DEAR NATALIE: I am engaged to an older man who I have been dating for the past few years. I have moved some of my clothing and other personal items from my house into an unused room in his house. He has a grown daughter who moved away many years ago and she recently came home for a weekend visit. She arrived while I was working, and when I drove home that day, I was horrified to see that all of my clothing and personal items were thrown on top of dirty boxes in the open and filthy garage. She was not happy that I had used a closet and dresser in "her" old room.  I immediately loaded my items back into my car. I worried that she would blow up if I asked her about moving my belongings so I didn't mention it. She never brought it up, either. I quietly addressed the issue with my fiancé later that night. He did not feel a need to discuss the situation with her because she would be leaving in a couple days, anyway. I am afraid that she will always consider me to be an intruder, and I have suggested to my fiancé that we look for another home to move into when we are married. He does not want to buy another home, and he will not move into my house due to the distance from his favorite golf course. I cannot consider selling my home yet because I am using it for storage. If this situation is not better by the time we are married, I am wondering if I should consider buying myself a larger home, in his neighborhood near the golf course, and ask him to move in with me? —CAST AWAY

DEAR CAST AWAY: What concerns me most in this scenario is that fact that everyone seems afraid to confront the daughter for throwing your belongings out into the garage. Her old room may have some sentimental value for her — but she doesn't live there anymore — and she needs to recognize that her father is allowed to move on with his life. Instead of tossing your things into the garage, she could have asked you about your belongings being in “her room.” Her response is that of a child, not a grown adult. I am concerned that she’s behaving so disrespectfully and that your fiancé didn’t do anything about it. Is he afraid of her reaction? Is she emotionally abusive and he doesn’t want to deal with it? Learning more about the dynamics of his family before you walk down the aisle may be helpful to you as you navigate these murky and volatile waters. As far as you buying a house that is in his preferred neighborhood for the both of you to live in, I would talk that through with him first. Yes, you marry your partner, but you also marry into a family. Are these the family dynamics that you want to deal with in the long term? It sounds like you are being incredibly accommodating to him, but he needs to meet you halfway, too. If a fresh start keeps your clothes from being tossed out of the house, he may need to reconsider his attachment to his current home and instead focus on the future with you. 

DEAR NATALIE: My brother is getting married soon and they are including my siblings (three other brothers) in the wedding party but not me. Being the oldest brother, I thought for sure I would be the best man, but instead I’m not even in the party at all. This is incredibly hurtful. My wife thinks it is because I have been hypercritical of how my brother and his fiancée have been handling COVID. They have been very cavalier with everything — not wearing masks to visit our mother, not taking proper precautions with crowds — they never stopped eating indoors at restaurants, either. As someone in the medical profession, I have a hard time watching their irresponsible decision-making without saying anything to them. We got into a big argument during the holiday season, but I thought things had cooled down. Apparently, I was wrong. I’m incredibly hurt and want to address this, but my wife says this will only make it worse. What do you think? — FAMILY PROBLEMS

DEAR FAMILY PROBLEMS: While I can understand your wife wanting to keep the peace, I also know how resentments can build over time when you don’t share how you feel. If you need to share with your brother exactly how his behavior has impacted you, then do that. Don’t be confrontational about it, however. It sounds as though he has been acting oppositional all year long, so you may want to take a different approach. Say something like: “I’ve noticed I’m the only brother not in the wedding party. I have to be honest, that really is bothering me. I don’t want you and I to have this level of tension. What can we do to work through this?” At the end of the day, it really isn’t about the wedding. It’s about the emotional distance you feel from your brother and your family. It’s about feeling hurt and publicly excluded. If COVID has shown us anything, it’s that what matters most are our relationships— with ourselves and each other. Don’t let this fester. Talk to your brother and try to find some common ground so that no one has any regrets. 

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DEAR NATALIE: My husband and I are fighting over the vaccine. We both want to get it, but neither of us qualify yet in the state that we live in. But my friend was able to get us on a list that let us know if there were extra vaccines being thrown out. It is much better to use them than to lose them, she said! I agreed wholeheartedly and signed us up for the waitlist. Well, the next day, she said she had extra. I told her we would both be there at the end of the day, and my husband refused to go. He said that we needed to “wait our turn” and that we were taking them away from people who needed the vaccine more. I told him that we all need the vaccine and they were just going to be thrown away. Well, we got into a fight about it and I left to get the vaccine alone. When I got there, she was mad at me because he canceled last minute. She could have called another person on the list had I told her. But I explained that I didn’t know he was going to react that way at the last minute. She just mumbled that it was “fine” when we both knew it wasn’t. So now she is annoyed with me, my husband is annoyed with me and I’m annoyed with my husband. How do I get him to see that waiting it out isn’t the best approach if there is a vaccine available?

—VAX ME

DEAR VAX ME: Because this is all uncharted territory, the etiquette surrounding the COVID-19 vaccine is fuzzy at best. I agree with your friend. It is much better that the vaccines get used instead of tossed. So, if you are on a list that can help reduce waste, I’m all for that. Your husband, on the other hand, has  his own philosophy. While I don’t agree with him, I understand where he is coming from. But where this fell apart was the miscommunication around the situation. You never wrote in your letter whether you actually told him you had put his name on the list. Maybe you assumed he would be OK with it, but clearly he wasn’t. If anything, this is a lesson for next time. Instead of answering for both of you, make sure you talk to him about where he stands on an issue before committing him to something he may or may not be willing to participate in. What’s done is done, however. You already apologized to your friend, so I would just move on. Hopefully she doesn’t hold a grudge. In the meantime, sit down and have a conversation with your husband about what happened. Acknowledge that you may have misunderstood his position. I would also reiterate that while you won’t make decisions for him moving forward, you hope that he will reconsider having his name on the list if he can get a vaccine sooner. The sooner we are all vaccinated, the sooner we can enjoy our lives a little more again. It’s a win-win for everyone, but ultimately it is his choice. 

