Ask Dr. Nerdlove

DOCTOR’S NOTE: Today’s letter deals with talk of self-harm and suicide

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: After working constantly as well as being with my kids, I have this horrible feeling of exhaustion. I live alone I’m a studio flat and I work. I love writing and doing music but my life has become an endless mix between children and work. Personally I wish I could just be with the children all the time.

Anyways, I just feel wasted and a little pointless, like the amount of effort to keep functioning and pushing my willpower seems simply now worth it, and I have this growing feeling that I wish I could die and start again or just stay asleep and not wake up.

To get past that point, my second thing is I would not like to request a step by step thing on dating. Now how does any of it work, what do you and how does it even begin? Should I even bother, despite my loneliness, when I don’t have the time in my life. But my biggest fear is putting partner above my kids like my dad did and then seeing him, honestly, looking pathetic about it and being desperate. Plus I don’t want to look like one of those old miserable couples.

One silver lining, after leaving the mum of my kids after a couple of years I slept with one person and it made me realise that sex is supposed to be good. Before that I just assumed that it was something that was just alright. Aha, how depressing right?

To get on a proper positive quote, here is one of my favourite quotes.

“In the depth of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer.”��Searching For Summer

DEAR SEARCHING FOR SUMMER: Um… my guy, I think dating isn’t what you need right now. While I don’t think you need to be in perfect shape, mentally, emotionally or physically to date, you do need to be in good general working order. This is important not just for finding a partner and making a relationship work, but also so you don’t do damage to yourself in the process. And at this moment, I think focusing on dating would hurt you far more than I could ever help.

Here’s the thing: all that talk about being tired, everything feeling pointless and wanting to sleep without waking up again? That’s depression talking. No, seriously. Everything you’re describing in the first couple paragraphs of your letter are symptoms of depression.

That alone suggests to me that maybe you’re not in the right place to be dating. Dating can be stressful and frustrating at times, and that can exacerbate the depression you’re already feeling. Plus, depression blunts our feelings, our ability to enjoy things or even to be fully present with people we care about. That’s going to affect the quality of the connections you’re trying to make with people, your ability to enjoy your time with them and their ability to enjoy their time with you.

But then you dropped hints of suicidal ideation and that is the point where I immediately cut the list of suggestions I had for getting back into the dating scene. This isn’t the time for dating, this is the time for healing and getting that depression under control.

The lack of passion, interests or even motivation, the exhaustion and numbness… all of these are going to interfere with trying to meet and foster a relationship with someone. Even if you could do all the mechanical actions perfectly, your heart will barely be in it. You’ll have a harder time putting yourself out there, taking full advantage of the opportunities to meet people that present themselves, or even show up with your best self.

Worse, you’ll not only find it much harder to give dating or meeting people your best effort, but you won’t want to. It’s hard to give something the time and energy it deserves when you’re already half-convinced that there’s no point to it or your heart’s just not in it. People will be able to tell, and that’ll damage the chances of making the connection you want. And worse, that feeling of meaninglessness and exhaustion means that you’ll have a much harder time recovering from mistakes or setbacks.

And, like I said, that’s before you dropped hints of self-harm. That’s the point where your mental health should shoot right to the top of your priority list, especially as someone who has kids.

I think right now, dating should be put on hold, so you can help yourself and get yourself to a place where not only is the world not grinding you down, but you can continue to be a dad and enjoy your time with your children to the extent you and they deserve.

If it helps, think of it as rehabbing an old injury or getting in shape – just emotionally, rather than physically. Thinking of this as the mental aspect of getting into fighting trim and making yourself a better, more desirable partner who’ll have an easier time dating than you would have now can help add extra motivation beyond, y’know… not feeling like the world dull and grey and that life is an endless slog of disappointment and meaningless drudge work.

