Ask Dr. Nerdlove

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’m a 20-year-old who has always struggled to make meaningful connections with others. I wouldn’t say that I’m socially anxious or awkward, but I find myself holding back when it comes to making friends. I often feel like I’m stuck in the phase of casual acquaintanceship and don’t know how to move past it.

I’m afraid of overstepping boundaries and mistaking being friendly and polite for something more than casual acquaintanceship. I only speak when spoken to and don’t know how to initiate conversations or invite people to hang out without feeling like I’m imposing.

The problem is that I haven’t had anyone that I can call a friend. All the people in my life were mere acquaintances, and nobody ever called me unless they wanted something from me. I’m tired of feeling lonely and want to learn how to make genuine connections with people

I see many people especially the males in subreddits like these complain about their inability to find a romantic partner, I am here worried about never finding a genuine connection, not even a platonic one. I am not particularly interested in Romance, and have no plans on getting married and starting a family. Sure, having a romantic partner without the burden of kids and marriage would be a cool thing, but it isn’t at the top of my priority list. 

I would also like to add that I am not socially anxious or anything of that sort, I am also not the stereotypical NEET gamer who stays in his mom’s basement jerking off to hentai and munching Cheetos, while gulping down Mountain Dew that comes to mind when thinking of problems such as these. I study data science at a fairly reputable university and am optimistic about my career prospects.

So, I’m reaching out to you all for advice. How do I make friends and move past the casual acquaintanceship stage? What are some tips for initiating conversations and inviting people to hang out without feeling like I’m imposing? And most importantly, how do I know if someone is interested in being more than just a casual acquaintance?

I appreciate any that you can share. Thank you!

Looking For Group

DEAR LOOKING FOR GROUP: First things first, LFG: I hope you read what I just wrote to The Mute Dancer yesterday. You’re going to need to do is start getting used to being social and to take the initiative, rather than waiting for other people to do so for you.

Part of connecting with people, whether for friendship or romance, is giving them the chance to know you. That can’t happen if you aren’t willing to open up and show that you’re friendly. While I understand why you tend to be withdrawn – you’re worried about bothering other people – the fact of the matter is that folks can’t learn who you are if you don’t show them. So the first key is often giving them that chance. Being willing to make the first move by starting the conversation shows that you’re actually interested in getting to know them, and that invites reciprocation.

The first thing I would recommend for anyone who wants to be more social is simply to be curious about people. Who are they, what brought them here, what’re they into, what makes them tick? The phrase “interested is interesting” may be a cliché, but it’s a cliché for a reason. We rarely meet people who genuinely want to get to know us. Think of how good it would feel for someone who wanted to know more about you, for no reason other than they think you’re interesting. That feels pretty damn good, and if you make folks feel good, they’re going to want to spend more time with you.

The next thing I recommend is to simply practice being social. I’ve written a lot about how you can build your social skills, but looking for opportunities to initiate brief, surface-level conversations is going to be a big part of that. You don’t need to overthink the conversation starter; you can start a conversation with literally anything. Kids understand this; they see someone’s wearing a Minecraft shirt or carrying a backpack with a Creeper on it, say “hey, you play Minecraft” and they’re off to the races. That doesn’t have to end, just because you’re in your 20s. Even just saying “hey, is that a Spider Gwen hoodie? That’s really cool!” is an opening bid for a conversation.

This, incidentally, is where learning how to be comfortable with small-talk can be important; small-talk is effectively a bid for commonality; you’re looking for those minor points of commonality that make it easier to transition to the deeper, more meaningful conversations most folks want to have.

But working on your social skills and being more talkative in general is the start. After all, you can’t make friends without talking to them first. The next part requires more investment. See, there’re three factors that affect whether or not you develop a relationship with someone, romantic or platonic.

The first are common interests; we like people who are like us. Opposites attract, but not for very long. Similarities make people stay.

The second is time. Friendships are built over time. I’m sure you’ve seen the various studies that say it takes 30 or so hours to become acquaintances, 50 to become friends and 300 to become best friends. There’s a lot of wiggle room in the exact amount of time, but this is correct overall; the more time you spend with someone, the more connected you feel to them. You get to know them, you see them repeatedly and a sense of connection and affection builds. Part of the reason why it’s so easy to make friends when we’re kids is because we have nothing but time. We make friends at school precisely because we’re spending 8+ hours a day there; that 300 hours passes very quickly under those circumstances.

