Ask Dr. Nerdlove

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’ve been a reader for a very long time and you’ve given so much great advice over the years! I’ve taken much of it to heart and have put in a lot of work to improve my life in so many ways. My friendships are far stronger, I have interesting hobbies, consider myself fairly attractive, and am a far more confident person!

My dating life has had to be placed on the back burner because of my work and school situation. See, I majored in chemical engineering which was extremely difficult and left me with very little time to meet people and date while in school. I also graduated, moved to a new city, and then the pandemic hit which also meant that I had no way to meet people and date. Last year, I really focused on building up a social circle through my city’s salsa dancing community and incorporating tons of what I learned from you. Because of only focusing on that, I now have a rock solid group of friends focused around something I really enjoy. I’ve even taken up the role of group planner and planned several trips with everyone and am considering becoming a volunteer organizer within my dance organization!

I really want to focus on my dating life now and get a better handle of what I want in a partner and how I can be a better partner myself. Because of my major and the pandemic, I haven’t really had much of a chance to date. I’ve only had two very short relationships back in high school, one of which was abusive. I am 26, still a virgin, and nervous around sex. I also have this huge fear of romantic rejection that I am actively working on getting over. It’s taken some time, but I can at least ask a woman out without needing to drink several shots to not feel scared.

Here’s where my predicament lies. I recently accepted a job that will have me moving countries every 2-3 years. It’s an absolute dream job for me, and this is a once in a lifetime opportunity. I am worried that finding a partner is already difficult because of my lack of experience, gigantic fear of rejection, and nervousness around sex. I really want to gain experience with both serious and casual dating. I am in a bit of a catch-22 because I have so much built up fear that I feel would be easier to get over with someone I was a bit more serious with, but really just want to date casually for the time being. Dating apps have not been a successful avenue for me because I am a man and extremely short at 5’1.” I feel as if I need someone to kind of hold my hand through everything I am scared of, just once or twice, and then I will have so much more freedom since those types of social situations will be less foreign to me.

Ideally I would try to start a casual relationship with someone I was already fairly close friends with because at least I’d trust the person and feel less scared. My rejection fear tells me that this is a terrible idea and will ruin my social circle by introducing some weird drama. I logically know that this is unlikely, but it’s hard to ignore my mind screaming at me whenever I consider this.

Any thoughts on how to conquer my fear, gain some comfort, and handle dating while nomadic are appreciated! Keep being such a wonderful source of help!

Sincerely,

Dating Dancing Nomad

DEAR DATING DANCING NOMAD: First, I’m glad you’ve made so much progress, and you should be proud of what you’ve accomplished. I’m also sorry that you were caught in an abusive relationship in high-school. That is unquestionably part of what’s affecting you here. But that’s only one part.

Now, I want to qualify all of this by saying that what you see as an ideal starting point isn’t a bad thing. However, I think that a lot of what you see as an ideal, or the sorts of relationships you’re hoping for aren’t going to work out the way you would hope. This is in no small part because you’re coming to them from a place of fear and, to a certain extent, misunderstanding.

This is important to recognize, because the whole “can’t always get what you want/ but you can get what you need” thing is true. So too is “sometimes the best gift the gods give are unanswered prayers”. It’s entirely possible to get what you want and realize that what you wanted was the wrong thing or that getting it made things worse, not better.

So I think part of what you need right now is to face the fears and anxieties first, to overcome them and let them pass through you, so that you’re not making decisions based off those fears.

Here’s the problem you’re facing: you’ve basically created a long series of imaginary problems that you’ve convinced yourself that you’ll inevitably face and let them be the reason why you “can’t” do something. Then, to make matters worse, because you’ve created those obstacles in your head, the only way through would be solutions that you also invented. And since our brains treat what we imagine as real, you’ve more or less forced yourself to constantly experience rejection and worst-case scenarios and solutions that are even riskier and more upsetting than the problems they’re supposed to fix.

You have, for all intents and purposes, been hurting your own feelings for no good reason whatsoever.

Now here’s why this is a problem: these worst-case scenarios you imagine, and the solutions you’ve imagined for them have become a significant handicap for you because they’ve become a reason to avoid the things you’re worried about. This is entirely understandable; anxiety, in a perverse way, is a way that our brains try to protect us. Yeah, it makes us f--king miserable… but “safe” isn’t the same as “happy”. If one form of misery keeps us from the supposed danger our anxiety is keeping us away from, then as far as that part of our brain is concerned, it’s done its job correctly.

