DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I have an ex-girlfriend who I’ve since maintained a friendship with. When we broke up, it was tenuous as break ups often are, but we both saw it coming and ended things amicably not long after.

After our initial breakup, we had an on-again off-again friends-with-benefits arrangement, partially at her behest. It petered out after a while, not for any particular reason, just that we needed space from each other.

Recently we’ve gotten back in touch as friends again, and it’s actually been pretty nice. However, I can’t lie, it would be nice to broach the FWB thing again. She’s said a few things here and there that give me the impression she’d be game for it too.

My problem is that I’m not sure if I’m just looking for those signs cause I want them to be there, or if it is a mutual desire. I love being friends with her, and I genuinely don’t want to ruin that.

Is there a mature way I can bring up the subject with her without it causing any issues?

I can take no for an answer, I just don’t want her thinking I’m only using this friendship for sex.

Friends With Benefits Package

DEAR FRIENDS WITH BENEFITS PACKAGE: It’s good that you’re aware that the signs you’re seeing might be dickful thinking, FWBP. Motivated reasoning is a motherf--ker and when you really want a particular outcome, it’s easy to turn even the most innocuous thing into a “sign”. Similarly, it’s easy to overlook or dismiss signs to the contrary or rationalize them away because at the end of the day, you don’t want it to be true. So when you think you’re picking up on “hints” or frustratingly vague “signs”, it could well be that you’re rounding things up to the result you want simply because you really want it.

So let’s break down how you can tell whether or not this is actually a thing, or if you’re just really horny. And so the first step is that I want to flip things around and ask you a question: when you and your ex decided to try being friends with benefits, how did it happen? After all, you’ve already done this once before, so examining past performances can give you an insight into future expectations. So what lead to you two giving it a go?

Was there this lingering sexual tension between the two of you that you could cut with a knife? Were the two of you constantly finding moments where you were standing so close that you could slip one, maybe two but not three pieces of paper between your lips? Did you keep having instances where a hug started to linger too long, a friendly kiss hello or goodbye seemed to be longer or more intense than expected? Did friendly conversation turn first to innocent flirting and then become increasingly less innocent?

Or was it more matter-of-fact? Was it a conversation where someone brought up the possibility and you both agreed that it sounded like a good idea?  Was it something that you all explicitly talked out, rather than the old chemistry continuing to burn hot and strong, relationship-suitability be damned?

The point of this exercise isn’t “if you’re not having to hold yourselves back from jumping each other’s bones, don’t bother”, it’s to compare how things proceeded back then with what you think you may be seeing now. If there’s a significant difference between then and now, then the odds are higher that this may be in your head (and pants) rather than in the air. That isn’t a guarantee, one way or the other; after all, this is would be your third go-round and you’re not the same people you were the last time you decided to start bangin’ again. But it least gives you a metric for you to measure the current relationship against.

It’s also good to compare those hints to what you know of your friend. If she’s not the sort of person who’s willing to just put it out there and was more subtle or talked around it the first time, then it’s more likely that she might be hinting at things this time. But if it was a more open or more obvious lead-up compared to now, then I’d put money on your hornt up imagination doing some creative editing.

The next thing to consider is why you stopped being FWBs last time. You say that there wasn’t any particular reason outside of needing space, but what did that look like? Was the steam running out of your hot and steamy hookups? Was it a case that the chemistry had always been there but the little frictions and irritations that happen in every relationship drive you apart? Did your dynamic fall back into the same pattern that you had when you were dating, leading to a second, less significant break-up? Did either of you start having second thoughts or feel like maybe this was keeping you two from moving on and seeing other people? Or is it possible that one or the both of you were just done?

Just as importantly: have things changed between you in such a way that would also mean that the reason you stopped being FWBs no longer apply?

Much like when deciding whether or not you should try to get back together with your ex, if the reasons why you stopped the “benefits” part of the FWB haven’t changed, then proposing you pick it back up again is likely not going to work. Even if she is feeling it, you’re going to end up right back where you were the first time – just a little faster this time around.

And the last thing I would ask is: are you hoping to revive the FWB with her because you two have this undeniable chemistry, even if you don’t work in a more committed relationship… or are you just horny and she’s convenient?

Now I know all of this sounds like I’m trying to lead you to giving up on the idea and I’m really not. I’m asking you to really interrogate what you’re feeling and what you think you’re picking up from your friend. Part of improving your social calibration is being mindful of what’s actually there – even if it’s subtle – and what’s just your brain trying to make it happen at all costs. You’ll save yourself an uncomfortable conversation if, after digging in, you realize that maybe you’re just hoping for something, rather than picking up on hints and signals.    

