Ask Dr. Nerdlove

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’m an almost 37-year-old female virgin who is in good shape, makes good money, owns my own home, and considering my social awkwardness has a large circle of similarly weird and intellectual friends. But I badly want to be married and have a biological child or two, and time is running out for that to happen. The issue is that I have literally never once in my life experienced mutual attraction.

I’ve always been shy, nerdy, awkward, over-analytical, and had deep niche interests, so much so that I had myself officially tested for autism a few years back, but I’m apparently neurotypical. I also have a lifelong secret fantasy of being sexually dominant with a man that I despair of ever putting into action. I see myself as average-looking, neither attractive enough for my looks to be a significant plus on their own, nor ugly enough for them to be a significant minus if a guy likes my personality, but I may be overestimating my own attractiveness based on the reactions of guys whom I thought were in my league.

I like shy, nerdy, gentle-seeming men whom I can imagine pushing down and ripping the clothes off and making whimper. But every one I’ve ever encountered who wasn’t already taken has ignored me, and gently or soft-rejected me on the rare occasions I got up the courage to ask them out. Typically they seem to end up with more conventionally hot, outgoing women. Conversely, I’m repelled by dominant, outgoing, conventionally manly men; I can deal with them as friends, but can’t shake the feeling that they have more potential to be abusive or unfaithful in a relationship, and can’t imagine opening up to them sexually even if they’re physically attractive. The thought of being sexually dominated by a man is pretty equivalent in my mind to being raped. And the only men who have ever shown romantic interest in me have been those dominant, outgoing men who weren’t even physically attractive. I’ve even been in several situations where a man I’ve rejected has become aggressive and stalkerish, which for a woman who has never even had a relationship just feels comically, cosmically unfair.

I’ve kept detailed journals dating from around when I first started noticing boys early in high school, and I’ve spent the last month or so reading back through these and adding up all my disappointments. And I’ve objectively determined that so far in my lifetime, there have been 31 guys I’ve liked who haven’t liked me (8 of whom I asked out and was rejected by; the rest just ignored me, often when I was making every effort to get them to notice and like me short of actually asking them out); 13 guys who’ve liked me whom I haven’t liked (3 of whom got scary when rejected; the rest took it decently); and a grand total of zero guys I’ve liked who have also liked me.

(This is only counting in-person interactions; I’ve tried various dating sites and apps, but it’s just been more of the same, i.e., I only get messaged by men I’m not interested in, usually because they seem too macho, too conservative, and/or not intellectual enough, and none of the ones I message or match with are ever interested in me.)

I’m not looking to achieve any kind of epic body count here; I just need one compatible, mutually attracted partner for the rest of my life. What steps can I take to make that happen within the next year or two?

Only Want What Can’t Have

DEAR ONLY WANT WHAT I CAN’T HAVE: Attraction and compatibility are complex and wild beasties, OWWICH, and it’s important to remember that there’s rarely a single reason why anybody does or doesn’t struggle with meeting someone.

However, there’re a couple areas that tend to be the most common sticking points when folks have a difficult time finding a mutual match.

One is, obviously, presentation. The thing folks often don’t get about attractiveness is that it’s at least partially artifice. Someone can look model-hot when they’ve got a full face on and they’re dressed to the nines, but be absolutely unremarkable when they’ve just rolled out of bed or are dressed to go for a run or hit the gym.

Average looks often really means “average presentation”; a change in style, grooming or make-up can be transformative. So one thing that may help for you is to work on your look and style. What you’re doing now may be functional, but it may not evoke who you are as a person or play to your best aspects. It may also simply not signal to the people you’re most interested in. If you’re a domme in potentia, but you’re dressing like an office worker even in your off days, you’re not sending those signals to potential submissive men about who you are and what you’re about.

There’re a number of options for you to work on your presentation; this is an area where women are a bit luckier than men, since y’all have a head start on it being permissible to say “I need to learn how to do this”. I’d suggest trying to decide the sort of vibe or sexy archetype you feel resonates the most with you and look to start inhabiting it. Going someplace like Sephora or Ulta and asking for some advice on make-up that will help evoke those vibes can be a good start. So too would looking at styles on Instagram, Pintrest and elsewhere to give you a starting point that you can use as a baseline.

