Ask Dr. Nerdlove

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’ve read articles where one person or the other in a relationship has lost their interest in sex, but what happens when it’s both of you?

So, my husband and I have been together for close to twenty years now, including five as married partners. We’ve had our ups and downs, opened our relationship and closed it occasionally as needed, but we’ve always had a strong sexual connection with one another. This connection has weathered a lot of trials – when my father died suddenly from a stroke; when my husband lost his job; when we both had to pack our bags and move last minute to take care of his ailing parents while he still didn’t have a job; to my switching careers and his string of ill-fitting jobs before he found his current job that he loves. Through it all, we’ve always had that spark. It may not have been the sort of “can’t keep our hands off each other” the way it was when we were both horny 20-somethings, but it’s always been there, and it’s always been part of what’s kept our relationship strong. 

Then the election happened, and things just seemed to taper off until it stopped completely. By the end of January, we hadn’t had sex in two months; not with each other, not with any outside partners and honestly, barely with ourselves. I haven’t had any interest in masturbating and my husband, likewise, hasn’t had so much as morning wood. 

We’re both healthy, with recent physicals that tell us that everything’s ok on a hormonal level. Neither of us have had any major life changes or started new medications. I’m honestly unsure what else it could be, because it wasn’t like turning off a light, more like the way a faucet slows, drips and then stops. Except it doesn’t seem like we’re able to turn the faucet back on again. Neither of us currently has an outside partner and we’re not really interested in finding one and it’s not like we’re unhappy with each other. We still love and care for each other and can’t imagine life without each other. It just seems like we’ve hit a dead patch and we’re not sure what to do. 

Do you have any advice to bring things back when both people in the relationship just aren’t feeling it? 

Winter Doldrums

DEAR WINTER DOLDRUMS: You know the famous quote from Sherlock Holmes, the one that goes “When you have eliminated all which is impossible, then whatever remains, however improbable, must be the truth”?

Well, the same thing applies here. You’ve eliminated the obvious possibilities – there hasn’t been any major life changes, you’re physically in good health, neither of you are interested in other people, and so on – and so it seems the most obvious answer is… well, you’re too depressed to f--k.

Here’s the thing about the human libido: it’s a weird, fickle little bastard that doesn’t seem to make a lick of goddamn sense in its response. A lot of the time, it has as much to do with what’s in your head as what’s in your pants. A lot of people who deal with a sudden or unexpected death, for example, find that they’re almost uncontrollably horny in the aftermath, at a time when they would be forgiven if sex was the last thing on their mind. For them, it’s like their sex drive is a part of their brain that’s lashing out against the unfairness of death; they respond to that loss with the ultimate rejection of mortality by being driven to the act of creating new life. Some people lose their libido during times of stress, like their body is reserving their energy for other tasks, while others become veritable satyrs, almost insatiable as orgasm serves as a release and reprieve from the tension. Some people don’t feel sexual desire unless they feel an emotional connection and some people lose desire when they start to catch feelings. So you can be forgiven for being confused when, after all the craziness that you’ve experienced didn’t make a dent in your libido, this is when it decides to crash.

And honestly, it’s understandable. This is a time of incredible upheaval, when the world feels like its on a tipping point, again. This is the sort of thing that tends to put people in survival mode, rather than thinking about banging. During the lockdowns, people used to joke that this was going to lead to a massive baby boom; after all, the world was suddenly stuck at home and the assumption was that we’d all start friggin’ in the riggin’ ‘cuz there was f--k-all else to do. Instead, there was a global decline in births in most of the developed world, and even subsequent surges have never returned the birth rate to the previous levels.  

Well, now the US is at a place where the most marginalized among us are at risk, where the strength of the Republic is being tested to the breaking point by people who seem determined to drive a bulldozer through all of it in the name of personal power and making billionaires just a little bit richer and f--k everyone else. It’s certainly possible – likely, even – that the sheer scope of the danger and uncertainty, to the economy, to the country and to the people has left the both of you in a place where sex isn’t the last thing on your mind because that would imply it was still on the list.

