Ask Dr. Nerdlove

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’m a 31 year old woman. Ten years ago I was diagnosed as autistic, which explained a lot about my social life (or lack thereof). About five years ago, I discovered what asexuality was, and that also answered a lot of questions. On the one hand, I thought “oh, so I’m not broken! There’s a reason I’ve never wanted to kiss anyone.” On the other hand, I thought “oh, I was *very* in love with that person in high school, wasn’t I? And I just didn’t realize because I thought you had to want to kiss someone to be in love with them.”

To make a decade-long story short, I’ve finally graduated from college this year. Emotionally, mentally, academically – in every conceivable way I’m doing the best I ever have. I’m really proud of what I’ve accomplished.

And, I would like to date. But I’m honestly not sure how. My social circle consists of classmates all at least a decade my junior. I’ve tried online dating before, but if I wasn’t getting just the worst unicorn hunters in my DMs I was trying and failing to find an app that worked for asexuals. I’m not even kidding that if you google “asexual dating app” the response is “did you mean *sexual* dating app?”

As far as romantic orientation, I have no clue what I am. I guess I’m theoretically panromantic – in hindsight I definitely had pretty intense crushes on people of multiple genders in high school. But hormones do funny things. I haven’t really had a crush since, but until very recently I also haven’t been around people enough that I could have developed a crush, I think. 

I’d like to get out there! I’ve done the work, I’ve grown a ton in the past decade, I’m living my best life, and I’m finally in a place where I know and understand my sexual orientation and I’d like to explore dating. But I have no clue where to start. I feel like I’m at a crossroads composed entirely of dead ends.

Sincerely,�Ready to Launch

DEAR READY TO LAUNCH: I’m glad that you’ve been doing the work and getting to a place where you’re feeling confident and ready to give something new a try, RTL! That’s an exciting time, and it’s going to be an interesting adventure for sure.

But of course, there’s the complication of just how to get started when you’re not even sure about… almost anything about your sexual and romantic orientation. And to be sure: those can be different – some people are bi (or pan)sexual but primarily heteroromantic (that is, they mostly form romantic connections with someone who’s a different gender from them), while some may feel sexual attraction for one gender, but form romantic connections with people across the gender spectrum, or almost any combination thereof. And as you’ve discovered: just because you’re asexual doesn’t mean that you don’t also feel romantic love for people, and you can be aromantic without being asexual.

Now, it sounds like what you’re most interested in is figuring out more about who you are and what (and who) you want from a relationship – which is entirely valid! In practice, what you’re going to want to prioritize are potential partners who are going to be patient, giving and understanding that you’re still in a discovery phase. How do you go about finding them?

There’re a few options. One thing I would suggest is that, as someone who is at least potentially panromantic, to look into LGBTQ social groups in your area. If you’re in a college town or one of the larger, more liberal cities, you’re much more likely to find groups that are specifically for helping local queer people meet each other and connect. These are often based around activities – an LGBTQ amateur sports league, pub quiz teams, hiking and biking orgs and so on – that allow for people to get to know each other in low-key, low-pressure environments that don’t feel like meat markets. Taking the chance to get to know people, build connections and relationships with them and see who – if anyone – floats your boat without feeling the need to make things happen will be a good start.

That low-pressure environment is going to be important. You’re still figuring things out. The last thing you’re going to feel like you’re somehow obligated to hook up or declare someone your new one and only, especially if you’re not sure how you feel yet.

Another option is to get back on the apps, but with a different outlook than you had last time. I know I’m the guy telling people to let online dating be a supplement to how you meet people, not the primary method. But for someone in a situation like yours, it’s going to be one of the more reliable ways of finding a larger number of people who are a) the most likely to understand what you’re looking for and b) have more of an understanding of what dating you would be like.

One of the benefit of dating apps is that you have more opportunities to fine-tune what you’re looking for and give people a heads up in advance to what dating you would mean.

Of course, the tricky aspect of this is that – as with allosexual people – part of having success on a dating app is finding the one where you’re going to find the people who are most compatible with you. Since most folks are going to be allosexual, that can make things challenging.

But challenging isn’t the same thing as impossible.

