve known you and showering you with over-the-top gifts… especially gifts that you didn’t ask for, don’t want or don’t need.

While some people are just very enthusiastic and love-bombing isn’t always intentional, it is inherently manipulative. Sometimes it can come from a place of low-confidence and low self-esteem – especially if the person doing the bombing has an anxious attachment style – but it’s also a frequently deliberate tactic by people who want to lock down a commitment from somebody before they have a chance to think things through.

Now, like I said: if your erstwhile suitor was just being overly excited because you’re just that awesome… well, that doesn’t make it better, per se, but it definitely would indicate a general lack of emotional intelligence and confidence. Inviting someone he literally just met to travel around the world with him signals that he likely lacks good judgement under the best of circumstances.

The fact that he seems to think this is perfectly acceptable would be a signal that even if this cat actually has the money he claims, and he intends to spend it on you, it’d still be better to pass and let someone else be the beneficiary of his largesse.

But that’s not what happened here, and that’s why I don’t think this is the red flag you need to be paying the most attention to. The red flag I think should be the absolute dealbreaker is how he reacts when you say “no”.

The first time you said no should have been the end of the discussion. It wasn’t. Instead he bought you a small present and went on his trip… and kept asking you to travel with him. And he keeps talking about it, even when you say no. And then he gets aggressive when you assert your boundaries by saying “not just no, but if you keep bringing it up, it’ll be ‘never talk to me again’”.

That, I’m afraid, is a great f--king big red flag. That is a red flag so large that Godzilla would think it was a bit much.

First, he knows he f--ked up, and that present was basically a bribe to keep your attention and keep you talking to him. He’d rather you think that he’s a sweet and excitable puppy; he’s making a mess, but his intentions are good. Except he’s also ignoring your clearly stated boundary, he’s telling you that you’re wrong for having that boundary with him in the first place, and then negging you for good measure. This bit. This bit right f--king here:

“He told me I’m overreacting, and that I’m probably very protective and closed because of my past relationships, but that he’s not like that.”

That’s a neg. He’s trying to make you feel uncool, make you justify having this boundary in the first place and why you shouldn’t be expressing or enforcing it to him. He wants you to respond by trying to seek his approval, and making you explain the boundary’s existence is so he can tell you why you shouldn’t have it with him. And then you accede to his higher status and superior wisdom and fly off to another country with him. That’s the sort of s--t that should end the conversation for good.

But hey, why wave one red flag when you can wave many at the same goddamn time? Because this s--t should be making people hop the first available Nope Train to F--k-This-S--tville:

“he responded by saying this was just “my point of view” and explaining point by point why I was wrong and that he only tried to “turn it around on me” once.”

OK so “please stop trying to change my mind when I said no, stop ignoring my requests to drop the subject and also I have very good reasons why I don’t like this” is just “your point of view” and you’re “wrong” about how you feel and why. Yeah, fuuuuuuuuck off with that s--t. And “I only tried to turn it around on you once” is not the example of being a gentleman that he seems to think.

I realize comparing this to actual physical violence can sound over the top, but this is rather like saying “Look I didn’t hit you that hard…”

Do I know for sure that this was a swindler, a narcissist or potential abuser looking for another victim? No. But everything you describe about his behavior would be an almost perfect example of love-bombing and big ol’ warning signs saying “stay back” and “hazardous, do not touch”.

Yes, you were absolutely right to trust your instincts on this. That’s not you being over-sensitive because of past trauma, that’s your Spidey-sense telling you that s--t was not right. And if this guy really was some playboy millionaire with more money than impulse control… well, it’s a shame to miss out, but the way he was acting was a good sign that you should block him anyway.

And if he was being sincere about how he couldn’t stop thinking about you and likes you SOOOO MUCH after ­– and I can’t stress this enough – ONE DATE? That doesn’t make it better.