So what do you do about this? Well, I think the first thing is that you don’t want to psych yourself out about it. Our libidos can respond to our brains as much as it does to our limbic system, and starting to treat this like a permanent change or getting too deep in your heads about it is precisely the sort of thing that’s likely to keep you from feeling like setting the sheets on fire again. When you get caught up in the panic and keep it in the forefront of your mind, it can be a self-reinforcing cycle; you worry about how little sex you’re having, which tanks your libido, which makes you think about it constantly, which makes you worry. Making it front and center of your worries keeps your attention on the part you don’t want – the sex you’re not having. But trying to not think of it isn’t the answer either. It’s like trying to not think about Sabrina Carpenter riding Gritty in a pony-play outfit while singing The Ballad of Bilbo Baggins; the more effort you put into pushing it away means you can’t stop picturing it.   

(What can I say except “you’re welcome”…)

But here’s the other thing about libidos. One of the weird things is how often it tends to respond to the status quo. If you’re not having it, you tend to want it less; if you’re having a lot of it, you tend to want more. So sometimes the answer is to break the status quo and force the issue.

Now to be sure, that’s easy to say and hard to do when neither of you are feeling like getting busy. However, this is a good time to take a page from Dr. Emily Nagoski’s book and pay attention to what’s known as responsive desire; that is, desire that happens after sex is initiated, rather than getting horny and then initiating sex. Instead of waiting for desire to come back on its own, I would suggest seeing about whether you can summon it instead, like you’re trying to invoke Priapus and Eros.

I’m not suggesting that you two force the issue – whether with a few drinks, some edibles or some blue pills to make the erections happen. I don’t think trying to force arousal is going to be the right move; it’s more likely to reinforce the feeling of ‘well, this ain’t happening’. Instead, what I would suggest is that you schedule time for just the two of you; maybe this can be at home or maybe this can be at a romantic overnight somewhere. The important part is that you’re going to make time for the two of you that’s just about the two of you and the intimacy of your relationship. No internet, no distractions, just the two of you having time to yourselves that’s strictly for yourselves, with both of you strictly there in the now. You cuddle, you rub each other’s backs and feet, you engage in all the affectionate, intimate physical contact of couples and just… relax. There’s no pressure to do anything except to simply enjoy the almost primordial pleasure of being in physical contact with another person. Give each other those hits of dopamine that come from skin-to-skin contact and just let the universe dissolve to just the two of you.

From there, you go where the mood leads you. Maybe you decide to make out a little, maybe you share a long hot bath, maybe you just decide to fall asleep in a two-person cuddle-puddle. The important thing is that you’ve stolen away this time from the world and shut everything out because this is just about you. You give yourselves permission to have sex if you feel so moved, but also to not do so if you don’t. Maybe you’ll decide to get things started even if you’re not necessarily in the mood. Maybe you’ll decide to just enjoy a moment of peace in your two-person cocoon away from the world. You may decide to try doing the little things that you know get a response from each other and see what happens. Or you may just decide that a night without thinking about sex and just being intimate is what you need.

Then, schedule another night. Again, it doesn’t need to be an elaborate date night, it just needs to be something you’ve carved out time for, that you can look forward to, when there are no other distractions or demands on your time or attention. Be physically close and intimate but otherwise without expectations and a “whatever happens, happens” attitude. I think you’ll be surprised at how much tension drains away, even if you don’t necessarily feel the familiar stirrings… and taking away that tension takes your foot off the brakes, as Nagoski suggests.

Yes, it may take a bit before your libidos return to where they were before, but these moments will help reinforce the connection you have to each other. The intimacy is as important as the orgasms and the moment of peace will be like a cool washcloth on a fevered brow. That, I think, will make it a lot more likely that you’ll feel the beginnings of a spark… with plenty of tinder left around for that spark to catch.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’m not sure exactly what this is meant to be. Seeking advice, ranting/venting. But I’ve just got some stuff that I need to say to someone, and it feels too embarrassing to talk to anyone I know about.