Now, there are some ace-oriented dating apps out there, like Taimi or HER. The biggest drawback to specialized apps is that they may not have the critical mass of users that make them a viable option. I’d certainly recommend checking those out and see if they work for you, but I would also suggest that you are going to want to be a little creative.

Some apps that focus on less traditional, less heteronormative relationship models, like #Feeld may be one way for you to go. #Feeld is aimed at people looking for non-traditional relationships, like polyamory or kink. These tend to be communities where you will find people who are more versed in the wide array of human sexuality and the importance of open and clear communication. While nothing’s guaranteed, and you can find assholes anywhere, the people in these communities are much more likely to understand asexuality and be more prepared to date someone who’s ace.

I’d also suggest trying OKCupid. While OKC isn’t what it was back in its glory days before Tinder, it’s still very much the 500lb gorilla of dating apps, and one that has more options than something like Hinge or Bumble. It has options that allow you to list yourself as asexual, gray-ace, demisexual and in-flux, as well as to search for people who are similar to you. You also have opportunities to use the prompts to discuss what you’re looking for and what you’re not open to. While this isn’t going to rule out the time-wasters who don’t read your profile, it does mean that you’re going to signal to people who are worth your time that you’re here, you’re single and ready to mingle. The wrong people will self-select out, one way or another. You want to make sure the right people can find you.

One thing to keep in mind is that, if you’re not sure precisely what or who you’re looking for, then be open to giving things a shot. If someone seems like you’d get along well with them, chat a bit, make a pre-date date and see how you get along in person. If you dig them then hey, great! Propose a proper date and see how things go. Just make sure that they understand what ace means and what you’re open to at that time. If not, or you realize that they’re not of the gender you’re attracted to? Wish them well in their search and move on.

Now in all cases, it’ll be important to be clear about what you want, what you’re open to and what’s a hard “no” for you. If you’re open to trying sex with someone, make sure that they’re someone who you can trust and who understands what this will mean – how you do or don’t experience desire, and so on. If that’s a hard no, then that should be something they should know as well, so that you and they don’t frustrate one another.

However, whichever way you decide to go, remember that strong boundaries are what keep the time-wasters and wanna-be predators away. When the unicorn hunters show up – and if you list yourself as any flavor of bi or pan, they likely will – don’t bother even responding to their emails. That’s just a waste of your time, and interacting with them only f--ks with your algorithm. Swipe left, delete or block if need be.

Similarly, if you do go on dates with folks, don’t let other people try to dictate to you what you should or shouldn’t be doing or what your orientation “means”; you know yourself better than anyone else, and only you get to define those aspects of yourself. Don’t listen to “well if you were REALLY bi/pan/whatever you’d do X, Y or Z”; that’s just someone trying to manipulate you into doing what they want, without a care for your feelings or needs. If someone makes you feel pressured or uncomfortable, you are well within your rights to speak up and say so. If they don’t respect and prioritize your comfort, you have the right to deny them access to you and you can leave them behind with neither guilt nor shame nor worry.

Most of all: take things at a pace that you’re comfortable with. This isn’t a race, you don’t need to make up for lost time and you don’t need to play catch-up. You are on a journey of self-discovery, and it will take exactly as long or as short as you need. If you’re interested in trying a sexual experience with someone who you think is worth it, then by all means. But if you feel like you need time to decide if that’s something you want to try or to bother with at all? That’s up to you, and someone who’s worth dating will understand and respect that.

This is an exciting time for you, RTL, and I hope you’re going to have an amazing adventure while you learn about yourself.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’m a 20-year-old who has always struggled to make meaningful connections with others. I wouldn’t say that I’m socially anxious or awkward, but I find myself holding back when it comes to making friends. I often feel like I’m stuck in the phase of casual acquaintanceship and don’t know how to move past it.

I’m afraid of overstepping boundaries and mistaking being friendly and polite for something more than casual acquaintanceship. I only speak when spoken to and don’t know how to initiate conversations or invite people to hang out without feeling like I’m imposing.

