DEAR NATALIE: A few years ago, I hosted a birthday party for my husband at a nice restaurant and invited his four kids, their spouses, and their 9 grown grandchildren; all of whom are heavy drinkers and live out of town. When I was presented with the bill, I was surprised at how expensive it was and got up to question the waiter. As I did, my son-in-law approached me and asked, "How do you like the cost of the wine?" When I searched this charge on the bill, I saw that one bottle of wine cost $400. I'm sure that my face represented my shock and I said to him, "You knew I was paying and you never even offered me a glass of wine." My husband was finally offended last year when we took them to dinner and my 26-year-old step-grandson ordered four bourbons. When he mentioned it to his daughter, she brushed him off and said that he was under a lot of pressure to find a job. For me, the pandemic has been a welcome pause from these types of uncomfortable family visits. His daughter is now trying to set up a visit with us soon. As senior citizens, we have been vaccinated, but our daughter and some at-risk family members on my side have not been vaccinated yet. My husband has told them about our concern, but I am afraid that they will just show up on our doorstep. His kids have done this in the past, calling them “ambush visits.” Is there a way for my husband and I to politely decline to see them if they come to town?  Also, what is the proper way to prevent their exorbitant alcohol charges on the bills when I am paying?

—EMOTIONALLY SPENT

DEAR EMOTIONALLY SPENT: These people sound like vampires, sucking the life out of you both emotionally and financially. I cannot even fathom justifying a $400 bottle of wine, let alone expecting someone else to pay for it. To add insult to injury, the fact that you weren’t even offered a glass is beyond rude. It’s downright hostile. The “ambush visits” that you are concerned about concern me, as well. His family clearly has no sense of boundaries or manners, and I can understand why you would be worried for your physical as well as mental health around them. This comes down to standing your ground, creating boundaries and sticking to them. If you do not feel comfortable with his family visiting  -- and who could blame you considering we are still in a global pandemic -- then you need to assert yourself. Let his kids know that you will not be able to host them for the foreseeable future. If they wish to engage with you or your husband, Zoom will have to suffice for now as you are still wary about visits even after everyone is vaccinated. As far as the dinner bill is concerned, the next time that you have them for dinner, either take them to a restaurant where there aren’t expensive bottles on the menu or order takeout and eat at one of your family member’s homes. Another solution is to go to a restaurant that is BYOB so that they have to bring their own wine if they want to have it with dinner. It creeped me out that your son-in-law said what he said to you about the bottle of wine. It felt incredibly passive aggressive, like he wanted to punish both you and your husband. Unfortunately, we can’t choose our family, but we can limit the type and frequency of engagement. Luckily they live out of town, but if they are causing this much anxiety around even the possibility of a visit, it is time to lay down some boundaries and stick to them. 

DEAR NATALIE: My girlfriend and I moved in together due to COVID-19 and things seemed fine for a while. However, lately, she tells me that she wants to see other people. She still wants to live with me and date me -- I have been paying our rent -- but now she wants to date other guys, too. I don’t really want to have this arrangement, and I wonder if she isn’t already seeing someone else. What do I do? —GIRLFRIEND ISSUES

DEAR GIRLFRIEND ISSUES: Your instincts are most likely right on this one. She could definitely be seeing someone already and I would ask her about that directly. If you were interested in an open relationship, that would be one thing. But clearly, you aren’t. It sounds like she wants to continue having you pay her rent while she does whatever she feels like with whomever she wants. You have to make a decision here. Do you accept the terms laid out for you or do you move forward without her? Regardless of your decision, make sure that it factors your feelings into it, too, and not just hers.

Please send your questions to Natalie Bencivenga to

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DEAR NATALIE: I am a 58-year-old woman who has been married for a second time for 24 years. I am smart, educated, hard working, attractive and fit. I never had an issue with my appearance since I have always stayed in shape and dressed to impress. So why doesn’t my husband want to have sex with me? In the 24 years of marriage, we have had sex less than 10 times. We have been to counseling twice, but each time after a couple of visits when the lack of sex discussion comes up, he quits going. We have never resolved this issue, as he refuses to accept responsibility. Early in our marriage, he told me that he didn’t like me to initiate sex, so I stopped. Then, sex stopped all together. On our seven-day honeymoon, we didn’t have sex once. I have spent close to $60,000 on plastic surgery thinking I had body imperfections which he found unattractive. I now know better. So my question is this: Why should I stay married? We are good friends and are together all the time, but there is zero intimacy. I feel like his sister instead of his wife. Am I being stupid for wanting out of a marriage for this one reason? Is that enough for me to end a marriage and spend my senior years alone? I can’t even speak to him about this because he becomes furious, and he will not discuss it. What do I do?

