Ask Dr. Nerdlove

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’m trying to start dating for the first time. I’m 22, been on exactly ONE date, never kissed, still a virgin. I’ve been shamed about it by so-called “friends” more than once, and I personally would be more ashamed about it if I didn’t go through some…trauma that affected how I see other women and sex and my peers in general. To put it lightly, I’m surprised I didn’t blow my brains out in high school.��For the record, I am “disabled”; semantic-pragmatic language disorder. It’s like autism but only the communication portions, so I struggle with a lot of social cues and sarcasm and other general communication that normal people wouldn’t. For a long time, the fact that I would never be normal, and people wouldn’t like me for it plagued my existence and that it would always leave me on the outside looking in. Turns out asking for help is actually a good thing, as most of my friends could not tell something was “wrong” with me and even in the few instances they could tell it didn’t affect how they thought of me. Nice!��Now for the fun part: applying it to randos. Because of my trauma, I have issues with determining people’s boundaries, being as mine have been violated physically, mentally, emotionally, and sexually. Not that I’m a creep, actually the opposite. A close lady friend of mine said I am one of the most respectful men she’s ever interacted with. Not sure if that says more about me or the men she interacts with, but I digress. The point being I know what is very obviously OK, and I know what is very obviously not OK, but anything in the middle is a little murky for I fear I’m violating other people’s boundaries in the same way other people did to mine.��One of the things I feel is violating boundaries is asking people questions about themselves. It could be as simple as preferences about music or movies or food, but when I think about doing it, my brain goes into overdrive overthinking every scenario possible. Similarly, I feel it uncomfortable to reveal things about myself to strangers, I’ve had even minor things used against me in the past by so-called “friends” and to even be emotionally vulnerable with someone takes a lot of time to allow myself to open up. So, I tend to close up really quickly when it comes to revealing anything and everything that can and will be used against me. I’m not sure if it’s just the perception I have of myself or the way I come off or the response I got when I was a teen (I was really toxic to say the least), but it just feels…wrong to ask or be asked by some person I’ve spoken to for maybe three minutes beforehand about stuff. I know I need to ask and connect with others in order to get into a relationship, but I feel like I need to justify my existence to people before I’m allowed to know stuff about them, and vice versa. It doesn’t help that I’ve been told I’m physically intimidating. I’m not *that* tall, but I am visibly muscular beneath my dad bod and I’ve been told on more than one occasion I look like a “discord mod”, and in general people peg my age closer to 30 than 20.��I know how to start friendships, I know how to maintain friendships, but I don’t know how to progress it into a relationship (or start one) and I need to know how I can best connect with people on a deeper level in order to get that without opening up old scars. I guess that’s my conundrum.

On The Outside Looking In

DEAR ON THE OUTSIDE LOOKING IN: OLI, I get that you want to find love and I empathize, I do. But I have to be honest: I’m not sure you’re actually in any sort of shape to have one.

If you check the letter from Starting From Scratch that I answered the other day, you’d see the part where I told him that he was trying to run before he learned how to walk. In your case, it’s less trying to run when you need to walk, it’s that you’re trying to run a 5k when you’ve got two broken ankles. Yeah, you can get around with a lot of effort, what you want and what you’re trying to do are going to be seriously hindered by the injuries you’re carrying around.

I mean, just the part where you see asking questions or answering questions people are asking you is a serious problem. If sharing information about yourself or asking other people about themselves is something you’re struggling with, you’re going to have a very hard time actually building the sort of connection with people that you need to have a romantic relationship with them.

But honestly the deeper issue here is the trauma that you’ve alluded to, which honestly sounds horrific and I’m sorry you had to go through all of that. I can understand why this has left you more than a little gun-shy with being vulnerable to others, but to be perfectly frank, it sounds like those wounds have never actually closed. One of the things in your letter I noticed is that you never say whether you actually sought out help or treatment for your trauma, or if you’ve been trying to tough it out alone.

If you haven’t, then honestly, that should be your top priority. It doesn’t exactly take Sigmund Freud or Carl Jung to see just how much the after effects of it all have been lingering with you. Between the feeling that you need to justify your very existence before you even have the right to ask questions, and the way you’re unsure that you can recognize some boundaries, you seem like you’re carrying around a lot of pain and scars.

