DEAR NATALIE: My mom became ill recently and my brother and I stepped in to help manage her finances, take care of her pets and look after things while she was in the hospital and recovering. My older sister, however, didn’t ask to help us at all with anything. Granted, she just had her first baby, but we all pitched in in different ways. She didn’t even seem that concerned about our mom. It really bothered me. It’s been a few months of this and I want to plan a family getaway with my husband and our two children. I need someone to step in while I’m away so that my brother can have a little break. I reached out to my sister about taking over for me while I am out of town and she told me that with mom being sick, it’s not a good time for me to travel. She didn't understand why I needed a break. She made no effort to say that she would help, either. I’m usually a laid back person, but I am disgusted with her. My brother said he just wants to keep the peace and he’ll handle things while I’m away, but I want her to know how selfish I think she is being. Do you think it is wrong of me for wanting to confront her? -ANGRY SISTER

DEAR ANGRY SISTER: I would be angry with her, too. You have every right to take a break from an incredibly draining situation, both emotionally and physically. You are allowed to vacation with your family. You are allowed to share the responsibility. Your sister may be really overwhelmed with her new responsibilities and just not sure how to express that in a constructive way to you. You may want to try reaching out and just ask to talk. Explain to her that you have been there and know what it is like as a new mom. Ask if she needs any support. After doing so, you may want to remind her that her own mom needs support right now, as well, and sharing the workload is making it more bearable for everyone. Even if she can’t physically support your mom, can she help organize food delivery, for example. Can she handle some of the logistical things that need sorted, or at the very least, can she reach out to your mom directly? I don’t know what her dynamic is with your mom, but not every child has the same experience with their parents. Try compassion first and see where that leads before you let loose on her. 

DEAR NATALIE: My stepdaughter is causing a lot of problems in my home. She is 15 and has some behavioral problems. I have two small daughters, ages four and six, that really love being with her. I noticed recently that she was being aggressive with them and speaking harshly to them, especially the six-year-old. I confronted her gently about it, telling her that we don’t talk that way to each other in our home. She flipped out at me. She lives mostly with her mother and things aren’t stable over there. My husband doesn’t even want her in our house after how she’s been acting with our daughters, but I am worried that if we tell her she can’t come over it will make things worse for her. I want to be a support system to her, but it’s very difficult. Any advice? —STEPMOM IN THE MIDDLE

DEAR STEPMOM IN THE MIDDLE: It can be really hard to navigate this space as a stepmother. I find it concerning that she was being aggressive with your daughters and wonder if that is a sign that something else is going on with her. You said that her home life isn’t stable, and there could be issues brewing at home that are causing her to lash out. However, it is never OK for her to treat your daughters poorly and putting them in harm’s way won’t do anyone any good. I can understand your husband’s perspective of wanting to cut her out if she can’t behave safely with your children. You could compromise in the sense that only when you or your husband are supervising her, then she can spend time with her sisters. If you daughters feel unsafe around her, they shouldn’t be forced to play with her, either. A 15-year-old is old enough to know when she is antagonizing little ones, too. If she is doing that, then someone needs to address it with both her and her mother.  Sit her down and explain to your stepdaughter that there are rules and boundaries in this home and that she needs to respect them as a part of the family. If she can’t, then she can’t engage with her sisters right now out of respect for their personal well being. Remind her that you love her and if there is anything that is hurting her or that she needs to talk about, you are here for her. It is easy to write kids off as “difficult” but oftentimes they are struggling to regulate their own emotions around complicated issues that they themselves don’t fully understand. Perhaps by giving her a little space to share, she may in time confide in you.

Please send your questions to Natalie Bencivenga to

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DEAR NATALIE: Money changed my friend. She married someone extremely wealthy and now they live this very extravagant lifestyle. The problem is, she doesn’t see how it is changing her. It’s actually making her kind of mean. She isn’t friendly in general, anymore, and I notice how she treats people in the service industry when we are out together. It’s almost embarrassing to be with her. I miss my old friend who was kind and humble and able to laugh at herself. I don’t really know how to act around my “new rich friend” and it is making me less interested in her -- which breaks my heart. How do I stay connected to someone who is rapidly changing into a different person? I feel like our lives are going in different directions and I just wish I had my friend back. -MONEY CHANGES EVERYTHING

DEAR MONEY CHANGES EVERYTHING: Some people say that having more money makes us more of who we are. And maybe that’s true. And maybe it’s also true that when we see another side of someone we care about — especially if it is less-than-flattering — it can be hard to unsee it. We then have to figure out how to accept where they are in our lives and where we fit into theirs. It sounds as though you and your friend are at an impasse, but she doesn’t know it. Can you be friends with someone who is unkind to the people around her? Are you mourning, instead, the death of a friendship because you see the writing on the wall? Take some space for yourself to figure out what you want to do with this relationship. If you feel it is worth saving, you may need to have a heart-to-heart with her and see if she fully understands how she is acting towards others. She honestly may not realize it and welcome the (gentle!) observation. But, if she isn’t open to hearing this, you may need to rethink your relationship or be ready to take a step back emotionally. It can be really hard to walk away from people that we love, but not every relationship lasts a lifetime. Sometimes, we must also accept the seasons of our lives and the people that come and go, as well. It doesn’t make what you had any less valuable or important. 

