DEAR NATALIE: I recently lost my father and we had to have a very small funeral for him. Because we couldn’t do the typical wake and service due to Covid-19 restrictions, I’m feeling so confused about my emotions surrounding his death. I was talking to my mother about this and she feels the same way. We are all “adrift at sea,” she said. Is there anything I can do to help her and to help myself make peace with his death? I just feel so lost. — COULDN’T MOURN

DEAR COULDN’T MOURN I am so sorry to hear of the death of your father. Losing a parent is hard enough, let alone in 2020 with a pandemic preventing people from the rituals that help us through this process. Grief can be incredibly isolating. I say it is the road we all walk together alone. Couple that with the very real physical isolation that so many people are experiencing right now and it is no wonder you feel adrift. In a moment where you need to be comforted, we aren’t as able to provide one another that physical support. And so what can we do? I would suggest a few things knowing that they will still feel and look different than before. You may want to host a virtual memorial service via Zoom where family and friends can gather to share stories of your father. If this feels too intense, you could request to have family and friends send you short video messages that you can watch on your own, highlighting their favorite moments with your father. You can write your father a letter or have your family members send letters or emails of their favorite stories to you. A counselor said something really profound to me once that may help: “Even though they are gone from this world, your relationship isn’t over. It just transforms.” You still have a relationship with your dad, but it’s just different now. What is something that you can do to help you feel close to him? For example, I have a mug that my Grandma gave me. Whenever I miss her, I have tea in that mug and look at old photos or just talk to her. Whatever rituals you can create, no matter how small, try them and see how you feel. There also isn’t a rule that says in the future you all can’t gather together to celebrate his life. When the time is right, that could be another option, as well. And if you are feeling the weight is too heavy to carry alone, please reach out and find a grief counselor. There is no shame in taking care of yourself. Let’s de-stigmatize mental health and do what is best for ourselves. 

DEAR NATALIE: I have tried to talk to my family about racism. We are white. I have tried to explain to them that dismantling racism starts at home. We need to talk to our children about this. But my brother and his wife are really fighting with me on this point. They don’t think it is appropriate that I recently talked to their kids (who are 10 and 12) about the Black Lives Matter movement. But, their kids asked me about it. They aren’t dumb. They see and hear everything going on. My sister-in-law thinks it isn’t “mentally healthy” for their kids to be “exposed” to these issues which they think have been “blown out of proportion.” We were at my brother’s last weekend for dinner and ended up in a big argument about this. The weird part is, we are all (pretty much) on the same page politically, but yet, they don’t feel that I should be so vocal. I am really frustrated with them both and now things are tense. Clearly I don’t want to fight, but if we don’t share these things with our children, how will anything change? Any advice on how to help my brother and sister-in-law come to terms with this? — TALK ABOUT IT

DEAR TALK ABOUT IT: This is a challenging time for many people who have never had to address racism in their homes or in their own hearts. The truth of it is, Black and non-white people have had to have these difficult conversations about the impact of racism with their children for years. Your sister-in-law trying to shield her children from the conversation of racism is an illustration of white privilege. Avoiding this talk, no matter how defensive they may be, while others are suffering and dying from the actual effects of racism helps no one. I would suggest some age-appropriate books for their children like “Harbor Me” by Jacqueline Woodson and “Just Mercy (Adapted for Young Adults): A True Story of the Fight for Justice” by Bryan Stevenson. I would also recommend “How to be an Antiracist” by Ibram X. Kendi for your brother and sister-in-law to help them along their journey. Your relationship might be tense right now because you are growing and learning at different rates, but that is something you don’t have control over. Much of racism is rooted in self-interest, in a fear of losing something, in a fear of recognizing yourself in someone else. It takes time and it is up to everyone to do their part. Start with yourself. This work is continuous and it is not an easy road. You can’t force anyone to do this work, so just be an example by continuing the work yourself. Continue to speak out. Educate and embrace. Shaming won’t help, but open and vulnerable conversations might. A little empathy can go a long way. Remind them that whether they want to talk to their kids about this or not, it is naive to think that their children aren’t getting an education about racism from other places. At this point, wouldn’t they want to have some control over that narrative? There can be joy in letting go of what divides us and instead celebrate our differences. It may sound cliche, but we are stronger together. This outlook can change not only our personal beliefs on what it means to be human, but systemically, we can then create a more equitable and peaceful world for everyone to have an opportunity to not just survive, but thrive.

Please send your questions to Natalie Bencivenga to asknatalieadvice@gmail.com. Follow her on Twitter @NatalieBenci and on Instagram @NatalieBenci

DEAR NATALIE: So this is awkward. I recently broke off my engagement with my live-in boyfriend of five years. Our lease isn’t up for another six months and because of Covid-19, neither of us are really able to “couch hop” right now. I can’t afford to move out, either, because I lost my job and he was supporting us both because of the pandemic. I broke it off because he’s very critical of me. In the heat of the moment, I just blurted out, “I want out!” He doesn’t think I’m serious, but I am. What do I do? How do I get out of this mess? I’m also dealing with the fact that he’s acting like the victim here. Any ideas? —NO WAY OUT

