Ask Dr. Nerdlove

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’ve had a number of dates now with a really terrific guy. He checks every single box in terms of what’s truly important in my eye (politics, religion, lifestyle choices, etc). I’ve never dated anyone I had this many important things in common with. Every time we’re together we have great laughs and terrific conversation, which I really enjoy. And he’s so kind! I recently had a bad fall that resulted in an injury that required an ER visit and stitches. He wasn’t there for that, but when I told him about it, he was genuinely concerned and upset for me, and even told me that he got me a little something, a small gift, that he plans to give to me on our next date – which is this Friday.

However, in spite of all of this, I have been battling this awfully anxious feeling in the pit of my stomach. I’m prone to anxiety anyway, always was, so it’s not too surprising…but I just don’t know where this is coming from. I just don’t feel “gaga” over this guy. And for the life of me, I don’t understand why! I don’t get that tingly “butterfly” feeling in my stomach when I think about him. However, I do NOT want to break it off with him. I’m 33 years old, and it’s been monumentally rare that I find someone this much on the same page as me. I know I’m not going to find someone else like him in my lifetime. If I ended it, I really and truly believe I’ll be alone for the rest of my life. And he really is terrific, no exaggeration!

The reason I suspect these weird feelings to exist is because it has been literally almost 10 years since I’ve been in anything even resembling a relationship. So I’m trying to chalk these feelings up to “You’re out of practice…you’re not used to this…you got too used to talking to guys but never meeting…you got too comfortable behind the keyboard, so your mind almost doesn’t know what to do with this guy…” Does that make sense? Over the past 10 years, I’ve always wanted a relationship, but I guess I got too used to not being in one. I told him that it’s been a long time, that I’m majorly out of practice, and need to take things slow. Baby steps. And he seemed to understand that completely! Something else I’ve never had from any other guy!

Am I overthinking this? I’m a classic overthinker, so that could be the case. Given everything I’ve said here, what advice do you have for me? Not only would I not want to hurt him, but I don’t want to give in to these feelings and end what could be a wonderful and fulfilling relationship. If I just gave up, I really and truly believe I’d regret it!

I only hope he doesn’t pop out the “I love you” soon, because…I really don’t think I’m ready for that.

Can you help me let go of these feelings and just let things…just be?

Thank you.

Where Are The Butterflies?

DEAR WHERE ARE THE BUTTERFLIES: There’re a lot of possibilities that could be in play here, WATB, and it’s hard to narrow down precisely which one it could be – or even if it’s a combination of issues.

The first and simplest is: he’s a great guy but you don’t necessarily have physical chemistry with him. Which is certainly a possibility and one that is worth considering. It may well be he’s missing that X factor you need to find him sexually or romantically attractive. But Occam be damned, the fact that this is the simplest doesn’t necessarily mean it’s correct.

Let’s start with another obvious possibility: in the decade since you apparently last dated, you’ve changed. You’ve lived a life. You’ve grown, you’ve matured, you’ve had adventures and experiences and your perspective on life, love and the world have changed with you. And – critically – you’re not 23 anymore.

I mention this because that “tingly” feeling you talk about – the butterflies in the stomach, the nervousness, etc. – are symptoms of infatuation. Infatuation is equal parts excitement and uncertainty; you’re thrilled by the highs, but terrified by the possibility of the lows. You’re spun up by the newness and the novelty, but you’re also frequently feeling nervous or worried, in part because you don’t always feel secure in your connection with that person. And, to be sure, the nervousness heightens the excitement and passion, because excitement and nervousness feel the same; your heart pounds, your palms get sweaty while your mouth becomes drier than Ben Shaprio’s wife.

(Stick a pin in this part, we’ll be coming back to it.)

So while I won’t say you’ve “aged out” of the butterflies, I will say that a guy who is safe, makes you feel secure and appreciated, combined with having ten more years of life under your belt means that you’re going to be far less twitterpated over a guy… even if it’s been ten years between relationships or even a date. So it’s entirely possible that you’ve just entered a stage in your life when you’re not going to have that sort of excitement simply because you’ve lived and experienced more.

Another possibility is that perhaps you’re holding yourself back and not letting yourself feel excited about him. It’s been ten years of looking and then suddenly Mr. Right drops into your life out of the clear blue sky? And he seems to be so perfect for you that it’s like someone handed you a Ken doll and the computer setup from Weird Science and told you to design your perfect man? And you’re already prone to anxiety and overthinking? You might be entirely forgiven for wondering what the catch was or waiting for the shoe to drop.

