DEAR SOMEONE ELSE’S MOM: I’m an adult child living at home with my parents. I am 27-years-old and live at home to help pay off student loans while saving to buy a home. I work two fulltime jobs in healthcare. I also pay rent to my parents and pay all my own bills. 

I am not the only one at home with my parents. My 24-year-old brother is also living at home. He dealt with some mental health issues a few years ago, got let go from his job, and hasn’t had a job since. He sits at home, smokes weed all day long, and watches the family dog. He refuses to see a therapist and when asked by my parents what his plans are for the future, he says, “This.”

My parents are getting older in years and they don’t know what else to do. They have considered kicking him out, but nothing has ever come to fruition. Both of my parents and myself hold jobs that require us to take drug tests. Because of my parents’ strong religious convictions and our jobs, the drug use is a constant strain on everyone’s relationship. I’ve had to leave the house multiple times in the middle of the night because the fighting becomes too much of an emotional strain or because of true fear for my personal safety.

I know my brother is an adult and counseling will only work if he wants it. We’re approaching 2.5 years of unemployment and I don’t know if our family can survive the tension of a second winter in quarantine.

What can I do to help my brother and my parents resolve this situation? --- Desperately Want a Happy Family Again

DEAR Desperately Want a Happy Family Again: As you’re clearly aware, getting your brother the help he needs is key to improving life for him and your family. There may be legal options for you to explore if necessary, such as an emergency petition, whereby your brother is basically forced into the hospital for evaluation if he becomes violent or threatens self-harm. Hopefully it doesn’t come to that, but don’t rule it out —for everyone’s protection.

Wishing your brother seeks help on his own isn’t enough. You and your parents would quite possibly benefit from professional help and guidance right now.

You mentioned your parents are religious. If they’re members of a faith-based community, it might be worth reaching out to their clergy to see if they can make referrals to local mental health services.

Being in the medical field, you may already have some reliable resources you could tap, if you’re comfortable reaching out to any of the practitioners where you work.

Another avenue to explore is your local or state’s department of behavioral or mental health services. Where I live, additional resources have been made available to the public, due in large part to the effects of the pandemic.

Finally, the National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI) can be an excellent source of information and support. They’ve helped several families I personally know, and have chapters throughout the United States.

You may not be able to convince your brother it’s time he makes big changes, but perhaps you and your parents can get some tools to improve your own situations.

DEAR SOMEONE ELSE’S MOM: Although my mother keeps telling me how blessed we are to have so far stayed safe from COVID, I do not feel particularly blessed. My hours at work are still cut, two of my supervisors tested positive, and one ended up in the hospital. I have had to borrow money from my parents to pay my car insurance and loan payment, and if things do not improve soon, I will be heading back to a basement apartment at my grandmother’s house, not to mention I can not afford to do any Christmas shopping, not even for my family.

With all this going on, I really do not feel like I want to do any holiday decorating, which my mom is getting on me about. She has even offered to come over and help me get my apartment “in the holiday spirit”.

I appreciate my mom’s positivity and all that, but how do I convince her I really am not in a festive mood? --- FEELING THE HUMBUG

DEAR FEELING THE HUMBUG: It isn’t easy for parents to see their kids struggling. Your mom may just be trying to boost your morale by encouraging you to find something like normalcy through holiday traditions.

Ultimately, it’s your place and your decision, and your mother needs to respect your wishes; but it might make you feel a little better to have some holiday cheer on display.

As to your worries about not being able to afford to do Christmas shopping, perhaps you could come up with gifts that don’t cost you anything but a little time, like offering to do something that might give loved ones a break, such as taking on chores or projects they have been wanting to tackle.

DEAR SOMEONE ELSE’S MOM: My husband and I run an on-line business that personalizes glassware. This is, as you can guess, our busiest time of the year.

We hire extra help from late September through early January. When we bring in the temporary staff, we make it very clear that when you work for us during the holiday season, you are expected to be available at least 40 hours a week, and that those hours can happen evenings and weekends.

This year we have two new kids who work hard when they’re here, but who make snide and snarky comments they think we can’t hear about us. They call us “Grinches” and “Scrooges” and a lot even less flattering names. They also make it clear they feel they’re doing us a favor by doing their jobs. We pay these kids well, better than they would earn working at Target or Walmart, yet they seem so ungrateful.

Do you think we should say something to them, or just let it go and not hire them ever again? --- NOT A SCROOGE

DEAR NOT A SCROOGE: There’s nothing new to the perception that adults over a certain age are hopelessly out of it. Add to that a generation that’s grown up in the age of on-line anonymity and social media-ruled lives, and it’s a small wonder that there are many kids (and adults) who demonstrate a serious lack of commonsense social filters.

What I would do in your situation is to let them know you aren’t so old that you can’t hear them. That may shame them into a little more discretion, but I wouldn’t guarantee it. The one lesson they may learn from — although I doubt they’d ever admit it — is to let them know that because of their attitude, they won’t be welcomed back to work for you and your husband in the future.

Those who can’t learn from their mistakes are bound to repeat them. Hopefully they’ll learn from theirs.