But the problem is that avoiding the things we’re afraid of actually makes those fears worse.

Like I said, it’s an understandable part of human nature to want to avoid unpleasant experiences, including things that we’re afraid of. But what we’re often trying to avoid – especially when we’re talking about non-physical fears, like a fear of rejection – are the feelings those events cause in us. This includes the very unpleasant feelings, physical and emotional, that come with fear and anxiety. As we try to avoid those feelings, we often end up fearing those feelings too… and so we try to avoid things that might make us feel them.

This is why avoiding the things we’re afraid of rarely helps. If anything, avoidance makes things worse. If we take your example – a fear of rejection, fears of ruining things by asking a friend on a date, and so on – what we have are a series of reasons for you to not do those things. The longer you continue to avoid doing them, in the name of not triggering those fears and anxieties, the easier it becomes to keep not doing them… and that causes those fears and anxieties to grow. Avoidance is a maladaptive system of handling anxiety, and all it does is increase the things you’re anxious about, until even things that are tangentially related become triggers.

Between the scenarios you’ve imagined and the tendency to avoid anything that smacks of them, you’ve functionally forced yourself to live in a zone of “safety” (with big sarcastic quotes) that just keeps shrinking as time goes on. It’s a sort of negative reinforcement; you’re in a situation where you feel afraid and anxious, you get out of that situation and feel relief. But since relief comes from getting away from that situation instead of confronting and pushing through, you train yourself to try to avoid the situation. That then increasingly becomes the response to any fear or anxiety trigger – avoid it, feel better.

This isn’t entirely unreasonable. If you’re afraid of drowning, staying out of the water makes sense. But when those anxieties are tied to things that you want – like, say, dating – avoidance just sets you up to live in that zone of safety that just keeps getting smaller and smaller, while the feelings of anxiety just intensify.

So what do you do about this? Well, first of all, I’d recommend therapy – specifically cognitive behavioral therapy. CBT has a pretty solid track record for dealing with anxiety issues and phobias, as well as intrusive and unwelcome thoughts regarding those anxieties. Think of it as retraining your brain and undoing the conditioning that you’ve been inadvertently creating.

The next thing I would suggest is creative visualization. Remember what I said about how our brains treat what we imagine as having really happened? Well, that cuts both ways. The worst-case scenarios you imagine aren’t visions of the future, they’re things you are making up in your own head. That means you control them… including how they play out. So rather than thinking of all the ways things could go horribly wrong, you want to take those moments and start to consciously imagine them going well. Hey guess what, women you meet at parties are happy to see you and think you’re cute and intriguing! The cutie you see all the time at Starbucks is single, ready to mingle and has an interest in salsa dancing!

Yeah, it seems really goddamn woo-woo to just say “visualize it and you’ll make it happen”, but what you’re doing isn’t “manifesting” success, it’s changing the operant conditioning that you’ve been exposing yourself to. You’re just retraining your brain to not be your worst enemy in these cases. Even something as simple as “going into interactions with new people with the assumption that they already like you” helps with this.

But the most important thing is that you have to teach yourself to stop avoiding these situations. Even having someone hold your hand isn’t going to help – not in the way you hope. What that’s ultimately going to do is get folded into the way those anxieties hit.

Let’s choose virginity as an example. You could lose your virginity next week, if you wanted. All; you’d have to do is find an independent sex-worker, fill out her screening information, put down your deposit and book an appointment. If you wanted to avoid any legal risks, you could fly out to Reno and go to one of the legal brothels; most of them will even send a car to pick you up at your hotel or at the airport as part of the service. You pay the fee and boom, no more virginity.

But will that actually make you feel better? Or worse? I suspect the latter, because this isn’t about just being a virgin, it’s what you see being a virgin says about you. I suspect that what would ultimately happen is that you’d see this as either not counting or that it’s even more shameful because you “cheated” or “had” to pay, instead of being “chosen”.

This is why, at the end of the day, even with the benefit of therapy, visualization exercises and everything else, what you’re ultimately gonna need to do is just stop avoiding the things you’re afraid of. There’s only one way out, and that way is through.

There really aren’t any shortcuts. Someone holding your hand to walk you through it isn’t going to do it. Therapy and visualization help, but at the end of the day, you’re still going to have to confront those fears head on, pass through them to the other side and realize that they no longer have a hold on you.

