DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: So I used to be friends with this guy two years ago. We weren’t super close, but we were still friends. A year later, we didn’t have any classes together and sort of fell apart.
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During this time, I may have developed a crush on him. Now this year, apparently, I’ve been kind of too obvious about it (according to my friend, who later asked him out for me. He said no) and has stopped texting me and talking to me.
Recently I apologized for potentially making things weird and asked if we could still be friends, to which he said yes
However, I feel like it’s not really going back to how it was before. I’m always the one starting the conversation, and he replies quickly but just stops talking to end the conversation. I still might have a crush on him, but mostly just want to be friends. We have the same music taste, which I can almost never find in people my age, so I think we should be good friends.
Why does he not want to talk to me, and how can I make things better between us?
Bring It Back
DEAR BRING IT BACK: I wish you said how old you all are, BIB, because I’ve got questions, starting with “why did you send your friend to ask him out for you?” That seems like an almost painfully middle-school thing to do; I don’t think that would be a deal breaker, but I could certainly see it being a weird moment if you all are college age or older…
Anyway, the issue here is that you’re asking me the wrong question. I have no idea what’s going on in his head, seeing as I’m not him, so I can’t really tell you why he doesn’t want to talk to you. There’re just far too many possibilities and not enough information to make even an educated guess.
It’s possible, for example, that he feels weird knowing that you had a crush on him and had the same response a lot of people have when they think someone’s friendship was a pretense to get close. Or he could be worried that by being overly friendly, he’s inadvertently leading you on or giving you hope where there isn’t any and he doesn’t want to be cruel. There’s every chance that he’s got a lot going on in his life and simply doesn’t have the time or bandwidth to be as responsive or as involved with your friendship as he might have been when you still had classes together. Or it’s possible that you overestimated the level of friendship you had and while you considered him a close friend, he didn’t necessarily see you the same way.
It’s also possible that it’s as simple as the fact that you’re not in class together anymore. Not every friendship is meant to last forever, and many are as much about circumstance as they are about personal connections. Some friendships are a little like skateboard on a flat street; it rolls easily as long as someone is propelling it forward, but without that outside force acting on it, it stops rolling and comes to a standstill. In many cases, proximity and convenience are the forces that propel a friendship forward. Take those away and it eventually rolls to a stop.
While you were classmates, the friendship was convenient and easy to maintain; after all, you’re seeing each other on a daily or weekly basis. But without those external forces bringing you together, there simply wasn’t as much that was maintaining your connection and you simply drifted apart.
But as I said: I don’t know what’s going on in his head, since I’m not him and I’m not there. Maybe he was sincere when he said “sure, we can be friends again” or maybe he was being polite. Maybe he’s busy or maybe he’s not feeling it. What I can tell you is that this is a time when pushing the issue isn’t going to help. There’re very few times when one person giving the full court press has resulted in a positive outcome, and most of the time, those were much stronger friendships before there was any distance.
I know you don’t find many people close to your age who share the same taste in music, but that may simply not be enough for him to want to be friends with you to the same level you do. Right now, you’re watering what seems like a dead plant. I don’t think you’re going to get a return that’s commensurate with your effort, and you’re expending effort that would be put to better use elsewhere. I think your best choice at this point is just to match his energy. You don’t need to pull back to zero, but I think you should dial your expectations and effort back. Let it be what it is now, without trying for more, and see. It may be that your pulling back creates enough of a vacuum that he will expend energy to fill it… or it may be confirmation that this is the upper limit of what to expect from him.
It stings, I know, but better to let this be whatever it will be instead of continuing to water a plant that won’t grow.
Good luck.
Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com