There’s a weird – but normal – paradox to getting everything you want. If you feel like you don’t deserve it, or that it’s too good to be true, or that this is your only chance, then what often ends up happening is that you hold yourself back. After all, what happens if you let go, let yourself have a moment of hope and joy, only to get dumped? Or worse, find out that Prince Charming’s more of a toad than you could ever have realized? It’s a perverse form of emotional self-defense: keeping yourself from experiencing happiness and excitement in order to avoid crushing disappointment later on. Especially if you have a part of your brain that’s questioning whether you deserve this, or that’s convinced that anyone who you might like is secretly bad for you, somehow.

If you’re spending all your time questioning your luck – and wondering if it really is luck or a curse in disguise – then you’re not going to leave a lot of room for simply enjoying this. Doubly so if you’re also looking at this entirely in terms of “I need to make this work or else I’ll be alone forever”. It’s very hard to let yourself feel excited when you are coming to a relationship with a scarcity mindset. If you see a person as your last, best hope for pea…er I mean, a relationship, it becomes very difficult to feel excited about them. The recurring thoughts of “don’t f--k this up, this is the only person you could ever have a relationship with” are going to crowd out any sort of passion or excitement you might have.

Speaking of perverse paradoxes: another possibility is that he’s the nicest, sweetest, most considerate guy you’ve dated. Yes, I heard the needle-scratch of “wait, WHAT?” in your head but stick with me here. I’m sure you’ve heard the whole song and dance guys do about how “women only like bad boys” and how a woman will date a great guy but then go right back to dating some s--tty dude who treats her abominably. This has far less to do with “women just have a biological need to be treated badly” or “treat her mean, keep her keen” and far more to do with attachment styles. A lot of the whole “bad boy” thing comes part and parcel with anxious attachment – especially if someone didn’t have a stable or loving relationship to model their own expectations on. The anxious attachment, paired with a person who goes hot-and-cold or pushes people away, creates feelings very similar to infatuation – the nerves, the uncertainty, the obsessively thinking about them – and it’s very easy to mistake that for love or a positive relationship.

When someone who’s relationship history is primarily one of mistreatment, meeting someone who’s reliable, stable and giving feels weird. That lack of always feeling like you’re one misstep away from disaster, not always being on edge… that’s not a feeling you associate with love or relationships. When you’re used to uncertainty, security doesn’t always feel like relief; sometimes it just feels wrong. So it’s entirely possible that this is simply different from what you’ve experienced before.

Now, there’s one more possibility here. Remember what I said about how excitement and nervousness feel the same? Well, funny thing: that also includes sexual arousal. See, a quirk of the human condition is that we don’t actually understand why we feel the way we do. What happens is that our brains take in the sensations our bodies experience and decide what it means based on context clues. Critically, one of the things that it takes into consideration is the people around us, moreso than the activity that caused those sensations.

This is important, because the things that get your blood racing and arouse your cardiovascular system arouse other parts as well… and your brain will take on context clues to decide what you’re feeling.

If you were to go on a roller-coaster with, I dunno, let’s say with Henry Golding, when you get off the ride, you’re likely to find yourself thinking very sweaty thoughts about him. But as much as Mr. Golding is a very pretty man, those feelings are in no small part because your cardiovascular system was going off like the drum solo in YYZ. But because of how our brains work, your brain isn’t associating those sensations with having been on a roller-coaster, they’re associating those sensations with the company you’re with.

So if most of your dates with your guy are calm and pleasant? Well, your physical sensations will be fairly calm, which is not terribly conducive to passion or arousal. Excitement breeds excitement, which is why first date jitters often lead to feelings of interest – our brains connect those physical sensations to the person and interpret them as excitement and attraction, rather than nervousness.

So what you may need is a little less calm and a little more excitement. Fortunately, though, this is easy to create, consciously.

So here are my suggestions. First: look into mindfulness meditation. Yes, I realize this is an odd thing to suggest, but part of mindfulness is learning how to simply turn down the volume on your anxieties. By learning how to simply go “shhhhh…” to your mind, you learn to quiet the parts of you that are prone to over-thinking. If you can give yourself a break from the constant train of thoughts that lead you to scour every possible scenario or what-if, you give yourself more of a chance to just be in the moment with your beau. If you can quiet that part of your brain that thinks too much and, instead, listen to the parts that feel, you’ll be better able to be in the now and have a better idea of how you’re feeling when you’re with him.

Next: try different dates. Do things that are going to get your heart rate elevated, make you breathe harder or faster or just get you excited. This could be anything from going dancing to racing go-karts, hitting baseballs at a batting cage or a friendly Skee-ball competition. Hell, going to a ballgame and getting caught up rooting for the home team or putting tiny bets on horse races would do it – anything that gets you excited and bouncing with energy. You’ll be surprised how much that will transfer over to your feelings with him.

