Ask Dr. Nerdlove

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’m sure this is familiar territory for you and many others, but here we go. I don’t know what I want out of my relationship. I suspect I never really have in past relationships either, but I always figured that either I would figure it out or some form of answer would just naturally present itself over time. 

I’m now in a relationship with a wonderful lady, and she (rightfully so) has raised the issue. She feels her biological clock is ticking (which is fair) and wants me to figure out what I want (also fair). This woman is great, she’s a lovely person and I really like her. Have you got any insight in regard to how I can try and get in touch with what I want out of this relationship?

Indecision May Or May Not Be My Problem

DEAR INDECISION MAY OR MAY NOT BE MY PROBLEM: I’m glad you recognized that this is an issue in your relationship, IMMBP because you’ve accidentally stumbled onto one of the biggest complaints women have about dating men.

No, I’m being serious here; one of the reasons why women hate the whole dating scene are the number of guys – on the apps, in the bars and just out in the world – who either don’t know what they want from a relationship or at least say that they don’t know what they want (because they’re afraid/ know that if they say it, their partner will dump them). There’s nothing inherently wrong with not knowing what you want, but it is important to be clear that this is where your head is at before you start dating and especially if you know your potential partner is going to want either exclusivity or long-term commitment. When you don’t, you run the risk of wasting everyone’s time; yours, because you’re in a relationship that isn’t a good fit or meets your needs, and your partner’s because they could have been off seeking someone who’s actually right for them and is on the same page.

Now, I want to give you and your partner credit for having a discussion about this and to you, specifically, for reaching out to try to figure things out. That’s a good sign; even if this relationship doesn’t necessarily work out, the fact that you’re asking this question and trying to find the answers is a mark of emotional intelligence. While I appreciate a “go with the flow” approach, hoping that you’re going to figure it out while you’re in it is generally a bad way of making a long-term connection last. It’s better, in my mind, to agree to something casual with the possibility of more (if that’s truly on the table) than to create a nebulous, neither-fish-nor-fowl situationship.

Now when it comes to figuring out what you want, what you want to do is focus on some core questions.

First and possibly the most important: what are your dealbreakers – the ones that are hard no’s, absolutely non-negotiable relationship-enders? Knowing these in advance is important, even if you’re a go-with-the-flow guy, precisely because “going with the flow” often means you may find you’re with someone who has those deal breakers at a time when you’ve become emotionally invested in them. You may, for example, be cool with long-term commitment with a partner. You may be cool with having kids together. But then you find that they want to raise their kids in a way that’s anathema to you… well, now you’re in a position where you’ve got a massive conflict at the heart of a relationship when you’ve tangled your lives together in a way that will make it that much harder to separate – both logistically but also emotionally.

The other benefit of knowing your deal breakers in advance is that you now have a list of qualities you do want – the literal opposite of those non-negotiables. This gives you a starting point in terms of things to look for in your potential partners.

Second: What do you value in life? What sorts of things are important to you for your overall emotional well-being and quality of life? Are you someone who needs stability and calm, or are you someone who finds too much structure and planning to be stifling? Are you oriented towards future goals or does your “figure it out as I go” include your life in general? Do you know yourself to be someone who falls in and out of love frequently, someone who finds their connection to their partner tends to fade over time or are you someone who finds Their Person and doesn’t waver unless and until the relationship ends?

Knowing these things about yourself, how well does your potential partner need to match those needs? Where are the areas of wiggle-room, where you might be ok with a partner who doesn’t line up perfectly with everything on that list? Are you going to be comfortable with someone who hits 50% of them? 60%? What about 75%?��Third: If you look around in your life, what relationship role models do you have? Who – whether in your family, in your social circle or even in pop culture – models the kind of relationship that you ultimately would want to have?��This one can be tricky, because often when folks have a hard time knowing what they’re looking for, it’s because they don’t have a strong reference point to compare things to. It can be hard to say “Yeah, I’d like that” when the most significant relationships you’ve seen have been full of strife or conflict.