Get yourself to a therapist now, especially with those thoughts about self-harm. Therapy, medication, even just talking things through with someone will all go a long, long way to getting your depression under control. And don’t let fears or misgivings about needing antidepressants or other psych meds keep you from getting help. I speak from personal experience: the drugs don’t just work, they can be life changing. As the saying goes: if you don’t have your own serotonin, store bought is fine.

This can – and likely will – take time. It can take time to find the right combination of medication and dosage, the right therapist and even for the therapy to start making significant changes. This is where thinking about it like rehabbing a sports injury is helpful. Yeah, it can take longer than you would prefer to recover, but the alternative would mean getting back on the pitch too soon and risking even greater injury, even a potential career-ending one.

Taking care of your mental health and getting to a better place, emotionally, is important. Dating will still be here when you’re ready. And when you are, I have a whole lot of resources to throw your way that’ll help you get back into the scene and meeting awesome people. But you can’t do that when just the burden of existing is almost too much.

Take that time so you can make it through that winter and reach your invincible summer. After all, to get there and not be able to enjoy it would be a true tragedy.

You’ll be OK. I promise.

All will be well.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I am a long-time reader of your column and I really appreciate your advice for men who can’t find love. I’ve finally gotten to a point where I’m ready to write in and get help.

I am a 29-year-old man with a fairly active and vibrant social life and a good career I really enjoy. I make a good living, my friends are wonderful and my life is pretty good. But there’s clearly a problem, right? Well, I can’t get a second date to save my life, and I suspect it may have something to do with my height. Standing at 5’5″, I am below the average height for men in my country.

I want to stress that this isn’t just about women online talking about wanting tall guys or commands to “swipe left” on Tinder if I’m not six feet or more. I’ve talked to women, when we were talking about dating struggles and starting to flirt when they specifically mentioned how they prefer ‘tall, dark, and handsome’ men or jokingly commented that I’d be ‘perfect’ if I were a bit taller. Just last month, I was on a date with a woman I was genuinely interested in, and she commented that she was surprised she liked me, because she usually only dates guys who are taller than her. I know she didn’t intended to be hurtful, but comments like that make me feel inadequate and less desirable.

This feeling of insecurity about my height is something that I struggle with, despite knowing that I have other qualities to offer. I am well-educated, have a good sense of humor, am genuinely interested in others, I connect with people easily, am told people love spending time with me and I make a conscious effort to be kind and respectful. Yet, I can’t seem to shake the feeling that my height is a hindrance in the dating scene.

I would appreciate your perspective on this. Am I just too short for women? How can I navigate the dating world with this apparent handicap? Any tips or advice on how to deal with being short, or even just how to stop worrying about it, would be greatly appreciated.

Sincerely,

Dwarfs Need Love Too

DEAR DWARFS NEED LOVE TOO: Before I get to the meat of your letter, DNLT, can I point something out? I’m not going to deny that being below average height can be a handicap; that’s a thing people do encounter out in the dating world. However, I can’t help but notice that it seems like you’re letting fears about not being tall enough snatch defeat from the jaws of victory.

You have an example in your letter of being on a date with someone who said, directly, that she was really into you to a level she didn’t expect. That’s what you want, man. Yeah, the way she phrased it was… inelegant at best and sounded like a left-handed compliment. But while the way she said it hit your anxiety button, consider the situation. This wasn’t some rando on TikTok or Reddit talking about men in general or some stranger at the bar saying she likes tall guys. This was a woman who was on a date with you, which is already a good sign that she’s at least willing to give it a try with you. But more importantly, what she’s saying – that she’s surprised by how much she likes you – is what’s important. What she’s saying isn’t “you’re too short but you’ll do for now”, what she’s saying is “I took a step outside my comfort zone and I’m really happy I did”.

That’s the reaction you want, my guy. One of the reasons why I’m increasingly encouraging people to put more emphasis on meeting people in person, rather than on the apps, is because it leaves more room for serendipity. On the apps, it’s very easy to get tunnel vision and focus entirely on what we think we want. When we meet people in person, we open ourselves up to the possibility of meeting someone who may not seem like a good match on paper but who turns out to be a great match after all.