And here’s a truth: you can’t avoid rejection; everyone gets rejected. Nobody, and I mean nobody goes 5 for 5. Some people just aren’t going to like you, no matter what you do, and that’s OK! It’s neither something to be feared, nor is it the end of the world, nor is it a measure of your value or desirability as a man. The hottest male celebrity you can think of has gotten shot down like a pilot who wants to get home from the war so he can kiss his newborn son. Multiple times.

There’s only one way out, and that’s through. Do the therapy, get things under control. Face your fears. Take a chance, fall on your face, get back up and try again.

That’s how you beat your fears and how you win in the end.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’ve been married to the love of my life for over a decade now.  He is by far the best thing that ever happened to me.  He’s my favorite person in the world, and I absolutely love the life we have together.

But the sex, in a word, sucks.

And I just don’t get it. And it’s not that I’m not attracted to him. Far from it. Plus his dick is, shall we say, bigger than average. He is invested in wanting me to enjoy myself because, to him, it’s a big way of showing intimacy and his love for me.  And he is so attracted to me that I don’t have to do anything for him to get turned on by me. Literally, I won’t even be making eye contact, and somehow I’ve made him aroused.

So why, most of the time, is sex completely unfulfilling?  A lot of the time it barely feels like anything.  There is one position where I can get off most of the time, but it takes so much effort and concentration to get there, it isn’t worth it.  Touches and gestures that used to work when we were first together don’t seem to get turned on anymore. I do have a couple toys I use, and I do admit there is one way of using one and snuggling that I relatively enjoy. However, more often than not, it feels like what he likes and the limited knowledge of what I like are really different, and it, at least to me, makes things just kind of awkward as a result. Like, he’s crazy into nipple play. I’m not. I don’t want to give that up because of how much he likes it, but I’m left feeling weird as a result. Even that position that I like is often marred with the expectation that I have to get off in order for my husband to be happy (as he gets off by me getting off).

And I don’t know what to do to make us more in sync. I know that, growing up with virginity virtue-signaling religion combined with sexual abuse/toxic ex’s did some damage. However, I’ve been to therapy, and, considering how long my husband and I have been together, I don’t get why it should still be a thing.  I know a lot of people talk about “showing your partner what you like,” but never give any real instructions as to how to find out what I like, and, as mentioned, there’s no guarantee that it’s something that we both like together. I’ve tried to make a point to schedule times on the calendar to ensure intimacy, but it just makes it feel more like an obligation than it already does; something I am obliged to “get through” as part of my wifely obligations. So I’m stuck feeling like my body is broken, not responding to stimuli that it’s supposed to, and that I’m a bad wife because I’m not into sex like my husband wants. And then I feel guilty because I know he can feel that frustration too, and therefore isn’t getting to do as much something that he feels is the epitome of showing love to your partner.

So what can I do so that sex doesn’t have to feel like a source of failure on my part, and actually be the intimacy that my husband wants it to be?

Thanks for your time,

Out of Sync

DEAR OUT OF SYNCH: OK, OOS, let’s hit something important right off the bat: you’re not “broken”. Broken would imply there’s something wrong with you. But what you describe isn’t that, it’s that what you’re currently doing isn’t doing the job of arousing you. Calling yourself “broken” implies that this is your fault, somehow when it’s really not.

Your body is your body and works how it works. How it’s “supposed” to work tends to be equated with “how other people think it should work” rather than “this just doesn’t work for me, but that does.”

This is a seemingly minor thing, but framing can be important; amongst other things, the way you frame a situation affects how empowered someone feels to advocate for their own interests and pleasure. If you frame this as “my body is broken”, you’re in a place where you feel like you’re required to apologize to others for the inconvenience of actually meeting your needs. On the other hand, being willing to say “this is just how I’m wired/what I need” puts you in the position to say “Look, if we’re gonna do X, I need A, B and F, in that order, to make it work.”

Think of it as the difference between cooking and baking. They seem similar from the outside, but in practice, they’re different disciplines. Arousal and orgasm for some people is cooking – recipes can serve as guidelines, but lots of folks will go off book, freestyle it, put their own twist on things and generally get to the same place in the end. For others, it’s like baking – you have to do this in a specific order, in a specific manner, for the precise amount of time or you just aren’t going to get the results you want. You may get something that’s kinda close but off in some fundamental way (insert “soggy bottom” joke here), or it may never come together at all and you’re left with a mess to clean up and also no scones.