This is also going to be about attitude. Look at some of the characters in geek circles who get the “please step on me” crowd going. Lady Dimitrescu dresses like a lady of means from the 20s and 30s, but her demeanor (and, admittedly, size) is what draws people in and makes them say “punish me, I’ve been bad”. The same blend of confidence, authority and control is part of the appeal of both overtly domme-coded characters like Bayonetta and less-overt ones like Susan Ivanova. The more you cultivate and can inhabit that sort of character, the more you’re going to find folks who vibe with it. You don’t need to be going around barking commands or reminding people that Thou Shalt Not Question Ivanova’s Orders, but carrying yourself with that same level of attitude will go a long, long way.

Another thing to consider is what I tell people all the time: if you want people who are of a certain type, figure out where those folks are most likely to hang out and spend time there. Now, you say that you’re interested in submissive men who are into dominant women. Well, the most obvious place to start, in my opinion, would be to get connected to your local kink community. You’re going to have a much easier time finding submissive men looking for a dominant woman in an area where those submissive men have already pre-selected themselves than by going around hoping to find them by random chance.

Do some research – Google may be a decent starting place, but I’d also suggest specific subreddits and even Fetlife – and find a munch (an informal kink community get-together) in your area and join them. Getting more connected in the kink scene and making friends there will not only help you hone your desires to be the top in your relationships, but also help you connect with guys who are looking for precisely what you’re offering.

And as a bonus, if you start learning more about kink, topping and BDSM, you’ll feel more confident in yourself and in going after what (and who you want). Those more submissive guys aren’t always going to volunteer themselves or leap into your path and beg you to step on them. Sometimes you’re going to have to be the one to make the moves that draw them in. If you’ve had some experience with being the dominant in a scene – even if kink and BDSM isn’t necessarily where your interests lie – you’re going to feel more empowered to make the first move, especially in ways that some of those guys are going to respond to. Confidence and courage, after all, are about attitude and self-belief. If you know what you are capable of and what you’re worth, it’s much easier to say “ok I’m into you, let’s do this,” rather than having to build and build up to the point of being able to say something, only to find out that they’ve already been asked by someone else.

Now, to be sure: this is going to take trial and error. As with anyone who is trying to find their true, best self, you’re going to experiment with things that may not work out for you. That’s perfectly normal and it’s part of the process. You have to be prepared for some dead ends, some false starts and learning that some of the things you thought you wanted weren’t what you needed. But by learning how to best express and inhabit your true self, you’ll make it that much easier to find the folks who are looking for precisely what you offer and how to draw them in.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’m a 31 year old woman. Ten years ago I was diagnosed as autistic, which explained a lot about my social life (or lack thereof). About five years ago, I discovered what asexuality was, and that also answered a lot of questions. On the one hand, I thought “oh, so I’m not broken! There’s a reason I’ve never wanted to kiss anyone.” On the other hand, I thought “oh, I was *very* in love with that person in high school, wasn’t I? And I just didn’t realize because I thought you had to want to kiss someone to be in love with them.”

To make a decade-long story short, I’ve finally graduated from college this year. Emotionally, mentally, academically – in every conceivable way I’m doing the best I ever have. I’m really proud of what I’ve accomplished.

And, I would like to date. But I’m honestly not sure how. My social circle consists of classmates all at least a decade my junior. I’ve tried online dating before, but if I wasn’t getting just the worst unicorn hunters in my DMs I was trying and failing to find an app that worked for asexuals. I’m not even kidding that if you google “asexual dating app” the response is “did you mean *sexual* dating app?”

As far as romantic orientation, I have no clue what I am. I guess I’m theoretically panromantic – in hindsight I definitely had pretty intense crushes on people of multiple genders in high school. But hormones do funny things. I haven’t really had a crush since, but until very recently I also haven’t been around people enough that I could have developed a crush, I think. 

I’d like to get out there! I’ve done the work, I’ve grown a ton in the past decade, I’m living my best life, and I’m finally in a place where I know and understand my sexual orientation and I’d like to explore dating. But I have no clue where to start. I feel like I’m at a crossroads composed entirely of dead ends.

Sincerely,�Ready to Launch

DEAR READY TO LAUNCH: I’m glad that you’ve been doing the work and getting to a place where you’re feeling confident and ready to give something new a try, RTL! That’s an exciting time, and it’s going to be an interesting adventure for sure.

But of course, there’s the complication of just how to get started when you’re not even sure about… almost anything about your sexual and romantic orientation. And to be sure: those can be different – some people are bi (or pan)sexual but primarily heteroromantic (that is, they mostly form romantic connections with someone who’s a different gender from them), while some may feel sexual attraction for one gender, but form romantic connections with people across the gender spectrum, or almost any combination thereof. And as you’ve discovered: just because you’re asexual doesn’t mean that you don’t also feel romantic love for people, and you can be aromantic without being asexual.