And quite frankly, if you have sought therapy, I’m wondering if it actually helped, or if your therapist was trauma-informed. If that reticence to open up to people and give information about yourself applies even to therapists, then I can see how you might not have gotten as much help as you needed.

Don’t get me wrong: I’m not saying that you’re not deserving of love or that relationships are always beyond you. What I am saying is that you’re dealing with the emotional equivalent of someone who wants to be an athlete when their legs are still in casts. Even after the casts come off, there’s going to be a necessary period of recovery and rehabilitation, where they have to do a lot of tedious work in order to reverse the muscle atrophy, to strengthen their joints and get back to the baseline before they can start training for the games.

And to be absolutely clear: there’s no shame in this, any more than there’s any shame at having been injured in the first place. This was something that was done to you, not something that you brought onto yourself. You’re no more responsible for the actions of the person who hurt you than you would be for the sun rising in the morning. But you were still hurt deeply, in ways that interfere with where you need to be in order to date. Trying to date now is going to be a frustrating and painful experience at best. At worst, the possibility of retraumatizing yourself by accident is pretty goddamn high.  

And believe me, I understand the desire to be over all of this and to finally find someone to love. But in the order of operations of life, resolving your trauma and the effects it’s had on you needs to come first. The problems you describe are all precisely the things that you need to be comfortable with to have a serious relationship. If you can’t let yourself be vulnerable – and believe me, I understand the why of it – then you’re going to have a very hard time finding a partner who’s actually going to be good for you. If anything, you’d be more at risk of finding someone who would want to take advantage of your difficulties and use them against you.

So I think the best thing you can do for yourself is to give yourself permission not to worry about dating or relationships while you address these issues. Find yourself a therapist who is trained in dealing with trauma and sexual abuse and do the work to heal these wounds. I know it means more time being single than you’d prefer but honestly, it will still get you where you want to be faster and with less pain than trying to go it alone and hoping things will heal on their own.

None of this means you’re undeserving of love, nor does it mean that you’re not good enough. It simply means that you’re still hurt, but you can heal if you get the help you need. Right now, you need to be a bad enough dude to love yourself and get the help you need. Don’t worry about your age or any particular timeline; I promise you, love will be waiting for you when you’re ready.

I know it all feels dark right now, but I promise you: hope is out there and hope shines bright.

You’ll be ok. I promise.

All will be well.  

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: In general, I noticed a pattern with men I have dated. They all had better relationships with other people and I realize I was objectified maybe or used maybe because they did not include me but included those other people? Let’s say that had plans with them and not me. I was left “in the dark”. Especially with my ex-husband.��Now that I have realized this unfortunately in my 40’s I have been more discerning and less accepting of certain behaviors. But its lonely sitting here night after night. But really, I would end up sitting here each night anyway because those men just want occasional accompaniment.��The one man I dated actually defended being single to me. And that is partially why we are not in a relationship maybe and because at one time he told me that he wants to be single, and he defended that not all men get married and its normal for men to choose to stay single. That hurt my feelings enough and well gave me my answer since he obviously felt to say that to me.���I started to wonder why these other relationships are so important. I don’t have relationships like that. If I was to date him seriously, he would be my only relationship really. I always made a guy the focus for me. I am learning that people don’t like that, so I am working on it. 

But I think some housewives are probably the same. I know some gals I went to college with probably cook and clean and take the kids to soccer and focus on their man. I am guessing though since I have not heard from them. Or the guys I met in college married women who do those things…. maybe that’s it. I missed out on the good ones in college and now it’s the perpetual single men who want to “walk about” with many that are left.��I guess really the question is why don’t they want to “settle down?” Why not have the security of knowing the same person to sleep next to each night and eat dinner with and go on trips together and then I realized maybe they have that already and are lying to me and that’s why?

Always The Bridesmaid

DEAR ALWAYS THE BRIDESMAID: At the risk of sounding like I’m not taking your issue seriously, I think you’re asking the wrong question here.