It’s also important, when looking at those relationship role models to know what aspects of them don’t work for you. Some relationships work well because of the people in them are well matched for each other, but the way those relationships function might not be a good match for you because you’re not those particular people. Passion in a relationship, for example, can look very differently depending on the people involved. Gomez and Morticia are one example of a very passionate couple… but so are Han and Leia. The passion for them is often expressed in yelling and arguments; they may love each other to distraction and the passion they have for one another is intense, but it’s still one where the expression of it comes out in conflict. You can love someone to pieces and still want to toss them into the next convenient volcano half the time. ��The same goes in the other direction; some people are less demonstrative in the traditional sense. It’s not that they don’t feel love or affection or pride for their partners or their family or friends, it’s just that they aren’t necessarily the type that express it outwardly or vocally. The “rough hands, soft heart” type or the stoic may be appealing to some, but may not work for you, especially if you’re someone who’s preferred form of communicating love and affection comes in the form of verbal affirmation or physical touch.

Fourth: what kind of partner are you looking for? Not in terms of long-term/short-term or monogamous/non-monogamous, kids/no kids, but the partner type who compliments you and fills in gaps, as you do the same for them.  

Think of it like class types in a game. Some folks know they’re a support-class and like being the providing the logistical, emotional or technical support for their partner, rather than being the one who’s leading the charge, and so they often want a partner who’s going to be more take-charge. Some people want a tank, someone who’ll run interference with the struggles and trials and tribulations of the world, clearing the path for them while they pursue the team goal. Some people want a mutual DPS or battle buddy, someone who’s gonna be right in the middle of the fracas with them, watching their back as the two glide with and around each other like two gracefully lethal dancers (or mutual Tasmanian devil-style whirlwinds of destruction).  

Battle couples (literal and metaphorical) get a lot of representation in pop culture – Buffy/Angel, Percy/Vex, Nick/Nora, etc. – but others are just as valid, just as real and just as desirable. Sometimes you want a Sam Gamgee more than an Aragorn or a Giles more than a Spike, an Essek to your Caleb.

Fifth: what are you willing to give up? What are you willing to sacrifice? What compromises are you willing to make in the name of making a relationship work?

This part is incredibly important, because every relationship is one of compromise. Every relationship you enter is going to require that you make significant changes to your life, make demands on your time and require investments of your energy and attention. All of that is going to have to come from somewhere.

One of the mistakes I see people make all the time is that they assume that getting A Relationship isn’t going to change their lives; they don’t recognize or make room for the ways that it’s going to change their day to day lives or the ways that it will force them to examine and adjust their priorities and goals. A lot of guys – especially guys with little relationship experience – often don’t realize at first that having and maintaining a relationship means that they won’t have as much time for some of the things they did when they were single. It’s not that they suddenly started dating Lady Killjoy, it’s that there’re only so many hours in the day and everything you decide to do comes at the cost of not doing something else. At the risk of an awkward metaphor, think of a relationship like owning a pet; there’s a need for care and feeding, for enrichment and ensuring that its needs are being met. They’re going to make demands on your time when it’s not convenient for you. There are inevitable emergencies that will cost you time, money and stress, and you can only prepare so much for these in advance. Not being ready for the responsibility and time costs can cause harm and damage the relationship, even if you don’t mean to.

Sixth: what do you see in your future? Do you see yourself living a life of travel and adventure? Material success? A member of a thriving and supportive community? Surrounded by multiple generations of family – children, grandchildren, aunts, uncles, cousins etc.? If you know you want kids, what timeline are you looking at? If you know you don’t, are you willing to be up front with that or to take steps to ensure that biological children aren’t in your future?

You want to make sure you have an answer to this because you want to make sure that you’re with someone who is actually in alignment with this future. Even if you know you both want kids, the timeline at which you may want them can be a deal breaker. Some people want to have lots of kids right away, for many reasons. Some want to wait to have them later down the line. This is one area where there really can’t be a compromise, especially the longer the relationship goes on and time, biology and entropy takes their toll. Someone is going to have to bend, or else the relationship is going to have to end so that everyone can find a partner who is in alignment with them.

Last question: Where is the desire for the relationship coming from? Not the physical, chemical desire for your partner or even the desire for connection and companionship but the desire for the relationship? Is it coming from a place of scarcity and worry, where you feel like you need to find a relationship or risk losing something? Is it coming from a sense of obligation – whether to the person you’re currently seeing or to some more nebulous concept? Or is it coming from a place of inspiration, connection and curiosity – a feeling of “this person brings so much to my life that my life would be poorer without them, even when things suck and we’re both grinding our teeth to powder?”

