DEAR NATALIE: My boyfriend of four years and I just broke up last week. It was a rough breakup but I was so unhappy that I needed to get out of the relationship. Since then, he has been going around to all of my friends and family and telling them lies about me and what caused our breakup. He’s saying I cheated on him, but really, I caught him DMing women on Instagram. That was the last straw. I am so angry with him for stooping so low, but I don’t know what to do to stop him. Should I confront him? — ANGRY EX DEAR ANGRY EX: Emotions run high after a breakup and my guess is that your boyfriend is embarrassed by his own behavior so he is projecting it onto you. He doesn’t want anyone to judge him by his actions and he’s decided to go on the attack. I’m assuming your friends and family know why you split up, so I wouldn’t lose too much sleep over this nonsense. If it is really bothering you, though, there is nothing wrong with telling him exactly how you feel. I would nip this in the bud before any of these lies take root. You could approach it a couple of ways. 1. You could scream at him, which probably won’t help in the long run--even if it temporarily makes you feel better. 2. You could honor the four years you were together and ask him to do the same by having a respectful dialogue about his recent behaviors. He is clearly holding on and needs to let go. The relationship is over. His choices made that decision for him. Make that clear. Tell him that the lying has to stop. He needs to take a seat and regroup. If he can’t do that, then you will be sure to tell everyone exactly what happened and let them know what a liar he really is. The ball is in his court. There are consequences to actions, and as much as some people would like to believe, you don’t just get to spew lies and not expect to be held accountable for them. 

DEAR NATALIE: My boyfriend recently proposed to me during my birthday Zoom with all of my family and friends. I think he thought it would be sweet, but I actually don't want to marry him and don't feel ready. I said "yes" in the moment because I was caught off guard and embarrassed. I don't like being the center of attention and he should know that after being with me for two years. In any case, I haven't been wearing the ring and he keeps asking why.  I told him because it's "too small" which isn't true. I don't want to ever marry. How do I tell him without causing him to break up with me? I still love him, I just don't want to be his husband. —NO MARRIAGE FOR ME

DEAR NO MARRIAGE FOR ME: “If it ain’t broke, don’t marry it,” was a joke I used to say when people would ask me when I was going to marry my now-husband. For a long time, I didn’t want to marry, he wasn’t ready, and so we just lived as bohemian lovers. And it was great. Being married is also great. For us. But, marriage is not for everyone. If you don’t want to marry him, you need to tell him. As awkward or uncomfortable as it might be, you have to be honest with him about how you feel. Explain to him that you were caught up in the moment--and caught off guard. But now, with time to have thought things through, you realize that marriage is just not for you. Share with him that you love him, that this isn’t about that. This is about your beliefs. Maybe down the road you will change your mind. Maybe you won’t. State your truth and see what happens. Hopefully, love wins for both of you.

Please send your questions to Natalie Bencivenga to

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DEAR NATALIE: I found my boyfriend of seven years using dating sites. Well, actually, I found them in the "cloud" after he deleted them two days ago. I asked him about this. He said that he was not on any dating sites. I said, “Well, you’re not now after you deleted them a day before I came home from work!” (I work on a travel team Sunday through Thursday in different cities and states.) I cannot get him to talk about this after I questioned him. He then turns around and says it's “my guilty conscience.”  What do I do? —HOPELESS IN MISSISSIPPI

DEAR HOPELESS IN MISSISSIPPI: Follow your gut and the cloud on this one. It’s pretty clear that you already know he’s on dating sites. What’s more upsetting is the fact that he’s blame-shifting and lying. Saying that you have a “guilty conscience” is really just him projecting his own feelings about what he has done onto you. If he is unhappy in the relationship, then he needs to explain to you what is going on. If you are unhappy, you need to share that with him, as well. Get it out in the open. Are these issues that you can work on? Do you want to work on them or are you both just coexisting as roommates at this point? Just because you’ve been together for a long time doesn’t mean that you have to stay together. The idea of being single again after seven years may seem daunting, but it’s better to be alone than to be with someone who treats you and the relationship with disrespect. Get to the root of the issue. Go to therapy together if he is willing. Find out what is causing the disconnect and either work to come back together or make a plan to go your separate ways. 

