Ask Someone Else's Mom

DEAR SOMEONE ELSE’S MOM: I love my husband immensely. He is a very, very intelligent man with many achievements in many areas of life. He is already an ordained Zen monk, and is now studying to be an Episcopal priest. He also has a brand-new job, and is going through a lot of strenuous training to learn it (at the age of 61). I have no question that he is a dedicated learner, a smart guy, and immensely mentally capable.

The thing is, we’ve been living in the same small cottage for 20 years, and over time it’s just gotten much too congested. Every time I try and have a conversation about what we can do to improve it, he gets belligerent and starts nay-saying all my ideas. When I try to explain my reasons, he says I’m “discounting his opinion”, and things like, “I don’t know why I let myself get pulled into these conversations.”

Part of me is feeling neglected, that he can spend countless hours reading literally thousands of books about religious studies, yet he can’t even spare half an hour to meaningfully discuss improving our home — where we LIVE — without it turning into an argument. I’m left with the feeling that I should just go ahead and do whatever I want (of course then the work is all on me) to improve the house, without discussing it with him, since he seems to feel so put-upon by my wanting to talk with him about it. Of course, that will be worked into later arguments, when he says, “You always just go ahead and do what you want anyway. Why ask me about it?” So you see, I’m damned if I do and damned if I don’t.

In the past, when I wanted to update the kitchen, he acted the same way. So I painted the kitchen, put down flooring, and made the curtains myself. I saved for ten years to buy a new refrigerator. Now, he says he likes the kitchen. But I did everything myself. If I had waited for him to help me plan and execute the plan, we would still have the nasty old kitchen.

We don’t have money for official counseling, and honestly we don’t have money to pay someone else to come in and fix our house. This is going to be a DIY project, or not at all. I am willing to sell, get rid of, or repurpose/move my own items as well as his. It’s not a case of me just saying all his stuff has to go. I am seriously looking for a fair and equitable way to make the most of the small space we have to work with. Both of us have already gone through our closets and donated excess clothing. The stuff that remains to be dealt with is larger — furniture and storage for music and movies, etc.

I feel both frustrated and disheartened, and I don't want to end up in my 80s still living in a cluttered house, when I’m too old to physically get things done. I’m also sad that he can put so much effort into a part of his life that has nothing to do with me, and no effort into the part of our lives that we share.

Any advice you have to offer would be greatly appreciated. --- Big Life in a Small Space

DEAR Big Life in a Small Space: I’ve often observed that many of society’s greatest movers and shakers, and even those who have more modest but constant life pursuits, have had less than successful personal lives.

Like you, I applaud your husband’s drive to live a life of purpose, but there’s also the very old saying that “charity begins at home.” Perhaps it’s time to remind him of this precept. The approach may make more sense to him if he starts to grasp that his spiritual and intellectual quests can’t be complete without his providing emotional and material support to you, his life partner.

If that doesn’t do the trick, then just as you successfully, if gradually, got the kitchen you wanted, I think you need to carry on your decluttering without his help. He’s chosen his role in life, and I see no reason you shouldn’t pursue yours as the leader in all things domestic. And since he doesn’t appear to be overly attached to worldly things, he shouldn’t mind if you relocate some of the clutter-causing items to a storage unit or other location where they’ll be out of sight.

If he doesn’t miss them, hopefully he’ll accept he’ll be fine without them permanently and acknowledge your home’s enhanced comfortableness, just as he appreciated the kitchen when it was more functional and pleasant.

Besides, renting a storage unit is a lot less expensive than professional counselling, and would help make your home more livable for you.

DEAR SOMEONE ELSE’S MOM: My boyfriend and I spend a lot of time talking about how ready we are to take the “next step.” We have been together long enough to know we want to get married, and I know he has his heart set on doing a big deal proposal. I think that would be fun and fine, but the problem is, I really think he wants to do it in front of a lot of people on either Christmas or New Year’s Day. Those are times we get together with family and friends, usually at open house parties we take turns throwing. He made sure we volunteered to host the Christmas Day one, and he has worked it so that his parents are doing the New Year’s one.

For one thing, I do not want to have people think we are trying to steal the spotlight from the holidays, and for another, both families had some hard times this past year, and I feel like it would be disrespectful if it looks like we are saying, “Be happy for us, even though you are not feeling it.”

I really do not want to burst his bubble, but don’t you think he could pick a better time to publicly propose? --- NOT RIGHT NOW

DEAR NOT RIGHT NOW: It might be that the reason your boyfriend is thinking about proposing during the holidays is not so much to rob them of their significance, or to force people who are having a rough time to be falsely upbeat, but rather because he feels that a little good news could go a long way to help lighten things up for at least some of those in your closest circle of family and friends.

As it doesn’t seem like any proposal at this time would be much of a surprise to you, I believe you need to speak to him directly about his plans. By giving him a chance to explain what he has in mind and why he thinks it’s a good idea, you may find you agree with him. If you don’t, you can share your reasons for wanting him to come up with another proposal plan.

Being able to talk to each other openly, respectfully, and honestly is something you need to be able to do, not just now, but for the rest of your life together.

DEAR SOMEONE ELSE’S MOM: When things slowed down because of the pandemic, my wife and I decided it was time to sell our upholstery business and retire. Unfortunately, we didn’t get the price we had hoped for, and that means we are needing to budget more than we expected in most areas of our life, including Christmas gifts.

We have eight grandchildren, and in the past we were able to spend about $100 each on them, splitting it up between something to go under the tree, and something for their stocking, either cash or gift cards, depending on their age and interests. This time around, we can only comfortably do about half that, and we feel bad about it, especially my wife, who is racking her brain to figure how to continue doing both a cash/gift card, and an openable gift.

We have not yet said anything to our own kids, because it does not seem to be their problem. But I have begun to think we should clue them in so that they can give the grandkids a little warning.

Do you think we should raise the issue with them, or just let it all roll out as it will? --- GRAMPS ON A BUDGET

DEAR GRAMPS ON A BUDGET: I think it wouldn’t be a bad idea to let your own children know that things have changed now that you and your wife are retired. Although, my guess is they’ve already figured out that things would likely be changing for you.

You and your wife seem like very generous grandparents. But you also have to be realistic about your new situation. Hopefully, you’ll have a long, healthy retirement, and there seems to be no cause to put yourself in an uncomfortable spot financially during the holidays; and you shouldn’t feel guilty about not splurging as you formerly did. Depending on how old your grandchildren are, they may be either too young to notice anything’s different, or old enough to understand that the amount spent on them once a year is not a reflection of how much you care about them.