This is more significant than you may realize. A lot of times, people go into a relationship – even with someone they care for – for the wrong reasons. The reasons may be a fear of loss, a fear of future loneliness, a sense of obligation (“I have to get married because that’s what men do”), or having something to prove – to themselves, to former partners, maybe just to the universe in general. These tend to be bad reasons to get into a relationship; you’re coming to them not because the person is right for you but because they’re the person who happened to be there when you decided that this needed to happen. And while those relationships can last… that doesn’t necessarily make them successful.

I’ve seen a lot of couples who, while they loved one another deeply, were in a relationship for the wrong reasons. That disconnect often ends up creating a canker at the heart of the relationship and one that often ends up stealing their joy and connection over time. Making sure that you’re with someone for the right reasons, rather than trying to avoid negative outcomes or fears, is one of the most important parts of making a relationship work – whether it’s short term or for the long haul, casual or deeply committed.

Answer these questions for yourself, and I think you’ll have a much better idea of what you want… and if you want those things with this lovely lady in particular.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I am 15 female, and I am going through indirect rejection.

In middle school I have this best friend (male) and he confessed to me, but I couldn’t share those feelings at the time. Plus, I was not ready for dating. I did think about our relationship and whether or not I could be in a romantic relationship with him. This went on for a while. I started to gain feelings for him, but didn’t want to act on it since I wasn’t sure if it was only going to be a short time crush. I could not do that to him, so I waited more. I ended up doing homeschool starting freshman year, so I couldn’t see him anymore. A year later I see him at Wednesday church, and at first, I was excited. I have liked this guy for 2 1/2 years now, so it really broke my heart when I found out he has a girlfriend. She is freshman, who also goes to Wednesday church. She is a really good person, and I would 100% be her best friend. I even have both of their numbers. 

At first when I found out I was surprised and after a little thinking I had to go to the punching bag and get out all my anger/jealously and sadness. Which it did help for a little bit. After a few weeks it started to feel very suffocating, and I had to be away from them for a bit. Then that’s when I started to get into a bit of a slump. I went back and I felt much better. Still sad though. 

After several weeks I started to think about him less, but one night I had a dream about them and after that I could not stop thinking about him. This was a few days before Wednesday church. When I went to Wednesday church, I started uncomfortable being there and it really didn’t help when people started trauma dumping me. After that I felt really suffocated and couldn’t go back there for some time. A week and half I saw his girlfriend and I felt like I could not be near her, let alone look at her. Luckily, we did not interact. Also, before most of this happened, I was texting my crush to get to know more about him, but one day when I asked what his favorite color is he said talk to my lawyer. I saw this as a joke and kept texting him, but he finally said he felt uncomfortable. I didn’t understand why he said, even though I already have an idea. 

I was a little heart broken and he would not text me after that, but in public he played off cool. I am also pretending I do not like anyone yet, mostly because I don’t want him or the girlfriend to find out and ruin our friendship. I have no clue what to do and whether or not to tell him the truth or how to get closer to him. It seems like we are drifting apart, and he seems to want to put a wall between us.

Against All Odds

DEAR AGAINST ALL ODDS: Oh God, this is why the only thing I miss about being a teenager is my old metabolism

Ok, AAO, I’ll be honest: you don’t really want a lot of my advice here because most of it is going to sound dismissive and like I’m not taking you seriously. But as someone who’s feelings about particular girls in middle-school and high-school looked like the emotional equivalent of The Tower of Terror, I can tell you this from experience: you are 15 and while this feels incredibly dire and world-shattering, I promise you that this will pass. By this time next year, you’ll feel completely differently and within three to four years, you’ll look back and cringe at it.

But let’s be honest: “leave it alone and this will blow over” isn’t satisfying, nor is it terribly comforting, so while I want to reiterate that this isn’t nearly as bad as it feels, here’s what you need to know.

First, a pet-peeve: words have meaning and trauma dumping – like gaslighting, emotional labor, narcissism and other terms that’ve broken containment into popular usage – has a specific definition. Trauma dumping involves talking about traumatic experiences or events, in graphic and often excessive detail, at inappropriate times and with little care or concern for how this behavior might affect the people they’re telling it to. It involves someone massively oversharing with others, often unprompted, and usually without the other person’s consent.