But the person who knows for sure whether or not she’d be into it is your friend. And presumably she knows you well enough to know that you’re actually her friend in good faith, rather than someone who’s hanging around to try to get in her pants one more time. If you’ve made it through a break-up and an FWB phase and you’re still close? You should be able to say “hey, do you ever think of trying being friends with benefits again? I’d been thinking about it recently, and I was wondering if you might be interested in giving it another try,” without worrying that she’s going to make unwarranted assumptions about your intent.

By the same token, you should feel comfortable enough to say “It’s totally fine if you’re not interested,” and hopefully she feels comfortable and secure enough in the friendship to give an honest answer if she isn’t. And if it does shake out that she isn’t feeling it? It may be awkward for a hot second, but you’ve come out of far more awkward moments before and you’re still good friends. Any awkwardness will be temporary and inconsequential, especially against the backdrop of your current friendship.

So take a little time to examine things first. Then, if you’re genuinely sure that there is some mutual interest, ask. Focus on being clear with your intent and interest more than trying to find the magic way to thread the needle; the more you try to dress it up to avoid awkwardness, the more you sacrifice understanding in the name of not making it uncomfortable.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I am literally not even 20 minutes removed from my first (and probably last) experience with a sex worker. Oh man. So a little background on 1. what led to this moment, and then 2. I’ll talk about the moment, and 3. how I feel right now, after the moment.

1. I’ve been struggling REALLY HARD from a breakup over a year ago. I’ve been miserable since and have seen a multiple therapists about it through the year. Although they’ve helped, it’s been temporary. I also realized through therapy that I have a sex/porn addiction. Anyways, the breakup made me realize I needed a fresh start because other aspects of my life were also in shambles (career, finances, social group etc). So I moved to Spain, and tonight, I was feeling incredibly lonely as I do most nights. So I decided to impulsively look up escorts in my area (the sex addiction trigger popping up). I messaged one and really nervously walked to her place, which leads me to….

2. To sum it up. It was bad. I was nervous, scared, excited, and just confused. It felt weird the whole thing. She wasn’t into it, there was a huge language barrier, and it felt so fake. I also originally booked 30 minutes but my nervousness wouldn’t allow me to relax and so nothing really happened the first 30 minutes other than me just bumbling around (mind you it’s been over a year since I had sex). Then I felt bad for her, for me so I booked another 30 minutes (140 Euro down the drain….gulp). The next was just as awkward as the first 30. Lots more bumbling and me trying to get aroused, but I couldn’t. I also have a history of not being able to get aroused with people I just met, I think I am a demisexual is the term. So overall, the experience was flaccid (intentional use of the word here….). So this leads me to…

3. Wow. I feel copious amounts of shame. Shame that I relapsed hardcore (I’ve gone to some SAA meetings and have been trying to stay sober), shame that I just threw away 140 Euros, and shame that I couldn’t perform. I feel confused, sad, VERY depressed, and even lonelier, and lots of anger for going through with it and wasting my money. I really don’t know what my question is, but just advice would be great on the whole thing. I feel honestly, so s--tty right now. I’m trying to use this experience as a catalyst for change. I know I have a lot deeper issues than just sex deprivation (which is another issue too). I need some help please. Thank you so much Dr.

Not So Casual Encounter

DEAR NOT SO CASUAL ENCOUNTER: That sounds like a painfully awkward and embarrassing experience and I’m sorry you went through it. 

There are a number of things to unpack here, but there’re two areas that I want to focus on. One is dealing with the feelings that you’re experiencing right now. Let’s tackle that first.

So to start with: you really don’t have anything to be ashamed of here. Let’s leave the inability to get aroused aside; that’s something that happens to everyone at one point or another. Penises are divas and will frequently make like Pavarotti and refuse to perform if circumstances aren’t perfect. If you’re prone to first time jitters, had too much to drink or your heart’s just not into it, you’re like as not to find yourself trying to shoot pool with a piece of rope. It’s natural, it’s normal and it’s honestly not that big of a deal. I can all but guarantee you that it’s not the first time the escort has dealt with situations like this… possibly not even the first time that week.

It’s not surprising that you had a lousy time, even if we separate out feelings of shame and humiliation. This was a bad time and not great service. You and she couldn’t understand each other, you were already feeling under the gun (30 minutes is NOT a lot of time, especially if you’re not ready to go or need time to warm up, as it were) and from the sounds of it you picked the wrong provider for the sort of experience you likely actually wanted. You wanted something closer to what’s known as a “girlfriend experience”, rather than just getting down to business and going.