My (32M) dating life has been pretty dire for a few years now, and it has had a significant impact on my mental health and wellbeing. I have completely lost confidence in myself and feel utterly undesirable. Any time it seems like something is going my way I get my hopes up again, but when it inevitably fails, I am completely crushed and am unable to get out of bed or do anything for days. I am just stuck there, with all of my failures running through my head, feeling completely worthless.

Yes, I need to go back to therapy, but I recently moved countries and am unemployed and don’t have easy access to that right now.

The thing is, it wasn’t always like this. I’ve never been a true player or anything, but in my 20s I had multiple serious relationships, and did a fair bit of casual dating. The point where things flipped was during covid. During that time, I was in a country that had extended lockdowns. When it started, I was still in my mid-late 20s, but by the time things got back to normal I was just shy of 30. After that, things sharply dropped off. I remade my dating profiles, pretty much exactly as they were, just with some updated pics, and I got straight up zero likes from real profiles. I try not to use them much now because that is not particularly helpful for my confidence, but every now and then try it out again. I’ve deleted and remade profiles so many times, taken new photos, tried a bunch of different bios, tried boosts whenever they offer them for 99c, nothing seems to change. The only thing that got me matches was leaving my height (5’7) off the profile, but I didn’t engage with any of those people as it was just an experiment and most of them had “tall guys only” or something to that effect in their bios. My height has never been much of a problem for me before. I never felt particularly hindered by it, though maybe a little self-conscious from time to time if my confidence had dipped, but now it bothers me, along with my bad skin and acne.

I’ve never been good at meeting people in real life, but I have been trying to focus on that and getting better at it lately. In my 20s, the only times I had success were when girls came to me and initiated. Trying to do this now, I have probably averaged one sexual/romantic encounter a year. These rarely make me feel good as they have all been with people I was not attracted to/didn’t feel a connection with. I hate doing that, because I think it is a s--tty thing to do to someone else, but sometimes the desperation/loneliness/alcohol leads you to do things you don’t want to do. I’m not bad at talking to people, I can make friends and connect with people fairly easily. It’s not something that came to me naturally (More than one mental health professional has suggested that I am likely autistic) but I put a lot of work and therapy into it and feel that I have fairly well acquired this skill now. Probably the biggest problem I have in this regard is approaching/flirting with people. I really struggle with doing this in a romantic setting.

I do meet and connect with girls that I like, but it always ends up being a torturous, negative experience. Mostly with me being relegated to being a friend, or something nebulous that keeps me hopeful, but never actually goes anywhere. To give some examples, I met and connected with someone recently in a very intense way. I have only met a few people in my life where we connect this well, but it has been a painful and upsetting experience. It always seems like it is going somewhere, but ends up hurting a great deal. She invited me to a gig the other day, and it was great, we were flirting and having fun, but I went to the bar to get drinks and came back to find her cuddled up with some other guy. This basic scenario has happened multiple times with this person. I’m not someone who feels that I need to own someone that I’m not with (or am with really). We’re not together, so it is fine for her to see other people, but it just seems that every time I get my hopes up, or things feel good, something like this happens and absolutely crushes me. Similarly, I met a girl at a bar when I was out with a friend recently. It was going great, she was cool and a bit weird, like me. She invited me to come to her upcoming birthday party. But then I went to the bathroom at one point and came back to find her making out with some other guy (not my friend).

The last person that I slept with, I met on a night out with this same friend of mine. My friend went home and she was still hanging around, so I took her back to my place. But in the morning, she told me that, while she had greatly enjoyed the night, she was actually interested in my friend and asked me to give him her number and “put in a good word”. Now, in her defense, this friend of mine is a truly beautiful guy, but still. Why say that? That was a blow my confidence really didn’t need.

So yeah, that’s basically how it has been going. At this point I feel like I just want to stop trying. It is just too painful to get excited about something, because then it just hurts even more when it falls apart. It also means that I’m pretty much always going in to something with the expectation that it isn’t going to go well. I’ve been trying to learn more about flirting and approaching, but it is hard to find stuff that doesn’t read like PUA bulls--t or isn’t super cringe. My confidence is basically non-existent now. Especially if I ever end up in a situation where it feels like I’m competing with someone else. I’m not a terrible looking guy, probably pretty average, but I’m short and I struggle with chronic acne due to a medical problem. As soon as someone tall and good-looking enters the picture I just feel pathetic and want to disappear and go home and cry.

