DEAR SOMEONE ELSE’S MOM: When my wife and I divorced almost seven years ago, my son and daughter were still in high school. It was a bad split, and it took a toll on both kids. We tried to keep the details of the divorce from them, but they found out from other people (mostly my ex-wife’s family) that the reason we split was because she was having affairs with two different men in her office. At the time, and for a long time afterwards, her own family was pissed at her. They thought she was a fool to throw away her family, and when the time came to make custody arrangements, that’s what she did. She practically volunteered to give me full custody, with one weekend a month as her time with her son and daughter.

Now that my kids are adults, my daughter has accepted her mother’s attempts to patch things up. My ex was in counseling for a long time, and still is, I think, and from some things my daughter has said, the reconciliation with her kids is part of her treatment.

My son continues to want to distance himself from his mom. He has had a couple bad fights with his sister over it, because his sister believes much of what their mother did was brought on by mental illness. Her brother believes it was all just because she was a selfish b

ch.

I’ve tried to stay out of it, but it makes me sad to think that my son cannot reconcile with his mother. It isn’t on my account. I’ve made peace with the whole situation and moved on with my life, as has my daughter.

What can I say to my son to help him also forgive, even if he can’t forget what his mother did? I see him becoming cynical about women in general sometimes, and that isn’t a good thing. --- DON’T WANT MY SON TO BE A HATER

DEAR DON’T WANT MY SON TO BE A HATER: Since he likely views you as a co-sufferer of your ex-wife’s past actions, it could be hard for your son to accept that you’ve honestly forgiven her. You can encourage him to at least be open to her overtures, but it’s probable his bitterness will get in the way of hearing what either you or your ex has to say, as demonstrated by his reaction to his sister’s choice to reconcile. It may happen over time, or it may be that he’ll never have a working relationship with his mom, regardless of anything you say or do.

It might be time to try to persuade him to seek professional counselling. I see a big red flag in how your son’s feelings about his mother are beginning to taint his view of women in general. My guess is he doesn’t see his behavior as an issue; but continuing on his current path is pointing him toward a future of failed relationships with women other than his mom.

DEAR SOMEONE ELSE’S MOM: After my father-in-law and mother-in-law separated, he moved into a two-bedroom condo with a small storage room off the balcony. It is actually a very spacious apartment for just one person. The trouble is, when he left the house he and his wife shared for nearly 35 years, he took all his stuff, including everything he had in his garage tool shop and a bunch of boxes from the attic with things his parents left him when they died.

All this stuff already fills the storage room and the second bedroom, takes up half his bedroom, and has spilled out into the kitchen/dining-living room area on the ground floor. When we bring our three-year-old son to visit his grandpa, who he truly loves, we don’t feel that it is a safe environment for our son, even though we all keep constant watch on him.

Both my husband and I have told my father-in-law that he should at least rent a storage unit to keep some of the things in, but he doesn’t seem to really hear what we are saying. The next step is to stop visiting him with our son, which I think would really hurt him. But don’t you agree our son’s safety is more important? --- WATCHING OUT FOR OUR SON

DEAR WATCHING OUT FOR OUR SON: Yes, I agree with you that your son’s safety is paramount, and certainly more important than sparing your father-in-law’s feelings. It might just be the wake-up call he needs to declutter his condo, not only for your son’s sake, but for his own as well. In my experience, clutter equals stress, and one thing we can all do without is additional, avoidable stress in our lives.

DEAR SOMEONE ELSE’S MOM: I work at a family-owned and operated company. This summer the boss’s daughter started working in my department. She had had an internship lined up in New York City, and that didn’t work out so well, so she was given an entry level job here in her parents’ company.

She is just a couple years younger than me, and we have been hitting it off at work. We have lunch together two or three times a week, and it turns out we have a lot in common. Her boyfriend even went to school with my boyfriend, and although they weren’t close, they know a lot of the same people.

I would like to be friends with her, but there are stories circulating that she goes to her parents with stories about the people who work for them. I have no first-hand knowledge of that happening, and I am suspicious that some people are just resentful and paranoid about having one of the owners’ kids around.

Personally, I get a good vibe from her, but do I risk hanging around with her more, in case something slips out about work, the kind of thing you would talk about to a coworker, but not the boss’s daughter? --- WORKING WITH THE BOSS’S DAUGHTER

DEAR WORKING WITH THE BOSS’S DAUGHTER: In any work situation, it’s a good policy to think first, speak second. You never want something that reflects ill on you getting back to the boss. This would most certainly be the case if there’s any truth to the rumors that what happens in the office is carried back to the owners via their daughter.

Another possible complication with making friends with a family member of the owners is that coworkers could see you as a protected pet, which might raise issues for you beyond having to always monitor what you say.

This feels like a case where it’s best to keep some distance on a personal front until you get to know her better in the context of work. It’s entirely possible she has no interest in tattling on coworkers, and in time, everything you have in common may well be a good foundation for a friendship.