DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: So I’m 21 years old. I’m apparently not sane person. I have autism, ATH, borderline mania, borderline depression and personality disorder.

I have managed to somewhat fix the big problems and started to act like a normal person. I work and I’m keen to learn new things every day.

But for some reason, when I meet some women, they always act interested and even sometimes tell or show the interest of intimate relationship. And with in 1 to 2 days they always disappear. Then they text me that they need some time. While telling me that she is terrified of me. And they can never tell me what it is that terrifies them.

I know that I’m a somewhat huge (not fat) man. And it looks weird when I love cute things. But is it that.

Why So Scary?

DEAR RWHY SO SCARY: OK at the risk of sounding dismissive, WSS: I have no idea what you’re doing. I’m not there, I’m not seeing whatever these women are seeing and, critically, I’m a guy, so what is terrifying to them may not necessarily be as terrifying to me. Hell, it’s even possible that you really weren’t doing anything wrong, and this was all on them.

Now that having been said: if it were one person, that could be a fluke. Any individual can have their own hangups, fears or triggers and you could well have stepped on a landmine that you had no way of knowing was there. But if this has happened two, three, four or more times? That’s a pattern, and it’s time to start looking for what each of those incidents have in common. And the most obvious thing they have in common is, well… you. So part of what you’re going to want to do is to start examining your behavior and what you’ve been doing and what you’re acting like. Once you have some ideas of what you’re doing wrong, you can start correcting that behavior and hopefully avoiding creeping people out by accident.

You’ve given a few details that could possibly help narrow things down. The first is, quite simply, your size. You say you’re a huge guy. That can make a significant difference. Men on average tend to be larger and heavier than women. That alone can be enough to put women on their guard; the knowledge that you could hold them down and they wouldn’t have leverage – metaphorical or literal – to get you off can be intimidating in and of itself. If you’re larger than average, then that can increase the intimidation level exponentially. And if there are other issues going on or behaviors that are setting off their Spidey-sense, then your size can be a significant amplifier to something that already gives them the wiggins.

Another potential cause is your behavior, especially in relationship to your mental health. You mention at the top that you have a personality disorder and that you’ve got issues with mania and depression. It’s certainly possible, for example, that if you had a manic episode when you were talking with these women, that you came off as being incredibly intense, possibly to a level that people would find frightening or intimidating. It’s also possible that you have a form of rejection-sensitive dysphoria; this tends to be co-morbid with a number of mental health conditions, including borderline personality disorder and ADHD. If there was a point where you were worried that they might be pulling back or that you were feeling like you were about to be rejected and you were doing something to try to pre-empt that – even something you thought wasn’t all that bad, you may have come off as obsessive or pushy or overly invested in a way that made you feel “off” to them.

You might even have been over-eager or overly excited in a way that you didn’t realize was off-putting, but that made them feel like something was wrong, even though you had nothing but the best of intentions. This is actually a very common way that guys end up snatching defeat from the jaws of victory; they get so worked up and excited about seeing the other person that they end up pushing at things – wanting to meet up sooner, wanting to meet up for longer or more often, wanting to skip straight to the naked parts and so on. God knows I’ve ended up missing out on an all-but-sure-thing because I got out over my skis in the weeks before we were supposed to hook up. Even if it wasn’t actively scary, that sort of behavior can make folks say “ok, I don’t want to deal with this guy if he’s going to act like this.”

But even well-meaning behavior, behavior that seems like golden retriever energy to one person can feel like an excessive or frightening level of intensity and interest to someone else. This is especially true if said golden retriever is much larger than the person on the receiving end of it. Just as a large dog can accidentally hurt someone without meaning to, that excitement can go from adorable to “oh s--t, what if I upset him by disagreeing?” very quickly.

Or it’s possible that you’ve done nothing wrong, and you’ve had a string of bad luck. It’s certainly possible that they were reacting to your being autistic and rounded up “I’m unsure/unused to what I’m seeing here” to being scared. Multiple times in a row seems unlikely but it’s not impossible.

This is one of those times where it would be helpful if you have someone to give you an outsider’s opinion. If you have some female friends, it may be worth asking them if you give off a weird or intimidating or creepy vibe without meaning to. It’ll be important that they be honest with you and not hedge their judgement because they know you well. They may know that you’re as harmless as a puppy and understand the whys and wherefores of how you act, but they should be able to say “yeah, to someone who doesn’t know you, this could be scary.” 