In fact, there’re a lot of folks out there who met their partners in person and have said “if I came across him on Tinder or Hinge, I might never have gone on a date with him”. While that may sound insulting, it’s more of an reminder that we’re more than just our stats, our profiles and our pictures; we’re universes unto ourselves and when people fall in love, they fall in love with the holistic self, not just our vital statistics. Apps expose you to more people, sure, but they flatten people from complex, three-dimensional beings to lines of text and the ability (or lack thereof) to take a decent photo.

Now those other women, the ones who say that they prefer tall, dark and handsome or that you’d be perfect if you were just a few inches taller? Well… that’s not really a value judgement on you. Think of it another way: I’m sure that there’re women out there who you think would be a great girlfriend or wife, but there’s just something about them that doesn’t quite click for you. I’m sure you’d agree: that doesn’t mean that they’re flawed or unloveable, just that they’re not right for you. You’re not into them and that’s ok. To paraphrase… well, me, attraction isn’t Mjolnir. Someone’s attraction, or lack thereof, doesn’t measure your worthiness, even though it can feel that way

And if they’re someone who can say “you are literally everything I want in a man except for the fact that you’re 5’5”, sorry” then all that’s happened is that they’ve demonstrated that they’re not right for you. Ask yourself: do you really want to date someone who can take all of the qualities that make you a desirable partner and decide that they need someone who’s taller, instead? Someone who’s willing to toss aside a great partner and instead choose someone taller but not as great a guy?

That’s not somebody you want to date. They’ve shown you, through their actions, that their values and priorities don’t line up with yours. It’s a sign that this is a them problem, not a you problem. If everything they want in a dude is less important than his being X inches taller than them, then that just means that they prioritize superficial qualities over deeper ones. And who wants to date someone like that?

Hence my focus on the woman you were on a date with. She looked at you and said “ok, he’s not my usual type but there’s a lot there and I should give him a try.” And lo and behold, she dug you! This is what you want.

Yes, “I like you despite your not being my preferred height” can come across as hurtful, and I’m not saying you’re wrong for being stung by it. But it’s more akin to saying “I thought this was what was important to me, but it turns out that X, Y and Z are more important and are why I like you.”

So, y’know, it’s a good idea to get out of your own way sometimes.

To that end, let’s be honest: yes, some women prefer men who are taller than you. But there’re also going to be women who prefer men who have different jobs, different lifestyles or different religions/philosophies about children/whatever. There will always be folks who just aren’t going to be into you, no matter what you do. There isn’t any good reason to focus on them; the amount of time and energy it takes to try to move from “active dislike” to “disinterest” and “disinterest” to “kinda likes you” isn’t worth it.

Also, in the name of being honest: you can’t do much about your stature. Yeah, there’re folks getting leg-lengthening surgeries to get a couple extra inches of height, but those are incredibly expensive, incredibly, cripplingly painful, absurdly risky and means that you’ll be spending months to years in physical therapy and rehab afterwards with no guarantee that it’ll give you the results you want.

Instead, I think you need to embrace who you are and what you are. There’s no shame in being a short king – God knows it’s not stopping Bruno Mars (who, I might add, is your height). Conveying confidence and comfort in your own skin is going to be way more attractive to women than letting random people’s opinions live rent free in your head.

Now, being shorter than average doesn’t mean that you can’t convey presence more than height. The way people perceive you is more important than the reality.

Dressing well, with clothes that fit properly (you want a slimmer silhouette and clothes with more structure, rather than baggy and slouchy looks) will make a shocking difference in how folks perceive and remember you. This is especially true when you emphasize aspects of your build that aren’t your height. I end up coming across as being taller than my actual 5’8” height because I tend to put emphasis on the broadness of my shoulders and chest.