Part of the problem is that you’re asking me to read the minds of every man you’ve ever dated and that’s obviously impossible. Leaving aside that I’ve yet to develop telepathy as part of my mutant powers, there’s also the fact that men aren’t a monolith any more than women are. So trying to come up with an explanation of why every man you’ve dated later in life hasn’t wanted to have… let’s call them less-committed relationships with you, is going to depend on the individual in question.

To give an example: while yes, many people tend to be serial monogamists (that is, dating one person at a time), you may have been dating men who simply don’t want monogamy. They may know themselves to not be able to make and adhere to a monogamous commitment and so choose not to be in the position of making a promise they can’t keep. Or they may be someone who knows themselves enough to know that they need a lot of sexual novelty in their lives, and so settling down with just one person isn’t going to do it for them. Not for very long, in any case.

Still others may simply not want to shack up with someone, even someone they’re dating. One of the things I’ve long advocated for is not to assume that people’s relationships need to follow the same pattern. Even if you’re in a loving, committed and monogamous relationship, that doesn’t necessarily mean that you need to share the same bed every night, or even live together. If having separate bedrooms works better and you have the space, then by all means, have your own bedrooms for sleeping and decide how you want to handle where you’re having sex. Or, hell, do what some couples have done and have separate apartments in the same building, get both sides of a duplex… whatever suits your fancy (and your budget, obviously).

And some of it may just be that you’re dating cheating s--theads. While yeah, some people are bad at monogamy and shouldn’t make monogamous commitments, some people are just assholes. There will always be people across the gender spectrum who follow the “want/take/have” school of thought, where they don’t worry too much about promises they’ve made and think things like fidelity are what happens to other people. Hell, I’ve known people who cheat simply because they like the feeling that they’re clever and getting one over on an unsuspecting partner or doing something they’re not supposed to. It’s not that they are non-monogamous so much as they get a charge from the fact that they’re doing something they’re not supposed to; they get off on the fact that they’re betraying their partner.

Or you may simply be dating people who aren’t ready to settle down yet, and they’ll get there when they get there, and it’ll be with whomever they’re with when they decide they’re ready.

But like I said: this is the wrong question. I think the better question you should be asking is why you’re drawn to guys like this and why you let them stay. When you run into the same problem in your relationships, one of the best things you can do to troubleshoot the issue is to look for commonalities. What do all of those relationships have in common, and how many of those variables track across all of these disparate individuals?

Of course, one of the things that is often true is that the most common denominator in all your relationships is, well, you. And if that’s the case, then it becomes an issue of examining your own motivations and desires. Are there things about these men – men who clearly aren’t compatible with you in a fairly fundamental way – that draw you to them? Do they have some sort of devil-may-care energy and swagger that you find appealing when you first meet them? Are they the sort who will promise you the moon and stars early on, and this appeals to your inner hopeless romantic? If that’s the case, then it may be that part of what draws you in are that these are guys who make you feel wanted or special because they know it gets them what they want. You may need to be more discerning about how often that sort of behavior causes you to throw caution to the wind because it feels so good.

By the same token, do these relationships progress the same way? Are they making promises early on in order to get what they want, only to drop the “That’s just what we call pillow-talk baby” on you after? If that’s the case, then you may want to take more time before you sleep with them or try to get serious. While I don’t think that strategies like “no sex before the third date/ commitment/whatever” guarantee results – anyone who wants to hit it and quit it bad enough will just go through the motions, regardless. However, it will at least slow things down enough that you might have a moment to stop and see if he’s actually the guy you want to have a meaningful connection with. One of the best ways to get the measure of someone is to see how they respond when they’re inconvenienced or denied something they want. Someone who’s cool with waiting for sex until you’re feeling more secure in the relationship is more likely to be someone fits into the kind of relationship you want. Someone who keeps trying to get you to change your mind, on the other hand, is signaling that maybe they aren’t seeing the same future as you.

Or is it possible that you leap into these relationships without having the defining-the-relationship convo? Some people have a tendency to work from the position that their idea of a relationship is the universal default, only to be shocked and dismayed when their sweetie has a very different idea. Or you might be rushing into things because you’re swept up in the moment, but you aren’t doing any vetting or checking that they’re on the same page as you.