You trusted yourself and protected yourself, PTSD, and that’s a good thing

Hopefully, your next date will actually live up to the potential that this one promised. Without the manipulative bulls--t and high-pressure tactics.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I completely devoured your blog while reentering the dating pool after a divorce/long break. Approaching dating from the perspective of abundance has been huge in keeping my focus on what I want. I have met someone who is amazing for me; I’ve got enough experience to know that this love is real and good and I believe he feels the same. Yay! ��We are both older than most of your fans. We both have kids, and while his kids have a second parent who is totally involved, mine are 100% mine (not just custody, I am really all there is). We are still in early days in the sense that we are definitely a couple and have been clear about our feelings, but we haven’t talked about the long-term. It is pretty clear to me that whatever involvement I have with his kids is as a bonus/ be supportive and love them and respect that they have two competent, caring parents already. But on my end, anything beyond exactly where we are now, spending as much time together as we can, but not involving the kids much, means really involving him with my fatherless children. I am not looking to jump the gun, but the reality is being in a relationship with me ultimately means having a role in their lives. ��I assume this is fairly obvious to a man dating a completely solo parent – that I am a package deal. But, when do you even talk about that? Yes, we defined the relationship, that’s pretty straightforward. How do you ask, “do you just want to love me or are you open to loving them even though it means you are part of the relentless task of parenting without a break?” He is a wonderful human being, who is responsible and conscientious and cares deeply about the people in his life, and he has made it very clear to me how much he loves me. But it’s not like when we started dating he claimed any interest in playing “bonus parent” on hard mode. We were both fairly new to being back on the market. I do not think he had a mental plan for what his forever was going to look like when we started dating, so it’s hard to imagine taking on the life I live was on the radar. ��I don’t want to bring up what feels to me like the elephant(s) in the room super early and seem like I’m asking him to do something huge after only a few months. I don’t need anyone to make my life work, it already does. But also if he’s not open to eventually being a real part of their lives, I feel like I need to know that as soon as I can. ��Thanks for any thoughts you may have. 

Love Me Love My Kids

DEAR LOVE ME LOVE MY KIDS: Some of my advice is going to be contingent on how old your kids are, LMLMK, but all of it is going to hinge on a very important fact: your kids are part of your life. That means that yes, you’re a package deal; being in a serious relationship with you means that your kids will be involved.

Now, if you and your new beau just want something casual – you’ll go out on dates, enjoy fun sexy times together but have no expectation of commitment or a long-term, serious connection – then that’s one thing. You’ll need to deal with logistics more than the dynamics of the role you or he will be taking with each other’s children.

But if you’re looking at having him be a serious part of your life, then yeah, you’re going to have to talk about what it means. Your kids are a part of you and your life. That part’s non-negotiable. Same as for your partner. So if you and he have any ambitions towards, say, moving in together, then you’re absolutely going to need to talk this through and what it all means.

You don’t say how long you’ve been seeing him, which does affect things. I’m firmly of the opinion that one doesn’t involve or even necessarily introduce a partner to your children until you know that this relationship is going to be serious. Even if they’re into their tweens, it can be cruel to introduce someone, allow them to bond with him and then cut him away if that relationship ends. But talking about the future and how you’re going to handle this if and when you do get to that stage? That part needs to happen now.

Here’s my thinking: you know you want something serious with this man. You know that the fact that you have kids means that a romantic partner is going to have some sort of role in your children’s lives too. You both know this conversation’s going to have to happen eventually. It’s better, in my opinion, to have the conversation now, rather than later. The longer you take to have this conversation – one you both know is inevitable – then the harder it’ll be to have at all.

Now, this doesn’t mean that he’s going to need to take a parenting role now, nor does it mean that he’s going to be more than just a name that your kids may be aware of. But you two should at least talk about this so that you have a roadmap about where this relationship is going eventually. So, this would mean talking about how you two are going to make this work down the line.

And since you both have kids, that’s an important discussion to have. You’re both going to need to talk about what a serious or long-term relationship is going to mean. If there’s a chance that this is going to be a blended, Brady Bunch situation, then you need to start laying the groundwork now. That doesn’t mean you need to start pricing out movers or talking to your respective kids about their new siblings, but it definitely means gathering resources, laying foundations and infrastructure and establishing relationships with people who can help ease the transition when it happens.

Now that having been said, I think that this first conversation should be framed as a “for now” conversation, one that’s on contingency, not a foregone conclusion. I think that you’re both also going to need to have conversations with your children about your relationship with one another. After all, this isn’t just going to affect your life, it’s going to have incredible effects on their lives too… and to my mind, they should get to have a say. Unilaterally imposing a new family on them can be difficult under the best of circumstances. Under the wrong circumstances, it can be traumatic as hell. And while I know it seems a bit much to be giving your kids a voice, if not a veto, I think their understanding and their buy-in is important too. Your children are entirely reliant on you, and I think that incurs a responsibility to consider them and their needs and make them the priority. So if the children – yours or his – aren’t ready or able to handle you having a person in your life occupying a similar role to their mother or father, then I think that needs to be taken into consideration as well.

So take time, acknowledge that this is planning for the future, not things that need to happen immediately. You’re laying the groundwork for the time – a time that may still not come – when you’re both ready to take things to the next level. If you can see it as a map and not a contract, it may be easier.