Your husband’s a cook. You’re a baker. That’s all.

Being willing to own it and advocate for your needs and your pleasure is important, especially if you’re being made to feel bad (intentionally or not) because you aren’t “coming through” for others. And while I’m certain the abusive ex and sex-negative religious upbringing didn’t help, this mindset of apologizing vs. owning is a very gendered one. Believe me: as a general rule, guys have far less of a problem saying “OK, I’m going to need you to apply exactly this amount of pressure on this spot at minute 14 or else nothing is going to happen.”

Incidentally, your situation is a good example is where an obsession with getting one’s partner off can become a problem. When it becomes “I only get off when I get you off”, then that’s still ultimately about them and makes sex less about intimacy and pleasure and putting all the focus on orgasm and – importantly – their ability to give you one. And to be sure: I’m not blaming your husband for this; it’s just a dynamic that’s very easy to miss or fall into without meaning to, and end up making things harder. Some days a person isn’t gonna be able to get off for love nor money nor really good cheese; if one’s partner is all “I only get off by getting YOU off”, then this ends up putting pressure on the receiver to either force the issue or fake it.

Now with that in mind, what happened and what can you do about this? Especially when it seemed so easy at the start of things? Well, one of the things that changed is that you’re no longer in the honeymoon stage. When we’re in the beginning stages of a new relationship, we get hit with waves of dopamine, oxytocin and serotonin – the New Relationship Energy from being with a new partner. The novelty of the experience with a new partner, the excitement of discovery, mystery and fresh intimacy… these all can work to get you over the hump (er… as it were) in the early days.

But humans are nothing if not adaptable and we can get used to almost literally anything. So in time, when the novelty has faded and the excitement isn’t there to give you that extra boost… well, you’re back to your normal baseline and the things that were so very easy at the start suddenly… aren’t.

But if we don’t recognize that for what it is, it’s very easy to feel like something’s wrong. And even when we do, it’s not uncommon to feel like we’d done something wrong by not fighting or finding ways to keep that feeling going, even when hedonic adaptation is just part of the normal process. It’d be nice if we could all be Gomez getting all hot and bothered just because Morticia spoke French for the entirety of our relationships but hey, biology makes that a real challenge.

Now the good thing is, we may be adaptable, but we’re also creative and self-aware and consummate problem solvers. So we’re fully capable of finding new and novel solutions to all kinds of issues.

Let’s start with what we know: you can get off, you have things you enjoy and that will get you where you need to go. That gives us a starting point for figuring things out.

We also know that part of the issue is that you feel pressured about all of this and that is a well-known arousal killer. And part of this pressure seems to be this idea that you and your husband have to get off from the same things. That’s a nice idea in theory, but in practice, it ends up making things worse because it seems like what you need and what he needs are just too different. It even ends up creating the accidental dynamic that while your husband loves getting you off, it needs to be in a way that he enjoys.

(Again: I’m not blaming your husband for this. This is as much about how we’re all socialized around sex and sexual pleasure and how much it all focuses on male pleasure primarily. We all grow up swimming in this ocean and only recently learned what the word ‘water’ was.)

So what if, for a starter, we decouple what gets you off from what gets him off? He loves nipple play; you could take it or leave it, but you go with it because he’s so into it. Well, turnabout is fair play too; if something gets your motor running and it’s not his particular yum, that’s perfectly fine. Doing things just because your partner enjoys them, even if its not really your bag makes your partner feel appreciated and loved. And if you can get into a genuine groove of second-hand pleasure – “not my thing but Stuck In Synch LOVES it and that’s pretty damn hot” – then that works even better. Especially if it doesn’t put pressure on you to get off so he can.

So I think you can start by just letting yourself be a little selfish, here. The snuggle-and-toys works, or that specific position does the job for you? Cool, then that’s one thing you can do. Do it unapologetically. Let your pleasure be the focus of that moment instead of needing to hurry it up so you can get to him. Y’all can either take turns – “OK, first we do the thing I like and then I do the thing you like” – or you can trade days where one of you is the sole focus. Maybe he gets the odd days and you get the even ones. But on those days, that person gets the full attention, knowing that the other gets it next.

That could even get kinda hot, as you wind each other up over the course of the day about what you’re going to do to them later. There’re few things that heighten the intensity like antici…

…

…

…pation.