Now, it sounds like what you’re most interested in is figuring out more about who you are and what (and who) you want from a relationship – which is entirely valid! In practice, what you’re going to want to prioritize are potential partners who are going to be patient, giving and understanding that you’re still in a discovery phase. How do you go about finding them?

There’re a few options. One thing I would suggest is that, as someone who is at least potentially panromantic, to look into LGBTQ social groups in your area. If you’re in a college town or one of the larger, more liberal cities, you’re much more likely to find groups that are specifically for helping local queer people meet each other and connect. These are often based around activities – an LGBTQ amateur sports league, pub quiz teams, hiking and biking orgs and so on – that allow for people to get to know each other in low-key, low-pressure environments that don’t feel like meat markets. Taking the chance to get to know people, build connections and relationships with them and see who – if anyone – floats your boat without feeling the need to make things happen will be a good start.

That low-pressure environment is going to be important. You’re still figuring things out. The last thing you’re going to feel like you’re somehow obligated to hook up or declare someone your new one and only, especially if you’re not sure how you feel yet.

Another option is to get back on the apps, but with a different outlook than you had last time. I know I’m the guy telling people to let online dating be a supplement to how you meet people, not the primary method. But for someone in a situation like yours, it’s going to be one of the more reliable ways of finding a larger number of people who are a) the most likely to understand what you’re looking for and b) have more of an understanding of what dating you would be like.

One of the benefit of dating apps is that you have more opportunities to fine-tune what you’re looking for and give people a heads up in advance to what dating you would mean.

Of course, the tricky aspect of this is that – as with allosexual people – part of having success on a dating app is finding the one where you’re going to find the people who are most compatible with you. Since most folks are going to be allosexual, that can make things challenging.

But challenging isn’t the same thing as impossible.

Now, there are some ace-oriented dating apps out there, like Taimi or HER. The biggest drawback to specialized apps is that they may not have the critical mass of users that make them a viable option. I’d certainly recommend checking those out and see if they work for you, but I would also suggest that you are going to want to be a little creative.

Some apps that focus on less traditional, less heteronormative relationship models, like #Feeld may be one way for you to go. #Feeld is aimed at people looking for non-traditional relationships, like polyamory or kink. These tend to be communities where you will find people who are more versed in the wide array of human sexuality and the importance of open and clear communication. While nothing’s guaranteed, and you can find assholes anywhere, the people in these communities are much more likely to understand asexuality and be more prepared to date someone who’s ace.

I’d also suggest trying OKCupid. While OKC isn’t what it was back in its glory days before Tinder, it’s still very much the 500lb gorilla of dating apps, and one that has more options than something like Hinge or Bumble. It has options that allow you to list yourself as asexual, gray-ace, demisexual and in-flux, as well as to search for people who are similar to you. You also have opportunities to use the prompts to discuss what you’re looking for and what you’re not open to. While this isn’t going to rule out the time-wasters who don’t read your profile, it does mean that you’re going to signal to people who are worth your time that you’re here, you’re single and ready to mingle. The wrong people will self-select out, one way or another. You want to make sure the right people can find you.

One thing to keep in mind is that, if you’re not sure precisely what or who you’re looking for, then be open to giving things a shot. If someone seems like you’d get along well with them, chat a bit, make a pre-date date and see how you get along in person. If you dig them then hey, great! Propose a proper date and see how things go. Just make sure that they understand what ace means and what you’re open to at that time. If not, or you realize that they’re not of the gender you’re attracted to? Wish them well in their search and move on.

Now in all cases, it’ll be important to be clear about what you want, what you’re open to and what’s a hard “no” for you. If you’re open to trying sex with someone, make sure that they’re someone who you can trust and who understands what this will mean – how you do or don’t experience desire, and so on. If that’s a hard no, then that should be something they should know as well, so that you and they don’t frustrate one another.

However, whichever way you decide to go, remember that strong boundaries are what keep the time-wasters and wanna-be predators away. When the unicorn hunters show up – and if you list yourself as any flavor of bi or pan, they likely will – don’t bother even responding to their emails. That’s just a waste of your time, and interacting with them only f--ks with your algorithm. Swipe left, delete or block if need be.

Similarly, if you do go on dates with folks, don’t let other people try to dictate to you what you should or shouldn’t be doing or what your orientation “means”; you know yourself better than anyone else, and only you get to define those aspects of yourself. Don’t listen to “well if you were REALLY bi/pan/whatever you’d do X, Y or Z”; that’s just someone trying to manipulate you into doing what they want, without a care for your feelings or needs. If someone makes you feel pressured or uncomfortable, you are well within your rights to speak up and say so. If they don’t respect and prioritize your comfort, you have the right to deny them access to you and you can leave them behind with neither guilt nor shame nor worry.