Anyway, I’m trying to not be too self-pitying here, but I just want to point out how I’m struggling with this. I have passions that I am dedicated to, hobbies that keep me busy, and I exercise regularly. Sometimes I can channel the frustration and feelings of low self-worth into my passions, with the mindset of empowering and improving myself that way, but lately I’ve been feeling so crushed that I can’t bring myself to do it.

But yeah, more than anything, I just needed to vent this out and get opinions on my situation. I would love some advice, or harsh truths, or whatever thoughts you’ve got. This submission definitely doesn’t advertise my qualities, and I don’t believe that I am entitled to sex, or love, or a relationship. But I’m frustrated by my failures and still lost for a reason that my dating life changed so drastically and suddenly. My appearance hasn’t changed significantly, aside from looking older, my social skills are better, and my personality is not significantly different. The one thing that I can imagine is the case is that, in my 20s, the women that were in my dating pool have no problem with a cute little guy, but for the women looking for guys in the 30s, that doesn’t fly so well. There’s likely more to it than that, things that don’t revolve around one specific insecurity of mine, but I don’t know what they are.

Flipping Switches

DEAR FLIPPING SWITCHES: Alright, FS, this is one of those times where I think the best thing you can do for yourself is give yourself permission to not date for a bit because I think you’re trying to wrestle with too much all at once. You’re going to be a lot happier and a lot more successful if you give yourself a break and stop trying to recreate a world that doesn’t exist anymore, for a life that no longer exists either.

Now normally I dive into the inner game issues first – and trust me, we’ll get there, this is going to be an important part of your recovery – but I think this time, what we need is to focus on the bigger picture and some of the issues that are external to you before we get into your particular drama.

To start with, there’s the giant elephant in the room: the COVID lockdowns. Nobody came out of those unscathed and anyone who says they did are either lying to themselves, lying to other people or haven’t fully processed it. This was an intensely traumatic experience of the sort that we – and in this case, I mean world wide – haven’t dealt with since The Spanish Flu in 1918. This was, quite literally, a world-changing event, and even four years later, we still haven’t come to terms with just how much this has changed things. Part of the problem is that people honestly went feral and we’re still having to relearn what it means to live in a society, especially one with so much collective trauma. It affected how we see relationships, how we connect with each other and how we treat one another – in person, online, as friends, as family and as lovers.  

You, in particular, make the point of “I went in in my mid-20s and came out 30”, but then tried to pick back up like nothing had changed; you say, specifically, that you remade your profiles exactly as they were, just with new pictures. Ok but… you’re not the same person you were back then and the people you’re compatible with or want to meet aren’t the same. Part of the problem is that you’re creating profiles that aren’t really reflective of who you are or what you’re looking for, so much as trying to get back to where you’d left off. But the world has moved on, time marched forward and you’re no longer the person you were when you first wrote those profiles. Trying to continue on like you had before isn’t going to work.

And then there’s the fact that, frankly, the apps aren’t the same either. There’re reasons why I have been beating the drum so much about why the apps are far less useful than they were before, and much of it comes down to the fact that they’ve drifted away from their purpose. The point of the apps aren’t to help people actually connect with potential partners, they’re to increase value of the company for the shareholders. This is why they make no bones about the fact that the algorithms limit your profile unless you pay money to “be seen”; their goal is to get you to convert, not to find someone to date, the same way the point of Candy Crush is to get you to buy boosts, not to have fun playing a match-3 game.

This is precisely why I keep saying that you can’t base anything about yourself on the responses you get on the apps. The apps aren’t an objective measure of anything, and certainly not when the invisible algorithm has its thumb on the scale that decides who sees you and who doesn’t. Consider the very existence of “rose jail”, where you’re expected to pay money for people that the app is specifically saying “yeah, we know these are the people you really want to see”. They are putting the people that the algo thinks you would most want to match with or who would be better for you behind a paywall. That should tell you that this isn’t about you, it’s about the platform.