The problem is that I haven’t had anyone that I can call a friend. All the people in my life were mere acquaintances, and nobody ever called me unless they wanted something from me. I’m tired of feeling lonely and want to learn how to make genuine connections with people

I see many people especially the males in subreddits like these complain about their inability to find a romantic partner, I am here worried about never finding a genuine connection, not even a platonic one. I am not particularly interested in Romance, and have no plans on getting married and starting a family. Sure, having a romantic partner without the burden of kids and marriage would be a cool thing, but it isn’t at the top of my priority list. 

I would also like to add that I am not socially anxious or anything of that sort, I am also not the stereotypical NEET gamer who stays in his mom’s basement jerking off to hentai and munching Cheetos, while gulping down Mountain Dew that comes to mind when thinking of problems such as these. I study data science at a fairly reputable university and am optimistic about my career prospects.

So, I’m reaching out to you all for advice. How do I make friends and move past the casual acquaintanceship stage? What are some tips for initiating conversations and inviting people to hang out without feeling like I’m imposing? And most importantly, how do I know if someone is interested in being more than just a casual acquaintance?

I appreciate any that you can share. Thank you!

Looking For Group

DEAR LOOKING FOR GROUP: First things first, LFG: I hope you read what I just wrote to The Mute Dancer yesterday. You’re going to need to do is start getting used to being social and to take the initiative, rather than waiting for other people to do so for you.

Part of connecting with people, whether for friendship or romance, is giving them the chance to know you. That can’t happen if you aren’t willing to open up and show that you’re friendly. While I understand why you tend to be withdrawn – you’re worried about bothering other people – the fact of the matter is that folks can’t learn who you are if you don’t show them. So the first key is often giving them that chance. Being willing to make the first move by starting the conversation shows that you’re actually interested in getting to know them, and that invites reciprocation.

The first thing I would recommend for anyone who wants to be more social is simply to be curious about people. Who are they, what brought them here, what’re they into, what makes them tick? The phrase “interested is interesting” may be a cliché, but it’s a cliché for a reason. We rarely meet people who genuinely want to get to know us. Think of how good it would feel for someone who wanted to know more about you, for no reason other than they think you’re interesting. That feels pretty damn good, and if you make folks feel good, they’re going to want to spend more time with you.

The next thing I recommend is to simply practice being social. I’ve written a lot about how you can build your social skills, but looking for opportunities to initiate brief, surface-level conversations is going to be a big part of that. You don’t need to overthink the conversation starter; you can start a conversation with literally anything. Kids understand this; they see someone’s wearing a Minecraft shirt or carrying a backpack with a Creeper on it, say “hey, you play Minecraft” and they’re off to the races. That doesn’t have to end, just because you’re in your 20s. Even just saying “hey, is that a Spider Gwen hoodie? That’s really cool!” is an opening bid for a conversation.

This, incidentally, is where learning how to be comfortable with small-talk can be important; small-talk is effectively a bid for commonality; you’re looking for those minor points of commonality that make it easier to transition to the deeper, more meaningful conversations most folks want to have.

But working on your social skills and being more talkative in general is the start. After all, you can’t make friends without talking to them first. The next part requires more investment. See, there’re three factors that affect whether or not you develop a relationship with someone, romantic or platonic.

The first are common interests; we like people who are like us. Opposites attract, but not for very long. Similarities make people stay.

The second is time. Friendships are built over time. I’m sure you’ve seen the various studies that say it takes 30 or so hours to become acquaintances, 50 to become friends and 300 to become best friends. There’s a lot of wiggle room in the exact amount of time, but this is correct overall; the more time you spend with someone, the more connected you feel to them. You get to know them, you see them repeatedly and a sense of connection and affection builds. Part of the reason why it’s so easy to make friends when we’re kids is because we have nothing but time. We make friends at school precisely because we’re spending 8+ hours a day there; that 300 hours passes very quickly under those circumstances.

That’s harder when you’re a grown-ass adult, with adult responsibilities. This is where regularity and repetition become key. If you’re trying to connect with folks, it’s a lot easier when you see them on a regular basis; this is part of why work has become the default source for many people’s social lives. But if you can find other opportunities to see folks on a regular basis – a weekly open mic at a coffeeshop, a regularly scheduled game night, a class – the easier it is to build and maintain a relationship.