Between the way things were organized, a lack of overall experience, the mismatch of expectations and a language barrier and a time crunch… yeah, that’s a recipe for an awkward encounter getting more awkward as one flails about trying to fix things in the moment.

But also it seems like you were seeking something entirely different than just getting your rocks off. I suspect, if the language barrier hadn’t been there, you might not have had sex so much as just companionship… which is actually fairly common. A lot of escorts have clients who are looking for someone to talk to and to not be alone; sex, if it happens at all, ends up being a secondary or tertiary concern.

So no, I don’t think you have anything to be ashamed of. You were lonely, feeling lost and out of control and you went looking for comfort. That’s a perfectly normal and human response.

I think, if there’s anything to take away from this, it’s to recognize that sex is often the vehicle that people use to find what they’re actually after. Visiting an escort isn’t all that unreasonable a means of easing the loneliness. Paid companionship is still companionship and it meant you weren’t going to be as lonely for an hour or so. But ultimately, you were looking for human connection rather than sex and the difficulties you had stemmed from that.

This was ultimately a learning experience, something that helped you get a little closer to understanding what you were actually looking for. The literal price of this lesson stings, I’m sure, but people have spent far more to learn similar things about themselves. I think that reframing this as “ok, that was awkward, but now I know myself better and I have a better idea how to handle this” will be much more helpful here.

But this leads us to the second thing I want to bring up. To be perfectly blunt: sex addiction and porn addiction aren’t really a thing. I’ll quote the American Association of Sex Educators, Counselors and Therapists on this:

“AASECT 1) does not find sufficient empirical evidence to support the classification of sex addiction or porn addiction as a mental health disorder, and 2) does not find the sexual addiction training and treatment methods and educational pedagogies to be adequately informed by accurate human sexuality knowledge. Therefore, it is the position of AASECT that linking problems related to sexual urges, thoughts or behaviors to a porn/sexual addiction process cannot be advanced by AASECT as a standard of practice for sexuality education delivery, counseling or therapy.”

Now, I know there are a lot of organizations and dubiously credentialed “experts” who will insist that it very much is. However, it’s important to note two related things:

1) sex and porn “addiction” is correlated very strongly with religious belief and guilt; the people most prone to seeking treatment for sex or porn addiction tend to be very religious and frequently have complex and troubled relationships with sex and sexuality

and

2) Many if not most of the organizations and counselors promoting sex addiction “recovery” or “treatment” are religiously based and affiliated with various churches.

This isn’t to say that people can’t have problematic relationships with sex or porn. However, these tend to be a form of self-medicating �– the way that drug addiction is often a result of external factors, such as depression or being unhoused – rather than being addicted to sex or porn itself.  If it weren’t porn or if porn were less easily accessible for one reason or another, the majority of people with problematic relationships with porn would be having a problematic and compulsive relationship with something else.

It sounds to me like you have issues surrounding self-worth and shame than with sex or porn. Dealing with those, finding better coping mechanisms and more effective methods of improving your sense of self, self-control and overall well-being are going to be far more helpful than beating yourself up over an awkward sexual encounter.

I think there’re three things that would be helpful here, from this angle.

The first is to forgive yourself for the awkward encounter you had. It wasn’t a good time by any stretch of the imagination, sure, but it’s not something to be ashamed of. You were trying to meet a need and picked something that seemed right in the moment, but turned out to not be what you actually needed. That’s not shameful; you were making the best decision you could at the time and that’s OK. You know better now, so you won’t make the same decision in the future.

The second is to find a sense of control. Right now, it sounds like part of the problem overall is that everything feels very chaotic and unmanageable. A lot of maladaptive behavior is often born out of seeking a sense of control over some aspect of one’s life – even if that control is ultimately negative. Focusing on even just one area and creating a zone in your life where you feel both at peace and that you have things handled is a very good way to remind yourself that you’re not, in fact powerless, and that you have a much better handle on things than it feels in the moment.

Maybe it’s working on your conversational Spanish. Maybe it’s learning how to make tapas or a window-box garden. Even if it’s just taking a weekend to give your apartment a floor-to-ceiling deep clean, finding some small area to express your agency can be huge in terms of creating a zone of comfort and peace. And when you have that foundation to work from, it becomes much easier to start breaking down those seemingly immense, chaotic disasters in your life into smaller, much more easily managed components.