Next, there’re the experiences you’ve had while out meeting people. I’ll get into a few of these, but some of them – like the woman who you took home – are examples of what I mean when I say people went fully feral. The fact that you took someone home who, let’s be honest, you weren’t that into, is part of it. But the way she behaved afterwards – saying “hey, that was nice but I really want to f--k your friend instead, mind making that happen for me?” – isn’t about you at all. That was about her being deeply inconsiderate and almost comical in her rudeness. I totally get why that hurt but holy hopping sheep s--t that’s the sort of thing you expect to see in The Last American Virgin, right before she got tossed out the front door with her clothes, not in real life.  

(It’s also kind of bitterly ironic seeing this behavior from women when f--k knows there’re men who have done precisely the same thing to women they went home with; turns out, it’s a s--tty thing to do to someone, no matter the gender of the people involved.)

I know that knowing this intellectually isn’t the same thing as how it makes you feel but trust me: what she did was entirely about her and says nothing about you.

However, I think we now need to start narrowing in on you and your situation more. There are external issues that should be addressed, like your acne. You say that you have a medical condition that’s causing it. I presume that this means that it’s a side-effect, not a symptom, but regardless, that’s something to bring up with a doctor. If you know the cause – for example, you’re on a steroid for your condition – then talking to your doctor about changing the medication to one that has fewer side-effects is a first step. But the next step should be talking to a dermatologist. Even if this is the result of something you can’t necessarily change on your own, a dermatologist can help you find a treatment that’ll be effective (and without draining your wallet like certain subscription-based treatments).

Whether it’s an ointment or cream to deal with the acne itself, a medication to reduce sebum and oil production, a face wash that isn’t irritating your skin or even something like laser treatment of your skin directly, this is something that should be a priority for you. Not just because acne is unsightly but because it’s a symbol of feeling like your life is out of control and just stacking debuffs on you like the worst Baldur’s Gate boss fight imaginable. Getting your acne under control won’t just give you the gift of better skin, it’ll give you the feeling that you’ve got control of your life again. That you can make meaningful and positive changes for yourself. Reminding yourself that you have agency and control is part of how you break that feeling of helplessness; even the small ways you assert control pushes back on that despair.

But it’s the internal issues that need the most care and attention, and are why you should give yourself permission to take a break from dating for a while. Right now, you’re in a place where you’re almost desperate to find someone, and that’s working against you. It’s part of why you’re having these horrible experiences when you go out. You’re so thirsty to find love and affection and validation that you’re investing way too much in these chance encounters and giving yourself outsized expectations about what they mean.

The woman who you had that “intense” connection with is a prime example. This is one of those times where you were so excited that things seemed to be going well and you felt like maybe this person was into you that you read way more into it than was actually there. I think in your eagerness to see light at the end of the tunnel, you got way out over your skis and interpreted friendliness for flirting. I don’t think you were “betrayed” to find her cuddling with a dude when you came back from the bathroom, I think you were seeing her with either another friend or someone she was already in a relationship with and your ego took the hit. And even if it was a case of her finding a guy at the bar that she was into… well, like I said, I think that intensity you experienced was entirely one-sided and entailed your misreading things.

Believe me, I’ve been there and done that, especially back in the bad old days. I didn’t just buy the t-shirt, I printed the t-shirts and opened a t-shirt emporium to sell them to others before franchising it world-wide. And trust me, I did it to a far more cringe-worthy level than this. My friends still have stories.

This is part of why I think you need to give yourself a break. It’s a lot like getting frustrated when playing video games and you’re stuck on a particular boss fight or especially difficult puzzle or platform. You get frustrated, you get angry and you get tunnel vision. You want to get through this so badly that you taste blood, but all that happens is that you just keep doing worse and worse. And a lot of that is because you’re wearing yourself out. You’re burning through all of your energy, you’re getting fatigued and it’s making you sloppy. Taking a break and getting some rest means that you recoup that energy, your brain processes the lessons you’ve been learning and when you come back to it the next day, you breeze through.

