DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: So straight up, I (m/21) am 5’4, 5’5 on a good day. I’m also a virgin who’s never held hands with a girl, never mind gone on a date or had a girlfriend. The two are unquestionably connected – I’ve watched girls walk right past me to go flirt with the 6’ tall dudes instead, even though I’m exactly their type in every other way. And don’t get me started on dating apps, I may as well be invisible on there and even then I see “if you’re under 6’ swipe left” all the damn time.
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I know all the tricks for looking taller, I don’t like boots and I refuse to use lifts. I just want to know why nobody wants to admit that if you’re not taller than 5’10, you may as well give up trying to date.
Short King In Yellow
DEAR SHORT KING IN YELLOW: You say that you know all the tricks for looking taller, so I won’t go into those. Instead, let’s start with something obvious: If you had to be 6’ tall to date, the human race would have gone extinct generations ago. People who are 6’ or taller make up less than 10% of the population. There are more people who complain about being under 6’ than people who reach that height.
Here’s something slightly less obvious: John Boyega, Kit Harrington, Ed Sheeran and Zac Effron are 5’8” tall. Tom Cruise and Robert Downey Jr. are 5’7”. Daniel Radcliffe and Bruno Mars are 5’5”. Chris Hart is 5’2”. There’re very few people who’re going to kick them out of bed after their shoes come off.
Now, I know what you’re about to say, because I am psychic and also because I’ve been having this argument for a long, long time: yes, they’re celebrities. They’re singers and actors and comedians. What this tells you is that height clearly isn’t everything. Height is a sexy quality for some, but it’s not the only sexy quality, nor is it a requirement. Attraction is a multi-axis graph, with many, many different qualities that go into making someone desirable.
If you feel that your height is a detriment to your dating success, then the obvious answer is: OK, so what else are you bringing to the table? What else do you have going for you that makes you attractive? And if the answer is “nothing”, then what are you willing to do to cultivate those traits? Because no, you don’t need to be the top 1% to date in other areas if you’re under a certain height (yes, I’ve seen those studies; those are why we have concepts like p-hacking and phrases like ‘correlation isn’t causation’), you just need to have things that make you someone that people want to spend time with and whose company people enjoy. The most attractive, romantically and sexually successful people I know – of a wide variety of heights – are people who are just fun to be with. The fact that people enjoy spending time with them is a big part of what makes them attractive.
You know what isn’t attractive? People getting into a snit about their height or who throw a tantrum when their girlfriends wear heels. Short Man Syndrome is actually the bigger turn-off than whether or not someone is above average height in their stocking feet.
(That’s 5’7.5” for men, globally, by the way).
Yes, there are people who feel strongly about wanting a partner who is taller than them. There are also people who feel strongly about a partner who makes more (or less) than they do or who isn’t as smart as them, who is as conventionally attractive as them if not moreso, or who is less successful than they are. People have preferences that exclude wide swaths of the human population, and that’s entirely their business.
Sometimes those preferences will include you. And those are the ones you notice. The only reason why you pay so much attention to those ‘swipe left’ bits in people’s dating profiles is because it feels personal to you. If you were a blue-eyed brunette and their profiles said “brown eyes need not apply” or “No gingers”, you would likely either snort derisively or miss it entirely, simply because it’s not your ox being gored.
But here’s an important question: if someone were to say that you were their ideal match except for this one thing – a thing that you have literally no control over – and they were willing to throw the amazing future you two would have aside over that thing… would you actually want to date this person? Would you cry bitter tears over this loss, or would you wonder why the hell you would ever want to be tied up with someone who’s that shallow? If you would still want to be with that person and still be upset that they’re that superficial… well, quite frankly, I would have to question your priorities.
And I say this as someone who is also under 5’10”: my height has never been a problem with getting dates. Yes, there’re people who likely have been uninterested in me because I’m not a particular height; I couldn’t give less of a shit. That’s a them problem, not a me problem. I’m sure there were probably some who were hotter than hot, but the great thing about this world is that there’re hundreds of thousands of women who are just as amazing, if not moreso, who didn’t care about my height. I could spend my time mourning all the missed opportunities – and thus have no time to do literally anything else – or I could disregard the people who simply aren’t worth my time and move on. And those people have demonstrated that they’re not worth my time.
Now I will say that I empathize with your frustration. It hurts when you feel like people won’t give you a chance based on an arbitrary aspect of you, something that you have next to no control over. It’s entirely reasonable to wish that people would give you a chance, even if you’re not their ideal height. But I think it’s also important to look at yourself and consider who you are willing to give a chance to, even if they’re not your ideal. What things are you willing to overlook in someone you might want to date? I’ve found that a lot of the folks who get into high dudgeon over being excluded aren’t exactly taking on any and all comers either; they have their own must-haves and deal-breakers, just as the women who passed on them did.
I’m sure you and others would be upset at the idea of “having” to date someone you didn’t find attractive. Ok… but that applies to other people too. People are allowed to have their preferences, even if those preferences don’t include you.
But – to forestall the inevitable and obvious rejoinder – I can all but guarantee you that your lack of romantic success has far less to do with your height and far more about your attitude. If I can feel the attitude dripping off your email, women who meet you in person absolutely sense it radiating off you like a passive-aggressive uranium enrichment plant. So my suggestion would be to start getting over it and start embracing the idea of being a short king instead.
And one more thing: I’ve long been saying that dating apps should be a supplement to meeting people, but this is especially true if, for example, you’re shorter than average. One of the drawbacks to the apps is that we have fewer opportunities for serendipity. It’s very easy to get caught up in what we think we want and miss out on people who we might vibe with if we’d met in person. I know people who still get on like a house on fire decades after they first met… but they would never have matched if they encountered each other on an app.
So as you embrace being a short king and cultivating your other attractive attributes, I’d suggest focusing your attention on meeting people in person, rather than relying on the apps. Keep an open mind and give people a chance; you’ll find that you click with people you might not have given a second glance on Hinge.
Good luck.
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Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com