DEAR NO WAY OUT: Emotions are running high as some people find themselves in close quarters, spending too much time together. I don’t think you are alone in recognizing that your relationship isn’t going to go the distance. Now the question remains: Is there anyone you can turn to for support? Do you have any family around you that you are comfortable reaching out to? I know you said that you don’t want to couch hop, but is there any way that you could at least spend part of the week with someone that you trust just to ease the tension? I don’t know how big your space is that you are sharing, but can you put a cot or a mattress in another room to sleep in to give yourself some physical distance? This is not a long-term strategy, but just something to consider until you can find a more permanent solution. Because of the ripple effect that Covid-19 has had, it has exposed a lot of inequities in our communities, including housing insecurity as well as employment insecurity. The fact that you don’t have any options speaks to the failings of these systems and how quickly people can fall into a bad place due to a lack of resources. Try not to be too hard on yourself. Until you are able to find a new space, I would talk to him as calmly as possible. “I know this isn’t an ideal situation now that we have broken up. I know we are both hurting. But until one of us can afford to leave, we are stuck here together. How do you think we can work together to make the best of this?” Maybe that means creating a list of boundaries that you can agree on. Maybe it means spending time apart as much as you can. Maybe it means really talking through the issues that you have. Perhaps this relationship is salvageable if you have time to share what is in your hearts. If you find that this just isn’t going to work and you feel threatened in any way, reach out to a social worker in your area that can help you find housing resources if any are available. 

DEAR NATALIE: Because of Covid-19, my youngest brother and his fiancé decided to elope last weekend. They are going to have a very small reception soon and then a larger reception when all of this is “over.” I wasn’t sure if it was appropriate to give a gift now or wait until the larger gathering, which would most likely be next year. What do you think? —SAY YES TO THE GIFTS

DEAR SAY YES TO THE GIFTS: I definitely think it is appropriate to bring a gift to the smaller party. Considering you don’t even know when the larger event will be, you don’t want to show up empty-handed to the get-together that you’ve been invited to...especially as his brother. You can always bring them a really great bottle of champagne and a card with money/check/gift card to a place you know they can utilize during a pandemic, like a home improvement store. This is the year of practicality and restraint when it comes to gifts. The bottle of bubbles says, “Let’s party!” but the responsible gift says, “It’s 2020, let’s build a safe room!” Overall, you can’t go wrong. Then, when and if they end up having a big reception, you can get them something more personalized, like a photo album of their experiences together. Get creative with that idea and make it a gift from the heart.

Please send your questions to Natalie Bencivenga to asknatalieadvice@gmail.com. Follow her on Twitter @NatalieBenci and on Instagram @NatalieBenci

DEAR NATALIE: My boyfriend and I have a great relationship, but there is one problem:  His ex. They have a six-year-old daughter together and I adore her. His daughter lives with us because his ex is crazy and has a drug problem. But that’s not actually my issue. My issue is the way his ex treats me. I’m very loving with his daughter and we have a lot of fun together, but his ex is constantly berating me in front of her. I think she’s jealous of the fact that his daughter prefers me over her. We have been together for three years and I know our relationship is heading towards marriage. So what should I do? I can’t marry him if his ex is a destructive force in my life, but I also love him and his daughter and don’t want to break it off.  I can’t go on like this. She is in my face at least once a week about the situation and it has got to stop. She lost custody two years ago because of her drug problem and she won’t seek help. My boyfriend has washed his hands of her, but he also doesn’t “get involved” when she attacks me. Any suggestions? —SHE’S RUINING EVERYTHING

DEAR SHE’S RUINING EVERYTHING: Sounds as though your boyfriend is trying to remain neutral in this situation. In some cases, I might agree with that position, but I don’t think it is working in this case. The fact that you are loving to his child and that you are willing to stand by him even with all the drama that his ex has brought into your life is very admirable. He needs to recognize and respect that. But I did take note that you referred to her as “crazy” and as a “drug addict.” I would think about how you may be approaching her with judgment instead of compassion. If she is experiencing addiction and mental health issues, those could be reasons for her combativeness. She may feel as though you are trying to take her place in her daughter’s life and that could make her feel defensive or insecure. Instead of being hostile with her, try to empathize how difficult things may be right now in her world. If you can treat her with dignity and respect, see how that may change the energy and dynamic. If nothing else, it may just make it easier for you to be around her knowing what is at the root of all of this. As for your boyfriend, if he balks at the thought of standing up for you, that’s problematic. This woman is going to be in his life. Period. She is the mother of his child. But, you have options. You can either stay and put up with this and hope that it simmers down with time, or you can walk away. If things are going to progress with him over time, he needs to be on your side and realize what a challenging position you are in. If you are able to take a step back so that you don’t interact with his ex as much if at all, that may also help to turn down the heat on this situation. I would talk to him and tell him how you are feeling. At the end of the day, this is just as much his problem as it is yours. The only way through will be together. If he can’t get onboard with that, then you have to decide if you are willing to stick by someone who won’t stick up for you. 

DEAR NATALIE: I’ve been dating a guy for about two years now and it has gotten pretty serious. We recently moved in together right before COVID-19 hit and I am hoping this will lead to an engagement. We are both almost 30, and I want to start a family sooner than later. However, he recently told me that he “doesn’t believe in marriage,” and we ended up getting into a big argument about it. What do I do? —HARD CHOICE

DEAR HARD CHOICE: He may not believe in marriage for a myriad of reasons but that doesn’t mean that you don’t. If marriage is something that is a non-negotiable for you, then you may need to rethink this relationship. You either accept that he isn’t going to propose and deal with it, or you have to cut him loose and find a man who has the same set of values as you do. If you try to force him into marriage with ultimatums, he may end up resenting you. If you try to appease him, you may end up resenting him. You are young. You still have plenty of time to find the right fit and have the family that you want. In fact, maybe if you do explain the importance of why you want to marry, who knows? He may see things your way. Whatever happens, just follow your instincts and don’t settle.

Please send your questions to Natalie Bencivenga to asknatalieadvice@gmail.com. Follow her on Twitter @NatalieBenci and on Instagram @NatalieBenci