The third factor is openness and vulnerability. If you want to make genuine friends, you have to let them in. That means being willing to get real with them. This part can be scary; being open and vulnerable runs the risk of oversharing if you’re not used to it, and it means risking rejection or showing someone the places where you’re most easily hurt. But that’s going to be true about any close relationship. Closeness can’t exist without trust and openness. When folks feel like you’re holding them at arm’s length, they don’t feel like you trust or like them and they’re going to pull back too. It needs to be a two-way street.

So how can you put this into practice in your circumstances? First, the same thing I tell folks looking for romantic relationships: find out where your people hang out and spend time there. Find ways to do the things you love or are passionate about with other people and make that a regular part of how you spend your time.

Next, get curious about the other people in the group. Have those minor conversations – hey, how’s your week going, what’ve you been up to, etc. Being curious is good; if you want to be great, be curious and remember the little things. Part of what makes Tom Cruise more magnetic than an unshielded MRI is that he always made people feel like they were the most fascinating people on Earth. Part of Bill Clinton’s charm was that he remembered all the seemingly insignificant things about the people he met. He’d ask about people’s kids or inquire about something they mentioned once before; the idea that he was paying attention even to those minor details made people feel valued and validated.

Next: be the planner. Organize activities – things that you would want to do anyway – and invite folks to them. This could be anything from getting folks together to watch the UFC match at a bar to a cookout at the pool at your apartment, a tabletop gaming night… the point is to get people together and spend time doing fun things. Don’t worry about the number of people who show up; just focus on enjoying yourself and helping the people who do come have fun.

You can also invite folks to stuff on a one-on-one basis. The easiest and lowest risk ask tends to be “hey, want to grab a beer after?” and just hang out. A mix of group events and one-on-one hang outs is a good way to cultivate and build relationships with a lot of people and figure out who you click the most with. Don’t forget: chemistry is important for friends, too.

Don’t worry too much about impositions. Asking folks to hang out isn’t a big deal. You’re hardly asking them for a hundred dollars or a kidney or something. If they’re not available or interested, they’ll say no. If they’re interested but can’t make it or would rather hang out another time or place, they’ll likely tell you. But simply saying “hey, would you like to do $COOL_THING isn’t going to make anyone think you’re an asshole or whatever. That’s just your own anxieties getting in the way.

As you talk with your new potential buds, let yourself be real with them. You don’t want to drop your deepest secrets on them or open up about your long dark nights of the soul, but letting yourself be genuine will go a long way towards fostering a stronger, more meaningful connection with them. Even a “honestly? Work’s been kicking my ass and I’m kinda burned out and wondering about quitting” as a reply to “how’s it been going?” can be a level of openness that many people wouldn’t expect.

In fact, this can be a way of leveraging the Ben Franklin effect. You can ask for advice or a suggestion about something that your potential friends would be able to help with. Since we do favors for our friends, getting a favor from someone can help foster a friendship. It’s almost like a Jedi mind trick; if you’re doing a favor for this person, you must like them.

But remember that this takes time. This is why regularly scheduled events are helpful for moving through the stages of friendship; a structure of when and how you’re going to spend time together makes it much easier, rather than trying hoping the Gods of Scheduling will smile upon you this day.

Oh, and one more thing: much like romantic relationships, not all friendships are going to be life-long ones. Some friendships are temporary, and that’s ok. Some people are only in our lives for a little while; that doesn’t mean that this time is worth less or that their impact on us doesn’t mean as much. So don’t worry about duration or quantity when it comes to your friendships. Look for quality – of both people and of the time you spend together – and you’ll be much happier.

Good luck!