It’s a complicated situation, for sure. And it may well be that, as much as you and he care for each other, you just may not be in a place where you two can make this work. That, unfortunately, is part of the dating experience. But considering just how many people are involved here and that these conversations are going to have to happen eventually, then it’s best to have them now.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’m a 28 year old man and have had a mostly great relationship with a 29 year old woman for the past year and a half. We work very well together and things are mostly going well romantically and sexually.

I say mostly because I have one kink that she doesn’t know about, and while I’d prefer not to discuss the details of it here, it’s not unsafe and is perfectly consensual, but generally regarded as odd, and somewhat well known to be many people’s hard limit. I wasn’t entirely sure of when to tell her of this at first, but she brought up the kink in a context outside of me fairly early in our relationship (more on that below), and that made me feel like I couldn’t.

With that in mind, I understandably feel hesitant to bring this up and ask about trying it together, but the situation runs a bit deeper than that as well. I’ve jokingly brought up things adjacent to this kink as a means of getting a barometer on what her attitude towards it might be, and every time these have come up, the response has been a very strongly negative attitude towards the thing(s) described. To make matters worse, the specific kink I do have has been in the news in our area thanks to a minority of community members acting poorly when it comes to the kink and keeping it out of non-consenting eyes, and the specific issues it caused in turn were a problem for someone very close to her. As a result, it’s hard to imagine her view on this as anything other than intensely negative, potentially outright hateful and dismissive.

Now, other than this, our relationship is wonderful, and I feel incredibly fulfilled, safe, and loved. I’m just frustrated, as I fear that this could ruin a good thing, and yet, I don’t feel like I can simply ignore this part of me forever. Should I tell her? If so, how should I approach this? If not, what should I do instead?

-High Stakes

DEAR HIGH STAKES: I understand not wanting to talk about the details of your kink HS, but I wish you had. The details you give are so vague and so broadly applicable that you’ve all but guaranteed that people’s imaginations are going to fill in the gaps – often with the wildest and weirdest s--t they can think of.

I mean, is it chastity play? Are you wanting to have your junk locked in a cage for hours at a time? Are you into water-sports and hope to talk your partner into either peeing on you or being peed on? Forced Femme? Vore? Puppy play? Gorean Power Exchange? Adult babies? DD/LG play?

(Don’t Google ANY of this at work, folks…)

Notice how quickly things go from “weird but whatever” to stuff that dials the squick factor to 11 and snaps the knob off? That’s what happens when you’re talking about a polarizing topic like sex and kinks; in the absence of actual information, people will very quickly assume the most dramatic – and often most lurid, disturbing or personally repulsive – options.

Now, I say this because this is precisely why you want to actually talk about this with your partner. Otherwise, if you’re dating someone who’s mostly into original recipe sex and doesn’t have much experience with kink or the kink scene, then when they hear about kink in general or a specific kink, then they’re much more likely to leap to the wildest and weirdest. That’s not only going to taint how they see your kinks, but it also means that they’re going to be much more likely to be responding to inaccurate ideas about what your kink entails.

Just like everyone reading this who’s wondering just what weird s--t you’re hoping to get up to. Even if it’s actually not that weird in the first place.

It’s also why, if this is something that’s an important part of your sexuality and not something that you like but can take or leave, then it’s something you should bring up sooner, rather than later. And, honestly? I think you should bring it up more directly than you did.

Here’s the thing about “trial balloons” or trying to bring up the topic obliquely so you can “feel things out”: it rarely works the way you’d hope. If one’s partner isn’t already familiar with that kink – or if that kink’s more of an edge case than something like foot-worship or spanking – then the odds are they only know the Hollywood Horror Story version of that kink.

And just as importantly, because you’re being so vague or talking about other people, your partner never gets that what you’re actually saying is that this is something that’s important to you. So you end up with a situation where she’s rejecting abstract, but you are the one feeling rejected specifically. That’s a great recipe for ending up exactly where you are now: trying to think about how to talk about something your partner’s said “ewwwww” to before, and had that “ewww” seemingly validated by news stories that rarely report on the topic in an objective manner.

I understand why you floated those trial balloons the way you did. I realize this can be intimidating, even scary. After all, you’re talking about something that, in your words, is a lot of people’s “hard no”. I also understand that you’re worried about your partner’s judgement and losing what is otherwise a satisfying relationship.

Well, let me put it to you this way: are you honestly ok with being in a relationship with someone whose love for you is conditional on your repressing or excising a part of you? If this is, as you say, something you can’t ignore and leave out of your sex life forever, then at some point this is going to come up with you and your partner, and it’s something she’s voiced serious dislike for. So this means that now there’s a clock ticking down the seconds until this particular bomb in your relationship goes off.