Another thing to do, especially when paired with decoupling your pleasure from his, is to start exploring possibilities. Take some time where the two of you take your usual sexual routine off the table and go on a f--k safari, where you venture forth looking for new or forgotten techniques, positions or fantasies that’ll rotate the scroll-wheel for you.

Again: don’t worry about “what if I like this but he doesn’t” and instead focus on the third G of Dan Savage’s “Good, Giving and Game (For Anything, Within Reason)”. If it’s something that you enjoy that he can do but isn’t his favorite, then hey, let it go in the mix. Think of it this way: if it’s just ok to him or even not that thrilling but it doesn’t leave him crying in the shower or gives him the screaming abdabs, then that’s all to the good. “This leaves me feeling squicked out and violated” is very different from “just not my thing”. Letting this be entirely about you can not only be liberating, but it can let your husband get a bit more in touch with his service-top side in a way that feels less imposing or lady boner killing.

There’re a lot of places where you could start pulling ideas from, including classes at your local, pleasure-focused, independently owned sex-toy shop. However, you might also consider sourcing some ideas from erotica or female-focused porn. Yeah, most of what you’re going to find on PornHub or Brazzers is going to be bog-standard penis-focused, male-orgasm-prioritized stuff, but the fun thing about the Internet is that there’s a lot of porn out there that isn’t like that. Something amateur-supported like Make Love, Not Porn can often be a lot hotter than the professionally produced stuff. Or you might look at Crashpad, Lust Cinema, Good Vibrations After Dark or Lady Cheeky or Dane Jones. Hell, you might find inspiration from some of the spicier fan-fiction at An Archive of Our Own or good old fashioned literary smut on your Kindle. What matters is, does this turn you on or seem like something that might work for you? Cool, give it a try.

While you do this, however, don’t lose sight of the fact that what you need is just what you need. If, for example, you find that what you ultimately need is REALLY INTENSE direct clitoral stimulation, lean into that. There’re a lot of ways to incorporate vibrators into partnered sex, especially if you’re not entirely focused on either PIV or look-ma-no-hands unassisted orgasms. If what you need is a very specific pressure or a position and a certain amount of time, then do that, without shame or apology. Again, sex is as much about intimacy and connection as it is about orgasms. Being in tune with what your partner wants and needs and being willing to give it to them is a part of that, even if it means delaying your gratification until later. Also, the cultural narrative that says that the male orgasm is cutoff is just that: a narrative, not a Mandate From F--k Heaven.

Hell, if you feel like really taking that service-top aspect in an interesting and kinky direction, you can even bring a soft-domme aspect to it all – “do a good job and you get a treat…”

But more than anything else: separate your pleasure and your needs from needing to ensure your husband gets his. You’re allowed to enjoy things for yourself. You both have a right to get off; it just doesn’t need to be at the same time, in the same way or even in the same session. Separating it out – you go first, then he goes or “today for you, tomorrow for me” can work just fine, as long as everyone feels like it’s roughly equal.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’ve had a number of dates now with a really terrific guy. He checks every single box in terms of what’s truly important in my eye (politics, religion, lifestyle choices, etc). I’ve never dated anyone I had this many important things in common with. Every time we’re together we have great laughs and terrific conversation, which I really enjoy. And he’s so kind! I recently had a bad fall that resulted in an injury that required an ER visit and stitches. He wasn’t there for that, but when I told him about it, he was genuinely concerned and upset for me, and even told me that he got me a little something, a small gift, that he plans to give to me on our next date – which is this Friday.

However, in spite of all of this, I have been battling this awfully anxious feeling in the pit of my stomach. I’m prone to anxiety anyway, always was, so it’s not too surprising…but I just don’t know where this is coming from. I just don’t feel “gaga” over this guy. And for the life of me, I don’t understand why! I don’t get that tingly “butterfly” feeling in my stomach when I think about him. However, I do NOT want to break it off with him. I’m 33 years old, and it’s been monumentally rare that I find someone this much on the same page as me. I know I’m not going to find someone else like him in my lifetime. If I ended it, I really and truly believe I’ll be alone for the rest of my life. And he really is terrific, no exaggeration!