But also, remember that those “butterflies” aren’t indicative of love, just excitement and nerves. Love isn’t “bouncing around with anticipation until he texts you back”, it’s “I trust you to be there when the worst happens”. It’s “I feel safe and secure with you and feel comfortable being vulnerable.” And it’s “I have a hard time imagining a life without you being in it.” Not in an idealized way – romantic vacations, houses with white picket fences full of kids and the like – but the simple feeling of knowing that they’re there, even if they’re not physically present with you.

Yeah, it’s entirely possible that, while great, this guy isn’t necessarily the last great love of your life. That’s true of anyone you’ll date. But don’t mistake the high of infatuation or the excitement of the new for love. Otherwise you will risk missing out on something amazing.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I stumbled across one of your videos on YouTube once, which bought me to your website and your articles. They seem interesting and gives me different perspectives on romantic relationships.

Now today I want to know what you think of phrase “Beauty is subjective”. I have been told this for as long as I remember and can’t help but disagree; most couples I have seen in real life are equally attractive. My friends and I can agree on which girl is attractive . Which has bought me to the conclusion that beauty is not subjective.

(Sorry for any mistakes English is not my 1st language)

– Some Dude from India

DEAR SOME DUDE FROM INDIA: Beauty is absolutely subjective. While there are some things that are relatively universal – primarily outward signs of good general health and high levels of facial symmetry – what is considered to be beautiful is highly variable and incredibly dependent on cultural and sociological factors. All you have to do is look through history and different cultures and what they find desirable or what they would do to be more attractive. As recently as the 19th century, blackening your teeth was considered to be a mark of beauty in Thailand. Body modification, from tattoos (Pacific Islanders), lobe stretching (South American and African tribal cultures), scarification (too many cultures to list), wigs (England), fake moles or beauty marks (France), foot-binding (China) and so on were all ways that people would enhance their attractiveness.

Other signifiers of beauty were about class and socioeconomic status. In America and Europe, the most desirable looks coincided with the behavior of the aristocracy. When lots of money meant living a life of leisure and rich foods, being heavier was in style. Being pale – often enhanced with makeup – was in vogue because being tanned meant that you were a laborer who worked outdoors in the sun. Now skinniness and being tanned are more desirable in part because it signals that you have the time to devote to exercise and laying out in the sun – something that folks living paycheck to paycheck often don’t have.

Race and associations with it play into this as well. Asian men – especially but not exclusively East Asian men – are seen as less attractive because of cultural narratives in America define them as “less masculine. African women, especially ones with darker skin and more sub-Saharan features, are treated as less desirable or even masculinized.

Similarly, we can see the way specific features are praised or elevated over others. Northern European features tend to be held up as being the standard of beauty while more East Asian, Semitic or sub-Saharan features are seen as being less desirable. The same goes with skin tone and color – skin-whitening products are incredibly popular in Asia. Hair is also treated differently, whether it’s body hair (more is good, no less is good, where you have or don’t have it matters) or the hair on your head. People with tight curls and coarse hair texture are marketed products to flatten and straighten their hair, while people with straight, fine hair are sold products to give their hair more volume and body.

Even body types and musculature vary. If you look at who gets held up as a great beauty in pop culture, starting in the era of silent films, you can see how beauty is as much about what’s in fashion. Boyish figures with narrow hips and small breasts were all the rage in the Swinging 20s, while the bombshells of the 30s and 40s had curves like a mountain road. Hell, even muscularity is dependent on fashion at the times; if you look at the “beefcake” of the 80s and 90s and compare them to Zac Effron in Baywatch or any of the Marvel Chris’, there’s an absurd difference.

In fact, pop culture is one of the most prominent ways that beauty standards are transmitted. As American and European movies and television were exported, more and more people would increasingly adopt American beauty standards because… well, because it was being sold over and over again as “the most beautiful”. It’s hard not to take those standards on board on some level when you see it over and over and over again, and when other cultural influencers adopt them in order to increase global appeal.

This is also why it’s considered revolutionary for Lupita N’yongo to talk about being proud of her skin, or for African-American women to have natural hair – it’s pushing back against culture that says that these are bad things and that they should conform to different standards.

There’s also the fact that what we perceive is influenced by how we feel about an individual. The more we get to know somebody, the more they become attractive to us, even if they’re not conventionally good looking. Studies have found that while people in a community or group will have an initial consensus about who’s attractive or not, over time that consensus disappears, and uniqueness and idiosyncratic differences become more pronounced and more important.

