DEAR NATALIE: I’m afraid I’m becoming bitter towards relationships. I’ve been single for a while now and having a much harder time dating in my early 40s than I did in my 20s or 30s. I was married and divorced before I was 30 and have been dating ever since. But dating is rough. It feels like there is more pressure and more at stake now that I’m older. I don’t want to live alone, but I also have a hard time letting people in. After a string of bad breakups, I find myself feeling angry about my lack of a love life. My divorced really was horrible. My friends keep trying to set me up but I’m burned out. Any advice on how to get out of this mental rut around dating? -BITTER BETTY

DEAR BITTER BETTY: Maybe just take a step back and a deep breath. It sounds as though you are putting a lot of pressure on yourself and I can’t honestly tell if this is even what you want from the letter you wrote. Perhaps part of the reason you are irritated with relationships is because you are irritated by the unneeded stress and the energy it is sucking out of you. Instead, why not date yourself for a while. Get comfortable with being alone and find out what it is you really want from your life. Can you commit to six months of just enjoying your own company? I’m not saying to turn away from romance should it find you, but sometimes letting go of expectations and redirecting your energy is what needs to happen for things to shift. Make space for some joy in your life. You also may not have given yourself time to heal after your divorce and then having some bad breakups afterwards solidified your negative feelings about relationships. Reset. See what happens when you enjoy solitude, time with your friends and family, instead. You may be surprised how differently you feel this time next year. 

DEAR NATALIE: I was dating someone for about two months and decided to break things off with her. I am really uncomfortable with confrontation, so I sent her a text. She was so angry about this and left me a voicemail calling me a coward. She has proceeded to tell all of our friends (we have a lot of friends in common) what I did. A lot of them are annoyed with me now. Should I call her and apologize? I don't want to get back together but now I’m worried that she’s turning everyone against me. —BAD BREAKER UPPER

DEAR BAD BREAKER UPPER: After two months of being together, I definitely think she deserved more than a text message. I can understand her frustration and why she would be angry with you. Considering you roll in the same circles, it seems like you should have been prepared for the backlash from your friends. To smooth things over, ask to meet her in person and tell her that you are sorry for breaking up with her that way. Explain to her what you just said to me: You are uncomfortable with breakups and felt very awkward. While this doesn’t make up for how you treated her, maybe understanding why you acted the way that you did will remove any anxiety she had about her role in this. Moving forward, view this as a life lesson. Treat others how you want to be treated, even during a breakup. Give people respect and perhaps everyone won’t turn against you next time.

Please send your questions to Natalie Bencivenga to

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DEAR NATALIE: My best friend has been in a bad relationship for years now and no one understands why she stays in it. He treats her poorly, is rude to her in front of her friends and can be very controlling. She shies away from spending time with us since she is with him because I think she is embarrassed. I don’t know what I can do to help her. She seems so down ever since she started dating him. She has so much going for her, no one is really sure why she is putting herself in this situation. Any ideas as to why good people stay in bad relationships? -SNAP OUT OF IT

DEAR SNAP OUT OF IT: I wish I had a solid answer for you, but there are a lot of reasons people stay in less-than-healthy relationships. She could be working through something that impacted her in her past. She may have insecurities about relationships and herself. Perhaps she’s modeling her parents’ relationship or those close to her. Maybe there is a sense of security in being with him -- even if he is mean to her — because she is afraid of being alone more. She may think she “can’t” make it on her own. People sometimes find comfort in dysfunction and chaos if that is what they are used to. This can be a challenging cycle to break. Maybe she thinks she can “fix” him and wants to be the savior in the relationship. Whatever the reason is, just try to keep the door open to her. Invite her for coffee, just the two of you. Go take a walk together. Do something that is low-key and won’t put pressure on her. She may feel relaxed and open up. If she does bring up the fact that she is unhappy or unsure of the relationship, use that to get your foot in the door and discuss her fears and dreams for the future. Who knows? She may start to see the situation for what it is. If not, don’t take it to heart. Relationships are complicated and you can’t possibly know what is going on inside her head. Just being there for her as a friend — not a mother or a therapist — is the best thing that you can do. 

