DEAR SOMEONE ELSE’S MOM: In mid-December 2023 my dad retired after 25 years in the army. He had this big list of little things he wanted to do. He worked his way through that list and now he is driving himself and my mom crazy with too much energy and nothing to do.

Both my brother and I keep telling them to come and visit us, but he said he did enough traveling when he was still in and wants to stay put.

My mom is very involved with her church, but that’s a no go for my father. She is after him to find some kind of part time or volunteer job, or to at least join a veteran or other social group, but he says he isn’t ready to do that either. So basically, anything that gets suggested gets shot down.

Why is he so stubborn and determined to be bored and then complain about it? --- RETIRED ARMY BRAT

DEAR RETIRED ARMY BRAT: A social worker who specializes in counseling veterans told me that it takes about two years for former service members to adjust to civilian life.

Your dad is just halfway there, and although it might not seem like it to you, by ruling out what he’s sure he doesn’t want to do, he’s at least working through a few options for how he could ultimately spend his retirement, and his grumbling may be part of his process.

It’s hard enough for some people after they retire from the 9-5 routine. Your dad left behind a lifestyle as well as a career, so I say give him some more time to figure things out for himself. Hopefully he’ll get there on his own.

DEAR SOMEONE ELSE’S MOM: My grandson and his girlfriend have been living together for 11 years. They have two kids, three dogs, a cat, and are living in the second house they bought together.

I asked a lawyer friend of mine if they are in a common law marriage by now, and she told me that there is no common law marriage in our state.

My lawyer friend said they’re nuts not to go ahead and get a license because there are legal and financial benefits to being married.

After all these years why not just get married? --- NOT MARRIED

DEAR NOT MARRIED: As odd as you may find their remaining unmarried, it’s what the couple has apparently decided to do.

After more than 11 years, hopefully your grandson and his girlfriend have explored all the pros and cons ‒ legal and otherwise ‒ of being married versus being cohabitants. Since they seem as if they’re doing fine as they are, my guess is they don’t feel a need to switch things up, at least for now, and your worrying about it isn’t likely to cause them to change their minds.

DEAR SOMEONE ELSE’S MOM: Two years ago my father had a stroke. He mostly recovered, but taking care of him was a lot for my mom. She ended up needing help herself, and now they are both in decline.

My sister and I have discussed their options with them. What we all believe will work for them at this time is to get a paid home care worker in four to six hours a day Monday-Friday and then the family can rotate through covering the rest of the time until they go to bed, and if anything comes up, an occasional overnight.

My sister and I think this is a good plan, so do our husbands and our adult children who live locally. However my sister-in-law says she and her children have no obligation to help out.

My brother died several years ago and his widow and children are still in the house where we grew up. It is less than ten minutes from my parents’ apartment. My parents sold the house to her for a fraction of its value to help her and the grandchildren out after we lost my brother. Now she and her kids have next to nothing to do with my parents. It makes me mad for so many reasons.

My mom and dad were always so good to her and the kids, especially after my bother’s death. Now their repayment for all their kindness is to be ignored and dropped when they need some help.

My sister thinks we should go directly to our nieces and nephew to see if they wouldn’t mind helping their grandparents out. They are all attending local colleges and only work parttime the last we heard. If they come into the rotation, it would mean every two weeks each of us would only have one evening, and only if necessary, an overnight, which either my sister or myself would most likely take anyway. My sister and I are planning to additionally cover alternating weekends.

Even though their mother refuses to help, do you see any reason we should not approach our brother’s children to help their grandparents out when they need it? --- NEED SOME HELP

DEAR NEED SOME HELP: You’ve undoubtedly heard the old saying that it never hurts to ask. While that may not always be perfectly true, I don’t see how you and your sister have anything to lose by approaching your nieces and nephew directly to ask them to be part of the care rotation for your parents.

The worst they can say is no, and if at least some of them are willing to work with you, they’ll have a chance to spend some precious time with their ailing grandparents.