That’s harder when you’re a grown-ass adult, with adult responsibilities. This is where regularity and repetition become key. If you’re trying to connect with folks, it’s a lot easier when you see them on a regular basis; this is part of why work has become the default source for many people’s social lives. But if you can find other opportunities to see folks on a regular basis – a weekly open mic at a coffeeshop, a regularly scheduled game night, a class – the easier it is to build and maintain a relationship.

The third factor is openness and vulnerability. If you want to make genuine friends, you have to let them in. That means being willing to get real with them. This part can be scary; being open and vulnerable runs the risk of oversharing if you’re not used to it, and it means risking rejection or showing someone the places where you’re most easily hurt. But that’s going to be true about any close relationship. Closeness can’t exist without trust and openness. When folks feel like you’re holding them at arm’s length, they don’t feel like you trust or like them and they’re going to pull back too. It needs to be a two-way street.

So how can you put this into practice in your circumstances? First, the same thing I tell folks looking for romantic relationships: find out where your people hang out and spend time there. Find ways to do the things you love or are passionate about with other people and make that a regular part of how you spend your time.

Next, get curious about the other people in the group. Have those minor conversations – hey, how’s your week going, what’ve you been up to, etc. Being curious is good; if you want to be great, be curious and remember the little things. Part of what makes Tom Cruise more magnetic than an unshielded MRI is that he always made people feel like they were the most fascinating people on Earth. Part of Bill Clinton’s charm was that he remembered all the seemingly insignificant things about the people he met. He’d ask about people’s kids or inquire about something they mentioned once before; the idea that he was paying attention even to those minor details made people feel valued and validated.

Next: be the planner. Organize activities – things that you would want to do anyway – and invite folks to them. This could be anything from getting folks together to watch the UFC match at a bar to a cookout at the pool at your apartment, a tabletop gaming night… the point is to get people together and spend time doing fun things. Don’t worry about the number of people who show up; just focus on enjoying yourself and helping the people who do come have fun.

You can also invite folks to stuff on a one-on-one basis. The easiest and lowest risk ask tends to be “hey, want to grab a beer after?” and just hang out. A mix of group events and one-on-one hang outs is a good way to cultivate and build relationships with a lot of people and figure out who you click the most with. Don’t forget: chemistry is important for friends, too.

Don’t worry too much about impositions. Asking folks to hang out isn’t a big deal. You’re hardly asking them for a hundred dollars or a kidney or something. If they’re not available or interested, they’ll say no. If they’re interested but can’t make it or would rather hang out another time or place, they’ll likely tell you. But simply saying “hey, would you like to do $COOL_THING isn’t going to make anyone think you’re an asshole or whatever. That’s just your own anxieties getting in the way.

As you talk with your new potential buds, let yourself be real with them. You don’t want to drop your deepest secrets on them or open up about your long dark nights of the soul, but letting yourself be genuine will go a long way towards fostering a stronger, more meaningful connection with them. Even a “honestly? Work’s been kicking my ass and I’m kinda burned out and wondering about quitting” as a reply to “how’s it been going?” can be a level of openness that many people wouldn’t expect.

In fact, this can be a way of leveraging the Ben Franklin effect. You can ask for advice or a suggestion about something that your potential friends would be able to help with. Since we do favors for our friends, getting a favor from someone can help foster a friendship. It’s almost like a Jedi mind trick; if you’re doing a favor for this person, you must like them.

But remember that this takes time. This is why regularly scheduled events are helpful for moving through the stages of friendship; a structure of when and how you’re going to spend time together makes it much easier, rather than trying hoping the Gods of Scheduling will smile upon you this day.

Oh, and one more thing: much like romantic relationships, not all friendships are going to be life-long ones. Some friendships are temporary, and that’s ok. Some people are only in our lives for a little while; that doesn’t mean that this time is worth less or that their impact on us doesn’t mean as much. So don’t worry about duration or quantity when it comes to your friendships. Look for quality – of both people and of the time you spend together – and you’ll be much happier.

Good luck!