So it is with dating. Right now, you’re pushing yourself harder and harder, as though that’s going to fix things. But it won’t; it just exhausts you, depletes your reserves and leaves you worse off than before because you’re running on empty. You’ve got nothing left in the tank, but you’re pushing harder and harder because you’re so focused on just GETTING WHAT YOU WANT. But that gets in your way. Taking the time away lets you recharge and recoup, and that will free up the energy, resources and bandwidth that you’ll need to do better, make better choices and see things more clearly.

Because right now, the choices you are making are hurting you. They’re why you’re getting hurt so often – both because you’re over-investing and getting overly excited, but also because you’re making bad decisions. You have some success when you’re pursuing people you’re not actually attracted to, because you don’t feel the need to “perform” to the same level you do with others, but it also means that your success in those areas actually feels worse than failure. It makes you feel worse about yourself, it makes you feel guilty for what it may make them feel, and it just reinforces the idea that you’re a broken loser.

You’re not, but it feels that way.

And the reinforcement of it all is part of why you feel like you’re in competition with others and why you feel every disappointment so much more deeply. You’re winding yourself up with the expectation of these incredibly high highs, without realizing just how much that contributes to the depths of the lows you’re running into. You don’t have the bandwidth to moderate those expectations to something more realistic, and it plays into what you already beat yourself up over.

But then there’s this part right here: “but when it inevitably fails, I am completely crushed and am unable to get out of bed or do anything for days. I am just stuck there, with all of my failures running through my head, feeling completely worthless.”

and here: “but lately I’ve been feeling so crushed that I can’t bring myself to do it”��My guy, you’re describing depression. You are depressed. I don’t mean in that you have the blues, I mean that you’re describing symptoms of chronic depression and you should talk to a doctor about getting on an antidepressant like Wellbutrin. I speak from experience when I tell you that depression saps everything – your energy, your passion, your interest in things you enjoy, your sense of well-being. It makes you feel worse about yourself, even when things go well, because it whispers in your ear that it’s not good enough and that you don’t deserve it. Even if you’re only on it for a little while, getting on an SSRI is going to improve the quality of your life immensely.

The last thing I would tell you is that if you’ve had multiple mental health professionals tell you that they think you may be autistic, then it’s worth your time to get a formal diagnosis. Getting confirmation one way or the other is going to be helpful. If it turns out that no, you aren’t, it may point in directions that might provide answers; you could well have a form of ADHD with the RSD combo platter, for example. But if you are autistic, then getting that label and diagnosis opens up resources for you to work with it. Part of the problem a lot of neurodivergent people have is that they’re trying to fight their condition instead of working with and around it. It’s a lot like trying to swim against a strong current; you can do it if you really want to make the effort, but it’s going to be exhausting and it’ll take you twice as much effort to get half as far. Learning to swim with the current means that you actually figure out how to get where you want to go, without wrecking yourself in the process.

All of this is a lot to deal with, I know. And quite frankly, I don’t think trying to force your way through your various road blocks with regarding to dating is helpful right now. Taking dating off the table and focusing on these other, foundational issues should be a priority for you, because it’s going to make returning to dating a much smoother, easier and more rewarding process. It’ll be like dropping weights that you never realized you were carrying, right when you’re trying to run a race; suddenly you’ll feel light as a feather and faster than you ever were before.

It’s time for the love of your life to be the love of your life; to love yourself enough to work on these issues that’re dragging you down and to build your life to a place where you’re happy, energized and ready to take on the world again.

You’ll get there. You just need to give yourself permission to put this part of your life on pause for a little while to work on the rest. It’ll be waiting for you when you’re ready to come back.

You’ll be ok. I promise.

All will be well.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’m a 35-year-old woman, and I’ve been married for 10 years, together for 12. My husband and I have always had a good sex life, but it’s always been very standard, and, if I’m honest, a little stale. I was always a little nervous about bringing this up to my husband, but then a twist of fate meant that we had the conversation anyway.