The reason I suspect these weird feelings to exist is because it has been literally almost 10 years since I’ve been in anything even resembling a relationship. So I’m trying to chalk these feelings up to “You’re out of practice…you’re not used to this…you got too used to talking to guys but never meeting…you got too comfortable behind the keyboard, so your mind almost doesn’t know what to do with this guy…” Does that make sense? Over the past 10 years, I’ve always wanted a relationship, but I guess I got too used to not being in one. I told him that it’s been a long time, that I’m majorly out of practice, and need to take things slow. Baby steps. And he seemed to understand that completely! Something else I’ve never had from any other guy!

Am I overthinking this? I’m a classic overthinker, so that could be the case. Given everything I’ve said here, what advice do you have for me? Not only would I not want to hurt him, but I don’t want to give in to these feelings and end what could be a wonderful and fulfilling relationship. If I just gave up, I really and truly believe I’d regret it!

I only hope he doesn’t pop out the “I love you” soon, because…I really don’t think I’m ready for that.

Can you help me let go of these feelings and just let things…just be?

Thank you.

Where Are The Butterflies?

DEAR WHERE ARE THE BUTTERFLIES: There’re a lot of possibilities that could be in play here, WATB, and it’s hard to narrow down precisely which one it could be – or even if it’s a combination of issues.

The first and simplest is: he’s a great guy but you don’t necessarily have physical chemistry with him. Which is certainly a possibility and one that is worth considering. It may well be he’s missing that X factor you need to find him sexually or romantically attractive. But Occam be damned, the fact that this is the simplest doesn’t necessarily mean it’s correct.

Let’s start with another obvious possibility: in the decade since you apparently last dated, you’ve changed. You’ve lived a life. You’ve grown, you’ve matured, you’ve had adventures and experiences and your perspective on life, love and the world have changed with you. And – critically – you’re not 23 anymore.

I mention this because that “tingly” feeling you talk about – the butterflies in the stomach, the nervousness, etc. – are symptoms of infatuation. Infatuation is equal parts excitement and uncertainty; you’re thrilled by the highs, but terrified by the possibility of the lows. You’re spun up by the newness and the novelty, but you’re also frequently feeling nervous or worried, in part because you don’t always feel secure in your connection with that person. And, to be sure, the nervousness heightens the excitement and passion, because excitement and nervousness feel the same; your heart pounds, your palms get sweaty while your mouth becomes drier than Ben Shaprio’s wife.

(Stick a pin in this part, we’ll be coming back to it.)

So while I won’t say you’ve “aged out” of the butterflies, I will say that a guy who is safe, makes you feel secure and appreciated, combined with having ten more years of life under your belt means that you’re going to be far less twitterpated over a guy… even if it’s been ten years between relationships or even a date. So it’s entirely possible that you’ve just entered a stage in your life when you’re not going to have that sort of excitement simply because you’ve lived and experienced more.

Another possibility is that perhaps you’re holding yourself back and not letting yourself feel excited about him. It’s been ten years of looking and then suddenly Mr. Right drops into your life out of the clear blue sky? And he seems to be so perfect for you that it’s like someone handed you a Ken doll and the computer setup from Weird Science and told you to design your perfect man? And you’re already prone to anxiety and overthinking? You might be entirely forgiven for wondering what the catch was or waiting for the shoe to drop.

There’s a weird – but normal – paradox to getting everything you want. If you feel like you don’t deserve it, or that it’s too good to be true, or that this is your only chance, then what often ends up happening is that you hold yourself back. After all, what happens if you let go, let yourself have a moment of hope and joy, only to get dumped? Or worse, find out that Prince Charming’s more of a toad than you could ever have realized? It’s a perverse form of emotional self-defense: keeping yourself from experiencing happiness and excitement in order to avoid crushing disappointment later on. Especially if you have a part of your brain that’s questioning whether you deserve this, or that’s convinced that anyone who you might like is secretly bad for you, somehow.

If you’re spending all your time questioning your luck – and wondering if it really is luck or a curse in disguise – then you’re not going to leave a lot of room for simply enjoying this. Doubly so if you’re also looking at this entirely in terms of “I need to make this work or else I’ll be alone forever”. It’s very hard to let yourself feel excited when you are coming to a relationship with a scarcity mindset. If you see a person as your last, best hope for pea…er I mean, a relationship, it becomes very difficult to feel excited about them. The recurring thoughts of “don’t f--k this up, this is the only person you could ever have a relationship with” are going to crowd out any sort of passion or excitement you might have.