Most of all: take things at a pace that you’re comfortable with. This isn’t a race, you don’t need to make up for lost time and you don’t need to play catch-up. You are on a journey of self-discovery, and it will take exactly as long or as short as you need. If you’re interested in trying a sexual experience with someone who you think is worth it, then by all means. But if you feel like you need time to decide if that’s something you want to try or to bother with at all? That’s up to you, and someone who’s worth dating will understand and respect that.

This is an exciting time for you, RTL, and I hope you’re going to have an amazing adventure while you learn about yourself.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’m a 20-year-old who has always struggled to make meaningful connections with others. I wouldn’t say that I’m socially anxious or awkward, but I find myself holding back when it comes to making friends. I often feel like I’m stuck in the phase of casual acquaintanceship and don’t know how to move past it.

I’m afraid of overstepping boundaries and mistaking being friendly and polite for something more than casual acquaintanceship. I only speak when spoken to and don’t know how to initiate conversations or invite people to hang out without feeling like I’m imposing.

The problem is that I haven’t had anyone that I can call a friend. All the people in my life were mere acquaintances, and nobody ever called me unless they wanted something from me. I’m tired of feeling lonely and want to learn how to make genuine connections with people

I see many people especially the males in subreddits like these complain about their inability to find a romantic partner, I am here worried about never finding a genuine connection, not even a platonic one. I am not particularly interested in Romance, and have no plans on getting married and starting a family. Sure, having a romantic partner without the burden of kids and marriage would be a cool thing, but it isn’t at the top of my priority list. 

I would also like to add that I am not socially anxious or anything of that sort, I am also not the stereotypical NEET gamer who stays in his mom’s basement jerking off to hentai and munching Cheetos, while gulping down Mountain Dew that comes to mind when thinking of problems such as these. I study data science at a fairly reputable university and am optimistic about my career prospects.

So, I’m reaching out to you all for advice. How do I make friends and move past the casual acquaintanceship stage? What are some tips for initiating conversations and inviting people to hang out without feeling like I’m imposing? And most importantly, how do I know if someone is interested in being more than just a casual acquaintance?

I appreciate any that you can share. Thank you!

Looking For Group

DEAR LOOKING FOR GROUP: First things first, LFG: I hope you read what I just wrote to The Mute Dancer yesterday. You’re going to need to do is start getting used to being social and to take the initiative, rather than waiting for other people to do so for you.

Part of connecting with people, whether for friendship or romance, is giving them the chance to know you. That can’t happen if you aren’t willing to open up and show that you’re friendly. While I understand why you tend to be withdrawn – you’re worried about bothering other people – the fact of the matter is that folks can’t learn who you are if you don’t show them. So the first key is often giving them that chance. Being willing to make the first move by starting the conversation shows that you’re actually interested in getting to know them, and that invites reciprocation.

The first thing I would recommend for anyone who wants to be more social is simply to be curious about people. Who are they, what brought them here, what’re they into, what makes them tick? The phrase “interested is interesting” may be a cliché, but it’s a cliché for a reason. We rarely meet people who genuinely want to get to know us. Think of how good it would feel for someone who wanted to know more about you, for no reason other than they think you’re interesting. That feels pretty damn good, and if you make folks feel good, they’re going to want to spend more time with you.

The next thing I recommend is to simply practice being social. I’ve written a lot about how you can build your social skills, but looking for opportunities to initiate brief, surface-level conversations is going to be a big part of that. You don’t need to overthink the conversation starter; you can start a conversation with literally anything. Kids understand this; they see someone’s wearing a Minecraft shirt or carrying a backpack with a Creeper on it, say “hey, you play Minecraft” and they’re off to the races. That doesn’t have to end, just because you’re in your 20s. Even just saying “hey, is that a Spider Gwen hoodie? That’s really cool!” is an opening bid for a conversation.

This, incidentally, is where learning how to be comfortable with small-talk can be important; small-talk is effectively a bid for commonality; you’re looking for those minor points of commonality that make it easier to transition to the deeper, more meaningful conversations most folks want to have.

But working on your social skills and being more talkative in general is the start. After all, you can’t make friends without talking to them first. The next part requires more investment. See, there’re three factors that affect whether or not you develop a relationship with someone, romantic or platonic.

The first are common interests; we like people who are like us. Opposites attract, but not for very long. Similarities make people stay.