One night, after a few glasses of wine and an edible, he actually brought up that he had been getting bored with our sex life as well and wanted to shake things up. I was surprised to find out that he felt the same way, but I wasn’t exactly upset to have him bring up the topic first and it felt like it freed us to talk about this more honestly and about what we might want to do.  

Lately, we’ve been talking about pushing our boundaries beyond things like  sexy lingerie or romantic overnight hotel stays, and one topic that came up was about going to a play party or sex party together. My husband’s excited about the idea and while I’m definitely curious and willing to give it a try, I’m also feeling a bit nervous and unsure about what to expect.

I think a lot of it is that I’m not sure what to expect or what I’d be expected to do. I know neither of us is interested in some sort of partner swap and an orgy feels like it would be far too extreme, but I don’t know what other options there are. I’ve never been to a sex party before, and I know next to nothing about them that I didn’t see in movies or hear about on daytime television. I’m not sure what the mood is like, what’s expected of me, or even how I’m supposed to act. Am I expected to be open to whatever is offered to me? Do I have to be comfortable with people touching me or my husband without saying anything? How do we dress, how do we interact with other people… I feel like I’m going to make some sort of faux pas and get us both in trouble by accident 

How do people navigate these kinds of things? What do I need to know before we go, and how can I make sure we both feel comfortable while also having fun?

Thanks in advance,

First Time Jitters

DEAR FIRST TIME JITTERS: I don’t want to overstate things, FTJ, but sex parties are incredibly impactful; one wrong move at a sex party can literally change who ends up being president of the United States. 

(I kid, but only slightly… do a quick search for how Jeri Ryan’s divorce lead to Obama getting elected to the senate).

OK, let’s actually be serious now. It’s understandable that you’re a little nervous, FTJ, especially if you’re picturing something that’s somewhere between Eyes Wide Shut and Caligula. The expectations people have is that these sorts of parties are either wall-to-wall piles of naked or nearly naked bodies in multiple configurations or something that looks like a bondage club mixed with the blood rave from Blade, all filled with people who look like Playboy models and extremely waxed men with 3% body fat and an HGH habit.

The reality tends to be a lot more mundane and a lot less exotic; unless you’re going to a party that’s very exclusive and has an extensive vetting process, a lot of the people you’re likely to encounter are going to be in their 30s to 50s, in average shape, and from various walks of life. Most of the time, there will either be an even mix of men and women, or it’ll tilt slightly more towards having more female guests than male. Just about every play party or sex party knows that they live or die by how many women are in attendance, so men are rarely allowed entry without a female partner, while women are allowed to come solo or with other friends. Women also often either get in for free, or with a discount if there’s a ticket or cover charge.

The venue itself can vary as well; some are hosted in apartments or Airbnb’s, some are in hotel suites or rented out clubs, some may be in the local BDSM dungeon, and some have a permanent location. There may be a theme to the party or a focus on particular kinks or fetishes; a bondage party, for example will likely have setups for different scenes or experiences. Most places tend to have a changing room (or at the very least, a place to stash your coats and purses), an area for general mingling and hanging out, and areas where the action happens. In some, especially permanent or established venues, there may be rooms set aside for specific purposes – these for privacy, these for folks who are cool with an audience and so on.

Some people will be dressed in fetish gear, some will be wearing sexy lingerie, some people will be butt-ass naked or wearing just enough to sit comfortably without needing to wipe down the furniture, and more than a few people will be dressed normally. Many parties will have guidelines about the dress code and what is or isn’t expected – especially if the party is happening in a residential area. Some, for example, may request that you either arrive in street-clothes or wear a coat or cover-up if you’re wearing fetish gear or lingerie; it isn’t good for anyone involved if the neighbors see folks in bondage gear descending on a house like Lord Humungous’ raiding party.

What you won’t see or experience – at least, if the party is even vaguely well run and organized – are people just groping others at random or pulling folks away. Just as the ratio of men to women at the parties can make or break them, party organizers also understand that if women don’t feel safe and comfortable at these events, they won’t go. If women won’t go, the events die. Any sex party worth going to is going to have very strict rules of conduct and safety that everyone is expected to adhere to, that are carefully enforced, and these rules tend to be made clear well in advance and often at the venue itself as well.