There’re also people who try to elide that part of the conversation because they know to some degree that trying to define the relationship will also end the relationship. A lot of people who find themselves in “situationships” (and don’t want one) are there because they know at some level that if they call the question, they aren’t going to like the answer they get, so they hope that they can ride it out instead.

If that sounds like it might be the case, you should make a point of being clear of what you’re looking for from your dates. If you know that you want a relationship that’s going to lead to some form of serious commitment, you should be up front about that with people you’re dating. Make it clear, sooner, rather than later, that you are looking for someone who wants to settle down and get serious. If that’s not them, fine, but that means the two of you need to go your separate ways.

You should also make a point of having that DTR conversation and lay out what how you see this relationship working. That includes things like “how much time do we spend together” vs. “how much time do we spend with friends outside the relationship”, “do we live together or not” and so on. Don’t automatically assume that what you picture when you say the word “relationship” is the same thing that they’re picturing; talk it out and see if there’s room for compromise in the places where you’re not on the same page.

Now there’s one thing that’s a little confusing in your letter: when you say that you “don’t have relationships like that,” I’m assuming you mean open or polyamorous relationships. If you mean that you don’t have relationships (as in, platonic connections) with anyone outside of who you’re dating, then I think I can see the problem. Even the most devoted of wife-guys have friends and lives outside of their romantic relationships. Expecting someone to fill every role in your life is, honestly, untenable. It puts an absurd amount of strain on the relationship for everyone involved. The number of relationships that don’t crumble from that level of pressure and expectations is low indeed. So if you’re a “I have one person in my life and that’s it,” you’re going to have a damn hard time finding someone who’s going to be willing to take that position. They exist, but they’re going to be thin on the ground under the best of circumstances. They also have a tendency to not be the healthiest of partners, so that tends to be a “buyer beware” sort of situation.

Now if you mean that you simply make your relationship with the other person your primary focus, but you don’t necessarily mean “they’re the only person in your life”… well that’s still going to be pretty intense, but it’s going to be less of an issue than going full tradwife.

So, TL;DR: do some introspection and examine what your previous relationships have in common. Try to take as objective a look as you can and see if there’s a shared thread among those connections – whether it’s something in the behavior that draws you, or if maybe you’re leaping before you look. In either case, take what you find and see what adjustments you can make to make sure that the people you’re dating are actually right for you. And when you do meet someone who seems to check all your necessary boxes, have the conversation about precisely where you both see this relationship going and what it’s going to look like.

Good luck. 

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I recently turned 25 and I’m dissatisfied with my sexual and romantic inexperience. I recognize that it’s the result of me having slicks anxiety and not really having a social life to speak of outside of my group of friends. All of my friends have managed to pair off and I’m the only single one. Even worse I’m still a virgin. 

I’ve been insecure about this for years but I’m finally ready to try and do something about it, but I don’t know where to start. I don’t know how to hook up with people and I don’t know how to turn a conversation into a date. I feel like I didn’t read the manual that everyone else was gifted during adolescence. 

Please help.

Starting From Scratch

DEAR STARTING FROM SCRATCH: The most obvious thing to start with is that being a virgin isn’t some shame multiplier. Being a virgin, even at an age that’s later than you’d prefer, means nothing except that you haven’t had a specific experience yet. That’s it. It doesn’t make you a loser, it doesn’t mean you’re ‘behind everyone else’ or that you’re some sort of man-child. Anyone who tells you otherwise is trying to leverage your undeserved sense of shame against you in order to sell you something.

Second of all: nobody got a manual when they were going through puberty. Everybody works from the same blank slate and everyone basically had to learn how to interact with folks through trial and error. Some people had an easier time, some people had a harder one, often for reasons that they had no control or influence over, but everybody learns these lessons the same way. It’s the same way you get to Carnagie Hall: head up 57th St and hang a left at 7th Avenue, you can’t miss it. ��No wait, I mean:  practice, practice, practice. 

Here’s a truth: the people who had the easiest time dating or having relationships in high-school or college were people who were more socially fluent and active than the ones who weren’t. It came down to their having more experience connecting with people and figuring out what worked for them and what didn’t. It’s easier to pick up earlier if you’re not as shy or anxious, but the mechanics of it are actually a lot simpler than people make them out to be. It’s literally just talking to people and a willingness to take the risk of making yourself vulnerable enough to say “Hey, I like you, let’s go on a date.” The rest is just details.

