DEAR NATALIE: My boyfriend caught me snooping. We just started dating exclusively a few months ago, and I wanted to see if he really had stopped seeing other women. I’ve dated cheaters in the past and didn’t want to fall into old patterns. Recently while he was showering, I grabbed his cell phone and started thumbing through his texts. He came out while I was mid-snoop and got really upset with me. There was no way of lying my way out of it, so I admitted that I was checking his phone for other women. He seemed really hurt. He isn’t chatting any other women up, by the way, which only made it worse. Now he feels as though he can’t trust me. Not only that, but his cell phone is glued to his body which makes me feel like a bigger jerk. What do I do?— SNOOPY

DEAR SNOOPY: This is the classic “I have had bad things happen to me in the past so I’ll project that onto my present even if there’s no evidence to support that” situation. You took your fears and concerns from other relationships--which were legitimate--and have made your current lover pay for the sins of those in your past. You can’t get anywhere this way. I would start with apologizing. Then, explain to him what you just told me. You are scared. You are scared of being hurt, of being cheated on, of being lied to. You are afraid of putting your heart out there just for it to be trampled on. See what he says. My guess is that it will open the door to have a real and meaningful conversation around boundaries. What does “cheating” mean to you? What does it mean to him? Finding out where you stand early on in the relationship can help alleviate confusion down the road.  You want to trust your partner.  You just need time and it will take both of you working together to build that foundation. 

DEAR NATALIE: I recently lost my father to a chronic illness he had been suffering with for many years. While he and my mother had a tempestuous relationship at times, they always seemed very much in love and were married for almost thirty years. Well, my mom has already started dating again, and it hasn’t even been a year since my Dad’s death. When I told her that I thought it was kind of ridiculous that she would jump back into the dating pool so soon, she got really angry with me and said that I should mind my own business. Well, let’s just say that was two weeks ago and we haven’t spoken since. Where do we go from here?— STRAINED LOYALTY

DEAR STRAINED LOYALTY: I’m so sorry to hear that your Dad died. Losing a parent can be incredibly difficult. While I don’t know the dynamics of your relationship with either of your parents, it isn’t unusual for you to feel very protective of your father’s memory. I can completely understand how you may feel as though your mother is moving on too soon. But you never really know what a marriage is like unless you are in it. Some people move on quickly because they had a great marriage and want to recreate that experience. Others move on because they feel unburdened. Some never move on with a new partner or they may feel content alone. Everyone’s reasoning is different for how and when they decide to move forward after the death of a spouse. So perhaps over the years, due to your father’s illness or other intruding factors, the relationship began to change and shift course. Maybe your mother took on more of a caretaker role during the last years of your father’s life. I’m just speculating, of course, but try and see where she is coming from. You have to open the lines of communication with your mother. This means you may have to be the one to apologize first. This argument isn’t worth sacrificing your relationship over. Let her know that you didn’t mean to upset her and that you shouldn’t have gotten involved in her love life. However, explain that it did hurt you that she seemed to have moved on so quickly. Let her open up to you and share the reasoning behind it. Be compassionate in how you respond and truly listen to her. People grieve in their own ways and in their own time.

Coming to a place of understanding may prove to be difficult, but it will be worth it if it means salvaging the relationship with your mother. You may be seeing your mother in a different light now. Not as just “Mom” but as a woman with her own desires, needs and wants. It can be jarring to realize that our parents are just people doing their best with what they have. It may be hard for you to look at your Mom without your Dad, but try to remember that at the end of the day, she is a woman who is still here and has to keep on living. Be supportive, be loving and stay connected to her.

Please send your questions to Natalie Bencivenga to asknatalieadvice@gmail.com. Follow her on Twitter @NatalieBenci and on Instagram @NatalieBenci

DEAR NATALIE: My husband told me that he is no longer in love with me. He has been seeing someone else. This whole time I thought he was going to “work” during this Covid-19 nightmare, he was actually spending time with her. His job had laid him off weeks ago and he didn’t even tell me. We’ve been married for four years and while things haven’t always been easy, I had no idea he was doing this to me. What really hurts is that he was exposing himself, myself and our young son to Covid because of this. I am devastated and don’t know what to do. I still love him and want to figure this out. He just said that I am “boring” and that this new girlfriend is “more fun.” The affair started just a few months ago. They met on Instagram. I feel so betrayed and hurt. My religious upbringing also weighs on me because divorce really isn’t an option, but he wants one. What should I do? How can I ever trust anyone ever again? — BROKEN

DEAR BROKEN: There is so much to unpack here. A betrayal of the heart is one of the worst pains to go through, and during such an incredibly uncertain time in our history, I’m sure it weighs on you heavily for many reasons. Unfortunately, if your husband has no interest in working through this, I don’t know what other option you have other than a divorce. While you mentioned that your religious community frowns on divorce, they aren’t walking in your shoes. Why should you have to suffer when you can start fresh? This is 2020 and you don’t have to stay in an unhappy marriage for anyone. The fact that he lied to you about losing his job to spend time with this other person is also just deeply disturbing to me.  I would start exploring your legal options with a divorce attorney. I would also tell him that he needs to find somewhere else to live during this time. We have no idea how careful his new partner is being while out in the community, and we have no idea who the two of them have also been around during this time. Amidst all of this stress and sadness, I hope you can take a moment to yourself to reflect on what it is you want moving forward. Of course you feel betrayed. Of course you feel as though you can’t trust again. These are totally normal reactions to what has happened. I would take this time to reevaluate what you want moving forward. When you are ready, therapy may help you put the pieces back together as you find a new normal. I know it’s hard to hear, but letting him go may be the best thing that could happen to you. Maybe he did you a favor. Who wants to be with someone so callous, cold and selfish, anyway? Find support around you and move forward with your head high. 