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’m a guy in my mid-twenties. All my life I was/am pretty shy, very passive when it comes to interacting with other people, needed a lot of time to open up, overall that guy that only speaks if it is spoken to. Being in a relationship or going to dates is out of the question.��Around two years ago I started attending bachata classes (and afterwards also picked salsa and kizomba). I wanted to learn how to dance, to stop using excuses when I’m at a wedding or some event. I felt the need to socialize after some lockdown restrictions were lifted but I would be lying if I didn’t recognize that I also wanted to make myself more appealing to women and find my special someone. With some of them I succeeded and some not that much.��Now when I’m at a “civilian” event I’m very confident in regards to dancing, I feel the rhythm and move my body just fine. When I started attending classes I made a conscious effort to socialize and got myself a small but tight group of friends. Over time I got some positive feedback from women: “you are my favorite leader”, “I feel safe dancing sensual bachata with you”, “you dance so well and can lead me in elements I never did before”, “with you I can be myself and fool around during a dance”. But this is where my successes end. I heard both the “women don’t attend hobby classes to find a partner” and also the “you should attend a hobby class if you want to find a partner”, I tried asking out some colleagues if I was vibing with them and felt that it was mutual but I was always rejected and before you say “women don’t like to be hit on when attending hobby classes” I’ve seen plenty of colleagues starting dating and it makes me question “wtf I’m doing wrong? why do they have success and I’m not?”. In the overall dance scene I’m having an even harder time, I’m a regular at the local dance parties and attend lots of festivals outside my city. I’ve seen people constantly hooking up in the scene and I’m like “how????”.��Lots of men are wondering “where to go to meet women” and I found the answer for myself but I don’t know how to do step 2. I have no idea how to even start a conversation, most of my talk is “do you want to dance?” followed by “thank you” at the end. I’m not the type that enjoys talking during the dance but afterwards I would really like to get to know some of these women and I can’t even make myself to ask them their name. It’s like I’m so close yet so far.

Two years later I’m still going strong and I don’t see myself dropping dancing any time soon. I love the music and developed an appreciation for what the artists have achieved. I get excited every time I learn some new move and I’m constantly trying to improve my technique. The reason I dance changed but this last nugget is still bugging me. In regards to interacting with women I’m a lot better now but is still so underdeveloped. Any sort of advice or encouragement you could give me?

Thank you,�The Mute Dancer

DEAR THE MUTE DANCER: First and foremost, TMD: congratulations on becoming such a skilled dancer and getting out of your comfort zone! That’s really admirable and you should be rightly proud of how much you’ve accomplished.

I would also point out that what you’ve been learning – leading, rhythm, being aware and in control of your body and how it moves through space – is going to make you damn sexy. Part of the reason why women like a guy who can dance is that level of physical confidence, sensuality and control that comes with being skilled at dancing.

Now, this isn’t precisely the question you asked, but I want to address something you brought up in your letter that I feel is important:

“I heard both the “women don’t attend hobby classes to find a partner” and also the “you should attend a hobby class if you want to find a partner”

This is something that tends to trip a lot of people up, in part because the advice seems contradictory. And to be fair, I could be clearer when I’ve brought this up, so clearly I’m part of the problem.

Both of these are true, but as with most things, there’s important context.

If you’ve read me before, I’m sure you’ve seen my talking about “finding your people” or figuring out where the people you most want to date like to hang out. You may have also seen me talk about how shared interests help bring people together and that exploring your interests that bring you in contact with like-minded folks helps you expand your social network and exposes you to more people who you may click with. This is why I’m an advocate for going to meetups or finding events that match up with your passions.

But the way you conduct yourself at these becomes important, and it makes all the difference between “women at $CLASS aren’t there to find a date” and “take $CLASS to meet women”.

The thing that folks get wrong about a lot of “where to go to meet women” advice is that often what many folks are looking for is a – for lack of a better term – “target rich environment”. The problem is that lots of dudes go to dance classes or yoga classes or any of the other usual places that people toss out there, not because they’re interested in yoga or salsa or what-have-you, but because there’re lots of women. They tend to try to treat the hobby space like a sex ATM. They’re the ones who are cruising around like horny sharks, rather than actually participating in the class, and making the people who are there to learn how to dance or wanting to work through their asanas uncomfortable.

Most folks who are going to those classes are there because they’re interested in the classes themselves. They’re not there to get a date or a partner or to find someone at that class to hook up with. A dude who rolls in there who clearly doesn’t give a s--t and who’s shotgunning his way through the conventionally attractive members is disruptive to that, and enough of them will kill the vibe of the whole endeavor for everyone.

But if those same participants – the ones who are there specifically for the class – were to have a brief chat with someone in the class who’s also clearly there to learn and discover that they’re a charming and friendly individual and they have fun talking? They may well decide that they’d like to grab a coffee or some ice cream after class and keep the conversation going. And that may lead to something deeper. You would be hard pressed to find someone who’s single and up to mingle who wouldn’t find think that was a wonderful meet-cute.