While the specifics can vary, there’re a few rules that you’re likely to find. First, there’s almost always a “no phones, cameras or video” policy for obvious reasons; people are encouraged to either leave their devices at home, in the car or securely locked up (if there’re accommodations for it).  

You’re also likely to find that people are expected to ask for consent – not just in general but spelled out; you’re down to do X, Y or Z but not M, N or L, S is a maybe-so-ask-later, but B and G are hard no’s under any circumstance. Random touching without consent isn’t cool, and tends to be the sort of thing that gets people bounced out post-haste. Condoms are almost always mandatory for any sort of penetration; if they aren’t, you’re better off turning around and leaving. Some parties will allow for oral sex without condoms, others won’t. Everyone is also expected to be cool with being turned down; being at a sex party or paying a cover charge doesn’t entitle someone to sex or access to other people’s bodies. Some parties or clubs will have an ask-once-and-only once policy; some don’t. Regardless, making a scene because someone doesn’t want to play is a great way to ensure that not only do you get kicked out of the party but excluded from all future parties as well… and word tends to travel fast in the community if someone’s a problem or a habitual line-stepper.

An important thing to understand is that you’re not expected to participate in anything that you don’t want to. Most well-organized parties understand that some folks are going to be new and may want to get acclimated; after all, if people feel pressured or don’t feel comfortable with the scene, they’ll stop going. So, there’ll often be events that cater to first-timers and others work with the understanding that some folks are there to observe, maybe dip a toe in here or there, but aren’t ready or willing to dive in yet. Any party where participation is expected tends to spell that out in advance; the odds that you’re going to be surprised by some Fight-Club-esque “if it’s your first night here, you have to f--k” rule is very, very low.

And if they spring that on you, you can turn around and walk the f--k away. You may have to eat a cover fee, but it’s still better to consider that the learning-tax than to deal with being pressured into anything you don’t want to do. The same goes if you don’t like the vibe, if people make you feel uncomfortable, or you realize that it’s just really not your thing and you want to go. If you’re not digging it, you’re not obligated to stay. The number one rule is, as always: if it sucks, hit da bricks. 

If and when you and your husband do attend, there’s nothing wrong with just soak in the vibe without necessarily playing – either together or with anyone else. However, I would strongly suggest that the two of you lay out the ground rules for what you’re both cool with doing well in advance and stick to them. It’s helpful to establish these boundaries before you go for the first time, because it will make it that much easier for you to say “no thanks” or “I’m not into that” or even “maybe later” if anyone comes up.

This also helps ensure a smoother and more enjoyable time for you and your husband, without any unwelcome last-minute surprises to have to deal with. Much as with threesomes, the last thing either of you want is to have the other suddenly try to renegotiate the agreement in the moment. If you change your mind and want to try something… well, better to save that for the next party and enjoy all the antici…

…

…

…pation.

That being said: it can be helpful to build in a certain amount of pre-agreed-to wiggle-room on the off chance that something strikes your fancy. I’ve been at a few parties where someone who thought they were just there to hang out suddenly decided they wanted to be put up on a St. Andrews Cross or try nipple clamps for the first time.

The last thing I would suggest is that if you go, stay sober, especially your first time. Once you have a better handle on what you are or aren’t up for and feel more comfortable at the party, it’ll be easier to relax with a drink. However, don’t go overboard; if you’ve had too much to drink, you also can’t give meaningful consent.

The most important thing though is to remember that you’re both planning on going to this to have fun and help keep the spark going in your connection. Think of this as a fun adventure you’re having with your partner in crime, rather than something that needs to happen a certain way, or that you need to have a particular experience for it to be worth it. If a sex party or play part is not for you, it’s not for you and that’s fine. An experiment that doesn’t work the way you hoped or expected isn’t a failure; it means you and your husband learned something about yourselves. Just trying those new things can help bring some more excitement and new energy into the mix, even if it didn’t play out the way you thought.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com