DEAR NATALIE: I just got married and my husband and I have radically different spending habits. I am a saver. I always have been. I grew up with very little and watched how my mom was able to pinch pennies to get us through. As an adult with a successful career, I can’t help but have that mindset when it comes to money. My husband grew up financially stable and has a freer attitude with spending. His whole attitude is: “You can’t take it with you.” While I can respect that, it just isn’t the way I live. So, we are at an impasse. The pandemic was hard on us but we both were able to keep our jobs and had to make a few sacrifices along the way. We live together in an apartment and are looking to buy a house. I found one that I really like, but he wants to buy a bigger home. Yes, we can technically afford it, but I would like to live below our means until the remnants of this pandemic are behind us. We have been fighting about it. Our lease is up at the end of the summer, so we really need to make a decision. How do I get him to understand my perspective? I don’t want to be house poor. —LIVE SMALL AND SAVE LARGE

DEAR LIVE SMALL AND SAVE LARGE: While I admire your husband’s appreciation to live life on the financial edge, I can’t help but agree with you on this one. However, there is a compromise here. No one is saying this has to be your forever home. Why not live below your means for now by finding an affordable place that is a good investment to fix up over the next few years. Then, resell and use that cushion to buy the dream house. This gives you time to save your money, invest in a solid property and when you are ready, move on to bigger and better things. The difference here is instant gratification versus long term gain. It sounds as though he is all about satisfying the here and now, while you are looking at the bigger picture and willing to make sacrifices in the short term so that you can reap more benefits in the future. I’m not a financial planner, but it makes sense to me to have more money in the bank during difficult times like now while building towards a future goal. Why not ask him to visit a financial advisor together? Perhaps once he sees that he can have what he wants if he is willing to wait to build up the funds over time, he may be more receptive to seeing the benefits of living below your means. It could mean more vacations in his future, too, if you aren’t throwing all of your money at the mortgage! 

DEAR NATALIE: I am engaged and my partner and I don’t have a lot of money for a wedding. My parents have offered to give us twenty thousand dollars towards the event. I think it seems silly in this economy to spend that on a party. I think we should just buy a house, use it for a down payment and put the rest away. My partner thinks we should have the wedding we want and worry about a house down the road. We both have student loans, too, which is complicating things. Do you think it is irresponsible to spend this money on a party? I just worry that in this economy, it is like throwing money away to have a wedding. How do I convince my partner to think about our future?

—FUTURE PLANS

DEAR FUTURE PLANS: I certainly can’t tell you what to do with that large nest egg your parents are willing to give to you, but if I had my way, I would buy a house. I would buy a house that is a good investment and get married at the courthouse and use a little of that money to throw an intimate dinner party at a nice restaurant afterwards. Then, in a few years, have a bigger anniversary party once you have paid down some of your loans. Why put yourselves in financial stress right out of the gate if you don’t have to? It sounds like your partner is looking to have a lavish celebration, but in the long term, starting your marriage off on the right financial foot will create less stress -- and less cause for arguments -- in the long run. Talk to them about what the future means to you and how investing in your future together will reap bigger dividends down the road.

Please send your questions to Natalie Bencivenga to

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DEAR NATALIE: Is it wrong to meet up with a friend of the opposite sex for a drink ... and not tell my husband? My old friend from college is coming into town and we want to get together for a drink. I (think) he used to have a crush on me back in the day — and I always thought he was cute — but I am happily married. I would like to see him, but I don’t want to create any waves at home. I was thinking of just going and not mentioning it to my husband. My girlfriend told me this is a bad idea. I don’t know what to do. What do you think? —JUST A DRINK

DEAR JUST A DRINK: I guess the question you have to ask yourself is that if there is nothing between you, then what is the big deal in telling your husband that you are meeting for a casual get together? Maybe switch it to coffee — not a drink — while you’re at it. If you really just want to catch up and reminisce together, I would take it out of the shadows and into the light of day. If you really think your husband would be upset with you, then ask yourself why? Is he a jealous person?  Is this a deeper issue than just meeting a friend? Does he get like this with everyone? Or is this more about the fact that you don’t want to deal with any underlying feelings about your friend from college? Whatever is going on, you need to be honest with yourself. If this has nothing to do with your husband and has more to do with your own emotions, then look at that more closely. It’s OK to fantasize about old relationships or friendships from the past, but you just don’t want to get stuck there. Sometimes, it’s better to see these things for what they are and not through rose-colored glasses. After being cooped up with our spouses, the idea of seeing other people can be exciting post-Covid, but just make sure you aren’t putting expectations on this encounter. Keep it friendly and keep it sober. 