Speaking of perverse paradoxes: another possibility is that he’s the nicest, sweetest, most considerate guy you’ve dated. Yes, I heard the needle-scratch of “wait, WHAT?” in your head but stick with me here. I’m sure you’ve heard the whole song and dance guys do about how “women only like bad boys” and how a woman will date a great guy but then go right back to dating some s--tty dude who treats her abominably. This has far less to do with “women just have a biological need to be treated badly” or “treat her mean, keep her keen” and far more to do with attachment styles. A lot of the whole “bad boy” thing comes part and parcel with anxious attachment – especially if someone didn’t have a stable or loving relationship to model their own expectations on. The anxious attachment, paired with a person who goes hot-and-cold or pushes people away, creates feelings very similar to infatuation – the nerves, the uncertainty, the obsessively thinking about them – and it’s very easy to mistake that for love or a positive relationship.

When someone who’s relationship history is primarily one of mistreatment, meeting someone who’s reliable, stable and giving feels weird. That lack of always feeling like you’re one misstep away from disaster, not always being on edge… that’s not a feeling you associate with love or relationships. When you’re used to uncertainty, security doesn’t always feel like relief; sometimes it just feels wrong. So it’s entirely possible that this is simply different from what you’ve experienced before.

Now, there’s one more possibility here. Remember what I said about how excitement and nervousness feel the same? Well, funny thing: that also includes sexual arousal. See, a quirk of the human condition is that we don’t actually understand why we feel the way we do. What happens is that our brains take in the sensations our bodies experience and decide what it means based on context clues. Critically, one of the things that it takes into consideration is the people around us, moreso than the activity that caused those sensations.

This is important, because the things that get your blood racing and arouse your cardiovascular system arouse other parts as well… and your brain will take on context clues to decide what you’re feeling.

If you were to go on a roller-coaster with, I dunno, let’s say with Henry Golding, when you get off the ride, you’re likely to find yourself thinking very sweaty thoughts about him. But as much as Mr. Golding is a very pretty man, those feelings are in no small part because your cardiovascular system was going off like the drum solo in YYZ. But because of how our brains work, your brain isn’t associating those sensations with having been on a roller-coaster, they’re associating those sensations with the company you’re with.

So if most of your dates with your guy are calm and pleasant? Well, your physical sensations will be fairly calm, which is not terribly conducive to passion or arousal. Excitement breeds excitement, which is why first date jitters often lead to feelings of interest – our brains connect those physical sensations to the person and interpret them as excitement and attraction, rather than nervousness.

So what you may need is a little less calm and a little more excitement. Fortunately, though, this is easy to create, consciously.

So here are my suggestions. First: look into mindfulness meditation. Yes, I realize this is an odd thing to suggest, but part of mindfulness is learning how to simply turn down the volume on your anxieties. By learning how to simply go “shhhhh…” to your mind, you learn to quiet the parts of you that are prone to over-thinking. If you can give yourself a break from the constant train of thoughts that lead you to scour every possible scenario or what-if, you give yourself more of a chance to just be in the moment with your beau. If you can quiet that part of your brain that thinks too much and, instead, listen to the parts that feel, you’ll be better able to be in the now and have a better idea of how you’re feeling when you’re with him.

Next: try different dates. Do things that are going to get your heart rate elevated, make you breathe harder or faster or just get you excited. This could be anything from going dancing to racing go-karts, hitting baseballs at a batting cage or a friendly Skee-ball competition. Hell, going to a ballgame and getting caught up rooting for the home team or putting tiny bets on horse races would do it – anything that gets you excited and bouncing with energy. You’ll be surprised how much that will transfer over to your feelings with him.

But also, remember that those “butterflies” aren’t indicative of love, just excitement and nerves. Love isn’t “bouncing around with anticipation until he texts you back”, it’s “I trust you to be there when the worst happens”. It’s “I feel safe and secure with you and feel comfortable being vulnerable.” And it’s “I have a hard time imagining a life without you being in it.” Not in an idealized way – romantic vacations, houses with white picket fences full of kids and the like – but the simple feeling of knowing that they’re there, even if they’re not physically present with you.

Yeah, it’s entirely possible that, while great, this guy isn’t necessarily the last great love of your life. That’s true of anyone you’ll date. But don’t mistake the high of infatuation or the excitement of the new for love. Otherwise you will risk missing out on something amazing.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com