The difference between those two examples is that one is artificial and disruptive, while the other is organic and flows naturally from a place of shared common interests and not having an agenda outside of “you seem cool, we have fun talking… let’s keep the conversation going”. Just as importantly, the horny sharks are looking for something to stick their dick in; they’re not that concerned with the individual. Meanwhile the more organic scenario I mention is entirely contingent on those two specific people, not a “you’re cute enough, you’ll do”.

You are, very clearly, someone who is taking these classes because you want to learn how to dance. You get a lot out of it, you’ve devoted a lot of time to it and you’ve become very skilled at it. And while, yeah, you wanted to be more desirable to women – and there’s nothing wrong AT ALL with that, whether it’s your primary motivation or not – you’re clearly there for love of the dance. That’s going to count for a lot, since it speaks to what you’re actually there for.

So does the positive feedback you’ve been getting. “I feel safe dancing sensual bachata with you”? “With you I can be myself and fool around during a dance”? That’s huge. That’s some first-class, high level praise and it says that you’re someone who’s safe but not boring. That’s all very, very good, and that tells me that you’ve made serious progress at your goal of being more desirable to women. You’ve nailed two of the most important qualities right there. Attraction and arousal can’t exist without feelings of safety and comfort. If they feel comfortable enough to dance in a sensual way with you or feel like they can be genuine and even a bit goofy while you all dance? King, you’re more than halfway there.

The difference between you and your colleagues – I assume you mean in class, not at work – is likely the fact that you don’t talk much. “Skilled, aloof and mysterious” is great for gothic romance novels, but doesn’t work as well in real life. You’re not out there brooding on the moors after all, you’re out in the city, moving and grooving. If you want people to want more than a dance with you, you have to let them get to know you. And to do that, you’re going to have to start flapping your lips.

And honestly? You’re in a perfect position to do so. You have a whole host of conversation starters at your fingertips. “How long have you been dancing bachata?” “Do you dance other styles?” “I haven’t seen you at these before; is this your first time?” The important thing is that you just get the conversation going and keep it going.

Now, there’s good news and there’s less-good-news. The less-good-news is that you need to work at overcoming your reticence at initiating conversation and getting over the “I don’t talk to anyone unless they talk to me first.”

The good news is: you have already proven you can do this. If you can take even a little of the dedication that you applied to learning to dance – and becoming a damn good dancer – then you can learn to be more social and communicative. As with dancing, it’s a matter of learning and practicing the basics and then adding on as you get the hang of things.

The key here is to just start taking opportunities to interact with folks without needing to be prompted, first. The good thing is, if you’re going about in public, you’ll have plenty of opportunities to do so. When I was trying to get over approach anxiety and trying to be more social in general, I played “lost tourist”, asking strangers for things like “hey, is there a Starbucks/ATM/whatever nearby?” until I was less uncomfortable going up to people I didn’t know. As I got used to that, I would switch that to “hey, are you local? Is there a good place around here for Thai/ Tex-Mex/barbecue”? From there, it moved to trying to spin that into a very short conversation – no more than a couple minutes, until I was used to just… being more talkative while I was going about my day. It became something I just did.

(Incidentally, asking for opinions on local barbecue in Austin is a good way to get locked into a conversation that’s going to go a LOT longer than 5 minutes. People feel VERY strongly about barbecue here. And even more strongly about breakfast tacos.)

Just as with dancing, if you start working on speaking up and initiating conversations and keep at it, it’ll go from something you have to consciously think to do to pure muscle memory. If you can, say, start making a point of having even a brief – even just a simple “hey, I’m TMD, how’s your night going?” – conversation with folks, you’ll start breaking through that wall-o-silence you’ve been behind all this time.

Give people the chance to get to know you, TMD. Let the conversation start and the connection build. Before long, you’re going to feel confident enough and empowered enough to say “hey, I’m going to grab a coffee after this; would you like to join me?”

And then you will be one of those success stories you’ve been envying.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: Okay, so I’ve been reading your posts for a while now, using your advice to get out there to meet people and let go of my personal self-limiting beliefs. The thing is, while I do think I’ve improved I still don’t have a relationship, so maybe I haven’t improved enough? For context, I’m 27 years old, autistic and never dated or had sex.��I honestly don’t know where I stand on the desirability scale and I’m not sure how I can find that out. There’s things about me that I like, but there’s still a little more evidence that I’m not attractive. 