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’m a guy in my mid-twenties. All my life I was/am pretty shy, very passive when it comes to interacting with other people, needed a lot of time to open up, overall that guy that only speaks if it is spoken to. Being in a relationship or going to dates is out of the question.��Around two years ago I started attending bachata classes (and afterwards also picked salsa and kizomba). I wanted to learn how to dance, to stop using excuses when I’m at a wedding or some event. I felt the need to socialize after some lockdown restrictions were lifted but I would be lying if I didn’t recognize that I also wanted to make myself more appealing to women and find my special someone. With some of them I succeeded and some not that much.��Now when I’m at a “civilian” event I’m very confident in regards to dancing, I feel the rhythm and move my body just fine. When I started attending classes I made a conscious effort to socialize and got myself a small but tight group of friends. Over time I got some positive feedback from women: “you are my favorite leader”, “I feel safe dancing sensual bachata with you”, “you dance so well and can lead me in elements I never did before”, “with you I can be myself and fool around during a dance”. But this is where my successes end. I heard both the “women don’t attend hobby classes to find a partner” and also the “you should attend a hobby class if you want to find a partner”, I tried asking out some colleagues if I was vibing with them and felt that it was mutual but I was always rejected and before you say “women don’t like to be hit on when attending hobby classes” I’ve seen plenty of colleagues starting dating and it makes me question “wtf I’m doing wrong? why do they have success and I’m not?”. In the overall dance scene I’m having an even harder time, I’m a regular at the local dance parties and attend lots of festivals outside my city. I’ve seen people constantly hooking up in the scene and I’m like “how????”.��Lots of men are wondering “where to go to meet women” and I found the answer for myself but I don’t know how to do step 2. I have no idea how to even start a conversation, most of my talk is “do you want to dance?” followed by “thank you” at the end. I’m not the type that enjoys talking during the dance but afterwards I would really like to get to know some of these women and I can’t even make myself to ask them their name. It’s like I’m so close yet so far.

Two years later I’m still going strong and I don’t see myself dropping dancing any time soon. I love the music and developed an appreciation for what the artists have achieved. I get excited every time I learn some new move and I’m constantly trying to improve my technique. The reason I dance changed but this last nugget is still bugging me. In regards to interacting with women I’m a lot better now but is still so underdeveloped. Any sort of advice or encouragement you could give me?

Thank you,�The Mute Dancer

DEAR THE MUTE DANCER: First and foremost, TMD: congratulations on becoming such a skilled dancer and getting out of your comfort zone! That’s really admirable and you should be rightly proud of how much you’ve accomplished.

I would also point out that what you’ve been learning – leading, rhythm, being aware and in control of your body and how it moves through space – is going to make you damn sexy. Part of the reason why women like a guy who can dance is that level of physical confidence, sensuality and control that comes with being skilled at dancing.

Now, this isn’t precisely the question you asked, but I want to address something you brought up in your letter that I feel is important:

“I heard both the “women don’t attend hobby classes to find a partner” and also the “you should attend a hobby class if you want to find a partner”

This is something that tends to trip a lot of people up, in part because the advice seems contradictory. And to be fair, I could be clearer when I’ve brought this up, so clearly I’m part of the problem.

Both of these are true, but as with most things, there’s important context.

If you’ve read me before, I’m sure you’ve seen my talking about “finding your people” or figuring out where the people you most want to date like to hang out. You may have also seen me talk about how shared interests help bring people together and that exploring your interests that bring you in contact with like-minded folks helps you expand your social network and exposes you to more people who you may click with. This is why I’m an advocate for going to meetups or finding events that match up with your passions.

But the way you conduct yourself at these becomes important, and it makes all the difference between “women at $CLASS aren’t there to find a date” and “take $CLASS to meet women”.

The thing that folks get wrong about a lot of “where to go to meet women” advice is that often what many folks are looking for is a – for lack of a better term – “target rich environment”. The problem is that lots of dudes go to dance classes or yoga classes or any of the other usual places that people toss out there, not because they’re interested in yoga or salsa or what-have-you, but because there’re lots of women. They tend to try to treat the hobby space like a sex ATM. They’re the ones who are cruising around like horny sharks, rather than actually participating in the class, and making the people who are there to learn how to dance or wanting to work through their asanas uncomfortable.

Most folks who are going to those classes are there because they’re interested in the classes themselves. They’re not there to get a date or a partner or to find someone at that class to hook up with. A dude who rolls in there who clearly doesn’t give a s--t and who’s shotgunning his way through the conventionally attractive members is disruptive to that, and enough of them will kill the vibe of the whole endeavor for everyone.