But here is another truth: if you’re trying to “make up for lost time” or “catch up” to other people, you’re going to make things harder for yourself than it needs to be. Especially since you’re coming to this with some social anxiety and difficulty branching out from your pre-existing friends.

I know that tone can be hard to convey over text, so I want you to understand that I am saying this as gently and reassuringly as I can: maybe you should try to walk before you run. I’m not going to tell you that hooking up or no-strings sex is a varsity level skill or anything, but it is one that is predicated on meeting people, making sure that they’re the right people – both in terms of personal and sexual compatibility, but also that they want the same things you do – and building the sort of connection and mutual attraction that leads to sex. That’s going to be a tall order when you’re having a hard time being social with people you don’t know yet, never mind don’t know how to turn a conversation into a date.

The problem here is that you’ve set yourself a standard that you are going to have a hard time reaching, and it’s because you’re trying to prove something – to yourself, to the universe or to the imaginary Greek chorus in your head. You’re not trying to live your life, based on your experiences and circumstances, you’re trying to live up to a standard that doesn’t actually exist. You’re working under a lot of false assumptions and expectations of how you’re “supposed” to be and how you think these encounters are going to go and I promise you: what you think you need to be and what you actually need to be are pretty goddamn different.��The good news that what you actually need is a lot easier to achieve. It’s just going to take time and practice, and you’re going to need to moderate your expectations accordingly.

What you should do right now is simply work on getting comfortable talking to people you don’t know yet. Regardless of where and how you’re meeting them, you’re going to need to actually be able to chat up strangers without dissolving into puddles of flopsweat, and to connect with them as people. Even if you’re on the apps, you’re going to have to actually talk to them in person, and that’s going to be a lot harder to do if you’re such a bundle of nerves that you can’t even squeak out a “hello”.

Now this doesn’t mean that you need to be Will Riker levels of smooth and cool; adorkable is a term for a reason after all. You don’t need to do is try to impress them or make them think you’re the hottest thing jumping out of the coffee pot. But you do need to be able to start and maintain a conversation that people will actually enjoy having. If they like talking to you? 90% of the job is already done.

All you need – and I promise you, it really is this simple – is to be curious about other people and want to know more about them. If you can enjoy learning about another person and what makes them tick, you’re going to be way ahead of the game. I can’t tell you how much of making friends or finding dates is simply about asking questions and wanting to know more about folks… especially women. In fact, the most common complaint I hear from women is how guys don’t ask questions about them on dates. The guys either just talk about themselves or make assumptions about the woman across from them and work from there. ��This, needless to say, really annoys the women they’re supposedly interested in. And – again, it should go without saying – annoying a woman you’re into and making them think you’re not interested in them as a person is going to get in the way of any sort of romantic or sexual connection.

So, my recommendation to you right now is to simply practice your social skills and work on getting comfortable talking to people you don’t know. You have multiple opportunities to do this every day, just as you go throughout your daily routine. You don’t need to be having long, drawn out conversations with every cashier or server or barista you see, but getting comfortable with saying “hello” to people and making brief small talk will go a long way towards helping you build those social skills. As you get more comfortable talking to people, look for opportunities to have slightly longer conversations, time and place permitting. This is when going to meet ups, game nights or other social events – not even ones for singles, but just gatherings of like-minded folks is helpful; you’ll be in a specifically social space, with people who are there to socialize and hang out, rather than rushing around town trying to get their errands done. The more you can have these pleasant, even fun conversations, the more you’ll build your confidence and your social skills.

Do this, and you’ll be in a much better place when you feel like you’ve caught a vibe from someone and want to see if there’s more to it than just friendship.

Oh, and one more thing: Sex blogger and audio-porn producer Girl On The Net recently went on a test date with a reader. I highly recommend that you read her piece on how it went. It’s great reading in its own right, but it also has some constructive critique for her pseudonymous date that will also be helpful for you as you work on your social life. If you want to know how a potentially awkward first date can go from the perspective of a woman meeting a guy for the first time, it’s going to be invaluable insight.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com