DEAR NATALIE: Am I the only one who hasn’t been productive during this quarantine? I feel like a lot of my colleagues and friends are acting like nothing is happening. Someone actually said to me the other day, “Why aren’t you taking this time to work on your novel?” (I’m a copywriter). I have absolutely no creative energies right now. I am scared, depressed and anxious most days. In fact, it takes a lot for me just to get through what I need to for my job. Then, I feel exhausted. I am perplexed by people’s ability to distance themselves from reality right now. I feel like I’m going crazy, too. How can we cope with feeling both depressed over not being productive during a pandemic and also allow space to grieve all that we’ve lost as a society? —COVID MELTDOWN

DEAR COVID MELTDOWN: It is wild that we are expecting the same level of productivity from adults and children alike during a global pandemic, civil rights movement and economic collapse. You should not be expected to perform or be productive, but because of the demands and unrealistic expectations that our society puts on us, here we are. You don’t owe anyone your creativity. You don’t owe anyone a performance. If you aren’t feeling like it, don’t do it. It is hard enough to just survive right now. Your productivity does not equal your worth. This framework is harmful to both your mental and physical wellbeing. Allow yourself space to grieve. Take this time to refocus on what matters to you. It is a challenging time for so many of us. When people are feeling anxious, depressed, scared or angry, it can be difficult to feel creative. Channeling your energy into something that makes you feel good might be the better solution here. Self care is not selfish. Do something for yourself like journaling, baking cookies, yoga, taking a hot bath, watching a silly movie or reading a good book. It is also OK to reach out for help. Therapy should not be a luxury and it should be accessible to everyone. If you are able to tap into that form of support, I recommend it. Hopefully--someday--we will live in a country where everyone’s health is prioritized. Because so many people are in denial about Covid-19, it can feel as though you are going “crazy.” Don’t let anyone gaslight you. Some are compartmentalizing all of this collective trauma so that they can try to function on the day-to-day. Collective grief often manifests as anger when it isn’t being properly addressed. Life is not “normal” right now and the attempt to normalize mass evictions, job losses and hundreds of thousands of deaths in an eight-month period is enough to send anyone into a mental spiral. Ground yourself, surround yourself (in a safe way!) with people who are a comfort to you, and just take care of yourself. The only way through this is together, and I hope people start to recognize that on a collective level.

Please send your questions to Natalie Bencivenga to

asknatalieadvice@gmail.com. Follow her on Twitter

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DEAR NATALIE: My boyfriend and I have been having some trouble lately in our relationship. We’ve been together for three years and started dating our senior year of college. Things were great in the beginning but now it always seems like he can’t support my decisions. I just received a promotion at work that I had been working towards. I was so excited to tell him the good news but all he did was complain that I’ll be working more. It really hurt me. He didn’t even congratulate me. He just criticized me. He even balked at the fact that I’ll have “just” a slight pay raise. Honestly, I’ve been working more because he is increasingly miserable to be around, especially because we’ve both been trapped at home due to the pandemic. He has a good job that he does remotely, so I don’t understand what this is even about. What should I do? —UNHAPPY AT HOME

DEAR UNHAPPY AT HOME: I think sometimes when people send me letters they already know the answer. It’s more that they need someone to validate their feelings or they need someone to give them “permission” to do what they already want to do. In this case, as I read between the lines, I sense that you already feel disconnected from your boyfriend. He isn’t supportive, you haven’t grown closer during this pandemic, and he is critical of you. What are you holding onto in your relationship? This pandemic has been able to expedite a lot of change for people, both good and bad. Take this as a blessing. You are now seeing that in the long term, you may not be compatible. That’s OK. You are allowed to walk away from a relationship that isn’t healthy. Of course not every day is sunshine and roses, but feeling depressed, demoralized and demeaned by your partner is no way to live. If you can afford to leave and have somewhere to go, just do it. Life is too short to be with someone who isn’t bringing out the best in you.  

DEAR NATALIE: My best friend and her boyfriend just recently broke up.  They had been dating for about a year and had been having problems. Well, I have always had a crush on her boyfriend and yesterday he asked me out for “socially distant” coffee. Is this a date? Should I go? I want to be there for my friend, but I really like him.

—THINKING THIS THROUGH

DEAR THINKING THIS THROUGH: Isn’t this a clear violation of some girl code written somewhere? Let me sum it up for you. If my ex-boyfriend and my best friend started dating days or weeks after we broke up, I would end my relationship with her, too. There are plenty of fish in the sea. It may not seem like it because our worlds have shrunk due to COVID-19, but someday the world will open up again, and you will have opportunities to meet new people that your best friend hasn’t slept with first. Asking you out was callous and selfish on his part as well as showing a lack of good judgment. How do you know he isn’t doing this just to make your friend jealous? Imagine if you were in her shoes, how would you feel? She’s going through a hard time right now and needs your support. What she doesn’t need is you undermining your friendship by going out with her ex-boyfriend. Take a minute and really think this through before you make any choices that you can’t undo.

Please send your questions to Natalie Bencivenga to

asknatalieadvice@gmail.com. Follow her on Twitter

@NatalieBenci and on Instagram @NatalieBenci