Similarly, being willing to be seen and take up metaphorical space goes a long way to affecting how people see you. Confident body language (head up, back straight, shoulders back but relaxed, arms loose), a willingness to own the space around you and carrying yourself with the self-assuredness you believe you’d have if you were 6’ makes a real difference.

That being said, please notice very carefully that you don’t need to be big in attitude. Part of why guys who are shorter than average feel less attractive is because of toxic ideas about what makes a man a man. In fact, what turns women off about short men tends to be either the men’s obsession with their own height or the performative combativeness and aggression in an attempt to make up for a perceived lack of masculinity. A short king who’s comfortable in his skin and gives no f--ks – see Mars’ video for Uptown Funk for examples – is going to be way more attractive to women than a guy picking fights or insisting his date can’t wear heels.

Another thing to consider is that dating apps aren’t going to be as good for you as just meeting people in person. When you meet folks in person, it’s much easier for them to get to know you and see how awesome you are and fall for that awesomeness. For many, that will be enough to spark their interest. And for some? Well, you may be an unexpected surprise. You may not be their usual shot of whiskey, but that just makes you more unique and more special – you’re so damn hot that they had to make an exception just for you.

That, to my mind, is more validating than thinking “well, I guess she didn’t mind my height that much”.

Oh and one more thing: consider talking to women who’re taller than average. Women get the opposite problem that short men do – tall women often find guys don’t want to date them because they don’t want their girlfriends or wives to be taller than they are. Someone who doesn’t ask them to try to play down their height or doesn’t throw a fit if they decide to wear their favorite heels? That’s going to be a welcome change from what they usually hear.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I have been dating my gf for over a year now but it’s been rough. We have quite a few issues, and she had a bad previous relationship, one where she was abused and hurt badly. It’s been a rocky road; we argue about something every day or I get irritated because she thinks I’m looking at other women when I’m not.

She’ll do this if I’m just trying to work out, I try to tell her I’m not and she doesn’t let it go unless we talk about it then and there which is at the gym when I’m trying to train for my competition.��She seems to be self-conscious about herself which I have been trying to help her out with and is not going well. She is constantly asking if any women were at the gym that day, when I never spoke to them. It’s frustrating when I’m not doing anything wrong, but she gets jealous and upset over someone I never met or even talk to. Mow mind you, I’ve always had female friends and have lots of friends; I’m a friendly person.�But it’s like if I try to make friends with anybody though she gets upset and that causes issues.��I wanted to go party, as I’m 21 and she’s 28, but she would get upset when I tried and always thought the worst. Now she did get diagnosed with depression, which I have been trying to help with but it weighs me down and when she comes to the gym. I can’t talk to my friends without her getting upset, I can’t hype my friends up or cheer for random people like I used to, and people notice I’m not myself with her around. Now granted I get mad and yell in an argument a lot because I’m tired of all of the constant having to worry about when I’m on social media or who I’m texting or anything, because she’s constantly checking my online status and location. If she gets on her phone, I get bored so I get on mine then she asks what I’m doing and I give a snarky tone because it feels like I can’t go on my phone without her knowing what I’m doing. Meanwhile I never ask her what SHE’S doing.

I haven’t seen my friends from my old job or college friends or friends from high school in so long, and it feels like she’s always asking who I’m texting.

It’s so much and its overwhelming and she thinks somethings always wrong when I’m just relaxing and always says my face looks like I’m unhappy, and maybe I am but it’s frustrating when I have to deal with her constantly upset or sad about something that never happened.

She’s constantly dreaming about me cheating on her or me leaving her, and I’ve been late to work many times because I’ve had to talk to her and reassure her. I don’t mind reassuring her but it’s just I’m late for work, then I can never get a good workout in when she comes to the gym with me as I have to talk to her constantly about her not having to worry and she never feels good enough.

She says and she’s constantly comparing herself to other women in the gym. She is over weight for her height which I’ve tried showing her I love her for, but she doesn’t fully believe it, I’ve tried helping her lose the weight but after the gym, she wants to eat fast food which doesn’t help. It’s a lot going on and we got our own place together, and we are going to Vegas in July, and she bought me expensive subwoofers and knee sleeves which I bought her a couple things but nowhere near that much.