—LOOKING FOR LOVE

DEAR LOOKING FOR LOVE: Clearly you have reached the end of your patience. It broke my heart to read how much money and energy you have spent trying to “fix” yourself to please him when he clearly isn’t thinking about you in this situation at all. It is fascinating to me that the issue cannot even be discussed. After all of these years, to not have any idea why he is refusing to have sex with you, leads me to believe that this is a deeply rooted issue that perhaps he isn’t fully aware of himself. There could be a few explanations. Perhaps he is having physical issues or has had them for a long time. He may be embarrassed to tell you or to discuss what could be causing them. Perhaps he’s questioning his sexuality. If he’s not ready to admit this to himself or to you, he may be putting up this intimacy wall, instead. Perhaps he’s been having an affair. He could be asexual and not sure how to share that with you. Society has us believing that men always want sex and that women could take it or leave it. These negative and untrue stereotypes are confining and suffocating, not allowing for growth. Whatever is going on, it is something that he’s clearly been grappling with for more than two decades. But enough about him. In fact, it seems like it is always about him. What do you want? The idea of being trapped in a sexless marriage clearly isn’t working for you. You deserve the chance to find someone who can fulfill you on every level. You deserve the opportunity to meet someone who makes your heart skip a beat -- not someone that you refer to as a brother instead of a lover. I am not a big fan of ultimatums, but perhaps the only way to find out what is going on is to put it all on the table. Let him know that you love him and care about him, but that you are incredibly lonely in this marriage. He won’t speak to you about what is bothering him or preventing intimacy, so what choice do you have but to discuss divorce? I’d rather live my life independently and authentically than stay with someone who feels like a stranger to me in many ways. Of course, no one can make that decision for you but yourself, but you have every right to live your life as fully and boldly as you want. If he won’t walk the journey with you, it might be time to forge a new path on your own. 

DEAR NATALIE: I have a great life. I am not going to lie. I have a great husband, two wonderful kids and a job that I love. However, my one friend -- a close friend that I have known for years -- always likes to put negative “doubts” in the air about my life. She says things like, “Oh, your kids may be great now … but just wait until they become teenagers!” or “Your husband stays late at work some nights … doesn’t that make you wonder?” Things like this. They really upset me. How do I tell her to stop meddling in my life and bringing me down all the time? —NEGATIVE NANCY

DEAR NEGATIVE NANCY: These aren’t just self-deprecating statements. These statements aren’t about her life and how she is miserable. These statements are a deliberate attack on your family and your marriage. I would not put up with any of this. Friends are supposed to support each other. We get enough criticism from the outside world. We don’t need our friends making disparaging comments that keep us up at night. If you haven’t asked her for her advice on raising children or marriage, I don’t really know why she feels the need to direct such pointed statements like those at you. It’s mean-spirited, pot-stirring nonsense. The next time she makes a comment like the ones you shared, stop her in that moment and call it out. Say something like: “You know, it really hurts my feelings when you ridicule my family or my marriage. I would really appreciate it if you would refrain from saying negative things about my life when what I really need is a cheerleader.” Perhaps she genuinely didn’t realize that she hurt your feelings. And if she becomes defensive or angry, maybe she needs to feel the weight of those emotions. I wouldn’t shrink yourself to accommodate her insecurities. If she can’t handle being a friend, put some emotional distance between yourself and her. You have a right to protect your space and if she can’t respect your boundaries, you may have to put up some walls.

Please send your questions to Natalie Bencivenga to

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DEAR NATALIE: My husband and our nanny have been getting close. A little too close if you ask me. She is 22-years-old and very pretty. I am a lawyer and work long hours, so she is in our home with him many nights of the week. Because of Covid-19, he often works from home. This never bothered me until recently. I saw her flirting with him the other night when I came home from work. She was holding my daughter and asking him all sorts of questions about his business and wanted to know if he could privately mentor her. I was sick. I don’t think he thought I could hear them. I confronted him and he seemed truly shocked that I would even think that she was flirting or that he would be interested. But, trust me, I know what I felt in my gut. How do I nip this in the bud? She is a great nanny -- I’ll give her that -- but this nonsense has to stop.

—NANNY ISSUES

DEAR NANNY ISSUES: Well, there are two ways to play this. You can either believe your husband and give this situation a second chance, or you can believe your instincts. I wouldn’t be comfortable with her asking questions about “private mentoring” and I certainly wouldn’t be OK with him entertaining that idea. You need to make these boundaries very clear to your husband. This is your family and the nanny is supposed to be a support to that system, not a threat. I also find it disturbing because she is a very young woman and who knows what part of that conversation you could have missed. She may have felt coerced into saying something to appease him. I would refrain from placing the majority of the blame onto her and instead redirect your attention to your husband’s motives. He needs to recognize that there is a power differential here when having a 22-year-old young woman working for him. He needs to not only respect the boundaries of your marriage, but also those between himself and her. If that doesn’t work and she is becoming too much of a distraction, you may have to help her find another job and look for another nanny...  or another husband.  

DEAR NATALIE: My boyfriend and I have been together for a little over a year and the sexual chemistry we have is hot. However, outside of the bedroom, we don’t really have that much in common. We come from very different backgrounds and find ourselves struggling to connect. But I really do care about him and the sex is amazing. My friends keep telling me that I shouldn’t waste my time on a guy that isn’t marriage material. I do want a family down the road -- I’m 28 -- and I am wondering if maybe my friends are right? I really do enjoy his company and just not sure what to do? —SAY YES TO THE SEX

DEAR SAY YES TO THE SEX: While it is true that you can’t build a long-lasting relationship on sex alone, I can also understand why the sex has kept you together -- especially during a pandemic. But it is also important to note that sexual intimacy can come in waves, moving in and out of relationships during various stages and phases of life together. So what is it that can be the glue when the passion dims from time to time? The question isn’t so much do you love this guy -- but do you like him? People may scoff at that question, but liking someone is very underrated. Do you have common interests? Do you laugh at the same things? Do you have the same vision of the future? Do you both want children? Take a refrain from the sex for awhile and see if there’s anything else there. If not, you may want to reconsider what it is you are looking for in a long-term partner. There is nothing wrong with passion being one of the central components that keeps you together. But it can’t be the only one.

Please send your questions to Natalie Bencivenga to

asknatalieadvice@gmail.com. Follow her on Twitter

@NatalieBenci and on Instagram @NatalieBenci