(To give an example of actual trauma dumping, YouTubers like Natalie Wynn have talked about when strangers have gone into unprompted and off-topic monologues describing in explicit detail horrible things that happened to them while in the chat on her livestreams, to the point where she had to ban them because their constant description of awful experiences was causing serious harm for other viewers who had PTSD from related experiences.)

This is significantly different from things like venting or complaining, in no small part because venting tends to be brief, mutual exchanges about anger or frustration, not a detailed rundown of a particularly awful experience. Mislabeling wanting to get something off one’s chest or asking for input or support as ‘trauma dumping’ not only minimizes what trauma dumping is and the effects it has on others, but discourages people from seeking connection and reassurance from others.

Now getting back to your letter: part of the problem you’re having is that you created this situation yourself. When your friend told you that you had a crush on him, you basically left him hanging; there doesn’t seem to be any point where you ever drew a line and said “Hey, I’m sorry but I don’t feel that way/ I’m not ready to date anyone” and instead left it as an open question for everyone. When you did decide that maybe you liked him, you continued to not act on it and let the whole thing just simmer until you saw him again, at which point, he had moved on and you hadn’t.

The fact that you left this so up in the air – for yourself, more so than for him – is part of why your crush is causing you problems now. You spent all this time nursing a crush while not acting on it, which is part of why it has lingered. One of the things I tell people all the time is that crushes are like fires; if you feed them, they grow, if you leave them alone, they die out. If you’d given a firm “yes” or “no”, either when he first told you how he felt or when you started to have feelings yourself, you would have put yourself in a situation to process the crush and either been in a position to get over it or let your romantic relationship with him run its course. In either case, there would have been a distinct start and end-point to things, where you had more certainty of where you both stood.

Instead, you sat with this crush for years, during a time when you were dwelling on it but without any contact with your friend. This gave you apparently two and a half years (the timeline in your letter is a bit fuzzy) of building up this feeling and your relationship to him in your mind, to a point where reality was never going to be able to live up to what you hoped. So it’s not surprising that, when you finally saw him again for the first time in forever, you were blindsided by the fact that he hadn’t been waiting for you. Instead, you suddenly had a bucket of cold water dumped all over your dreams when you saw he had a girlfriend and – worse – she’s a genuinely nice person.

This is why I’m a firm believer in actually making a move – or giving a definite answer – when you’re interested in someone. The longer you spend nursing a crush without actually acting on it, the greater the odds that you’re going to find yourself in a position where you have intense feelings for someone who isn’t going to return them; the opportunity will have passed and now you have to deal with the shattered remains of your dreams.

Now, part of the reason why things have continued to be difficult is because of the way you’ve been avoiding things. The dream you had that retriggered those feelings wasn’t the issue; that’s just our brains being weird. Much like with sudden crushes, it’s a case of “leave it alone and it’ll blow over”. The feelings brought up by dreams are real and can be intense, but they rarely last when you just treat them as random feelings. Just noting and naming it for what it is, then redirecting your attention onto other topics makes it much easier to let those feelings fade. A simple “ugh, that was weird and now I’m going to feel weird for a day or two” does wonders in cases like this because you are acknowledging the feeling but also recognizing it for what it is: a passing thing that will go away on its own.

Unfortunately, you made things worse with the way you were handling things after that. I don’t know if you were consciously aware of what you were doing, but the combination of ignoring or blanking his girlfriend while also stepping up your conversations with your friend almost certainly gave the vibe that you were trying to angle your way in between them. By the time your friend said “you’ll have to address this to my lawyer” (which, credit where credit is due, is a legitimately clever line), your behavior had crossed a line where it was clear that you had an agenda beyond wanting to be close to him the way you had been before. I’m not surprised he was getting uncomfortable; it’s uncomfortable when it feels like someone’s trying to push themselves into your life. Especially when it feels like their goal is to edge out your girlfriend and take her place instead.

Now, here’s the part that is going to be important for you in the here and now: trying to breeze past all of this and pretend like nothing’s wrong is a mistake and it’s part of how you’ve ended up in this situation in the first place. You didn’t want to say anything before, which is what led to all of this happening. Continuing to not say anything is only going to make it worse and risks pushing things to the point where your friend is going to make it clear that he doesn’t want to be friends with you anymore.