I just don’t know what to do as everything is booked and I’m kind of unhappy. I think as its taxing and I don’t know what to do everyone else says I should break it off and I think I want to. I just don’t know how as when she cries it’s hard for me.��She does a lot for me though she cooks my meals and cleans the house which I help a lot as well as it should be and I’m always willing to help. I like talking to new people as she does not and she’s constantly asking what these new friends male or females would add to my life and I don’t like that question it sounds manipulative.

Please Help I’m suffering and don’t know what to do.

Should I Stay or Should I Go?

DEAR SHOULD I STAY OR SHOULD I GO: OK I’m gonna skip right to the TL;DR: HOLY HOPPING SHEEP S--T GET OUT OF THIS RELATIONSHIP. Dump her so fast that you travel back in time, and then dump her again before you ever have a chance to let things get this far. Cancel the trip to Vegas, break the lease if you can and GET THE HELL AWAY from this woman. This isn’t going to get better; it’s only going to get worse.

Now let me explain why you need to get the hell out, SISSIG: this is an incredibly toxic, emotionally abusive relationship and you are being abused.

Your girlfriend has more issues than Action Comics, and she’s making them your problem. Everything you describe – the jealousy, the interrogations, the demanding to know who you talk to and when – all of these are examples of abusive behavior. She’s constantly keeping you in a state of unease and ensuring you always feel off balance around her. You can’t ever relax, be yourself or otherwise just be, because you can never be sure when you’re going to either have to talk her down from a depressive moment, from an irrational jealousy spike or if you’re going to accidentally step on a landmine and blow your day to hell. Insisting you can’t go out to parties? Keeping tabs on who you talk to, demanding that you account for your every conversation of the day? These are isolating tactics and it’s done, in part to keep you away from anyone who might be a threat to her control. After all, if you were around folks she didn’t approve of, then you might be hanging around people who might tell you (correctly) that she’s 20 lbs of bad news in a 5 lb sack.

And this is before we get to the part where she’s continually, actively interfering with your ability to just work or go about your day. Demanding that you talk her down because she had a bad dream and you’re not able to leave the house until you’ve reassured her that no, you didn’t cheat on her in her sleep? Holy f--kballs dude, that’s goddamn bonkers. None of this is normal, none of this good and – importantly – none of this is your responsibility.

I’m gonna repeat this, and I want you to take this in: this is not your fault and this is not your responsibility. This is all her, this is unacceptable and you shouldn’t be putting up with any of it.

I also want to emphasize that she has no excuse for this behavior. It’s a damn shame that she was diagnosed with depression. I know how depression lies and how it f--ks with your head. That doesn’t excuse any of this. Some of what you describe also sounds a lot like Borderline Personality Disorder, especially the seemingly intense fear of abandonment or being cheated on. A lot of current theories on BPD suggest that it may be the result of past trauma and I have a lot of sympathy for folks who struggle with it. But none of this – not her previous bad relationships (abusive or not), not her depression diagnosis, none of it – excuses, mitigates or changes the fact that the way she’s acting is unacceptable.

Now I get that you’re an empathic guy and you genuinely want to help her and you genuinely care. But here’s the thing: you can’t. You can’t help her. Not because you’re not good enough or because she’s uniquely broken or unsaveable, but because you are not a doctor. You are not a therapist, a counselor, a social worker or anyone who’s trained to handle mental health issues. You’re her boyfriend, and it is not your job, nor you responsibility to save her or fix her.

And I want to underline the part about responsibility here because that plays a very important role. She is trying to force you to take responsibility for her emotional state. She’s trying to make her issues – her paranoia about being cheated on, her self-image, her abandonment issues – yours. That’s not what a good partner does. She’s just outsourcing her anxieties onto you and using them to keep you under her thumb. And that needs to stop. None of this is your fault, none of this is your responsibility. It’s one thing to say “hey, I’m feeling a little insecure today, could you love me a bit louder?” It’s another to just unload every anxiety, personality disorder and trauma onto another person and say “here, now deal with this or else.”