In my friend group I’m known as the funny one, something that I know girls really like in a guy. I also enjoy cooking and baking and will often bring baked goods to parties as a potential icebreaker in case there are any women there. I also enjoy working out and I’m even working on some writing projects; I’m in the process of writing a novel and most recently I’ve been trying to write some material for standup comedy. I know these are good traits and hobbies to have, so that should suggest that I’m desirable. 

I think that I am undesirable for a couple reasons. For one thing I never get matches on dating apps no matter how hard I try. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve created a profile, following your advice, shown it to female friends who said it was good, only to get no matches. I remember you saying that most guys suck on dating apps, which to me means that if you’re one of the few guys who doesn’t suck you will get matches. It would also mean that if you don’t get matches it’s because your profile is s--t and you have to start over again, this time with a better profile.��I also think I’m undesirable because every time I develop a crush the other person never seems to reciprocate. I haven’t had that many crushes, but the few I’ve had I was never “their type.” One of my former crushes actually became one of my friends, which suggests that she likes my personality but not my looks (if she liked both my looks and personality she would have no reason to turn me down.) Another one of my crushes asked me to go to the dog park with her, which we did about twice, and then kind of ghosted me when I asked to hang out for a third time.��I’ve also never had anybody crush on me, and if I did I think I would know. When I develop a crush on someone I always talk to their friends, get them to see if we would be a good match or if she likes me back. The fact that nobody’s ever gone to my friends to talk/ask about me in that way is one of the ways I know that nobody’s ever been infatuated with me. It’s also possible, being autistic, that a person was flirting with me but I had just “missed the signs” but I don’t think this is likely. ��For one thing, if I didn’t pick up on something and one of my friends did they would definitely tell me. They know how badly I want a girlfriend and I trust them to be honest and straightforward about that. There are also times when I thought girls were flirting with me at parties, only to find out they weren’t actually interested.

I’ve read enough of your posts to know that there’s nothing wrong with being older and inexperience and that I shouldn’t feel bad about it. Thing is, I still don’t fully understand why a desirable guy would take this long to find a partner. When you look at people with great social skills, who are in good shape and have cool, interesting hobbies, you never see them having this problem. They may have other relationship problems but the guys who fit that description are either dating someone or have a lengthy dating history by the time they’re my age. 

I think the problem here is either I’m not desirable or I am, but I’m just the unluckiest desirable guy out there. If the second thing is true, then there’s probably nothing I can do to fix myself, if I’m unlucky. If the first thing is true, that I am undesirable that would suggest that once I become desirable I’ll get a partner and all these years of struggle will finally be over. What do you think? What should I do here?

– Possibly Too Unattractive to Date

DEAR POSSIBLY TOO UNATTRACTIVE TO DATE: I’ll just get the obvious answer out of the way first: you’ll know you’re desirable enough for someone to want to date you when they date you.

Now I’ll admit that this sounds flippant and that I’m not taking your issue seriously, but that’s actually the truth. There’s no “objective” measure of desirability because everyone’s got individual tastes. There’re traits that are generally more desirable or attractive than others, but everyone’s going to have their own metric about what makes someone hot and someone else not – and frankly, they may not even be able to articulate it to anyone who isn’t them.

The thing is, attractiveness and desirability isn’t math; you don’t have a list of attributes that give you certain amounts of points and if you add them up past a certain score, you’re datable. This is why you can have someone who is conventionally handsome but still leaves people cold, while you can have hordes of women who would let Matt Berry and Jesse Plemons do all kinds of horrible things to them.

It’s also why you can’t use something like dating apps as an objective measure of your attractiveness. Leaving aside my usual rant about how swipe mechanics f--ked online dating, dating apps aren’t objective measures of anything. There are all sorts of influences and dark incentives on dating apps that affect who matches with who and when. For example, just about every app these days uses algorithms to decide who does or doesn’t show up in your feed as a a potential match, and most of those algorithms are black boxes; you have no idea who is or isn’t seeing your profile at all or what influences this. You can struggle on dating apps through no fault of your own, but because the architecture of the app makes it that much harder.

Similarly, different dating apps have different audiences and demographics; part of the struggle is to figure out where “your” people are – the folks you are most compatible with. You can have the greatest profile in the world, when all your pictures are on point and your prompts drip with diamond bon mots and pearls of wisdom… but that doesn’t do any good if the majority of women on that site aren’t people who would be a good match for you.

And that’s before we even get into the fact that most dating apps have a very lopsided male-to-female ratio; Tinder is practically at a 3 to 1 ratio. Or the fact that dating apps are very inefficient in general; recent studies have found that it takes approximately 57 matches to get one meet-up on average on Tinder. And it takes 5 separate meet-ups to get one hook up or romantic relationship. The average Tinder user reported having two matches.