Your friend is pulling back from you because you’ve made things awkward and uncomfortable. Not addressing this just lets it fester and become even larger and more awkward. What you need to do is be willing to face the discomfort and awkward feelings and actually call it out. I don’t think you need to state that you have a crush on your friend because that’s not the issue here; you don’t want to try to win him back, you want to make things right. That means giving a sincere apology for the way you’ve been behaving and addressing the why of it without making it something he needs to deal with. ��Besides, he almost certainly has caught on that you’ve got a crush on him based on the way you’ve been acting. And if he hasn’t, his girlfriend has.

You should go to your friend and say “Hey, I know I’ve been acting weird lately and it’s been making you uncomfortable and I’m sorry. I’ve been feeling weird and distant from you after I found out you had a girlfriend, and I let it get out of hand. If you’re willing, I’d like it if we can try to power through this awkwardness while I get over my feelings and we can be friends again.”

I’d also suggest having a similar conversation with his girlfriend. Tell her “I’ve been rude and distant with you because I’m honestly a little jealous that you’re with my friend. That’s not fair of me and I’m sorry. You’re a really cool person and I honestly think we could be friends. I’d like to get to know you better, if that’s ok with you.”

Yeah, it’s going to be hard to say all that. Yeah, it’s going to feel awkward as hell when you do. But here’s the thing: confronting the awkward is what kills the awkward. Part of why it all remains so uncomfortable is because nobody is willing to call it out for what it is. The desire to save face and not “ruin” your friendship by addressing the thing that all of you know is there and all of you are feeling is precisely what’s going to push you apart. If you swallow your pride, gather your courage and confront the situation directly – with an apology for your behavior and an honest request to be friends – then I think you’ll find that any awkwardness will be forgiven and forgotten and the three of you can move forward with a much better relationship than you have now.

And as a bonus: getting in the habit of addressing your feelings directly now instead of trying to pretend like nothing is wrong is going to make life a lot smoother and less complicated as you get older. Trust me: trying to pretend like you’re not feeling what you’re clearly feeling never works the way you hope. Being “cool” tends to create more problems than it solves; being comfortable with momentary discomfort makes it much easier to deal with things before they become big, friendship-wrecking situations.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I know dating struggles are your bread and butter, but I guess I big blind spot you seem to have is frankly women and men having pretty much completely different struggles in the dating market. From men fearing they’ll be perceived as creepy, needy and falsely accused, to women actually fearing violence or worse. 

But I’m talking from my experience because I don’t really think a lot of women even share my struggles with dating; like you said from a woman it could be she’s hungry and she’s getting offered up is a moldy sandwich someone fished out of the dumpster and for guys (at least in my experience as an autistic male) the best you’ll get is said moldy sandwich and wanting better makes you picky and entitled. Like I’m sorry I’m not Professor X, I can’t read minds or tell when someone is “giving me signs of showing interest” like why do they gotta play these mind games like she could telling me she likes me or my shirt or my tattoos because she either has genuine interest on me or I think they’re neat and this day and age I rather frankly not find out by coming across as too forward or too needy. Because if something is too good to be true then it probably is.

I’ve had gone of a few dates and well honestly I couldn’t relate with a lot of struggles from a girl who’s told me she’s sick of guys only liking her for her conventionally good looks (something I can’t relate too as a painfully mid guy) to another where she talked about her wild sexual escapades with men and women (compared to me who only lost their virginity quite late in life thus I’m no longer an incel) while I’ve only ever had one partner. Cause if I do open up about my experiences whether it’s the security in my masculinity or my late blooming I seriously doubt they’ll either understand or even connect with me on said issue. Or even then why I try to say that for example I enjoy Chapple Roan music only to be either give funny looks or told since I’m not queer or a woman therefore her music is not meant for me.

So what do I do? How do I truly connect with someone even if we don’t share struggles or experiences?

Sincerely, WiFi Buffering

DEAR WIFI BUFFERING: OK, since you’re coming on hot on this one, WD, would you prefer that I tell you that you’re accusing women of the thing that you’re currently doing now, or would you prefer that I break all of this down before I point that out?