DEAR NATALIE: My best friend and I both (coincidentally!) got engaged about two weeks apart and she hasn't once congratulated me on my ring. In fact, one of our friends said she was making fun of my "small" ring and how hers was so much better. I was so upset, I cried over this. She and I have been friends for 15 years and she knows how this was such an important moment for me. I sent her flowers when she became engaged. I don't know if I should confront her about this or if I should wait for her to reach out to me. I have no idea what is making her act like this, but it is devastating to me. How can I ask her to be my maid of honor with her treating me so badly? Any advice on how to deal? —BADLY HURT BFF

DEAR BADLY HURT BFF: I am so sorry that this person who you considered your best friend is treating you like this. She should be showering you with love and sharing in your joy! It’s hard to imagine that this woman is your best friend and acts this way. She may be harboring some resentment towards you and you just need to clear the air. Sometimes people bottle their feelings and don’t actually share what’s on their mind or heart.  I would call her. Tell her what you heard. Ask her if it’s true. Give her a chance to explain herself. What she said behind your back isn’t just hurtful, but it is petty and rude, too. Maybe this person isn’t who you thought she was. Maybe she’s covering up some of her own insecurities by projecting her garbage onto you. But you have every right to tell her how you feel and ask for an apology if she needs to give one. If not, how can you move forward and enjoy these special times together? It isn’t fair to you or your friendship. Hear her out, but also remember this. Now that you’ve seen it, you can’t unsee it. So perhaps protect yourself a bit and put a little emotional distance between you. It may be safer and healthier that way.

Please send your questions to Natalie Bencivenga to

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DEAR NATALIE: My mom became ill recently and my brother and I stepped in to help manage her finances, take care of her pets and look after things while she was in the hospital and recovering. My older sister, however, didn’t ask to help us at all with anything. Granted, she just had her first baby, but we all pitched in in different ways. She didn’t even seem that concerned about our mom. It really bothered me. It’s been a few months of this and I want to plan a family getaway with my husband and our two children. I need someone to step in while I’m away so that my brother can have a little break. I reached out to my sister about taking over for me while I am out of town and she told me that with mom being sick, it’s not a good time for me to travel. She didn't understand why I needed a break. She made no effort to say that she would help, either. I’m usually a laid back person, but I am disgusted with her. My brother said he just wants to keep the peace and he’ll handle things while I’m away, but I want her to know how selfish I think she is being. Do you think it is wrong of me for wanting to confront her? -ANGRY SISTER

DEAR ANGRY SISTER: I would be angry with her, too. You have every right to take a break from an incredibly draining situation, both emotionally and physically. You are allowed to vacation with your family. You are allowed to share the responsibility. Your sister may be really overwhelmed with her new responsibilities and just not sure how to express that in a constructive way to you. You may want to try reaching out and just ask to talk. Explain to her that you have been there and know what it is like as a new mom. Ask if she needs any support. After doing so, you may want to remind her that her own mom needs support right now, as well, and sharing the workload is making it more bearable for everyone. Even if she can’t physically support your mom, can she help organize food delivery, for example. Can she handle some of the logistical things that need sorted, or at the very least, can she reach out to your mom directly? I don’t know what her dynamic is with your mom, but not every child has the same experience with their parents. Try compassion first and see where that leads before you let loose on her. 

DEAR NATALIE: My stepdaughter is causing a lot of problems in my home. She is 15 and has some behavioral problems. I have two small daughters, ages four and six, that really love being with her. I noticed recently that she was being aggressive with them and speaking harshly to them, especially the six-year-old. I confronted her gently about it, telling her that we don’t talk that way to each other in our home. She flipped out at me. She lives mostly with her mother and things aren’t stable over there. My husband doesn’t even want her in our house after how she’s been acting with our daughters, but I am worried that if we tell her she can’t come over it will make things worse for her. I want to be a support system to her, but it’s very difficult. Any advice? —STEPMOM IN THE MIDDLE

DEAR STEPMOM IN THE MIDDLE: It can be really hard to navigate this space as a stepmother. I find it concerning that she was being aggressive with your daughters and wonder if that is a sign that something else is going on with her. You said that her home life isn’t stable, and there could be issues brewing at home that are causing her to lash out. However, it is never OK for her to treat your daughters poorly and putting them in harm’s way won’t do anyone any good. I can understand your husband’s perspective of wanting to cut her out if she can’t behave safely with your children. You could compromise in the sense that only when you or your husband are supervising her, then she can spend time with her sisters. If you daughters feel unsafe around her, they shouldn’t be forced to play with her, either. A 15-year-old is old enough to know when she is antagonizing little ones, too. If she is doing that, then someone needs to address it with both her and her mother.  Sit her down and explain to your stepdaughter that there are rules and boundaries in this home and that she needs to respect them as a part of the family. If she can’t, then she can’t engage with her sisters right now out of respect for their personal well being. Remind her that you love her and if there is anything that is hurting her or that she needs to talk about, you are here for her. It is easy to write kids off as “difficult” but oftentimes they are struggling to regulate their own emotions around complicated issues that they themselves don’t fully understand. Perhaps by giving her a little space to share, she may in time confide in you.

Please send your questions to Natalie Bencivenga to

asknatalieadvice@gmail.com. Follow her on Twitter

@NatalieBenci and on Instagram @NatalieBenci