The third thing is that I think you’d do better if you were seeking help from a therapist or counselor who’s trained in dealing with issues, especially feelings of shame regarding sex and porn use, from a sex-positive perspective. That doesn’t mean that the advice is “EVERYONE NEEDS TO GET LAID, GO GET SOME, YOU’LL FEEL BETTER”; it means recognizing that sex isn’t shameful nor something that needs to be restricted or regulated and that people should be having the sex they want (including no sex) with other consenting adults who want the same thing, in a healthy and productive manner. And if the sex you want to be having is more in the context of a relationship or with someone you have an emotional connection with, then that’s the kind of sex you should be having.

While AASECT doesn’t have a referral directory for therapists or counselors in Spain, many of the professionals they list will do video appointments. I’d recommend you check them out.

Finding that comes much more easily when you are coming to it from a place of understanding and self-compassion, rather than shame and recrimination. You deserve the sort of compassion and understanding you would give to your best friend; giving it to yourself and being kind to yourself is going to be much more productive and easier on your heart and soul than beating yourself up.

Be gentle with yourself. You deserve it.

All will be well.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: You’ve addressed similar questions before, but I wanted to come at my problem in more specific terms. I’m a 42M virgin. Never been in a relationship. Lots of reasons, but I would say the first is because I prioritized other things when I was younger and always thought there’d be time.

A close second, though, would be that I’m very reluctant to aggressively “chase” women. I’m not at all proactive when it comes to romance. Basically, every woman I’ve ever been attracted to had options, and I just wasn’t interested in competing with other men to get their attention. I also have a hard time giving off “sexual vibes” and breaking the touch barrier with women I’m attracted to. These passive traits of mine have always been a huge detriment to me, but especially at this age, where I feel most women expect the man to take the lead.

My question, then: Is it possible for me to become more aggressive in my pursuits, given my personality and lack of experience? If so, how can I go about learning this behavior without fundamentally changing who I am? Conversely, are there any other options for me to find a partner outside of “fixing” these issues of mine, or am I otherwise a lost cause?

Thanks for your advice!

Whose Move Is It?

DEAR WHOSE MOVE IS IT: I think you’re asking the wrong question, WMII. Especially since your question is “how do I make this change without actually changing” which is, y’know, not possible.

The issue is that you’re framing this as passivity, rather than confronting the real issue: you don’t feel like women would be interested in you, and you’re avoiding the possibility of rejection because of it. This is the root issue of a lot of approach anxiety; 9 times out of 10, people who deal with approach anxiety are ultimately dealing with the fear that they aren’t “good” enough for the women they want to date. They’re afraid that there’s just no “there” there, no reason for women to be interested in continuing the conversation or even to acknowledge them in the first place. The passivity is a cover for this anxiety – it gives a permission structure for doing nothing without acknowledging the actual underlying fear.

I suspect that this is also part of why “you always thought there’d be time”; the time that you thought you had more of wasn’t “I’d have more available spoons” so much as a point where you wouldn’t feel like you had to keep putting it off.

I mean, it doesn’t exactly take Sherlock Holmes or Sigmund Freud to see this; the comments about women “having options” and “competing with other men for her attention” are pretty glaring in their obviousness. Why would she be interested in you if she had other possible suitors? What would motivate her to keep engaging with you when other people – handsomer, more charming, more interesting, “better” people – exist and may even be in the same bar as you? The same goes with not being good at giving off “sexual vibes”; you can’t really give them off if you don’t think you have any sex appeal to start with.

Here’s the thing: this is all about avoiding the discomfort of making yourself vulnerable and risking rejection by people who would be “confirming” that you’re not “good enough”. After all, if a woman ultimately made the first move, that would imply that she is so strongly attracted to you that she was motivated to buck socialization and do the heavy lifting for you, so you don’t have to worry about that fear of her realizing that you weren’t worth her time. That’s what this all comes down to: waiting for someone else to alleviate your fears for you, rather than confronting them yourself. If I had a nickel for every time I dealt with someone who expressed a variation of those comments, I could buy a really nice mid-life-crisis-mobile – maybe that Chevy Thriftmaster restomod I’ve dreamed about for years. I know matte black is kind of a cliché, but with some cherry wood paneling and chrome finishes to contrast on the interior…

Sorry, got distracted for a moment there.

The point is that you see women as being the ultimate arbiters of who gets dates – the gatekeepers of sex – and as such, they’re supposedly incentivized to only pay attention to “the best”.