Because I hate to tell you this but…

A big part of what you’re dealing with is what’s known as “The Illusion of Asymmetric Insight”; that is, you are sure that you have incredible insight into others’ true selves that they couldn’t possibly have into you.

You are a gimlet-eyed observer of reality, someone who can see The Matrix; nobody can cut through the bulls--t as clearly as you and you see people for who they are, even if they don’t know it. You, on the other hand, are a black box, a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a tortilla and baked into a laminated pastry shell. Nobody could possibly understand or relate to you because you are just too complex, and people’s insight into you is lacking because they can’t see your true depths.

Ironically, those same people are feeling pretty much the same way about you. And I don’t think you realize that you peppered your entire letters with examples of this.

The even bigger irony is that you’re insisting that you can’t do something precisely while you’re actually doing it. You are actually laying out areas where you could relate and understand – and vice versa – except you’re not recognizing it because you’ve convinced yourself it has to be a 1 to 1 exact correlation. That’s not going to work because the things you’re trying to compare are apples and oranges, when you’re not trying to compare apples to things that aren’t even fruit.

The first thing you do out of the box is insist that you don’t think women could understand your dating problems, in part because you don’t think women have dating problems outside of being spoiled for choice. The example you choose to start with – the “women being offered a sandwich from the dumpster” – isn’t about having “options” or “choices”, it’s about the supposed surfeit of attention they get from society in general and on dating apps in particular. The point isn’t that women have so many options, it’s that quantity isn’t the same as quality. Getting a lot of attention doesn’t mean that it’s wanted attention and a lot of the “offers” aren’t offers so much as demands, and people getting upset when women don’t respond to those demands the way the people making them wish.

In fact, this happened to someone I know the day I write this; a guy rolled up on her at the bar and tried to get her number because he wanted to take her on a date. When she mentioned she had a boyfriend, the guy responded angrily that she must be lying because she’s not even cute and also, he totally is dating women who are so much better than her.

If you notice, the argument people make about women’s supposed lack of struggles with dating is “you say you’re hungry, so how dare you not accept this s--tty sandwich with gusto?” often followed with “you’re lucky I offered you this moldy sandwich covered in rat turds in the first place; you’re not worthy of my sandwich and I was so generous in offering it to you in the first place.”

You might want to take the time to notice that this is precisely what you complain about in the same sentence. The sentence you wrote. You literally say “the best you’ll get is said moldy sandwich and wanting better makes you picky and entitled”, which is what women hear when they complain about struggles with dating.

You also miss a couple other relevant areas where you could relate to women and their dating struggles in your very next (extremely run-on) sentence. Why do women often couch signs of interest in indirect ways such as complimenting your clothes or your tattoos? Well, part of it is because, as you say not ten words later, “I rather frankly not find out by coming across as too forward or too needy”. Newsflash my guy: that’s precisely why women are cautious in how they show interest. They aren’t playing “mind games” because they’re bored and f--king with you. They’re not even playing games. Why do they do it? To quote, well, you: “I’m sorry I’m not Professor X, I can’t read minds”.

Because hey, guess what? Leaving aside that autistic women exist too, women also have a hard time reading signs of interest and are afraid of coming on too strong or being too forward. You can go through my archives and read dozens upon dozens of letters from women who, for the life of them, can’t tell whether or not guys they like are into them or not.

Hell, one of the longest running joking-but-not-really memes among queer women is “lesbian sheep syndrome”, where everyone’s afraid to make the first move because they aren’t sure whether the other person actually likes them or is just being nice.

But when it comes to women who sleep with men, even in the Year of Our Lord Beyonce, women who are too overt or too direct in their interest often get really unpleasant responses. Guys often will overestimate their level of interest and get aggressive or, worse, assume that this is a trick of some kind and respond with anger and aggression. The idea of women getting caught in a catch-22 where you show too much interest and you’re a slut and too little and you’re a frigid prude has been around for literal decades. It was getting called out, specifically, in the goddamn Breakfast Club in 1985.

So right there, you’re proving that you’re fully capable of relating to women and their dating struggles because they are dealing with the same struggles. It has nothing to do with being neurodivergent or even gender and everything to do with being worried about making the wrong move with someone you like and being afraid of the possible fallout.