But it’s also worth noting how much individual tastes are going to vary. For everyone who swears that Kim Kardashian is the hottest thing since World War III, there’s someone else who wouldn’t fuck her with a borrowed dick and Megan Goode doing the pushing. To some, the Burt Reynolds of the 70s was the height of masculine beauty; to others it was David Bowie, and to still others it was Yul Brenner or David Cassidy or Billy Dee Williams.

I’ll also point out that what’s true of your immediate social circle isn’t necessarily proof of anything other than that this is what your social circle believes. It’s not surprising that you and your friends generally agree on what women you see are attractive; friends tend to have shared values and interests and that frequently includes looks. Different groups of friends may well have different answers than yours.

But I suspect that if you all go off on your own and make lists of who you think are attractive before coming back and comparing them anonymously, I think you might find that you have people on your list that your friends would be surprised by, and your friends would have ones that you would be surprised by. And you or your friends may even find some people attractive but keep it to yourselves for fear of what your peers might say.

Here’s the thing though: ultimately the standards of attractiveness that matter the most are what make someone attractive to you. They may line up with what society (currently) says is desirable, or it may be as unique and individualized as you are. It can be helpful to examine your preferences and what you find attractive and ask why that’s so. But at the end of the day, you’re the only person who can say what you’re into and what you’re not into.

Whether or not that lines up with everyone else’s ideas of is far less important.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I found you after Googling around for help. My friends haven’t been able to help me with this, but maybe you will. I’ve been in what I guess is a situationship with someone for about half a year now. We met on Hinge after I’d decided to start dating again after the pandemic basically killed my last relationship. I didn’t necessarily want to leap into something, but I at least wanted to find something with long term potential. Well on our first date we had really intense chemistry and ended up hooking up that night – something I didn’t expect but I really didn’t mind. It was hot, they were hot, I liked taking a risk like that when I usually take things really slowly.

Now I’m wondering if that was a mistake, because that seems like most of what we do. When we get together, which seems like every couple weeks, it’s usually because they message me and want to know what I’m up to. I try to initiate contact, plan dates, invite them to get together to do stuff, but they’re always busy or seem like they need to see what’s up that week. Occasionally we’ll go out when I invite them, but most of the time it’s up to them where we go and what we do. I don’t mind not making all the plans, but it seems like we do the same thing every time – get drinks, maybe dinner and then go back to their place to have sex. We hang out there, watch TV or a movie and then either I sleep over or I go home in the morning when I get up.

At first it wasn’t so bad. I was still feeling weird about my last relationship so maybe some low stakes sex was what I needed. But if I’m honest that wasn’t what I wanted. I think it was more “this is what I should do” more than anything else. But I like them and when we get together, it’s fun. They’re great in bed and I enjoy my time with them so it’s not like I don’t get anything out of this. But it kind of feels like I’m being held at arm’s length. At first I thought I liked having my independence and being able to do my own things without having to coordinate schedules or plans, but it seems like we have NO plans except when I hear from them. There’re times I feel like if I didn’t message them first, I might not hear from them for a couple weeks. But when I do, sometimes they want to talk and we chat, other times I get just single sentences or just “LOL” or emoji reactions.

Like, last month, I realized how little I know about them. I don’t know their favorite song or what they were like as a kid or anything and what I do know is all stuff that came up because of our dates. I know their favorite drinks or meals but really little about where they went to school or what they think about like politics or movies or whatever. They don’t avoid talking about themselves or change the subject or they’re living some double life with a secret family in Florida or anything but we just never seem to have any really meaningful or personal conversations. We just seem to talk about whatever’s going on or what movies we’ve seen and stuff. 

I think what made me finally decide to write is because I tried to talk to them about what we were doing and where this was all going and they said “I don’t really like talking labels, I just like taking things as it comes.” Which I get, but I feel like I’m spinning my wheels here. But when I start thinking that maybe of getting back on Hinge and suddenly they’re blowing up my phone again.

I’m not sure what to do here. I know you’re probably going to tel me to break up with them but I like them and I have fun when we’re together. It’s when we’re apart that I think and my friends agree that I’m wasting time. It just feels like I’m left hanging whenever it’s just us or something I want. I don’t know. Is there some way to break out of this rut we’re in? How do I move this relationship forward?

Stuck In Neutral Maybe?

DEAR STUCK IN NEUTRAL, MAYBE: I’m going to start with what seems like a digression, SINM, but stick with me, I promise this is going somewhere.