From what you’ve said, you’re only starting to get your conditions under control. If that’s the case… well, I think we may be back to the combination of your size and the mental health conditions you’re dealing with. If you’re still early in your treatment, you may still have lingering behavioral cues that aren’t well managed yet or that are still problematic for you. If so, you may want to give it a bit more time while you adjust and learn how to manage your conditions more effectively.

Regardless, I think you may want to take dating off the table for a bit while you try to work this through. Do as thorough of an assessment of what you’ve said and done when you were in touch with these women and, if you possibly can, reach out to some female friends who you trust to give you their honest opinion. Failing that, talking to your therapist could be helpful in drilling down and figuring out where the disconnect is. The sooner you figure out what’s happening, the sooner you can address it and not run into these issues again.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I have a bit of an odd question; I want to share a situation and get a third party perspective on it too see if there were red flags or if I was just being a little too jaded. 

Bit of background I was in a (for me) very serious relationship with someone I loved deeply, and they dumped me last November, I took a lot of time to get myself healthy and good and joined the dating pool again this summer looking for something casual and low key. After some chatting and first dates that didn’t go anywhere, I start talking with Jon. He’s flirty and fun over text, a little intense with asking a lot of questions about what I like and don’t like, but English isn’t his first language, so I give him a little grace. 

Side note, trying to sext with someone who learned English a bit later in life can get wild and not in a good way lol. 

After a week of texting and him bringing up meeting in person I let him know I’m interested, and let’s find a coffee shop or park or something to meet at first. He suggests his house. I let him know that I need to meet in public first, and add in a bit of humor with “so you know I’m not a serial killer before we head back to your place”. He changes the subject, and we keep chatting. Couple days later he wants to talk on the phone, and again brings up me coming over, this time asking, “do you REALLY want to meet in public first?” And I say yes, then get off the phone because I hate talking on the phone. 

I also start to notice that while I’m sending him pictures, he never sends any back and makes excuses when I ask for them, so I let him know that I want to TRADE photos not just give them, and try to turn it into a sexy game. When he sends me a pic of him in a state of undress I’ll match it. Sounds hot to me. I don’t get any photos, so I stop sending them, I give him another 2 weeks but all I get is some casual “how are you?” And “it’s been a long time since I’ve had sex, I’m horny” so finally I wash my hands of the whole mess and end things (even though they never really started). 

I’m 37 and don’t have time for the sort of nonsense I think he was doing. Sorry this got so long. So after reading that whole mess, were there actual red flags or is my calibration off? 

Thanks for your help!

Red Flags Look Like A Parade When You’re Color Blind

DEAR RED FLAGS LOOK LIKE A PARADE WHEN YOU’RE COLOR BLIND: I’m going to start off by saying that these sound less like red flags and more like pink one. What you describe here doesn’t sound like you were picking up on signs that something was off or wrong or that you would otherwise be in danger. But that doesn’t mean that you weren’t getting a vibe from him that made you feel less than comfortable and feeling less secure about meeting up with him.

Part of what makes me hesitant to say yes or no is the language gap; he wasn’t a native speaker and English as a language is notorious for not making a lick of goddamn sense to anyone who comes from a country and culture with a language that isn’t as kleptomaniacal as English. English isn’t a language so much as the grammar of three different languages in a trench coat, but they keep shuffling around and punching each other in the junk as they all fight to be the head instead of the legs while running around and grabbing up all the dropped idioms they find in the street.

It’s certainly possible that his grasp of English – which, as you said, made sexting a challenge and not even a sexy one – was getting in the way of things. Consider, for example, that while the words are basically the same thing, there’s a very significant difference between horsing around and pony play. Or a butt dial and a booty call. Or “I’m sorry Daddy I’ve been naughty” and “Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned”.

It’s also possible that there were cultural misunderstandings. It may well be that he assumed that what with pictures being traded and all, that this was a done deal. Asking to meet up in person may have seemed like an extra and unnecessary step, especially to someone who may never have grasped the difference in the risks that men and women face when it comes to meeting a stranger, especially for sex.

But mostly it seems that what he wanted was low-effort sex and getting pictures and wasn’t that interested in anything that slowed those down or giving much back.

So, as I said: I would call these pink flags more than red ones. There’re a few places where maybe wires were crossed and misunderstandings slipped in, or he could just be a garden-variety jackass.

