Ask Someone Else's Mom

DEAR SOMEONE ELSE’S MOM: I married into a family with a construction business. It was by working there that I met my husband, who had come onboard to work with his dad and uncle a year or two earlier. By the time we got married, his sister was having her second child. She and her husband decided to have her stay home when number two came along, and they have had a third child since.

Before she became a fulltime at-home mom, she helped run the business, in much the same capacity as I do now. Even though she seems to have no intention of coming back into the front office anytime soon, she makes it clear that she resents my “taking over” her job, and drops hints that I’m just a suck-up who wants to make sure my husband takes over the business and the rest of the family will lose out, or something. Honestly, I’m not entirely sure what her problem is.

Whatever the case, she started to refuse to be at family gatherings if she knows I am going to be there. It feels to my in-laws like they have to choose between her and me, and that is unfair to them. I’ve also heard from one of the cousins, the son of the co-owner, that she says some nasty stuff about me.

I do not want to cause trouble, but I also do not think I should put up with this treatment. Is it advisable for me to confront her about how she is treating me? --- SNUBBED SISTER-IN-LAW

DEAR SNUBBED SISTER-IN-LAW: It sounds to me as if your sister-in-law’s bile is likely being fueled by insecurity and jealousy. If an outsider had been hired to replace her when she transitioned to being home fulltime, it may not have bothered her as much. Outsiders come and go, but it’s potentially more complicated when family members replace one another.

It’s probably fairly obvious to others what’s going on, and I’m doubtful that an open confrontation will be to either your or your sister-in-law’s advantage. In fact, it might only result in your appearing to be the petty or insecure one. By quietly, patiently standing your ground you can more effectively prove that’s not the case, and that she’s the one who needs to do a little growing up.

DEAR SOMEONE ELSE’S MOM: My boyfriend can be the hardest-working guy I know, but then he drives me crazy, because even though he used to work in construction and knows tons about how to build and fix things, our place is always falling apart.

We have been needing a new floor in the master bedroom since we moved into the house, there’s a big hole in the master bath where a medicine chest is supposed to be, and the shower in the second bathroom needs a new head ─ to name a few of the repairs that need to be made. He keeps telling me he’ll get to it, and he never does.

This is probably the guy I will marry, but I don’t want to have to nag him all my life. Should I just forget asking him and live with the house as it is? --- JUST WANT IT FIXED

DEAR JUST WANT IT FIXED: In my experience, nagging rarely accomplishes much beyond creating even more tension and resentment.

Perhaps you should tell your boyfriend you’re thinking of hiring professionals to come in and get a few wish list items knocked off. And then be prepared to follow through on one or two of the smaller, more affordable jobs.

A dinged pride and shelling out money may provide the motivation your ongoing requests don’t; and even if taking action on your own doesn’t inspire your boyfriend to get busy, at least you’ll be making progress toward getting your home more comfortable for yourself.

DEAR SOMEONE ELSE’S MOM: My granddaughter has been doing gymnastics since she was five years old. Since early middle school she has been focusing on power tumbling, and has gotten good enough to compete at both the state and regional levels.

I’m thrilled that she does so well and is so talented and dedicated, but honest to God, I cannot stand going to the competitions. I don’t mind that they go on for so long, but I am a basket case every time my granddaughter does one of her routines. Over the years I’ve seen some of these girls get seriously hurt. Thankfully so far all my granddaughter and her teammates have suffered are minor injuries, but I guess I am the superstitious kind. I believe if you push your luck long and hard enough, something bad will happen.

I have told my son and daughter-in-law I just can’t do it any longer. They were not happy about it, but kind of understand. However, they won’t tell my granddaughter why I don’t want to go to any more of her competitions. They think my fear could be transferred to her and then she will get hurt.

How do I tell my granddaughter how I feel without planting fear? --- CAN’T WATCH THE TUMBLES

DEAR CAN’T WATCH THE TUMBLES: I’m guessing your granddaughter and her teammates are well aware of the dangers of their demanding sport. I also can see where her parents’ concerns regarding your sharing of your fears are coming from, and wouldn’t be surprised if they feel much the same as you do. However, they have less of a choice in the matter of attending the competitions.

Perhaps you could let your granddaughter know you aren’t available on the day of the next competition, but that you’re going to ask her parents to video her routine so you don’t miss out on it entirely. Her reaction might give you a hint as to whether or not your being there in person makes much of a difference to her. She may count on you as a key part of her cheering section, or it’s possible you learn she’s more than okay with your making it up to her by watching it from the comfort of your own home or hers.

Once you get a reading on her reaction, you’ll have something to go on in making a decision about attending future competitions in-person or not.