But even when there’s not a one-to-one correlation between someone’s stated experience and yours, can you truly not find common ground on something that, while not exactly the same, feels very similar? When someone complains that she’s tired of guys having certain expectations based on her looks, you can’t understand other people having particular expectations about you because you’re autistic? You may not have had the same number of sex partners, but you can’t relate to having other adventures and wild experiences and see how they’re similar? You can even say “well, I’ve never done X but I’ve done Y; is it a little like that?”  Finding commonalities is good, being able to say “me too” and show that you can relate to it is good, but it’s not the only thing. Yeah, I know, part of this is the neurodivergence talking; I’ve got my own flavor of this as part of my ADHD combo pack. But the thing is, taking that divergence in experience as an opportunity to get to know them and let them talk about themselves a bit more is a good thing.

But even if you can’t relate directly, or even indirectly, not having the same experience doesn’t mean that this is a problem. Just as you don’t need a one-to-one comparison in order to relate, you don’t need a perfect match of experiences, desires or relationship history for a date to work or to connect with someone on a meaningful level. You don’t have to relate to every single thing they’ve said or done; you can, instead just let them tell you about their experience and ask about it. I’ve never gone SCUBA diving, but when I’ve been on dates with people who have, I focus on their experience and validate them for it. I will literally say “Wow, you’ve done that? I’ve never been, that sounds amazing! What’s it like, do you ever feel like X when you do it, what’s the coolest thing you’ve seen when you were diving?”

This can actually work even better than just finding commonalities or places you can relate. As it turns out, people like it when folks want to hear about their experiences and want to actually listen to them instead of waiting for their turn to talk. This is some classic Dale Carnegie s--t.

Women, in particular, appreciate it when men say “oh that’s really cool/ interesting/ smart; tell me more!” and then proceed to actively listen and ask relevant questions. Because hey, turns out a lot of guys think that when a man does it, it’s automatically awesome but when a woman does it it’s not as cool. So if you can’t necessarily relate, you could always appreciate that this is their experience and take it as an opportunity to get to know them better, while also validating that yes that was cool/ yes, that must suck.� �(We’ll just glide on past the likelihood of someone on a first date talking about her wild sex life or complaining about guys only liking her for her looks because while it’s certainly possible… I suspect that there’s an open question as to who thought this was or wasn’t a date.)

But the part where you really make things unnecessarily difficult for yourself is when you start writing their responses for them in your head, before you’ve even had this conversation. Do you honestly think women aren’t going to understand or empathize with someone’s struggle with their identity or be compassionate and understanding about trying to connect with one’s sense of self and gender? Do you think no woman has ever had issues with, say, the idea of relating to their femininity (or lack thereof)? You’ve never heard women talk about having a stage of “I’m not like those other girls” or self-consciously rejecting “girly” things like, oh, say, Twilight or the color pink?

Similarly, do you really think that women are going to get weird because you like Chappelle Roan’s music, even when “Good Luck, Babe” and “Hot To Go” are certified bangers? Yes, her music is pretty sapphic, but it ain’t like women haven’t rocked out to songs from men about women for generations. FFS, one of the most popular songs in the last century is about how a particular woman is toxic and you know it but goddamn if you can’t resist her anyway.

And if you do run into someone who is going to be weird and gatekeep-y about it… cool, you met an asshole. Remember how that feels the next time you feel exclusionary about some of your interests.

All of this is stemming from this belief that women aren’t going to be able to relate to you, that women live an entirely different existence from yours and that there can be no overlap between how things feel. You’re coming into this preemptively defensive because you’re reacting to what you expect, situations that you’ve played out in your head and decided to treat as though they’ve already happened, and then wondering why you’re having a hard time connecting with people.

This is one of the reasons why I tell people who struggle with meeting or ‘understanding’ women need to consume more media written by women for other women – fiction and non-fiction, print and video and games, rather than other men telling you what women clearly must think or be doing. Instead of assuming that obviously you know women’s thoughts and experiences – source: Dude, Trust Me – try seeing what they’re saying and doing from their side of things. Because trust me: the differences aren’t nearly as stark or alien as you are making them out to be. You’re reacting to your assumptions and beliefs based off projecting your own feelings onto others. That’s going to make it much, much harder to have an honest and meaningful connection than if you come into the interaction just wanting to get to know them.  

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com