I want to confess something: at the risk of going full-bore “Old Man Yells At Cloud”, I hate the term “situationship”. No, seriously, it makes me grind my teeth, in part because I find it to be a very cutesy way to describe what’s ultimately just a casual relationship. To me, it feels like someone doesn’t want to say that they’re just hooking up or in a casual, no strings FWB situation and so they apply a cutesy label on it to make it feel more… real or significant or meaningful. Which, to me, says more about the people using the label than anything else – a casual relationship, like a short term one can be just as real, significant and meaningful as one where you’re on the marriage-2.5-kids-and-white-picket-fence track. The fact that you aren’t looking for a lifelong partnership or that this isn’t going to lead to something “real” doesn’t make it lesser or less important to the people in it. So “situationship” sounds to me more like people who are more concerned with what others think about their relationship than what they think.

But the other reason why it makes me grind my teeth – and again, this is just my personal pet peeve here – is that whenever I see people bring it up, it’s always in a negative context. I have yet to see people talk about how much they like their situationship. What I usually see – and I’ll freely admit, with my job, I mostly see or hear about relationships when they’re NOT working – is that people who use the term “situationship” often mean “I feel uncertain about what we have, but I don’t want to risk things by talking about it.”

Which brings us to your issue, SINM. It sounds to me like this is more or less where you are: you’re in what’s ultimately a casual relationship that isn’t meeting your needs in significant ways. Now to be fair to you, you have been trying to communicate your feelings about this to your… hook up? Situation partner? Dunno what term would best sum it up. But it seems like they are determined to not discuss it. And frankly, why should they? It seems to me like they don’t really have any incentive to do so and every reason not to. They see you on their schedule, you do mostly what they want and they get to go on their merry way, doing their own thing.

If this was what you were ultimately after, then this wouldn’t be a problem. But it’s not. So here you are, trying to get some certainty, from someone who seems to have a vested interest in not providing any because it might change the status quo. I suspect that they know damn good and well how you feel and what you want and… well, I hate to say it, but it seems pretty clear to me that they don’t want that. I think they like this no strings, no commitment and – importantly – no investment relationship. But as soon as they get a hint that maybe you’re getting ready to move on, they dangle just enough interest to keep you around.

So, you’re not wrong, I do think you should dump this person. Leaving aside that what they’re doing isn’t cool – not the worst thing in the world, but definitely not cool – I’m honestly not sure that there’s any there there. You have good sex and you enjoy hanging out with them when you see them, but it seems pretty clear you have needs that aren’t really being met here. And with so little of substance between you – no indication of shared values and ambitions, no future plans, no deep connections besides just good sex – I’m not sure that trying to call the question would work. If you were to sit down and push for a Define The Relationship conversation and they quit playing games and took it seriously, I’m not sure that you all would last another six months.

Sure, you two have some crazy chemistry, but chemistry in and of itself isn’t automatically a good thing. Chemistry can lead to hot sex, but chemistry is also when the resulting reaction means toxic gas or explosions or things catching on fire. So chemistry by itself is important, but you need the right kind of chemistry. Ask yourself: if sex were off the table, never to return, how long would you enjoy spending time with them? Would they be someone you’d want having a prominent place in your life, or just someone you want to see on occasion… if that?

If it’s the latter… well, I think you’d be better off giving them the old heave-ho. If it’s the former… I still think you should move on, but I can at least understand why you’d want to give it an old-fashioned college try. But I think that if you do call the question and refuse to take a non-committal shrug for an answer, I think you’re going to just end up in the same place. I’ve said before, in other contexts, that no answer is an answer, and that’s what you have here. Yeah, you’re getting words, but those words are empty. They’re sound and fury, signifying nothing of importance. They’re flack clouds trying to prevent you from making an ultimatum that they’re trying to avoid.

So I think the big question is: how much longer are you willing to sit in limbo? If you’re hoping to find a longer-term relationship or one that’s more serious, are you willing to spend more time on this person? Time you could be using to find someone on the same page as you?

If you’re cool with the just-sex-and-surface nature of the relationship or a little longer, then you do you; you can exit this ride at any time and at least now you can see it for what it is. But if what you want is something more serious than a “situationship” and with someone who’s willing to at least talk about your relationship in good faith, I think you’re just signing on for more frustration and more of your time taken.

It sounds to me like you want the latter, and you’re not going to find it here. Drop this person, let them find someone who’s in the market for what they’re offering and you go find someone who’s right for you.

And next time? Don’t be afraid to have the “where is this going?” talk sooner rather than later. It’s better to risk the relationship and know where you stand than to end up in a mushy middle that doesn’t give you what you need.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com