DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: Some details may be changed or left ambiguous to maintain anonymity. A few weeks ago, after coming back from a vacation, I found myself choosing between two men. I met the first a few months ago. He was very sweet and a high-quality man. He checked the boxes. He was attractive physically. We got along well, and he was serious about his interest in me. We also aligned in terms of values. He immediately ingratiated himself into my life by attending my church every week and eating meals with my family. Before long he was receiving invites to join family functions. I enjoyed his company as the only young single person at these small gatherings otherwise, but I felt confused feelings for him. 

He had quirks. The major ones he stopped when I mentioned it, but there were still minor ones I noticed. They weren’t turnoffs or dealbreakers but I noticed. Also, our conversations didn’t seem to extend any deeper than causal friends who hung out a lot. I also didn’t feel anything when I held his hand on an ice-skating date. I didn’t find myself wanting to hold his hand either when he never grabbed it during a museum date. This museum date was after 4-5 months of talking. He never initiated anything physical over 6 months. He never even said good morning or good night to me over text, but he made it clear he was interested in trying to spend time with me, introducing me to his dad and friends, requests for exclusivity, and compliments. He kept things chill while I studied. I wanted to feel things, but I questioned whether I felt any chemistry. Perhaps he was holding back affection and intimacy because of my hesitation, but maybe I needed that to fall for him.

Towards the very beginning of seeing him, a friend reached out about a singles vacation. I agreed and went on it because it looked like fun. I was not really looking for anything because of my situation, but I met an attractive someone who lives in a nearby state, again with the same values. We did have a deeper emotional connection. I did feel attraction for him in person that I didn’t feel with the first guy. I’m sure this guy has quirks but I’m not seeing what I noticed in the first guy. So I cut things off with my guy friend when I came home. 

I, however, find myself surprisingly regretting it. The first guy doesn’t respond to me anymore. I miss texting him and sharing memes. He had been there for me while I was preparing for a big grad school test. He had also started trying to plan more romantic things like a riverwalk when I got back and a trip to meet more of his family. 

I find myself sad that I can’t do that with him. Sometimes I find myself wondering what if? What if I had talked to him about what I believe may have been a lack of emotional intimacy? Would that have caused me to have romantic feelings? What doesn’t help is that my now boyfriend lives in a different state. Everything is great there but I’m still thinking of the first guy. I can’t tell if I actually do have lingering feelings for the guy I ended things with or if I simply miss my friend’s companionship. Logically, I think I made the right choice, but I just want to see and talk to this guy again. I don’t know what to think or do. 

Thank you!

Somebody Make Up My Heart

DEAR SOMEBODY MAKE UP MY HEART: It’s hard to know what was going on with your first beau, SMUMH. Maybe he was somewhere on the asexual spectrum and just not necessarily someone who wanted or was comfortable with physical intimacy – not yet, or possibly not ever. Maybe he was one of those people who truly believed in no sex – or anything even approaching sex or triggering arousal – before commitment, an engagement or marriage.

Or maybe he liked you but wasn’t really feeling it either, not romantically. That doesn’t mean he didn’t want to feel it, mind you. But what sometimes will happen is that we’ll meet someone we like, who we feel like checks all the right boxes for us but they don’t quite do it. On paper they’re a great fit, but in person there’s just some missing x-factor that we can’t put our finger on and the lack just kind of lingers like Banquo’s ghost. There’s a desire to close that gap, to make that missing feeling happen and when that doesn’t work, we may round the feelings we do have up. We say “ok, that’s close enough.”

And it isn’t. It’s a good relationship… but it’s not romantic. It’s like a very demonstrative friendship. Possibly even an intimate one… but it’s not love. It’s not passionate.

The problem is that it is a good relationship. It’s just not the one that has what you need, the one that scratches that particular itch. But because it’s good, you don’t necessarily feel like you’re supposed to – allowed to, even – say “this is nice, but it’s not enough”. And so we often stay because we don’t have a reason to go, not one that we would think justifies leaving a perfectly functional relationship.

But it’s like I’m always saying: you’re allowed to leave a relationship at any time for any reason. And “it’s nice, but it’s not enough” is a very good reason. You can and should prioritize wanting the relationship that fulfills you in the ways you need, whether it’s emotional, sexual, whatever. And while it’s true that there’s no such thing as settling down without settling for, the whole point is that you’re getting so much from that relationship that you don’t miss what you are giving up in exchange. You’re pleased with that trade-off because the rest is worth it.