This is just another variation of the whole “20% of men date 80% of the women” s—t that goes around every few months, and it all comes down to this weird belief that women are weighing each guy they meet against all the others and only choosing the “top” options. Except that’s not how people actually date. Guys aren’t being measured against one another, it’s whether she likes you or doesn’t like you. You’re not “competing” against other men, you’re competing against a night at home alone with a glass of wine, Nobody Asked For This queued up and a romantic interlude with Bob the Battery Operated Boyfriend. And even if she’s seeing other people while also seeing you, it’s still a question of how she feels about you, specifically, not “how do she feels about you in comparison to Tim, Dashell and/or Horton.”

(I would also point out that you have options as well, just like women do – whether you notice those options or like them doesn’t change the fact that you have them. And women, too, have to “compete” for men’s attention; in fact, that notion’s so normalized and mainstream that it’s easy to forget that just how much content there is out there for women that’s all about how to capture and keep a guy’s attention and out-compete other women…)

So if you want to learn to be more assertive and to take the initiative, you’re going to have to let go of the idea that this is all due to inherent passivity and instead focus on how you feel about yourself. You have to be your first, biggest and most vocal supporter, hype man and cheerleader; if you don’t believe in your own worth and your own value, nobody else is going to do it for you. You have to treat your being a virgin – older or not – as being an individual data point, rather than something shameful or definitional. And not the most relevant or important data point either, just one individual aspect of who you are.

Feeling more confident in yourself and what you bring to the table cuts through the anxiety because now you don’t feel like you have to “justify” your interest in someone else. Instead, you’re in a place where you can come to every interaction with “ok, I know you’re attractive, but what about you makes you a good match for me?” Instead of seeing it as “I have to compete for her attention” or “I have to prove I’m the best option” – and thus, coming to the interaction from a place of insecurity – you’re able to focus on getting to know the other person, connecting with them and seeing them as a potential partner, rather than someone who’s approval you have to not just seek but drag up from negative numbers.

That also means that you’re going to have to be comfortable with seeing yourself as a sexual being – not just sexually desirable but someone who is sexual. You can’t give “sexual” vibes if you feel like you’re null or unsexy. The fact that you haven’t had sex doesn’t preclude you from having sexuality. Being a virgin or not is just a matter of having had a specific experience. Sexuality is your relationship with sex and with yourself. It’s in as much in how you move, how you carry yourself and how you interact with other people as it is what bases you’ve hit or how many people you’ve made squishy noises with. Part of what makes Regé-Jean Page sexy in Bridgerton is the way that he makes something as simple as eating from a spoon is a sensual act. It’s a literal performance and one that is practiced, not inherent because he ticked off enough notches in his bedpost and leveled up.

Does the fact that you’re a virgin limit you? No. Your attitude about being a virgin does. So does your relationship with yourself, your body, your everything. If you can learn to see yourself as a sexy, sexy man and how to express it, being a virgin becomes a quirk or possibly even a value-add for people. And part of understanding your value means being willing to dismiss people who do have a problem with your virginity as being a bad match for you, rather than seeing it as proof that there’s something wrong with you.

And yes, this will require making changes to who you are as a person. Trying to accomplish this without actually changing just means that you’re putting up a false front, a potentially pleasing façade with no substance. Those are the sorts of tricks that pick-up artists have been trying for decades and not only do they not work, they actually hinder you because you will always know that it’s fake and be waiting for the moment that women will realize it.

And they will. Like I said: PUAs have been pulling that s—t for decades and women aren’t stupid.    

Now to be sure, there’s nothing wrong with not being the more aggressive partner in the relationship, nor is there a problem with being drawn to women who are more aggressive or assertive than you. But even someone who’s less assertive has to actually put themselves out there. The (still) popular belief that all a woman has to do is exist in order to get dates and attention is based out of not recognizing or understanding the amount of effort that women put into being approachable. Between styling and presentation, trying to signal interest without being too obvious and often straining their backs by trying to carry on a conversation all by themselves with a guy who never asks a single question about them, even women who take a more “traditional” role in the approach/approached dynamic are doing a metric f--kton of work.

So if you want to be approached rather than doing the approaching, you’re going to have to be willing to make similar efforts… and even then you’re going to have to take steps to try to find the women who are more interested in taking the lead. And that’s not going to happen if you don’t actually believe in your own worth first; if you don’t see it in yourself, other folks simply aren’t going to be so motivated to do it for you. And even then, that’s not going to make you immune to rejection. As any woman who’s been approached can tell you, someone else making the first move doesn’t mean they won’t reject you. It just means they decided to make the first move.

So stop thinking of this in terms of “passivity” and instead start confronting the underlying anxiety. Passivity is the way you’re trying to protect yourself from what you fear. Focus on building up the substance, recognizing your own value and becoming more in tune with yourself as a sexual being. Once you start believing in that, the rest is a matter of practice.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com