Now to be clear: that doesn’t mean that this was all fine and dandy and you missed out on some quality sex because you need to recalibrate your Spidey-sense. Far from it. Regardless of my thoughts on these particular flags, I think there was enough there that you made the right call to say “yeah, I’m not doing this.” The fact that he seemed to not take your request to meet up in a neutral public place first seriously was more than enough to disqualify him for whatever sexy times you had in mind. The fact that he didn’t seem to grasp that this was just a vibe check before you went back to bang out rather than a “you’re not getting laid the first time we meet” suggests that either he didn’t understand – but didn’t think to ask to clarify things – or that he just wanted the sure thing to also deliver itself to him like he was ordering Uber Eats.

It’s also possible he’s just one of those time-wasters folks run into on dating apps and hook-up sites, who wants to collect pics (and maybe swap a couple) but not meet up. He may have been cool with your showing up on his doorstep wearing nothing but a coat, heels and a smile, but he didn’t have any interest in being proactive about it. Which is, unfortunately, frequently par for the course.

Regardless, even under the most generous interpretation, it sounds like you missed out on what would’ve been lousy sex. Under the worst… maybe there was something rotten in the state of arousal. But while I don’t think you necessarily dodged a bullet, I think you definitely dodged some unsatisfying d--k.

But a thing I want to emphasize here is that just because I think these were pink flags rather than red ones, that doesn’t mean that they weren’t red flags to you. And more to the point, even if there were no red flags, that doesn’t mean that you made the wrong call. Just because someone isn’t tripping your Spidey-sense doesn’t mean that their behavior still can’t be disqualifying. You wanted to meet up in person for a vibe check before you decided to get d--ked down and he clearly didn’t want to. That’s all you really need to say “yeah, nah, we’re not doing this”.

You’re allowed to set standards – for your safety, for your comfort, for your pleasure, even for s--ts and giggles if you feel like it – that your potential partners need to meet. If they don’t meet them, for whatever reason, you’re allowed to decide that this is a deal breaker. You can decide to call it off because you had a bad dream about him that you couldn’t shake. You are allowed, at any point, to decide that you don’t want to see him or his junk, for any reason, no matter how arbitrary. Other people may think it’s excessive or stupid or unnecessary but that’s their lookout, not yours. It’s your body, your call, nobody else’s. Other people can have opinions about it, but they don’t get a vote.

So to TL;DR it: I think these were more pink flags than red ones. But even if they were green flags, you’re still allowed to say you’re not feeling it because reasons. And flags or no flags, I think you made the right call for you.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: After being single for some time and dealing with some traumas that happened in that time, I’m getting ready to get back out there to find someone with the hopes of getting married and having a family. The catch you ask. Well, the issue is dating itself or my lack thereof. As a 39-year-old male I have never had a serious long-term relationship in my life. My two longest relationships were roughly two months before they ended. I’ve always struggled with dating ever since I was a teenager and finding anyone interested in me was aways like pulling teeth. I often went years without dating anyone because I couldn’t find anyone potentially interested in me.

On top of that I had some health issues in my early 20’s to early 30’s that because of my health issues I voluntarily took myself out of the dating scene because of what I was going through limited what I could have done and to be honest I was never going to be successful then when I was having my problems. My last attempt at an actual relationship was 6.5 years ago. Trying to get back in, I feel that my lack of experience is the albatross across my neck that is going to be setting off all sorts of red flags with potential partners.

My lack of experience and lack of long-term success in dating has always been something that I have a lot of shame for along with my other problems. My lack of experience has basically killed any confidence I have with dating. Part of me knows I will be successful, and I will find someone, however part of me knows that I am going to be a failure and stuck being alone and miserable the rest of my life. I certainly don’t believe in karma, but it sometimes feels like this is the karma I get for my past behaviors.

So, what can I do to get some of my confidence or lack thereof back?

Thanks

Bad At Dating

DEAR BAD AT DATING: Ok, dropping the “karma for past behaviors” makes me wonder precisely what those behaviors were that this would be karma for. If this wasn’t due to egregious behavior or having done something heinous, then I’m not sure how they would condemn you to permanent singledom. I would also assume these are in the past and things that you have either grown past, sought forgiveness for, made amends for or all of the above. If not… well, I’d start there.

But that aside, I have a quick question, BAD: if you encountered a woman your age who had never been married, hadn’t had a relationship for longer than a few months and had, for a time, deliberately taken herself off the dating market because of other issues in her life… what would you think of her? Would you see that as a red flag? Would you think that this meant that there was something seriously wrong with her?

And if so… why? Why, specifically, would you see this as being a warning sign? Especially if she had the qualities you were looking for in a partner? Are those real worries, or are they ones that you think you should have, all evidence to the contrary?