DEAR NATALIE: My husband and I have different philosophies on aging. He says I should just embrace it and just age gracefully. But why should I age if I don’t have to? Botox and fillers are so mainstream now and my friends are all doing it. I think they look great. We actually got into a fight about this the other night. He said it will ruin my face. I don’t understand this. Don’t men want their wives to look younger? What’s wrong with wanting to feel and look sexy? And isn’t it “my body, my choice?” —AGING? NO THANKS

DEAR AGING? NO THANKS: While I appreciate both sides of this disagreement, obviously it is your choice what you do with your body. However, take what your husband says into consideration on this one. If you found a partner who loves you just as you are and is attracted to you as you are, that is a wonderful thing. I would just ask yourself why you are wanting to use these products. If it is truly because you want to feel your best and you feel this will help you in that journey, then go for it. But if there is a part of you that worries about aging because of how you are perceived by others, maybe take a moment to reflect on that. There are so many competing messages out there about women and the policing of women’s bodies. I am not about to tell you one way or another what you should do. Only you can make that call. I would just say to you that if part of this is out of fear about your husband finding you attractive, take his words into account. See how it feels to lean into your body and face as they are. See how it feels to be in your own skin. And, if you find that it isn’t about him at the end of the day and it really is about you, then do what makes you feel your best. The good thing is, those fillers and Botox wear off. So, if you try it and realize it isn’t for you, at least you didn’t make any permanent decisions.

Please send your questions to Natalie Bencivenga to

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DEAR NATALIE: I started dating this guy recently and he likes to send me DMs on Instagram throughout the day with funny memes to look at. Well, the last two have not been funny. He found these videos of animals being brutalized and sent them to me. I thought (at first) that he was going to comment on how atrocious it was. But I was wrong. He thought it was funny. He was making fun of the situations and the animals. I’m a vegetarian and a huge animal lover so I was horrified by what he sent. I tried to talk about this with him but he told me I was being too sensitive and said “who cares about them, anyway.” I haven’t spoken to him in two days and he’s been blowing up my phone wondering why I won’t respond. I liked this guy a lot and now I’m questioning my judgment. Should I discuss with him again how I feel? Why does dating in your 30s have to be so terrible? Send help. -ANIMAL LOVER

DEAR ANIMAL LOVER: Cut ties with this guy immediately, take a long, hot shower and try to forget this ever happened. Whenever anyone laughs or mocks any creature in pain, that is a major red flag. This guy could have underlying anger issues and be a violent person. I know dating can be rough, but at least you figured this one out sooner than later. It’s a blessing in disguise that he showed his true colors so quickly. Dust yourself off and move on. There are plenty of fish in the sea -- and plenty who don’t find pleasure in another’s pain. 

DEAR NATALIE: My best friend just came out to me as trans. This wasn’t a huge surprise to me, and I am in total support of them. My girlfriend, however, is more conservative than I am. She thinks that my friend, who goes by Sharon now, is just going through a phase. I tried to explain to her that Sharon has been struggling with their identity for a long time and I was proud of them for their bravery. She just doesn’t seem to understand and is treating Sharon unkindly. It’s also turning me off that my girlfriend is acting like this, and so we are having issues. How do I resolve this situation? If this was our child -- and I wanted to have children with her -- would she still be reacting this way? I’m not sure what to do or say to help her understand. Any advice? -GIRLFRIEND IS TRANSPHOBIC

DEAR GIRLFRIEND IS TRANSPHOBIC: People can be afraid of what they don’t understand. Oftentimes, we mask our fear with outrage, anger and willful ignorance. We deflect and decide that we don’t want to know or understand because it’s uncomfortable. It’s not Sharon’s job to educate your girlfriend. It isn’t your job, either. Just because someone’s experience is different from our own doesn’t make it any less valuable, legitimate or real. I applaud you for standing by Sharon through this time in their life where they need support and the love of friends. Sharon has every right to live in a way that is most authentic to them, and I feel sorry that your girlfriend’s mind is so narrow that she won’t acknowledge what strength it took for them to embrace who they really are. I can understand why you are turned off, too. It’s hard when we pull back the curtain and see a side of someone that we didn’t realize was there. But the good news is that people can evolve. They can educate themselves, they can listen to those outside of their own experience, and they can create a space for tolerance in their own hearts. But it is a choice they have to make. And you have to make your choice, too. Is this the kind of person you want to build a life with? Maybe if you share your concerns with her, it will push her along her own journey. Or maybe it won’t. Either way, you have to decide what the future looks like for you and any potential children you bring into the world.

Please send your questions to Natalie Bencivenga to

asknatalieadvice@gmail.com. Follow her on Twitter

@NatalieBenci and on Instagram @NatalieBenci