Saying “every relationship’s a compromise, I should get by without this” is a good way to end up in a relationship that leaves you feeling hollow, like you’ve wasted time. And I think you would’ve ended up the place you are now, just over a much longer period and possibly without another partner who matches you better than your first one did.

Now personally, I think you did the right thing. You had a friendship that you valued with this first man, but you weren’t getting what you needed for it to be more. Your second guy gives you those things and in this case, gives you enough that you’re ok making the sacrifice of having a long-distance relationship with him.

But it’s understandable that you are questioning things. I suspect that this is more because for six months you had a relationship that you truly enjoyed and valued and now it’s gone. The empty space where he was is haunting you because it’s a reminder of that lack. It’s a genuine loss, and it’s natural to regret that loss and wonder if there were some way that you could’ve prevented it – had your metaphorical cake and eaten it too. But I don’t think there really was, not the way things are now.

I’m also not surprised you don’t hear from him anymore. I’m sure he’s feeling hurt and confused. I suspect that, even if he wasn’t necessarily feeling it for you either, he wanted to and was making those larger bids and gestures in hopes that he was going to spark something. Or maybe he was feeling your hesitation and was trying to make it spark in you. Either way, it didn’t work and you ended things with him in order to be with another man. And that’s going to hurt. No matter how gently you break it to him, it’s not likely to be like you’re letting down James Marsden – a man apparently destined to be the dude who has to be cool with the heroine leaving him for someone else. You’re telling a guy who wanted to make things work that it was never going to happen and you found someone who could make it happen.

Even if he agreed with you, it’s still going to take time for him to process that hurt, come to terms with what happened and find enough healing that he can move forward.

But here’s what I would suggest for you. Take some time to do a bit of a mental exercise: how much longer in this relationship would you be willing to wait for those romantic feelings to spark? Would you be willing to wait another six months? A year? Two years? Five? If you knew that the rest of your relationship with him would be like this, working on the emotional intimacy and waiting for your feelings to kick in and never knowing when or if they would, how long would you be willing to endure this status quo?

Because here’s the thing: yes, love can grow over time, but you were at a stage in the relationship when that emotional and physical connection should be at its easiest, and it just wasn’t there. I suspect you had all the components you needed for a good, strong friendship, but not what you needed for love, no matter how much you or he wanted.

And that sucks. But sometimes that’s just how it is. I think you made the right decision for you and that’s really all you can do. Hopefully, with time and distance, your ex will be able to come back around and the two of you can have a friendship again… but this time you’ll know it for what it truly is. And then you will be able to have the best of both worlds, in a way that’s healthier and happier for everyone.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I just want to start out by saying that I’ve been reading your blog posts and watching your YouTube videos for a while now, and your advice has really helped me a lot. With that said, I have a couple of questions:

The first question is if you think that I should keep going out to a casino near where I live to work on cold approaches. To clarify, I live in Las Vegas. I am currently leaning towards ending this practice. I don’t gamble. I avoid drinking when I can because of the health effects and the price (who wants to pay $20 for a cocktail?) I also don’t really like the noise, crowds, or staying up into the late evening hours (yes, I know I’m getting old). I mostly just make myself go on Friday or Saturday nights because I know getting out of the apartment will be good for me, there will usually be beautiful women present, and I can work on my cold approaches. In a way, I kind of think of it like a gym for social skills and game. On a side note, I think doing cold approaches works better when you are sober because you feel your fear more acutely. Anyways, I wanted to ask you if you thought it was worth continuing to go out to this place because I don’t particularly enjoy it and I am not exactly preselecting for a person who would be compatible with me.

The second question is about sex – specifically, when you should begin having sex when starting a relationship. I come from a pretty conservative background that taught me that sex before marriage was a grievous offense, but I’ve since come to believe that it’s just a fun recreational activity that you and your partner can both enjoy, provided there’s consent and mutual trust and respect involved.

The reason I ask this is that, well, I’m a typical guy, and I’d love to start having sex as soon as possible. However, I know a lot of women take time to develop trust, which it totally understandable. They also don’t want to be slut-shamed for being too quick to jump into the sack. The other part of this is commitment; a lot of people say that sex should require commitment, and I see their point: it’s the quite likely the most vulnerable position a person could possibly be in, especially for women. I’m just asking because I want to develop a good ethical position that rests upon solid principles. I also don’t know when it’s appropriate to broach the subject or express an interest in having sex, since asking for sex too early gives the impression that I “just want sex.”