The second is time. Friendships are built over time. I’m sure you’ve seen the various studies that say it takes 30 or so hours to become acquaintances, 50 to become friends and 300 to become best friends. There’s a lot of wiggle room in the exact amount of time, but this is correct overall; the more time you spend with someone, the more connected you feel to them. You get to know them, you see them repeatedly and a sense of connection and affection builds. Part of the reason why it’s so easy to make friends when we’re kids is because we have nothing but time. We make friends at school precisely because we’re spending 8+ hours a day there; that 300 hours passes very quickly under those circumstances.

That’s harder when you’re a grown-ass adult, with adult responsibilities. This is where regularity and repetition become key. If you’re trying to connect with folks, it’s a lot easier when you see them on a regular basis; this is part of why work has become the default source for many people’s social lives. But if you can find other opportunities to see folks on a regular basis – a weekly open mic at a coffeeshop, a regularly scheduled game night, a class – the easier it is to build and maintain a relationship.

The third factor is openness and vulnerability. If you want to make genuine friends, you have to let them in. That means being willing to get real with them. This part can be scary; being open and vulnerable runs the risk of oversharing if you’re not used to it, and it means risking rejection or showing someone the places where you’re most easily hurt. But that’s going to be true about any close relationship. Closeness can’t exist without trust and openness. When folks feel like you’re holding them at arm’s length, they don’t feel like you trust or like them and they’re going to pull back too. It needs to be a two-way street.

So how can you put this into practice in your circumstances? First, the same thing I tell folks looking for romantic relationships: find out where your people hang out and spend time there. Find ways to do the things you love or are passionate about with other people and make that a regular part of how you spend your time.

Next, get curious about the other people in the group. Have those minor conversations – hey, how’s your week going, what’ve you been up to, etc. Being curious is good; if you want to be great, be curious and remember the little things. Part of what makes Tom Cruise more magnetic than an unshielded MRI is that he always made people feel like they were the most fascinating people on Earth. Part of Bill Clinton’s charm was that he remembered all the seemingly insignificant things about the people he met. He’d ask about people’s kids or inquire about something they mentioned once before; the idea that he was paying attention even to those minor details made people feel valued and validated.

Next: be the planner. Organize activities – things that you would want to do anyway – and invite folks to them. This could be anything from getting folks together to watch the UFC match at a bar to a cookout at the pool at your apartment, a tabletop gaming night… the point is to get people together and spend time doing fun things. Don’t worry about the number of people who show up; just focus on enjoying yourself and helping the people who do come have fun.

You can also invite folks to stuff on a one-on-one basis. The easiest and lowest risk ask tends to be “hey, want to grab a beer after?” and just hang out. A mix of group events and one-on-one hang outs is a good way to cultivate and build relationships with a lot of people and figure out who you click the most with. Don’t forget: chemistry is important for friends, too.

Don’t worry too much about impositions. Asking folks to hang out isn’t a big deal. You’re hardly asking them for a hundred dollars or a kidney or something. If they’re not available or interested, they’ll say no. If they’re interested but can’t make it or would rather hang out another time or place, they’ll likely tell you. But simply saying “hey, would you like to do $COOL_THING isn’t going to make anyone think you’re an asshole or whatever. That’s just your own anxieties getting in the way.

As you talk with your new potential buds, let yourself be real with them. You don’t want to drop your deepest secrets on them or open up about your long dark nights of the soul, but letting yourself be genuine will go a long way towards fostering a stronger, more meaningful connection with them. Even a “honestly? Work’s been kicking my ass and I’m kinda burned out and wondering about quitting” as a reply to “how’s it been going?” can be a level of openness that many people wouldn’t expect.

In fact, this can be a way of leveraging the Ben Franklin effect. You can ask for advice or a suggestion about something that your potential friends would be able to help with. Since we do favors for our friends, getting a favor from someone can help foster a friendship. It’s almost like a Jedi mind trick; if you’re doing a favor for this person, you must like them.

But remember that this takes time. This is why regularly scheduled events are helpful for moving through the stages of friendship; a structure of when and how you’re going to spend time together makes it much easier, rather than trying hoping the Gods of Scheduling will smile upon you this day.

Oh, and one more thing: much like romantic relationships, not all friendships are going to be life-long ones. Some friendships are temporary, and that’s ok. Some people are only in our lives for a little while; that doesn’t mean that this time is worth less or that their impact on us doesn’t mean as much. So don’t worry about duration or quantity when it comes to your friendships. Look for quality – of both people and of the time you spend together – and you’ll be much happier.

Good luck!

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com