But maybe you wouldn’t automatically assume that she’s somehow damaged, flawed or otherwise an unsuitable partner. Maybe you could empathize, understand that dating can be difficult and sometimes life will throw sand in the gears. Perhaps you could understand, even without personal experience, that sometimes s--t happens that’s outside your control and means that dating and romance has to be put on hold while they deal with these other issues.

So why would you give that grace to someone else, but be unworthy of it yourself? Why would you assume, with no evidence, that your inexperience would be seen as a negative or a warning sign, especially when you could understand why it wasn’t a red flag in others? I mean, you’re not so uniquely benevolent that you have wellsprings of charity that other people don’t have, no Buddha-like beneficence that makes you stand out from the rest of the world. You’re an average guy, same as everyone else. So why are you capable of giving grace while also being uniquely incapable of receiving it?

Or is it just that you’ve heard other people say this with no actual evidence and taken it on as gospel? And before you say it: social media doesn’t count as actual evidence, any more than one person’s TikTok video is indicative of a political or social trend.

Another question for you: what is this lack of relationship history going to say about you that’s inherently bad – so bad that no context or knowledge of you as a person could make up for it? What is it going to say that’s missing? That other women didn’t like you? And? It’s not as though women can’t understand other people not finding them attractive or struggling to find a partner. Nor is it that having lots of former partners automatically says anything good about a person. A guy who has fifty exes isn’t automatically more desirable than someone who only has one, and in many cases might be less desirable.

Now the next question for you, BAD: how are people going to learn about this lack of dating experience? Because I have been on more first dates than you’ve had hot dinners and I’ve never had anyone ask me for my relationship resume, nor even the number of people I’ve slept with. I can count on the fingers of one hand the people I’ve had relationships with where the extent of my dating or sexual history has come up, and none of them asked about it up front; it was something that came up organically and only after we’d been dating for a bit. Even fewer asked or cared about numbers; the only times any of it mattered was because a particular past relationship was directly relevant.

So unless you’re having a deluge of people who are asking you to list out references with up-to-date contact information like you’re applying for a job, the odds that this is ever going to come up is low. Or if you have some compulsion to spit it out before your appetizers have even arrived, that might be a red flag… not because you have no dating history, but because you’re demonstrating lower social intelligence than most people would want in a partner.

But if we assume, quite reasonably, that you’re like anyone else, if/when it does come up, the odds are that it will be in context of a relationship with someone who actually knows and presumably understands you and why you might have struggled with relationships. If they have so little empathy, compassion or understanding that this would suddenly change how they feel… well, that’s a flaw in them, not a flaw in you.

And related to that: why would you want to date someone who is going to immediately judge you based on… well, literally nothing? Are you exclusively attracted to judgmental women? Are you only into women who have a very stringent checklist and who reject anyone who doesn’t tick every single box? Are you really going to find yourself wanting to be in a relationship with someone who has no compassion, no understanding, no ability to say “oh, that must have been rough, I’m sorry you went through that”? Would you really regret not being in a relationship with someone who would say “you are a great guy, and you have all these wonderful qualities, but you didn’t get the stamp of approval from at least 5 other women first and so with regret I have to end this?”

Writing it all out like this makes this whole thing seem pretty absurd, doesn’t it? Well, that’s because it is. Your dating history isn’t an objective mark of anything other than the number of people you’ve dated. It doesn’t negate all your other qualities, nor does it override the reasons why someone would be attracted to you. It’s not definitional, any more than being left-handed or having hazel eyes is definitional. It doesn’t tell people who you are. It doesn’t mean you’re more or less desirable; it just means you haven’t dated. It’s a data point, not the sum totality, and not even the most significant data point.

It means exactly as much or as little as you make it mean. People are far more likely to assume it means something negative because you act like it does; you’re the expert on you, after all, so clearly you know something they don’t. But if you just treat it as no big deal, they are more likely to treat it as no big deal. And the ones who do are people who have self-selected out of your dating pool as being utterly wrong for you.

Improving your self-confidence is going to be contingent on no longer treating this as anything than a neutral fact. It may have informed part of who you are today, but if you like who you are, that’s not a bad thing. So the key is to realize that it’s only as big of a deal as you make it. If you can go around your daily life without the Scarlet S (for “single”) turning you into the town pariah, you can date without it being the dealbreaker you think it is.

This is as big of a deal as you make it out to be, BAD. So choose how much you are going to let it define you. You’re the only person who can.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com