Would you rather have risked that explosion early in your courtship, when you haven’t invested as much time and energy on someone who may not be sexually compatible with you? Or would you rather wait until a year, two years, even ten years down the line, when you have so much more invested and so much more to lose?

Look, I understand that, as potentially squicky as your kink may be, it means that your dating pool is going to be limited. But you deserve a relationship with someone who honors and respects your entire self, not just limited aspects, and who actively abhors other parts. That’s not a recipe for a happy, healthy and supportive relationship. That’s a recipe for resentment and guarantees a flaw in the relationship that’ll cause it to end in ways that neither you nor your partner would want.

The timing of this conversation is going to vary from case to case, especially as you get to know your partner. In my opinion, it’s something that should be brought up before the Defining The Relationship talk. Even if it’s a “look, I don’t need this now or every time, but it’s an important part of my sexuality and sexual expression”, if you know that the conversation’s going to come up anyway, it’s better to have it come up at a time when you’re ready for it.

Now to be fair: sometimes you don’t discover you’re into a particular kink until after you started the relationship. But it’s still better to discuss it when you realize that it’s something you need – or at least want to explore – rather than letting it hang about in the background like Banquo’s ghost until you can’t ignore it any longer.

Yeah, putting your kink cards on the table early means risking this relationship ending before it even began… but at the end of the day, that’s a good thing. If this kink is something that you’re going to actually need to be at least an occasional part of your sex life, then that’s the exact result you want. You want the folks who are repulsed by your kink – or who can’t give it the ol’ college try for your sake – to peace out, and early. This is your filter, how you ensure that the people you’re dating are down with the wild adventures you want to take with them. If they’re actively against it or don’t think that they could be at least ok with trying it at some point, then it’s better to say “thank you, we are just not a good match, best of luck to you” and move on.

But, you didn’t. So here we are. What needs to happen now is that you’re going to have to have a conversation about kinks and you’re going to have to lay out that this is something personal to you, not just abstract freakos in your partner’s imagination.

This is a time for the Awkward Conversation formula, where you start off explaining why you haven’t brought this up before. Only now, you’re going to have to say “so, all the times I asked about X, it was because I wanted to know what you thought about it before I told you it was something I was into.”

Then you’re going to need to explain what’s entailed, why it’s something that gets your engine revving and explaining the difference between what she may have seen in the news and how people like you actually perform that kink.

You’re also going to want to tell her that, obviously, you’re capable of having satisfying sex without your kink being involved, but it’s a part of who you are, and it’s something important to you, and an aspect that you would like to share with her.

Then, when it’s her turn to talk, you’re going to have to brace for an immediate negative reaction and be prepared to explain it on a Kink 101 level if she has questions.

This is also going to be a time when you’re going to have to take her immediate reaction with a certain grain of salt. We live in a sex-negative culture, and often our first reaction is how we were taught to respond to something, rather than what we actually think or feel. So that knee-jerk “no, ew!” that you may get is more about a preservation of the status-quo. It’s what she knows and what she’s comfortable with. And you’re going to need to respect that “no”.

However, if you give her the space to think about it on her own and in her own time, she may – and I stress may – change her mind and be willing to at least consider it.

Or she may not. And in that case, you have three options. First: you see if exploring your kink with someone else – whether by booking sessions with a pro-domme or making connections in your local BDSM community – is an acceptable compromise. If this isn’t a kink that involves direct sexual contact, this may be something she could agree to and enable you to have both your partner and explore your kink.

Second: you continue to suppress this desire for as long as you possibly can. As I’m sure you know, that’s not really a viable strategy. Trying to force something away doesn’t make it go away, it just puts it under greater pressure. And then that pressure builds until it breaks containment, messily and all over the place.

Third: you recognize that this relationship, for as much as you get from it, is not going to meet your needs. You can love and honor and respect someone and still need to leave, because you have needs that can’t be met. And this would ultimately be kinder both to you – who needs someone who’s at least kink-curious – and your partner, who is only into original recipe sex.

Now, it’s worth remembering that every relationship is going to be a matter of compromise on both sides. Nobody gets 100% of what they want from a partner; you look at what you do get from that relationship and that partner and decide if what you do get is so good that you’re willing to forgo the rest as part of the cost of the relationship.

It’s a difficult situation, HS, and I don’t envy you. But it’s better to actually talk this out with your partner, instead of hoping that you’ll either bankshot your way into making it happen or that you can just pretend it’s not something you need until you can’t pretend any more.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com