The third question also pertains to sex. This may strike you as an odd question, but do you believe celibacy is a good motivational tool for making approaches? On the one hand, I feel like porn and masturbation just sap my motivation to approach women that I’m interested in. I’m concerned that porn hijacks a very powerful, ancient reward circuit and delivers nothing in return. To be honest, if I wanted to do only what felt easy or comfortable, I would never approach women I’m interested in, avoid going out, and just keep to myself. But I know that humans are deeply social and relational creatures, and that being in a relationship would be good for me, since it would help me grow in many ways. Also, staying in too much and not talking to anyone makes me go crazy. So, that’s why I ask if celibacy is a good motivational tool. 

On the other hand, I am wondering if doing this would just make things more difficult. I fear that I could become rather, ahem, outcome dependent and reek of desperation. I also don’t want to be that guy who gets whiplash from every girl walking by and sees every interaction as a possible road to sex.

Anyways, thank you for reading my questions, and keep up the good work!

Stepping Up To The Plate

DEAR STEPPING UP TO THE PLATE: Alright, SUTP, let’s roll this from the top.

First: as a general rule, cold approaches are very inefficient as a way of meeting people. You are functionally trying to convince someone to be interested in starting a potentially romantic or sexual relationship with a complete stranger, often in the span of twenty minutes to an hour. That’s not really how most people meet their partners. While exceptions obviously exist, most folks tend to meet their partners either through shared activities, mutual friends or dating apps; very rarely do you find a “yeah, we were total strangers who bumped into each other at the airport bar” or whatnot.

Working on cold approaches can be good, especially since you can’t exactly count on having a social network in place when you’ve moved somewhere or when you’re traveling, and the skills have a lot of crossover in other areas of your social life. But as an overall strategy for meeting people, your ratio of effort to return is very, very unbalanced towards to the “effort” end of things.

That’s not made any easier by trying to do this in a noisy, chaotic environment like a casino. While yes, Vegas has long played up its “what happens in Vegas” marketing and implying that hook-ups and wild parties could happen at any moment… frankly a lot of that is just marketing hype and a whole lot of folks who are more into the fantasy of Vegas than the reality.

It also isn’t helped when it’s an environment you, specifically, don’t care for and people who likely aren’t as likely to be compatible with. Yes, there are likely to be beautiful women there… but they’re more likely to be into the very atmosphere and environment that you find noisy and chaotic. So you’re going to also be dealing with fundamental incompatibilities. If you want to work on being able to deal with the environment and just get comfortable with approaching and talking to complete strangers, that’s fine… but I think the skills you’re trying to develop would be better served in practicing them in something closer to a situation where you’d meet people you actually want to date.

Think of it as the difference between practicing swinging a baseball bat because you want to get better at kendo or HEMA; yes, technically the mechanical movements are similar, but you’re training for the wrong things.

As for your second question: much of this is going to be based around vibes, chemistry and your connection with the person you’re dating. Sex “should” begin when everyone’s ready, willing and able. Sometimes those things don’t line up at the same time; sometimes they slot into place immediately. One person you meet may like to take their time to feel comfortable and secure before they have sex with someone. Another might be ready to bone down on the first date. It’s going to depend on each individual person and each relationship.

Unless things have been otherwise stated (for example: you or they are somewhere on the asexuality spectrum), it’s safe to assume that the women you’d be interested in dating will know that you’re interested in sex in general. Most dates tend to work with an understanding that sexual attraction is involved to some degree and that a sexual connection is an expected component – if not now, at some point in the future. But just as every woman is different, every relationship is going to be different, and you are going to conduct yourself accordingly.

In terms of bringing it up… well, again, that’s going to vary. If there’s physical chemistry – you and they like kissing or making out, asking if they want to take this to the bedroom is entirely reasonable. If there’s no physical affection or sense of sexual attraction, that might be something to actually ask about. Same with asking a partner you have been intimate with if things have been off; it’s not unreasonable to say “hey, is everything ok? It’s been a while since we’ve had sex and I want to check in with you if anything’s going on…”

But as a general rule, if you’re unsure, use your words. It’s better to ask and risk things being momentarily awkward than to make an unwanted move and guarantee that things will be very awkward. It’s hard to go wrong with “I really want to kiss you right now”, especially during an emotionally exciting point during the date.