DEAR NATALIE: I recently lost my father to Covid. While he and my mother had a challenging relationship at times, they were married for thirty-four years. Well, my mom has already started dating. When I told her that I thought it was kind of ridiculous that she would jump back into the dating pool so soon, she got angry with me and said that I should mind my own business. That was almost three weeks ago and we haven’t spoken since. Where do we go from here? —STRAINED LOYALTY

DEAR STRAINED LOYALTY: Grief is a very personal journey. I have read that when people who were in happy relationships lose their partner, they can be quick to move onto another to recreate that experience. Perhaps your mom is feeling this way. Perhaps she doesn’t like to be alone. Maybe dealing in silence with her grief is too much and she needs a distraction. Maybe she wasn’t as happy as you perceived her to be and she feels as though she has a new lease on life. Coupling all of that with the fact that Covid took so many lives this past year in the United States alone, it is no wonder that people are acting out. Our collective grief for so many things we have lost along with her personal grief may be making her feel out of sorts. Instead of judging her, why not ask her what she needs. In fact, what do you need? Your anger could be  misdirected at your mom when in fact you may be really angry over the death of your father. Anger is completely normal and reasonable to feel when grieving. You may want to consult with a therapist to help work through some of these difficult and layered emotions. In the meantime, call your mom. Tell her how you feel. Let her know that you love her and that you miss your dad. It is OK to feel two things at once. You can want your mom to be happy and also be sad that she is moving forward. It doesn’t mean she has forgotten your dad or loves him any less. She just may need different things than you need during this process. You can hold both in sacredness.

Please send your questions to Natalie Bencivenga to

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DEAR NATALIE: I have been having an affair for about three years with a married man from my office and I am sick of the mind games he has been playing with me. He always talks to me about leaving his wife but he has yet to separate. I am tired of being “the other woman” and just want to be able to be together without all of the drama. I have threatened to tell his wife if he doesn’t do something. I am giving him two more weeks to let her know and then I am going to let her know what is going on. He is panicking. I don’t think he realizes that I am serious. What do you think I should do? I am sick of this and want to move forward with our life together. He promised me he would leave her. Any insight as to how I can get him to do something? —TIRED OF THE SECRETS

DEAR TIRED OF THE SECRETS: Isn’t this a tale as old as time? How many men really leave their wives — seriously? I want you to reevaluate why you are wasting your time dating a married man. Even if he left his wife, someone that is capable of being this duplicitous is going to behave like that with everyone in his life — yes, including you. Why would you want to build a life with someone who has so little regard for the people around him? Don’t make this worse than it needs to be. Just walk away. If he wants to live a life of lies, then let him find someone else to do that with. You won’t win in this scenario. If you did reach out to his wife, it would most likely make her turn on you. Who knows? He may then decide he wants to stay in his marriage, or they may divorce. Then he may be resentful that you blew up this perfect little world of having his cake and eating it, too. Find your own path. In fact, I would consider therapy to dig deep into understanding why you would put yourself in this kind of situation. What kind of partner do you want and what kind of partner do you want to be? What kind of person do you want to be independent of a partner? You have some work to do. And he sounds like a lost cause. Let him go and move on. You cannot build a house on sand. 

DEAR NATALIE: My best friend is being so shady and I think she is cheating on her partner but I am not sure. She doesn’t talk about her relationship very much, but her wife is a really decent person that everyone gets along with. My friend has been taking all of these “solo trips” recently. She said it’s because Covid had her going crazy in the house and she needed time alone, but I talked with our mutual friend and they think she is cheating with random people that she is meeting online. I love her so much and just want her to be happy, and I’m really annoyed that she hasn’t clued me in with what is going on. Should I confront her about this? Not sure what to do? Any advice would be helpful. —SHADY LADY

DEAR SHADY LADY: Regardless of what your bestie is doing, I have one question to ask: Why are you so concerned? This sounds like an issue between herself and her wife. The worst thing you can do is meddle and get caught in the middle. Your best friend will be angry that you are inquiring into something that she clearly wants to keep private, and you could end up ruining your friendship. It sounds as though you are annoyed that she hasn’t clued you in because there is this level of entitlement into her private life that you feel as though you are owed. I hate to break it to you, but people have secrets. Sometimes a lot of them. Now whether or not this disappoints you is one thing, but you can’t force her to explain herself or force her into sharing something that she isn’t interested or willing to divulge. The other thing to take into consideration is the fact that this is all hearsay. You have no idea if any of this is actually true or if it is just gossip. Instead, just try to be there for your friend. When and if she is ready to share, keep an open heart and mind until you find out exactly what is going on.

Please send your questions to Natalie Bencivenga to

asknatalieadvice@gmail.com. Follow her on Twitter

@NatalieBenci and on Instagram @NatalieBenci