DEAR NATALIE: I am a female senior citizen and my 90+ year old husband and I had a horrible experience in the vegetable aisle as we were shopping in a grocery story recently. A young man, who looked to be in his 30s, started to yell at me accusing me of "cutting him off" in the aisle.  According to my husband -- who was walking behind me as I was walking straight down the aisle -- the man approached on my right and probably expected me to allow him to walk ahead of me.  With my mask and the hood of my coat somewhat blocking my peripheral vision, I honestly didn't even see him. I immediately apologized, but he continued to yell, still accusing me of cutting him off.  It didn't make sense for me to engage an enraged, much larger physically fit man over such a small issue so I apologized again. But I continued to hear his rant to other customers. My husband was frightened and asked "What was that all about?" We quickly left the vegetable aisle without tomatoes. Out of curiosity, I would like to know if I had the right of way? If I were a car traveling straight on a road and a car was driving perpendicular towards me on my right, wouldn't I have the right of way? I hope to never be in this position again but I would like to know proper protocol as it appears as if chivalry is dead.—NO TOMATOES DEAR NO TOMATOES: I’m so sorry this guy was such a jerk to you and your husband at the grocery store. I can’t imagine having that kind of a reaction. Even if you had bumped into him, he didn’t need to respond to you with such anger. The fact that he was so hostile over having to wait in an aisle for an elderly couple to gather tomatoes says a lot more about him than it does about you. I fear that this past year has made us even more isolated, angry and on edge than ever before. I fear that people’s frustrations are running over in uncontrollable ways and they are taking it out on people that they know can’t stand up to them. You did nothing wrong and you shouldn’t have been verbally attacked in the store. I wish for all of us that we give one another a little more space and grace as we continue to navigate these waters of life during and after this pandemic. We are all in this together and I wish we would start acting like it. A little kindness and patience goes a long way.

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DEAR NATALIE: A few years ago, I hosted a birthday party for my husband at a nice restaurant and invited his four kids, their spouses, and their 9 grown grandchildren; all of whom are heavy drinkers and live out of town. When I was presented with the bill, I was surprised at how expensive it was and got up to question the waiter. As I did, my son-in-law approached me and asked, "How do you like the cost of the wine?" When I searched this charge on the bill, I saw that one bottle of wine cost $400. I'm sure that my face represented my shock and I said to him, "You knew I was paying and you never even offered me a glass of wine." My husband was finally offended last year when we took them to dinner and my 26-year-old step-grandson ordered four bourbons. When he mentioned it to his daughter, she brushed him off and said that he was under a lot of pressure to find a job. For me, the pandemic has been a welcome pause from these types of uncomfortable family visits. His daughter is now trying to set up a visit with us soon. As senior citizens, we have been vaccinated, but our daughter and some at-risk family members on my side have not been vaccinated yet. My husband has told them about our concern, but I am afraid that they will just show up on our doorstep. His kids have done this in the past, calling them “ambush visits.” Is there a way for my husband and I to politely decline to see them if they come to town?  Also, what is the proper way to prevent their exorbitant alcohol charges on the bills when I am paying?

—EMOTIONALLY SPENT

DEAR EMOTIONALLY SPENT: These people sound like vampires, sucking the life out of you both emotionally and financially. I cannot even fathom justifying a $400 bottle of wine, let alone expecting someone else to pay for it. To add insult to injury, the fact that you weren’t even offered a glass is beyond rude. It’s downright hostile. The “ambush visits” that you are concerned about concern me, as well. His family clearly has no sense of boundaries or manners, and I can understand why you would be worried for your physical as well as mental health around them. This comes down to standing your ground, creating boundaries and sticking to them. If you do not feel comfortable with his family visiting  -- and who could blame you considering we are still in a global pandemic -- then you need to assert yourself. Let his kids know that you will not be able to host them for the foreseeable future. If they wish to engage with you or your husband, Zoom will have to suffice for now as you are still wary about visits even after everyone is vaccinated. As far as the dinner bill is concerned, the next time that you have them for dinner, either take them to a restaurant where there aren’t expensive bottles on the menu or order takeout and eat at one of your family member’s homes. Another solution is to go to a restaurant that is BYOB so that they have to bring their own wine if they want to have it with dinner. It creeped me out that your son-in-law said what he said to you about the bottle of wine. It felt incredibly passive aggressive, like he wanted to punish both you and your husband. Unfortunately, we can’t choose our family, but we can limit the type and frequency of engagement. Luckily they live out of town, but if they are causing this much anxiety around even the possibility of a visit, it is time to lay down some boundaries and stick to them. 

DEAR NATALIE: My girlfriend and I moved in together due to COVID-19 and things seemed fine for a while. However, lately, she tells me that she wants to see other people. She still wants to live with me and date me -- I have been paying our rent -- but now she wants to date other guys, too. I don’t really want to have this arrangement, and I wonder if she isn’t already seeing someone else. What do I do? —GIRLFRIEND ISSUES

DEAR GIRLFRIEND ISSUES: Your instincts are most likely right on this one. She could definitely be seeing someone already and I would ask her about that directly. If you were interested in an open relationship, that would be one thing. But clearly, you aren’t. It sounds like she wants to continue having you pay her rent while she does whatever she feels like with whomever she wants. You have to make a decision here. Do you accept the terms laid out for you or do you move forward without her? Regardless of your decision, make sure that it factors your feelings into it, too, and not just hers.

Please send your questions to Natalie Bencivenga to

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