Now it’s important to note: you’re entirely allowed to prioritize sex in what you’re looking for when you’re dating. There’s nothing wrong with “just wanting sex”, or making sex a priority in your relationship. People are sexual beings; we have sex for many reasons, including “sometimes we just want to f--k”. It’s far more important to be dating someone who wants the same things as you – or similar enough things, anyway – than to try to subsume your actual desires because you think it’s “inappropriate” or bad. It’s actually worse to try to shove that down and de-prioritize it (again, assuming it’s a high priority for you) in the name of wanting to seem “better” somehow. It’s far worse to find out the person you’ve been seeing has been dating you just to get you in bed and has no other interest than it is for them to say “we want different things, so I don’t think we’re a good fit. Best of luck to you.”

Similarly, you’re allowed to end relationships if the sex isn’t working or if they’re on an entirely different schedule than you in terms of intimacy. Some people will think it’s s--tty, but honestly, it’s far better to end it sooner than later. This way neither of you wastes the other’s time – time that could be used to find someone who is more compatible with you.

If someone wants to wait past a point that you’re willing to, or for conditions that you don’t want or agree to, then you’re well within your rights to end the relationship and move on. It’s far better to find someone who’s on the same page as you in terms of priorities than to either wait it out longer than you’d prefer or try to change their mind.  

As for your last question: look, I’m of the opinion of “it ain’t dumb if it works.” But whether it works… that’s another question. The idea that porn somehow hijacks the brain is both unscientific and ahistorical; it both misunderstands how the brain works and pretends that until we invented motion pictures, sex was an entirely private activity conducted behind closed doors. In reality, for much of human history, sex wasn’t nearly as private or hidden away; even once we started settling in place instead of being nomadic hunter/gatherers, there was very little in the way of privacy when everyone lived in one room huts and homes.

Similarly, as soon as humanity reached the stage of abstract reasoning and representation, we started scrawling dicks and boobs and making representations of naked people and people f--king. Those Renaissance paintings of the various gods and goddesses, nymphs and satyrs? The various famous nude portraits and paintings of odalisques, reclining nudes weren’t seen as “acceptable, classy artistic nudes”, they were porn – paintings to be hidden away in someone’s private rooms, not prominently on display. Hell, Manet’s Le Déjeuner Sur l’Herbe was a scandal when it was debuted and was rejected from the famous Paris Salon.

The point I’m making here is that if you find it helpful to refrain from masturbating or watching porn before you go out to meet people, then great. Other folks find that they don’t feel as pressured or desperate if they rub one out before they go out and about and are able to be a little more clear-headed.

By all means, refrain if you feel like it gives you a bit of an edge or some motivation. But keep in mind that the desire to do things “the easy way” and never take risks isn’t about how much you have or haven’t cranked it. But porn or masturbation isn’t so detrimental as that it would make everyone hermit up if it was strictly controlled, no matter what the no-fap folks say. Having to wrestle with the desire to do things the easy way, to stay in and not take the risks of rejection has more to do with your own psychology, unfamiliarity and a discomfort with being uncomfortable than anything inherent to porn “hijacking” parts of your brain for no reward.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’ve been reading your blog for a while and it’s been really helpful for getting my life in order in general. I still do struggle with dating, but I have a better outlook on it.

I’ve read on your blog that you’re generally anti social media dating. More specifically, meeting and attempting to date through social media. I don’t know if this is a generation thing, but I am Gen Z and it seems like platforms like Instagram or Snapchat are dating hubs. Even when you meet someone through real life interactions, people exchange Instagram or Snapchat profiles over phone numbers now. I mean there’s literally a whole term that was popularized for it (“sliding into dms”).

Anecdotally, many of my friends met their partners through Instagram (the one condition being they had mutual friends/followers with their partners before interacting, but had never met irl). None of these guys are social media addicts or anything, but they were able to use it to meet someone they probably would’ve never met otherwise. The thought of doing that personally is really nerve wracking, mostly because I’m a serial overthinker.

Now I know it’s probably not the best place to be looking for dates, but it seems like it works for many and would be helpful in addition to all the stuff you recommend. I guess my question is, do you still hold the view that it’s a bad place to be looking for dates? And if someone did want to start using that avenue, what’s the best way to go about it?

…Like Stealing Third

DEAR LIKE STEALING THIRD: I think you may have misunderstood my general position on meeting people via social media. It’s not that I’m against starting connections or building relationships that way, nor am I saying that you shouldn’t be using the DMs on Instagram or what-not as your messaging platform, the way many folks do these days. That’s not the issue. The issue is how people go about trying to meet folks on social media… and it’s very much of a piece with trying to meet people in person – both in terms of behavior and expectation.   

I’ve got decades-long friendships that started on various webforums like the Warren Ellis Forum or LiveJournal, performed marriages for people who met the same way, and have made friends and made valuable connections that started off via Twitter or Facebook or – in one notable case – because of Kickstarter. Sort of.