But if those same participants – the ones who are there specifically for the class – were to have a brief chat with someone in the class who’s also clearly there to learn and discover that they’re a charming and friendly individual and they have fun talking? They may well decide that they’d like to grab a coffee or some ice cream after class and keep the conversation going. And that may lead to something deeper. You would be hard pressed to find someone who’s single and up to mingle who wouldn’t find think that was a wonderful meet-cute.

The difference between those two examples is that one is artificial and disruptive, while the other is organic and flows naturally from a place of shared common interests and not having an agenda outside of “you seem cool, we have fun talking… let’s keep the conversation going”. Just as importantly, the horny sharks are looking for something to stick their dick in; they’re not that concerned with the individual. Meanwhile the more organic scenario I mention is entirely contingent on those two specific people, not a “you’re cute enough, you’ll do”.

You are, very clearly, someone who is taking these classes because you want to learn how to dance. You get a lot out of it, you’ve devoted a lot of time to it and you’ve become very skilled at it. And while, yeah, you wanted to be more desirable to women – and there’s nothing wrong AT ALL with that, whether it’s your primary motivation or not – you’re clearly there for love of the dance. That’s going to count for a lot, since it speaks to what you’re actually there for.

So does the positive feedback you’ve been getting. “I feel safe dancing sensual bachata with you”? “With you I can be myself and fool around during a dance”? That’s huge. That’s some first-class, high level praise and it says that you’re someone who’s safe but not boring. That’s all very, very good, and that tells me that you’ve made serious progress at your goal of being more desirable to women. You’ve nailed two of the most important qualities right there. Attraction and arousal can’t exist without feelings of safety and comfort. If they feel comfortable enough to dance in a sensual way with you or feel like they can be genuine and even a bit goofy while you all dance? King, you’re more than halfway there.

The difference between you and your colleagues – I assume you mean in class, not at work – is likely the fact that you don’t talk much. “Skilled, aloof and mysterious” is great for gothic romance novels, but doesn’t work as well in real life. You’re not out there brooding on the moors after all, you’re out in the city, moving and grooving. If you want people to want more than a dance with you, you have to let them get to know you. And to do that, you’re going to have to start flapping your lips.

And honestly? You’re in a perfect position to do so. You have a whole host of conversation starters at your fingertips. “How long have you been dancing bachata?” “Do you dance other styles?” “I haven’t seen you at these before; is this your first time?” The important thing is that you just get the conversation going and keep it going.

Now, there’s good news and there’s less-good-news. The less-good-news is that you need to work at overcoming your reticence at initiating conversation and getting over the “I don’t talk to anyone unless they talk to me first.”

The good news is: you have already proven you can do this. If you can take even a little of the dedication that you applied to learning to dance – and becoming a damn good dancer – then you can learn to be more social and communicative. As with dancing, it’s a matter of learning and practicing the basics and then adding on as you get the hang of things.

The key here is to just start taking opportunities to interact with folks without needing to be prompted, first. The good thing is, if you’re going about in public, you’ll have plenty of opportunities to do so. When I was trying to get over approach anxiety and trying to be more social in general, I played “lost tourist”, asking strangers for things like “hey, is there a Starbucks/ATM/whatever nearby?” until I was less uncomfortable going up to people I didn’t know. As I got used to that, I would switch that to “hey, are you local? Is there a good place around here for Thai/ Tex-Mex/barbecue”? From there, it moved to trying to spin that into a very short conversation – no more than a couple minutes, until I was used to just… being more talkative while I was going about my day. It became something I just did.

(Incidentally, asking for opinions on local barbecue in Austin is a good way to get locked into a conversation that’s going to go a LOT longer than 5 minutes. People feel VERY strongly about barbecue here. And even more strongly about breakfast tacos.)

Just as with dancing, if you start working on speaking up and initiating conversations and keep at it, it’ll go from something you have to consciously think to do to pure muscle memory. If you can, say, start making a point of having even a brief – even just a simple “hey, I’m TMD, how’s your night going?” – conversation with folks, you’ll start breaking through that wall-o-silence you’ve been behind all this time.

Give people the chance to get to know you, TMD. Let the conversation start and the connection build. Before long, you’re going to feel confident enough and empowered enough to say “hey, I’m going to grab a coffee after this; would you like to join me?”

And then you will be one of those success stories you’ve been envying.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com