This is why you can’t objectively measure how hot you are or hit the right switches and then get all the matches. Attraction doesn’t work that way. Attraction and attractiveness is a multi-axis graph and there’re often a host of issues that affect attraction that you simply can’t factor in or account for or work around. That’s just human nature. Learning how to work with this is part of learning how to date.

It’s also why I tell people that online dating should be a supplement to how you meet people, not the dominant or primary way you do so.

Now, one thing that’s important to consider is that having traits like a great sense of humor or being a great cook isn’t going to automatically win people over; people aren’t going to just smell the humor on you or divine that you’re a wizard in the kitchen. When, where and how you display those qualities matters – the dating version of “show, don’t tell”. Are you interacting with folks so that they have a chance to get to know you and see these great qualities? You make your friends laugh and that’s great… are you talking to women and helping them have a good time? Are you creating opportunities for folks to sample your cooking?

Similarly, there’s a question of how often you’re seeing people and having a chance for them to get to know you. Having a great sense of humor doesn’t mean you roll up on a stranger, do your tight five and get straight into someone’s panties – attraction, especially the kind of attraction that leads to relationships – is built over time. Despite how it feels, the love-at-first-sight-leap-into-a-relationship-with-someone-you-just-met dynamic isn’t how most people operate. This can lead to short-term, casual hook-ups, but not anything that actually lasts – not without some actual substance to back up the initial sense of attraction.

Most people meet someone and attraction is built as they get to know each other. This is part of why most folks meet their partners through shared activities or mutual friends. It’s also why propinquity – how often someone sees you, interacts with you and so on – is one of the most powerful, yet under-appreciated forces in attraction. The more time we spend with someone, the more likely we are to form a friendship or romantic relationship with them.

This is why I talk about “dating slow” – a lot of folks struggle with dating because they’re trying to speed-run attraction and it just doesn’t work like that. Even people that are conventionally attractive find that relationships take time. Conventional attractiveness certainly makes the initial connection easier, but it’s not a guarantee of anything. There are men and women who are stupidly hot that struggle to meet people and to find relationships.

And someone being attracted to you doesn’t necessarily guarantee that they’ll make a move. Women are just as shy and worried about rejection as men are. Even when they think a guy is the hottest thing since World War III, they may not feel like they can say or do something about it, for all kinds of reasons.

And there’s also the fact that people in general are bad at picking up when folks are flirting with them.

So yeah, it’s entirely possible to be desirable and still be single. You could be hot as hell as a straight man, but if most of the women around you are either not interested in straight men, not single or not interested in romance with anyone, then it doesn’t do you any more good than having millions of dollars’ worth of bitcoin that you can’t convert into fiat currency.

There is always an element of luck when it comes to dating. I’m fond of saying that meeting a potential partner is a matter of right person, right place and right time, and if those three factors don’t come together, it’s not going to happen. You can be in the right place where your perfect match would be… but you showed up at the wrong time. That’s not because of anything wrong with you, it’s just pure random chance. Dating isn’t math, it’s blackjack; you can improve your odds by playing “correctly”, but you can still lose.

Or to put it another way: even if you’re rolling with advantage in D&D, you can still roll a critical fail.

The best thing you can do is focus on maximizing your odds. You want to be looking for the people you’re most compatible with and spending time where those people are likely to hang out, getting to know folks and spending time with them to take advantage of propinquity, and to use those opportunities to demonstrate your desirable qualities.

That means making sure your style and presentation are on point, being social, interacting with folks – including people you’re not trying to date, building your social network and looking for (or creating) opportunities. If you become part of a community at, say, your local tabletop gaming store and make friends there, hosting a regular cookout or dinner party and encouraging them to invite friends means that not only are you creating an opportunity to show off your skill in the kitchen, but you’re creating greater opportunities to meet people by having friends invite their friends.

Yeah, this takes work. Yeah, it takes a certain amount of trial and error, and it’s certainly frustrating. This is why I’m a big advocate of embracing the things you love and finding ways of doing them that help you meet people; that makes the process less of a hassle and more something you enjoy. You’re getting to do things you’re passionate about while meeting folks who are also interested in those things – that’s far more enjoyable than forcing yourself to go to bars you hate to talk to people you don’t like.

But like I’m always saying: nobody said that this would be easy; just that it would be worth it.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com