DEAR NATALIE: I am a single father and recently met someone online that I really like. She is also a single mother and our daughters are around the same age. Hers is 13, mine is 11. She’s been really wanting to have the girls get together. My daughter has a lot of anxiety right now, and the idea of being around someone she doesn’t know is making her more anxious because of Covid-19. My ex-wife doesn’t want her to be exposed to any new kids, either, but my girlfriend thinks it is time they meet. What do you think? With school starting up again--theoretically--in a few weeks, I really don’t see what it matters if she meets one more kid. Plus, we are all taking precautions. Thoughts? — COVID ANXIETIES AND DATING

DEAR COVID ANXIETIES AND DATING: Take things slowly. You said that you “recently met” someone online. Why do your kids need to meet yet, anyway? Even in “normal” circumstances, I always encourage people with children to take their time introducing them to new partners. Kids get attached. They watch every move you make when it comes to relationships and they internalize the good, the bad and everything in between. It seems to me that your new girlfriend is trying to rush the timeline. Maybe she is expecting you to commit quickly to her. Listen to the person that this will impact the most: Your daughter. She has already voiced her hesitation. Why put more anxiety on her than you need to at this point? Let her decide the pace and support her sense of personal agency to make decisions that impact her own body. She doesn’t owe your girlfriend anything. When she feels ready, and if your relationship is on solid ground, then make an introduction. It is also important that you take your ex-wife’s opinion on this matter seriously, too. This impacts your whole family and with Covid-19 rippling through communities, it is so wrong to err on the side of caution?

Please send your questions to Natalie Bencivenga to asknatalieadvice@gmail.com. Follow her on Twitter @NatalieBenci and on Instagram @NatalieBenci

DEAR NATALIE: I gave my friends a lot of passes during the last election. But at this point, I’m having a hard time with a few of them and their clearly racist viewpoints. Talking about “America first” or “those people” is really starting to grind on me. I feel a lot of guilt because I have been trying to educate myself to learn more about Black issues, in particular. I think some of my friends are finding me to be a bit much these days. I just feel like I’m getting to a point where I don’t know where to go with some of these relationships. One of the women in my life has been a friend of mine for 20 years. We have gone through so much together, but because of her racist views, I am feeling this disconnect. I don’t know how to bridge it. I never really noticed it before I started educating myself. She says that I’m being a “snowflake” about all this “political correctness.” Recently, she invited me to her son’s birthday party. She hasn’t been observing social distancing or wearing masks as she should be, and so I am very hesitant to be around her. But if I don’t go, I feel like this could be the end of our friendship. What do I do? — FRIENDSHIP FALLING APART

DEAR FRIENDSHIP FALLING APART: There is no rule that says that just because you have been friends for a long time means that you will always be friends. Relationships ebb and flow because people change. You are both at different points in your lives than when you met 20 years ago. It seems like you are embracing very different value systems now at this stage of your lives. There’s a difference between being friends with someone who doesn’t like the same things as you--like movie genres, for example--and friends who are committed to upholding systems that are literally killing people. Do not feel guilty that your self-education has made you more empathic to other people’s struggles. If she decides to read or listen or seek out new experiences that deepen her connection to the greater humanity, that’s great. Keep in mind, you don’t have to do anything that you feel uncomfortable with. Setting boundaries will give you back your sense of personal agency in the relationship. If she can’t practice social distancing or wear a mask or recognize that now may not be the best time for a party, that’s on her. Let her walk that road a little more alone and see what happens. Maybe she needs to feel the consequences of her own choices, too. Human rights are just not up for debate like rom-coms.

DEAR NATALIE: My fiancé is obsessed with me getting older. I’m 32, he’s 39. He is constantly dropping hints that maybe I should try Botox or some other non-invasive procedure to make my skin look “younger”. Now granted, he is a plastic surgeon, so I know this is what he does all day, but it is starting to make me feel really insecure and unhappy. We have had arguments about this, and I just don’t know what to do? Also, because of Covid-19, I’m barely leaving our house because I work from home. Not wearing make-up has been really liberating for me. It makes me kind of sad that he just doesn’t like me physically enough as I am. Should I do these treatments like he recommends to save the relationship? It really is that bad. — ANTI-AGING NIGHTMARES

DEAR ANTI-AGING NIGHTMARES: Society puts enough pressure on women, in particular, to look a certain way and our lovers are supposed to be the ones in our lives who lift us up, not tear us down. What your fiance is doing is symptomatic of the patriarchal system that harms everyone.  He may also be obsessed with the aging process because he is approaching the big 4-0 and may be projecting his own internalized insecurities about getting older onto you. If you had approached him and wanted his opinion about what treatments you could do, that would be one thing. But the fact that he keeps bringing up this issue shows that he is a very superficial person. Is this someone you want to spend your life with? If you want to try Botox, that’s fine. If you want to never touch your face, that’s fine too. It’s about what you want, how you want to feel, and if he is manipulating you into thinking you need to look or be a certain way to appease his own ego, I would reconsider the relationship. If he can’t stop criticizing your appearance at 32, how will he accept you at 52? Or 72? You have to look in the mirror everyday and feel good about you, and having your partner judging you is no way to live. Call it out. This is 2020. People are speaking out more about body inclusivity, about aging with self-compassion, about radical self love. I recommend you read, “The Body Is Not An Apology,” by Sonya Renee Taylor. Tell him that his words are harmful, hurtful and not the words of someone who loves you.  Life is way too short to be bullied and pushed around by someone that is supposed to be your lover. His behavior is anything but loving and, my darling, you deserve so much better for yourself.

Please send your questions to Natalie Bencivenga to asknatalieadvice@gmail.com. Follow her on Twitter @NatalieBenci and on Instagram @NatalieBenci