And here’s the thing, SISSIG: this isn’t going to get better. It’s only going to get worse. I’m sure it sucks when she cries or throws a tantrum over the idea that you might leave her, but you know what’s gonna suck even harder? Living with this for a second longer. I want you to ask yourself: how long are you willing to put up with this, knowing that it’s not going to change? A month? A year? Ten years? How long are you willing to be held hostage to her moods, her tears and her demands that you account for your every second of every day?

I wish to whatever deity you care to name that you’d written to me before you got a place together because holy f--kballs that’s not the last thing you should do, but it sure as hell was towards the bottom of the list. Depending on who’s name’s on the lease and what the tenant laws are in your area, you could be stuck with her until the lease runs out. As it is, that’s going to make leaving more complicated and possibly much more damaging, financially.

But if you can at all, then I think you should go. Now. Not tomorrow, not next week, today. Call your friends, pack up your s--t, leave your key on the kitchen counter and then talk to the landlord. The longer you wait, the more she is going to leverage her feelings, her trauma and your own good will and empathy against you.

Now notice that I say “leave” before I say “break up with her”? That’s because you’re going to want to break up with her from a good remove, my guy. You have a hard time confronting her, especially when she weaponizes her tears and her feelings against you. That’s understandable. So take those away from her. She can’t use those against you if you’re not there.

Normally I’m a “you owe your partner a face-to-face break up” kind of guy, but there’re always exceptions. This is one of them. If you try to break up with her, in person or on the phone, then she’s going to try to guilt you, scare you and manipulate you into not going through with it. That’s why you need to treat this break up like a throwing knife: short, to the point and flung from a distance. You send one (1) text saying that it’s over and not to contact you again, and then you go take the nuclear option: you block her on everything. You block her number, you block her email, you unfriend and block her on every form of social media you have and every one you know she’s on. If you have a login for it and it has some sort of messaging system, you block her. You make sure she has no way of contacting you or getting in touch with you.

Now I’m sure there’s a part of you that feels like this is too much and that you owe her something, since you do care about her. While your feelings do you credit, the truth of the matter is that there’s nothing to say here, and she’s already proven to be very good at manipulating you. The odds that she could pressure you into backing down or not going through with it are high. Anything you say that isn’t “Here’s the key, we’re done, see you never, if you need anything, hesitate to call” means that this is no longer a break up, it’s a negotiation. And one that you’re likely to lose. So you shouldn’t give her that chance. You don’t need to justify, you don’t need to explain, you don’t need to give reasons why or figure out her next steps. All you need is to end this relationship. You can leave a relationship for any reason at any time… and she’s given you far too many reasons. And it’s long past time to do so.

There may be parts of you that feel guilty. You may feel equally culpable because you yelled or got angry, or because you weren’t as good a boyfriend as you could be. None of that is true. Even if your being frustrated, yelling or being snappish with her weren’t entirely understandable, it still doesn’t balance out what she’s doing. This isn’t a both-sides situation, this is a “one person is being reasonable, one person is being abusive”. Because, again: this is abuse. It may not be calculated or intentional, but intent and calculation don’t make abuse; action does.

Get out of this relationship yesterday. Cancel the trip to Vegas, refund the cost of the subwoofer and leg sleeves if you absolutely must (in cash in an envelope that you leave behind when you move out) and move the f--k out. Dump her now and cut her out of your life like a tumor.

This is not your fault. This is not your responsibility. Get out now, because it’s not going to get any better until you do.

It’s hard, I know. Trust me, I’ve been there. But I can also promise you: it’ll be ok. You’ll be ok. Just do yourself a favor and leave, and then write back to let us know how you’re doing.

All will be well.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com