(It’s a long story.)

I also know people who’ve met their partners – many of whom since married – via MMOs. Not just World of Warcraft or Final Fantasy XIV, but old school MUDs and MUSHs. Hell, it’s probably fair to say that WoW or FFXIV are probably better for meeting people than most of the Match Group-owned apps.

But those are all relationships that started more or less organically, the way that relationships will start when people meet in person. All of them started – as many friendships and romances do – with conversations and shared mutual interests. I was on the WEF and it’s various descendants in part because we were all comic fans and fans of related media and geeky interests. The couples I know who met on MMOs were guildmates or people who would squad up regularly. Even the friends I made off LiveJournal started because of conversations in the comments and back-and-forth discussions. In fact, the common core of all of those relationships were how all of those connections started as simply chatting with people who seemed interesting, who shared similar interests and ultimately spending time “together” – as together as one can be when you’re in a virtual space, anyway.

I’ve even written a guide on how to talk to women on social media without tripping over your own junk, using a friend’s experience (with her kind permission) as a starting point.

What I tend to be against are the folks who try to use Instagram, Snapchat or even goddamn LinkedIn as though they were dating apps. I can’t tell you the number of times – including as recently as the day before I wrote this column – I’ve heard from female friends and people I know casually about guys sliding into their DMs on Instagram or other socials in an attempt to do the online equivalent of a cold approach.

(No. Seriously. The amount of horny dude-posting via LinkedIn is goddamn astounding.)

It has far less to do with “don’t ever try to meet people via social media” and far more to do with the way that people (mostly, but not exclusively men) treat others’ (mostly, but not exclusively cis women and people who present as women) mere existence online as an invitation to hit on them or that their purpose is to be hit on.

Most women I know who have posted even the most innocuous photos or art or writing have found men trying to slide into their DMs and trying to pick them up – often getting obnoxious when they get turned down, no matter how politely. I’ve also covered many, many letters from men who’ve let parasocial fantasies with influencers and celebrities run out of control as they try to figure out how to turn those fantasies into reality.

All of it is obnoxious and all of it is part of the background radiation of people (again, primarily, but not exclusively women) who are simply trying to live and exist online and who are being treated as though they’re a consumable object at best, not a person. You don’t want to try to, say, turn commissioning an illustration into a request for a date – something I’ve seen happen many times. Nor do cosplayers on IG want guys in their comments hitting on them or trying to slide into the DMs because they think posting lewds or sexy pictures means that they’re also welcoming thirsty dudes trying to shoot their shot.

Is it theoretically possible to slide into someone’s DMs and get a date? Sure. There’re people who’ve done it. People have also used “nice boots, want to f--k” and pulled women at the club. I’ve seen it happen. But those tend to be very specific circumstances, not something that any rando with an Instagram account and a dream can expect to succeed at.

But there’s a significant difference between sliding into someone’s DMs and having conversations with someone you either know already or have a mutual connection to – a “warm” approach, if you will. And even then, what actually leads to a date or a relationship is the same sort of thing that I tell folks to do when meeting people in person: have conversations, especially conversations that have nothing to do with how much you want to f--k them or how hot their pictures make them or what-have-you.

Those conversations – usually in the comments, occasionally in the DMs – happen over a period of time, often weeks. But it’s during that time that those people are getting to know each other, enjoying the conversations they’re having and usually moving from just being on that platform to elsewhere – WhatsApp, texting, even DMs in other apps – and also leading to in-person connections.

This is why I’ve long said that if you want to be someone that an e-celebrity – or even an everyday person – will respond to in the comments, being able to talk about things besides her body or what you want to do about it is vital. You can pay someone a compliment that isn’t about how much you want to f--k them or how hot you think they are, even if the pictures or video are sexually suggestive. You can make intelligent or relevant observations about the craft of their cosplay or the quality of the photos or the things that make the pictures look good. You can compliment someone on their physique – such as if someone’s proud of their progress in the gym – without it being sexual or untoward. But much of it requires good and precise social calibration as well as being mindful of the false sense of intimacy that a lot of folks feel they have, simply because they follow that other person’s social media.

So the TL:DR of it all: yes, you can meet people via social media. Lots of people do, all the time. But it still follows the same basic principles of meeting people in person: if it’s not a space that’s explicitly about dating, where folks can be assumed to have opted in to meeting potential dates, then just be a person. Maybe a conversation will result, maybe not. But – just as with real life – don’t assume that their mere presence means that they’re there for you to hit on.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com