Ask Someone Else's Mom

DEAR SOMEONE ELSE’S MOM: When we moved into our new home, we agreed to share the cooking, I would do the regular housecleaning, and my husband would do all the outside work and help with the heavy indoor jobs when I need help.

We also agreed whoever doesn’t cook does the dishes. On the weeks when I cook, I end up having to do some of the prior day’s dishes, just so I can cook because my husband doesn’t get around to doing them the night before. So, that means I do double-duty most of the time, because he says the pots and pans are easier to clean if they soak.

He also waits until the grass is so high, not only does it start looking real bad, but it takes him two hours to cut the wild grass, instead of the half-hour or so it would take him if he cut it every week. He says what difference does it make if it takes him two hours once a month or half an hour every week? He doesn’t think about the stress the long, thick grass puts on the lawnmower, which we spent a lot of money on when we moved in.

Sometimes it drives me crazy. I am not the most neat person in the world, but I do like things to be looking nice and to have what I need to do my cooking with.

I have told my husband how I feel about these things, but it makes no difference I see. What else can I do to get him to do what he agreed to do? --- NOT DOING HIS PART

DEAR NOT DOING HIS PART: Unfortunately, as far as the lawn goes it’ll possibly take damaging your lawnmower or getting a citation from your local authorities to get your husband to understand the advantage of putting in those smaller efforts rather than having one heck of a job of it every few weeks. It could be an expensive lesson, but if your attempts at persuasion fall on deaf ears, his learning the hard way may do the trick.

As to the dirty dishes, I’d fight fire with fire, so to speak. When it’s your turn to be the pots and pans washer, you too can leave them to “soak,” just as he does. You’ll need to stand firm and let him experience your frustration at not having what he needs ready to go.

If, as it sounds, you married a chronic procrastinator, it’ll likely be an ongoing struggle for you, but don’t hesitate to remind him of your frustration. It may prove little more than a vent, but hopefully, in time you’ll get through to him at least on some level.

DEAR SOMEONE ELSE’S MOM: My partner and I each have our own car, but he likes to borrow mine, especially when it rains, because his car doesn’t always start in the rain.

Last month I got a final warning that if $600 of traffic tickets weren’t paid by the end of the month, my car would be booted, and then I would have 48 hours to pay the fines to get the code to unlock the boot and return it.

I did not earn a single cent in violations. Every stinking one of them was my partner’s, but guess who got the tickets, and guess who promised me he would pay them.

Now my car was not only booted, but also towed and impounded overnight until I could get there and pay all the fines and penalties and overnight parking fees, and all that. And now I’m out over a thousand bucks, plus I lost half a day at work, and my partner still has not paid me anything back yet, and even better, had the b###s to ask me to borrow my car again when it rained the other day.

I told him exactly how I felt and that he better cough up what he owes me, but he keeps telling me I need to calm down and don’t I trust him, and all that b######t.

We’ve been living together for almost 8 years, and you would think I would know better, especially since this is not the first time he’s pulled something like this on me. Last time it took him a year to pay me some money he owed me. This is the biggest amount I put out for him and this could be what finishes us off.

I never want to be one of those petty people who go to war over money, but doesn’t this seem like a lot more to you? --- DUMPED ON AGAIN

DEAR DUMPED ON AGAIN: I think you already figured out this is more than a case of dollars and cents. It seems to me what’s at issue here is your partner’s failure to fully respect you, and that certainly is cause for concern. That he’s repaid you in the past shows some glimmer of promise, but if he isn’t able to understand how much his brushing off his debts and responsibilities to you hurts, then your relationship is in real trouble.

If what you have to say isn’t being heard, it may be time to get professional guidance, if you feel committed enough to your partner to try and make a go of it. Love and affection alone aren’t enough to keep a relationship healthy, and both parties need to be willing to do a little work most times and a lot of work at others to help move your lives together in the right direction.

DEAR SOMEONE ELSE’S MOM: My great-uncle is like an extra grandfather to me and my sister, especially after our grandpa died. He’s very old school and thinks kids should play with all sorts of toys, including toy guns and little soldier guys and that sort of stuff.

My sister doesn’t really care much, she lets her kids play with everything, but my husband and I have agreed to have no toy guns in the house.

I don’t want to hurt my great-uncle’s feelings, but I just know he is going to get more war weapons for our son this year again for Christmas. I have told him, and my husband has told him, and he says he sees no harm in it. I can’t seem to get through to him, so what else can I do? --- A NO GUN POLICY

DEAR A NO GUN POLICY: Since you’ve done what sounds reasonable in asking your great-uncle to not give your son toy weapons, then the next best thing may be to accept the gift, and after explaining to your child that your house rule is no toy weapons, dispose of it.

It seems wasteful of your relative’s money, but unfortunately he won’t follow your rules, and most donation sites don’t take toys with a violent theme.